Monthly Archives: December 2012

It’s Almost Christmas!

Hehe! It’s almost OUR Christmas. It’s been a week since we saw each other last…why does it feel so much longer than that?

Maximus will be down tomorrow night. Just being together is gift enough. i’ve been very patient, going crazy inside waiting to give Him His gifts!

Monday night we’ll head to our friends’ New Years Eve party. Maximus will be wearing His tux…be still my heart–and hands! i have a matching dress (this time i picked it out, due to a surprise) and incredible shoes that will blow His mind! The shoes are part of His Christmas present. So excited!

That’s all for now!

Ho Ho Ho

and He He He!

Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Into a Dark Room

Something very exciting is in the plans…a dungeon room in my home! Well, more accurately, we will be outfitting a large walk-in closet with dungeon room supplies to turn my workout room into a dungeon room. i started the project today by removing everything from the closet, which wasn’t much, a vacuum cleaner, carpet cleaner, antique baby bassinet, gift wrapping supplies, and installed a new door knob that locks with a key. It’s all ready and waiting for Maximus to arrive so He can let me know what His vision will be for the room so i can proceed.

i have to say, the prospect of this has gotten me so turned on! i could hardly sleep last night with all these visions of tools and toys stored and hung in that closet, and imagining Maximus setting up the room for scenes. i could picture eye bolts in the ceiling and having Him bind and suspend me in the room, having His way with my body. And i had these rape/gangbang scenes play over and over in my mind, fantasizing being bound and used by Him and others He invited to share me with. i slept in this morning after a night of masterbation and tremendous orgasms!

i did some internet searching for dungeon room plans and found some interesting sites. Foxy Furniture has some awesome plans for BDSM furniture that you can hide in plain sight! I’m very interested in looking into making some of their stuff, the pedestal criss-cross, in particular. Also The Better Built Bondage Book site caught my eye. And i enjoyed reading the BDSM Circle‘s blog about building their dungeon room.

i can’t wait!!! Maximus already has theme music for the first time we use our dungeon….Enjoy!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM dungeon, BDSM relationship, D/s, discipine, Dom/sub, Dominant | Leave a comment

The Gift of gabriella

When Maximus and i made the decision to enter BDSM in a D/s relationship, we both felt it was very important for me to document our journey together. The initial reason was to have documentation of a realistic BDSM couple and perhaps write a book that was more accurate and true to the lifestyle than Fifty Shades of Grey. But we quickly learned how important my journaling was to US, how much we learned about each other and ourselves through the process of documenting our journey and my feelings.

It took some time and pondering for me to come up with a name for this blog, because i wanted it to reflect the philosophy of D/s, what it meant for me and us. i brainstormed what BDSM and D/s meant to me and when i wrote gift, i knew instantly that that word needed to be included in the name. So while writing a blog may reflect someone with “the gift of gab,” someone who talks and chatters, “The Gift of gabriella” is a reflection of my gift to Maximus, the ultimate, vulnerable, trusting, complete surrendering of giving myself to Him.

To me, being a submissive is the ultimate gift. And when i say that, it’s not a gift i’ve ever given to anyone before. i also can’t imagine giving that to anyone else ever again. We had a rough month, Maximus and i, and at one point, i wasn’t sure we were going to be able to continue–and at that time, i came to realize that if we didn’t continue, i could not see myself giving this gift to anyone else. This gift is for Maximus, my only. There is something in us, something in us together that makes this gift possible.

But being a submissive is also the receipt of the ultimate gift. There is something remarkable in having someone learn your soul, mind, and body to such a point as to take you over an edge that you could not achieve alone. There is something remarkable to have someone trust you so much that they are willing to do things to you in such a vulnerable state.

This gift transcends BDSM, however. This gift we share permeates every part of our lives together, and apart. BDSM requires exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. to exist, and in turn, fills our entire relationship with exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. We are not perfect, and we will stumble, make mistakes, unintentionally hurt each other, but the gift we share helps us recover from that and in turn, grow.

Maximus, it is Christmas, and i love You. Not because it’s Christmas or the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new one in the book of our lives, but for the gifts You are and the gifts you allow me to share everyday and for the rest of our lives together. No box could ever contain it, no paper ever cover it, no ribbon ever beautiful enough to wrap the enormity of us. These gifts i shall cherish forever.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, relationship, togetherness | Leave a comment


Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

It’s Not the End of the World

Perpetual Clock, Prague, Czech Republic

Despite all the hype–the world did not end yesterday with the end of the Mayan Calendar. It does, however, find me reflecting on the concept of endings and beginnings. What is it about endings that tends to bring on such fear and hype? And i don’t mean the end of the Mayan Calendar, but any ending, all those conclusions, terminations, halts… We fear endings, it represents the unknown, even if an ending is a good thing. It means having to make a conscious effort for something different, a change in our routine. We long for consistency, we revere it to religious magnitude in “worlds without end, Amen.”

But endings are such gifts! The Japanese word, kaizen, embraces this in its definition as change for the better. We need change, fresh starts, new outlooks, brand new experiences. Athough change is often hard, painful, makes us mourn, breaks our hearts, an ending should be an anticipation for something new, an opportunity for growth, room for the next thing, appreciation for what was and what can become.

We can’t live in fear of change. Its not appropriate to cocoon ourselves in bubbles of isolation to avoid endings…for have we really lived if we do? We should never resist beginnings for fear of the ending. This is my takeaway for today. Breathe, laugh, dance, love, live…fearlessly.

First Hello, Last Goodbye – Roger Whitaker
They say when you gain a lover
You begin to lose a friend
That the end of the beginning’s
The beginning of the end
They say the moment that you’re born
Is when you start to die
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

We know each summer’s coming
Means the winter’s waiting there
And gold would not be precious
If we all had gold to spare
You only know how low is low
The first time that you fly
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

If I could live forever
It is certain I could never
Know another single second so sublime
That moment of our meeting
When our hands first touched in greeting
How I wanted to hold back the hands of time

When they begin the overture
They start to end the show
When you said “I’ll never leave you,”
Then I knew that you would go
The sound of all our laughter
Is now echoed in a sigh
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

If I could live forever
It is certain I could never know
Another single second so sublime
That moment of our meeting
When our hands first touched in greeting
How I wanted to hold back the hands of time (hands of time)

When they begin the overture
They start to end the show
When you said “I’ll never leave you,”
Then I knew that you would go
The sound of all our laughter
Is now echoed in a sigh
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye
And the first time that we said hello
Began our last goodbye

Categories: apocalypse, kaizen, Mayan Calendar, Reflection | Leave a comment

The Necessity of Gabbing

Gabbing, talking, sharing, conversing, COMMUNICATING…there are few things more important than that in any relationship. Invaluable. Priceless. Critical.

i came up to Maximus’ yesterday, not for the purpose of dealing with my batshit outburst, but as part of a previously planned trip to support Him during a difficult time, his divorce mediation the end of this week. i was pretty terrified about coming up. i actually imagined that i’d walk in and find Maximus and The Englishman sitting in His living room waiting and asking me to leave when i walked in. They weren’t, they didn’t.

This wasn’t the time to talk about what happened or my jealousy. But we ended up talking about it anyway. And i think we are both relieved about it. It took hours, in bed, late. It was time and energy Maximus didn’t have in reserve to spend, yet He did, despite my pleas for Him to stop and sleep. It wasn’t that i was refusing to talk about it, i didn’t want to again be a distraction and i wanted Him to get some rest.

It’s not the final talk, but it cut a ton of tension, and we had some epiphanies. First, Maximus could not understand why i could not see how different He was with me than He was with Ms. W since everyone else could see that. i can’t see that, it’s not possible as i am never around when He’s with her, while those people are. In the absence of that, my fear made up a ridiculously inflated false reality of who they are together. Second, during the course of the conversation, Maximus was discussing something and mentioned, if not for the affair of JB and Covert Ops, Ms. W would have been someone He would have met and not seen again, that she is not someone He would have pursued a relationship with. The situation of the affair, impending divorces, and shared experience have brought them into a friendship of support. It never was a love interest. i did not know this, never realized this.

As the old saying goes, Assume makes an Ass out of u and me.” i’m not going to blame this on either one of us making assumptions–but it illustrates the importance of communicating, asking, listening, and not making up realities out of incomplete information. We have more to work on, i have more to work on. While i feel relieved and it makes me want to think the jealousy is gone, i will be realistic and agree with Maximus that we have work to do on my feelings of jealousy. And while i’m embarrassed to have the man i love point that out to me, i am deeply moved by His concern and commitment to this internal issue of mine, especially since it reared its ugly head so explosively toward Him. I think most men, most people, would put up walls and expect the person feeling the emotion to deal with it independently, as if to say, come see me when you’ve got this thing of yours figured out. i hold a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that Maximus is wanting to help me with this. Don’t get me wrong, this is my issue that i have to ultimately deal with, but it is helpful to have someone there supporting me while i do it.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, communication, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

Help from One Ethical Slut to Another

i’m learning more about myself through this process. Most of it i love, some of it, i’m unhappy to see. And that’s ok, this needs to be an honest process and so necessary for us. i’m not perfect, have never professed to be, but i don’t like disappointing anyone, myself, or someone i love.

As i’ve written about over and over, i have had trouble understanding where i fit in with Ms. W. This has brought conflict several times and in increasing frequency. The weekend before last, Maximus noted that it was going to continue to be an area of conflict for us. i’ve insisted that i was not jealous and He said that He thought i was initially, but had come to realize that i was not, through my insistence.

i’m NOT dwelling on things, i’m moving forward! Today, as part of my self-directed journey to figure this out and to prevent ever again having a blow-up such as i had Sunday, i decided to reference a book i read a year ago, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. I found this book extremely insightful a year ago when considering my future in relationships. In fact, after Maximus and i met, i shared the book with Him because i thought it could be helpful for Him as well, as we’d had many conversations similar to the issues discussed in the book.

i remembered that there had been an entire chapter on jealousy and thought perhaps i needed to read it again. i have never considered myself a jealous person and have insisted that i have not been jealous, but after reading this chapter, i really need to own up to the fact that i, gabriella, have been jealous. i don’t like it at all. it feels like a personality failure. But i really need to own this and learn how to deal with it so i never blow up again.

“Let jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.” Deborah Anapol, Love Without Limits

Easton and Hardy advise “Once we are willing to confront the feeling of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy truly is for each of us…[it] may be an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate.” They look at the roots of jealousy, from grief and loss, competitiveness and a desire to be number one, etc. i think the latter is true for me, so much so that it is written into our BDSM contract that we are each others primary relationship–i made sure that was in there. i think that my fear is that by Maximus sleeping with Ms. W., i lose my edge, that she is somehow diminishing my position with Him. It is the ultimate intimate thing, sleeping with someone, we have agreed that. i am jealous that Maximus desires to have that with her despite me agreeing, without exception, to not ever sleep with anyone else. It causes me great fear and insecurity.

Ok, i admit it, i’m jealous, but how do i fix this?

“So reassure yourself: there is no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It’s kind of like learning to skate- you have to fall down and make a fool of yourself a few times before you become as graceful as a swan.”

So i’ve got the making a fool of myself down. The challenge, is restoring my internal security, not dependent upon Maximus’ love. This is not new for me. This is the thing i know about and fear, the boundary issue i have with love that i shared with Maximus (see the section on the permeable membrane in Becoming gabriella). Since my divorce, my personal power has been from me, from within, i fell in love with me. i need to remember to continue this despite being in love with Maximus, and not let His love for me be my validation–He doesn’t want this, He wants the strong, self-validated woman He met and fell in love with. Part of this is owning my shit, and the other is recognizing that i cannot do things or agree to things solely because i don’t want to disappoint Him. During my meltdown, i screamed, “i said i’d never do this, that i’d never lie to myself!” This is what i felt like, as if i had made decisions against myself, and it felt untrue. Maximus asked if i had been lying to Him. i hadn’t lied, would never lie, but i had disregarded my needs, not communicated my fears, and went ahead with an agreement that i thought i would learn to live with. i could not take it anymore and exploded–how could i be surprised? It’s not fair to me or Maximus for me to do this.

“Jealousy is not a cancer that you can cut out. It is a part of you, a way that you express fear and hurt. What you can do is change the way you experience jealousy, learn to deal with it as you learn to deal with-any emotion-until it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable: a mild disturbance, like a rainy day rather than a typhoon.”

What do i need to do to change how i experience jealousy?

  • Acknowledge it. And don’t take it as a personality failure.

“It is particularly important that you own your jealousy, to yourself and to your intimates. If you try to pretend that you are not jealous when you are, others will perceive you as dishonest, or worse yet, they may believe you, and see no need to support or protect you because you’re fine, right? If you pretend to yourself that you are not jealous when you are, then your own emotions may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention, which can generate intensely irrational feelings and behavior, temper tantrums and hissy fits, or perhaps even make you physically ill.” 

“When you deny jealousy, or any other difficult emotion, you put yourself in a harsh and difficult landscape, full of pitfalls and land mines. “Acting out” means doing things you dont understand, driven by emotions you have refused to be aware of- and denying your jealousy can lead you to act out harsh feelings in ways you will regret later.” 

  • Remember that it is my job to get my needs met.
  • Allow myself to feel it, but refuse to act on it. Yes, it is how you feel, but don’t give it power.

“Just feel it. It will hurt, and you will feel frightened and confused, but if you sit still, and listen to yourself with compassion and support for the scared child inside, the first thing you will learn is that the experience of jealousy is survivable. You have the strength to get through it.”

“By actively choosing to experience a painful feeling like jealousy, you are already starting to reduce its power over you. First, you decide that you will not allow your jealousy to make you run screaming over the horizon. And so you exercise your first form of control over jealousy. I will hold steady and stay with myself and my feelings.”
  • Be good to myself. Keep my virtues at their full value and cherish them.
“…remember that the most important part of love is not the love, however wonderful, that you or another can have for your beauty and strength and virtue. The real test of love is when a person- including you- can know your weaknesses, your stupidities and your smallnesses, and still love you.”
“Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself while you learn
to work through jealousy…nurture yourself. Give yourself permission to take the best possible care of yourself. You deserve it.”
  •   Cry. Let it out.
“The images you see in your mind are the perfect reflection of your own fears. One way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them: “Yes, I’m afraid of that.” You can take it even further, and work through the fears by envisioning the worst possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead, wallow in it.Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous.” 
    • Write about it without blaming anyone, including myself.
      “It is okay to cover pages of your journal with FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS! in bright red ink…Try writing down your stream of consciousness, which means whatever you find in your head whether or not it makes sense, and see what you get.Treasures, jewels of self knowledge are often found here.”

      “Make a list of everything you value about your relationship, and put it aside for a rainy day. Be an optimist, turn your mind to the positive end of things. Value what you have, and what you get from your partner; the time, attention and love that he shares with you, the good stuff that fills your cup. Avoid being the pessimist who focuses on what is not there, the energy that goes somewhere else. That energy is not subtracted from what you get- relationships are not balanced like checkbooks. So when you are feeling deprived, remember all the good stuff you get from your partnership.”

      • Breathe.
      • Communicate effectively. Own it.
      “When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of than we would have if no difficulty had arisen in the first place. So we strongly recommend that you and your partners give each other the profoundly bonding experience of sharing your vulnerabilities. We are all human, we are all vulnerable, and we all need validation.”

      i will use these strategies. i have to. i cannot go through what happened ever again, not for us, not for me. This was devastating and tore my own heart out. Its disappointing to realize i’m jealous, but i am and i need to acknowledge that. i never thought i’d be jealous, ever, and part of the disappointment is being wrong. i do feel better acknowledging it.

      “So when you get this far, congratulate yourself. Celebrate your successes: write “I am a genius!” two hundred times with lots of bright colors.”

      I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius! I am a genius!

      Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, Ethical Slut, jealousy | Leave a comment


      There was a little girl
      Who had a little curl
      Right in the middle of her forehead.
      And when she was good
      She was very, very good
      But when she was bad
      She was horrid! 

      i feel miserable. Maximus is right, He could never punish me as i punish myself.

      i’ve been horrid. Just like the nursery rhyme.

      i went off on Maximus. Completely unprovoked and unfairly. i yelled and carried on, swore, cried, stormed out, hung up, screamed. i did this exactly when He needed it the least, as if He needed it at all, but my timing couldn’t have been worse. i am mortified by my actions.

      And yet He still loves me, even when i’m having trouble loving myself right now.

      i don’t know why i tried to ruin it. i don’t have reasons or excuses. i don’t know why i got so wrapped up in emotions and let them carry me to such a dark place. i don’t know why i lashed out on someone who loves and cares and desires me, and someone who needs me to be strong and supportive right now. He hasn’t asked for anything but my heart and trust, and gives me the world in return.

      i am so sorry.

      And i love you. Thank you for forgiving me.

      Categories: Uncategorized | Leave a comment

      Living Vicariously through Him

      i’m so excited! It’s like i have a date, but i don’t…Maximus does and living vicariously through Him has got me so turned on!

      Maximus is meeting with E & e tonight, the BDSM couple we met together for a meet and greet a month ago when i was up at His home. Our meeting went great and we’ve been wanting to get together, but our schedules didn’t mesh. Tonight, however, worked for the three of them and i encouraged them to get together. And i’m soooo excited!

      Maximus had some concerns last week about it. He mentioned during our Skype call after the Dom text that i wrote about in Humor, the Double-edged Sword, that He was thinking about excusing Himself after having dinner with them, making an excuse that The Englishman was staying at His home and needed to attend to His guest. This was a radical change for Him, as we’ve been talking about His date with E & e for weeks, and both of us have been excited about it. It was late, it’d been a hard evening, so i didn’t pressure Him to talk about it. i did send Him a little email later, though, to check with Him and reassure Him.

      So some thoughts on what You said about getting together with E & e….because, well, You know, thoughts are what i do…
      my thought is that You are concerned about getting together with them after me getting upset about the Dom text yesterday. Being with E & e is not the same thing. E is her Dom. You are being invited in to help him with a scene. You will be participating (of course!!) but you are not becoming her dom nor are you becoming E’s sub. You would be most certainly doing things that are BDSM, but you are not becoming her dom. Clear distinction.
      This is the eggshells concern…You not doing something You would normally do based on a recent conflict that is not related to or the same as this event at all. Misapplication of learning…
      i would love for You to go. i think You, and W/we, could learn some things from them, and particularly when You are there solo. i find it exciting to learn from You what You learned from them. And they’ve made arrangements and plans to be with You.
      i will never force You to do anything You weren’t comfortable with. i don’t want the reason for backing out to be because You are concerned it will upset me, when i’m clearly stating it will not. i have fantasized about it all day. Now if You get there and it’s scary and You want to leave, by all means, run! i promise you, if I had 1/10,000,000th of an inkling of concern about You going i would tell you—and i think You know by now that i WOULD (and whatever warped analysis i’d twisted it into)!
      i appreciate that You want me with You. Everything is more special when W/we share it together. But i cannot be there. i want You to be able to continue to play solo, as i have, and it does not diminish what W/we have together. If You decide to go and have a great time, W/we will most certainly spend time together with them when my schedule allows.
      i love you

      Maximus wrote back the next morning and thanked me for the email. We spoke later and He shared that it wasn’t necessarily the exchange about the Dom text that was concerning Him, it was an issue with JB and the upcoming divorce proceedings that had rattled Him that had decreased His desire to play separately with E & e. However, after my email and some time to reflect, He wanted to keep His date with them–AND i’m SO HAPPY FOR IT!

      Hopefully i’m not putting too much into this date between the three of them, but it is exciting that He will have some time with another BDSM couple in D/s that have been involved in this for quite some time. i am excited to learn from them, excited for Maximus to learn some things, see how another D/s couple interacts, and be able to do that without me there so He can show me things as His, incorporate them into our play, and not feel like i’ve watched Him be trained. It’s almost hard for me to explain. But i think that’s the crux of it, i want Maximus to have an opportunity to get some Dom training without me seeing Him get training. i think He’s wonderful and perfect, don’t get me wrong–we’re both new and don’t know what we don’t know sometimes.

      And i can’t wait for the phone call tonight where He tells me all about it…We’ve done that before, shared post-date details with each other by phone immediately afterward and it is HOT HOT HOT! That was before D/s, so it will be interesting what spin and parameters He puts on me while He tells me about it–as i usually masterbate and have great orgasms while He tells me the stories.

      i’ll share details tomorrow.

      Categories: BDSM, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive, training | Leave a comment


      Maximus created something in His heart for us months and months ago to describe to me His intensions, His feelings, His committment, and that is GOT. i think i’ve mentioned GOT in several posts but had never described it, feeling it was too personal to share outside the two of us, but i need to describe it now for this post.

      GOT is “Growing Old Together.” It is a shared vision of ours, from Maximus’ heart to mine, that is the answer to any question i may ever have–when i remember to answer my questions with it. And you may remember that i struggled with GOT initially, especially in Fight #1 of the Battling it Out post. i’ve not had anyone ever promise to stay until the end actually stay to the end, so this takes a lot for me. i trust Maximus with all my heart, and i do believe Him, i just have flashes of things from previous relationships that cause me worry–and they’re things about me and my personality that make me question His ability to stay with me, not the other way around. i’m not easy and i know that.

      My last post, Humor, the Double-edged Sword, ended with that. i’ve been sick, Maximus has been traveling, i’m feeling off-sorts all over. He sent me an email to tell me what a nice job i’d done on my blog post and that He knew it was difficult to write. All i could focus on was that He didn’t mention all the questions at the end as i had sent myself reeling with them. He texted later and i told Him i was having a hard time after writing the blog, that it brought more questions than answers. He replied, “Easy answer for me. GOT.”

      But i feel i’m going to destroy this wonderful thing we have. “I’m just having a hard time worried that you’ve picked me and i’m bad news.”

      “Funny. You are not able to do that. Funny. If you fully understand GOT and you do, then its not possible. So so easy to answer. GOT. Explain that. That is my answer.” He replied

      There were some other exchanges of mine, trying to justify my concerns, which ended with His text, “So no more thinking you are going to mess this up. I’m going to write above your ass GOT.”

      “GOT” was my answer. To which He responded, “Perfect and only answer.”

      He Skyped later and we talked more. Well, He talked to me about how adorable He finds it that an highly educated, intelligent, beautiful woman could over-analyze herself into Analysis Paralysis. He does understand my history and understands how things can flash us back to past hurtful memories, but they are just that, past hurtful memories and not now. And He’s right, at no time in my past have i had a relationship like this, fully trusting with such complete and honest communication that has no recoil. None of our conversations, none of our fears have ever been used as ammunition as they have in previous relationships–this is not previous or past, this is now, this is GOT.

      Again, a posting from Tarq from Whips, Chains, & Duct Tape

      A True Master will fight for his submissive. He will not give up on her. He will seek her face to fill his day with happiness. When she falls in the darkest times of her life, He will go anywhere needed to bring her back–He wouldn’t care how much it will take, but He will get his girl back no matter what. If she is lost …He will guide her through the darkness. If she is in danger He will be her bodyguard. If she is sad…He will be her smiles that adorn her lips. If she is happy…He will be sharing the joy with her. When she loses her faith…He will be her bible that she can hold into.  If she lost her trust on the world…He will be her world. His eyes will show how determined He is, His spirit is not going to be defeated. Giving up on her is not even an option, she is going to be cherished, protected, disciplined, guided, and loved. No matter the obstacles along the way, no matter the people that will try to destroy what they have, no matter how life is pushing back…everything will be shattered on the strength of His willpower and His strong heart that will look to the whole world in the eye and say “I will stand by My girl and will be there for her no matter what.”

      Maximus is a True Master. my GOT. my answer.

      Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | 1 Comment

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