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Feminism in Lifestyle and D/s

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Feminism is the ability to choose what you want to do – Nancy Reagan

i started writing this several months ago, and just hadn’t finished it. It’s something that comes up now and again in D/s…how does feminism fit in the lifestyle and aren’t you setting women back a century by submitting to a man? i even worried about this when Maximus and i were first starting.

For me, feminism is about having the choice to do whatever the hell it is you want to do rather than being held within the constraints of social expectation. The key word there is choice. As a feminist, i decide what it is i want to do, based upon my needs, wants, and desires. This is how i was raised–do whatever it is you want to do, the sky’s the limit. And this is how i have lived my life.

i never picked traditional visions for myself as a young girl. my dreams were to become a doctor, an astronaut, or work in public safety–none of these were “normal” choices when i was a girl. And i persevered, breaking into a non-traditional profession with a group of the first women in my place of occupation of all men. i was very successful and became the first woman to hold leadership where i worked, and climbed through the ranks to be a “leader of men” so to speak. i was great at it, it fit me, and i loved it.

And then i needed a change. It was my choice. i decided that this role was no longer feeding my soul, but service, a big part of what i did in that occupation, certainly did. Maximus offered me the opportunity to pursue that with Him, and after careful consideration, i retired and came to be with Him in our 24/7 CEO/COO D/s relationship.

i know for many my choice makes no sense to them. How could i go from a “position of strength” to a “position of weakness”–essentially throwing away my feminist power? The truth is, i didn’t. i’m not weak, i’m not helpless, i didn’t throw away my power–i discovered how to use my strengths and power in a way that serves both Maximus and me. And i chose it, because i have the power to make choices in my life.

Maximus is my Dominant and i am His submissive, but it is my responsibility to make sure this household runs smoothly and efficiently. i run the tactical side of our house while He runs the strategic side–that is my service to Him. He does not micromanage me, He certainly hasn’t got time for that, and i operate within defined parameters with my autonomy intact, able to make decisions. Maximus desired me for my strength and leadership, someone He could delegate to, and would never want me to be a shrinking violet, requiring huge amounts of direction.

Being His submissive allows me to use my skills, all my non-traditional skills i have acquired and developed throughout my life. And it allows me to embrace my femininity, something i pushed away during my career. To me, it feels more balanced, and i am happier. Does it negate my earlier life? No, i think it honors it, that i can continue to use those skills to help others and myself.

i suppose this is rambling, but the key to it is that this was my choice, not an expectation i bowed down to. This is why i characterize my submission as a gift (which is another area of contention with many others in D/s). First, i am gifted as a submissive, it is my gift or talent, and i use it to serve. Second, it was my choice to give my submission to Maximus, a gift i gave freely and fully, not to be taken back. i believe this is the greatest attribute to feminism, the choice to decide what is best for ourselves, and to do it unapologetically, loud and proud.

Categories: 24/7, balance, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, feminism, submissive, submissive housewife, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Tags: | 1 Comment

Reflections on Desire, Part 2

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A Fantasy Fulfilled

As noted in my last post, we had themes for our Afternoon Orgy parties at Desire. One of the themes, Eyes Wide Shut, was specifically for me. This fantasy was spurred by something i saw the first time i went to a swingers’ club, Club Sesso, in Portland (which is now closed). During that trip, we (my ex-husband and i) encountered a man leading his wife around the club–wearing a man’s blazer, stiletto heels, and blindfolded. He would set her someplace, in our case, the orgy bar, and invite people to come play with her. The stipulation was that no one was supposed to let her know who they were, during or after playing with her. He invited us to play with her, but it was just too uncomfortable for me at that point in my swinging, so i declined, however, One Guy went and played with her tits.

That memory has stuck in my mind for all the years since that night. It disturbed me at first, and for a while afterward. i think the thing that bothered me the most when thinking about myself in that position was that i didn’t actually trust One Guy. i really didn’t. i didn’t trust that he’d make good decisions about the people playing with me or how they played with me.

i encountered another similar situation with Maximus three years ago at Kinkfest. i can’t believe i didn’t write about it in my post, Being Kinky, as it triggered feelings again. In this Dungeon scene, a woman was naked, blindfolded, her arms bound at the wrists and pulled up over her head and tied to a scaffolding. On the scaffolding was a sign asking people to play with her, instructing people to don exam gloves and use lube for any clit or pussy play. Her master was standing near her, watching out for her. Once again, i declined to play, still unsure of how i felt about it, but watched Maximus play a little with her.

These two scenes have rolled around in my head for years. i know i had trust issues. But after being with Maximus and really trusting Him, i became more and more intrigued with the idea. We have done sensory deprivation play together, which i love. i love being blindfolded in scenes and visually not knowing what is coming, using only my hearing. But i really love having my ears plugged while being blindfolded, really not knowing what is coming next and actually hearing a cock slamming into me internally, it’s the craziest, most amazing sound! We’d actually done some sensory deprivation play with Sunflower and Mountain Man, and also at one of M&S’s house parties, but i knew the identities of who was playing with me.

When we were coming up with orgy themes, Maximus and i started talking about including sensory deprivation play. And suddenly, the idea of it really turned me on. i asked if we could have a scene for me where i was blindfolded, ears plugged, Him near as a gatekeeper watching over me, where people, men and women, could come play with me. The catch was that i couldn’t know who they were, during or after, and when they were done, they were to sign their name on my body with markers.

So the day came for the Eyes Wide Shut orgy. i was so turned on. my pussy literally dripped down my legs as we were walking upstairs to the hot tub area! i sat on the bed and Maximus and i reviewed the scene. He asked if there was anything i did not want to happen during the scene and i asked that all cocks needed to be in condoms for intercourse (including His so i could not determine whether it was Him fucking me or someone else), no anal, and no men cumming in my mouth. i also asked Him to use His judgment to decide who had access to play with me. He agreed and said He’d be no more than four feet away at all times. He blindfolded me and i put the earplugs in and laid back on the cool sheets of the hot tub beds.

i laid there for a long time with the breeze gently caressing my body. It worried me that no one was playing with me, no one touching me. i worried that maybe we had set up a scene that was too scary for others. i spent a lot of time in my head worrying about it. i asked Maximus if we were freaking people out and He removed an ear plug and replied, “there is a lot of interest, be patient.” Ah, this scene was about learning to be patient, something i struggle with, and Maximus is helping me to learn.

Finally, i feel hands. They tweeked my nipples, caressed my body. A mouth, lips, tongue, nibbling teeth. And then they were gone. But then, a sensation of cold, wet, scratchy-tickling–the marking pen inscribing my skin! It tickled, i giggled and wiggled! Another mouth, this time kissing me. Fingers on my clit and in my pussy…then a cock fucking me. Another tickling signature. Over and over, mouths and fingers, exploring, pinching, caressing, and then tickling signatures. After the signatures, i felt my legs positioned, opening my pussy toward what i knew was the gawking eyes of those in the hot tub–Maximus was displaying me. No more worrying, no thoughts or concerns about who or what, just reveling in the sensation–the breeze, the touches, the freedom of not having to choose or control. It wasn’t subspace, but freespace, i guess, something just below, being carried on a breeze, fully enjoying sensations, but still present.

i had thoroughly enjoyed myself and it was time to conclude our scene. All of a sudden i got hot and told Maximus i was ready to be done. He sat me up carefully, held me as He removed my earplugs but left my blindfold on. He stood me up and told me to stay holding onto one of the bed posters while He left to get a towel to wrap me in, but my knees were buckling, so i gently knelt onto the ground, still holding onto the poster. He wrapped me in the towel, gave me a sip of water, helped me up, and walked me blindfolded down the many stairs and back up to our room. It was there that He finally removed the blindfold and revealed my marked up body in the mirror:

Wow! There were a lot more signatures than i expected! And, because it tickled so much when people signed, i looked like i’d been attacked by a 6 year-old with markers! i couldn’t read the signatures, had no reference to know who was who.

After some time regaining my composure, Maximus took me back up to the hot tub, this time not blindfolded. He had me wander through the crowded hot tub to feel everyone’s eyes on me. Some people asked about it, about what the ink marks all were about. A lot of those reactions were good, interested, some had seen from a distance but not understood what was going on. Many were friends, and i wondered if they were owners of some of the signatures and were just acting like they had no idea so i wouldn’t know they had played with me. Some were uncomfortable about it, like i had been years ago, so i understood. Some thought it was non-consensual and that had concerned them until i explained the consent process and agreements Maximus and i had made prior. Many others said nothing, gave me odd looks, turned away. It was interesting to me, this range–all the feelings i had felt over the years were being displayed in this hot tub.

Maximus agreed to let me go back to the room and wash off the signatures. The colors ran down my body and swirled onto the floor of the shower. It had been a marvelous scene.

Categories: Desire, Orgy, patience, sensory deprivation play, Sex resort, submissive, Swingers resort, trust | Leave a comment

Our First Six Months…Oh How We’ve Grown!

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i can’t believe it’s been six months already! A couple of weeks ago i pulled up our contract to get ready to review it before Maximus and i were going to be together, which is our ritual, and i noticed that our contract was set to expire April 30th, our six month D/s anniversary. i was so surprised by this! i texted Maximus about it and ended with, “i’d like to continue the contract” and He replied, “So would I.” Whew! And then suggested that we renew our contract on the beach when we are in Hawaii this upcoming week. i am delighted in this!

i went through our contract and made revisions to reflect where we are now. i was surprised to see quite a few areas where we have grown and changed, especially in our BDSM Activities List–things that were hard limits were not hard limits anymore, in fact, many of them were much desired activities now.

Maximus called me from His business trip to go over the revisions and we went through the contract together. He had texted earlier that He had “lots of feedback” on the revisions–yikes! It turned out ok and we had some great discussion about the contract and our relationship, where we started, where we’ve been, what we need to work on.

The first revision we made was to eliminate my termination clause. Okay, okay, i know you just yelled at your computer, “What the hell is she thinking?!?!!!” Remember, our contract, our D/s relationship grew out of our Big R Relationship, is built on love and the principle of GOT. We have a commitment to each other that is beyond this contract, therefore, a clause to end our relationship is contradictory to our commitment. The second revision was to eliminate Maximus’ termination clause. Our commitment to each other is such that we will work through problems and issues and not terminate our relationship. Our contract is always available for revision and should parts of our D/s relationship change, our contract will change to reflect this, but the Relationship will remain intact.

We had quite a bit of discussion about the next clause:

…the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

Maximus asked if that meant if He did not want a conversation to continue or if He wanted me to stop behaving in a certain manner whether He could instruct me to stop…and i said, “Yes, absolutely. You’ve always had that authority, but You’ve rarely used it.” There have been times where He has asked me to stop a direction of discussion that was not fruitful, in the case of disagreements, and there have been times where He has instructed me not to drive home, instructed me to stay, etc. and i’ve always complied. i mentioned it would be helpful for Him to use this clause when i get worried and anxious about relationship issues and want to flee.

Next, we decided to change the term of our contract to 12 months rather than six. We decided on the first six month time limit because this was new and we didn’t know what to expect from it. Now that we know more about ourselves, our relationship, D/s, Power Exchange relationships, we are both comfortable and desire a longer term to our contract. Our intention is to make our Hawaii trip an annual event for us to renew our commitment to and contract with each other.

We laughed at the next revision! Our contract originally stated that time between [being physically together] shall not extend greater than one month’s time. We both laughed because we know that we cannot have more than a couple of weeks between time together without going absolutely crazy, therefore it was not necessary to have that in our contract. This was put into our contract because we’d had a five-week absence from each other in August, before our relationship moved from friendship to committed Relationship, and it was completely unbearable–it really helped us realize our feelings for each other, but we NEVER wanted to go through that long of an absence ever again. Now that it’s impossible for either of us to be apart for that long, it’s not necessary to have in the contract–it’s a given.

The next clause that was removed had to do with travel arrangements. It was very difficult for me to accept Maximus’ desire to pay for my travel expenses, use frequent flyer/guest points, etc. to comp accommodations. i have learned that it gives Him great pleasure to take care of these things. Maximus does not balk when i do special things for Him and i needed to learn not to balk when He does special things for me–and i have. In addition, Maximus has learned to accept that He is with someone who wants to contribute, has the means to contribute, and finds it important to contribute–He’s never had that before in a relationship. We removed language that required discussion of travel expenses and my acceptance of the use of His travel program points–this has been a big step for both of us in our growth and Maximus was very pleased with this.

i was very shocked at the clause that Maximus was most concerned about, something that never bothered Him before in all the times we reviewed our contract:

The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

He noted that He was very shocked that this was in our contract, that i would give such power to Him. Wow! This totally blew me away! To me, this is the basis of a D/s relationship and to remove this was to remove the very foundation of our Total Power Exchange. He was very concerned that it gave Him too much power and requested that i remove it. He was not concerned that He would abuse His power, but that He was surprised that someone would so willingly put themselves at risk for abuse of power. i explained to Him that yes, it did give Him complete power and that i gave it to Him out of complete and absolute trust. i trusted that He would use this power responsibly and not abuse it, and that was my ultimate gift to Him. He agreed to leave this in our contract after our discussion and my explanation. It was very interesting to me that this clause triggered Him so–i never would have expected that after these past six months of operating within these parameters of our existing contract. i very much appreciated His concern and candor about something so fundamental to our relationship. It was very worthy of discussion and really reinforced my commitment to our power exchange relationship

Our next discussion was about our communication rules. We both freely admit that we need to do better in this area and follow the terms of our contract that were written specifically to aid in conflict resolution. Our contract reads, in part:

Both parties agree to work through disagreements rather than dissolve this agreement. Disputes or disagreements shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time during disputes or disagreements. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication.

If communication fails completely, both parties can take the discussion “To The Locker Room.” The Dominant and the submissive agree that this should be the last alternative and only to be used in the rarest of occasions, if at all.

Unfortunately, while we have all this beautiful language, we have occasionally raised our voices and yelled, failed to begin and end with I/i love Y/you, failed to cue each other with safewords to indicate frustration levels, and have held heated arguments on the court rather than taking it to the Locker Room. Honestly, it was a relief to hear Maximus say that He too had failed to observe our contractual agreements in this area, as i have been feeling very guilty about my communication failures. We have promised each other to be more cognizant of this and to follow our contract in order to keep our communication respectful and productive, the way it has intended to work.

Finally came the fun stuff–my BDSM Activities List! We laughed and giggled throughout this section as our boundaries have so clearly moved outward this past six months. Our level of trust has increased exponentially, allowing us both to share our deepest, darkest secret desires and experience things we only dreamed of but never shared with anyone before. And with this sharing of desires, we have been able to make many of these dreams come true. We have no fear in sharing our desires, and this is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And it’s not because of the BDSM Activities List that this came about, it’s because of the frank discussions we’ve had in building our Relationship, developing our contract, communicating, and learning about ourselves and each other. Its through building of ultimate trust.

So our contract has been agreed upon and is ready for us to sign. We will be taking this with us to Hawaii and share our own personal commitment ceremony together on the beach to renew our contract and bond. Maximus has made some requests for things to be included in this ceremony and i have asked to re-present His ring to Him as part of my commitment to Him. i am just in awe of this extraordinary thing we have.

GOT 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, lifestyle, Living M/s, M/s, relationship, submissive | 1 Comment

Fear

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i recently came across The Submissive Guide, a website for mentoring submissives.  This site has a lot of great information, including articles, videos, and book reviews, but i discovered something great on the site–submissive Journal prompts. Sometimes i lack for topics to journal about and oftentimes i don’t know what i don’t know, so these prompts are great to get me thinking about things.

i signed up to get journal prompts delivered via email and the first batch came in yesterday. i decided to start with this first prompt:

“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” – a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.

i thought this was a very excellent topic, and timely for me. Relationship fears are something i struggle with, despite frequent reassurance from Maximus. i’ve not been very successful in marriage, having been divorced twice, and i carry fear of relationship failure around with me like i’m dragging an anchor. This anchor of fear does two things, first, it causes me to have a sense of disbelief that i am in a wonderful relationship with Maximus, and second, it causes me to yank on the anchor chain to test that it’s still there dragging behind me.

Disbelief

Maximus is truly the most amazing man i’ve ever been with. He is everything that i would ever desire in a partner, and more. i’m not saying this to butter Him up, but truly, He is kind, confident, honest, intelligent, accomplished, generous, humorous, fit, social, adventurous, communicative, sexy and sexual, trusting, etc., etc., etc. He is my biggest fan and i’ve not ever had that before in a partner. i am so proud to be with Him, to be associated with Him, and never ever believed i would find that in my life. i had pretty much resolved that i was done with committed relationships after my second divorce and just planned to have casual, sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Maximus changed that for me and i will be forever grateful that He did.

But i find myself with disbelief that i could find someone so wonderful, that finds me wonderful. i sometimes think it’s just a matter of time before He realizes i’m not what He needs or wants and ends the relationship. i’ve thought both of my marriages were “the one” and i was wrong–why would this be so different? i wait for the other shoe to drop.

Yanking the Chain

chainFrom this disbelief, i find myself acting out sometimes, testing my theory of disbelief. It’s not deliberate, mind you, but something i look back upon and see in hindsight and embarrassment. i push buttons, make assumptions, look for signs taken out of context proving my fear. And i hate that. It’s miserable for both of us when that happens.

And He’s still here. Not everyone would be.

A Shame to Remain So

What this quote means to me? It means i need to stop dragging this anchor of disbelief. It’s time to pull it up and sail freely and go where the wind takes us. It is shameful for me to wrap this chain around our relationship, restricting it and risking pulling it underwater to drown. It’s shameful to yank on the chain to test an anchor that doesn’t need to be set or dragged.

my anchor should be us, Maximus and me together.  my safe, my strength, my truth, not my fear.

anchor

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, fear, submissive, submissive journal, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide | Leave a comment

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

Living Vicariously through Him

i’m so excited! It’s like i have a date, but i don’t…Maximus does and living vicariously through Him has got me so turned on!

Maximus is meeting with E & e tonight, the BDSM couple we met together for a meet and greet a month ago when i was up at His home. Our meeting went great and we’ve been wanting to get together, but our schedules didn’t mesh. Tonight, however, worked for the three of them and i encouraged them to get together. And i’m soooo excited!

Maximus had some concerns last week about it. He mentioned during our Skype call after the Dom text that i wrote about in Humor, the Double-edged Sword, that He was thinking about excusing Himself after having dinner with them, making an excuse that The Englishman was staying at His home and needed to attend to His guest. This was a radical change for Him, as we’ve been talking about His date with E & e for weeks, and both of us have been excited about it. It was late, it’d been a hard evening, so i didn’t pressure Him to talk about it. i did send Him a little email later, though, to check with Him and reassure Him.

So some thoughts on what You said about getting together with E & e….because, well, You know, thoughts are what i do…
my thought is that You are concerned about getting together with them after me getting upset about the Dom text yesterday. Being with E & e is not the same thing. E is her Dom. You are being invited in to help him with a scene. You will be participating (of course!!) but you are not becoming her dom nor are you becoming E’s sub. You would be most certainly doing things that are BDSM, but you are not becoming her dom. Clear distinction.
This is the eggshells concern…You not doing something You would normally do based on a recent conflict that is not related to or the same as this event at all. Misapplication of learning…
i would love for You to go. i think You, and W/we, could learn some things from them, and particularly when You are there solo. i find it exciting to learn from You what You learned from them. And they’ve made arrangements and plans to be with You.
i will never force You to do anything You weren’t comfortable with. i don’t want the reason for backing out to be because You are concerned it will upset me, when i’m clearly stating it will not. i have fantasized about it all day. Now if You get there and it’s scary and You want to leave, by all means, run! i promise you, if I had 1/10,000,000th of an inkling of concern about You going i would tell you—and i think You know by now that i WOULD (and whatever warped analysis i’d twisted it into)!
i appreciate that You want me with You. Everything is more special when W/we share it together. But i cannot be there. i want You to be able to continue to play solo, as i have, and it does not diminish what W/we have together. If You decide to go and have a great time, W/we will most certainly spend time together with them when my schedule allows.
i love you
GOT
g

Maximus wrote back the next morning and thanked me for the email. We spoke later and He shared that it wasn’t necessarily the exchange about the Dom text that was concerning Him, it was an issue with JB and the upcoming divorce proceedings that had rattled Him that had decreased His desire to play separately with E & e. However, after my email and some time to reflect, He wanted to keep His date with them–AND i’m SO HAPPY FOR IT!

Hopefully i’m not putting too much into this date between the three of them, but it is exciting that He will have some time with another BDSM couple in D/s that have been involved in this for quite some time. i am excited to learn from them, excited for Maximus to learn some things, see how another D/s couple interacts, and be able to do that without me there so He can show me things as His, incorporate them into our play, and not feel like i’ve watched Him be trained. It’s almost hard for me to explain. But i think that’s the crux of it, i want Maximus to have an opportunity to get some Dom training without me seeing Him get training. i think He’s wonderful and perfect, don’t get me wrong–we’re both new and don’t know what we don’t know sometimes.

And i can’t wait for the phone call tonight where He tells me all about it…We’ve done that before, shared post-date details with each other by phone immediately afterward and it is HOT HOT HOT! That was before D/s, so it will be interesting what spin and parameters He puts on me while He tells me about it–as i usually masterbate and have great orgasms while He tells me the stories.

i’ll share details tomorrow.

Categories: BDSM, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive, training | Leave a comment

GOT

Maximus created something in His heart for us months and months ago to describe to me His intensions, His feelings, His committment, and that is GOT. i think i’ve mentioned GOT in several posts but had never described it, feeling it was too personal to share outside the two of us, but i need to describe it now for this post.

GOT is “Growing Old Together.” It is a shared vision of ours, from Maximus’ heart to mine, that is the answer to any question i may ever have–when i remember to answer my questions with it. And you may remember that i struggled with GOT initially, especially in Fight #1 of the Battling it Out post. i’ve not had anyone ever promise to stay until the end actually stay to the end, so this takes a lot for me. i trust Maximus with all my heart, and i do believe Him, i just have flashes of things from previous relationships that cause me worry–and they’re things about me and my personality that make me question His ability to stay with me, not the other way around. i’m not easy and i know that.

My last post, Humor, the Double-edged Sword, ended with that. i’ve been sick, Maximus has been traveling, i’m feeling off-sorts all over. He sent me an email to tell me what a nice job i’d done on my blog post and that He knew it was difficult to write. All i could focus on was that He didn’t mention all the questions at the end as i had sent myself reeling with them. He texted later and i told Him i was having a hard time after writing the blog, that it brought more questions than answers. He replied, “Easy answer for me. GOT.”

But i feel i’m going to destroy this wonderful thing we have. “I’m just having a hard time worried that you’ve picked me and i’m bad news.”

“Funny. You are not able to do that. Funny. If you fully understand GOT and you do, then its not possible. So so easy to answer. GOT. Explain that. That is my answer.” He replied

There were some other exchanges of mine, trying to justify my concerns, which ended with His text, “So no more thinking you are going to mess this up. I’m going to write above your ass GOT.”

“GOT” was my answer. To which He responded, “Perfect and only answer.”

He Skyped later and we talked more. Well, He talked to me about how adorable He finds it that an highly educated, intelligent, beautiful woman could over-analyze herself into Analysis Paralysis. He does understand my history and understands how things can flash us back to past hurtful memories, but they are just that, past hurtful memories and not now. And He’s right, at no time in my past have i had a relationship like this, fully trusting with such complete and honest communication that has no recoil. None of our conversations, none of our fears have ever been used as ammunition as they have in previous relationships–this is not previous or past, this is now, this is GOT.

Again, a posting from Tarq from Whips, Chains, & Duct Tape

A True Master will fight for his submissive. He will not give up on her. He will seek her face to fill his day with happiness. When she falls in the darkest times of her life, He will go anywhere needed to bring her back–He wouldn’t care how much it will take, but He will get his girl back no matter what. If she is lost …He will guide her through the darkness. If she is in danger He will be her bodyguard. If she is sad…He will be her smiles that adorn her lips. If she is happy…He will be sharing the joy with her. When she loses her faith…He will be her bible that she can hold into.  If she lost her trust on the world…He will be her world. His eyes will show how determined He is, His spirit is not going to be defeated. Giving up on her is not even an option, she is going to be cherished, protected, disciplined, guided, and loved. No matter the obstacles along the way, no matter the people that will try to destroy what they have, no matter how life is pushing back…everything will be shattered on the strength of His willpower and His strong heart that will look to the whole world in the eye and say “I will stand by My girl and will be there for her no matter what.”

Maximus is a True Master. my GOT. my answer.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | 1 Comment

Humor, the Double-edged Sword

It’s been a very emotional week, full of highs and lows, and yes, some conflict. While i know i’ve said that healthy conflict is good, that it causes people to learn and grow, i’m feeling weary of it today. It’s probably due to being sick with tonsillitis, i’m exhausted.

Maximus came down this weekend, which was wonderful. We had a marvelous time! i haven’t blogged about that yet because i’ve been too tired to write, and now we’ve had some conflict and i need to write about that too. So i’m going to write about the conflict first and get it out of my system.

Last night Maximus had a dinner date with Lele–totally cool. He and Lele have been friends for years, played together with their respective spouses. Lele has been a great friend to Maximus during His divorce and He to her with some relationship issues she’s been having. They’ve not slept together for some time. She has, however, used His house to be with lovers when He was away. He and Lele have been talking about throwing a play party at Maximus’ house.

During dinner, i got a text from Maximus that as He predicted, Lele had decided to leave her husband. He added, “she is also getting into BDSM, too funny. I told her about you. She’s in the bathroom so will talk more later.” It was really so nice to hear from Maximus that He’d told Lele about me, as our relationship has been under wraps until recently due to divorce issues. i looked forward to hearing from Him later.

He texted again asking about the availability of two weekends in January for the play party. We settled on a date and exchanged my contact info with Lele so we could chat. When they were done, He texted that He had some errands to run but “lots to share” and would call me as soon as He was done running around.

An hour later, i got a picture text of something black on white marble that i couldn’t recognize that said simply, “trophy.”

 i replied, “Don’t understand.”

Maximus wrote back, “No sex but I got her underwear. Dom move. hehe.”

i felt my blood instantly drain. Dom move?!? She tells Him at dinner she’s into BDSM and He’s now Domming her?!? This violates one of the first rules in our contract–i am His only sub!

“YOU ARE NOT HER DOM,” i texted back furiously. i had inquired where that picture was taken and He’d replied, Crate and Barrel.

“Yes, my bad. Wrong very wrong term. Will explain in the car in a few mins. My poor attempt at humor.” Maximus replied.

“YOU BET IT WAS. It’s not funny and never will be. Do you get it,” i answered.

Maximus returned, “Yes, very poor humor. So so wrong of me.”

“But you did it anyway. And dommed her in Crate and Barrel. Dick move.”

“No, she left already. I took the pic there to be funny.” said Maximus.

Maximus told me He was going to call me from the car, which i told Him i would refuse to answer. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk about it, i refused to have this conversation with Him while He was driving. First, it’s not safe. Second, the connection is never good while moving, words get jumbled, calls get dropped, and it’s poor communication at best and extremely frustrating to me. Third, i want His full attention and don’t want Him multi-tasking and not using His entire brain for this discussion. So we had about 15 minutes of back and forth about this topic alone. He finally pulled over and parked in a parking lot to call.

i explained to Maximus that i felt so extremely hurt that He said that He’d Dommed Lele as it was an essential rule in our contract. The fact that it was made into a joke was even more hurtful, because i have the utmost honor for our contract and it means the world to me; using it as fodder for a joke made me feel like He didn’t respect our contract, our agreements, or our relationship. Furthermore, i was frustrated that while He has several pairs of trophy panties, none of them are mine and He’s never asked or taken any–i wondered why and felt hurt by the omission.

We had a lot of discussion. And it took a lot of work to make sure we stayed on topic, discussing THIS issue and not making His evening with Lele the issue. i had no problem with His dinner with Lele, i had issue with the text He sent and what that meant. He had not Dommed her, she had found a pair of panties in her coat pocket while they were at dinner and He asked to take them, as a joke. He was frustrated because He felt that by sending that text He had ruined the whole evening and wouldn’t be able to talk about anything they’d talked about at all. i assured Him that this was about the text. In fact if He made it into the whole evening and refused to talk about the rest of it later, i would be very upset and we’d have a whole new issue.

We resolved it and came up with some things to amend in our contract. It took quite a while to communicate. There was no yelling, again, so we’re applying lessons learned. And we’ve instituted a new rule of saying, “I/i love Y/you” at the start and end of each point of discussion. We took a break and He called back later so He could tell me about His evening, because i didn’t want it lumped into this discussion.

The thing is, these are exhausting. And i feel responsible for them. Maximus has told me over and over and over that 95% of the conflicts we will have will be because of something He’s done, not anything i’ve done. And i am just horrified by that statement–am i just that oversensitive to let anything go? Why would Maximus want to be with someone like that? i hate that it’s been me having issues with something He’s done, like i’m ruining a great thing. Why would He tie Himself to someone like that? He deserves better than a suspicious, oversensitive sub.

Categories: BDSM, communication, conflict, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | Leave a comment

The Pride of a Submissive

i’m borrowing this from Tarq from Whips, Chains & Duct Tape, because i found it beautiful and true. And a perfect conclusion to the past couple of posts about conflict and resolution.

The pride of a submissive is an amazing thing, when she looks at you, you don’t see a defeated woman, you see a victorious one that manged to conquer her fears and be true to her nature and destiny. When she faces judgments all around her, she holds her head high keeping her pride, knowing she made the right choice, something they fear to do themselves. When she opens her eyes you see the courage of a woman who is able to connect with her soul enough to be able to dedicate her life to someone else fully, undoubtedly, and without regrets. When you look at her, you don’t see weakness, shattered life, or broken heart…in fact you see passion, love, and spirit that refuses to surrender her goal of pleasing her Master. When you try to separate her from her Master by deceit, lies, and manipulation, you find yourself facing a wonderful fighter that resists and defends her happiness, her love, her submission, and her strong relationship with her Master because she knows where she is and she trusts herself and her Master. When she walks on streets or by your side, people look and both admire and envy you not because of how beautiful she is but because every move and gesture of her body shows how she is proud to be owned by you and how her pride manifests on her looks, moves, steps, and words. Be proud of who you are and take much pride in what you represent because unlike what some people tell you, you took a step that a lot of people would wet their pants by even the thought of taking it.
Categories: BDSM, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

Battling it Out

En Garde!

Note from gabriella: i’m writing this post because when writing Keeping the Bedroom Door Open i realized that i hadn’t blogged about a fight Maximus and i had, and i should add, i HATE calling it a fight. And when i thought about it, we really had two of them, one before we started this BDSM journey together and one right after we started. For the sake of having a complete journal of our relationship, i am including both of these here. We are in no means having problems, on the contrary, we are doing GREAT, and through these conflicts, we are learning how best to communicate with each other, as we both discovered when we worked through the issue in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open.
***

Maximus and i have had two fights. Well, i should say, i initiated two fights with Maximus. While i hate that we’ve had these fights and i really hate that i initiated them, we did learn a lot from them. There definitely could have been better ways to have dealt with the issues involved than for me to get angry, no, incensed. i work now to control the initial reaction of getting mad so we can have constructive discussions.

Fight #1
This wasn’t so much a fight as it was me walking out on Maximus, and i did walk out on Him.  This was actually a very critical event for us. i don’t think i’ve ever communicated to Maximus just how close we came from being finished forever. Timing was critical, Maximus’ timing, that is. Had He not arrived the moment He had, i would have been gone forever, and i don’t think He’s aware of this.

This occurred exactly a month before our talks about BDSM started. It’s strange to realize that, as when i was thinking about the timeline, it felt much further back in our history than that.

Sunflower had invited me to a fundraising concert she was organizing for the charitable organization she founded and runs, and asked if i would also join her and Mountain Man afterward at their after party at a very upscale hotel. The after party would transition into a swingers party when vanilla guests left, for the “real” after party, and they wanted me to join them and stay the night. i asked if i could bring a date (i’d only just met Sunflower and Mountain Man, and while i really liked them, i didn’t want to be a third wheel), and they thought that was great. i carefully brought up the topic with Maximus, as i knew one friend was going to be at the party, Z Baby, and figured Ms. W might be invited as well, and i didn’t want it to be a conflict for anyone for me to show up with Maximus as my date. Maximus had only just professed His love for me a mere few weeks prior and i was concerned about the reactions of Z Baby and Ms. W to this. He said He would love to be my date and we both wondered if Ms. W was going to be there. It turns out she was, and after some discussion, we decided that it would be great if all three of us would go together and get a room of our own in the same hotel. i’d met Ms. W. once before, really didn’t get to know her well, so i was looking forward to spending some time with Maximus’ dear friend and developing a friendship with her as well.

Ms. W was at Maximus’ home when i arrived; Maximus was swimming, so we had time alone together. This was intentional (at least between Maximus and me, i don’t think this was discussed between Maximus and Ms. W, in retrospect) for a couple reasons, first, Maximus really wanted to find the two of us playing together in His bed when He arrived home, and second, it would give us some one-on-one time to get to know each other. However, Ms. W was out of bed, in a bathrobe when i arrived, and it was very clear to me that she was not interested in playing. We visited while waiting for Maximus, but i never got the sense that she was very comfortable with me. She wasn’t adversarial in her conversation, but she was not agreeable, took opposite viewpoints, pointed out fundamental differences/flaws in my part of the conversations, held a negative tone, all of which made me uncomfortable. i worked very hard to find topics of conversation for us, looking for common ground, something we could discuss in a positive manner, hoping to make a connection with her, but just couldn’t achieve it. i was relieved when Maximus arrived…He was crestfallen that we were sitting at the dining table talking, not fucking in His bed.

We headed into town and spent the day walking around the city. i was my playful self and worked hard to include Ms. W in this, refusing to write-off a friendship with her. i clasped my arm in hers while we walked, pointed out items in stores and storefronts, told jokes and giggled, held her hand, but i just could not break through the proverbial ice.

We returned to the room, which was magnificent. Maximus had to run out and get wine and left us to get ready for the concert. This room was amazing, a clear pane glass wall separated the bedroom from a pedestal tub in the bathroom, which filled from a spout in the ceiling! All i wanted to do from the moment i saw that room was to take a bath. i told Maximus i was going to bathe and we whispered and giggled about me including Ms. W in it. i told Him i wasn’t sure if she was going to go for that, from the vibes i was getting from her, and i questioned whether she really was bi-sexual, as He had told me. But Maximus encouraged me to try, saying that she was very submissive and that i just needed to initiate it. i filled the tub and invited her to take a bath with me, which she agreed to with some hesitation. i got in and she followed, sitting at the other end with her arms crossed tightly over her breasts. Ugh. i did finally get her to turn and washed her back, but that was the extent of it. Maximus joined the two of us briefly when He returned, but by then the water was getting chilly and we stepped out.

Ms. W just didn’t appear happy at the concert; she plugged her ears, didn’t get up and dance around or clap as Sunflower, me, Mountain Man, or Maximus did. She clung to Maximus at intermission while i flitted about meeting people, which is what i do. i just felt bad about it. i realized then that we were just so different and that while we could be together in a purely social situation, we just weren’t going to be friends, no matter what i tried. i had gotten the same vibes when we’d first met several months before. i decided that i would talk to Maximus about it the next day after Ms. W left.

We then arrived at the party. We were late, having stopped for dinner beforehand, and the party was in full swing when we got there. Ms. W never let go of Maximus and i simply joined into the action, as i love swinger parties and was getting a lot of great attention (see Objectify me about this). Ms. W gave Mountain Man a two hour blow job while he was tied down to a massage table (i bound his hands with a handcuff knot and tied them down to the table early on in the evening) but she did not play otherwise. Maximus found me at several times during the evening to check in and told me He loved me. i had a great time! Eventually, however, i was tired and as Ms. W was still working on Mountain Man, i told Maximus i was great, spent, tired, and was headed down to our room; i assured Him i was fine, which i was.

When i was in the room, i started to reflect on Ms. W. i was a bit befuddled because Maximus assured me that she liked me from the first time we’d met, even though i told Him didn’t feel great vibes coming from her then. Out of curiosity, to see what she really did think, i picked up Maximus’ cell phone to check their texts to see if it would give me insight. Maximus had given me carte blanche access to His cell phone, email, calendar, day timer, etc. and i’d never taken Him up on that before. i didn’t see anything to cue me in on her thoughts on me, in fact i wasn’t discussed at all, but what i did find was a  plan for them to get together on a date that Maximus told me He had to be home for an appointment–it was my birthday. He’d been down for several days prior i had thought He was staying through my actual birthday and i’d made plans, only to surprisingly find out that He was leaving the day before. i’d asked Him if it was for another date, and He assured me it was not.

i exploded inside. HOW DARE HE! i stormed over to His day timer and saw that He did indeed have her down on my birthday. He’d promised to never lie to me, assured me just a few weeks before on our trip to Vegas where He told me He loved me, and here it was, a lie, and on my birthday. No wonder she didn’t like me–he obviously loved her.

That was it, i had to go. i changed my clothes, packed my bag. i realized that i had the room key, that if i left, they’d have no way to get back in the room. So i wrapped the key in paper, wrote His name on it, went back up to the party room and slid the key under the door so He’d have it to get in. i returned to the room. i decided to check the texts and the day timer again to make sure i hadn’t read things wrong. i actually had looked at the previous year in the day timer, which had her down on my birthday, but it wasn’t written on this current year, which made me even more mad, that He’d intentionally omitted putting her on the calendar so i couldn’t see it. The texts, though, were clear. i started to the door and just as i reached the door handle, Maximus opened the door.

“Hey, you’re up!” He chimed. “i was just telling Ms. W how it was just like you to think about others, realizing that we’d not have a key, so you left one for us. You’re just so sweet!” And then He noticed my bag. i’d turned to get my jacket off the coat hook. “What’s going on?”

“i’m going home,” i said.

“What? Why? What’s going on?” He asked rapid fire.

“You lied to me.” i told Him. i turned to face Ms. W and asked, “Where did you sleep the night of [my birthday]?”

“I was at Maximus’.” she replied.

“You lied to me.” i repeated to Maximus. “You said You had to go home for an appointment. i asked You if it was for a date and You said no. i read your texts.”

“i had nowhere else to stay.” Ms. W started.

i stopped her. “This isn’t about you, Ms. W, this is about Him.”

“No, stay.” He pleaded. “How are you getting home? Your car is at My house.”

i told Him i was taking a cab to His house, getting my car and driving home. “You promised to never lie to me,” and i walked out the door.

i expected Him to chase after me. But He didn’t. i sat on the bench at the elevator lobby for a long time, sobbing. i sobbed because i was angry, because He’d lied, because He didn’t chase after me. Because it meant the death of some very special plans. i don’t know why, but after about 15 minutes, i went back to the room and quietly knocked.

Maximus opened the door, pale, face pained, “I’m so glad you’re back.”

“i don’t want to talk about it right now,” i stated as i entered.

“Tell her what i told you,” Maximus said to Ms. W as i walked back in. “Tell her what i said.”

Ms. W looked at me painfully and said quietly, “He said He felt like He’d just gotten His balls cut off.”

i couldn’t even look at either of them. i took off my clothes and got into bed. Maximus was in the middle, laying on His stomach, arms pinned underneath Him, a position i’ve never seen Him take in bed. It was as if He was terrified to touch either one of us, as if it would show preference to one or the other. i couldn’t stand it. i got up, my mind reeling, put on a robe and sat in the dark on the floor of the entry, typing notes into my phone for what to talk about. Maximus came to me, knelt on the floor and begged me to return to bed, but i refused, i couldn’t. i told Him to go back to bed, and He refused, stating He was going to lay on the floor with me until i came to bed. i needed to be alone, to write down my thoughts and i needed Him to give me the space to do that–i told Him this as He curled His body around mine on a heap on the floor.

“We need to talk about this and we need to talk about this without Ms. W here. We can’t talk now without her listening and it’s not about her,” i said. “Go back to bed, let me have my space. i have to get my thoughts written out, You know this, You have to let me do this. i’ll come back to bed when i’m done.”

The morning was awful, i felt terrible, brokenhearted. i took a 30 minute scalding shower–Maximus came in for a bit and tried to play but realized i wanted none of that. i got ready and waited for them in the lobby. Everything was pained. Maximus snapped at me at one point during the walk to breakfast, something about “oh what didn’t i communicate now?!?” and i quietly said, “stop…” i knew it was just a reaction, not like Him at all, but i didn’t want to have a fight in the middle of the city on a sidewalk with Ms. W. We returned to Maximus’ home and Ms. W left leaving us alone.

We sat outside on His patio and talked about what happened, my issues.

Here are my notes from my phone:

This is MY issue.

i enjoyed the event and party. This has nothing to do with that. i didn’t return to our room because of any problem at the party…i was done and satisfied and wanted to have my space. That’s how i recharge.

This stems around:

  1. My trust issue that i didn’t realize was a problem until now
  2. Being scared about falling in love
  3. Lack of chemistry with Ms. W

i’m terrifed.

i felt scared when You told me You loved me. i didn’t tell You because it felt nice to have someone tell me they adored and loved me. i am afraid to be in love with You because being in love always consumes me.

i’m also worried that there has not been enough time for You to heal from JB. JB and Covert Ops are a lot of Your conversations with Ms. W. It is a big shadow for you both. i worry that i might be part of Your healing process, like a rebound, rather than a sustained relationship and my heart cannot handle that.

i’m having difficulty trusting. And i hate it. i’m not sure what to do about it. my trust issue is not related to people, my trust issue is in believing that we are legitimate. i think that stems from my fear of being consumed and then devastated if i’m wrong. i was wrong before.

i came back to the room legitimately to sleep. Party had lost my interest and i was bored. i had no trust problems there.

i was thinking about how i just wasn’t comfortable as a non-sexual or sexual threesome with Ms. W. For me, this is like taking one for the team. She isn’t interested in me. She’s not someone i would choose to be with socially or personally. She’s negative, passive. You ask me to basically force myself upon her. She’s so not interested and i’m not interested in uninterested people. i don’t break-in women. i feel like there is an expectation to make her into a bi-sexual woman.

When we’re all three together i don’t feel the Maximus i’m used to. i miss Your spontaneous touch and affection. It feels You are so worried about equity that its equal absence. i’m not comfortable in this threesome.

i DON’T feel uncomfortable with You and Ms. W without me. i DON’T feel uncomfortable with You and ANY other woman alone. i DON’T feel uncomfortable with you and i with another woman or couple where i have a connection.

i was curious what she really thought of me. i didn’t trust what You’d told me, that she liked me but was uncomfortable with cramps. It’s odd to me that she’s always on her period and “it’s awful” each time. So i decided to look at Your phone. That’s when i saw the thing about Tuesday. i was devastated and incensed. my heart broke.

The text from Airplane Girl about Tuesday while we were together was still on my mind. In fact, i was still unsettled by it.

While we were in Vegas, the plan to meet Boat Guy and Aussie Girl was for Monday or Tuesday of my birthday week because You’d be here through the morning of my birthday. Your schedule change to leave the day before my birthday was a total surprise to me. And it hurt my feelings frankly as it was a night to celebrate my actual birthday on my treat someplace special. It wouldn’t have been a big deal otherwise.

i like the distinction of the “who we came with rule” and coming all three of us doesn’t work. We did that rule with The Englishman but not Ms. W.

GOT. Why? What brought this? i don’t understand why this applies to me when You have been with Ms. W so much longer. Why isn’t she Your GOT?

What does this look like? Why me? Is this unique to me, or not? i don’t understand how our relationship differs from the one with Ms. W.

i want something that’s unique to me, i guess. And not meaning the acronym.

i want you to consider the perspective of this in the context of how You felt when Covert Ops was telling JB he loved her.

What happens when your divorces are final? What then? Where will she be (sounds like not where she is now). What is your relationship? What is her GOT? What does “tap tap” mean. Is that her GOT?

You said at one of our first times together that You didn’t know what You’d do if Ms. W fell in love with someone else. What if you two decide to have a traditional relationship. What about me? my heart will not take that. It scares me.

Ms. W asked me yesterday how long i’ve known You. It appears she knows little about me. i know a lot about her and her marriage and situation. Why is our knowledge about each other so different? What does that mean?

i’m not going to write out His responses to all of these questions, other to say that He answered all of my questions fully and without getting offended, and to a degree in which i was satisfied. He shared with me how our relationship differed from the one with Ms. W. Explained that while He had to leave early for an appointment, Ms. W was not the appointment, it just worked out that He was going to be home that evening because of that, and that allowed an opportunity for her to come over. We learned we needed to be better about communicating, especially in regards to getting together with other people, and needed to share our schedules fully, including coming up with a shared electronic calendar.

A lot our rules come from this weekend and the discussion we had. It uncovered a lot of issues, helped us discover and share our limits. Dishonesty is a hard limit, for both of us, and Maximus saw firsthand just how hard of a limit that is for me. It’s intolerable.

Maximus asked me never to leave Him like that again and i promised i wouldn’t. i didn’t have the heart to tell Him that had He not arrived just then, i would have been gone forever. i think Maximus’ impression was that i had been waiting by the door for Him, waiting for Him to stop me. That wasn’t the case. This blog post will be the first time He learns this, and it’s not that i held that deliberately from Him, but i couldn’t get the words out in front of Him without collapsing.

i’m thankful for some divine intervention that delayed me in that room long enough for Him to arrive.

Fight #2
This was a knock-down, drag-out fight…not in the physical sense, but in the angry, yelling, stomping, sobbing sense. Yes, i had a tantrum.

And it also dealt with a miscommunication about Ms. W. It’s frustrating to me that both of these fights and the frustrations we’ve had have been issues surrounding her. They aren’t issues ABOUT her per say, they have been our (my) issues about Maximus’ behavior that pop up, and my perceptions about what is going on. i’m not saying i’m perfect here…not at all! i over-analyze things and have had a tendency to assume the worst.

Maximus was traveling extensively during November. We Skyped, texted, and emailed a lot. This was when the topic of BDSM came up, so we were extremely chatty about that and terrifically turned on! We’d been texting and talking while He was at the airport. He’d been looking at toys and clothing and telling me to check certain websites. He was so aroused. The last thing Maximus texted before He had to shut off His phone for the flight was, “Be advised…Warning, Maximus is very very in need of gabriella. Round the world for sure. you will be wet from head to toe. It will look like you just got out of the shower. Continue in Chicago.” During His flight, i got a fantastic idea, and i texted Him while inflight, “gabriella could come service Him tonight if it would please Him…” i actually started packing, realizing i could beat Him to His home and be waiting for Him–i was super excited!

Unfortunately…when He landed, i received, “Maximus would love that but two homeless people will be there. The Englishman and Ms. W. Damn.” i was immediately mad. “So Ms. W get all Your ardor. Kinda pisses me off. Goddammit i can’t even be spontaneous with you because of Ms. W.” He asked me to be patient and i replied, “No! i’m tired of being patient about it. Officially pissed off. She has the primary relationship with you [referring to the clause in our newly agreed-upon contract that stated WE were each others primary relationships]. If i did, it would be no problem for me to come up. That’s fucking bullshit, Maximus. This is why i asked if she knew about us because she lives like she’s your wife.”

Maximus was trying to get to His gate for His next flight and i was impatient to talk (yell) at Him. “i promise waiting on this is not going to make it any better.” He replied, “I’m walking thru the fucking airport baby. Give me a break.”

i waited a bit and asked if He would talk. He replied, “I always want to talk with You. In the red carpet club downloading work messages before I have to get on my next flight. This conversation is over until I get in the car at home and can talk.” This infuriated me further as His last words before His last flight were about continuing our sex talk in Chicago…now He had to download work emails instead?!? I simply responded, “Goodbye. If work messages are more important than You made Your decision. i will never be second fiddle.”

“Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. There are 300 people here and there is no private place to talk. Please stop,” He responded. “i don’t think You get it. Then MOVE! Unless you are willing to let us go over first class waiting,” i added.

“My head is going to explode,” Maximus replied. i simply responded, “my heart already did.”

It was relationship hostage-taking at its worst, for both of us. i fired the first shot, however.

Maximus ended up moving and calling, but i had gotten into the car to drive anywhere…to get out because i felt like i was suffocating in my home. i pulled over in a school parking lot and started to talk, but Maximus kept interrupting me, defensive, which angered me and i started to yell. We weren’t communicating at all. We couldn’t hear and we couldn’t talk. The call ended in silence, which eventually cut off automatically. i sent Him a last text, “i’m really at a loss. Don’t know what to think. That was not the conversation i needed or wanted to have.” “Agree. Closing door. Will be drinking heavily.”

My heart sank. i couldn’t leave things this way. i really wanted to see Him and apologize for yelling, for throwing a tantrum. And really, some conversations are just better face to face than over Skype, text, phone, or email. So i decided to meet Him at the airport and made the three hour drive and met Him when He exited the secure area. “I knew you’d be here,” He smiled and giggled, embracing me, “I thought, gabriella’s a woman of action, she’ll be at the airport when i get there, and here you are.” i just apologized and sunk into the crook of His neck.

My plan was to talk at the airport and then drive home. i did NOT want to kick Ms. W out, but Maximus had already contacted her and she was going home, which made me feel awful. He insisted that i stay with Him, which i kept trying to convince Him wasn’t my intention of coming up, but He won over. We talked in bed, promised to communicate better, listened.

i’m not proud of my actions. i’m stubborn and hardheaded and tend to ramp myself up, something Maximus chalks up to my heritage. i’d like to say that we’ll never have conflict again, but i know we will. However, i’d really like to believe that we, i in particular, have learned through these experiences how to better communicate. We both feel that how we dealt with conflict in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open was a huge step, proof that we’ve grown. i do trust His love for me and commitment toward us and i hope He trusts mine as well.

Categories: BDSM, communication, conflict, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | Leave a comment

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