It has been an amazing summer! i have sooo much to talk about! Stay tuned for my adventures at Caliente, in Virginia, Portland, San Francisco, Folsom Street, and MORE!
It has been an amazing summer! i have sooo much to talk about! Stay tuned for my adventures at Caliente, in Virginia, Portland, San Francisco, Folsom Street, and MORE!
Maximus sent this to me the other day and asked me to determine what we had in our sex bank…
So we’ve done all of that, for total deposits of $13,400.
Now if we could only really have gotten paid for doing that…imagine what i could do with $13,400!
One of Maximus’ many favorite things to do is to make me deep throat Him or to face fuck me. He particularly loves it when i gag. The sloppier it is, the better, especially if there are strings of saliva, streams of mascara tears, and lots of spit.
Last night we had some deep throat sessions. But it was after we watched a movie with popcorn and two bottles of champagne…
…which i puked all over His cock!! So embarrassing!
He was very sweet and cleaned it and me up.
But i see some more practice cumming my way!
i’ve uploaded our Contract onto the BDSM Contract page link finally. i will keep this updated if we make amendments. Everything is there except Appendix 2, the activities list, because we need to go through it and update. Feel free to use as a base for yours, if desired.
It’s Snowmageddon/Snowpocalypse 2014 here in the Willamette Valley!
Maximus is flying to sunny, warm Florida for a meeting and requested a naked snow angel…
His wish is my command!
The past couple of days i’ve been feeling like i’ve been a poor sub the past several months. Yes, i know i’ve been sick, and Maximus has been great and patient, but i don’t feel like i’ve been submissive, in fact, i feel like i’ve been everything but–pushing, fighting, and directing.
This feeling really started when i was getting my Advanced Directive and Power of Attorney out of my safe in preparation for my surgery, documents that are with our BDSM contract. Our contract is signed and sealed from the last time we revised and signed it on our last GOT day five months ago. As i held the sealed packet i thought, Wow, this really hasn’t seemed to guide my decisions or interactions with Maximus for awhile. Is this still relevant? That fleeting thought has been niggling at me.
So last night, late, i decided it was time to really think about my lack of submission. What has happened? What’s going on? What i think i’ve come up with is that my submissive life is imbalanced. Well really, it’s not just that my submissive life is imbalanced…it’s that my WHOLE LIFE is imbalanced. my body has taken control of my life and changed my ability to participate in athletics, maintain my fitness, work, have sex, and on and on and on. As i wrote about in Balance over a year ago, submission works for me to balance all the areas of my life where i have to be Dominant (work, endurance sports, maintaining my home), but i don’t have those things in my life right now. The absence of those things are influencing me to push back right now, trying to get back to homeostasis, or balance.
This illness has dramatically changed my life, and really, it’s a temporary thing. But it’s not short temporary…it’s a prolonged temporary thing, so right now, it feels like a permanent shift when i’m really in the final months of it. But instead of looking at this as a loss, i think this is an opportunity for me to find the lesson, gain strength from it, to learn to maintain my balance when life is imbalanced. Instead of fighting the loss of the dominant areas in my life, i should learn to trust the strength of my Dominant, to release into it and swim with the current. This is a gift, truly, a chance for growth, not just for me, but in our relationship together.
Is the contract still relevant? Probably more than ever. Should it be guiding me? Yes, that is what it was intended for.
We had a dialogue about my rage at Maximus’ request. i felt anxiety and trepidation about His request, as He had initiated a promise at our last session with Fern never to bring up this raging episode again. He said He’d been premature in saying that. my intention of our conversation today was to ask Him to share what He’d thought about during His backpacking trip about our relationship and situation. He said that this was what He’d thought about and that’s why He wanted to have this dialogue.
Initially i said i couldn’t have this dialogue today, that we’d have to wait until tomorrow as i was at work and furthermore, i didn’t feel i could have this dialogue with Him without Fern being present as i felt He was breaking a promise that He’d made to me in front of her. But then i realized that we couldn’t even have the conversation that i wanted to have because of that, and as i wanted to have a conversation that we’d made time for, said that we could have His dialogue now, but that i was uneasy about it.
It was a good conversation, a lot was shared. We are both feeling doubly guilty for our parts in this last event. i won’t rehash the whole dialogue. i did get stuck at the end analyzing things He said. And we finally concluded the dialogue that we both changed our behaviors based on a need for our own safety, and did things that broke each others trust, that we both love each other, are here for each other, committed to our relationship, have things to ask for forgiveness for and to apologize for.
i did get irritated at Him after that about His schedule change for tomorrow which would cut our time together by an hour. After He got upset with me about being upset at Him about it, i heard Him say that we would talk more tonight at the airport, which I had assumed He wouldn’t do as He hasn’t been wanting to talk on the phone at the airport in the past several months. i focused on losing an hour and assuming he’d not talk to me tonight. We got it straightened out. And it is a lesson learned for me that it’s not that He’s not wanting that time with me, it’s out of His hands as well. i need to learn not to hear it as He doesn’t want to be with me, it is that He does, but outside factors have pulled Him away from me.
After sitting down and thinking about the dialogue and what we would dialogue about tomorrow, i realized that we have an opportunity to apologize, forgive each other, and move forward. We both did things. i do believe that my raging is better, and not having that huge trigger, i believe my raging would have been over. We’ll never know what could’ve been. But i would like to prove to Maximus that my rages are over. i would like Him to begin to trust me again. And i need to trust Him as well so He can feel safe enough to do that.
As i sat here, i began to think about the things that made me fall in love with Him in the first place. All of those things are still there—they always have been. i just got so wrapped up in my past hurt that i couldn’t see them. i understand that He wanted to do anything to prevent me from raging at Him again…i felt the same way.
And so it’s all out in the open between us. i get it.
i can do that, i can put my faith into Him, and me, and trust Maximus again. Maximus, can you do the same for me? Can we take this opportunity for a fresh start with each other to rebuild trust together? i trust that it was never your intention to hurt me, that you did things and are doing things in the intention for us to move on into our future, a future that is true and honest and together. It is my intention as well. Can we have a fresh start?
OMG, so first of all, i ADORE the movie Up, from which this pic was taken. i love how Carl and Ellie loved each other and took care of each other. And i know it is a cartoon, but i always connected with the love and friendship and devotion they had for each other. So when i discovered this image when looking for something to use in this blog, i nearly teared up!
Maximus had a busy travel week, actually He’s had several busy travel weeks, with some extremely important corporate meetings. Generally, when He travels, He works on the plane, but He mentioned to me before He left that He was going to use this trip to read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that i had blogged about in Translation!! Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but we share the same Kindle account so we can share books with each other! i hadn’t asked Him to do that and i really appreciated that He wanted to use His time on something for us.
When He landed after the first flight, He texted, “Wow. Read most of the book. It nailed us. Amazing. Thanks so much for sharing this. Have lots to talk about regarding the book. Lots of questions.” i was very excited about this! He nearly finished the rest of the book during his second flight and made a point to stay up very late, given the time zone differences between us, so we could discuss it. He had highlighted passages all throughout the book and i was able to follow along as He went through it section by section as His highlights showed up on my Kindle too!
Here are some of the passages Maximus connected with and some of our discussion about them:
We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment…I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.
We discussed letting bygones be bygones, both in experiences with previous relationships and in past resolved issues we have had with each other.
By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention…When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love. It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone… A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention…
Maximus made a commitment to better about not multi-tasking while we are talking, whether it be in person, over the phone, or via Skype. He does feel He does a good job at juggling other tasks while talking, but i feel He is distracted or that feels our discussion isn’t important enough to give His undivided attention to.
i also shared that when we are traveling, while we are sitting in an airplane at the gate or on the tarmac waiting to depart, i would prefer that He not play games or surf Twitter, etc., rather use the time to sit and talk. i’d not mentioned this to Him previously, but it has been something that’s bothered me when we’ve traveled together. i figured it was just habit from His frequent flying for work, and He concurred–it hadn’t even crossed His mind.
Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting.
We chuckled about this one. Maximus is learning to count seconds! And i’m paying more attention to not interrupting as well.
The “Babbling Brook.” For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two. Whatever they see, whatever they hear, they tell.
Maximus is the poster child for the “Babbling Brook.” This is an area where we have had communication problems, in that He thinks aloud while talking in a conversation and i have gone along thinking a decision was made or a thought process completed and acted or responded accordingly, only to find that those were just thoughts and ideas, not the final product! i take things in and process them and then communicate final decisions or crafted responses–it is why i love writing so much, as i can dump ideas and then edit and move them around and fine tune them into a final product. Maximus is learning not to verbally dump, rather be more articulate, and i am learning to ask whether or not something is a thought in process or a final decision.
…establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.
i have learned that Maximus really, really values hearing about my day and sharing all the things that he did during His. i have misunderstood the meaning of Maximus’ daily recounting–i took it as reasons He was too busy to talk. And many times, in addition, Maximus has been such a Babbling Brook about His day that by the time He’s gotten around to ask about mine, i’m just so overwhelmed by all His words that i minimize my response to a few sentences. We are both working to improve in this area.
Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling, “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.” That is love, and for some people it is love’s loudest voice…The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it,(2) the other is willing to do it, and (3) both of you know why you are doing it–to express love by being together. One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory from which to draw in the years ahead.
We both feel that this is an area where we perform very well. We will use this as a springboard to improve other areas that need work.
A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.
…symbols have emotional value...If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the [wedding] ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.
Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive, and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts. the cost of the gift will matter little, unless it is greatly out of line with what you can afford. If a millionaire gives only one-dollar gifts regular, the spouse may question whether that is an expression of love. but when family finances are limited, a one-dollar gift may speak a million dollars’ worth of love…For the man who can afford it, you can purchase a beautiful card for less than five dollars. For the man who cannot, you can make one for free…If receiving gifts is his/her primary love language, almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love…You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.
We had a lot of discussion about gifts, as it is my primary love language, and an area we have been miscommunicating in. i truly connect with the feeling that a gift shows that someone what thinking about you. This has been a topic of several discussions, disagreements, and dialogues, in that i just felt forgotten by Maximus. Most times, the gift i most wanted was a text that He was thinking about me, as simple as that. Other times, Maximus has mentioned He was going out to look for a gift for me, but then no gift ever appeared and it left me wondering what i had done to not deserve the gift He said He was shopping for. Or moreover, He would send me pictures of gifts that i never received. It was very confusing to me and i have felt hurt many times over it.
i did not understand my feelings about desiring gifts until i read this book. Because of this, i was embarrassed by wanting symbols or tokens of affection, thinking it would make me appear materialistic, which i absolutely am not. So, to temper this, i have told Maximus not to buy me expensive gifts, that i didn’t want them. But then i resented that i did not get anything! It’s not that i need expensive gifts, i just feel special and thought of when i receive a token of affection. It makes me feel special, and it’s ok to acknowledge that. Maximus has wanted nothing more than to give me gifts, but i have communicated to Him not to. He is excited to be able to follow His instinct now.
As my love language is gifts, i have been communicating my love Maximus by giving gifts to Him–but that is His least desired love language! So the ring i gave Him, meant the world to me, a symbol of my love for Him to wear, but did not have the same impact on Him. He now understands why i found it so devastating when He’d removed the ring after my last rage event–i was crushed by the symbolism that told me He no longer loved me, which was not the case at all. To Him, it was a ring. To me, it was my heart.
Physical presence in a time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your souse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol and the sense of love evaporates.
Huge revelation here for Maximus! One of my rage events stemmed around Maximus’ decision to come be with me after my grandmother passed away. He never thought for a minute about not going, but His Babbling Brook communication led me to believe that He was questioning going and was too busy to take the time to be there for me. This was a big eye-opener for Him.
Acts of service…doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.
This is Maximus’ primary love language. Now, i have been communicating to Maximus in what i thought were gifts: making meals, sewing a quilt, redecorating His home, painting, but it turns out, those really aren’t gifts, those are acts of service. To me, it was a gift of my time, energy, and expertise–to Him, they were actions that showed true love.
What is very interesting is that my submission in our D/s relationship is an act of service! Maximus feel immense love from this. What’s even more interesting is that i have felt it was my gift to Him–it’s even reflected in the name of my blog!
We really had a great conversation about this book. In fact, it met both of our primary love languages…a gift of His time to go through the book and share passages of meaning, quality “us” time, and an act of service from me to find something that would be so helpful for Him in our relationship. We have talked a lot about the information in this book and have employed a lot of the techniques and suggestions in it. And i got flowers delivered–the first time EVER any man has sent me flowers! It was heavenly and i’m still walking on air about them! Talk about a full love tank!
i realize it’s been over a week since i last posted–no worries, everything is ok. In fact, it’s GREAT! It’s just been a busy couple of weeks and i was not able to post.
i’ve had two sessions with Fern since i last journalled, which were both very good. During the one at the end of June, Fern recommended that i find a way to symbolically say goodbye to Piper C and One Guy to let them be gone from today and rid myself of the lingering negative energy from those relationships. i really have felt that i had done that with Piper C but hadn’t done that with One Guy. i wasn’t sure how i was going to do that, however, and new it was going to take some searching to figure out. i still have the ring i gave One Guy and i thought maybe i could do something to rid myself of that, but i would rather pawn it than destroy it, and that just seemed to be taking the word “symbol” too literally for me and didn’t feel like the solution. i decided to not think so hard on it and just let the answer come to me.
And the answer came…during my Half Ironman race later that week, the toughest race i’ve ever done, and i’d done half ironman races before. This race took place in the mountains, so at elevation and with a lot of hill climbing on the bike portion, and it was hellishly hot to boot. About ten miles into the race, at the second turn, i saw a sign indicating we were 11 miles from a lake that One Guy and i had camped at during our honeymoon. i was shocked! i had not realized that this race was so close to that, in fact, i would have sworn that we were hours away from that location. But there it was! As i rode, i thought about how much stronger, fitter, and happier i am now, so much more than i was on that honeymoon and in that relationship. i thought, “Look at me now!” and remembered how unhappy i was the last time i was here, yes, i was unhappy, and unfit during that honeymoon. i remembered One Guy sitting at the campfire getting inebriated on scotch when i wanted to hike and do active things. And so as i rode, i told Him goodbye, told the pain of that relationship to stay back there, and that i was riding away, stronger, and fitter, from that part of my life. “Look at me now!”
Maximus was waiting for me at the end of the bike portion, at the bike-to-run transition area. i heard Him before i saw Him–cheering and yelling for me. It was so great! For the first time ever, i had a man in my life that came to a race to cheer me on and support me! And i needed that support too. i was sure i’d lost the race on the third hill, hadn’t seen anyone else for 18 miles. Maximus met me at the beginning of the run, riding a mountain bike and carrying a backpack of supplies i might need. i told Him i was struggling and it was taking everything i had not to quit. i asked Him if He would ride with me on my run and He replied, “Of course, baby, that’s the plan!” By the second mile i got my second wind and by the end of the race I passed 30 runners and came in first place for my age group!!
The sign for the lake was still in my mind the following day. i wasn’t completely sure that this was the same lake as i just couldn’t believe that i was so close to it. So i drove out the second day after the race and lo and behold, found the same campground, the same campsite where we stayed. i stopped the car and just looked at the spot, left the rest of the emotions there, and moved on.
When i got home, my friend Double D, who watched my house when i was gone, came by so i could give her a gift for taking care of things when i was on my trip. While she was there, she shared that she had lived at my house while i was gone, having left her husband after discovering he had been having emotional affairs with two women via his cell phone. She was devastated. We sat on the patio and she told me everything, and as they are in the swinging lifestyle as well, she hadn’t been able to talk to anyone about any of this. i listened and she asked for advice. i started sharing with her things i’d learned from working with Fern and as i was talking, i realized how much i’d learned and how grateful i was for Maximus. i had nothing to be angry at Maximus for, He had never cheated. my anger was for imagined disloyalty. i was so grateful not have to Double D’s situation. After she left, i called Maximus and told Him that i loved Him and about Double D and Crash. And He thanked me.
i have felt great since my race. As i explained to Fern in my session yesterday, i’m happy and i just don’t feel the static of anxiety about Maximus and our relationship like i’ve felt for months. i haven’t felt upset about the space between us like i normally have. We had the 4th of July apart and i didn’t worry about it. And i think Maximus is feeling it too, as after the 4th, He shared that even though we were apart, He felt completely connected with me that whole day and while He was at a function that evening.
i set intentions for the next week and a half before Fern and i meet again. My intentions will be to use my talk with Double D for my self-talk if i start to feel anxious about Maximus and me; to take this time to take care of myself and be present and mindful for Maximus as He starts His solo sessions with Fern; and to use this time of calm to prepare for our joint session together.
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