honesty

Forgiveness

Posted on July 29, 2013 by gabriella

Maximus and i were finally back together this morning. We took some time to dialogue two things that we needed to go over to finish the resolution of our conflict. The two things regarded eliminating absolutes and Ms. W.

Eliminating absolutes revolved around how my discovery that Maximus had lied and concealed His communications and meetings with Ms. W during the last two months while i worked on my rage set up a perfect storm of three major rage triggers that overwhelmed my ability to control my rage about it. The triggers were being lied to by my partner, having my partner conceal important issues from me, and abandonment. What do these have to do with absolutes? Well Maximus had told me from the beginning of, well actually before, our relationship that if He ever lied to His partner, the relationship would be over–this was how He described how important honesty and trust was to Him in a relationship. So when He admitted that He had lied to me, these triggers, especially the fear of abandonment, were just too much for me–i was simultaneously hurt, scared, terrified, and overwhelmed by my belief that He was now done with our relationship and i didn’t understand why. i had nothing to lose, He was going to leave me, and i raged–the worst rage ever. i acknowledged that He had made a choice to leave me and told Him to go, and then begged Him not to leave me, back and forth and back and forth. So in our dialogue today, we agreed that absolutes like that set us up for failure as they do not allow us to work on issues in our relationship that lead us to feel insecure, unsafe, and risk or lead to changes in our behavior that aren’t congruent with our morals. If y/You do _________, i/I will _________ doesn’t let us be human and recover from mistakes, and we ARE human and WILL make mistakes. Moreover, i really feel that i have made great headway against my raging, and had i not been confronted by this perfect storm of triggers, i don’t think i would have raged again.

In our talk about Ms. W. i shared with Maximus something that Fern had said to me at my last counseling session, something that i did not understand at the time but became clear yesterday after He and i had dialogued over the phone. Fern told me that Ms. W was a symbol for something. i didn’t agree with her, replying that no, Ms. W was a person, not a symbol. However, after doing some reflection about our phone dialogue yesterday, i realized that Ms. W WAS a symbol, a symbol of my fear of losing the emotional intimacy in our emotionally monogamous relationship. i had a belief that Maximus and Ms. W shared emotional intimacy, but that just isn’t the case, it isn’t fact. Ms. W may desire emotional intimacy with Him, but He has not, does not, doesn’t engage in that with her. The fact that Maximus had lied and concealed the continued contact with Ms. W reinforced my belief that not only did i think they were emotionally intimate, but were having an emotional affair; but when looked at factually, He had not had time to meet with Ms. W yet to go over with her the changes He was going to make in their relationship.

The significance of these two dialogues had to do with trust for both of us. First, a request for Maximus to trust in me that i am able to control my rage, that this was an isolated event due to extraordinary compounding of triggers for me. Second, my promise to trust in Maximus that He is not emotionally intimate with anyone other than me, that we are indeed emotionally monogamous.

At the end, i asked Maximus to forgive me for my mistrust and for my rage, and He forgave me. Maximus then asked me to forgive Him for lying to me and concealing the contact with Ms. W, and i forgave Him. Honestly, before yesterday afternoon, i did not even think forgiveness was going to be possible for weeks for me. In fact, prior to yesterday’s dialogue, my agenda for today’s discussion was going to be about confronting Maximus about the emotional affair He was having with Ms. W. i am so very thankful, again, for the courage Maximus had to initiate the dialogue yesterday that opened up my eyes, mind, and heart and allowed me to understand.

i am extremely hopeful that this, indeed, is the end of this chapter for us. This past week has been full of brutal truth. And as Gloria Steinem said,

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

Ending a chapter on brutal truth is so much better, in the long run, than ending a chapter on concealed truth. Even though it was painful, it got everything out on the table, in the open, for us both to see and deal with. It gives us a true clean slate to move on.

While this blog is my submissive journal and the main purpose is as an outlet for me to process my feelings and document how we develop in our D/s relationship, i do realize that it is public and we have had followers who came to it interested in the BDSM, D/s aspect, not relationship drama. So to those readers, if you are still with me after this two month period of drama, thank you for sticking with us, and we will be getting back to our regularly scheduled program! That being said, however, i do think that it is important for me to share the reality of developing a D/s relationship, in that it involves real people, with real emotions and real lives, and all the baggage that comes with that. D/s requires enormous trust and a grain of sand can cause enough irritation to hobble. Perhaps our story may help another couple dealing with their grain of sand whatever it may be, to help them seek counseling and learn to really communicate, really listen, and make it through the other side. And to not give up on each other.

Text from Maximus: Hey, I got a message from your ass saying it needed a butt plug. Just wanted to alert you…

Text reply from gabriella: KK. i’ll check in with my ass…my ass says “ahhhh, thank you Sir for informing g what i needed!”

Looks like we’re back!

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, forgiveness, honesty, Imago, relationship, relationship needs, trust | 1 Comment

Can Trust be Restored?

Posted on July 24, 2013 by gabriella

They say that broken bones heal to be stronger than they were before. While that’s not necessarily true, bones are temporarily stronger at fracture sites during the healing process, as calcium is being deposited, they do eventually return to a state of being equally as strong as they were. Trust is not a bone, but can it heal like one? Can trust heal as strong as it was before it was broken?

This has been my question, my dilemma. i’m not new to broken trust in a relationship, it’s why i’ve been going through counseling with Maximus, to learn to be trusting. The problem for me is that in my past relationship there were so many betrayals that the only way for me to heal was to remove myself from the relationship–the relationship was just too fractured to heal and had to be amputated. Is that the case now? i’ve been stuck trying to figure out, What should i do?

As i’ve done with questions about BDSM and rage, i’ve started reading about restoring trust. i have begun my research with Mira Kirshenbaum’s I Love You But I Don’t Trust You and i’m finding it quite helpful.

The first important thing i’ve learned from Kirshenbaum’s book is that the mere fact that i am questioning the impulse to flee, to run, to leave the relationship is a sign that it has cause for working on to repair and restore trust. She gives six signs to look for when deciding whether to stay or leave.

1. Would you want this relationship if the trust could be restored?

Looking past the blind rage, remember the past month, the past year before you knew of the betrayal…would you want that relationship? Were you happy enough or were you looking to move on even then before the betrayal?

i was happy right before learning that Maximus had been continuing His relationship with Ms. W. We’d just been to a counseling session with Fern where i shared that i felt the most connected, happiest that i have felt, free of static of mistrust. We had been communicating, understood our love languages. This is why learning of the betrayal was such a shock to me–it had been pure bliss since His epiphany, now shattered.

i want that relationship, the relationship where we communicate, pay attention to each others needs.

2. Does the fact that this betrayal happened ruin everything for you?

Kirshenbaum gives caution here. She shares that while the anger that makes you not want to have anything to do with the other person can last months, that kind of anger eventually subsides, and mostly evaporates with healing. If the betrayal has completely caused you to “re-vision” your partner into something hateful and awful, you can’t stay, but if not, if it’s not clear, then give healing a chance.

i don’t feel like this has changed my vision of Maximus into that of a monster. i am, certainly, extremely disappointed in His decision and it has ruined the feeling of bliss and trust i had finally achieved with Him, but it hasn’t ruined everything. And this is a big realization for me–that it hasn’t ruined everything, just the recent feelings i’d gained.

3. Can I imagine the possibility of forgiveness?

The amount of anger you feel now is not predictive of whether or not you can forgive one day. Forgiveness comes from a realization or understanding that we can decide to let this go; perhaps better understanding their motives, what they were dealing with, or appreciating their limitations. Is your lack of forgiveness destroying your own peace of mind and happiness?

Yesterday, i came to the realization that Maximus had come to a crossroad when i’d last raged two months ago. He had to choose how to proceed with Ms. W while i and we were going through counseling to deal with my rage and mistrust. When i wrote my blog about it, i shared that i was disappointed in the lack of integrity He showed in choosing the easy wrong. Later i was reflecting on what Maximus had said when admitting that He had lied about the continued relationship with Ms. W and concealing it from me, and that was He believed that if i knew He still had a relationship with Ms. W it would slow down my recovery and prolong the process. This was true, it would have. But that still didn’t make sense to me why He would intentionally make a decision that would cause me such pain and hurt, until i recalled how Maximus kept insisting that this was the past not the present. This statement infuriated me, because i took that as Maximus knowing about the continued relationship and lying about it for two months and therefore it was in His past, but it was in my present. However, after thinking about this, i believe that Maximus was not communicating well. i have come to the realization that what He was trying to tell me was that He had made this decision to continue His relationship with Ms. W under the influence of His feelings of guilt about the breakup of her marriage, which was His past belief that influenced His decisions about her. He was not able to make a decision to distance Himself from Ms. W at that point, as He felt enormous guilt, and therefore, knowing it would hurt me if i knew, decided to conceal the relationship. It was wrong, it probably would not have been the decision He would have made now after discovering the fallacy of His belief of guilt versus the reality in fact.

That being said, i am still extremely hurt by the decision. And there was communication with Ms. W the day after His epiphany, much of which was deleted. But i do understand His intention, even though the execution was poorly chosen. i don’t believe He was malevolent in this decision, and that will help me to someday forgive Him, when i’ve had a chance to heal, to get rid of this anger and hurt and toxin.

4. Does the person you mistrust care about how you feel?

Has the other person gone out of their way to show their caring? If not, rebuilding trust is impossible. “With caring, anything is possible.”

i have to say that Maximus has shown care and concern about how i feel. The most important thing He has done was to give meeting with Fern the utmost priority when He had an enormous amount of work to do the day before going offline for the rest of the week on vacation. He could have easily refused, but He did not. In addition, He kept in contact with me during His travels until He was out of cell phone range, despite me continuing to be upset with Him, and did so in a positive and upbeat manner. He could have well chosen otherwise.

5. Can the other person work on your relationship with you?

You’ve got to talk, share information about things that are difficult to say and difficult to hear, and do it without destroying each other. Neither of you can tell the other person to go figure it out on their own and come back to see if it works. You have to listen when you need to be heard and make yourself be heard when you don’t want to talk anymore. Don’t attack, don’t blame, don’t call each other names when that’s really all you want to do–it will make you feel better in the short term, but destroy any feeling of safety, the safety the other person needs in order to talk.

i do feel Maximus is willing to work on our relationship. He has been willing to work on our relationship when i have been dealing with my raging. He’s going to counseling with me, He’s read and discussed books, He’s listened to me, He’s shared His feelings and experiences when it was difficult. We have a framework, Imago.

6. What do you have to lose by giving your relationship a chance?

What’s the worst that will happen if you try? If you try and find out that this person can’t or won’t change, then you know for sure, no regrets later for not trying. But it could also work out, if you go through the process correctly, if they want to earn your trust, it will work out, and you’ll be glad that you did not give up on it. Right now, you don’t need anything more than just a wisp of a feeling that there is even just a chance things can be salvaged. All you need now is the thought that it’s worth attempting.

i do believe it is worth trying. i’m not ready to give up on us, we are worth trying to salvage.

Kirshenbaum believes that broken trust is not like a house on fire, where what’s burned is burned; she believes it is like a broken bone, that what’s broken can heal.

Broken bones heal all the time. Yes, it’s painful. And yes, it can feel like it’s taking forever. But it doesn’t take forever at all.

She also shares that when we discover that our partner has done something bad, we believe it reveals their true character, when, in fact, all we’ve discovered is one truth about them, that they did this bad thing. You can’t let this one thing make us blind to all the good things they do, just as we ourselves are capable of doing stupid, weak, ignorant, selfish things as well. Let the other person have the chance surprise you with their good qualities, just as they’ve surprised you with their bad one.

i will be continuing to discuss what i’m learning from I Love You But I Don’t Trust You in the next blogs. The next posts will discuss the process of restoring trust.

Categories: anger, conflict, counseling, honesty, trust | Leave a comment

Maximus’ Epiphany

Posted on July 13, 2013 by gabriella

This is a very important post, a culmination of all the hard heart work Maximus and i have been doing these past couple of months.

Maximus had an epiphany, an “Aha Moment” yesterday.

Maximus had His first one-on-one appointment with Fern via Skype yesterday, but it wasn’t where He had the epiphany. After His appointment, He texted that it had gone very well and that He wanted to share with me. Due to our schedules, it took several hours before we had a chance to go over it.

Maximus had done a lot of work prior to the appointment to put together timelines and notes so He could explain to Fern His relationship history and the timeline of Ms. W within it. Much of the appointment, He shared, was Him going over this history. When He finished, Fern asked Him to share with her His feelings of these events rather than the timeline. At first, Maximus said He was kind of taken aback by this and had difficulty describing His emotions about His history. They spent quite a bit of time discussing the emotions He felt about JB and the breakup of their marriage, but nothing about Ms. W. After this discussion, Fern mentioned to Maximus that it seemed to her that i had not shared a lot of the details about this relationship with her and felt that perhaps Maximus had only shared the timeline of events rather than His feelings about the breakup with JB. She asked Maximus to consider sharing His feelings about the loss of His second marriage with me.

While Maximus was explaining His session and Fern’s request to me, i thought to myself, “Wow, how off-base was this session?” How have they so missed the mark?” And actually, i was kinda ticked off by this session because i truly understand the breakup of Maximus and JB, know every detail and emotion because Maximus HAS explained this very thoroughly with me. i have NO ISSUE at all with JB or Maximus’ emotions from the breakup or about her now. And i realized that the only time i had shared Maximus’ history with Fern was at my first session, which was a huge amount of me talking trying to get all of His and my relationship histories communicated to her. The rest of the sessions have focused on my rage response and unfinished emotional business from my previous marriages.

So i shared with Maximus, who wanted to go over His emotions about JB at this time, “i have no issue about JB and i have, what i think is, a thorough understanding of your emotions and feelings about the breakup of your relationship with her. The big issue is that i have no understanding whatsoever of your emotions and feelings toward Ms. W. And i’ve been asking for that for months. In fact, when i have asked you to explain your feelings toward her, you answer ‘I have no feelings about her. She’s taught me about birds, we’ve gone for hikes, but i have no feelings about her,’ and that has been extremely frustrating to me. Of course you have feelings about her, we all have feelings about everyone we encounter in our lives. You have feelings about The Englishman, You have feelings about SwimmerGuy. i feel that by telling me You have no feelings about Ms. W that you are evading the question and i feel frustrated and hurt by that.”

Maximus pondered this and then agreed, by way of an analogy about feelings about olives, that yes, we do have feelings and emotions about all people and things we encounter, emotional responses. And He realized that it was true, He had not answered my question about His feelings about Ms. W. And that He never understood why i kept asking the same question over and over as He thought He had answered it, but now realized that He never had. “I’ve been thinking you’ve been bat shit crazy asking me that over and over, and now I see why you’ve kept asking.”

So Maximus started in on His feelings about Ms. W. “I feel pain, anger, and guilt. And i feel support and friendship…” And then He continued on talking, and i needed to have Him explain these feelings as they were so radically spread out across the board from negative to positive feelings and i didn’t understand. Why does He feel anger and pain about her? So i stopped Him and asked Him to explain each feeling in detail as i needed to understand.

Maximus explained that He felt pain, anger, and guilt about Ms. W over the breakup of His marriage with JB. Pain, because He was deeply hurt by the breakup and angry about it. And He, “in the past,” felt an enourmous amount of guilt for introducing He and JB to Ms. W and Covert Ops, which led to the breakup of their marriage. “But I’ve worked through that, with the help of counselling, talking to Ms. W, The Englishman, and you, and that helped Me understand that I am not guilty and should not feel guilt about that. I don’t feel guilt anymore.”

“So what about support and friendship, then?” i inquired, “Explain that to me.” He responded that Ms. W and He had a common experience and shared information and supported each other during the divorce process. “I got a lot of support from her from the breakup until the spring, when you appeared in My life and grew to be more of my support than she was.”

“Ok,” i continued, “that’s all your feelings in the past. You’ve explained the pain, anger, and guilt you felt in the past at the time of the breakup, the support during the divorce process, but that doesn’t tell me how you feel about her NOW. How do you feel NOW?” Maximus went on to explain that He feels friendship, friendship of someone who has had a common experience, but that He does not and has never felt a connection with her, and has never felt love for her. “If I met her at a party and we started talking I would be bored. If she said, ‘Hey, we should get together and meet for coffee or drinks sometime’ and gave me her phone number, which she would never do, I would thank her for her number and say, ‘Sure, that’d be fun,’ but I’d never call her. I just don’t have a connection with her and never have.” He continued, “I have always struggled about not having an connection with Ms. W. I kept telling JB that I just didn’t feel any connection and she told me I needed to figure it out and ‘Don’t screw this up,’ so I just sucked it up for JB. And, as I’ve told you before, the sex is pedestrian, vanilla, boring.”

“So,” i replied, “would it be accurate, based upon what i am hearing you say, to say that You were taking one for the team with Ms. W?” Maximus exclaimed, “Yes!!! That’s exactly what it was!” And here is where i have my struggle and always have had. “So here is were i am completely confused in that, to me, Your words do not match Your behavior.” i continued, “You are no longer with JB….there is no team for You to take one for, yet You still have sex with Ms. W, which You describe as pedestrian and say You don’t enjoy; and you continue to do things with her, someone you don’t connect with. You don’t have repeat sexual encounters with anyone else that You’ve not enjoyed having sex with–only Ms. W. In fact, You did not enjoy sex with little e and have turned down play dates with her and Big E because of it. So to me, there has to be a reason, that You’re not telling me, some feeling, that makes You continue to engage in sexual activity that You have said over and over and over that You do not enjoy! Moreover, You tell me that there is no connection with her personality as well, that if You met her socially now, there would be no draw to her. This is the crux of my confusion, it makes no sense to me and makes me feel like You’re not being completely forthright about Your feelings about her. There has to be something that’s driving this, some feeling. What is this?”

Maximus replied, “you’re making me feel defensive about this.” And i responded, “Well, it’s not my intention to make You feel defensive, i’m just communicating how the incongruency of Your words and behavior make me feel. i’m sorry that it makes You feel defensive.” He then answered, “Well she calls me up and wants to fuck and she hasn’t got anyone else to fuck, so I do it. I don’t abandon people, you know that.” i replied, “That’s not Your responsibility. You don’t have to fuck her because she has no one else to fuck, that she’s not found anyone else to fuck. And she never will find anyone else to fuck as long as You continue to give her the impression that this is something you want and enjoy. You’re leading her on and it’s really inconsiderate, actually. She will never move on as long as this continues. Furthermore, i think You are doing this out of guilt, that while You say over and over that You no longer feel guilty, You are having sex with her to make up for the fact that You feel responsible, because of swinging, for the breakup of her marriage and You somehow owe it to her to make it up through sex. And as long as you continue to do this, she won’t be able to move on, You won’t be able to move on, and we won’t be able to move on. You aren’t abandoning her, You are allowing the friendship to take its natural course, honestly. Not having sex with her is not abandoning her.”

The phone was quiet for a moment and then Maximus said, “Oh My God, this is a break through. I’ve not considered this and I think you’re right. I’ve been saying over and over that I don’t feel guilty but my actions are saying it different. I am enabling her by doing this and that’s just wrong! I don’t enjoy sex with her, I don’t seek it out, but I am having sex, which I don’t enjoy, because she asks for it and I feel guilty. Oh My God. Here I’ve been thinking all along, why doesn’t gabriella get it, that i don’t have a connection with Ms. W, and now I get why you just haven’t gotten it. you must have been thinking, i love Him, i trust Him, but i just don’t get this, why is He acting this way?”

And i responded that i had been trying to explain this for months. i’d ask Him to explain His feelings for Ms. W, get an evasive answer that He didn’t have feelings for her, try to explain my confusion, and getting nowhere, would eventually get so frustrated that i’d rage at Him. i just felt so frustrated and couldn’t articulate in a way that He understood. i got to feeling that He was avoiding answering or not being truthful about His true feelings for Ms. W and reverted back to the feelings I had during my relationship with OneGuy and his dishonesty and took it all out on Him. i’d try to be calm, but frustration took over and i exploded. That is why i raged every time we started talking about Ms. W. As he continued to insist that there was no connection with Ms. W, sexually or otherwise, it gave me an impression that His relationship was unconditional, that she could do no wrong and that there was a connection deeper than ours.

i also shared another thing that i had discovered about myself, and it wasn’t until i read The 5 Love Languages book that i realized this. Maximus, as a way of making up for His guilt in breaking up Ms. W’s marriage, would sneak food and money into Ms. W’s car and purse when she visited, as she had been forced out of her home by Covert Ops and JB and lived in a one room cabin with very little income. He felt responsible for that. He would also collect old magazines for her so she’d have something to read as she did not have internet or cable. i have felt jealous about his, especially the magazines, and it really bothered me that Him giving Ms. W old magazines made me feel jealous. Now i understand, though, that i was reacting to the feeling that those little gifts were gifts of love, as i was viewing them through the lens of my primary love language, when they were really gifts of enormous guilt. “Yes!” Maximus replied, “I was trying to repay her for the huge financial loss she had encumbered due to my breakup of their marriage! In fact, if she had asked for money, I would have gladly given it to her.”

We then reflected on what we had accomplished with this dialogue and how important it was. And we discussed the logistics of how Maximus was going to proceed with His friendship with Ms. W. “I can’t keep having sex with her, it’s just wrong to do that.” i shared that one of the reasons why it was so difficult for me to understand how Maximus could continue to have unenjoyable sex with Ms. W was because of a great non-sexual relationship i have with a couple i used to swing with, Crash and Double D. i had tried four separate times to have an enjoyable sexual encounter with him, and finally had to let them know that we weren’t going to be able to continue a sexual relationship together. We are wonderful friends, i’ve never had more devoted friends and their friendship means the world to me.

Maximus has asked for guidance from me on how to have the conversation with Ms. W about not continuing a sexual relationship with her. He is concerned that He will lose her friendship. And i shared with Him that honestly, He has no control over how she will respond to this, but He has to be true to Himself and her. That is what He owes her. i promised to work on writing down what i had said to Crash so Maximus has some ideas on what to say. In addition, Maximus will wait until she contacts Him again for another sexual encounter to have this discussion, in person, in private, not seek her out to tell her. They can remain friends, do things together, visit. We have both agreed that she can stay at His house, but not in the same bed together, as that would be midleading (Maximus’ words), and while she does do a good blow job, there can be no sexual contact, again, as it would cause confusion and hurt. And i trust Him in this. These were His plans and His decisions and i support Him in them.

i cannot entirely explain the relief from hurt i had from this dialogue. i have been carrying this confusion and pain of not understanding and not being able to articulate to Maximus in a way He could understand for months, since September, ten months, actually. It was like a sliver, something small that when brushed, even ever so slightly, caused pain and irritation and i just couldn’t dig it out to make it stop. Yesterday removed that splinter.

Maximus asked me to write this blog before His next session with Fern on Monday. i was absolutely emotionally spent after we were done and wasn’t sure i could write this, but today, i felt renewed. In fact, at the end of the conversation, Maximus said, while spent, He felt like an 11; i replied that if it wasn’t for being exhausted and having a headache, i’d be a 23. This blog is my act of service for Maximus, as i know that He really wanted a accounting of what happened, what was said, so He could refer to it as notes when recounting it to Fern. It was a pivotal dialogue.

Once He has His next session with Fern alone and we have our joint session this week, we really do think we will be done with this chapter. It has been a difficult one, a hard story, but one with many lessons. And i believe we are all the better for having gone through this. There is a reason we stayed with this, stayed with each other. It would have been easy to have just split, written us off as an incompatible relationship, me as some bat shit crazy chick and He as some philandering liar, and look back upon it as a failed relationship that ended in bad feelings. But it is always better to go with the difficult right than the easy wrong. We are stronger and closer because of it.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, honesty, relationship | Leave a comment

A Breakthrough

Posted on June 3, 2013 by gabriella

Yesterday Maximus and i worked on our couples questionnaire for Fern. i had already filled out my answers and forwarded the questionnaire for Him to finish, but Maximus requested that we go over His answers over the phone and have me type them out as writing is my strength and speaking is His forte. i thought this was an excellent idea as i was pretty sure the intention of this questionnaire was that the couple complete it together.

This was an amazing process for us! We had breakthroughs when we did this and i wonder how much of the questionnaire was for Fern and how much of it was to get us to talk about things. i’m going to include the questions and our answers here and then talk about the breakthroughs.

Describe your previous individual or couples counseling experience if you have had any.

We have not had any previous couples counseling together.

gabriella had couples counseling, primarily solo, toward the end of her second marriage, as her spouse was not interested in going to counselling. He went begrudgingly twice, once with each one of the two counselors she met with, trying to find someone he would feel comfortable with. The second counselor advised me, after a few sessions and after meeting with my spouse, that i needed to consider whether this was a marriage worth continuing. i ended my counseling relationship with him then and then, eventually, the marriage.

Maximus was in individual counselling 3 times a week for three years, 1998-2002, at the end of His first marriage and after their divorce. He went to four times with first wife, but it was of no use, as the marriage was too far gone at that point. In 2003-2004, He was in couples counseling with second wife prior to their marriage. His last experience in counselling was 2011-2012 where He was in individual therapy related to the separation and divorce from His second wife.

What would you most like to get out of our work together?

gabriella would like to stop raging. she would like to restore her ability to trust in a relationship and believe that Maximus has chosen to be with her, and not question that.

Maximus would like gabriella to realize that there is a commitment in the phrase He presented to her, GOT (Growing Old Together). He would like for her to deal with her rage and jealousy issues so that we can get back on the same life path that we were previously on together.

Attraction Phase: Describe falling in love with your partner. What were the traits they possessed that made you decide to connect with them.

gabriella never intended to be in a Relationship again and really didn’t think she would be in love with someone again. Maximus and i had known each other for several years, had been friends in the swinging lifestyle, having met each other with our respective spouses in that arena and played together (although our spouses did not like each other at all!!). Maximus and i got together after both of us had our divorces, not to start a Relationship, but to reconnect as friends, enjoy sex with each other, and divorce support. We both really understood what it was like to be twice divorced and during conversations, discovered that we had both come to the place where we just wanted to embrace our Ethical Slut, enjoying that lifestyle, enjoying friends, cultivating fun relationships, realizing that marriage just wasn’t our thing.

We also share a common passion for endurance sports, Maximus being involved in that for most of his life, gabriella more recently. Maximus was very supportive of me.

The traits i love about Maximus that made me fall in love with Him, despite my belief that i was not ever going to be in love or in a committed relationship again were:

Complete openness and honesty in communication. We talk for hours and hours about our pasts, about our current feelings, at a level i had never experienced with anyone before. We call this a principle of over-communication and it has been a big part of our relationship.
Common interest in non-monogamy, swinging, high sex drive, adventurous sexually
No interest in polyamory, complete agreement and understanding of emotional monogamy
Amazing fitness level, supportive of my time requirements for training
Professional, educated, intelligent
Wonderful social being who lights up the room.
Financially stable.
A neat freak like me! This was a huge issue in my second marriage.
He’s my biggest fan. i’ve never had that before.
In love with life, “Life is Good!” attitude
A desire to travel and travel together
And despite me telling Him that i was not ever going to fall in love or be in a relationship again, He had the courage to tell me He had fallen in love with me and asked me to reconsider.

Maximus: There has always been a connection with gabriella. We met through mutual friends at a swinging party. Whenever we attended parties that these friends hosted, we always looked for each other, and when we were both there, at some point, we always got together–and it was always more than just sex to Me. I was unaware of what she did for an occupation and I was also unaware that at the time, that she was 70 pounds heavier than she is now.

gabriella reached out to me in 2012 when she heard that I was separated. she reached out to me as a friend, there was no sexual intention to that contact. The relationship started as we started to get to know each other. I invited her up to My home to stay during an athletic event she was participating in, as two friends; that’s when I learned about her occupation, her leadership, all these things, that she’d lost all this weight, and she was into triathlons and working out. There was a shared view of work, in other words, we are both leaders, and we had a lot of discussions about this. her business philosophy was very impressive, and she had the extra barrier of doing that in a male-dominated field. Because I have three girls, I have always championed women breaking glass ceilings.

The sexuality was spectacular. her experiences were right aligned to Mine. I was looking for a partner in this area.

I learned, after the race, her intelligence, how smart she was, and more about her. I didn’t really know a lot about her until then. I thought, she’s cool, athletic, professional, sexy as hell, and she’s been married twice, no intentions of being married again–finally I find someone who was a kindred spirit to where I am now. I cannot think of a time that I didn’t enjoy her company.

In Las Vegas, September 2012, I verbalized what had been occurring in my heart. I was being transparent and honest. We had talked enough that I thought she would understand. I don’t think I knew her as well then, but I wouldn’t change a thing. Because it’s real. A little later, I came up with GOT and that was it.

I just love gabriella and love being around her. We have so many things. It’s hard for Me not to get a little pissed off about what’s happened. We shouldn’t be having this conversation because I just love her so much and am totally committed to her.

I never thought I would fall in love again. I wasn’t opposed to it. I love the concept of having an emotional relationship. I feared I was toxic to people. Falling in love with gabriella was a wonderful thing that’s happened, the sexuality is extremely powerful, but you can’t fuck 24 hours a day, there has to be a connection with someone. Conversations are just natural and wonderful. I have no jealousy.

I enjoy talking about her. I enjoy sharing about her.

I don’t have to entertain her. she is self-reliant, self-confident, doesn’t need me to find things for her to do—this was a problem in my second marriage.

Power Struggle: (Things changed when…)

For gabriella, things changed when we went from Friends with Benefits to a committed relationship. i told Maximus i was terrified when He shared that He had fallen in love with me and wanted to have a committed relationship together, because i realized i hadn’t done any work to prepare for having a Relationship, only had worked on restoring my ego or self. But, i realized i was in love with Maximus, He was in love with me, and i thought that would conquer all. i believed, at the time, that these wonderful traits of Maximus, the fact that He was in love with me and my biggest fan, would automatically make me feel secure and trusting. i truly believed that.

i had not felt insecure about any of the other women Maximus had been with, including Ms. W, when we were FWB (friends with benefits)—not even an inkling. It wasn’t until we were in a committed relationship that i began to question His relationship with Ms. W, and particularly her, not any other women He was with sexually or socially. She has been my focus of insecurity and jealousy.

Maximus says…with the rage. There are four particular cases.

What do you imagine it is like being in an intimate relationship with you?

For gabriella, i think it’s difficult to be in an intimate relationship with me. i am impatient, headstrong, over-analytical, require a lot of communication. i think a large part of my desire to never be in another relationship was my fear of being lied to and taken advantage of. On the good side, i am 1000% committed to the person i’m with, give them a huge amount of attention, pay attention to their interests, desires, needs, wants, take time to find special things and gifts from my heart, things that often surprise them due to their specificity to them, and am their biggest fan in the world. i will defend them to the end of the world, am their champion. And i am enormously passionate, of them and sexually.

For Maximus, you have someone who will love you unconditionally, will accept you, will hold you when you cry. I will spoil the shit out of you, money is meaningless, if I want to get something I will and if it’s directed to you, so be it. A relationship with me is also a relationship with my profession and my kids and swimming (working out). At times, that 4 legged stool is balanced, and other times it is not. There is competition for my time. I try to balance that.

What are the strengths of this relationship?

Despite some very ugly and hurtful episodes of raging from gabriella, Maximus is still here. i think that is amazing and truly says everything about His commitment to this relationship.

We are communicators, about EVERYTHING.

We are on the same page sexually, desire the same things in our relationship and in our sexual relationship.

We both have a desire to be in counseling. We actually talked about doing this four months ago, before things got to this point, and weren’t able to due to things going on in our lives.

Maximus says,

Communication

The only thing is, at times, communication can be two sided sword. I always want to be transparent. When I tell her, she gets jealous, or she misinterprets. Should I not communicate and we not have a problem? I don’t want to do that, don’t want to withhold anything.

Is there anything else that would be important for me to know about you and/or your relationship, past experiences or your current challenges so I can be of most help to you? (Use the back of page as needed.)

gabriella has included journal entries about this.

From Maximus,

gabriella can be very social, but her power meter goes down in that environment and she is expending personal energy. To recharge, she needs alone time for solar recharging. I am the opposite. When I’m by myself, I’m happy, but the battery is running down. Mine charges up so quickly from people.

We had a recent episode meeting another couple and I got completely energized and engrossed, fed by the social interaction, but failing to get signals and hear gabriella saying she was not connecting with them and wanted to end the meetup. she could have stabbed me in the thigh and I wouldn’t have noticed. We need to figure out a better way to communicate so I don’t repeat that. This was a raging event that I can’t blame her for.

To Me, I have the best relationship, I am proud of it. I have introduced her to the kids, and they love her. My brother’s heard nothing but great things from my kids about her. What’s not to like and love about her? I’m proud of that. I enjoy bragging about her. I love telling people about her kicking My ass, a beating, when I took her to Kona to train. I have no desire to compete with her. I enjoy time together. Few people could keep up with her. I was glad to complete the things I did. I am happy about that. I don’t have to beat her. It’s something we can do together.

I think for gabriella, there is the fat chick in this hot chick’s body that can’t believe I chose her. And she’s waiting for me to see the fat chick and leave, confirming it.

Our Breakthroughs

The breakthroughs for me were about how Maximus fell in love with me and the things that attracted Him to that. And that He felt there had always been a connection with me, even while we were still married to others and without future divorces on the horizon. It made me tear up. I was actually kind of amazed that we’d never talked in depth about this and realized how important it was. And despite everything, He is still absolutely in love with me and still my biggest fan.

For Maximus, the breakthrough came at the end of the questionnaire. When He made the comment about being fearful of over-communicating and that perhaps He should just withhold stuff as to not get Himself in trouble, i shared with Him that i need the over-communicating and that my raging was not because He had been honest and open with me, it was because i had taken that information, over-analyzed it, and distorted it into something completely different. The problem was within me, not Him–He’d done nothing wrong! Failing to communicate fully and openly would just prove my fear of things being hidden from me.

He asked why i was doing that and i explained the history of how ex-husband, OneGuy, used to hide information and when i discovered things and wanted to talk about it, he absolutely refused to do so, going to extremes by not looking at me, not acknowledging my presence, not talking to me, including not answering the phone or texts, for periods up to a week. i was constantly lied to, including lies by omission, so i had to use other means to get the truth, including body language, phone history, etc. i got very good at picking up on non-verbal cues about OneGuy’s lies.

Maximus asked when i started raging and i told Him it was after living in this environment that i started raging at OneGuy. i felt like i was being treated as a prisoner, behind bars. After time, being ignored this way, i just started to yell, scream, stomp my feet, banging things against the bars to try to get the guard’s (OneGuys) attention, just like prisoners do. i think this is human nature, and is even shown in the Zimbardo Prison Experiment in the early 70s, a psychological experiment i had even studied with fascination prior to my relationship with OneGuy. i turned into an inmate, and i’ve never dealt with that.

During this discussion i shared with Maximus that during these past two weeks, as i have recalled the raging events, the things i’ve said, i’ve come to realize that i am still raging at OneGuy. In fact, the things i have yelled and screamed about to Maximus are not even things He’s done–they are things OneGuy had done. The feelings of being taken advantage of, being trapped, ignored, lied to, used financially, are all feelings i had with OneGuy; Maximus has not done any of those things. i am screaming at Maximus for what OneGuy has done.

This last part was the big breakthrough for Maximus. He has been just devastated that He could not figure out, for the life of Him, what He had done to cause me to rage at Him–it wasn’t making any sense. All He could see was that i was bat shit crazy and coming up with things out of thin air. He couldn’t understand my rage and what He’d done wrong. It makes sense to Him now as He can see that i have been projecting my anger from my last marriage upon Him. In His gut, He had a feeling that i’d had unresolved issues from my divorce.

Maximus shared, “Today I took a huge step toward you. I feel closer to you now since our trip to Las Vegas. And I feel very good about that.” He shared that He has all the confidence in the world that i’m working on this an not going to fuck this up. This breakthrough removed a huge chunk of the toxin He’s been injected with. And i shared that it my toxin he was suffering from.

“This is what I want,” He continued. “I’m willing to take a chance.” And then He shared,

Love bears all things,

Love believes all things,

Love hopes all things,

Love endures all things.

Love never ends.

~ Corinthians 13:7-8

We are so blessed.

i could hear the improvement in Maximus’ voice, He has come back. Our phone calls ended with “I love you” again, and He’s texting and calling. We are recovering together. Patience, space, and guided communication has helped us. Maximus is my biggest fan, so incredibly committed to me and us…i cannot question His commitment. He is Maximus, not OneGuy. He loves me unconditionally. i get it. i will not fuck this up.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, honesty, openess | Leave a comment

Courage

Posted on May 28, 2013 by gabriella

A quote i read this morning:

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

i thought that was very encouraging. As Maximus noted last night, someday this will just be a blip and nothing more. It feels like a crater now, time and distance will lessen the impact on the topography and it’s good to remember that.

i just got back from my first counseling session. i am very, very pleased with the counselor (i’m going to call her Fern). i can’t even remember what web directory i found her on, i had done many, many searches for kink-friendly counselors in the Portland/Seattle area and she came up. In fact, it was because of her notation on her website that she did Skype sessions that i ever considered adding Skype-capability to my list of requirements. The amazing thing, that i learned partway through my long introduction with her, is that she is in an open relationship with her husband, that they had incredible difficulties in their marriage at one point that included her raging. They were separated for nearly a year while she and they worked on their relationship and her raging. And, they are in a D/s relationship where she is submissive. i just wanted to hug her when she shared that with me. i feel very comfortable with her.

Most of the session was me telling my story, introducing myself and Maximus. She did share how raging is actually a physiological process, not only an emotional process, in that when you first start raging, you build neuropathways in your brain; future triggers or perceived risks then fire those neuropathways involuntarily, which is why often a person who rages feels they cannot stop the rage from starting–because the body has taken over automatically. This happens even if the person is not longer in the situation or relationship where they formed the neural pathways, because they have been formed and an easier path to travel than new pathways. Additionally, the triggers are related to the fight in “fight or flight,” in that it in response to some deep survival need, such as love, belonging, respect, that the person unconsciously fears is being threatened. So, we are going to be working on reprogramming my neural pathways away from raging and delving into what survival needs i feel are threatened. She is going to be using Imago Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well.

i am very encouraged. She was encouraged by my openness and honesty in sharing my story and issues and by all the work i’ve done so far. She is also pleased that Maximus is involved and that He is willing to be involved in the counseling sessions as well, both solo and as a couple. She asked that i journal about my feelings so we can work on triggers and survival needs, and we discussed how i am already journlling and will continue to do that. I will bring bullet points of my entries rather than pages and pages like i sent her already!

i have my next appointment Friday afternoon. i’m looking forward to it.

On a side note, i saw this today and oh, if it was only that simple!!

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling, honesty, insecurities, rage, relationship needs | Tags: Imago Therapy | Leave a comment

Greetings

Posted on May 27, 2013 by gabriella

An early posting today. i’m still doing good, just had a realization about something.

i miss our Good Night and Good Morning texts the most of everything, whether spontaneous or in reply. i have always cherished them and am grieving their loss right now. i’m not angry about it, not out of control, not crying, just feeling.

i am trusting they will return as we rebuild. They are important to me, a touchstone, a connection through the miles in our distance relationship where we cannot physically kiss each other awake or asleep, a start or closing of our day together.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, honesty, missing, relationship needs, togetherness | Leave a comment

Repairing

Posted on March 16, 2013 by gabriella

Being broken is not the correct path for us.

i realized that i was spinning out of control and i needed it to stop. i had been reactionary due to too many things piling up at once…not an excuse, but something i needed to realize and address. It was like i was on one of those gimbal ring devices that they use to train astronauts in reorientation from yaw, pitch, and roll spins. my attempts at corrections threw me into spins in different directions and i desperately needed to get this under control. Under normal circumstances, without my grandmother dying, my mom needing assistance, trepidation over a difficult race after my recent illness, i would have been able to cope, or at least been able to stop and say, i don’t have the capacity to deal with this right now without becoming over-emotional. But it wasn’t a normal circumstance and i lost it.

What did i really need? What had really been the thing that upset me?

i needed to let Maximus know i felt hurt by what He told Swimmer Guy about why He needed to cancel their dinner. i needed an apology for that. i needed Maximus and i to be back together. i needed to know that i would not be a subject of a untruth again. With that, i could wait for His divorce to be finalized.

i left Maximus a voicemail and then He called me. i explained i had been spinning out of control, unable to cope and making poor decisions because of it. i apologized. And i asked for an apology, which He gave (noting that He’d already apologized countless times for His admitted mistake). He shared something that He’d not articulated before today; His bosses reaction when He called to cancel His trip to California for my grandmother’s funeral had surprised Him, in that he was very concerned that Maximus’ divorce was not final yet and that our relationship being public could hinder the process. This caused Him to rethink His plan on telling people now. i respect this and will honor that, knowing now WHY His position seemed to be so strong now, stronger than before. And we agreed to not be broken.

This is the right thing. We’ve both been affected emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to this event. We’re not eating or exercising, going manic in efforts to drown out these feelings. It had to stop. It has.

i hope to NEVER have this perfect storm ever again.

i love you, Maximus, and apologize from the bottom of my bandaged heart to your bruised one. And we are moving on, together.

And also, note, i’m trying a new platform…i think this will be better!

Categories: anger, BDSM relationship, communication, honesty, insecurities, relationship needs | Leave a comment

"A" Game, Opacity, Bat Shit Crazy

Posted on March 2, 2013 by gabriella

Something that came up during our conversation at our Valentine’s dinner after i got off the train was the amount of, or lack thereof, of separate play over the last couple of months. As fate would have it, a few days before coming up, i had three men, who i’ve played with before, contact me to get together and had made arrangements to meet after i returned from our VD weekend. i told Maximus about each one of these as they came in, so it was no surprise to Him, and He was very excited for me. It’d been at least a month since i’d had any separate play, due to illness.

This sudden in-rush of playmates started me thinking about Maximus’ play and how it has dropped off. Not only has He not been playing, i’d noticed that He’d not even been online to any of His/our swinger sites. i was concerned that my previous jealousy issue, which had been due to a misunderstanding and later dealt with, had carried over and was making Him fearful of playing separately. And it wasn’t that He’d not gotten offers, Big E had contacted Him several times to entertain little e and Maximus had declined. This was not like Maximus at all.

Maximus shared that at first, He was a little gun shy about playing separately due to the episodes surrounding Ms. W, however, that wasn’t keeping Him from separate play. He’d gotten extremely focused on work and it has been so gratifying that He’s immersed Himself in that. As for declining play with little e…He wanted to wait until i could play with Him with her and Big E. This surprised me. “It’s just so much better with you, and I want to wait to share that with you,” He said. “And I don’t feel wanting by not playing, I’m happy, I’m satisfied.”

During our last night, laying in bed, this came up again as i had received a surprise rendezvous request from a woman friend who i didn’t know was kinky (more on this in an upcoming blog post). We were discussing my incredible upcoming week of play, the amendment of the no sleeping-over rule, and the conversation naturally returned to His play. As we were talking, Maximus talked about His options, WorkoutK, LeLe, Sunflower and Mountain Man, the local swingers club, and Ms. W. He spoke about how sex with others was B Game and that, comparatively, sex with Ms. W was pedestrian. This made me wonder and i asked, “So has our journey into BDSM and ramping up our intensity changed what was once A Game sex into B Game sex?”

“That’s really interesting. I hadn’t thought about that, I’ll have to think about it,” He replied.

The next morning, while waiting for the ferry, Maximus shared that, yes, our level of intensity of play has changed what A Game sex is for Him and that it has so satisfied Him that playing separately just doesn’t hold the same attraction. “I’d rather wait for A Game sex than have B Game sex,” He explained. “I’m just so happy and I don’t feel wanting.” He continued on that looking for new playmates on the swinger sites has lost much of its appeal in that He just didn’t want to invest the time and money required to woo new dates, the meetups, dinners, trying to get together, etc., for vanilla-ish, B Game sex. What He does love, however, is having me hunt, sharing that with Him, the thrill of my stories in all their detail, my excitement in finding new playmates for us.

What a switch this is. i’m not alarmed by it anymore, like i was, because i understand what He’s saying and i trust that. It’s beyond flattering and completely unexpected. Quite a big change for the quintessential ladies-man, swinger Maximus.

During our conversation about money, Maximus received a text message. As His mother had gone ill and His brother had been texting updates on her condition, i inquired if it was an update about His mom. He said, “No, it was someone else.” This was odd, as normally Maximus is very forthcoming about His texts, and usually tells me who it was and what they said. In addition, His face and body language changed when He said it. i thought, “Oh, it must be Ms. W. and He’s uncomfortable to tell me now when she texts Him.” i decided it wasn’t important to discuss now and i’d find another time to talk about it as i didn’t want this level of awkwardness to continue, should it have been a text from her.

i brought it up during our conversation while driving home. We were reviewing our weeks again and i inquired if He was going to get together with Ms. W. for her birthday. He said He’d not heard any plans for that. i asked if she had texted Him yesterday, and He replied sheepishly, “Yes, she did, but I didn’t respond.”

i replied, “You know, it’s ok to talk about her, You don’t have to hide that she texts. i understand now what the relationship is/was. My jealousy was based upon a misconception. Give me an opportunity to show you that.” i continued that i could tell that it was a text from her due to how differently He had responded to my inquiry. “Really?” He asked.

He talked about being completely transparent. And i replied, “You know, that’s not transparent, that’s opaque.” He pondered for a moment, and replied, “You’re right, that is opaque. I thought I was being transparent and it was opaque. I get that. I won’t be opaque.”

We’re finding our level. i know He’s guarded about the subject of Ms. W because He’s cautious about hurting me, about talking about her so much to show transparency that it makes me misunderstand and feel jealous. i want to have an opportunity to show Him i’m not jealous and that i understand. Opacity makes it hard to do that, as i don’t get a clear picture of what’s going on.

Early Valentine’s Day card from Maximus

The last topic had to do with the phrase, Bat Shit Crazy and came up as we were just starting to talk about Porch Time.

Maximus has referred to my couple of emotional blowups as going Bat Shit Crazy and i know He doesn’t mean it in a derogatory way, in fact, He has made sure to point out that it is done to make light of it, but my heart sinks every time He says it. i get embarrassed. So when we started talking about porch time, he mentioned Bat Shit Crazy and again reminded me that it wasn’t derogatory–i decided i needed to be honest with Him about my emotional response to that phrase and what is makes me flash to.

My last husband talked very derogatorily about His exes, wife and girlfriends. He described the progression of their relationships as normal until they suddenly went nuts, crazy, out of control for no reason. i was always extremely sensitive to this, trying not to ever go down a path that would lead him to call me crazy. And i believed him when he said he’d done nothing to potentiate this in those relationships. However, as our relationship went on, i came to understand there WAS something very wrong with his interpersonal relationships with women, that he was emotionally abusive, a verbal hostage taker, and i began to suffer from severe anxiety and anger in response. i even had an emotional explosion after a party at our home from something demeaning he’d said and ended up losing control and requested my mom take me to the emergency room to get me calmed down. This had NEVER happened before. i sought counseling and went alone as he refused to go with me. I let him convince me i had an anger problem and had my physician put me on an antidepressant and antianxiety medications in response.

It finally became apparent to me that i had a marriage problem, not an anger problem, and freed myself from that abusive relationship. i stopped my medications immediately, despite my physician advising i stay on them to “deal with” the emotions of getting divorced. i wanted to see if my theory was true, and had no problems “dealing with” my divorce process, in fact, i never felt better in my life. i had a marriage problem that led to my anger problem.

Now, in my effort to be completely honest and transparent with Maximus and share everything, i held this back from Him. i was horribly embarrassed about this, my hospital visit, losing control in angry outbursts, counseling, and being medicated. i thought it would diminish me and that He’d not want to be with someone with this history. And then i had the emotional outburst about Ms. W and worried it was a trend in relationships. i couldn’t let Maximus think i had a problem. i wanted to see if i could handle this so He’d never find out.

When Maximus had mediation for His divorce from JB, He described that she had gone Bat Shit Crazy toward the mediator during the process. He came home and detailed the day and included that His attorney had counseled Him on future relationships. “Don’t go out and get another Bat Shit Crazy woman and make sure she makes more than $100,000 a year,” she said. “Oh my god,” i reeled inside when he presented that, “thank god i at least make the cut on income. He can never find out about my response during marriage #2.” i honestly felt He was telling me that to find out if i met the qualifications to be in a relationship with Him. i assured Him that i was not Bat Shit Crazy and thank god i met the income requirement.

But Bat Shit Crazy made me flash back to that every time, made me feel physically ill. i was so embarrassed about the emotional blowups i’d had with Him and wanted to be so far past those, mortified that i’d been medicated during my second marriage, and absolutely fearful that He would leave me should He ever find out this past and that i’d not been forthright to Him about it.

i divulged it all in the car. And you know, He was shocked. Of course He was shocked. Shocked at my past, shocked that i’d allowed myself to be medicated, shocked that i’d not felt comfortable to share this, and utterly horrified that i thought His sharing of what the attorney had said was His truth, His requirements. He meant it as a funny conclusion of that horrible day, not a personal prerequisite for our relationship.

We’ve agreed to not use Bat Shit Crazy. And i’m thankful for that. We appreciate the conflict we’ve had and i’ve proven that these were isolated incidents that occurred from being absolutely frustrated to the point of explosion. This is not our normal means of communication, we’ve shown that. We’ve learned to communicate effectively, and have avenues for discussions. While we don’t plan on Taking it to the Locker Room, we know that it is a last resort when all means of communication fails, and it doesn’t mean either of us is crazy, we are just at our wits end.

i do feel better that Maximus knows my whole truth. And, it gave Him an opportunity to show me that we are together GOT. He didn’t run.

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, honesty, swinging lifestyle, togetherness | Leave a comment

honesty

Forgiveness

Can Trust be Restored?

Maximus’ Epiphany

A Breakthrough

Courage

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Repairing

"A" Game, Opacity, Bat Shit Crazy

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