submissive

It’s been a very emotional week, full of highs and lows, and yes, some conflict. While i know i’ve said that healthy conflict is good, that it causes people to learn and grow, i’m feeling weary of it today. It’s probably due to being sick with tonsillitis, i’m exhausted.

Maximus came down this weekend, which was wonderful. We had a marvelous time! i haven’t blogged about that yet because i’ve been too tired to write, and now we’ve had some conflict and i need to write about that too. So i’m going to write about the conflict first and get it out of my system.

Last night Maximus had a dinner date with Lele–totally cool. He and Lele have been friends for years, played together with their respective spouses. Lele has been a great friend to Maximus during His divorce and He to her with some relationship issues she’s been having. They’ve not slept together for some time. She has, however, used His house to be with lovers when He was away. He and Lele have been talking about throwing a play party at Maximus’ house.

During dinner, i got a text from Maximus that as He predicted, Lele had decided to leave her husband. He added, “she is also getting into BDSM, too funny. I told her about you. She’s in the bathroom so will talk more later.” It was really so nice to hear from Maximus that He’d told Lele about me, as our relationship has been under wraps until recently due to divorce issues. i looked forward to hearing from Him later.

He texted again asking about the availability of two weekends in January for the play party. We settled on a date and exchanged my contact info with Lele so we could chat. When they were done, He texted that He had some errands to run but “lots to share” and would call me as soon as He was done running around.

An hour later, i got a picture text of something black on white marble that i couldn’t recognize that said simply, “trophy.”

 i replied, “Don’t understand.”

Maximus wrote back, “No sex but I got her underwear. Dom move. hehe.”

i felt my blood instantly drain. Dom move?!? She tells Him at dinner she’s into BDSM and He’s now Domming her?!? This violates one of the first rules in our contract–i am His only sub!

“YOU ARE NOT HER DOM,” i texted back furiously. i had inquired where that picture was taken and He’d replied, Crate and Barrel.

“Yes, my bad. Wrong very wrong term. Will explain in the car in a few mins. My poor attempt at humor.” Maximus replied.

“YOU BET IT WAS. It’s not funny and never will be. Do you get it,” i answered.

Maximus returned, “Yes, very poor humor. So so wrong of me.”

“But you did it anyway. And dommed her in Crate and Barrel. Dick move.”

“No, she left already. I took the pic there to be funny.” said Maximus.

Maximus told me He was going to call me from the car, which i told Him i would refuse to answer. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk about it, i refused to have this conversation with Him while He was driving. First, it’s not safe. Second, the connection is never good while moving, words get jumbled, calls get dropped, and it’s poor communication at best and extremely frustrating to me. Third, i want His full attention and don’t want Him multi-tasking and not using His entire brain for this discussion. So we had about 15 minutes of back and forth about this topic alone. He finally pulled over and parked in a parking lot to call.

i explained to Maximus that i felt so extremely hurt that He said that He’d Dommed Lele as it was an essential rule in our contract. The fact that it was made into a joke was even more hurtful, because i have the utmost honor for our contract and it means the world to me; using it as fodder for a joke made me feel like He didn’t respect our contract, our agreements, or our relationship. Furthermore, i was frustrated that while He has several pairs of trophy panties, none of them are mine and He’s never asked or taken any–i wondered why and felt hurt by the omission.

We had a lot of discussion. And it took a lot of work to make sure we stayed on topic, discussing THIS issue and not making His evening with Lele the issue. i had no problem with His dinner with Lele, i had issue with the text He sent and what that meant. He had not Dommed her, she had found a pair of panties in her coat pocket while they were at dinner and He asked to take them, as a joke. He was frustrated because He felt that by sending that text He had ruined the whole evening and wouldn’t be able to talk about anything they’d talked about at all. i assured Him that this was about the text. In fact if He made it into the whole evening and refused to talk about the rest of it later, i would be very upset and we’d have a whole new issue.

We resolved it and came up with some things to amend in our contract. It took quite a while to communicate. There was no yelling, again, so we’re applying lessons learned. And we’ve instituted a new rule of saying, “I/i love Y/you” at the start and end of each point of discussion. We took a break and He called back later so He could tell me about His evening, because i didn’t want it lumped into this discussion.

The thing is, these are exhausting. And i feel responsible for them. Maximus has told me over and over and over that 95% of the conflicts we will have will be because of something He’s done, not anything i’ve done. And i am just horrified by that statement–am i just that oversensitive to let anything go? Why would Maximus want to be with someone like that? i hate that it’s been me having issues with something He’s done, like i’m ruining a great thing. Why would He tie Himself to someone like that? He deserves better than a suspicious, oversensitive sub.

En Garde!

Note from gabriella: i’m writing this post because when writing Keeping the Bedroom Door Open i realized that i hadn’t blogged about a fight Maximus and i had, and i should add, i HATE calling it a fight. And when i thought about it, we really had two of them, one before we started this BDSM journey together and one right after we started. For the sake of having a complete journal of our relationship, i am including both of these here. We are in no means having problems, on the contrary, we are doing GREAT, and through these conflicts, we are learning how best to communicate with each other, as we both discovered when we worked through the issue in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open.
***

Maximus and i have had two fights. Well, i should say, i initiated two fights with Maximus. While i hate that we’ve had these fights and i really hate that i initiated them, we did learn a lot from them. There definitely could have been better ways to have dealt with the issues involved than for me to get angry, no, incensed. i work now to control the initial reaction of getting mad so we can have constructive discussions.

Fight #1
This wasn’t so much a fight as it was me walking out on Maximus, and i did walk out on Him.  This was actually a very critical event for us. i don’t think i’ve ever communicated to Maximus just how close we came from being finished forever. Timing was critical, Maximus’ timing, that is. Had He not arrived the moment He had, i would have been gone forever, and i don’t think He’s aware of this.

This occurred exactly a month before our talks about BDSM started. It’s strange to realize that, as when i was thinking about the timeline, it felt much further back in our history than that.

Sunflower had invited me to a fundraising concert she was organizing for the charitable organization she founded and runs, and asked if i would also join her and Mountain Man afterward at their after party at a very upscale hotel. The after party would transition into a swingers party when vanilla guests left, for the “real” after party, and they wanted me to join them and stay the night. i asked if i could bring a date (i’d only just met Sunflower and Mountain Man, and while i really liked them, i didn’t want to be a third wheel), and they thought that was great. i carefully brought up the topic with Maximus, as i knew one friend was going to be at the party, Z Baby, and figured Ms. W might be invited as well, and i didn’t want it to be a conflict for anyone for me to show up with Maximus as my date. Maximus had only just professed His love for me a mere few weeks prior and i was concerned about the reactions of Z Baby and Ms. W to this. He said He would love to be my date and we both wondered if Ms. W was going to be there. It turns out she was, and after some discussion, we decided that it would be great if all three of us would go together and get a room of our own in the same hotel. i’d met Ms. W. once before, really didn’t get to know her well, so i was looking forward to spending some time with Maximus’ dear friend and developing a friendship with her as well.

Ms. W was at Maximus’ home when i arrived; Maximus was swimming, so we had time alone together. This was intentional (at least between Maximus and me, i don’t think this was discussed between Maximus and Ms. W, in retrospect) for a couple reasons, first, Maximus really wanted to find the two of us playing together in His bed when He arrived home, and second, it would give us some one-on-one time to get to know each other. However, Ms. W was out of bed, in a bathrobe when i arrived, and it was very clear to me that she was not interested in playing. We visited while waiting for Maximus, but i never got the sense that she was very comfortable with me. She wasn’t adversarial in her conversation, but she was not agreeable, took opposite viewpoints, pointed out fundamental differences/flaws in my part of the conversations, held a negative tone, all of which made me uncomfortable. i worked very hard to find topics of conversation for us, looking for common ground, something we could discuss in a positive manner, hoping to make a connection with her, but just couldn’t achieve it. i was relieved when Maximus arrived…He was crestfallen that we were sitting at the dining table talking, not fucking in His bed.

We headed into town and spent the day walking around the city. i was my playful self and worked hard to include Ms. W in this, refusing to write-off a friendship with her. i clasped my arm in hers while we walked, pointed out items in stores and storefronts, told jokes and giggled, held her hand, but i just could not break through the proverbial ice.

We returned to the room, which was magnificent. Maximus had to run out and get wine and left us to get ready for the concert. This room was amazing, a clear pane glass wall separated the bedroom from a pedestal tub in the bathroom, which filled from a spout in the ceiling! All i wanted to do from the moment i saw that room was to take a bath. i told Maximus i was going to bathe and we whispered and giggled about me including Ms. W in it. i told Him i wasn’t sure if she was going to go for that, from the vibes i was getting from her, and i questioned whether she really was bi-sexual, as He had told me. But Maximus encouraged me to try, saying that she was very submissive and that i just needed to initiate it. i filled the tub and invited her to take a bath with me, which she agreed to with some hesitation. i got in and she followed, sitting at the other end with her arms crossed tightly over her breasts. Ugh. i did finally get her to turn and washed her back, but that was the extent of it. Maximus joined the two of us briefly when He returned, but by then the water was getting chilly and we stepped out.

Ms. W just didn’t appear happy at the concert; she plugged her ears, didn’t get up and dance around or clap as Sunflower, me, Mountain Man, or Maximus did. She clung to Maximus at intermission while i flitted about meeting people, which is what i do. i just felt bad about it. i realized then that we were just so different and that while we could be together in a purely social situation, we just weren’t going to be friends, no matter what i tried. i had gotten the same vibes when we’d first met several months before. i decided that i would talk to Maximus about it the next day after Ms. W left.

We then arrived at the party. We were late, having stopped for dinner beforehand, and the party was in full swing when we got there. Ms. W never let go of Maximus and i simply joined into the action, as i love swinger parties and was getting a lot of great attention (see Objectify me about this). Ms. W gave Mountain Man a two hour blow job while he was tied down to a massage table (i bound his hands with a handcuff knot and tied them down to the table early on in the evening) but she did not play otherwise. Maximus found me at several times during the evening to check in and told me He loved me. i had a great time! Eventually, however, i was tired and as Ms. W was still working on Mountain Man, i told Maximus i was great, spent, tired, and was headed down to our room; i assured Him i was fine, which i was.

When i was in the room, i started to reflect on Ms. W. i was a bit befuddled because Maximus assured me that she liked me from the first time we’d met, even though i told Him didn’t feel great vibes coming from her then. Out of curiosity, to see what she really did think, i picked up Maximus’ cell phone to check their texts to see if it would give me insight. Maximus had given me carte blanche access to His cell phone, email, calendar, day timer, etc. and i’d never taken Him up on that before. i didn’t see anything to cue me in on her thoughts on me, in fact i wasn’t discussed at all, but what i did find was a  plan for them to get together on a date that Maximus told me He had to be home for an appointment–it was my birthday. He’d been down for several days prior i had thought He was staying through my actual birthday and i’d made plans, only to surprisingly find out that He was leaving the day before. i’d asked Him if it was for another date, and He assured me it was not.

i exploded inside. HOW DARE HE! i stormed over to His day timer and saw that He did indeed have her down on my birthday. He’d promised to never lie to me, assured me just a few weeks before on our trip to Vegas where He told me He loved me, and here it was, a lie, and on my birthday. No wonder she didn’t like me–he obviously loved her.

That was it, i had to go. i changed my clothes, packed my bag. i realized that i had the room key, that if i left, they’d have no way to get back in the room. So i wrapped the key in paper, wrote His name on it, went back up to the party room and slid the key under the door so He’d have it to get in. i returned to the room. i decided to check the texts and the day timer again to make sure i hadn’t read things wrong. i actually had looked at the previous year in the day timer, which had her down on my birthday, but it wasn’t written on this current year, which made me even more mad, that He’d intentionally omitted putting her on the calendar so i couldn’t see it. The texts, though, were clear. i started to the door and just as i reached the door handle, Maximus opened the door.

“Hey, you’re up!” He chimed. “i was just telling Ms. W how it was just like you to think about others, realizing that we’d not have a key, so you left one for us. You’re just so sweet!” And then He noticed my bag. i’d turned to get my jacket off the coat hook. “What’s going on?”

“i’m going home,” i said.

“What? Why? What’s going on?” He asked rapid fire.

“You lied to me.” i told Him. i turned to face Ms. W and asked, “Where did you sleep the night of [my birthday]?”

“I was at Maximus’.” she replied.

“You lied to me.” i repeated to Maximus. “You said You had to go home for an appointment. i asked You if it was for a date and You said no. i read your texts.”

“i had nowhere else to stay.” Ms. W started.

i stopped her. “This isn’t about you, Ms. W, this is about Him.”

“No, stay.” He pleaded. “How are you getting home? Your car is at My house.”

i told Him i was taking a cab to His house, getting my car and driving home. “You promised to never lie to me,” and i walked out the door.

i expected Him to chase after me. But He didn’t. i sat on the bench at the elevator lobby for a long time, sobbing. i sobbed because i was angry, because He’d lied, because He didn’t chase after me. Because it meant the death of some very special plans. i don’t know why, but after about 15 minutes, i went back to the room and quietly knocked.

Maximus opened the door, pale, face pained, “I’m so glad you’re back.”

“i don’t want to talk about it right now,” i stated as i entered.

“Tell her what i told you,” Maximus said to Ms. W as i walked back in. “Tell her what i said.”

Ms. W looked at me painfully and said quietly, “He said He felt like He’d just gotten His balls cut off.”

i couldn’t even look at either of them. i took off my clothes and got into bed. Maximus was in the middle, laying on His stomach, arms pinned underneath Him, a position i’ve never seen Him take in bed. It was as if He was terrified to touch either one of us, as if it would show preference to one or the other. i couldn’t stand it. i got up, my mind reeling, put on a robe and sat in the dark on the floor of the entry, typing notes into my phone for what to talk about. Maximus came to me, knelt on the floor and begged me to return to bed, but i refused, i couldn’t. i told Him to go back to bed, and He refused, stating He was going to lay on the floor with me until i came to bed. i needed to be alone, to write down my thoughts and i needed Him to give me the space to do that–i told Him this as He curled His body around mine on a heap on the floor.

“We need to talk about this and we need to talk about this without Ms. W here. We can’t talk now without her listening and it’s not about her,” i said. “Go back to bed, let me have my space. i have to get my thoughts written out, You know this, You have to let me do this. i’ll come back to bed when i’m done.”

The morning was awful, i felt terrible, brokenhearted. i took a 30 minute scalding shower–Maximus came in for a bit and tried to play but realized i wanted none of that. i got ready and waited for them in the lobby. Everything was pained. Maximus snapped at me at one point during the walk to breakfast, something about “oh what didn’t i communicate now?!?” and i quietly said, “stop…” i knew it was just a reaction, not like Him at all, but i didn’t want to have a fight in the middle of the city on a sidewalk with Ms. W. We returned to Maximus’ home and Ms. W left leaving us alone.

We sat outside on His patio and talked about what happened, my issues.

Here are my notes from my phone:

This is MY issue.

i enjoyed the event and party. This has nothing to do with that. i didn’t return to our room because of any problem at the party…i was done and satisfied and wanted to have my space. That’s how i recharge.

This stems around:

1. My trust issue that i didn’t realize was a problem until now
2. Being scared about falling in love
3. Lack of chemistry with Ms. W

i’m terrifed.

i felt scared when You told me You loved me. i didn’t tell You because it felt nice to have someone tell me they adored and loved me. i am afraid to be in love with You because being in love always consumes me.

i’m also worried that there has not been enough time for You to heal from JB. JB and Covert Ops are a lot of Your conversations with Ms. W. It is a big shadow for you both. i worry that i might be part of Your healing process, like a rebound, rather than a sustained relationship and my heart cannot handle that.

i’m having difficulty trusting. And i hate it. i’m not sure what to do about it. my trust issue is not related to people, my trust issue is in believing that we are legitimate. i think that stems from my fear of being consumed and then devastated if i’m wrong. i was wrong before.

i came back to the room legitimately to sleep. Party had lost my interest and i was bored. i had no trust problems there.

i was thinking about how i just wasn’t comfortable as a non-sexual or sexual threesome with Ms. W. For me, this is like taking one for the team. She isn’t interested in me. She’s not someone i would choose to be with socially or personally. She’s negative, passive. You ask me to basically force myself upon her. She’s so not interested and i’m not interested in uninterested people. i don’t break-in women. i feel like there is an expectation to make her into a bi-sexual woman.

When we’re all three together i don’t feel the Maximus i’m used to. i miss Your spontaneous touch and affection. It feels You are so worried about equity that its equal absence. i’m not comfortable in this threesome.

i DON’T feel uncomfortable with You and Ms. W without me. i DON’T feel uncomfortable with You and ANY other woman alone. i DON’T feel uncomfortable with you and i with another woman or couple where i have a connection.

i was curious what she really thought of me. i didn’t trust what You’d told me, that she liked me but was uncomfortable with cramps. It’s odd to me that she’s always on her period and “it’s awful” each time. So i decided to look at Your phone. That’s when i saw the thing about Tuesday. i was devastated and incensed. my heart broke.

The text from Airplane Girl about Tuesday while we were together was still on my mind. In fact, i was still unsettled by it.

While we were in Vegas, the plan to meet Boat Guy and Aussie Girl was for Monday or Tuesday of my birthday week because You’d be here through the morning of my birthday. Your schedule change to leave the day before my birthday was a total surprise to me. And it hurt my feelings frankly as it was a night to celebrate my actual birthday on my treat someplace special. It wouldn’t have been a big deal otherwise.

i like the distinction of the “who we came with rule” and coming all three of us doesn’t work. We did that rule with The Englishman but not Ms. W.

GOT. Why? What brought this? i don’t understand why this applies to me when You have been with Ms. W so much longer. Why isn’t she Your GOT?

What does this look like? Why me? Is this unique to me, or not? i don’t understand how our relationship differs from the one with Ms. W.

i want something that’s unique to me, i guess. And not meaning the acronym.

i want you to consider the perspective of this in the context of how You felt when Covert Ops was telling JB he loved her.

What happens when your divorces are final? What then? Where will she be (sounds like not where she is now). What is your relationship? What is her GOT? What does “tap tap” mean. Is that her GOT?

You said at one of our first times together that You didn’t know what You’d do if Ms. W fell in love with someone else. What if you two decide to have a traditional relationship. What about me? my heart will not take that. It scares me.

Ms. W asked me yesterday how long i’ve known You. It appears she knows little about me. i know a lot about her and her marriage and situation. Why is our knowledge about each other so different? What does that mean?

i’m not going to write out His responses to all of these questions, other to say that He answered all of my questions fully and without getting offended, and to a degree in which i was satisfied. He shared with me how our relationship differed from the one with Ms. W. Explained that while He had to leave early for an appointment, Ms. W was not the appointment, it just worked out that He was going to be home that evening because of that, and that allowed an opportunity for her to come over. We learned we needed to be better about communicating, especially in regards to getting together with other people, and needed to share our schedules fully, including coming up with a shared electronic calendar.

A lot our rules come from this weekend and the discussion we had. It uncovered a lot of issues, helped us discover and share our limits. Dishonesty is a hard limit, for both of us, and Maximus saw firsthand just how hard of a limit that is for me. It’s intolerable.

Maximus asked me never to leave Him like that again and i promised i wouldn’t. i didn’t have the heart to tell Him that had He not arrived just then, i would have been gone forever. i think Maximus’ impression was that i had been waiting by the door for Him, waiting for Him to stop me. That wasn’t the case. This blog post will be the first time He learns this, and it’s not that i held that deliberately from Him, but i couldn’t get the words out in front of Him without collapsing.

i’m thankful for some divine intervention that delayed me in that room long enough for Him to arrive.

Fight #2
This was a knock-down, drag-out fight…not in the physical sense, but in the angry, yelling, stomping, sobbing sense. Yes, i had a tantrum.

And it also dealt with a miscommunication about Ms. W. It’s frustrating to me that both of these fights and the frustrations we’ve had have been issues surrounding her. They aren’t issues ABOUT her per say, they have been our (my) issues about Maximus’ behavior that pop up, and my perceptions about what is going on. i’m not saying i’m perfect here…not at all! i over-analyze things and have had a tendency to assume the worst.

Maximus was traveling extensively during November. We Skyped, texted, and emailed a lot. This was when the topic of BDSM came up, so we were extremely chatty about that and terrifically turned on! We’d been texting and talking while He was at the airport. He’d been looking at toys and clothing and telling me to check certain websites. He was so aroused. The last thing Maximus texted before He had to shut off His phone for the flight was, “Be advised…Warning, Maximus is very very in need of gabriella. Round the world for sure. you will be wet from head to toe. It will look like you just got out of the shower. Continue in Chicago.” During His flight, i got a fantastic idea, and i texted Him while inflight, “gabriella could come service Him tonight if it would please Him…” i actually started packing, realizing i could beat Him to His home and be waiting for Him–i was super excited!

Unfortunately…when He landed, i received, “Maximus would love that but two homeless people will be there. The Englishman and Ms. W. Damn.” i was immediately mad. “So Ms. W get all Your ardor. Kinda pisses me off. Goddammit i can’t even be spontaneous with you because of Ms. W.” He asked me to be patient and i replied, “No! i’m tired of being patient about it. Officially pissed off. She has the primary relationship with you [referring to the clause in our newly agreed-upon contract that stated WE were each others primary relationships]. If i did, it would be no problem for me to come up. That’s fucking bullshit, Maximus. This is why i asked if she knew about us because she lives like she’s your wife.”

Maximus was trying to get to His gate for His next flight and i was impatient to talk (yell) at Him. “i promise waiting on this is not going to make it any better.” He replied, “I’m walking thru the fucking airport baby. Give me a break.”

i waited a bit and asked if He would talk. He replied, “I always want to talk with You. In the red carpet club downloading work messages before I have to get on my next flight. This conversation is over until I get in the car at home and can talk.” This infuriated me further as His last words before His last flight were about continuing our sex talk in Chicago…now He had to download work emails instead?!? I simply responded, “Goodbye. If work messages are more important than You made Your decision. i will never be second fiddle.”

“Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. There are 300 people here and there is no private place to talk. Please stop,” He responded. “i don’t think You get it. Then MOVE! Unless you are willing to let us go over first class waiting,” i added.

“My head is going to explode,” Maximus replied. i simply responded, “my heart already did.”

It was relationship hostage-taking at its worst, for both of us. i fired the first shot, however.

Maximus ended up moving and calling, but i had gotten into the car to drive anywhere…to get out because i felt like i was suffocating in my home. i pulled over in a school parking lot and started to talk, but Maximus kept interrupting me, defensive, which angered me and i started to yell. We weren’t communicating at all. We couldn’t hear and we couldn’t talk. The call ended in silence, which eventually cut off automatically. i sent Him a last text, “i’m really at a loss. Don’t know what to think. That was not the conversation i needed or wanted to have.” “Agree. Closing door. Will be drinking heavily.”

My heart sank. i couldn’t leave things this way. i really wanted to see Him and apologize for yelling, for throwing a tantrum. And really, some conversations are just better face to face than over Skype, text, phone, or email. So i decided to meet Him at the airport and made the three hour drive and met Him when He exited the secure area. “I knew you’d be here,” He smiled and giggled, embracing me, “I thought, gabriella’s a woman of action, she’ll be at the airport when i get there, and here you are.” i just apologized and sunk into the crook of His neck.

My plan was to talk at the airport and then drive home. i did NOT want to kick Ms. W out, but Maximus had already contacted her and she was going home, which made me feel awful. He insisted that i stay with Him, which i kept trying to convince Him wasn’t my intention of coming up, but He won over. We talked in bed, promised to communicate better, listened.

i’m not proud of my actions. i’m stubborn and hardheaded and tend to ramp myself up, something Maximus chalks up to my heritage. i’d like to say that we’ll never have conflict again, but i know we will. However, i’d really like to believe that we, i in particular, have learned through these experiences how to better communicate. We both feel that how we dealt with conflict in Keeping the Bedroom Door Open was a huge step, proof that we’ve grown. i do trust His love for me and commitment toward us and i hope He trusts mine as well.