Translation!!

Ugh. So i wrote the last blog and then Maximus and i had a communication breakdown. Ugh. And we both got mad at each other, pretty much the first time we have both been angry with each other. Oddly, i’m glad that Maximus got angry with me, and i know He doesn’t feel that way about it. Maybe it’s because i feel like He got locked and loaded engaged with the situation, maybe it’s because i don’t feel like the odd one out or the lesser person in the relationship because we were BOTH angry, maybe i can feel now that i have done something that made Him angry at me for a change…finally. Hopefully it’s also the last time, as i know Maximus really has been working to avoid getting mad at me, and i really don’t want to do that again either.

The issue was again me not feeling like a priority, as i described in Priorities, What’s the Conflict, and Leaps. And i was upset that it was happening again, that i felt that Maximus was too busy to even touch base with me all day. i tried to cue Him in with Imago words, but it didn’t seem to help. And then i just got ticked off and decided i was done trying Imago and just try a different way to get His attention…to be angry. i didn’t rage, but i was outwardly angry, intentionally.

So we were angry at each other and we got angry with the Imago process. i felt we’d already dialogued about this same issue and it hadn’t worked. i was angry that it felt like i’d not really had my feelings heard and that the process failed to make a change. So we ended up going partway through it, getting angry about it, and tossed it aside and just got mad.

…and we made it through.

What we learned, what we hadn’t learned last time we dialogued, was that Maximus and i were speaking different languages. He was speaking to me in a language that made Him feel thoughtful and caring and attentive, but i received the message as cold and a list of excuses, justifications on just how many things had more priority than i did. At one point, where we had the epiphany, Maximus explained that He always said GOT which was all encompassing that He was thinking about me, missing me, and loved me; but i exclaimed, “Then tell me You’re thinking about me, miss me, and love me! Tell me that! GOT doesn’t mean that to me.”

Aha!

The Five Love Languages

Interestingly enough, i had started reading, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman the day before. i’d seen a reference to it a few weeks ago. Chapman counsels that there are five ways people speak and understand emotional love:

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Physical Touch

People have a primary love language, or primary way of communicating and receiving love–it is that thing that makes you feel proof that someone loves and cares for you. If your mate communicates in their way, but it is not the way you prefer to receive love, you may feel shorted and unimportant. And, in turn, if you continually communicate your love to your partner in a way you prefer but they do not, you feel like you try and try and try and never get appreciated for all the things you’ve done to prove your love to them. And sometimes, one mate gets it right and the other wrong, leaving one feeling fulfilled and happy, and the other partner frustrated. Gosh, this sounded so familiar!

Interested in learning more, i found a quiz to help identify my primary and secondary love languages from The 5 Love Languages website. In doing this, i found that my primary love language was Receiving Gifts and secondary was Quality Time. In addition, the least desirable language for me was Acts of Service. i had an inkling after reading the chapters that this might be the case. i also considered Maximus’ languages, and thought it would be Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation.

So when we had the epiphany that we were having a language problem, i shared about The 5 Love Languages with Maximus, described what it was, what it meant, and what my languages were. And it made sense to us. i told Him that i had an idea what His were, but i wanted Him to take the quiz anyway; Maximus asked that i not tell Him what i thought they were until He’d taken the quiz, as not to bias Him.

Well i was wrong! Maximus’ languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time. More interestingly, is that his least desirable language is Receiving Gifts! So we are actually 180-degrees from each other. No wonder we feel this disconnect. No wonder Maximus is so frustrated when i say i just don’t feel important while He’s worked and worked and tried and tried to prove it to me–we’re not speaking the same language.

Remember the Golden Rule? “Do unto others as they would have done unto you”? Well i think that’s flawed, always have. It should read, “Do unto others as they would have done unto THEM”! Right? If someone tries to reward you with a foot massage because that’s what they love but you’re horribly ticklish, to the point that having your feet touched is torture, how is that the right thing for them to do??

So i have been showing my love how i needed it, by gifts of time, gifts of texts, material things, small and large, free or expensive, to communicate to Maximus just how much i loved Him–and then often disappointed that it didn’t seem to have the effect i wanted. And i’ve been waiting for those things in return.

This has been enlightening for us. And it makes sense. So now we are studying this, and working to learn how to show our love to each other in the language the other best receives. And you know, i’m the one having the struggle with how to do it. Maximus has been happy and has felt fulfilled, with a full love tank, but i know i’ve been communicating my love to him in the least desirable way. So, i have just flat out told Him i need His help to think of ways i can show my love to him through service, and He’s going to work on that for me.

Do you ever learn something and think, “Well, duh, that makes sense. Why didn’t i know that before?”