Monthly Archives: October 2015

Risqué

We had a great day! Talking about everything really helped, both in what had happened and for me to get over myself. We were having drinks while waiting for Italian Stallion and Sparkle to come pick us up and Maximus started brainstorming about how to avoid the behavior He had displayed at M&S’s suite. i mentioned that it wasn’t an isolated event, but that it had happened twice before, the first when Kilt and Rhodie were visiting (CrazySexyCool) and the second when we were in Hawaii with another couple in May 2014. i think this threw Maximus for a bit of a loop as He hadn’t realized this had been forming a pattern. He felt He just needed to be more in touch with me during swinging parties and described a recent party we had hosted as how He could’ve behaved differently. There hadn’t been any problem during that party, however. i suggested that He really just needed to pay attention to matching His actions to His words, because that is what undermines my ability to trust what He says. It really was difficult to tell Him what to do, but He had asked me specifically for input. However, in the end, it really is in Him to make the change, not me, so He really needs to figure out what happens in His mind at those moments in order to develop a game plan to avoid them. He understood when i told Him that. All in all, i think He has a good grip on it. He just needs to make sure not to get drug down a path of something shiny at the moment during play events without taking a moment to think if it fits into what He and i communicated about. If not, or if He’s unsure, He really needs to touch base so i don’t feel He’s not being forthright or honest. And while there have been three instances, we’ve had many, many, many play events without issues, so it’s not like it happens every time we play with others.

We had a great time with Italian Stallion and Sparkle! We ended up going to a new swingers club in Vegas called Risqué as M&S had been invited to go there with another couple and asked us to go along. Italian Stallion and Sparkle were good sports to go there as they are very committed to their club, Couples Oasis, a place we weren’t too hit in the head with when we went with them earlier in the year. We didn’t have super high hopes as Risqué looked just like Couples Oasis on their website, but we were willing to go on a new adventure!

We arrived later than Italian Stallion and Sparkle wanted because M&S didn’t want to go early. M&S were going to meet us there with their friends, and when we arrived…we were the only guests. It was just like Couples Oasis, a private home on a big piece of property off the strip, a large outdoor pool, etc., except that the owners actually live in this home. They had three bedrooms as designated play areas, a dancing area (an area in the living room designated as such), a broken hot tub, some lockers, BYOB alcohol, and looping video of 1970s porn! But there was a fun Harley-Davidson motorcycle custom built to mount a Sybian, which was a draw!

M&S arrived alone as Sparkle and i were investigating the Fucking Harley, as it’s called. Apparently the female half of their couple friend “had a migraine.” M&S did not appear to be in a great mood. Sparkle and i played on the Sybian and had a blast! We danced and then played around in the pool while Maximus and Italian Stallion watched. M&S never came out to join, just sat on the couch and talked with one of the owners. We went inside to play and invited M&S to join us. They came into the room, S joined us on the bed, but M just stood there, leaning against the wall fully dressed with a sour look on His face. We could not get Him to join in. S saw this, got up, and then said she wasn’t feeling well. They ended up leaving.

No one else came to the club…it was a miss. Italian Stallion asked if all of us would rather go to Couples Oasis, which we were game for, because even though it wasn’t our favorite, a few more people actually go to it, but S snapped back a cool, “NO” when he suggested it. Italian Stallion and Sparkle felt put off by M&S, which is really too bad. We told them this wasn’t their normal MO and that they’d had two days of disappointments trying to connect with others and it seemed to be affecting them this night. i also think S has not had pot for 2-3 days now and it was making her irritable. We had fun anyway…it’s all in what you make of it. We would’ve preferred to gone earlier, as all of us were pretty tired as it got late.

Maximus and i went out for post-fuck food, which is what we do after playing with others–sex makes us hungry! We had a great recap on the evening and really felt good. i really felt sexy that night. i wore a shredded black tube dress Maximus bought for me and it really looked great! i’ll have to post a pic another time.

This morning we got a lot of texts from M&S apologizing for their behavior the night before, especially S’s response to Italian Stallion’s suggestion of changing clubs. Maximus met them for breakfast as i was too tired to go and i’ve not heard from Him yet how that went. They invited us to go out with them and the MIA couple from last night. Apparently they are in a high-rollers suite at MGM and have access to a VIP table in a club there tonight, which is Halloween, and want to play in their suite later. But Maximus and i both feel there’s been just a little too much drama associated with playing with M&S this trip, Maximus has late meetings for the convention tonight, and we’re tired, so i think we are opting to pass.

i did go out and buy a sexy new outfit today, as Maximus had suggested yesterday. i picked up a black jumpsuit from White House Black Market and it is hot! i wore it to lunch today to meet Maximus and one of His partners i’d not met before. i felt great! It must have shown as when i returned to our hotel, the elevator host commented, “Looking beautiful today!” Now if that didn’t make my day!

Categories: Couples Oasis, Risqué, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

Insecurity

Her insecurities drown her;

rip and tear her apart.

It’s all in her mind,

if she only saw herself

the way that He does.

~unknown

Maximus and i are in Vegas as He has a convention. We’ve been looking forward to this as M&S decided to come to Vegas as well to share our trip and we hope to see our good friends Italian Stallion and Sparkle, who we met at Desire last year. The trip out was great, we had some good discussion on my M/s research and one of the books Maximus is reading. We’ve talked about some changes to our contract to reflect our M/s and separate out some things currently in it into rules and protocols, as well as some existing expectations of His that should be documented as rules and protocols.

Last night the plan was to have dinner with M&S and some people who we had thought were friends of their’s from Vegas and then go to their suite for playtime afterward. Turns out it was just us for dinner, which was fine. We had a wonderful dinner at Bouchon. i asked about their friends and S told us that they’d never met them, but that M had been corresponding with them for a bit online and by text. She said she was very excited to meet them and showed me a picture of a man with a gorgeous body. i asked to see a picture of the female half but she didn’t have one. She then added, “Well, the biggest reason I’m excited to see him is that he’s bringing pot,” which i misheard at first as he’s freaking hot until she repeated it. Maximus and i do not imbibe. We don’t have problems that other people do, that’s their choice, but Maximus cannot be around it due to possible random drug testing for His work, and M&S know this.

We went to M&S’s suite after dinner, which is beautiful and has a panoramic view of the strip and dead-on view of the giant High Roller ferris wheel. It was there that we learned a single female was coming over–someone they’d never met before. That surprised us and they really didn’t have much information on her. They told us literally five minutes before she arrived. We kept turning on lights in the suite so we would be able to visit with this girl and see her, but oddly M kept turning them all off, which was kind of disturbing to me. She arrived in the dark, really couldn’t see her, and we started to chat with her a bit. Turns out, she really wasn’t a swinger, this was her first time meeting a random couple, just has sex with lots of people–which surprised S as she’d had the impression from M that she was an experienced swinger from the online conversations he’d had with her. i wasn’t really impressed or comfortable with the situation, so i took Maximus into the other room and told Him that i really wasn’t feeling it, didn’t want to play, and really would like to head back to our hotel. He replied that He felt the same way.

Shortly thereafter, M announced that there had been enough talking and it was time to play. i looked at Maximus and said to the group that i really wasn’t feeling it. M&S said that was ok, we could just watch, as they were taking this women into the other room to play. Maximus got up and followed them in, saying He was going to watch. S came back out and sat with me and said she wasn’t really feeling it either. Soon, we heard the woman moaning and the sounds of squirting, which is Maximus’ thing, and the woman called out for S to come into the room. We both did and found Maximus finger fucking her. Well i was upset by this, as He told me He didn’t want to play with her and was going into the room to simply watch M play with her before we left. i gave Him a tug on the back of His shirt and whispered to Him that i needed to go. He knew i was mad.

We said our goodbyes and left. i was upset, didn’t want to talk to Maximus about it in the hall, elevator, cab, and by the time we got back to our hotel, didn’t want to ride in the elevator with Him and really wanted to go home. i felt He had betrayed my trust.

In the room, we decided to talk about it. i told Him that i didn’t feel like i could trust Him because of the situation that had just happened. He told me He was going into watch, wasn’t going to have sex, and that we were going to leave–but He didn’t do that. i had been very clear with my feelings and He had been clear in His response agreeing to that plan. i was calm, didn’t yell, but i told Him i wanted to go home, He could stay, and that i felt because of this lack of trust i couldn’t continue in M/s or our relationship.

Maximus started to respond by explaining what He had done and i stopped Him and asked that He use the Imago dialogue process that we are contractually bound to use in times of disagreement. i said that His explaining sounded like justification and we needed to use Imago as our contract required, and so i would not get angry. He did and communicated that He absolutely went against what He told me He was going to do, that He had betrayed my trust, understood that it felt like He had lied to me and how that would make me feel, and that He had prioritized not making M&S feel uncomfortable over my feelings, and apologized. He said it was a mistake and it made Him feel horrible. He also didn’t want me to leave Vegas, M/s, or our relationship, which i agreed not to do.

i was emotionally drained and after we finished that dialogue i shared with Maximus some feelings i was having, insecurities. Like i briefly mentioned in my last entry, i’ve gained weight after my hysterectomy and despite exercising and continuing my vegan diet, cannot lose weight, while Maximus’ clothes are falling off of Him. My running has become so difficult and exhausting that i cannot do it anymore. i am embarrassed by how i look, frustrated i cannot seem to fix it, disappointed in myself, don’t feel sexy, and getting quite insecure about it. His actions to pull back over the past year has compounded my lack of sexiness, to the point that i have lost interest in swinging, our swinger sites, etc. i communicated i was fearful about going to Desire next week because of it. However, i didn’t want to make a decision about canceling that trip while i was upset, emotional, and tired.

Maximus assured me how sexy He finds me and understood how pulling back compounded the situation. He promised to correct that. He agreed to talk about Desire later. We went to bed and i was still emotionally upset. Maximus got physically sick a couple of hours later, something i’ve never seen with Him before. i don’t know if it was our discussion or food. But by morning He was better and we had sex.

We had a late breakfast this morning with M&S. Prior to me arriving, Maximus talked to them about the prior evening. Turns out, they asked the woman to leave about twenty minutes after we left, as it was not working out, and the other couple never even showed up. It was a bust. Maximus explained that we (it’s primarily me) really prefer to spend a little bit of time getting to know people, or that they really know the people before we start fucking them, and last night just didn’t accommodate that for us. They totally understood. This evening should be better for that.

Maximus and i talked alone after breakfast and i told Him that i was feeling better. i shared that i need to get over this insecurity about my body because it is going to ruin me and my sexual feelings. i feel that my hormonal imbalance is not only affecting my physical body, but it is really messing with my thoughts and impressions of myself. He asked if that was why i had gotten upset about His actions with the woman the night before, and i said no, that was a trust issue about being told one thing and having Him do the complete opposite. i shared that i felt our M/s may be helpful in supporting my steps to regain my sexy security and He agreed. i also told Him that i wanted to keep our Desire trip as planned.

i feel badly that we had this hiccup. He was very appreciative that we did not have a fight last night, as would have happened even a few months ago, rather, we had a discussion without yelling and i/we stuck to our contract accordingly. i feel badly that i got upset at Him and don’t feel like a good sub because of it. However, i know that Maximus is human, and that human Masters make mistakes sometimes and i forgive Him for it. So despite our hiccups and my insecurity, i think we’re on the right path with our M/s, certainly are growing and interacting better when we comply with our contract and rules contained in it. i trust in Him and in our agreement. i will trust in how He sees me and grow from that.

Categories: communication, Imago, lying, M/s, swinging, trust | Leave a comment

Who are we?

question-marksIt’s been a hard year for me, maybe not hard/difficult, but a disappointing struggle. But it wasn’t about Maximus, not about our relationship, not about me retiring and moving in with Him into a 24/7 M/s situation, but with my body. i’ve just never recovered from getting the uterine fibroids and hysterectomy to remove them–my body never came back, despite trying to force it back into shape, both physically and endurance-wise. i was afraid to admit it, but finally a few months ago i resigned to the fact that something was wrong with me. Long story short (will be another journal entry), after seeing several doctors, i have a poorly functioning thyroid gland, barely functioning adrenal glands, and a previously unknown genetic predisposition (due to two mutations) for this. i’m not lazy or crazy! i am starting the path to recovery, and hopeful things will improve over the next few months.

my health didn’t just impact me, however. Maximus has struggled on how to help, what to say or not say, whether to hold us to our M/s or not. He finally decided to just let the M/s go for a while, including BDSM play and vanilla sex. Unfortunately, i was not aware of this and only felt Him pulling away. This only made me feel worse, thinking that He was not desiring me. i finally asked why He wasn’t interested in me and we talked about what was going on. i had just come to the conclusion that i needed to see a specialist about my health, so we had a very frank and open conversation about everything.

What we really want, both of us, is to get back into our M/s. Really, we’ve not strayed too far out of it, i’ve operated on the assumption of service, it’s just that Maximus did not feel comfortable with me in my state to be very forceful or strict about my training. There were many days i just didn’t feel well and my attitude reflected that, which Maximus didn’t deal with. Right or wrong, it’s what happened.

Last week we reviewed our contract, which prompted a lot of great discussions. One thing that came up was the question, “Who are we?” We both want M/s, my serviceheart desires that, but Maximus just is not comfortable with the aspect of physical discipline we tend to see and read about with M/s relationships (don’t get me wrong, Maximus loves physical BDSM, but physically punishing me for something i have done incorrectly or for discipline in my service is not the leader He is. It caused us concern that perhaps we weren’t doing it right or perhaps it’s not what we really mean when we say M/s. So Maximus has tasked me with researching M/s relationships to investigate how we fit into it, what we need to do, contract adjustments, protocols, etc.

So far, the research has been fascinating! i’m re-reading things i/we read in the past when we were preparing for my move up and our 24/7 M/s, and i’ve found some other things that are very insightful and helpful. i will be journalling about this as we go through this process to re-establish our M/s.

Categories: 24/7, adrenal fatigue, BDSM relationship, D/s, hypothyroidism, M/s, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Leave a comment

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