Monthly Archives: June 2013

Priorities, What’s the Conflict, and Leaps


i think it’s safe to say that the Imago dialogue has been one of the best tools for our relationship. While we’re not perfect at it, stumble through it most of the time, it has given us a framework to be heard and takes the volatility out of communicating our misunderstandings. This week we had a disconnect on communication and scheduling. i really started to feel i was not a priority to Maximus. And really, right now, it is hard to write this blog in much detail because it has been so diffused by our dialogue that it feels like a non-issue!

The crux of the issue were behaviors that made me feel that i was not a priority, not that i wasn’t a priority to Maximus–there is a huge difference there. But, as perception is reality, my feelings were MY reality. i shared my feelings about this with Maximus via text, but He was viewing this through His lens, His world, and responded by telling me all the reasons i’d not heard from Him, all the reasons our plans had been rescheduled. i could see that He was not considering my feelings and, in fact, i prompted Him to take some time to consider how it might be helpful for Him to mirror and validate and have some empathy about how i might be feeling rather than giving me a list of reasons that felt like He was invalidating what i felt, thus confirming my feeling of not unimportance. We were at an impasse, texting was not working, so the discussion was stopped until He would arrive the next day and we could do Imago.

Interestingly enough, by the morning, Maximus texted, “In reflecting upon yesterday I would like to profoundly apologize to you. I will work harder to better communicate to you regardless of the events that are surrounding Me at the time. you’re in My thoughts every moment of the day but I need to work harder at communicating that to you. Again, I apologize from the deepest part of My heart. I love you and I can’t wait to see you very soon.” i was still hurting and knew that texting or talking on the phone while He was driving down would not be effective, so i let Him know that i needed to wait until He arrived at my home to talk about this.

We went through the Imago dialogue process and it really helped Maximus understand how i was feeling. And it gave me a chance to feel heard, without blaming or critcizing Him. This seemed to help Maximus consider how He was prioritizing all areas of His life, Relationship, Family, Work, and Fitness, and realize that this was occurring in all four areas of His life, not just with me. We discussed strategies to help both of us.

This could have been a horrifically volatile event. But it wasn’t. Were there tears? Yes. Was there raging? No. Was there understanding? Absolutely. Is there carry-over resentment? Absolutely NOT! It’s so well communicated that i’m having trouble blogging about it now!

What’s the Conflict?

question marks

Once we are able to dialogue about issues, Maximus and i can move on without underlying static. It really is remarkable. i don’t feel there is any unfinished business, no unheard issues.  This allows us to really be able to talk and share later, without grudges on old business, days later.

Last night, in a change of plans, Maximus and i decided to go out for happy hour and dinner. We ended up staying for hours, talking and talking and talking about us, how counseling was going, how the framework of Imago dialogue was helping. And we had some epiphanies, two in particular.

The first epiphany was about how Maximus and i define conflict. And it was really akin to Bill Clinton’s response during grand jury “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” Maximus was explaining that He visioned our relationship completely free of conflict–happy. This seemed completely unrealistic to me. As we sat at the bar, i decided to use an analogy to explain to Maximus how i felt having an expectation of a conflict-free relationship set us up for extreme failure. My analogy was about work, that overall, when He considers work, He finds it fulfilling, enjoyable, challenging, and that He really, really loves what He does. However, there are times when it is aggravating, frustrating, there are disagreements with others, conflict, and issues need to be dealt with, but that does not change the overall feeling that He loves His work. He did agree with that, but noted, “but there’s no conflict there.” This confused me, because i had just described a linear timeline of years of his work relationship with lots of little conflicts over the years that were dealt with but did not diminish His love for His job. i ran my finger along the bar in a timeline, showing a linear relationship of time with little stops of conflict all along, but that this did not divert from a feeling of happiness and satisfaction at the arrowhead at the end that was still moving forward through time. Maximus pointed about 3/4 through the line and said, “But there’s no conflict there,” and i pointed all along the line and said, “There was conflict here and here and here but it was dealt with.” And then we realized…i define conflict as a disconnect, something that requires an intervention of some sort to deal with a misunderstanding, a clarification, whatever, to prevent a catastrophic event; Maximus defines conflict as a fight, a rage, something damaging and huge, the catastrophic event!

whats the conflictWhat an amazing revelation! And how important is that? i’ve been thinking Maximus is unrealistically expecting a relationship free of misunderstanding, when He is describing a relationship free of damaging fighting. We completely agree on our relationship vision, we just define the words differently! He did not view disconnects or misunderstandings as conflicts, as i did–of course!



The final epiphany had to do with my communication needs. Maximus had been considering His communication style, in light of our dialogue the previous morning, in regards to me understanding the commitment in GOT. He shared that He thought He finally realized why i had trouble with this, something He felt was so clear and strong. He shared with me that He just couldn’t understand why i would have the question, “Why did You choose me?” when it was so obvious to Him. But that He is realizing now, that the question, “Why did You choose me?” was not questioning His decision to choose me, but that it was a request for validation, for Him to share what things led Him to choose me! This was a leap in thought for Him!

And this was clear to me! i started to giggle actually, because this became completely clear to me two weeks ago when we did the couples intake forms for Fern! i realized, when Maximus answered the question about what made Him fall in love with me, that we’d never discussed that before, and it made me cry to hear Him answer it. i know i’m great, a great catch, i just wanted to have that validated from Maximus.

We are back on track and better than before. We have developed techniques to enhance our communication and to deal with the occasional misunderstanding/conflict in order to avoid catastrophic conflicts. And we both feel we are ready now to have guided communication with Fern about the elephant in the room–Ms. W. The groundwork is done, the framework established, and we are ready to move forward.

Categories: balance, communication, conflict, counseling, Imago, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

Getting Pissy and Let me Stay

golden shower

The first part of this post is about golden showers. While this is an adult-only site, i realize not everybody is into water sports, so if you’re not, just skip down to the section, Let me Stay.

Maximus adores piss play. One of the things He loves about us is that He gets to fulfill every one of His fantasies with me, including those that He’d never been able to pursue, let alone tell anyone about. His water sport experiences have been limited to peeing on women while showering with them, completely unbeknownst to His bathing guest. Until me. Maximus has pissed on my body, sides of my face, my pussy, in my ass with a funnel, and had me piss all over Him and into His mouth. He loves it. He’s not urinated in my mouth, but has been working me up to that.

A few days after my last rage, three weeks ago, Maximus texted, somewhat in jest, “I guess now I can piss directly in your face and mouth now. Kinda like a get out of jail free card. Hehe.” i replied, “Ok, i’ll do anything. i’ll do whatever it takes to earn Your trust back.” So i knew my trip up this weekend would include this scene. He shared with me the details of when and where so i’d be prepared.

Maximus picked me up at the airport and we went directly to Swimmer Guy’s home on Lake Sammamish. He led me to the beach house and instructed me to undress and kneel for Him in the shower, but with my head tipped back and mouth open. i was quaking inside, but i trust Maximus and had given Him my word, yes, redundant as He has my bond. Maximus stripped and entered the shower with a raging erection. He face fucked me and then stood over me and had me wait as He worked to ease the hard-on to urinate. And then it started, first splashing on my chest and then into my face and mouth, warm, streaming, Maximus groaning in ecstasy! And it wasn’t bad at all, in fact, it was quite enjoyable!

i’d purposely not used the restroom after landing at the airport and my full bladder was about to explode. It was especially hard to hold it while He was peeing on me. i begged Maximus to allow me to pee on Him. He pulled me up and had me squat over Him and i emptied myself all over His face and body, watching Him spit my piss like a fountain, emptying His mouth over and over. He then shoved me forward and slammed His cock into my pussy, pulling my piss soaked hair. He alternated fucking my pussy and my mouth and finally came all over my face and breasts.

He then had my don my wetsuit over His piss and cum and we did our swim workout in the Lake. It was a phenomenal swim! And, yes, after the swim, we thoroughly cleaned the shower and our wetsuits. Yes, everyone pees in their wetsuit, but this is the first time i’ve had someone else pee in mine for me!

Maximus was in heaven!

Let me Stay

It had been nearly a month since Maximus and i had been together, the longest time apart since August, where we vowed to never be apart that long ever again. Obviously, we needed this time apart, but we were really wanting and needing each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. We had each other when we returned home from swimming and then again that night when we went to bed.

The Englishman is living at Maximus’ right now for a while, so i figured we would not get too crazy with our scenes, although he is fairly used to hearing Maximus and us through the bedroom door. Once in the privacy of our room, i brought my collar to Maximus, knelt in front of Him on the bed, and held my hair up so he could collar me. i was nearly in tears over this, especially hearing Him say, “Oh yes,” when i presented it to Him. Maximus took me, just His body, no toys, no rope, no bondage. He grabbed my collar and pulled me toward Him, pushed me where He wanted me, grabbed handfuls of my hair and breasts. And He started finger fucking my mouth, one finger, then two, then three, then four…pulling me up to straddle Him while He did this, holding me with the collar, demanding that i not swallow, but let my oral juices pour all over Him.

i honestly don’t remember a lot of what happened. i was just in such bliss to let Him use and enjoy my body in whatever manner He wanted and needed. i needed to submit to Him. At some point, His hands entered my vagina and into my G spot and i zoomed into subspace. i was flying, ecstatic, entranced by His carnal consumption of me, and i didn’t want to leave. i was outside of my body, not watching though, i was soaring through the heavens. i started to hear Maximus calling me back, asking me to come back to His safety. i didn’t want to leave, i wanted to stay, i wanted to soar for Him, wanted the waves of subspace to wash over me again and again, but i could hear Maximus begging me to come back to Him and He sounded concerned–i knew it was selfish of me to continue and He was worried. i was sobbing when i returned. Maximus cradled me, stroked my hair and face, wiped my tears and held me. He told me how beautiful and amazing i was and that i was safe. He wrapped His body around mine and we slept entwined, finally crashed into each other after such a long emotional break.

In the morning, Maximus described what He saw and heard. He had never seen anyone orgasm continuously for so long and that it appeared that i was convulsing. Tears streamed down my face and i howled, sounds He’d never heard from me before. He was both amazed and concerned for me and concerned too about The Englishman hearing this through the door! The difficulty in getting me out of subspace was concerning for Him–He said it was like a balloon or something slippery that He’d grab and would have slip out of His grasp to chase after again. And it was the same for me–it was like being a little girl running, giggling around a garden with someone calling out after me to stop, also giggling, like a game. Like being called in for dinner when all you want to do is keep playing.

The Englishman was amazed in the morning. He hadn’t been sure whether the sounds were good or bad–just something he’d never heard before.

It was an amazing experience for me and Maximus. i believe the intensity was not from sex or pain, but from the sheer emotional release of being back with Maximus, being in His arms, being treasured, and it sent me soaring.

Thank you Maximus for sending me there, for treasuring me, for our bliss. i love and adore You. GOT

Categories: aftercare, golden shower, subspace | 2 Comments

Beginning Imago


Maximus and i had our first couples counseling session with Fern. We did our session over Skype, He and i together and Fern remotely. It was a good session, setting a foundation for Imago therapy. Maximus was a bit confused, however, trying to figure out how we were supposed to use Imago to stop a rage event, but after He and i discussed it further after our session, we both understand that Imago is used to guide communication to resolve conflict prior to rage, to prevent me from having a raging event. This provides a framework for me to feel heard and for Him to not feel attacked.

Imago, developed by Harville Hendrix, PhD and his wife, Helen Lakelly Hunt, PhD, is based on theory that most conflicts are 90% triggered by past wounds and only 10% about the present situation. Furthermore, it is based upon your partner being the most ideal person to help you resolve those past wounds. Imago uses the connection between the partners to dialogue about issues rather than discussing them, in a safe space, at a time when both partners are able to fully be present for each other. The process  starts with one partner requesting an appointment to dialogue and then proceeding through a structure of Mirroring, Validation and Empathy.

Making an appointment is a crucial step in beginning this process. This requires the partner who has something to dialogue, be it an appreciation or a conflict, to request the presence of the other and to be able to articulate what the general topic would be. The other partner can either agree to discuss it right then, or request that they discuss it at a specific time later, when they are more able to commit to the process.

During mirroring, the sender articulates their thoughts, feelings, or requests using “I feel” or “I need” or “I love” statements, from their perspective, not shaming, blaming, or criticizing the receiver. The receiver listens mindfully, not interrupting, not stopping the sender. When the sender stops, the receiver starts by saying, “Let me see if I got what you’re saying…” and repeats back what the sender told them. This requires the receiver to really listen to what’s being said. The sender then can reply, “Yes, you got it,” or acknowledge things that were correct and  recommunicate things that were not picked up. When the receiver has mirrored back the sender’s communication correctly, the receiver asks, “Is there more?” The sender should ponder and add more if necesssary, and the cycle repeats, or acknowledge that they have communicated everything about this issue. At this point, if the sender is done, the receiver will then summarize what they have heard the sender communicate by starting, “So in summary, what I heard you say is…Did I get it?” The sender needs to listen and acknowledge or reiterate anything that was missed.

In the next step, validation, the receiver starts. In this step, the receiver acknowledges the sender’s perspective, but does not judge whether they believe it to be right or wrong. They are merely showing the sender respect for their reality, accepting that both partners may have different viewpoints. During validation, the receiver often starts, “That makes sense to me because…” and describing how their behavior or communication might have been received by the sender different than their intention.

The final step is empathy. Here, the receiver starts by communicating how they think their partner might be feeling. “I imagine you might be feeling….about this. Is that how you are feeling?” The sender now has a responsibility to acknowledge whether they got it or not, and if not, share what emotion they are feeling about the situation.

Imago Phrase Cues

I would like to dialogue about . . .
Is now okay?
I feel . . .
I love . . .
I need . . .
What’s bothering me is . . .

1. Mirroring
Let me see if I’ve got you.
I heard you say . . . or You said . . .
Am I getting you? or Did I get that?
Is there more about that?
Summary mirror
Let me see if I got it all . . .?
Am I getting you? Did I get all of that?
or Is that a good summary?

2. Validation
You make sense to me, and what makes sense is . . .
I can understand that . . .given that . . .
I can see how you would see it that way because sometimes I do . . .

3. Empathy

I imagine you might be feeling . . .
Is that what you’re feeling?

Maximus and i practiced this with Fern using an appreciation rather than a conflict. This allowed us to practice the steps without having to focus on a new way of communicating AND an issue. We stumbled through it. This is really a new way of communicating for us and we are not yet used to the structure of it. But, we did see the value in it. A big concern for Maximus is the empathy step, as he feels he is not an empathetic person and has difficulty assigning feelings to situations. Fern understood this and will be sharing a list of feelings with him for him to refer to in these situations. i don’t think Maximus is un-empathetic, i feel that the generation he was raised in devalued emotional/sensing/feeling response in males, seeing those as feminine qualities. i have, many times, been able to relate situations Maximus has encountered that were similar to something we are talking about, so He could put Himself back in that situation and remember how He felt at that time and apply that to our current situation and how i am feeling. This works if i know of a situation to relate it to, which isn’t always the case! i know Maximus IS empathetic, it will be a matter of developing that skill that was not valued, and i think Fern can be helpful in this.

Another thing we discussed with Fern, in context of Imago, was in regards to overcommunication. Maximus is still concerned about His overcommunication or oversharing and how i communicate better in writing and He communicates better orally. Fern shared that it is important to be able to contain ourselves when communicating, that we consider the impact of sharing every thought and thought-process rather than crafting the communication to share the thoughts more succinctly.  Maximus uses His communication to think out loud and that can be confusing for me, especially since as a writer, i present my thoughts on paper completely analyzed and edited to say exactly what i want to communicate–i don’t share the non-edited version. i take His communication as if it is edited, not a work in progress.

And it was a good thing we learned this concept and practiced Imago dialogue with Fern, because we had two instances to use this technique later that evening.

The first instance was right before dinner, about two hours after our session with Fern. Maximus and i had been discussing the session and playing with the Imago technique, summarizing our thoughts with each other. We had to cut the conversation short, however, as The Englishman came home before we were completely finished. When The Englishman wasn’t paying attention, Maximus shared with me how much He felt we were on the right track and held His hand up, wiggling His right index finger, and said, “And this [the ring i gave Him] will be back soon because of it!” The air was immediately sucked out of the room for me and i felt like i’d been sucker punched. i’d had no idea that He was not wearing the ring intentionally because of my last raging episode and worse, i’d not even noticed. i immediately excused myself to the bathroom to sit down and respond to this in private. i was horrified, sad, upset that i’d not noticed, upset that Maximus shared that when The Englishman was present (not that he’d seen it, but that i felt like i couldn’t talk to Maximus about it now and i felt set up for failure). i returned to the kitchen and motioned for Maximus to follow me. We went upstairs to the master bathroom and i asked Him if we could have a dialogue about the ring, and He agreed. We stumbled through the process and it really helped me to be able to calmly explain my feelings about it, feel heard, and for Maximus to understand my feelings, perspectives, and how that felt hurtful to me. He shared that His fingers had swollen in Las Vegas, which i knew, but that He had decided to wait to put it back on after we were back to normal, even though His fingers were no longer swollen, and do that with me ceremonially to celebrate our renewed togetherness. He had not, however, realized that i had not noticed He was not wearing it, assumed i knew He wasn’t, and it had not occurred to Him that i would feel hurt by Him not wearing it. This dialogue helped me feel heard, helped Him understand my feelings and perspectives, and make changes that benefited us both–He is wearing the ring. And no raging occurred. Raging would have most definitely occurred in the recent past with something like this.

The second instance was after we went to bed. While Maximus was on His business trip, He mentioned to me that He was planning on heading to Nordstrom to go see what He could find to get for me as a surprise. i thought this was wonderfully sweet and i was looking forward to seeing what might be in my drawer when i got to His home at the end of the week, which has been a thing that Maximus has done in the past to surprise me. He did not get a chance to go to the mall on that trip, however, but the expectation had been set up that He was planning on getting me something. There was nothing in my drawer when i arrived, but Maximus mentioned that He wanted to take me to the mall, to Nordstrom the next day and was very vague about it, so much so that i thought that was the new plan, to go together for that something for me. Unfortunately, our day got very full and the session with Fern went long, and we did not have time to go. As well, i had not brought clothes to go to the mall in and when we started out to go, Maximus felt He was peacocking me, overdressed in comparison, and then canceled our trip. i later asked what this trip was about and He said it was to go get Him some new dress slacks, which to me, seemed odd for Him to have been so vague about the trip if that was what it was about. By the time we went to bed, i was feeling that i had somehow disappointed Him with the session with Fern or how i’d dressed, and it caused Him to change His mind about getting me a gift. i ended up getting triggered about it during some rougher sex and excused myself to the bathroom to compose myself–Maximus allowed me this time to cry and breathe and return to Him to dialogue. i started by asking Him if we could dialogue about Nordstrom and then as we dialogued, i realized that my feelings were really about His overcommunicating. He actually thanked me for talking about this issue and how it made me feel; He had no idea that He was doing this, setting up my expectations for something that was on His list to do at some point, picking up a gift for me from Nordstrom. He’d not realized that His thinking out loud set me up to believe that i had a gift coming and could see how there being no gift and a canceled trip to Nordstrom would make me feel the way i did. “You’ve helped Me become a better person with this,” He shared.

It’s not intuitive yet and it’s not easy either, but we do see the merit in this process. It did help me not rage. i believe that it helps by requiring me to request a dialogue, knowing i’ll have His full attention, and that i have to give a topic of conversation, a focused conversation. Additionally, it allows me to talk without interruption and hear back from Him what He’s hearing, allowing me to clarify when we’re not on the same page. i feel heard and that my feelings are validated.

Categories: communication, conflict, counseling, Imago | Leave a comment


stay classy

One of the many things i love about Maximus is His class. i am always so impressed by His level of dignity, how He carries Himself, the manner in which He interacts with people, etc. This is what drew me to Him years ago. This week, i’ve had some interactions with others that have so illustrated how important it is for a Dom to have class and dignity. These things have been rolling through my mind and reiterate just how proud i am to be with Maximus, to be His.

i went out with Awesome A last week. We’d not been out for quite some time. She’s had a series of boyfriends and so her time has been limited by her dating life. She was very excited to get together so she could share about her new boyfriend, RedBeard. Awesome A has just started seeing this man and moved quickly into a committed relationship with him, plastering Facebook with countless pictures of them together, making out in photo booth pictures at fundraising events, etc. It’s been very fast and almost embarrassing to watch. But, she does deserve all the happiness in the world, and this makes her happy–and it is most definitely in response to her ex, Boyscout, who does the same thing online.

We met at a great bar for happy hour before going to a play. The weather was absolutely terrific and i enjoyed dressing for the occasion, in Best oftitanium glass Show fashion, as Maximus prefers. i wore my new short black skirt, a low-cut animal print tank, a pair of amazing animal print strappy stiletto sandals, and topped it off with the gorgeous silver and blue titanium glass pendant Maximus gave me. When i arrived, Awesome A was blown away with my great outfit, amazing shoes, and especially, my necklace. She raved about the necklace and i told her that Maximus had purchased it for me when He noticed how drawn to it i was when we saw it at a gallery. She asked if Maximus had given me the shoes as well, as last time we went out i was wearing a pair of stilettos He had given me (i had purchased this night’s sandals myself).

During happy hour i asked Awesome A to tell me about her new beau. She shared that He was very wealthy, a Chief Operating Officer of the company he was with, and that as it was a publicly traded company, she found out on Google how much money he made annually. She added that with that wealth he was spoiling her like Maximus spoils me, and i was taken aback by this comment as i have never told her, or anyone else for that matter, anything about Maximus’ income bracket. i had shared that Maximus had purchased the shoes and the necklace when she’d complimented them, and she knew He’d taken me on some trips to Las Vegas and Kona, but i’ve never bragged about any of this.

Awesome A texted constantly with RedBeard throughout happy hour–to the point of annoyance! She spontaneously shared many of the messages he’d sent. At one point she started laughing and told me that she had told RedBeard that i had a rich boyfriend that spoiled me just she he was spoiling her and he had replied, “i’m standing in front of Tiffany’s right now. What do i need to buy to outdo her boyfriend?” Well i was just disgusted by that statement! It wasn’t that i was upset thinking that my friend would get more things than me, things don’t matter, it was that this guy appeared to be intimidated by her friend having a boyfriend who he thought was outdoing him and was turning this into a competition! As i sat there, i realized how low-class that was, that Maximus would never do or say anything like that in a million years, that He had more class in His little finger than this man had in his entire body.

To change the subject, i asked whether RedBeard was vanilla or kinky, and she said he had only had one-on-one sex, but that it was pornstar quality. i asked if she was going to share her non-vanilla sexual history with him, including our encounter, and she said she’d shared some spicy details with him but not too much detail.

On the way home from our evening i talked to Maximus and shared what had happened. He, too, found RedBeard’s comments disappointing.

i finally met RedBeard in person this weekend at a race. Awesome A showed up with Him and introduced us. He came forward to give me a hug, which was fine, i’m a hugger, so that didn’t bother me. But when He hugged me, He rubbed His chest back and forth against my breasts, very obviously and gave me a full-on kiss on the mouth! He did this in front of a whole bunch of friends of both Awesome A’s and mine, which was awkward. Later, i shared what happened with Maximus and he thought that was a douche-move. i told Maximus that perhaps Awesome A had told him about our encounters and it was his way of showing interest about that. Maximus, however, shared that He has intimate knowledge of what Awesome A and i have done as He was on speakerphone during much of it; and despite all that, when He met her for the first time, He gave her a simple hug and kiss on the cheek, because it would have been completely inappropriate, as a gentleman, to do anything other than that.

Class–it’s such an important trait of a Dom. i appreciate that from Maximus.

Categories: BDSM relationship, Class, Dominant | 1 Comment

Hitting the Nail on the Head


i had another session with Fern yesterday and it went really well.

On my way to my visit, Maximus called from His business trip in California so He could share with me where He was at in our healing process. His intention was to share that with me, but to let me know what to share with Fern about His progress. Maximus is healing and feeling like we are making some forward progress, like the train is starting to move forward on the tracks, taking on fuel, building up steam, and starting to accelerate. He now feels confident that i am working on my issues and doesn’t feel at risk for my raging at Him like He had even just a few days ago. He praised me for the work i’ve been doing and what i’ve been sharing with Him.

Fern and i started with me sharing with her the breakthrough that Maximus and i had when going over the couples intake form together for her. She was very, very pleased with this and glad that we have been communicating so well and coming to a better understanding, using what we have been sharing and truly listening to each other. i also shared that i was going up to Maximus’ in a week, something that was a big change from just a few days ago, and illustrated a big step for us.

She then shared with me the types of rage that i have been having:

Survival Rage. This is triggered by basic needs not being or feared not being met and leads to a fight or flight response. It is related to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In my case, my basic fears are loss of self, loss of freedom/feeling trapped, being taken advantage of.

Impotence Rage. This is raging out of a feeling of helplessness, feeling powerless to effect changes.

Abandonment Rage. Triggers for abandonment are related to a fear of losing an important relationship.

Shame Rage. This includes the triggers of feeling disrespected, unheard, embarrassed, or ashamed.

It was interesting to have her share these with me as i had come to the same conclusion about my triggers and identified Abandonment and Shame Rage as types of rage i have been experiencing. i had not read about Survival or Impotence Rage, but i had sort of lumped those things into Abandonment and Shame. She acknowledged that i had done a great deal of work discovering these triggers in evaluating my raging and felt i have come a long, long way in my progress already because of that.

She asked me how i felt in my progress and what things i felt i needed help in. i shared with her that i felt very good about acknowledging the fact that i had unresolved issues from my second marriage and that those things triggered raging behavior in me now. i have done a really good job in not letting the communication break between Maximus and me trigger me into raging behavior, something that would have been an issue before. In fact, it was one of the things Maximus praised me for, as i’d not raged when He needed space and not raged the night before when He was having cell phone connectivity issues that prevented Him from calling me (in the past, i would have been infuriated about that and assumed that He was using that as an excuse not to talk). So in those areas, i feel very good. The one area that we haven’t encountered again since my last rage and now have to do with my reactions related to Ms. W and as that has been such a strong trigger, i was very nervous about it and really wanted to develop techniques for dealing with them to avoid undoing the progress i and we have made.

Fern asked me to define our relationship, whether it was poly or something else. i shared with her that we are not poly but emotionally-monogamous, only able to love one other person, but sexually-nonmonogamous. i explained what that meant and how we had worked very hard to define that early on in our relationship. We then talked about how Ms. W fit into that, any agreements we had about their relationship, and how i felt about it.

After this discussion, Fern asked me about boundaries, how i felt about my boundaries. i shared with her, as i had last session, my problem with keeping boundaries in relationships (see the excerpt from Eat Pray Love in this post about my boundary issues). my problem in past relationships is that i have always dissolved into the other person and lost my self, my soul. i gave up my friends, family, hobbies, and absorbed theirs, championed their interests by totally immersing myself in them. This caused a lot of damage to me, to my ego, and was illustrated by friends and family saying, “Yeah, gabriella’s back!” when i had split with those partners and rediscovered myself. This was a big part as to why i was so afraid of having another relationship again, but, being that Maximus lived hours away, was my fan and championed my interests, i felt i might be able to keep my boundaries and not lose my self in this relationship.

This was an important discussion for us to have, because i had realized this week that while a lot of the raging was about past hurt and irrational, there were some bits of truth in the rage, hidden in the irrationality, which had to do with my fear of losing control of my boundaries. Fern was glad to hear me say that, that it was important for me to understand that while there is a lot of past involved in my rage, there are things, albeit small things, in this relationship that triggered those past feelings; and it would be important to include Maximus in this discussion because it deals with how we relate and how we can best communicate these things. For this, Fern will be using Imago therapy that focuses on communicating needs, wants, fears, desires, etc without shaming, blaming, or criticizing. My homework for this week will be to write down things that i feel imbalanced about or concern me about my boundaries so Maximus and i can discuss these in our couples session with her. And we will be doing this session in a week via Skype with Fern when i am up with Maximus.

Another bit of homework this week will have to do with some writing to create new neural pathways for me. In this assignment, i will be writing a dialogue between History and Wisdom, the personifications of my sources of self-talk. The dialogue will start with History asking Wisdom for help. The most interesting part of this is that when i do this writing, i will be doing this with pen and paper and use my non-dominant hand when i write History’s dialogue and my dominant hand when i write Wisdom’s dialogue. i think this is fascinating! And it makes sense to me. When i was struggling to learn how to breathe bilaterally during swimming, someone suggested that while i was doing this i should brush my teeth, use eating utensils, etc with my non-dominant hand as to help train my brain to do things on my non-dominant side. It helped! In this case, this will empower Wisdom to become more dominant than History, reducing the high level of counsel History currently has. Interestingly, when i shared this with Maximus, He totally accepted this as well as He had used this technique in college water polo. i will work on this dialogue this week.

Maximus and i talked for hours about this session–it was great! i was a little concerned about sharing about this session as it dealt with boundaries and Ms. W and needing to have guided communication about concerns and imbalances i have felt about her and in our relationship. i didn’t want Him to feel defensive about this. And, i didn’t want to do too much communication about this without the guided technique as we have worked on communicating on these things throughout our relationship and not resolved them, so i didn’t want to continue an old pattern and perhaps upset each other. However, Maximus did want to talk about this, and i was honest and told Him about my fear of talking about it early. It was a great conversation, though. Maximus was sharing His confusion about why i had no issues with Z-Baby who was very clearly in love with Him and had no qualms about making it known but huge insecurity about Ms. W, who he felt had no love interest in Him whatsoever. My response was simple and is the same response i have always shared with Him, “Because Z-Baby was nice to me and i felt Ms. W has always treated me horribly. Ms. W’s behavior has always made me feel that she was trying very hard to make it known she didn’t like me and was trying to block me, physically from You.” i explained the examples, how Z-Baby and i were friends, did things together with and without Him, talked and texted, whereas Ms. W. was dishonest to me, woudn’t look at me or talk directly to me if He was present, put me down, clung to Him in my presence. This made me feel there was something to be fearful of. And this time, Maximus heard me. This will be very important for our discussion next week.

Later, Maximus and i were talking about the discussion that Dan and dawn had on their latest Erotic Awakening podcast about Slave Journals. i shared that Dan prefers written journals to electronic ones and we discussed our preference to having mine online. i shared with Maximus that i felt that we would not be as far as we are in this healing process if i’d not had this online journal, and He agreed completely. i went on and said i didn’t think we’d be together today without it, and He strongly disagreed with that, saying that He would not have abandoned me, that we would have still been communicating, but that we wouldn’t be nearly as far in the healing process without it. As we are in a distance relationship, an online forum works best for us, He can access my journal any time, any place–if my journal was on paper, He’d only get to see it when we were together, and we need to share about my journaling more frequently than that allows. He did go on to say that some times it is painful for Him to read some of my posts, not often, but occasionally, as in the instance of the post about my recent nightmare. This was the first time He’d mentioned anything about this, so i asked Him to explain. For Him, this nightmare was just so vivid, as my posts always paint pictures and tell our story, and it pained Him to read about Him leaving abruptly and permanently. Just as it was difficult for me to determine when i first awoke whether it was a nightmare or reality, reading about it gave Him pause as He struggled with the feelings those images evoked in Him.

So another great session, some more work to do, healing happening, toxins dissipating, communication flourishing.

To end, i thought i’d share a video i saw this week. What an illustration of Blue and 8, how Maximus and i describethe differences how men and women often differ in communication needs between problem-solving (logic) and empathy (feeling) (see more explanation in this post). Maximus and i both got a kick out of this!

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling, submissive journal | 1 Comment

What i’m Reading


i love to read! i bought a Kindle with airline mile points about a year ago and love the convenience of getting books without having to drive to a bookstore or library. i can get a book at 3AM if i want! And it will suggest other books you might like, books i otherwise might not have known about. It’s not uncommon for me to read several books a day on my Kindle, or Kindle app on my iPhone or laptop.

What i’ve been reading:

Sex, Stories and Power Exchange by Dan and dawn Williams

sex stories and power exchangei started reading this on the plane ride back from our trip to Las Vegas. Maximus and i really, really enjoy Dan and dawn’s podcast, Erotic Awakening, and found their other book, Living M/s, to be very insightful and a great guide for us. This book is not so much a guide on total power exchange relationships as a collection of scenes. Dan and dawn include their discussion points at the end of each chapter, as they do in Living M/s, so there are caveats and lessons learned, etc from them in regards to scenes and M/s relationships.

Before i had the raging episode, i loaded this book on Maximus’ iPhone and He started reading it as well. i was, and still am, interested in discussing the scenes in the book and find out what interests both of us. i think it will be enlightening!

Women: The Ownership Manual by Logan Alexander

womenThis book was very interesting as it is a guide for men looking to establish D/s relationships. For me, it helped reaffirm the reasons i flourish in a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship: being protected in all circumstances and all times, being guided, a feeling of completeness allowing me to do anything for the right man, being uniquely desired, etc. The fascinating thing for me was that while reading it, i realized the points the author was making for male readers to understand and implement in fostering this type of relationship were all things that came, or seemed to come, naturally to Maximus.

Each chapter has case studies of D/s relationships and how they employed the concepts presented in that section. What i appreciated was the range of application presented, from subtle to extreme, recognizing that each relationship seeks its own level and aren’t cookie-cutter images.

Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon

leading and supportiveWhat i enjoyed about Lyon’s book was that it focused on the psychology of D/s relationships, not as a relationship as a whole, but on the level of personal dynamics of the Dominant (leading partner) and the submissive (supportive partner) and how they interact and are naturally attracted to each other. i really loved how the author addressed equality and control in the relationship, recognizing that both partners have equality and control in the relationship, something that many people do not understand when looking at D/s, M/s, or TPE relationships from the outside. And i appreciated how he found that many submissive (supportive) partners are leaders, major decision-makers in their professional lives and are so relieved to come home to a partner who can make decisions in their home and personal lives, melting into that and truly relaxing.

i found the information on the attributes of each partner, on what they need from the other person, to be extremely enlightening. And it helped confirm how my previous relationships were just not a good match for me. It was amazing to read this and then go over the conversations i’d had with Maximus about this topic and see how much of it matched up. And it was the same for the things He had shared with me.

These books were all different from one another, each dealing with a different aspect of BDSM, D/s, and kink. While there were parts that i didn’t need in all of them, there were parts that were very helpful and enlightening. i think it is important to be educated and informed, be open to all opinions and potential aspects to this type of lifestyle in order to both formulate and support your personal relationship. For some, this can be a great way to affirm they are ok, not deviant. For others, it can be a way to help decide what direction they want to take their relationship. Each book provided a kernel of knowledge that was reaffirming, thought-provoking, and helpful, and a great conduit to initiate important conversations with my partner.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dan and dawn, Erotic Awakening, M/s, relationship, relationship needs, Total Power Exchange | 1 Comment

Nightmare and Dreams Come True


Last night, well this morning, i awoke with a nightmare. i dreamt i was raging at Maximus again and it was awful.

In my dream, we were at my mother’s house, having a discussion about something, and i felt that i was getting frustrated and triggered by it. i asked Maximus for a break to settle down and after a few minutes, He came into the room i was in and started the discussion again. He wouldn’t stop and i hadn’t had enough time to settle down, and i ended up yelling at Him. As soon as i did, He said, “That’s it! We’re done!” and stormed off. He got into His car and sped away. i was crushed and went outside to the edge of the woods on mom’s property and started gathering pieces of photographs of Maximus and me that were hanging on branches and blackberry brambles, appearing to have been strewn over the area.

That’s when i awoke, not spontaneously, but by an alarm. i don’t know what was going to happen next. It was a horrible way to wake up and for a moment, i wasn’t sure whether it was a nightmare or a horrible reality. But, as it was set at my mom’s house and had the photographs strewn in the woods, i deduced it was a nightmare.

While i’m feeling better about what’s going on with the raging and my emotions, i’m obviously still scared of repeating a rage.

On the flip side, Maximus and i will be getting together in just under ten days, something that was not even on the horizon just a day or two ago. i had wanted to go up to His home immediately after i’d had my last rage, to reassure myself that we were okay, but Maximus had said no. This was an awful feeling as He’d never refused me before. But, given time, i realized He was right in saying so–we needed space. Yesterday my schedule freed up and during our phone call last night, i asked Maximus if i could come up during my unexpected vacation, and He said He would love to have me come up and that we would be doing something with His kids to celebrate June birthdays and Father’s Day. Not only did He mention we’d be doing that, but that the kids had been asking about me and wanting me to join Him. He was excited that i was coming up. And this made my heart sing.

Maybe that’s why the nightmare. i’m probably worried about messing things up. But, nightmares don’t have to come true. We can wake ourselves up when they start and avoid the terror–which is exactly what i will do if ever i feel triggered in real life–wake myself up and live in the beautiful dream come true instead.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, dreams | Leave a comment

A Breakthrough


Yesterday Maximus and i worked on our couples questionnaire for Fern. i had already filled out my answers and forwarded the questionnaire for Him to finish, but Maximus requested that we go over His answers over the phone and have me type them out as writing is my strength and speaking is His forte. i thought this was an excellent idea as i was pretty sure the intention of this questionnaire was that the couple complete it together.

This was an amazing process for us! We had breakthroughs when we did this and i wonder how much of the questionnaire was for Fern and how much of it was to get us to talk about things. i’m going to include the questions and our answers here and then talk about the breakthroughs.

Describe your previous individual or couples counseling experience if you have had any.

We have not had any previous couples counseling together.

gabriella had couples counseling, primarily solo, toward the end of her second marriage, as her spouse was not interested in going to counselling. He went begrudgingly twice, once with each one of the two counselors she met with, trying to find someone he would feel comfortable with. The second counselor advised me, after a few sessions and after meeting with my spouse, that i needed to consider whether this was a marriage worth continuing. i ended my counseling relationship with him then and then, eventually, the marriage.

Maximus was in individual counselling 3 times a week for three years, 1998-2002, at the end of His first marriage and after their divorce. He went to four times with first wife, but it was of no use, as the marriage was too far gone at that point. In 2003-2004, He was in couples counseling with second wife prior to their marriage. His last experience in counselling was 2011-2012 where He was in individual therapy related to the separation and divorce from His second wife.

What would you most like to get out of our work together?

gabriella would like to stop raging. she would like to restore her ability to trust in a relationship and believe that Maximus has chosen to be with her, and not question that.

Maximus would like gabriella to realize that there is a commitment in the phrase He presented to her, GOT (Growing Old Together). He would like for her to deal with her rage and jealousy issues so that we can get back on the same life path that we were previously on together.

Attraction Phase:  Describe falling in love with your partner.  What were the traits they possessed that made you decide to connect with them.

gabriella never intended to be in a Relationship again and really didn’t think she would be in love with someone again. Maximus and i had known each other for several years, had been friends in the swinging lifestyle, having met each other with our respective spouses in that arena and played together (although our spouses did not like each other at all!!). Maximus and i got together after both of us had our divorces, not to start a Relationship, but to reconnect as friends, enjoy sex with each other, and divorce support. We both really understood what it was like to be twice divorced and during conversations, discovered that we had both come to the place where we just wanted to embrace our Ethical Slut, enjoying that lifestyle, enjoying friends, cultivating fun relationships, realizing that marriage just wasn’t our thing.

We also share a common passion for endurance sports, Maximus being involved in that for most of his life, gabriella more recently. Maximus was very supportive of me.

The traits i love about Maximus that made me fall in love with Him, despite my belief that i was not ever going to be in love or in a committed relationship again were:

  • Complete openness and honesty in communication. We talk for hours and hours about our pasts, about our current feelings, at a level i had never experienced with anyone before. We call this a principle of over-communication and it has been a big part of our relationship.
  • Common interest in non-monogamy, swinging, high sex drive, adventurous sexually
  • No interest in polyamory, complete agreement and understanding of emotional monogamy
  • Amazing fitness level, supportive of my time requirements for training
  • Professional, educated, intelligent
  • Wonderful social being who lights up the room.
  • Financially stable.
  • A neat freak like me! This was a huge issue in my second marriage.
  • He’s my biggest fan. i’ve never had that before.
  • In love with life, “Life is Good!” attitude
  • A desire to travel and travel together
  • And despite me telling Him that i was not ever going to fall in love or be in a relationship again, He had the courage to tell me He had fallen in love with me and asked me to reconsider.

Maximus: There has always been a connection with gabriella. We met through mutual friends at a swinging party. Whenever we attended parties that these friends hosted, we always looked for each other, and when we were both there, at some point, we always got together–and it was always more than just sex to Me. I was unaware of what she did for an occupation and I was also unaware that at the time, that she was 70 pounds heavier than she is now.

gabriella reached out to me in 2012 when she heard that I was separated. she reached out to me as a friend, there was no sexual intention to that contact. The relationship started as we started to get to know each other. I invited her up to My home to stay during an athletic event she was participating in, as two friends; that’s when I learned about her occupation, her leadership, all these things, that she’d lost all this weight, and she was into triathlons and working out. There was a shared view of work, in other words, we are both leaders, and we had a lot of discussions about this. her business philosophy was very impressive, and she had the extra barrier of doing that in a male-dominated field. Because I have three girls, I have always championed women breaking glass ceilings.

The sexuality was spectacular. her experiences were right aligned to Mine. I was looking for a partner in this area.

I learned, after the race, her intelligence, how smart she was, and more about her. I didn’t really know a lot about her until then. I thought, she’s cool, athletic, professional, sexy as hell, and she’s been married twice, no intentions of being married again–finally I find someone who was a kindred spirit to where I am now. I cannot think of a time that I didn’t enjoy her company.

In Las Vegas, September 2012, I verbalized what had been occurring in my heart. I was being transparent and honest. We had talked enough that I thought she would understand. I don’t think I knew her as well then, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Because it’s real. A little later, I came up with GOT and that was it.

I just love gabriella and love being around her. We have so many things. It’s hard for Me not to get a little pissed off about what’s happened. We shouldn’t be having this conversation because I just love her so much and am totally committed to her.

I never thought I would fall in love again. I wasn’t opposed to it. I love the concept of having an emotional relationship. I feared I was toxic to people. Falling in love with gabriella was a wonderful thing that’s happened, the sexuality is extremely powerful, but you can’t fuck 24 hours a day, there has to be a connection with someone. Conversations are just natural and wonderful. I have no jealousy.

I enjoy talking about her. I enjoy sharing about her.

I don’t have to entertain her. she is self-reliant, self-confident, doesn’t need me to find things for her to do—this was a problem in my second marriage.

Power Struggle: (Things changed when…)

For gabriella, things changed when we went from Friends with Benefits to a committed relationship. i told Maximus i was terrified when He shared that He had fallen in love with me and wanted to have a committed relationship together, because i realized i hadn’t done any work to prepare for having a Relationship, only had worked on restoring my ego or self. But, i realized i was in love with Maximus, He was in love with me, and i thought that would conquer all. i believed, at the time, that these wonderful traits of Maximus, the fact that He was in love with me and my biggest fan, would automatically make me feel secure and trusting. i truly believed that.

i had not felt insecure about any of the other women Maximus had been with, including Ms. W, when we were FWB (friends with benefits)—not even an inkling. It wasn’t until we were in a committed relationship that i began to question His relationship with Ms. W, and particularly her, not any other women He was with sexually or socially. She has been my focus of insecurity and jealousy.

Maximus says…with the rage. There are four particular cases.

What do you imagine it is like being in an intimate relationship with you?

For gabriella, i think it’s difficult to be in an intimate relationship with me. i am impatient, headstrong, over-analytical, require a lot of communication. i think a large part of my desire to never be in another relationship was my fear of being lied to and taken advantage of. On the good side, i am 1000% committed to the person i’m with, give them a huge amount of attention, pay attention to their interests, desires, needs, wants, take time to find special things and gifts from my heart, things that often surprise them due to their specificity to them, and am their biggest fan in the world. i will defend them to the end of the world, am their champion. And i am enormously passionate, of them and sexually.

For Maximus, you have someone who will love you unconditionally, will accept you, will hold you when you cry. I will spoil the shit out of you, money is meaningless, if I want to get something I will and if it’s directed to you, so be it. A relationship with me is also a relationship with my profession and my kids and swimming (working out). At times, that 4 legged stool is balanced, and other times it is not. There is competition for my time. I try to balance that. 

What are the strengths of this relationship?

Despite some very ugly and hurtful episodes of raging from gabriella, Maximus is still here. i think that is amazing and truly says everything about His commitment to this relationship.

We are communicators, about EVERYTHING.

We are on the same page sexually, desire the same things in our relationship and in our sexual relationship.

We both have a desire to be in counseling. We actually talked about doing this four months ago, before things got to this point, and weren’t able to due to things going on in our lives.

Maximus says,




The only thing is, at times, communication can be two sided sword. I always want to be transparent. When I tell her, she gets jealous, or she misinterprets. Should I not communicate and we not have a problem? I don’t want to do that, don’t want to withhold anything. 

Is there anything else that would be important for me to know about you and/or your relationship, past experiences or your current challenges so I can be of most help to you?   (Use the back of page as needed.)

gabriella has included journal entries about this.

From Maximus,

gabriella can be very social, but her power meter goes down in that environment and she is expending personal energy. To recharge, she needs alone time for solar recharging. I am the opposite. When I’m by myself, I’m happy, but the battery is running down. Mine charges up so quickly from people.

We had a recent episode meeting another couple and I got completely energized and engrossed, fed by the social interaction, but failing to get signals and hear gabriella saying she was not connecting with them and wanted to end the meetup. she could have stabbed me in the thigh and I wouldn’t have noticed. We need to figure out a better way to communicate so I don’t repeat that. This was a raging event that I can’t blame her for.

To Me, I have the best relationship, I am proud of it. I have introduced her to the kids, and they love her. My brother’s heard nothing but great things from my kids about her. What’s not to like and love about her? I’m proud of that. I enjoy bragging about her. I love telling people about her kicking My ass, a beating, when I took her to Kona to train. I have no desire to compete with her. I enjoy time together. Few people could keep up with her. I was glad to complete the things I did. I am happy about that. I don’t have to beat her. It’s something we can do together.

I think for gabriella, there is the fat chick in this hot chick’s body that can’t believe I chose her. And she’s waiting for me to see the fat chick and leave, confirming it.

Our Breakthroughs

The breakthroughs for me were about how Maximus fell in love with me and the things that attracted Him to that. And that He felt there had always been a connection with me, even while we were still married to others and without future divorces on the horizon. It made me tear up. I was actually kind of amazed that we’d never talked in depth about this and realized how important it was. And despite everything, He is still absolutely in love with me and still my biggest fan.

For Maximus, the breakthrough came at the end of the questionnaire. When He made the comment about being fearful of over-communicating and that perhaps He should just withhold stuff as to not get Himself in trouble, i shared with Him that i need the over-communicating and that my raging was not because He had been honest and open with me, it was because i had taken that information, over-analyzed it, and distorted it into something completely different. The problem was within me, not Him–He’d done nothing wrong! Failing to communicate fully and openly would just prove my fear of things being hidden from me.

He asked why i was doing that and i explained the history of how ex-husband, OneGuy, used to hide information and when i discovered things and wanted to talk about it, he absolutely refused to do so, going to extremes by not looking at me, not acknowledging my presence, not talking to me, including not answering the phone or texts, for periods up to a week. i was constantly lied to, including lies by omission, so i had to use other means to get the truth, including body language, phone history, etc. i got very good at picking up on non-verbal cues about OneGuy’s lies.

Maximus asked when i started raging and i told Him it was after living in this environment that i started raging at OneGuy. i felt like i was being treated as a prisoner, behind bars. After time, being ignored this way, i just started to yell, scream, stomp my feet, banging things against the bars to try to get the guard’s (OneGuys) attention, just like prisoners do. i think this is human nature, and is even shown in the Zimbardo Prison Experiment in the early 70s, a psychological experiment i had even studied with fascination prior to my relationship with OneGuy. i turned into an inmate, and i’ve never dealt with that.

During this discussion i shared with Maximus that during these past two weeks, as i have recalled the raging events, the things i’ve said, i’ve come to realize that i am still raging at OneGuy. In fact, the things i have yelled and screamed about to Maximus are not even things He’s done–they are things OneGuy had done. The feelings of being taken advantage of, being trapped, ignored, lied to, used financially, are all feelings i had with OneGuy; Maximus has not done any of those things. i am screaming at Maximus for what OneGuy has done.

This last part was the big breakthrough for Maximus. He has been just devastated that He could not figure out, for the life of Him, what He had done to cause me to rage at Him–it wasn’t making any sense. All He could see was that i was bat shit crazy and coming up with things out of thin air. He couldn’t understand my rage and what He’d done wrong. It makes sense to Him now as He can see that i have been projecting my anger from my last marriage upon Him. In His gut, He had a feeling that i’d had unresolved issues from my divorce.

Maximus shared, “Today I took a huge step toward you. I feel closer to you now since our trip to Las Vegas. And I feel very good about that.” He shared that He has all the confidence in the world that i’m working on this an not going to fuck this up. This breakthrough removed a huge chunk of the toxin He’s been injected with. And i shared that it my toxin he was suffering from.

“This is what I want,” He continued. “I’m willing to take a chance.” And then He shared,

Love bears all things,

Love believes all things,

Love hopes all things,

Love endures all things.

Love never ends.

~ Corinthians 13:7-8

We are so blessed.

i could hear the improvement in Maximus’ voice, He has come back. Our phone calls ended with “I love you” again, and He’s texting and calling. We are recovering together. Patience, space, and guided communication has helped us. Maximus is my biggest fan, so incredibly committed to me and us…i cannot question His commitment. He is Maximus, not OneGuy. He loves me unconditionally. i get it. i will not fuck this up.

if he

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, honesty, openess | Leave a comment

It’s No Thing


i had my second session with Fern yesterday. i was just too wiped out last night to write about it (i went immediately from that appointment to have my Mirena IUD removed and replaced with a new one as it had been five years and time to replace it. While the process to remove and replace the IUD was much, much better than the initial placement, it caused cramps and i was just worn out by early evening). I did share the bulk of this with Maximus on the phone last night, but told Him there was a mantra i was working on and would share with Him later when i had a chance to really take time with it.

This session was the first time for Fern to do some in depth investigation into me as the first session was really an introduction of me and the situation. We started with having me “check in” with her about how i was feeling, what things were going on, or if there were any stressors on the periphery that could impact me, my reactions, thought processes, or stress level. i really was feeling great. Maximus and i’d had some really great conversations, which i posted about and more that i didn’t (just general conversations), and i felt really terrific about this. The only stressors on the horizon had to do with Maximus letting me know that The Englishman was going to be coming for the weekend and that he would be busy with him and starting on a huge yard project and therefore probably would not hear from Him a lot, and He didn’t want me to read anything more into it than what it was. i shared that with her because it could be a stressor, but that i have been working on not letting space between communication throw me. Next, she wanted me to commend myself on something, give praise to myself. i shared with her the conversation about how i was feeling when Maximus continued to say, “You can’t do this again,” and how i was proud of myself for doing that and the manner in which i did it. i also praised myself for allowing myself to start to not fear my emotions. Finally, Fern asked me to set my intention for this session, which was simply to get started on the healing process with her.

For the rest of the session, Fern had questions about my relationship with OneGuy, how that started, how i felt in that relationship, etc. i shared about how we met and what was going on in my life with my father’s illness and how i imprinted upon OneGuy and his family, seeing it for something i was losing in my life and not the reality of what it was. As we talked about that and my great relationship with my father and family, my personal drive to succeed and fear of failure, Fern asked me to start naming the players of my self-talk. It was a little difficult for me at first, but i came up with three during the session: Wisdom, History, and Rescuer.

Wisdom. Wisdom is the one who is logical. This player picks up on things going on and looks at them concretely, for what they are. Wisdom doesn’t over-analyze, takes things for what they are. Wisdom looked at my relationships and said, “things aren’t safe, you need to go.” Wisdom looked at me and said, “you are broken and have lost your soul, you need to repair yourself.”

History. History is the one who analyzes and compares the current situation with the past. This player evaluates EVERYTHING and has a mind like a steel trap–nothing escapes History, no word, no nuance, no body movement, NOTHING. History believes there are signs everywhere and looks for patterns, proof of situations repeating themselves. When History hears hoof beats, History assumes there is a horse coming, never a zebra. History is very loud and persuasive.

Rescuer. Rescuer is the one who loves to help people, who is can see others’ issues extremely clearly and also see the root causes and resolutions for them. This player LOVES to be helpful, wields a sword to defend friends and family and strangers. Rescuer is very drawn to people who need help, volunteers to help people before they ask for it.

Fern asked me to speak to her as if i was each of these players individually introducing themselves to her. This was hard for me to do. i did better just talking about them and what they would say. She also wanted me to talk as if each player did not know the others, but for me, they are three friends who get each other in trouble a lot–and, as Fern noted, with the best intentions when they do, it’s not malicious. History is really loud and convincing, usually pushing Wisdom out of the way when Wisdom is quietly saying, “well wait a minute, there’s no proof that is happening this time in this situation…” History means well, does this to protect me from things that hurt in the past. The Rescuer is less of a player now than it was years ago, because Rescuer got me into situations that got me drained, hurt, and taken advantage of, so History and Wisdom won’t allow Rescuer much leeway anymore. Moreover, Rescuer can see very clearly into external situations, but cannot see internally well at all. Rescuer has the ability to make great recommendations to Wisdom and History on how to self-rescue, but Wisdom and History have repressed Rescuer.

Fern has recognized that i am introverted, that is, my source of power is internal. This doesn’t mean that i’m antisocial, quiet, shy, it means that i get recharged by alone time and drained by large groups. It doesn’t mean that i don’t like parties and group situations, it means that after i am in those situation, i take me-time to recharge. Fern wants me to use this time to meditate, empower the strengths of these three players we’ve identified so far. my concern, however, and i shared this with her, is that more often than not, alone time opens up self-talk and overanalyzing that i’ve not been able to squelch. i need to learn how to have the recharge time without the spinning.

So out of this discussion came my assignment for the week. My assignment was to come up with a mantra that i could use to help me stop the spinning, something i could repeat during mediation if I was overanalyzing or feeling triggered. She gave an example of what she uses, something a colleague shared with her, “Life is meaningless.” This phrase does not mean life is hopeless, it is meant to say, lots of things happen that don’t mean anything, there is no reason for something happening other than, it is, and not to analyze it to ascribe meaning more than that.

i want my own mantra. As i drove away after our session, i started to think about this assignment and go through other mantras and phrases i’ve heard. Maximus’ is, “Life is good,” and while a wonderful one, it’s His, not mine. “Life is meaningless” is Fern’s and, well, i actually have a problem with that one as it just seems too encompassing and risky. Then it came to me, and i’ve been rolling it around the past 24 hours, researching it a bit, and have decided to adopt it: “It’s No Thing.” Now, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing–it is something, a concrete thing, a word, a phrase, a nuance, a situation, but it’s not a thing to analyze, it’s just a thing! But also, nothing to analyze.

i’m very happy with this mantra. And interestingly enough, when i did a web search of “It’s No Thing,” i discovered a blog of the Devotees of  guru, Nithyananda Swami, and a particular post, The Biology of Enlightenment, about meditation:

Let’s look inside for just a brief minute….

How long can you keep the mind completelly [sic] silent?

If you try to stop thinking it just starts right back up again.

Words, verbalizations, thoughts, thinking and emotionalism are completely automatic.

You can’t stop it by controlling it, but you can (eventually) stop it by non-judgementally watching it.

The brain works completely by it self.

It has nothing to do with “you” doing it.

This means that you are not the doer of deeds nor the thinker of thoughts.

The mind/body is an “it”, not a “me”.

The brain’s thoughts and body’s reactions are just the result of cells doing work.

We are not the physical body/mind and its senses.

We are not the mind and it’s automatic rambling thoughts.

We are the still, conceptless, silent Awareness that is aware of them.

We are the Awareness that is watching the body/mind’s automatic functioning.

We are the Silent Formless Observer.

We are the Life/Consciousness/Awareness that is simply aware of Itself as existing.

We have mistakenly identified ourselves as being the physical mind/body.

It was an erroneous belief all along.

The real “you”, the Silent Aware Mind, is not confined to a brain, or anything else.

It’s infinitely Everything beyond physicality.

It’s the formless Allness of Existence.

It’s No-Thing, yet Infinitely Everything.

But thinking about that won’t help you realize and experience that.

Only meditation can help us get there.

How amazing is that?

i do believe in the the law of attraction, that we attract people, experiences, by negative or positive thought. These past ten days proves it to me yet again, that i have been attracting the things i need, as by fate, Fern, with her supporting history, my mantra for meditation, developed in my mind for me, aligning with a spiritual guru’s guide for meditation. i feel i am traveling in the right direction, attracting the things i need and will support me in my healing. This is not a negative path, this is a positive one, one of growth out of my past experiences.

And really, Life is Good! It has been, i’ve just let my past cloud it.

No more. It was just a thing, my past, and It’s No Thing. This love, this connection, this life with Maximus…It’s a Real Thing, a Lasting Thing, a Great Thing.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling, law of attraction, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

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