Monthly Archives: March 2013

Safe, Sound, Protected from Demons


Today’s post is a response to another submissive journal prompt from Submissive Guide.

I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon. – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

i love this quote! There are so many facets to it. i am going to break it down into each part and then also talk about it as a whole.


i am Your servant

Well isn’t this the core of being a submissive in a D/s relationship–serving? It is for me, at least. i get immense joy from serving Maximus, in all ways, not just sexually. It brings me great pleasure to do things for Him, support Him, care for Him. And it gives Him great pleasure as well, so i am actually pleased twice, pleased by the act and pleased by His response. Sexually, i absolutely adore being at His whim, letting Him use my body for His pleasure, performing acts that excite Him. It takes me to a state of bliss that i cannot describe, not necessarily subspace, but bliss, shear happiness and joy. Seeing His pleasure, hearing His ecstasy is a thrill beyond comparison.

Those outside of the BDSM realm, particularly other women, would probably be appalled at my submissive desire, my willingness and choice to be a servant to Maximus. But this is a conscious choice, not anything i have been forced or coerced into. We didn’t start our relationship as D/s, it wasn’t what brought us together, it was something we evolved into when we showed our authentic selves to each other. No one had ever seen through my tough exterior to see my truth, and i never allowed anyone to see it so fully before. And while i serve Him, i have not lost my soul, have not lost my self–this would devastate Maximus. i am still strong, still have my self.

Servitude something i need. Every other aspect of my life requires me to be dominant, i need this submission to stay in balance. i know this. My recent few weeks have illustrated this once again, as i act out and get emotionally imbalanced without this release.

i shall not be free

For me, this is not about a loss of freedom, this is about being bound. i recently broke up with Maximus, for a part of a day, mind you, and through that discovered that i cannot be free of Him. i broke up due to what i thought was a matter of principle, and while it really was, i just could not be broken apart from Him, despite that. The principle is a temporary thing, out of our hands and not worth the price of being broken from Maximus. As in Venus in Fur, we are “handcuffed at the heart,” and cannot be freed from those binds. This is the basis of GOT, that we are Growing Old Together. i cannot be free from Maximus–we are a part of each other and we carry each others hearts in our hearts (see i carry Your heart).

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me.

As my Dom, Maximus is my ultimate protector. He knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, my Achilles heels, and uses that knowledge not to sabotage me, but to protect me from them. i can trust Him completely in any situation or position because i know the object of His heart and soul is not to damage me, but to help me grow, push my limits, reach new heights, and discover things i would never have found on my own or without Him. My hard limits have changed, as well as my soft limits, and that’s all through the power of His protection and trust.

Beyond keeping me safe from my vulnerabilities, He also keeps me safe in any situation. i don’t walk on the street side of the sidewalk when i am with Maximus, He does, to protect me from traffic. We’ve changed workout plans based on my safety, not swimming in choppy Lake Sammamish which did not present a hazard to Him but caused Him concern for me. He’s made sure i’ve not driven home in the dark or when emotional. And beyond the physical dangers, He buffets emotional ones as well, as in the case of not attending the beach party where my ex-husband’s fuck friends would be attending, and, the more difficult, waiting until His divorce is completely final before coming out in the open about our relationship.

You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon

This is so true. There are times i just want to crawl into Maximus and melt, have Him hold me while i cry, to soothe me and restore a sense of sanity. More often than not, the demon is within me; the tapes i play in my head and the insecurities that go with them. That sounds so severe, but usually, its a matter of recharging, getting energy from Him. And it’s aftercare as well. i can go to the edges, i can go to subspace and get lost because Maximus will restore me, kiss my tears.


i love how succinctly these words sum up our entire contract. my place is to serve Maximus with my heart and soul, body and mind and receive His gifts of protection and safety. This is something i want to carry with me in those times i am feeling stressed and insecure, a mantra of sorts, to remind me of our goal–a lifetime together.

handcuffed hearts



Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide, Venus in Fur | Leave a comment



i just got REALLY excited for Kinkfest! i was going through the Kinkfest group page on FetLife and realized how cool it sounds. Thank goodness there are newbie posts in there, as i’m learning a lot about the convention and what to bring/expect.

i’m going through the Workshop Schedule now to figure out what things i’d like to attend. We can actually make the whole Kinkfest convention now that we aren’t going to the beach trip, so a silver lining afterall.

Workshops i hope or considering to attend (of course, Maximus and i will go over the schedule together and see what we will be attending, i’d just like to be prepared to offer my input, which Maximus likes.):


  • How to have fun & get the most out of KinkFest
  • Artistic Bondage: Basic Tricks for Eye-catching Compositions
  • Putting Your Heart into It: Mastery and slavery beyond the dungeon walls


  • Flogging: Basics to Bruising to Beautiful or The Somerville Bowline
  • Making an Impact: Spanking, Paddles and Canes Oh My!
  • Rope for Sex: Bondage + access to the parts you want


  • What the Woo? Understanding and utilizing energy in scenes
  • Bondage for Everyone
  • How to Push: Taking your scene to the next level
  • Single Rope Technique: Powerful and gratifying scenes with just one rope

And then there’s the vendor area, and TWO dungeons, one “rock concert” style dungeon with loud music and lights, and another quieter space. There are dungeon parties at night.


Now to figure out what to take. Maximus will figure out what i will wear, as He always does for our play. So exciting! And i’m going to work on calling cards to take with us.

i feel the funk and fog lifting as i read the FetLife postings, type this blog post, and text Sir Maximus all about it!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM dungeon, Kinkfest | Leave a comment



i am emotionally whooped, exhausted, spent. Have had too many emotional events in the past couple of weeks. What i really need is to crawl into Maximus’ arms and have Him hold onto me. Three days, and i can. For now, i have texts, which help.

How are you today? Need to make sure you are in a better place. Emotionally speaking.

Yesterday’s blog post was emotional, but i got over that. It was important to discuss and is something i need to do, dropping or pulling up my anchor on my fear. But soon after that, i had something that knocked me over.

Maximus and i have had plans to go on a beach trip to the Oregon coast with several friends in the swinging lifestyle. This is a group of friends that have been together for years and is the group Maximus and i met each other through. These are some of my best friends and we’ve been wanting to do a beach trip for a long time. We’ve juggled our schedules, house is rented, weather is going to be fantastic, and we’ll all set with our giant Nebuchadnezzar bottle of wine to celebrate the occasion.

There are two couples coming who we’d not met before. Yesterday one of them sent an introduction and included their profile names in two lifestyle websites. Maximus sent them a note in one of the accounts and we got a friend request back. i went in and suddenly realized, when i saw one of their pictures, that they are best fuck friends with my ex-husband, One Guy, and his new girlfriend. i suddenly got sick to my stomach. i texted Maximus

Oh no oh no oh no! That couple of Slim and Marilyn’s are best couple fuck friends with One Guy and his girlfriend!

Maximus was extremely supportive. He just could not imagine going to an event where His exes best fuck friends were going to be as well. There’s no way we could be ourselves, feeling like everything was going to be reported back. It would be miserable. Neither of us wants information going back to our exes. In addition, having sex with them was out of the question, it would feel like a huge betrayal to us, like fucking our exes.

So we decided to back out of the party. i got a hold of Slim and Marilyn and explained the situation. They did not realize the connection and felt bad about it, but totally understood. They wanted to uninvite the other couple, but i declined that, it seemed rude to me. i asked them not to tell this couple why we were not coming, but Maximus agreed to share this with our close friends who usually host the parties so we don’t have to have encounters with this couple again.

This rocked me hard. i’m just irritated that my ex, who i’ve not been together with for almost three years, is messing up plans with my best friends. And i just didn’t have the capacity right now for this. This was going to be an escape, a time to relax with friends.

Maximus and i will spend much needed time together though, which we need, which i need. i don’t mean to diminish that. He is the thing i need the most. We will play, work on painting our new dungeon room, go out for a special dinner that i’ve wanted to take Him out at, and we’re going to KinkFest, our first ever BDSM convention. We’ve been totally looking forward to that.

Last night i realized that our contract was set to expire at the end of April. How has six months gone so quickly? i was going through the last amended version and our BDSM Activities List and realize just how much we’ve grown, how much we’ve experienced, and how our boundaries have expanded. i am truly grateful for us. i mentioned the expiration to Maximus and that i’d like to continue the contract. He said He would like to as well. And added that we should sign in Hawaii when we go there in three weeks. i love this idea. A beach, with Maximus, and our continued commitment.

But first, three days, then i get my energy boost. Don’t they call the apparatus that you set cordless rechargeable phones into charging cradles? That’s what i need, Maximus, my charging cradle.

Categories: lifestyle, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment



i recently came across The Submissive Guide, a website for mentoring submissives.  This site has a lot of great information, including articles, videos, and book reviews, but i discovered something great on the site–submissive Journal prompts. Sometimes i lack for topics to journal about and oftentimes i don’t know what i don’t know, so these prompts are great to get me thinking about things.

i signed up to get journal prompts delivered via email and the first batch came in yesterday. i decided to start with this first prompt:

“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” – a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.

i thought this was a very excellent topic, and timely for me. Relationship fears are something i struggle with, despite frequent reassurance from Maximus. i’ve not been very successful in marriage, having been divorced twice, and i carry fear of relationship failure around with me like i’m dragging an anchor. This anchor of fear does two things, first, it causes me to have a sense of disbelief that i am in a wonderful relationship with Maximus, and second, it causes me to yank on the anchor chain to test that it’s still there dragging behind me.


Maximus is truly the most amazing man i’ve ever been with. He is everything that i would ever desire in a partner, and more. i’m not saying this to butter Him up, but truly, He is kind, confident, honest, intelligent, accomplished, generous, humorous, fit, social, adventurous, communicative, sexy and sexual, trusting, etc., etc., etc. He is my biggest fan and i’ve not ever had that before in a partner. i am so proud to be with Him, to be associated with Him, and never ever believed i would find that in my life. i had pretty much resolved that i was done with committed relationships after my second divorce and just planned to have casual, sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Maximus changed that for me and i will be forever grateful that He did.

But i find myself with disbelief that i could find someone so wonderful, that finds me wonderful. i sometimes think it’s just a matter of time before He realizes i’m not what He needs or wants and ends the relationship. i’ve thought both of my marriages were “the one” and i was wrong–why would this be so different? i wait for the other shoe to drop.

Yanking the Chain

chainFrom this disbelief, i find myself acting out sometimes, testing my theory of disbelief. It’s not deliberate, mind you, but something i look back upon and see in hindsight and embarrassment. i push buttons, make assumptions, look for signs taken out of context proving my fear. And i hate that. It’s miserable for both of us when that happens.

And He’s still here. Not everyone would be.

A Shame to Remain So

What this quote means to me? It means i need to stop dragging this anchor of disbelief. It’s time to pull it up and sail freely and go where the wind takes us. It is shameful for me to wrap this chain around our relationship, restricting it and risking pulling it underwater to drown. It’s shameful to yank on the chain to test an anchor that doesn’t need to be set or dragged.

my anchor should be us, Maximus and me together.  my safe, my strength, my truth, not my fear.


Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, fear, submissive, submissive journal, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide | Leave a comment



i was reflecting on the events of this past week and was trying to put a finger on how i feel about my behavior, my reactions.  i am not proud of myself, have a great deal of remorse, and really feel, well…naked. Not the good naked, where you love the skin you’re in, prance around, check yourself out in the mirror, run your hands over your body, or present yourself confidently to someone, but that ashamed, trying unsuccessfully to cover yourself with a washcloth, please don’t look at me and all my flaws, expelled from the Garden of Eden, self-conscious nakedness. It’s having the dark, ugly parts of your soul revealed, trying to shove it back into the space it resided, wishing no one had seen these nether regions–but they did. The tape plays it over like an echo inside your head days later.

i feel more naked in front of Maximus now, 150 miles away, than i ever have; more naked than being tied spread-eagle on His bed, more naked than bound and gagged and blindfolded by Him, more naked than taking my clothes off in front of a group of friends and strangers. i’m comfortable in my skin. i’m uncomfortable in my loss of emotional control. Uncovered. It makes me awkward, tripping over myself to make it all right, over-analytical. i’m impatient for the embarrassment of being seen naked to resolve. Wanting the effects of time, distance, and shielding to lend their protective qualities, much like they lessen the effects of exposure to radioactive materials. And they will.

So i will work on not replaying the tape, quieting the echo. Take solace in the fact that Maximus did not expel me from the Garden of His love, that He loves me despite my ugly nakedness, and helps me learn from this event. i have to be patient as He, too, recovers from what He saw and experienced.

i will be patient,

i will be patient,


Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment



This will probably make you laugh, but i’m finally watching Swingtown. i know it was on tv years ago, but i didn’t watch it, don’t have cable, and really didn’t even know about it. i saw it on Netflix recently and the first disc came today. As i chuckled at Bruce and Susan’s foray into swinging, i realized that i’d never blogged about how i got started in this lifestyle. Great topic idea, i thought!

my story goes back further than just my initiation into swinging, as there are some things in my past that led me down this path. Without those things, i would probably have never gotten into this lifestyle.

During my first marriage i had an affair with a woman. She was an acquaintance through work and we had instant chemistry the moment we met. i had an inkling she was lesbian, but that wasn’t the attraction, she was just someone i connected well with. i was unhappy in my marriage, my husband and i were not connecting, and as we were working different schedules, i had a lot of time available to spend with my friend. One evening, i kissed her, and we became lovers. Most of my free time was spent with her, we even traveled together, my husband not suspecting a thing. She was a lesbian, not bisexual, in fact, she was totally adverse to penises or sex with men. She wanted me to leave my husband and have a committed relationship with her, but i was not able to do that. i was not ready for the social ramifications of that and, quite frankly, while i was not having sex with my husband at the time (he had lost all interest in sex), i knew i really enjoyed sex with men as well as women and couldn’t deny myself that. It was a horrible breakup for both of us, one of the hardest in my life, and i truly loved her. i never told my first husband about this affair as i knew it would destroy him, and still would, if he ever found out.

i eventually divorced this husband and had several sexual affairs with men. After a bit, i met my second husband. i had decided that i did not like that i had been dishonest in my first marriage and divulged my lesbian affair–i never wanted to be dishonest with a partner again. i was fearful that my truth would scare ex #2 away, but it didn’t, it excited him! He shared that he and his ex-wife had “fuck friends,” another couple that they played around with, and really enjoyed that. i had a million questions about that, didn’t understand it at first, but, a threesome had always been a secret fantasy of mine. i truly enjoyed having sex with a woman and this seemed like a way to continue that honestly.

We didn’t jump into swinging immediately. We talked about it throughout the year we dated and the year we were first married. Close to our first anniversary, i discovered that he had been perusing swinger sites, which bothered me, although it did not appear that he had met with anyone. i decided that i didn’t want him to have a sexual affair (note, our sex life was fantastic, so that wasn’t an issue) and suggested to him that maybe we should try a swinger’s site out (i never divulged that i had discovered his secret). We set up a profile and had our first swingers’ date with another couple on our first wedding anniversary!

Our first date was phenomenal! i had no idea what to expect, and neither did my husband. We met this couple at a great pub, had drinks and dinner, hit it off well, and they asked if we wanted to go back to their place to play. So we did! And it was awesome! We were hooked. We went on more dates, started going to a local swingers club, and connected with a group that i still play with today–the group where i, in fact, met Maximus. We never played separately, that i’m aware of, but i have a feeling that i am incorrect in that statement! Our swinging did not break us up, in fact, it was the strongest part of our relationship, but it couldn’t hold us together.

It was a great journey. i never met other swingers the way Bruce and Susan did. If we did, they certainly did not divulge their lifestyle. i do know that i am much like Trina now, that i love to be edgy and provocative with vanilla to see what bites, but really not as forthright or assertive with them as she was when she had Susan over for their Fourth of July party. Part of the reason is that i really do not like to teach people how to be swingers and hate the risk of drama from someone or couples freaking out about the lifestyle in the middle of things. And, i like to keep my privacy about my lifestyle and separate my kink from my vanilla friends.

But i’m never going back to vanilla! i moved to Swingtown and am  never moving away!

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, swinging, swinging lifestyle, Uncategorized | Leave a comment



This past weekend marked a first anniversary for us, Maximus and me. One year ago, i came up to Seattle for a race, asked if i could see Him while i was there, and Maximus asked me to stay with Him. i did stay with Maximus, for four wonderful days, the start of a wonderful relationship neither of us saw coming.

i was feeling much more nostalgic about this anniversary than i expected, and was surprised just how nostalgic Maximus was about it as well. i arrived to find a gorgeous pair of Brian Atwood iridescent black stilettos in my dresser drawer, along with love notes tucked in amongst all my clothing, shoes, vanity. We went out to ran some errands and Maximus brought me to the Coach store to pick out something i’d like and i chose a new coin purse/business card holder to go with the purse and wallet He gave me for Christmas.

That night Maximus opened a bottle of Gloria Ferrer champagne and toasted us. We sipped the champagne and worked on our schedules for the next month as several things had come up for Maximus and we needed to make some adjustments.

Neither of us can remember exactly how what happened next started, what was said to get things going, but something was said during our calendar discussions, by one of us, that made me decide i needed to get up from my seat at the table and kneel at His feet. Maximus reached down and noticed i was still wearing a bra, which was against the rules for the time of night it was, an hour after the 6 o’clock deadline. He pulled my blouse off over my head, removed my bra, pinched my nipples and i apologized for not removing my bra earlier due to my distraction with our calendars (i’d also thought it was a 6:30 deadline too, but that was beside the point). Maximus pulled down His jeans and i proceeded to suck His cock greedily, taking Him deep into my throat.

Maximus then stood and removed His clothing. He pushed me backward supine on the hardwood kitchen floor and pulled off my jeans and panties. Pausing, He took my new black lace panties He’d given me for Valentine’s and brought them to His face, pressing them into His nose and inhaling deeply. He’d come in my pussy before we’d run our errands and had me pull my panties back on with my pussy full of our co-mingled come and it had leaked all over my panties. He pressed the lace into my nose to share.



Maximus had told me earlier that He had planned a scene that included making me squirt into my face. He pushed my legs up over my head in a position like in yoga and began pounding my G-spot with His fingers and my come started spraying all over my body, face, into my eyes and mouth. He did this over and over, saturating my hair, my come pouring off my body in rivulets, pooling all around me on the hardwood floor. My juices seeped beneath me and soon i was gliding over the surface of the floor, floating on a sea of come, sliding around like a slip-n-slide! It was delicious! Maximus pushed and pulled me all over the floor during His play…it was an amazing feeling, gliding across the floor at His whim! To add to the wetness, Maximus stood above me for a golden shower, making our play even more slippery.

When we were done, i found myself completely spent and completely saturated. our fluids streamed out of my hair as if i’d just walked out of a shower. my body was soaked. We giggled and marveled at ourselves as Maximus mopped up the floor with towels, wrapped me in a bathrobe, and led me into the shower for a thorough washdown.

What an amazing night!

Categories: female ejaculation, golden shower, squirting | Leave a comment


bandaid heartBeing broken is not the correct path for us.

i realized that i was spinning out of control and i needed it to stop. i had been reactionary due to too many things piling up at once…not an excuse, but something i needed to realize and address. It was like i was on one of those gimbal ring devices that they use to train astronauts in reorientation from yaw, pitch, and roll spins. my attempts at corrections threw me into spins in different directions and i desperately needed to get this under control. Under normal circumstances, without my grandmother dying, my mom needing assistance, trepidation over a difficult race after my recent illness, i would have been able to cope, or at least been able to stop and say, i don’t have the capacity to deal with this right now without becoming over-emotional. But it wasn’t a normal circumstance and i lost it.

What did i really need? What had really been the thing that upset me?

i needed to let Maximus know i felt hurt by what He told Swimmer Guy about why He needed to cancel their dinner. i needed an apology for that. i needed Maximus and i to be back together. i needed to know that i would not be a subject of a untruth again. With that, i could wait for His divorce to be finalized.

i left Maximus a voicemail and then He called me. i explained i had been spinning out of control, unable to cope and making poor decisions because of it. i apologized. And i asked for an apology, which He gave (noting that He’d already apologized countless times for His admitted mistake). He shared something that He’d not articulated before today; His bosses reaction when He called to cancel His trip to California for my grandmother’s funeral had surprised Him, in that he was very concerned that Maximus’ divorce was not final yet and that our relationship being public could hinder the process. This caused Him to rethink His plan on telling people now. i respect this and will honor that, knowing now WHY His position seemed to be so strong now, stronger than before. And we agreed to not be broken.

This is the right thing. We’ve both been affected emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to this event. We’re not eating or exercising, going manic in efforts to drown out these feelings. It had to stop. It has.

i hope to NEVER have this perfect storm ever again.

i love you, Maximus, and apologize from the bottom of my bandaged heart to your bruised one. And we are moving on, together.

And also, note, i’m trying a new platform…i think this will be better!

Categories: anger, BDSM relationship, communication, honesty, insecurities, relationship needs | Leave a comment


i broke up with Maximus today.

It was my choice, not my preference.

i feel i had no other choice, feel badgered.

He does not agree.

It started Thursday on my way up to see Him. He called to tell me about His plans for His evening after i arrived. His plans were to spend the evening eating pizza and drinking wine at Swimmer Guy’s house. Just them. i was to hang out at His place.

Nice. Not.

This trip has been planned for months. i’ve taken vacation, arranged my schedule. And now, with a sick grandmother, am making arrangements to come home immediately should the situation decline and she pass away. It’s been a priority. And now, it is apparent to me that i was not.

“Can i come with You?”…pregnant pause. “Uh, well, it’s just that Swimmer Guy wants to talk.”

He already has plans to swim with him in the morning, go to brunch, and take him to the airport; all of which was planned and i was totally fine with. This is not planned and happens right after i’m set to arrive there. i feel like i’ve been slapped in the face.

i stop to visit my grandmother and can’t figure out why i’m even going up now. i text:

Would You prefer that i not come up until Saturday evening so You can do all the things You want to do? i can go home after the race. Feel like i’m encroaching on Your things. i just need a place to stay the night before so i don’t have to drive up so early race day.

He responds, “No, keep to the plan and you aren’t. I NEED you.”

I continued up. Enroute, we talk. i explained how i felt about these changes and how it feels rude to make plans for me to come up and then make new plans that don’t include me. He has changed plans with Swimmer Guy; canceled dinner that night and will just have tomorrow’s plans. i still sting about His initial decision and feel disregarded.

That night, Maximus gets a text and reads it aloud, like He often does. It’s from Swimmer Guy saying, Hey, if your business dinner gets over early come over, even if it’s late.

Business Dinner?? Maximus has made an excuse that He can’t go because of a last minute business dinner. i’m reeling. He can’t tell His best friend the truth, can’t tell him about me? We’ve been together six months, i’ve met Swimmer Guy eight months ago, we’re serious, and He can’t tell him about me? i let it go, it’s not worth arguing about. my heart hurts, though.

Soonafter, Maximus tells me He has been invited to Ms. W’s up on the mountain. She is now in the middle of her divorce and He at the end of His. Their exes are not amicable with either of them and things are really quite contentious. i can’t believe He’s considering going up there, to a town with 100 people, in JB’s backyard, flaunting Himself, risking destroying any agreement they have and risking her opening up new disputes out of anger–she’s already gone postal as it is. He asks my opionion and i share that i think it’s foolish. i am shocked that this is coming up again, that He’s willing to risk the finality of His divorce for this. i let it go, it’s not worth arguing about. my head and heart hurt.

Upstairs, i find my boudoir portfolio upside down. Upside Down, the pictures are displayed upside down. This is a man who get OCD about couch pillows…He wouldn’t miss an upside down picture. It appears to be put on the nightstand in a hurry for my arrival, not noticed it was upside down. i can’t NOT say something about this. He says it must be from dusting and then argues that He prefers it upside down…which is it? Dusting or preference? This doesn’t make any sense to me. i let it go, my soul is aching.

We spent time together and had a good time despite the nagging things from the first night. i put them away, not worth the fight.


We’d finished playing an intense scene with our friends Mountain Man and Sunflower, where i was tied, blindfolded, headphones playing music, for hours. It took some time to get me back to reality and we were down in the kitchen visiting and sipping wine when i got a phone call that my grandmother had died. Awful.

Maximus kept asking me what i wanted Him to do, over and over. i don’t know what i want Him to do. i don’t know. i don’t know! i don’t know what i want me to do. i want Him to just hold me and tell me it’ll be ok. He wants me to tell Him if He should cancel His work trip to California. i don’t know! i can’t make that decision for Him, i don’t know His work rules. i tell Him that over and over and i’m getting more and more frustrated. i can’t get Him to understand that i just want Him to do what He wants to do to support me. i won’t tell Him what to do about work. If He wants to cancel His trip and be with me, great. If He can’t, great. You tell me what you can do. i can’t make that decision for You and certainly not right now, five minutes after the phone call.

Mountain Man and Sunflower get ready to leave and mention LeLe’s upcoming party. Maximus told me He wasn’t going as He wouldn’t be getting back from California until late, late that night. Mountain Man and Sunflower tell Maximus how excited they are to hear from LeLe that He’s coming to the party. Wow.

All i want to do is leave. Get out of there. Now. i start picking up toys. Mountain Man and Sunflower have left and i tell Maximus i’m leaving as soon as i’m packed.

i feel like a ghost!

Maximus wanted to tell His family and friends about me in November, before His divorce mediation and i insisted that was not a good idea as it could interfere with the process and make things very horrible. i suggested we wait until the divorce was final.

In December, they agreed to the terms of the divorce and signed paperwork, or what i thought was divorce paperwork. i asked, “So now you just have to wait the 90 day waiting period and it’s final?”

“No,” He replied, “no waiting period necessary as the process took longer than the 90 days from date of separation and involved the court system.”

So i think His divorce is final. i find out later i’m wrong. i think He is waiting to share His news about me to His friends and family until the holidays are done, as not to take away from that. Then, i think we are waiting until after the birth of His grandson in February as not to take away from the birth. But then i learn, after that, that His divorce is NOT final…that JB still has not signed the final documents–they only signed that they agreed on the terms of the mediation. She’s refused to sign the divorce documents. i feel duped. i feel deceived. i feel like i’ve been led on.

i can’t take any more. i am destroyed. i am frustrated. i am ANGRY.

i don’t feel i’ve been told the truth. i feel like i’m a convenience. i feel foolish. i’ve been thinking He was excited about me, wanted to share about me as i have done with Him. He insists it’s only days away from being signed, that i’m overreacting and we’ve agreed. But here are the problems i have:

  • i feel i was made to believe the divorce papers had been signed.
  • i thought we were waiting on holidays and events to pass and then i found out different
  • He has insisted that He’s not sharing about me because He doesn’t want to mess up the final paperwork yet He will gladly go to Ms. W’s and flaunt themselves in the same small town as JB and Covert Ops, which has way more risk of damaging the process than i ever would have.
  • He insists it’s days away, so what’s the big deal in sharing about me to Swimmer Guy on his two day visit before He returns home to Europe? He lied about me to him. He couldn’t even say He had someone staying with Him.
  • He was ambiguous to His brother when He talked to Him about supporting “a friend” at a race during the event. His brother has been trying to get Him to date, even suggesting online dating services. 

We argue all night. i drive home in the morning exhausted. After a huge battle, He cancels His work trip and comes down the next evening and stays until the day after the funeral.

We argue again the night before He leaves. We are not communicating well at all. When He leaves, He can hardly even wait for my mother and me to exit the garage to back out and drive away. i’m horribly embarrassed and my mom’s reaction to that. i want to die right there on the driveway.

He calls that evening to share His epiphany, that He never wants anyone to yell at Him ever again. i’m so irritated because He presents it as an ultimatim, that He’s got no responsibility in frustrating me to the point of anger and not letting me take a break when i need it to avoid yelling.

We make it through the conversation with some breaks. At the end, He tells me He feels great about us and asks how i feel. i feel like i’m on unsteady feet. i don’t really feel great.

He also lets me know that He’s got two playdates set up now. One with Ms. W and she’s staying the night and another with LeLe, who is going to a divorce as well. And then He goes to bed.

i laid in bed and realized that i felt hurt that He ran home so quickly and set up play- and overnight fuck dates. i think that’s insensitive. i texted Him that i feel uncomfortable about that and think the timing’s bad. i text but don’t hear back as He’s asleep now.

i drove to work in the morning, didn’t hear from Him at all. On the drive i felt huge waves of anxiety, a weight on me. i can’t take this anymore. i decided i needed to leave Maximus, that His refusal to share me in His whole life is unacceptable to me, that His insistence about needing to be divorced to do that, despite His willingness to flaunt His relationship with Ms. W in front of His ex-wife is in complete opposition. He can flaunt her and risk His divorce, but not share me with His family and friends which has no risk of damaging his divorce. 

He texted good morning and that He just saw my texts. Didn’t say anything about the content, just that He missed them during the night. i had to ask if He’d even read the content. And then i advised Him i was done, that if He was going to hold me to needing Him to be divorced to be shared in His life, then i could no longer be in a relationship with Him. It was wholly inappropriate for that rule to be applied so unilaterally, that it was ok to have a relationship and not be divorced, but not to share about me. i feel illegitimate.

And He let me go. No fight. So we’re done.

i need someone who cannot contain their joy about our relationship, that can’t wait to share about it to friends and family, to include me in their life FULLY. i’ve done that for Maximus. i need that. i’ve asked for that. Sharing about me to His friend and family at this point has no risk to damage His divorce.

Instead He’s fucking Ms. W, which has all the sense of placing an open candle on a stack of dry straw. It’s not that He’s fucking Ms. W that angers me, but that He cannot see how that behavior risks everything, that it risks His divorce, which pisses off His ex and prolongs this divorce and prevents it from being over so i can be part of His life fully. He cannot see how that flies in my face, that He’s applying rules differently. It’s perfectly acceptable to risk His divorce by flaunting her, a huge risk, but not to share me privately with close friends and family who only want Him to be happy and would never tell JB that He has a relationship–i find that asinine. He refuses to see how He’s breaking my heart and soul by lying about me, hiding me. It’s acceptable to Him to lose me and this relationship that He said was the love of His life.


Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

i Love Your Guts

The past few months have been a bit rough for me. The night before New Year’s Eve, when Maximus was on His way down for our Christmas and New Year’s, i got a call that my grandmother was severely ill and needed to come immediately because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night. i quickly changed my clothes, took dinner out of the oven, and got everything ready to head north with Maximus as soon as He arrived, which was slated to be in minutes. Just as He arrived in the driveway, however, i got another call to stand down, that she was going to be ok and to go ahead with our holiday plans. Gah! She’s not progressed well, however, and three weeks ago we put her in hospice care at the assisted living facility she lives in. It’s been a roller coaster of better and worse days, but mostly a waiting game for her to let go.

i’d not been able to see Grandma for several weeks because of my illness, and was finally able to this past weekend. She’s not really communicative, hasn’t eaten for weeks, mostly sleeps other than a few hours where she sits with her eyes open but they are glassy, and we’re not really sure if she’s registering anything. The second day i was there, she was awake when my mom and i arrived in the morning, finding her partway out of her bed. We helped her back into bed, told her how bright her eyes looked this morning (which they did, different than the day before), and when i turned to pick up a washcloth to wash her face i heard her say, “I’m dying.” This surprised me as earlier in the month she was very resistant to that eventuality. i sat on her bed next to her and she continued, “I’m dying and I want you to know I love you very, very much.” This so startled me that she was talking so clearly and accepting of what was happening that my eyes instantly welled up and tears ran down my face. She kissed me and said, “Don’t cry, don’t let it bother you when I die.” i told her that i loved her too and that she just surprised me. i assured her that i wouldn’t let it bother me and not to let it bother her about dying. We reassured her that it was ok to go, that we would always love her. She sat quietly after that and eventually went to sleep.

i went home that afternoon thinking that she would probably pass away that night or the next day. Besides finally appearing at peace with dying and saying goodbyes, she was displaying other signs of the final stages, according to the hospice nurse, such as a very good day of consciousness, a fever, and picking at her bedclothes. i felt good that we’d said our goodbyes and was hopeful that she could go and finally be at peace.

But that did not happen. She’s still lingering on and i have been so torn about it. i so want her to be able to go and i find myself disappointed that she didn’t. i feel badly for my mom who has been caring for her and at her side for the last two months. i feel badly that i wasn’t able to help due to my illness. i was ready and she seemed ready and i don’t know what’s holding her back.

During these past several days, Maximus has been traveling for work and is in Cincinnati. This trip has been very important and i’ve not wanted to interrupt Him. i also didn’t want to text Him with trivial things as i knew that getting a text during His meeting would startle Him into thinking grandma had passed away or i was upset and would be a huge distraction for Him. i let Him communicate with me and i responded, rather than our typical pattern of communication which is texting each other at any passing thought. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk to Him, i did.

During the couple of times we talked on the phone late in the evening (His late, being three hours ahead due to the time difference on the east coast), our conversations consisted of Him being very excited and animated about His trip, the travel, goings on in the bar and flirting with girls there, and His meeting. i let Him talk, i didn’t share with Him how i was feeling and what was going on, and as my submissive self, didn’t feel right in interjecting about what was happening here. i desperately wanted Him to ask me about what was happening and i wanted it to come from Him, not be steered by me. Unfortunately, it meant that He went on and on about all His stuff and i just didn’t have the capacity to deal with it. We’d have ten to fifteen minutes of texting or talk about His stuff before He asked how i was doing and by that time i was just so exhausted by it that i couldn’t talk about it at all. i felt my stuff was a huge let-down after all His excitement. i wanted His stuff to cheer me up and ending our conversation with my stuff didn’t allow that. All i wanted to do was to get off the phone. And that didn’t go well as i was emotional, frustrated, and He didn’t understand and wanted to hear was what happening, not wanting to let me go.

The last night of His trip was the worst conversation. Our phone call followed the same pattern and during His talking He mentioned that members of His team were texting Him wondering where He was and that they were waiting for Him in the bar–i told Him to go. He didn’t want to, He’d waited all day to hear my voice and get an update. This got very frustrating for me and i ended up raising my voice, insisting over and over to go to the bar, that i didn’t do anything significant that day to tell Him about (i really hadn’t, i had no energy and wandered around my house) and just wanted to get off the phone. i desperately wanted off the phone and absolutely did NOT want to hang up on Him, but i was at my emotional limit. He finally relented out of frustration and we said goodbye and hung up.

i didn’t feel He was being sensitive to what i needed. i texted how i felt and He replied that He was trying to be sensitive but had not been able to convey that. i let Him know that i didn’t have the capacity to hear for ten minutes how cool everything was there, that i wasn’t angry, just didn’t have the emotional capacity for it. i let Him know that i needed to get out of the conversation and didn’t want to hang up on Him, apologized for raising my voice. He said He understood.

Hours later, i hadn’t gotten a goodnight text from Him, like He always does. i texted Him, asking if we could talk. i was prepared to talk about what i needed. There was no reply so i called His room to leave a message, thinking He was still at the bar and didn’t hear His phone. He answered. i was taken aback, realizing that He’d gone to bed without saying goodnight.

He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know whether to text goodnight or not, not sure if reaching out to me was ok or not. i shared that it hurt to not hear goodnight from Him, that we would not have done that if we were physically together. He agreed. i then shared what i needed from Him, how i needed to be selfish right now and talk about me first, have Him ask about me and what’s going on, not hear for ten minutes how cool everything is there. i needed His stories to cheer me up after i share what’s going on and how i’m feeling here.

He felt horrible because He’d ignored His gut feelings. His gut was telling Him that i was not doing ok but when He asked me at the very start of every conversation, “How are you doing?” and i answered, “i’m okay…”, He ignored His gut and “took the wrong easy way” and continued self-absorbed in His conversation about Himself. “It was so wrong and I’m so sorry I did that,” He continued. i explained that “okay…” was not great or super or wonderful, which are my normal responses to Him when He asks how i am. Okay means i’m just hanging on. Being on the other side of the country is tearing Him up when i’m struggling here. He’s experiencing a level of empathy He’s not felt before for anyone.

He related His gut feelings about how i was doing to a time He was swimming along the coastline in Hawaii. While swimming, He got an uneasy gut feeling that He needed to get out of the water–there wasn’t anything that He saw that explained that feeling, it was just an overwhelming sense that He needed to get out of the water. When He walked out onto the beach, a lifeguard approached Him and told Him how glad they were that He got out of the water as several tiger sharks were following Him and they were trying to figure out how to get Him out of the water and away from them before they attacked. Had He ignored His gut, He might have been attacked and maybe killed.

He was disappointed that He’d ignored His gut this time and it was no less as dangerous. He apologized and i accepted His apology. And i promised to not let my submissive nature and desire to serve everyone get in the way of communicating what i really need. We also promised to never, ever go to sleep without saying goodnight. He ended our talk by telling me how important this conversation was–this was a first for Maximus, Him acknowledging how important a difficult discussion was. This alone made me love His guts even more.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, death and dying, intuition | Leave a comment

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