i realize it’s been over a week since i last posted–no worries, everything is ok. In fact, it’s GREAT! It’s just been a busy couple of weeks and i was not able to post.
i’ve had two sessions with Fern since i last journalled, which were both very good. During the one at the end of June, Fern recommended that i find a way to symbolically say goodbye to Piper C and One Guy to let them be gone from today and rid myself of the lingering negative energy from those relationships. i really have felt that i had done that with Piper C but hadn’t done that with One Guy. i wasn’t sure how i was going to do that, however, and new it was going to take some searching to figure out. i still have the ring i gave One Guy and i thought maybe i could do something to rid myself of that, but i would rather pawn it than destroy it, and that just seemed to be taking the word “symbol” too literally for me and didn’t feel like the solution. i decided to not think so hard on it and just let the answer come to me.
And the answer came…during my Half Ironman race later that week, the toughest race i’ve ever done, and i’d done half ironman races before. This race took place in the mountains, so at elevation and with a lot of hill climbing on the bike portion, and it was hellishly hot to boot. About ten miles into the race, at the second turn, i saw a sign indicating we were 11 miles from a lake that One Guy and i had camped at during our honeymoon. i was shocked! i had not realized that this race was so close to that, in fact, i would have sworn that we were hours away from that location. But there it was! As i rode, i thought about how much stronger, fitter, and happier i am now, so much more than i was on that honeymoon and in that relationship. i thought, “Look at me now!” and remembered how unhappy i was the last time i was here, yes, i was unhappy, and unfit during that honeymoon. i remembered One Guy sitting at the campfire getting inebriated on scotch when i wanted to hike and do active things. And so as i rode, i told Him goodbye, told the pain of that relationship to stay back there, and that i was riding away, stronger, and fitter, from that part of my life. “Look at me now!”
Maximus was waiting for me at the end of the bike portion, at the bike-to-run transition area. i heard Him before i saw Him–cheering and yelling for me. It was so great! For the first time ever, i had a man in my life that came to a race to cheer me on and support me! And i needed that support too. i was sure i’d lost the race on the third hill, hadn’t seen anyone else for 18 miles. Maximus met me at the beginning of the run, riding a mountain bike and carrying a backpack of supplies i might need. i told Him i was struggling and it was taking everything i had not to quit. i asked Him if He would ride with me on my run and He replied, “Of course, baby, that’s the plan!” By the second mile i got my second wind and by the end of the race I passed 30 runners and came in first place for my age group!!
The sign for the lake was still in my mind the following day. i wasn’t completely sure that this was the same lake as i just couldn’t believe that i was so close to it. So i drove out the second day after the race and lo and behold, found the same campground, the same campsite where we stayed. i stopped the car and just looked at the spot, left the rest of the emotions there, and moved on.
When i got home, my friend Double D, who watched my house when i was gone, came by so i could give her a gift for taking care of things when i was on my trip. While she was there, she shared that she had lived at my house while i was gone, having left her husband after discovering he had been having emotional affairs with two women via his cell phone. She was devastated. We sat on the patio and she told me everything, and as they are in the swinging lifestyle as well, she hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about any of this. i listened and she asked for advice. i started sharing with her things i’d learned from working with Fern and as i was talking, i realized how much i’d learned and how grateful i was for Maximus. i had nothing to be angry at Maximus for, He had never cheated. my anger was for imagined disloyalty. i was so grateful not have to Double D’s situation. After she left, i called Maximus and told Him that i loved Him and about Double D and Crash. And He thanked me.
i have felt great since my race. As i explained to Fern in my session yesterday, i’m happy and i just don’t feel the static of anxiety about Maximus and our relationship like i’ve felt for months. i haven’t felt upset about the space between us like i normally have. We had the 4th of July apart and i didn’t worry about it. And i think Maximus is feeling it too, as after the 4th, He shared that even though we were apart, He felt completely connected with me that whole day and while He was at a function that evening.
i set intentions for the next week and a half before Fern and i meet again. My intentions will be to use my talk with Double D for my self-talk if i start to feel anxious about Maximus and me; to take this time to take care of myself and be present and mindful for Maximus as He starts His solo sessions with Fern; and to use this time of calm to prepare for our joint session together.