communication

ForteFemme

Posted on July 21, 2017 by gabriella

ForteFemme

February, while at the Fetish Fair Fleamarket, Maximus and i had the opportunity to attend two classes by Midori, Mapping your D/s Archetype and The Exquisite Whip, both of which we found very transformative. Our dear friend, SexxyPixie, a switchy submissive, who attended those classes with us, had been through Midori’s three-day intensive ForteFemme course and simply raved about it, recommending that i attend if i had an opportunity. i looked into it, but when seeing that the course was about women’s dominance i questioned whether it was the right class for me; SexxyPixie insisted it was totally appropriate and was about embracing feminine power, not necessarily dominance. So, with trepidation, i signed up! And in my typical fashion, i worried about it between February and July.

A couple of weeks before the class i received an email package about the course including location, itinerary, expectations, more information, and homework. And i got even more nervous. The readings and homework questions all pertained to being a dominant in your sexual/kink relationships, something i was not at all experienced in and really hadn’t expressed a desire in. It took me three days to answer the questions with a lot of soul-searching and conversations with Maximus. He was very supportive in my attendance of this course. Through this pre-course assignment i really came to embrace the possibility of switching from time-to-time, exploring topping as a service to Maximus when we play with others. Maximus will always be dominant and His preference is to direct, which often includes directing me to do things with and to others. Perhaps, this course would make service topping more comfortable for me.

The course was held in a wonderful flat in the Flatiron District, an area i’d come to love when Maximus and i visited New York City over Valentine’s Day. i took the train from Washington, DC, where i’d been staying with friends, and stayed in a hotel in nearby Chelsea, walking distance between Penn Station and ForteFemme. The first session was in the evening, getting to know the eight other women attending the course, Midori, and her assistant; going over expectations and orientation for the course; and starting some introductory work. The women in the course were fantastic, from all over the country (and even one from Europe), all different levels of kink experience, and all orientations–it was a wonderful mix! Midori and her assistant were amazing as well and we were never wanting for anything. i did leave that evening concerned and befuddled, as it really did seem to be a course on being dominant, but, as the mission of the course was to “give tools and processes to experience and enjoy your dominance on your terms,” i remained committed to go back the next day open-minded to discover more.

Day two was amazing! We spent time discuss our personal needs for aftercare, how we should preplan our aftercare needs rather than expect someone else to assume to know what it is we need, and do the same for others we play with. We examined the need to develop discipline in determining what we personally need, asking for what we want, managing time, space, and expectations.  And we worked extensively defining foundational words of Dominant, Submissive, Sadist, Masochist, Top, Bottom, Switch, Fetishist, Master/Slave in terms of appetites, outcomes, and structures, so that we were speaking in common terms rather than self-defined shorthand. This asking for definitions, observables, from ourselves and others really was a theme for the course. We worked to define what someone would observe, tangible signs, if we were enjoying play, and what they would observe if we weren’t.

In the midst of this, Midori and i had a difference in terminology over the word like. It seems such a simple, unobtrusive word, but it became one i struggled with in terms of selecting a play partner due to like versus their Curriculum vitae (CV). The discussion took us off track and at some point, we all realized that perhaps she and i define like differently, and possibly there is something lost in translation between us given Midori’s Japanese descent. Afterward, even though we’d resolved it, i felt a bubble of stress, and air of discomfort between us, and it was most probably within me, as i get this way with Maximus, a sort of sheepish embarrassment of breaking a mood after verbal discussions or disagreements.

After a break, Midori asked for someone to volunteer to be in a flogging scene with her. i had seen a flogging scene by Midori during The Exquisite Whip and it was so transformative that it changed how Maximus and i played from that point on. No one else in our group had seen this and i decided i would volunteer to bottom to her so that others could watch and be transformed as i had been watching Midori a few months before. And, i felt it would be a good way for me to release this bubble of stress, remove this feeling of awkwardness i was feeling, and reconnect with Midori. It was a way for me to practice answering the question, “What would please me now?” an essential part of dominant discipline we were learning to apply in our daily lives. And Midori chose me as well.

Midori went through an abbreviated consent conversation with me to prepare for our scene. This preparatory phase is one of the things Maximus and i found so astounding and changing for our play–really having a conversation about desires and needs, gaining common ground for amazing play rather than going through a BDSM checklist of kinky acts. i described my desire for a catharsis, that i felt tension and stress that i wanted to release, and she shared that she felt the same and would be interested in a scene with that mood. And after concluding the conversation, she conducted the flogging scene with grace and deft that was exactly what i needed and cleared all tension i’d felt. And i was all noodles afterward, despite being a short scene.

We ended the day with a field trip to Purple Passion, a fetish and adult toy store in Chelsea and then dinner out with classmates, their partners, and some ForteFemme alumnae.

Admittedly, i was nervous about Day 3 going in. In order to successfully complete the course, at the end of the day we all had to complete a full consent conversation with either our partner we brought along or trainer bottom provided by Midori. We hadn’t even learned the consent conversation, only had the abbreviated demonstration during our flogging scene, so there was anxiety in not knowing yet what we were doing and my anxiety of having to come up with some type of scene where i was dominant/top–completely out of my comfort zone. My mind was reeling on what i could possibly want to do.

We started the day working to define what someone would observe, tangible signs, if we were enjoying topping, and as i’d never topped before, i could only surmise based on non-play dominant situations, which were all about work. Midori advised that i pay attention to future play situations where i would be dominant and learn what those observables were for me. We then examined play we enjoyed as children and how to incorporate those areas of joy into our adult play, something i found fascinating!

Then we did an exercise on role models of powerful femme icons–which ended up completely debasing me. We did work as a group listing examples of powerful femme icons in mythology, history, literature, current culture and talked about their light and dark attributes. After time as a group doing this, we were instructed to do the same individually, listing powerful femme icons that have been our personal role models and then listing their light and dark attributes. i struggled with this and ended up with five. i was shocked in the realization that i didn’t have role models, that i had simply visualized where i wanted to be and made myself into that likeness, not modeled around anyone else. But then, after listing these, we were asked to fold the paper and read off the attributes, which, in turn, reflected your desired type of dominant play. i…was…horrified. Everything reflected work, the work that i had been working for a decade to disassociate from my self. i instantly started to bawl. It was not at all to do with my desired play but with my role at work. i was horrified to realize that i had not accomplished separating my professional self from my individual self.

But an amazing thing happened.

After pouring my grief and frustration out to the group, another woman came and sat down with me at the break to share attributes of one of her role models she’d listed. And then she shared that it was me. i was blown away. i know i didn’t handle it with the most grace, i was still reeling, but i hadn’t realized that i hadn’t failed, that failing would be completely disregarding all those attributes that made me, me.

Then we went right into the consent conversation. And it wasn’t great for me. i was still in my head. The previous exercise was just so intense and i’d not had any time to process it that i was just a puddle. i did the best i could with the trainer bottom i was assigned. He was very gracious and patient and i so appreciate that he took the time and energy to participate and be present. It was very jolty at first, but after i revealed to him that my tendency is toward submission and that this was a difficult exercise for me, we moved more into a real conversation and things improved. We didn’t complete the exercise and we didn’t get into actually playing, but i had figured out in the process that what i really wanted was a simple massage of my back, shoulders, neck, and scalp, so i would call that a win.

After the final formalities, receiving feedback and certificates, it was over. Midori had advised us from Day 1 to preplan our own aftercare, so i went out to dinner at a restaurant i had reserved, returned to my room to pack and hit the sack. i held it together until i got back to my room and was talking to Maximus on the phone, and then there were sobs. The end of the last day was just too intense and i was crumbling. At that point, i openly stated that i wished i hadn’t gone, that i failed. i packed and cried myself to sleep.

Maximus had anticipated this. i’d had a month of being constantly around people, houseguests, vacations with friends, and ForteFemme, and He knew my batteries were going to be exhausted due to my introverted nature. Maximus had upgraded my flights home, complete with a first class cocoon and passes to the airline club room. i watched movies, had a mimosa and fresh fruit, and gave myself a break. In the days that followed i slept, worked in my garden, and had a massage. And i chatted with my submissives network, something that helped me most of all. This group of women is just so important to me as they held space and gave me an opportunity to speak my truth and process my thoughts without judgment or criticism.

It’s taken several days for me to fully process this experience, and i have no regrets at all for ForteFemme. Struggle brings clarity and in discomfort we shift to find our true place. i have not failed, at all. i have had the beauty of discovering that i am on the right path for me and that my desire for submission play is my way of reconciling the years of professional dominance, thus my preference. My strong reaction was a sign. i’ve picked up amazing skills and processes to enhance my relationship with Maximus and play with others, even as a submissive. Embracing my femme power is now part of my daily practice, something Maximus has been encouraging all along. And i am on a path to discovering much more of Maximus and His needs, things i assumed and took for granted.

ForteFemme was amazing. my journey and experience is unique to me, as i was unique to it. i wouldn’t hesitate at all to recommend others, of all persuasions and desires, this intensive study. Go with an open mind and open heart and ready to delve into the light and dark places. But be prepared, you won’t leave as the same person you arrived.

Categories: BDSM classes, communication, flogging, ForteFemme, insecurities, Midori | 1 Comment

Updated Contract, Rules, Rituals, and Protocols

Posted on January 10, 2017 by gabriella

love-note-1

i love it when Maximus leaves little love notes for me hidden throughout the house on mornings He leaves for work travel!

Maximus and i have finalized our Contract and Appendix 1-Rules, Rituals, and Protocols that we have been working on this past week. Since i described the changes in details in previous posts (January 2017 Contract Updates, January 2017 Rules Updates, and January 2017 Rituals and Protocols Update), i won’t go into that again, and am simply posting the accepted Contract and Appendix 2. However, there were a couple of changes since my initial journal posts.

Under Fundamental Terms, we removed the requirement for written permission to share details of our relationship dynamic. We do need to discuss and verbally agree prior to sharing this information with others.

There are a few changes in our Rules section:

Sleep: A provision was added to allow for separate sleep in times of illness.

Food: Green juice preparation went from a daily ritual to “as requested”.

Sex: A requirement that i shall be responsible for cleaning and putting away of toys and my leather collar after sex-play was added.

Communication: Maximus added a cue for me to say if He gets distracted, “ADD”, or anxious during communication, in order to snap Him out of it. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s something we’ve noticed during discussing His episodes of chest pain and other stressful topics and He wishes to avoid this.

Financial: Funds request rule was moved to Protocols.

Social Organization: i am to bring my calendar to Happy Half for any schedule updates He’s had during His workday.

Some Rituals changes:

Morning Ritual: i do not have to wait for Maximus to bring me tea in order to get out of bed (this was a miscommunication while we were discussing changes) and if i do get up before Maximus, i am to make His coffee and my tea.

Green juice preparation was moved from Ritual to Rules with the changes noted above.

Dominant’s Traveling Rituals: Maximus added a photo requirement for me while He is traveling, texting a sexy photo each day, using Invisible Ink setting on my iPhone.

At the end, Maximus desired to adjust the language about discipline for any compliance failures i may have of these Rules, Rituals, and Protocol. He felt the language was unnecessarily severe.

i have updated the BDSM Contract and Rules page and am posting a copy of the accepted Contract and Appendix 1 – Rules, Rituals, and Protocols here.

CONTRACT

Made this 1st day of January 2017 (“The Commencement Date”)

BETWEEN

“The Dominant”

“the submissive”

PREAMBLE

1 This contract has been developed under the guidance of an established Relationship Vision defined by the Dominant and the submissive: Growing Old Together (GOT) – a lifelong, harmonious, loving, committed relationship together.

2 This private contract is provided as a binding agreement, which defines in specific terms, the relationship and interaction between the participants. This contract defines the personal relationship structure of the parties and is binding only by the integrity of the parties. This contract in no way supersedes the Laws of the United States. This agreement is entered into voluntarily, both parties being fully informed, consensually, without coercion, or undue influence, with both parties agreeing to the conditions and stipulations set out herein.

THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS

3 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the submissive.

FUNDAMENTAL TERMS

4 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow both the Dominant and the submissive to explore their sensuality and sexuality, and the submissive’s serviceheart, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits, and her well-being.

5 The Dominant and the submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing. Both parties shall safeguard this unique relationship. Neither can inform others of our D/s dynamic without prior agreement from the other. As this contract is confidential, both parties must agree in the occasion that it is shared with any person(s), in any format, including directing other parties to the submissive’s blog, which is her online journal.

6 The Dominant and the submissive recognize that this relationship is unique to them and is a primary relationship to any other relationship the Dominant or the submissive have with others. They agree that emotional monogamy is required in this relationship. There will be no additional partners brought temporarily or permanently into the relationship.  The submissive will be the Dominant’s only sub; The Dominant shall be the submissive’s only Dom. Furthermore, the submissive shall not take on the position of a Domme or Dominatrix with another party, nor shall the Dominant be taken in as a submissive to another.

7 The Dominant and the submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious, or life-threatening illnesses, including but not limited to HIV, herpes, and hepatitis. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this contract either party should be diagnosed with or become aware of any such illness, he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately and in any event prior to any form of physical contact between the parties.

8 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements, and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 7 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.

9 Everything in this contract must be read and interpreted in the light of the fundamental purpose and the fundamental terms set out in clauses 4-8 above.

ROLES

10 Dominant  and submissive  adopt a 24/7 D/s relationship in the style of Chief Executive Officer/Chief Operating Officer (CEO/COO).

11 The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above.

12 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 4-8 above, the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 8 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

COMMENCEMENT AND TERM

13 The Dominant and submissive enter into this contract on the Commencement Date fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.

14 This contract shall apply in a 24/7 basis and be effective indefinitely.

SERVICE PROVISIONS

15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise that are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain matters may be renegotiated. Furthermore, it is expected that the Dominant and submissive shall review this contract in its entirety at regular intervals to ensure they understand and agree to its content, rules, and agreed activities.  In such circumstances, further clauses may be proposed by way of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be discussed, agreed, documented, and signed by both parties in person and shall be subject to the fundamental terms set out under clauses 4-8 above. Tentatively agreed upon amendments that are awaiting physical agreement shall be followed fully.

DOMINANT

15.1 The Dominant shall make the submissive’s health and safety a priority at all times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow, or demand the submissive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the submissive’s life. The remaining subclauses of this clause are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 4-8 above.

15.2 The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time or in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

15.3 The Dominant shall provide the submissive with all necessary training and guidance in how to properly serve the Dominant.

15.4 The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the submissive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

15.5 The Dominant may discipline the submissive as necessary to ensure the submissive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog or spank the submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.

15.6 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.

15.7 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that the discipline and the instruments used for the purposes of discipline are safe, shall not be used in such way as to cause serious harm, and shall not in any way exceed the limits defined and detailed in this contract.

15.8 The Dominant shall never punish the submissive in anger.

15.9 In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.

15.10 The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention when necessary in order to maintain a risk-free environment.

15.11 The Dominant shall not give his submissive to another Master or Dominant. The Dominant may direct the submissive to serve another Master or Dominant within the limits of Appendix 2, but the submissive shall not be given as property to that Master or Dominant.

15.12 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the submissive at any time for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the submissive.

15.13 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic, and safe state at all times.

SUBMISSIVE

15.14 The submissive accepts the Dominant as her Master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases during the Term.

15.15 The submissive shall obey the rules, rituals, and protocols (“the Rules, Rituals, and Protocols”) set out in Appendix 1 to this agreement. The Dominant shall also follow the guidelines of the Rules, Rituals, and Protocols to this agreement as they apply to Him.

15.16 The submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way the Dominant sees fit and shall endeavor to please the Dominant at all times to the best of her ability. The submissive will utilize anticipatory service in her service to The Dominant.

15.17 The submissive shall take all measures necessary to maintain her good health and shall request or seek medical attention whenever it is needed, keeping the Dominant informed at all times of any health issues that may arise. This includes mental health as well as physical health.

15.18 The submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times.

15.19 The Dominant may, at times, direct the submissive not to touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.

15.20 The submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do so without hesitation or argument.

15.21 The submissive shall accept floggings, spankings, paddlings, or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, inquiry, or complaint.

15.22 The submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dominant. The Dominant will direct the submissive how she shall address Him, including Sir, Maximus, or such other title as the Dominant may direct, depending upon the environment and social situation. “Sir” or “Maximus” are not to be used when in the presence of family, vanilla friends, or any other situation which would bring embarrassment or undo negative attention.

15.23 The submissive shall keep a journal documenting the journey of the Dominant and submissive, her thoughts, and feelings. This journal will be online and accessible to the Dominant at all times. The Dominant shall be notified of new postings and any edits of older posts. Old posts shall not be removed by either party unless agreed upon in writing. The submissive shall document any activities and/or discussions as directed by the Dominant, in addition to her regular postings.

ACTIVITIES

16 The submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2.

17 The Dominant and the submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix 2 and recorded in writing on Appendix 2 their agreement in respect of them.

SAFEWORDS

18 The Dominant and the submissive recognize that the Dominant may make demands of the submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm at the time the demands are made to the submissive. In such circumstances related to this, the submissive may make use of a safeword (“The Safeword[s]”). Two Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands.

19 The Safeword “Yellow” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the submissive is close to her limit of endurance.

20 The Safeword “Red” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said, the Dominant’s action will cease completely with immediate effect.

CONCLUSION

21 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below.

submissive’s Signature

i have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. i agree to give myself completely to my Dominant, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body. i understand that i may be commanded, trained, and punished and i promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasure and desires of my Dominant to the best of my abilities. i understand that i cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.

The submissive:

Date:

 

Dominant’s Signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, body, and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall provide for her security and wellbeing and command her, train her, and punish her as a submissive. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to her as long as she is mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.

The Dominant:

 Date:

APPENDIX 1 – RULES, RITUALS, AND PROTOCOLS

RULES

Obedience:

The submissive’s goal is to please and serve the Dominant under any circumstance and at all times, ensuring that His life runs as smoothly and effectively as possible. This implies that she focuses upon the Dominant – His safety, needs, and desires—through anticipatory service. The submissive should put Him first in any situation as long as that does not put her into any danger. The submissive should never show any sign of anger or frustration, crankiness, or any disruptive behaviors, emotions, or thoughts. The submissive should never show any disagreement with an order or wish from the Dominant. All orders should be promptly complied to and diligently executed. (10-30-12)

The submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities that are outlined in the hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. (8-19-13)

Kitchen Safety Zone:

The Dominant recognizes the inherent danger related to the cooking environment and will refrain from any activity jeopardizing the safety of either party while the submissive is cooking in the kitchen or other locations. The kitchen is not to be used as an escape refuge by the submissive, however. (10-25-15)

Sleep:

The submissive will ensure that both she and the Dominant achieve adequate sleep and rest. (10-30-12)

The submissive shall sleep in a position in the bed where the Dominant can touch her at all times. (1-1-17)

The submissive and the Dominant shall sleep in the same bed when together, unless there is a temporary health issue precluding such, which will be discussed and agreed upon prior to separate sleeping arrangements. If there are others in the same bed, the submissive shall sleep next to the Dominant and the Dominant shall sleep only next to the submissive. Should the submissive be in a situation of separate play, she shall sleep alone, not with any other parties, unless negotiated prior to engagement. (11-23-15, amended 1-1-17)

The submissive shall don and wear the Dominant’s wrist cuffs to sleep at night whenever He is traveling and away at night. (1-1-17)

Food:

When dining out, the submissive will scan the menu and offer choices that the Dominant would like to choose from. The submissive and Dominant will place their own orders, unless the Dominant communicates otherwise. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall prepare and serve fresh “green” juice for the Dominant when He is at home, at His request.. (4-24-16, amended 1-1-17)

Clothing:

The submissive will wear clothing approved by the Dominant. The Dominant shall accompany the submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the submissive shall wear adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and at any other time the Dominant deems fit. (6-24-13)

The submissive shall not wear a brassiere after 5:30 PM unless social situation dictates otherwise, i.e. family or vanilla friends present, out for evening, etc. (11-23-15)

When traveling by air or train, the submissive shall dress for first class travel, whether or not her fare is indeed booked or upgraded in that class. First class dress shall include high heels, dress pants and blouse, or dress. (11-23-15)

When at home, the submissive is expected to be naked as much as practical. she may be clothed if projects or duties require her to go in and out of the house or if needed for safety/warmth. Lingerie or apron may be worn. Stiletto heels are the shoe of choice. The submissive will procure and keep a wrap-around dress by the front door to quickly don in the case of unexpected visitors. (11-15-16)

The submissive shall sleep naked at all times, except when family or vanilla friends are visiting or we are visiting them. (11-23-15)

The Dominant has collared the submissive. This collar is to be presented by the submissive for placement (as described in the Protocols section) by the Dominant during training, BDSM play, kink events (where appropriate), and when directed by the Dominant. He has also provided a more discreet marking of ownership in the form of a David Yurman link chain ring and necklace, either or both which shall be worn at all times inside and outside the house, except when bathing, sleeping, or housekeeping/projects and exercise make it unsafe to so do. The submissive is the only person in the world permitted to wear the Dominant’s collar or other markings of ownership, none of which shall ever be shared or loaned by the submissive. (1-1-17)

Exercise:

The submissive shall exercise in a manner necessary to maintain and build her level of fitness necessary to participate and be competitive in the athletic events of their choosing. Exercise shall continue to have a priority in her life and the activities under Appendix 2 shall not interfere with training necessary to maintain a competitive edge. (10-30-12)

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:

The submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit. The costs of those treatments will be met by the Dominant. (10-30-12)

The submissive shall be responsible for the grooming of the Dominant’s ears and nose to keep them free of errant hair. (1-1-17)

Personal Qualities:

The Dominant and the submissive recognize that their behavior is a direct reflection on the other partner. The Dominant and the submissive shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of each other. (6-24-13)

The submissive will conduct herself with dignity and grace in public. (1-1-17)

Sex:

As a general rule, the submissive’s orgasms are not controlled, unless otherwise communicated, however, should the submissive have orgasms outside of the Dominant’s presence, she shall communicate this to the Dominant. (11-23-15)

The submissive is responsible for maintaining an adequate supply of lubricants, all types and for all purposes. Failing to maintain supply may mean intercourse without the aid of lubricant and cannot be cause for denial of sexual use by the Dominant or others. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall be responsible for pickup, cleaning, and putting away of sex toys and leather collar after play. (1-1-17)

Swinging:

The Dominant and the submissive desire to continue swinging activities together rather than separately; however, separate play may be negotiated prior to engagement. Sexual relations with others shall be conducted in a manner that shall not expose risk to the health and safety of either partner in this Agreement. The Dominant and the submissive shall maintain joint accounts on such Internet services such as Adult Friend Finder, Kasidie,  Swing Lifestyles, etc. and individual accounts on FetLife (linked to each other) for swing and kink play. Neither party shall cancel, close, delete, or suspend any joint online account for any reason unless mutually agreed upon. (10-30-12)

Communication:

In general, the submissive is always expected to speak and express herself in a respectful manner, whether she is talking to the Dominant or anyone else. (11-23-15)

The Dominant and the submissive shall function with a philosophy of “over-communication.” Outside relationships will be discussed fully and proactively. All inquiries from either party shall be answered fully and honestly. All calendars, written or electronic, shall be maintained and accessible to either party. (11-19-12)

Either party may request access to an individual email account at any time for reason that must be explained to the account owner. The account owner will sit with the other party, login, and be present for the evaluation to witness the viewing and answer any questions that may arise.  These inquiries are not expected to occur frequently, if at all. The same rules apply to all other communication devices as well. (1-1-15)

Both parties agree to work through disagreements using the Imago Dialogue process rather than dissolve this agreement. Dialogues shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication. (1-1-13)

Both the Dominant and the submissive recognize that humor can cut both ways, in that things spoken or written that might be funny to one person may be perceived as hurtful to the other. This contract, rules, and appendices and content, are not to be the subject of jokes. (1-1-13)

Serious discussions surrounding this contract, rules, or contents, and/or the relationship between the Dominant and submissive shall not take place while either party is driving a vehicle. Both parties recognize that this is not a safe activity. (1-1-13)

The Dominant requests that the submissive use the phrase, “Focus, Sir” should He become distracted or anxious during communication. (1-1-17)

The submissive must express her feelings, wants, state of health, likes, and dislikes at all times. She is free to express those needs consistent with her position, expressing not demanding. (1-1-17)

Any errors or breaches of this contract by the Dominant do not abrogate the submissive’s obligations provided for herein. The submissive may request a discussion, but should not expect an apology from the Dominant for any perceived, or real error, or omissions. Acceptance of this contract is sufficient for the submissive to understand the Dominant’s intent is to provide a safe, healthy structure and life for the submissive and that errors are reflective of the human condition, not motivated by malfeasance, or desire to harm the submissive. The submissive accepts any errors on an ad hoc basis. (1-1-17)

Tough Love Clause:

The submissive has the right to invoke this clause if she strongly believes she must intervene in the Dominant’s best interest. This gives the submissive freedom to speak her mind without being disrespectful. The submissive must announce that she is invoking this clause, state her case calmly and respectfully, allow questions and/or discussion, and accept the Dominant’s ultimate decision on the matter. The Dominant trusts that this clause will only be utilized when absolutely necessary for His well-being, not as a tool for the submissive to control the relationship. (11-23-15)

Travel:

The submissive shall not cause travel delays to the Dominant or any other traveler due to her dress. For example, should her shoes contain metal shanks and have to come off for TSA scanning, even in TSA pre-check, she should be prepared to do so without delaying others. She should be prepared to don her shoes again without delaying the Dominant. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall be polite and courteous while traveling, not blocking or delaying other travelers, therefore, the rule regarding door entry may be suspended when navigating through airports or other travel depots. (11-23-15)

The submissive will not pack the Dominant’s bags for travel unless expressly requested—the Dominant prefers to pack His own luggage. (1-1-17)

Financial

The financial agreements documented in the legal cohabitation agreement between the Dominant and the submissive will apply. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall be responsible for the payment of all utilities and other bills the Dominant so requests. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall track annual state sales tax using the spreadsheet He created, taxable donations, and rental property finances for our joint tax requirements. The submissive shall also accompany the Dominant to all meetings with the tax accountant. (1-1-17)

Annual Goals:

The Dominant and the submissive will annually prepare a list of goals. The submissive will be responsible for monitoring progress, reporting quarterly to the Dominant. (11-23-15)

Training:

The Dominant will schedule submissive training as needed. (4-24-16)

Housekeeping:

Household tasks will be distributed between the Dominant and the submissive at the Dominant’s discretion. Any housework done by the Dominant at His own volition shall not be perceived as a failure by the submissive or subject to punishment, unless the Dominant is completing a task the submissive had been directed to do and failed to complete. (1-1-17)

The Dominant willingly participates in the following housekeeping tasks, although they do not preclude the submissive from doing these tasks: laundry (all aspects, including dropping off and picking up dry cleaning), vacuuming/sweeping, mowing the lawn, blowing out the garage. (1-1-17)

The Dominant desires to own the following tasks, unless He deems them punishment tasks for the submissive: cleaning His own car, cleaning toilets, final cleanup of dishes and kitchen after the submissive prepares dinner. (1-1-17)

Social Organization:

The submissive is responsible for maintaining our social calendar and making suggests for social outings. she will bring her calendar to Happy Half in order to make any schedule updates that have occurred during the Dominant’s workday. (1-1-17)

The submissive is responsible for making social contacts and responding to messages in any and all of our online social networks, as well as email and text. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall maintain an Entertainment Journal that records guests (vanilla and kink) we have hosted, what was served, what we wore, entertainment provided, which room they slept in, etc. In addition, the submissive will track preferences of any and all of our guests in terms of allergies, special needs, favorite beverages, etc., in order to best host them. (1-1-17)

RITUALS

Morning Ritual:

When the Dominant is home, He will bring tea to the submissive at her bedside if still in bed. Once up, she shall promptly make the bed (or strip it if it is time for weekly laundering) and find the Dominant to greet Him for the day. If the submissive arises before the Dominant, she shall make coffee for the Dominant and bring to His bedside and make tea for herself. (1-1-17)

The Dominant and the submissive will begin each day exchanging “Good morning” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message. (11-23-15)

Focus Ritual:

Whenever the submissive has left the home for any period of time, upon her return, immediately after greeting the Dominant (when He is home), she shall inform Him she is going to have a time for focus, retire to the Master’s bedroom, and spend at least five minutes re-focusing back into her D/s relationship with the Dominant, thus releasing all angst and frustration in order to best serve Him. (1-1-17)

Happy Half Ritual:

The Dominant wishes to conclude His business day at 5:30 PM. In order to achieve this, the submissive shall notify the Dominant at 5:00 PM and serve drinks at 5:30 PM for the transition from work to home. The typical transition period will be approximately 30 minutes, termed “Happy Half,” for discussion and drinks to allow the Dominant to unwind from His day prior to dinner. (4-24-16)

Bedtime Ritual:

Before retiring to bed, the submissive shall prepare the coffee pot for the Dominant’s morning coffee, and set out her desired tea and fill the kettle in preparation for her morning tea. (1-1-17)

The submissive will prepare the Dominant’s bed whenever He is retiring to sleep. All decorative pillows will be removed from the bed and stored, His quilt will be spread over His side if He is desiring it, the covers and top sheet folded back for entry, His bed pillow set flat, and pillow for propping under His legs tucked between the sheets at the level of His knees. His bedside lamp will be turned on. (1-1-17)

The Dominant and the submissive will conclude each day with “Good night” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message. (11-23-15)

Greeting Rituals:

The submissive shall always greet the Dominant with a kiss and a smile, whether in private or public, if they have been apart. (1-1-17)

Whenever the Dominant is coming home from business travel, whether by air or car, the following greetings will occur, based upon His time of arrival.

Before 9 PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections), prepare the drink that He requests by telephone or text on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, check correspondence, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom to sit and visit with Him while He unpacks and prepares His bags for a future trip.

Between 9-11 PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections) or a robe (should she have retired to bed already) when He notifies her by telephone or text that He is on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom where He may or may not unpack.

After 11 PM: the submissive may remain in bed, should she have retired already. If she has not retired to bed, the 9-11 PM ritual shall apply. If she has retired to bed, she shall prepare the Dominant’s bed and leave entry and closet lights on in preparation for His return home before retiring herself. (1-1-17)

Dominant’s Traveling Rituals:

While the Dominant is traveling, the submissive shall text at least one sexy photo of herself every day using the invisible ink function on her iPhone to the Dominant’s personal phone. (1-1-17)

PROTOCOLS

When entering into the awareness of the Dominant, such as into His office while He is working, the submissive is to lightly knock on the door and await response from the Dominant for entry. Should the Dominant not respond to the knock, the submissive may knock again for response. (4-24-16)

In public situations, the submissive shall walk beside the Dominant unless the Dominant signals or communicates otherwise. The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open doors for her, other than restroom and car doors, which may or may not be opened by the Dominant for her. (4-24-16)

The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open the car door for her, if she is a passenger, except for when entering or leaving the car in the garage at home, due to obstruction. (1-1-17)

When walking on sidewalks or adjacent to vehicle traffic, the submissive shall walk on the inside, with the Dominant walking adjacent to traffic. (4-24-16)

When presenting the Dominant with an item, they are to be gently presented with two hands, palms up, when possible, presenting and holding until it is accepted or directed to be set down. (1-1-17)

When the submissive is to be collared with her leather collar for training, scenes, or at any other direction of the Dominant, she shall kneel upright, and present her collar in both palms in front of her. After the Dominant receives the collar from her, the submissive shall place her hands on the back of her head, holding her hair up off of her neck for placement of the collar by the Dominant. After the collar is place, she shall remain kneeling and place her palms on both thighs, awaiting next instruction. (1-1-17)

Should the submissive require funds, she will present the Dominant with an itemized request by kneeling before Him and presenting it in her outstretched hands. The submissive will perform whatever request the Dominant has at that time in order to receive the requested funds. (11-23-15, amended 1-1-17)

Failure to comply with any of the above rules, rituals, or protocols may result in discipline.­­­­­­

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, M/s, protocols, rituals, rules, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Tags: | 4 Comments

January 2017 Contract Updates

Posted on January 3, 2017 by gabriella

contract

As i noted yesterday, after reading Devil In The Details III – The Art of Mastery- A Mentoring Trilogy: Volume III “Sustainable Structure & Training” part of The Devil in the Details: the Art of Mastery series by LT Morrison, we had some things we wanted to update in our contract.

First, was that we didn’t have our Relationship Vision in it, which we realize was a big omission. When we went to the D/s discussion group and discussed contracts, i noticed that the submissives that had contracts mentioned that their relationship vision was included in theirs, and the book talked about the importance of having that defined in the contract as well. So we have added our relationship vision to the Fundamental Terms of our contract in a Preamble. We also included the manner in which this contract was developed, should it ever get into hands of family who might misunderstand it.

While we did have a statement that included confidentiality of “all that occurs under the terms of this contract,” we didn’t really have an overt confidentiality clause. Confidentiality hasn’t been an issue for us, but we both felt it needed a bit more weight. We are adding this to our contract, including requiring permission to inform others of our D/s dynamic prior to disclosure.

Next, as we’ve been reading and attending a M/s, D/s, TPE relationship discussion group, we are narrowing down on our relationship dynamic. i know it seems strange to keep adjusting this, but we discover more about ourselves all the time, and it requires some adjustment to our contract. For us, we are somewhere on the continuum between M/s and D/s. Maximus desires me to have free will, therefore not a slave, but i do consider Him my Master and possessed/owned by Him. Since we are not truly a M/s dynamic, we are changing all references from M/s to D/s. Does it change our relationship? No. It simply is a clerical change as not to misconstrue our dynamic when others read our contract.

Punishment is a difficult area for Maximus. i believe i’ve journalled before that He is not completely comfortable with punishment as discipline, and didn’t even spank His children when they were growing up. As we have a CEO/COO arrangement, physical punishment just doesn’t seem to fit, in His mind, but it is an option in our contract that is NOT going away. However, we are adding a clause that the Dominant shall never punish the submissive in anger.

Finally, we really appreciated the statements Morrison had at the signature lines of his contracts. It seemed a fitting conclusion to the contract and reiterates what is being signed.

For the submissive:

i have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. i agree to give myself completely to my Dominant, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body. i understand that i may be commanded, trained, and punished and i promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasure and desires of my Dominant to the best of my abilities. i understand that i cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.

For the Dominant:

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, body, and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall provide for her security and well-being and command her, train her, and punish her as a submissive. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to her as long as she is mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.

These are the changes to our base contract. There are significantly more changes/additions to our rules, which are in Appendix 1. In addition, we have protocols and rituals that need to be broken out of the rules section. i will address these in the next journal post.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, LT Morrison, M/s, Relationship Vision, TPE | Tags: | 1 Comment

2017 Relationship Vision, Values, and Goals

Posted on January 1, 2017 by gabriella

Somehow Maximus and i missed reviewing our Relationship Vision, Values, and Goals last year–that should tell you just how chaotic last year was! We’ve never missed a year, so this was a big deal.

Values

We started with our values. As before, we brainstormed values and i wrote them on Post-It notes. We came up with quite a lot!

2017-values

We came up with:

  • Travel *
  • Friends
  • Fun
  • Entertainment (Parties, Movies, Theatre) *
  • Adventure
  • Fitness *
  • Family
  • Learning
  • Work
  • Financial Stability
  • Home *
  • Support (emotional, physical) *
  • GOT *
  • Health
  • Mindfulness *
  • Patience *
  • Contentment *
  • Happiness *
  • Balance *
  • D/s *
  • Sexuality
  • Honesty *
  • Disclosure *
  • Communication *
  • Accountability *

Then i compared them with what we came up with in 2014. A * indicates a new value from last time. i stacked duplicates and added what we felt were relevant from 2014:

  • Faith
  • Organization
  • Compassion
  • Cleanliness
  • Autonomy
  • Selflessness
  • Creativity
  • Spontaneity
  • Order

We then worked on ranking them as to their priority in our lives together. As we went along, we realized several were supportive of major values, so it ended up as a tree of sorts. As always, this process lead to a lot of discussion on meaning and level of importance–which is just as important, if not more so, as the exercise itself!

2017-values-ranked

Here are how our values worked out for 2017. It’s a bit more complex than last time. The bold text is a major category, supporting values are bulleted beneath. It has surprised us both times that faith has come in last. i think that the events of 2016 really influenced us, in that health ranked second this time, above family and career.

 

 Our 2017 Values

Our GOT Relationship

  • Support
    • Emotional
    • Physical
  • Patience
  • Mindfulness
  • Compassion
  • Selflessness
  • Autonomy
  • Accountability
  • Communication, Honesty, Disclosure
  • Sexuality
  • D/s

Health and Fitness

Family

Work, Career, Lifelong Learning

Financial Stability

Home

  • Cleanliness
  • Order
  • Organization

Fun

  • Friendships
  • Travel
  • Entertainment
  • Adventure
  • Spontaneity
  • Parties
    • Vanilla
    • Kink

Faith

So going forward, these are the values we will use to guide our decision making processes.

Relationship Vision

Now that we’d completed our values, we looked at our existing relationship vision to make sure that it still applied. And we found it did:

GOT – a lifelong, harmonious, loving, committed relationship together.

There was some discussion about this as Maximus thought it should simply say, “GOT,” but i need it spelled out.

Goals

We started by going through our 2015 goals since we hadn’t worked on 2016 goals and reconciled 2015. Turns out, we did a pretty good job of completing our 2015 goals. We noted that some were completed in 2016, so while we hadn’t written down goals for 2016 we did have an idea in our minds of what we wanted to accomplish based upon the task two years ago.

i’m not going to include the goals here as i have them in an Excel spreadsheet that i use to track our goals on a quarterly basis.

It feels good to be back on track with our Values, Vision, and Goals. It is a nice way to start a new year, knowing we are on track with each other and have things to check ourselves on.

new-year1

 

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, openess, Reflection, relationship, relationship needs, Relationship Vision, Values | Tags: | Leave a comment

Training Day

Posted on April 28, 2016 by gabriella

training

This week i had my first training session since our break. Maximus has a binder of training materials, but i can’t share the references with you as Maximus has not shared the sources with me–specifically (probably because He knows i will work ahead and not at His intended pace).

Maximus collared me for our session and we sat in the living room for my training. There were several parts: List my strengths as a submissive; my weaknesses; my interpersonal skills; and miscellaneous issues.

my Strengths as a submissive

Maximus had me list my strengths (strengths as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red).

  • Organized
  • Educated (Masters degree)
  • Good upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Good cook
  • Homemaker
  • Self-confident
  • Have a serviceheart
  • Computer literate
  • Swinger
  • Love sex
  • Adventurous
  • Empathetic
  • Confidential
  • Respectful
  • Excellent upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Excellent cook
  • Bisexual
  • Professional
  • Health-focused
  • Disciplined
  • Dedicated
  • Attractive
  • Feminine
  • Nontraditional skill sets (such as woodworking, construction, etc.)
  • Don’t hesitate or avoid tasks
  • Excellent listener
  • Strong
  • Forceful
  • Articulate
  • Artistic
  • Follow-through (timely)
  • Amazing writer
  • Anticipatory

my Weaknesses as a submissive

Then Maximus had me list my weaknesses (weaknesses as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red). This was not as much fun to do as strengths!

  • Impatient
  • Stubborn
  • Hot-headed
  • Perfectionist
  • High expectations
  • Independent
  • Beat myself up
  • Tendency to deny oneself of the finer things as if undeserving

my Interpersonal Skills

These are the strengths and weaknesses i have in interacting with others.

Strengths:

  • Confident
  • Can communicate well
  • Public speaker
  • Friendly
  • Respect personal differences
  • Open
  • Funny
  • Non-judgmental

Weaknesses:

  • Introverted
  • Group situations exhaust me
  • Prefer a couple of really close friends rather than a bunch
  • Feeling i’m not good enough/pretty enough to approach/interact with some people

Miscellaneous Issues

Maximus instructed me to use my safewords (yellow and red) to indicate when i am struggling with a weakness during our interactions so that He clearly knows where my limits are during those times. i am required to do this to avoid raising my voice or getting angry with Him. i have done this a couple of times and it has been very helpful for us, particularly when i feel i have not been given a chance to answer His questions before He asks other ones or addresses His concerns prior to me answering.

i have gotten out of the habit of addressing Him as Sir. i need to do this when we are home and in private.

i need to learn that i do deserve the finer things. i am not to balk or question why when He gives me gifts. When instructed to purchase a specific item or service for myself, i am to do it unquestionably, with the vendor He has selected, unless we have had an agreement otherwise based upon value.

Over the past months i have refused sex at times. He allowed this when i was sick, but now that i am recovered, this must stop. i have a contractual obligation for sexual performance and must follow it.

Categories: 24/7, communication, discipline, Dom/sub, M/s, training | Leave a comment

Insecurity

Posted on October 30, 2015 by gabriella

Her insecurities drown her;

rip and tear her apart.

It’s all in her mind,

if she only saw herself

the way that He does.

~unknown

Maximus and i are in Vegas as He has a convention. We’ve been looking forward to this as M&S decided to come to Vegas as well to share our trip and we hope to see our good friends Italian Stallion and Sparkle, who we met at Desire last year. The trip out was great, we had some good discussion on my M/s research and one of the books Maximus is reading. We’ve talked about some changes to our contract to reflect our M/s and separate out some things currently in it into rules and protocols, as well as some existing expectations of His that should be documented as rules and protocols.

Last night the plan was to have dinner with M&S and some people who we had thought were friends of their’s from Vegas and then go to their suite for playtime afterward. Turns out it was just us for dinner, which was fine. We had a wonderful dinner at Bouchon. i asked about their friends and S told us that they’d never met them, but that M had been corresponding with them for a bit online and by text. She said she was very excited to meet them and showed me a picture of a man with a gorgeous body. i asked to see a picture of the female half but she didn’t have one. She then added, “Well, the biggest reason I’m excited to see him is that he’s bringing pot,” which i misheard at first as he’s freaking hot until she repeated it. Maximus and i do not imbibe. We don’t have problems that other people do, that’s their choice, but Maximus cannot be around it due to possible random drug testing for His work, and M&S know this.

We went to M&S’s suite after dinner, which is beautiful and has a panoramic view of the strip and dead-on view of the giant High Roller ferris wheel. It was there that we learned a single female was coming over–someone they’d never met before. That surprised us and they really didn’t have much information on her. They told us literally five minutes before she arrived. We kept turning on lights in the suite so we would be able to visit with this girl and see her, but oddly M kept turning them all off, which was kind of disturbing to me. She arrived in the dark, really couldn’t see her, and we started to chat with her a bit. Turns out, she really wasn’t a swinger, this was her first time meeting a random couple, just has sex with lots of people–which surprised S as she’d had the impression from M that she was an experienced swinger from the online conversations he’d had with her. i wasn’t really impressed or comfortable with the situation, so i took Maximus into the other room and told Him that i really wasn’t feeling it, didn’t want to play, and really would like to head back to our hotel. He replied that He felt the same way.

Shortly thereafter, M announced that there had been enough talking and it was time to play. i looked at Maximus and said to the group that i really wasn’t feeling it. M&S said that was ok, we could just watch, as they were taking this women into the other room to play. Maximus got up and followed them in, saying He was going to watch. S came back out and sat with me and said she wasn’t really feeling it either. Soon, we heard the woman moaning and the sounds of squirting, which is Maximus’ thing, and the woman called out for S to come into the room. We both did and found Maximus finger fucking her. Well i was upset by this, as He told me He didn’t want to play with her and was going into the room to simply watch M play with her before we left. i gave Him a tug on the back of His shirt and whispered to Him that i needed to go. He knew i was mad.

We said our goodbyes and left. i was upset, didn’t want to talk to Maximus about it in the hall, elevator, cab, and by the time we got back to our hotel, didn’t want to ride in the elevator with Him and really wanted to go home. i felt He had betrayed my trust.

In the room, we decided to talk about it. i told Him that i didn’t feel like i could trust Him because of the situation that had just happened. He told me He was going into watch, wasn’t going to have sex, and that we were going to leave–but He didn’t do that. i had been very clear with my feelings and He had been clear in His response agreeing to that plan. i was calm, didn’t yell, but i told Him i wanted to go home, He could stay, and that i felt because of this lack of trust i couldn’t continue in M/s or our relationship.

Maximus started to respond by explaining what He had done and i stopped Him and asked that He use the Imago dialogue process that we are contractually bound to use in times of disagreement. i said that His explaining sounded like justification and we needed to use Imago as our contract required, and so i would not get angry. He did and communicated that He absolutely went against what He told me He was going to do, that He had betrayed my trust, understood that it felt like He had lied to me and how that would make me feel, and that He had prioritized not making M&S feel uncomfortable over my feelings, and apologized. He said it was a mistake and it made Him feel horrible. He also didn’t want me to leave Vegas, M/s, or our relationship, which i agreed not to do.

i was emotionally drained and after we finished that dialogue i shared with Maximus some feelings i was having, insecurities. Like i briefly mentioned in my last entry, i’ve gained weight after my hysterectomy and despite exercising and continuing my vegan diet, cannot lose weight, while Maximus’ clothes are falling off of Him. My running has become so difficult and exhausting that i cannot do it anymore. i am embarrassed by how i look, frustrated i cannot seem to fix it, disappointed in myself, don’t feel sexy, and getting quite insecure about it. His actions to pull back over the past year has compounded my lack of sexiness, to the point that i have lost interest in swinging, our swinger sites, etc. i communicated i was fearful about going to Desire next week because of it. However, i didn’t want to make a decision about canceling that trip while i was upset, emotional, and tired.

Maximus assured me how sexy He finds me and understood how pulling back compounded the situation. He promised to correct that. He agreed to talk about Desire later. We went to bed and i was still emotionally upset. Maximus got physically sick a couple of hours later, something i’ve never seen with Him before. i don’t know if it was our discussion or food. But by morning He was better and we had sex.

We had a late breakfast this morning with M&S. Prior to me arriving, Maximus talked to them about the prior evening. Turns out, they asked the woman to leave about twenty minutes after we left, as it was not working out, and the other couple never even showed up. It was a bust. Maximus explained that we (it’s primarily me) really prefer to spend a little bit of time getting to know people, or that they really know the people before we start fucking them, and last night just didn’t accommodate that for us. They totally understood. This evening should be better for that.

Maximus and i talked alone after breakfast and i told Him that i was feeling better. i shared that i need to get over this insecurity about my body because it is going to ruin me and my sexual feelings. i feel that my hormonal imbalance is not only affecting my physical body, but it is really messing with my thoughts and impressions of myself. He asked if that was why i had gotten upset about His actions with the woman the night before, and i said no, that was a trust issue about being told one thing and having Him do the complete opposite. i shared that i felt our M/s may be helpful in supporting my steps to regain my sexy security and He agreed. i also told Him that i wanted to keep our Desire trip as planned.

i feel badly that we had this hiccup. He was very appreciative that we did not have a fight last night, as would have happened even a few months ago, rather, we had a discussion without yelling and i/we stuck to our contract accordingly. i feel badly that i got upset at Him and don’t feel like a good sub because of it. However, i know that Maximus is human, and that human Masters make mistakes sometimes and i forgive Him for it. So despite our hiccups and my insecurity, i think we’re on the right path with our M/s, certainly are growing and interacting better when we comply with our contract and rules contained in it. i trust in Him and in our agreement. i will trust in how He sees me and grow from that.

Categories: communication, Imago, lying, M/s, swinging, trust | Leave a comment

A Little Lube

Posted on July 12, 2014 by gabriella

maximus

Maximus and i got a little off track the last few months. It wasn’t intentional, it just kinda crept up on us due to my illness, inability to have sex for several months, stress of what to do about the future, etc. The D/s component just faded. Sex became really vanilla, no toys, no scenes. And by vanilla, i mean occurred primarily at night when we went to bed or in the morning when we work up and consisted of Maximus rolling over on top of me, putting His cock inside, quickly fucking me, and we were done. i wasn’t aroused, it wasn’t enjoyable, and i even started requesting not to have sex, which i had never done…and is not even allowed in our contract.

But we weren’t following our contract in other aspects either. Our D/s isn’t just about sex, it encompasses all aspects of our life. i was getting very unhappy with this but didn’t know how to bring it up, or really just didn’t want to, i guess…until life made sure we did.

Maximus had been traveling and during a call said He had some things to talk about, something about our swinging sites and something funny. He started in about our swinging sites and i just listened. After about 15 minutes, it was apparent to me that He was dissatisfied with our (lack of) swinging but not coming right out and saying it forthright. i was getting the impression that He was fishing to play separately and i was really concerned that He already had, something that we had agreed not to do and had amended in our contract. i asked Him about this and He replied, “Well, it does say in our contract that I can, so I see no problem in going to [the club] on my own.” Well i was horrified! i knew this was not the case, that it was not in our contract. And furthermore, i was devastated that He had not displayed any interest in playing with me in our pre-hysterectomy manner and now was looking for playmates at the club instead! i had told Him He was free to do that, play separately, but that i was not able to be in a relationship like that–it was His decision. i wasn’t ending the relationship, but i really could not continue like that and was putting the decision in His hands, willingly. i ended up telling Him i needed to get off the phone because i was too upset to talk civilly.

i went to my computer and found our last amended contract (from August 2013!) that struck out the clause about playing separately and found that we’d not finallized or signed it (WTF!) . And i went back through the blog to see when we had discussed not playing separately and what we’d agreed upon, finding it documented in Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms. i re-emailed Him the contract and the link to my journal blog post with some terse words that “if we’re going to talk about the contract, i would appreciate if You’d use the latest version rather than an old one” and that He should refer to our discussion and agreement from August about not playing separate that i’d documented in the blog.

What made me the most upset was that i suddenly felt like i couldn’t trust Him, couldn’t trust that He would remember our conversations and agreements and just go with whatever He felt like doing. i felt He was playing a game, using an old contract as an advantage to get what He wanted instead of going with what we’d agreed upon. And it wasn’t just that we’d agreed upon it, i had taken the wording about playing separately out of our swinging profiles and hidden our individual profiles as He had requested i do after we’d make that decision–i knew He knew we’d made that decision!

Maximus was traveling and i was working and weren’t going to be together alone for over a week to be able to discuss this. What was worse, is that during that week we were going to be together, we’d be with my mother for a family weekend. i just couldn’t tolerate having that hanging over us. So we ended up talking for hours over the phone while i was working the next evening and sorted things out.

He said He was thinking about playing separately and got the contract out to check if that was ok and found, in the contract He had filed, that it was ok. He thought we had agreed otherwise, but couldn’t find any contract stating that and didn’t think about looking through my journal. We agreed that we needed to go through the last amendment, see if we had changes to make, as it seemed there were issues, and agreed to do that the next time we were alone together. He also agreed to not play separately as it was clear we had decided months ago not to do that.

i brought up my concern that He was wanting to swing with others rather than have sex with me. i described my dissatisfaction on how things had been going sexually and we ended up with a very good discussion. He had been worried about hurting me, physically, after my surgery, so sex kind of waned, even when i was released to have intercourse. We’d gone to a swinger party two weeks after my release and it was just too intense for me, which led us to leave the party–this put the brakes on for Him. Me, feeling the brakes, made me feel not sexy or desirable, and the radical change in our sex led to loss of arousal. Self-perpetuating problem. Even while we were in Hawaii, despite bringing all our toys, we still had this vanilla sex, until the last day when i requested He do a scene. i was very aroused and the scene went great, but we reverted back afterward. Maximus understood. i shared it was wonderful to be taken, to have Him roll over and fuck me, and was His right as my Dom; but if this is the only thing we do, it just doesn’t work for me, i don’t feel cherished or appreciated, and don’t get aroused.

i also shared that i would have appreciated if He had initiated a dialogue with me about these issues rather than start in on them and dump them on me all at once. i really did feel dumped on. He said He’d thought about that, but thought it wasn’t necessary, but now realizes it was.

We felt like we’d communicated a lot, i felt trust come back. We had our weekend with my mom and things were okay. The next weekend Maximus came down. i requested He come so we could have some alone time together and work on our contract, reconnect, etc. Soon after we were together, Maximus started sharing about a podcast He’d been listening to on His way down, Communication is Lubrication: Scripts For Your Sex Life, by Sex with Emily. He shared that He’d learned about the importance of lube for women. i stopped Him and asked Him why it took a podcaster talking about this to get Him to realize this when His ex, J, had told Him over and over “spit isn’t lube,” we’ve talked about it, and i’ve requested lube. i felt slighted, again, “why is He not listening to what we talk about?” i thought.

It turned into a battle. He needed to work on work stuff, all day and we only had less than two days together. i didn’t feel like a priority, was disappointed that our weekend to get together to talk and sort things out was going to be taken over by Him working. i said, “You might as well have not come down if You’re just going to work all the first day.” Well this made Him upset that i was “kicking Him out again,” which i wasn’t, i was just making a point that if He didn’t have time to spend than maybe we should’ve found a different time, as i had made time for us. He started packing and we were both angry. Finally i got Him to understand i was not kicking Him out. We agreed to table the discussion for a few hours so He could finish some work and then we would talk.

His work actually only took 30 minutes. And then we sat down and went over the amended contract we’d never finalized months ago. i started reading it aloud, line by line, and lo and behold, all the things we felt needed to be added or changed in the contract were already that way in the amended contract!! It had been so long since we’d gone over the contract together that we’d forgotten what was in there and what our agreements were. It is embarrassing to admit.

During our discussion, we realized that we have a great contract, it says everything we need, we just need to get back to living it. While i would never tell Maximus, because it’s not my place, even though i wanted to tell Him, i need Him to be the Dom, i need Him to continue my training, i need the boundaries enforced if i step out of line. Maximus came to this conclusion on His own when we went through the contract, He said it was quite evident that we’d stopped living the intent of the contract and our D/s. Again, nothing against anyone…i got sick, it made it blurry on how to operate D/s with my illness.

So with a little lube…communication, we’re back on track. We have an excellent contract, we have an excellent D/s relationship. Honestly, we’re not all conflict. i tend to write about it because it’s important for me to do this to digest and move on, and to remember how we got to where we are. There are so many great things, things before, things now, and things in the future. Together we are so amazing!

 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, communication, playing together, relationship, Sex with Emily | 1 Comment

Our Relationship Vision and Values

Posted on March 14, 2014 by gabriella

Image

Developing our relationship vision and values has been our to-do list for months and months. We had some time together last weekend and instead of filling our time up with running errands and random things, we decided to take the time to focus on our vision and values. These are going to be particularly important in the next several months as we have decided to take our relationship to the next level–we are moving in together. i am going to retire early and transition to a new career (job search is actively on!), rent out my house, and move up to Seattle. Plans are for me to apply to graduate school for a professional program related to my current field, but i may forgo that if i find a fantastic dream job prior.

So it’s an exciting time and we have a ton to do. We have been working with an architect and builder to add rooms onto Maximus’ house for my grand piano, storage, and an office for me. And we are getting ready to meet with an attorney to work on establishing a domestic partnership, cohabitation agreement, power of attorney, wills, etc., as well as financial planning. We’ve both had relationships fail in the past and want to go into this with eyes wide open and all angles discussed and agreed upon so we don’t make the same mistakes and assumptions we’ve done in the past.

The first step though, was for us to make sure we have a shared vision of what this looks like and make sure our values are aligned. It’s important that we have something to go to if we start struggling with decisions during this process.

We started brainstorming words that embodied our vision of our relationship. We wrote them all down as they came out of our mouths and then discussed them after we finished the list. Some were combined, some eliminated. Then we wrote them into our vision statement:

A lifelong, harmonious, loving, committed relationship together.

Next we brainstormed values. Again we wrote them all down as they came out of our mouths, discussed, combined, eliminated. Once we had narrowed the list down to a dozen or so values, i wrote these on post-it notes and we prioritized them on the tabletop in order. It was really fascinating to do this and we had great discussions. We were even surprised about how we prioritized some things and learned a lot about each other in the process. Here’s what we came up with:

Our Values

  1. Our Relationship
  2. Family
  3. Financial Stability
  4. Health
  5. Career Professionalism
  6. Lifelong Learning
  7. Organization/Cleanliness/Order
  8. Sexuality
  9. Autonomy
  10. Friendships
  11. Creativity
  12. Fun, Adventure, and Spontaneity
  13. Selflessness/Compassion
  14. Faith

These are our values now, and the order of them now. These can change and that’s perfectly alright. We will revisit them as necessary, adjust as our relationship grows. But what it gives us is a framework and it opened up important conversation that we need to have to guide us while we undergo this big change together.

Categories: communication, relationship, Relationship Vision, Values | Leave a comment

Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms

Posted on August 24, 2013 by gabriella

Gosh it’s been a while since i blogged! Nothing’s wrong, in fact things are going great! We’ve not had much playtime recently, as the last time i was up with Him, my mom came with, and while the jokes between us about mom are hilarious…there’s NO WAY we’re going there!!

i had a surprise vacation day last weekend so headed back up and Maximus took me to a Seahawks game (He has season tickets). What a blast! i’d never gone to a NFL game before and it was super fun. We’re hoping to do that again.

On the way home from the game, we started talking about Maximus and The Englishman going out the other night and meeting vanilla chicks at a bar. Maximus shared that they had met two women and one hit it off with The Englishman (i knew about this as he texted me about it and i was encouraging The Englishman to pursue it, to start dating again) and that the other woman, a widow whose husband had died six months ago, had given Maximus her email address. He shared that nothing happened, and that in the past He would have encouraged both women to come to His place, having every intention to fuck one of them and setting up the scene for The Englishman to fuck the other one. He then added, “But I didn’t want to do that. Is there something wrong with Me?” i was taken back by this, as we have talked at length about Maximus staying away from vanilla women due to the drama it causes (vanilla women equate sex with love and Maximus fucking them has led to problems with women becoming attached and upset). We started talking about this history, but i was tired and getting irritated that we were going to have this discussion yet again, so didn’t get too deep into it. When we got home, i noticed that this woman’s business card with her personal email address written on it was set out on His buffet when we walked in (Maximus had picked me up at the train station before the game, so i hadn’t been to His house yet), and it frustrated me that He had kept it and had it so prominently displayed, as if to remind Himself to contact her. i asked Him why He still had it if He had no intention of contacting her and why it was set out like that. He mentioned that He’d no intention of contacting her, so i asked Him to dispose of it, shred it, which He did.

We had intended to have some playtime when we got home from the game, since it’d been so long, and i was frustrated that this discussion and finding the card was irritating me so much. i decided it was enough, a discussion for another time; i went upstairs, removed my clothing, knelt at the end of the bed with the crop over my thighs, and took myself into a state of calming submission while i waited for Maximus. It was the right decision.

We had a race early the next morning and things to do before our planned drive back down to my place. i thought about how to bring up this discussion again. i decided that during our drive i would suggest doing some brainstorming on our Relationship Vision assignment from Fern and bring it up then. Interestingly, Maximus brought the topic up when we started our trip!

Wounded Birds

woundedbirdWhen i was processing my feelings and our relationship after the last raging episode, one of the things i thought about was how Maximus responds to attention from women–it’s like a drug, an endorphin rush. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t despise this, it’s something i’ve known about Maximus all along, but i feel that this rush makes it difficult for Him to not get involved in or encourage situations that cause conflict for Him and us. Moreover, Maximus is extremely tenderhearted and has a penchant for what i call Wounded Birds, people who are down on their luck, emotionally wounded, and in need of rescuing. More often than not, the wounded birds are women, such as Ms. W, LeLe, Nancy, Z Baby, PoodleS, but The Englishman is a wounded bird as well. These people attract His attention and give Him a great deal of appreciative attention back, and Maximus derives a great deal of self-worth from that.

Maximus started the conversation about being at the bar with The Englishman. We talked about the drama that comes from hooking up with vanilla chicks and particularly Wounded Birds, as this woman, a recent widow, most certainly was. i shared with Him how i had spent time thinking about His response to women’s attentions and had wanted to talk about it with Him. He most certainly agreed with my assessment, that He does get a rush from that, to the point where it blinds Him (such was the case when we met a swinging couple in Hawaii that i did not care for, but He did not even pick up on my overt signals about because He was so taken by the woman’s desire to be with Him).

He again shared that He didn’t have a desire to pick up women, but that He would gladly arrange to go on a double-date with The Englishman and the women they met at the bar, in order to encourage him to get back into the playing field. “But don’t You see, You’re doing this to rescue wounded birds–two of them!” i continued, “the widow is a wounded bird and The Englishman is most certainly a wounded bird! The Englishman is a big boy, he’s an adult, he’s most certainly capable of dating again, as he has before. He doesn’t need you to get him dating again. And by taking out the widow, You’re just encouraging her to be attached and causing drama.” Maximus replied, “Oh My god, you’re so right, The Englishman is another wounded bird.”

Don’t be a Douche

don't be a douche“But i would tell her that i have a girlfriend, if she wanted to get attached, that would fix that!” Maximus continued.

“No,” i replied, “that would be extremely hurtful, to her and to The Englishman. First, You haven’t told her You have a girlfriend, so she’s seeing You under the vanilla pretext that You are interested in her. Second, when You reveal that You have a girlfriend after going out with her, and probably fucking her too, You become the biggest jerk around and in turn, You damage The Englishman’s credibility with the girl He’s dating because He knows You have a girlfriend and therefore that shows that He encourages cheating, thus making Him a jerk. You aren’t helping anyone by doing that.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Maximus replied.

i shared with Maximus that it is frustrating to me that He continues to encourage relationships with vanilla women because it brings us conflict. And i clarified that it wasn’t that i had conflict that He saw other women, but giving vanilla women the impression that He was interested in them brought their drama and conflict into our Relationship. We talked about several women who He texts.

“I’m just being nice to them. My mother taught me to be nice. They text, I answer,” Maximus shared.

“But it’s not nice…You’re leading them on, and that’s not nice. That’s mean and really, quite douchey,“i replied. We talked about how women interpret continued interest from a man and what that means to them.

“I see that I’m really not being nice by doing that, that I’m leading them on. My mother would be very angry that I was being a douche!”

Playing Together

The discussion then turned to a specific woman who Maximus texts, Miss H, who He does not wish to ever get together with again, for several reasons. Recently, she asked if He was going to be in her state again for business and He replied when He’d be there, and of course, she wants to get together with Him. i asked why He even divulged that information with her if He had no interest in getting together with her. Again, He thought He was being nice and not understanding her intent in inquiring about His travels.

We talked about just letting these conversations with these women He has no interest in getting together with just end. “Just don’t reply, let them fade out,” i suggested. “Just as You did with Big E when You weren’t interested in getting together with little e.”

The conversation turned to swinging. As Maximus had noted, He no longer had any interest in vanilla dating, and when He thought about it, He had no interest in lifestyle dating either. This was a surprise to me. i shared that i had not had swinging dates for several months, had just lost interest in it, because i preferred to do that with Him. i went on to say that there was a certain level of jealousy when He was lifestyle dating, not that i was jealous of other women, but that i was jealous that He was playing and i wasn’t there to watch, hear, or participate!

“Oh My God! Thank you so much for sharing that!” Maximus responded, “that makes so much sense to Me!” i think Maximus felt i was jealous, but assumed i was jealous of the women, not that i was not playing too.

After more discussion, Maximus shared that He no longer wanted to swing separately, and i agreed. We have turned off our single profiles and updated our couple profiles accordingly.

Red Bottoms

i thared bottomsnked Maximus for our conversation and shared that i’d wanted to have this talk on the way down too. i also shared how i had felt after the football game, the frustration and irritation and how i had chosen to submit rather than getting angry, using it as a time to focus on the positive in us. While explaining this, i shared that i was proud that i hadn’t let that be a trigger to raging, and this surprised Him, that i could’ve raged with that. i had a hard time explaining that i probably wouldn’t have raged, but in the past, i could’ve been triggered by that, but that i had employed techniques to not get angry.

The next day, Maximus proposed that if we could go 100 days from the last raging event without me raging (actually, it was if i could go 100 days without raging, to which i clarified it was a joint responsibility and He revised the statement), He would buy me a pair of Christian Louboutin red bottomed stilettos! This is a reward for both of us, first, that He gets to buy something extravagant without me balking about it, second, that i get something special i’ve only ever dreamt about, and third, that He gets to see me wear a pair of these spectacular shoes!

So the countdown is on…actually already started over a month ago. And it’s kinda like taking candy from a baby…our raging days are over.

And…newsflash! We are going to Paris in October…the birthplace of Christian Louboutin shoes!

Categories: BDSM relationship, Christian Louboutin Red Bottomed Shoes, communication, Dom/sub, playing together, relationship | Leave a comment

Relationship Vision

Posted on July 31, 2013 by gabriella

freeway heart

Maximus sent me this picture he took while stopped on the freeway in San Francisco. It was a sign… And i just love this picture!!

Fern sent us the Relationship Vision sheets to work on. We’ve not had a chance to start on them yet due to work and travel, but i thought i’d share the instructions and worksheets now. i’ll post about what we come up with after we’ve had a chance to work on them, whenever that may be.

Mutual Relationship Vision:

My Dream Relationship Worksheet

Adapted from Short-Term Couples Therapy: The Imago Model in Action by Wade Luquet, A.C.S.W., page 110.

Working by yourself, write down all the things you would like in your relationship that would make it a fulfilling and nourishing relationship.  Start each sentence with the pronoun “We” and write each dream in the present tense as if you are already experiencing it.  Add descriptive words and make the items at least 50% believable.

Examples:

  • We are happily hiking together at least once a month.
  • We are effectively and peacefully doing projects on our shared space as needed (organizing, cleaning, fixing, redesigning, etc.).
  • We are enjoying satisfying sex and both freely asking for what we enjoy.
  • We are a cooperative partnership, allowing each individual to balance their goals and desires.
  • with their active participation in nurturing the relationship.
  • We are peacefully resolving issues as they arise and extending good will and appreciations for one another often.
  • We are enthusiastically supporting each others professional lives and easily creating abundance for our lives together.
  • We are joyously finding time for creative play and sensual satisfaction at least once a week.
  • We are playfully balancing our time together and apart.
  • We take time daily to listen to each others thoughts, feelings and stories.
  • We keep romance alive through daily attentive gestures and weekly dates.
  • We respect the ways in which we are different and cherish our similarities.
  • We resolve conflict through dialogue and containment.
  • We delight one another with random and unpredictable surprises.

Then go over your lists together, discovering statements that you mutually agree on. Add others as they come to you.

Combine the mutually agreed upon statements onto a single sheet. Print out copies (personalize with photos, a relationship mission statement, a favorite quote or poem, etc) and put up some place you each will see each day.

Ideally read EVERY day, and read together at least once a week.

Do ONE ACTION each week to help cultivate something on the list.  (It might take research, putting a reminder in your calendar, etc.)  You might choose to do the same thing for more than one week or you might try new actions.

Repeat ones that work!  Try new actions and build up that love account.

Do APPRECIATIONS!

i’m looking forward to working on our Relationship Vision and using it to reinforce our love for each other and filling our love accounts!

Categories: communication, Imago, relationship needs, Relationship Vision | 1 Comment

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