Living M/s

Our M/s

As i mentioned earlier, Maximus has tasked me with researching M/s relationships to help guide us in updating our contract and writing rules and protocol. The thing that was very glaring to us what the fact that Maximus does not have the need or desire to dish out corporal punishment for discipline. Don’t get me wrong, He loves punishment for fun (Funishment) as part of our sex play, but it is not a part of His discipline and He does not wish to make it a part of His leadership, dominance, or mastery.

i have been doing a lot, and i mean A LOT of reading. One book we found helpful was Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/Slave Relationships edited by Raven Kaldera. This book is a collection of essays from masters and slaves in M/s relationships describing their style of M/s. While reading these essays, our M/s style most closely aligned with the Modern-Day 1950s M/s Household; Roman Slave-Advisor; Ancient Models, Modern Integrity; Captain of our Ship; and the CEO/COO Model. Let me elaborate.

Modern-Day 1950s M/s Household

In this model, the man is the Master “head of household” and the woman is the submissive slave homemaker (the genders can be reversed, but are generally along this line). The Master works and the slave keeps the home–think Leave it to Beaver. The slave has great value for keeping the household running and is very well-kept herself. Many 1950s M/s relationships include modernized 1950 fashions for the slave.

Our M/s is similar to this as Maximus is the breadwinner/head of household and i am the homemaker. Maximus does act with common chivalry of that age in terms of politeness and actions. We don’t, however, continue along with 1950s fashions, and Maximus values my leadership and career experience as a springboard more than would be present in a typical 1950s relationship. But, there are definitely pieces present in our M/s.

Roman Slave-Advisor

This model has the slave as a trusted household slave, companion, or advisor whose duties are to run the household, much like in the 1950s model. However, the slave often has valuable skills the Master needs, such as art, business experience, financial training, etc., and does these without a lot of micromanagement from the Master.

This is definitely a part of our dynamic. Maximus relies upon me to assist Him in areas of my expertise, such as correspondence, spelling, PowerPoint, research, leadership issues, etc. He finds my skills extremely valuable to Him and utilizes them nearly daily. i am a valued advisor.

Ancient Models, Modern Integrity

This expands on the Roman Slave-Advisor model in identifying the difference between how Roman slaves were treated differently than slaves of the American South. Roman slaves were prized for their skills and “human beings who happened to be slaves, not lesser creatures” rather than chattel.

The value of the slave is important to Maximus. For Him, i am prized, valuable, and not a lesser being, but in service to Him.

Captain of our Ship

In this model, the master is the captain of the ship/household and the slave is the first mate. The captain is is responsible for the ship and the crew and makes decisions accordingly. The first mate carries out the captain’s orders, but is really second in command, competent, important. As noted in the book, “The ship’s captain is not served by his first mate, the captain is assisted by the first mate.”

This again mirrors our M/s. i assist Maximus. i am respected to be intelligent, capable, and able to steer the ship/household in His absence. i know His orders and can keep the ship/household running without constant micromanagement. We like this model, but the identification of captain is difficult for me due to my past career and confuses our mindsets.

CEO/COO Model

The CEO/COO model follows corporate structure, in that the CEO leads the business, in particular the interface with the external aspects of the corporation, and the COO takes care of internal operations. “The COO (slave) is responsible for taking care of the CEO (Master), and the CEO is responsible for taking care of the company that also includes the COO.”

This model very much aligns with our M/s structure. Maximus is an extremely skilled business leader and has been for decades. He is comfortable and highly capable in this arena, and therefore it translates well into our M/s. i love to serve, it is integral to my being, therefore serving Maximus by taking care of all internal operations so He can manage His business and our household company unimpeded makes me happy and complete.

Maximus is the head of our household, our ship/corporation. i am His prized and valued advisor who makes sure His needs are met and that He is able to work without the ups and downs of daily operations do not impede His progress. He is my boss, my captain, however, and i do function under His expectations. He does not lead by corporal punishment.

As Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny note in their book Real Service, an M/s relationship does not have to be based on roles, punishment, or high protocol–it can simply be “where one has dedicated a substantial portion of their time and energy to the service of others.” Our M/s is Our M/s. It functions by us, for us. It’s not necessary for it to fall into someone else’s category and there’s no M/s police coming by to make sure we are doing it in some preconceived way. It is our and works for us. It is comforting that this is the case. Important that it is ours. This is important for us to remember as we rework our contract, incorporate rules, and develop protocol. We don’t live other people’s kink–we live ours.

Categories: BDSM relationship, Joshua Tenpenny, Living M/s, M/s, Raven Kaldera | Leave a comment

We’re NOT Fucked Up

thoughts actions

i’ve had a common theme come up the past few days…the notion that people who do BDSM are fucked up. And i absolutely HATE that notion!

It came up when we were with Kilt and Rhodie. Rhodie kept apologizing when describing their kink, worried she might be offending us, and to assure her, Maximus said, “Don’t worry, you’re just as fucked up as we are!” Now i love Maximus and i know what His intent was, to make Rhodie realize that their kink was not offensive to us and that we are completely kinky too, but His words suggested that there were something wrong with all of us. i know He doesn’t believe that, but the words struck me negatively. i didn’t want to embarrass Him and call Him out in front of them, so i simply affirmed that “we are extremely kinky and there probably isn’t anything that will offend us or change our feelings about you. We’re excited to learn about your kink!” Later, after Rhodie and Kilt left, i brought this up with Maximus. He thanked me for “calling me out on this.” He hadn’t realized the negative connotation His words portrayed and He really did mean to say we were kinky.

the secretaryLast night, i watched The Secretary for the first time. i had seen this movie on a list of must-see BDSM movies and then Rhodie mentioned it when we were together, so i took it as a sign. The first scene is so hot, Lee, the secretary, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, glides through the office during her secretarial duties while her wrists are bound to each end of a spreader bar connected to the back of her collar. But then it flashes back to her release from a mental hospital where she has been treated for cutting and self-mutilation, presenting her as mentally unstable, damaged, insecure, and uneducated. She meets Mr. Grey, a lawyer played by James Spader (Oh yes, the character is named Mr. Grey), who hires her to be his secretary because she is an inexperienced, insecure, young woman. The relationship is Dominant/submissive from the start.

The media, including movies like The Secretary and books such as Fifty Shades of Grey and Maya Banks’ Breathless Trilogy, generally presents one or both characters in a BDSM or kinky sex relationship as damaged goods, fucked up, and this irritates the hell out of me! BDSM is not a mental illness, even the American Psychiatric Association removed kinky sex, including fetishism and BDSM, from their lists of mental disorders, as long as it is consensual and doesn’t cause harm to themselves or others. Movies and novels seem to present that BDSM is expected when one person is screwed up mentally or has been abused in their past, as if to say they have a proclivity toward deviant, aka kinky, behavior. i would love to see a storyline that includes educated, professional, balanced people involved in kinky/BDSM relationships–something that i think is much more the reality than fiction. Obviously, society is showing an interest in reading about, watching movies about kink, isn’t it time there is some reality to it?

We are NOT fucked up. We are kinky, in a consensual relationship involving power exchange, Domination/submission, pleasure and pain. We aren’t vanilla, but we are normal, sexual, sensual beings. Let’s not allow ourselves to be labeled as fucked up, especially by ourselves!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Living M/s | 2 Comments

1st GOT Day

GOT sundial

We made it! Sometimes it didn’t seem we would, but we celebrated our First GOT Anniversary this week.

It seems so long ago that Maximus told me in Las Vegas that He had fallen in love with me and shared GOT. We’ve had some great times and we’ve had some very, very hard times, downright awful times. He has shared that this has been the hardest He’s ever worked in a relationship, and i appreciate that. i have done the most work on me in this relationship than i’ve ever done before, and i’ve been the most bare and honest as well. i have wanted to run away, have run away, but i always came back because i knew it was right, knew it was worth staying for and fighting for, despite all the hard work and tears. We’ve grown so much, we’ve learned so much, about each other and ourselves.

We celebrated GOT Day after Kilt and Rhodie left. It was killing me to wait!! i had made a pillow that was appliquéd with GOT on one side and XOXO on the other, two things that Maximus always texts me, particularly the last thing before we go to sleep. i also had a sundial for the new garden He is working on, with the line from Robert Browning’s poem, Grow Old Along with Me, the Best is Yet to Be. He gave me the beautiful Michael Kors stilettos, an awesome Northface jacket, and not one, but five wonderful anniversary cards–in numbered sequence, with lines and phrases underlined in all, and special notes inside for me. FIVE!!

GOT cards

After exchanging gifts we made love and took a much-needed nap! Maximus took me to a amazing restaurant along the Seattle waterfront, Aqua, for dinner. Boy, do i have so much to learn! When they seated us, the hostess mentioned she’d be right back with a black napkin for me. i looked quizzically at Maximus and said mockingly, “So my napkin needs to match my little black dress?!?” and He answered,

“Of course, why do you ask?”

“Really? i was just joking!”

“Oh, my love, you have so much to learn. Fine restaurants will always bring you a black napkin if you’re wearing black. you don’t want white lint all over your little black dress. i request a matching napkin if restaurants don’t offer…”

i do have so much to learn.

Actually, our dinner was supposed to be at the best restaurant in Seattle, Canlis, but they were closed for Labor Day. We will be going there at the end of the month when we return to Seattle again to finish out our GOT Month. Good thing i know about the napkin thing now!

And good thing as my most special GOT gift won’t be ready until then…it’s still being made. (No! i’m not pregnant!!)

Honestly, though, GOT is not about the finest restaurants and gifts, it’s about us and our love and our relationship and our GOT. It’s taken a year…i get it now, i’m there. Maximus even noticed the next day, i’m calm, i’m happy, i’m great! We had so much to work on together and we’ve made it.

And i can’t wait for the rest of GOT. It’s already been amazing, and that’s with all the rough patches. Just imagine…

GOT

Categories: BDSM relationship, Living M/s, relationship | Leave a comment

CrazySexyCool

crazysexycoolIt’s been a whirlwind week! Crazy….Sexy….and Cool!

It started with Maxisnoop doggmus flying me up for the Seahawks vs. Raiders preseason game. It was great! He has fantastic seats, right on the Seahawks 5 yard line a few rows up from the field. We had front row seats to see Snoop Dogg posing with the Sea Gals. i guess he’s called Snoop Lion now, but whatever!

After the game, Maximus drove me back home to Portland because i had to work the next morning. He slept for a couple of hours and drove right back up to SeaTac airport to head to California for a one day business trip! Talk about dedication! It was a super sweet surprise for Him to fly me up and drive me home–He really wanted to take me to the game.

The day after my work day, i headed back up to Seattle on the train! Maximus picked me up and we headed directly to Michael Kors for some shoe shopping! When i came up for the Seahawks game, Maximus had a pair of Michael Kors Ailee Studded Suede pumps in my drawer! They were just gorgeous and it had been all Michael KorsHe could do to not text me pictures of them before i got there. He had texted a picture of the box with a message that there was a surprise waiting for me, but not a picture of the shoes themselves. Unfortunately, the shoes were too small for me, so we needed to go exchange them. They had the shoes in my size, but Maximus had more shoes and boots for me to try on for Him while we were there.

i had the best sub moment at Michael Kors! Maximus missed it, actually. i was seated on the setteé surrounded by different shoes and boots, attended by not one, but three attendants and Maximus came back from the display with another shoe and said, “she’ll try on this one too.” The attendant acknowledged this, Maximus walked back to the display to return the sandal, and the attendant started toward the back to get my size. A few seconds later, the attendant quickly returned, bent down toward me and asked, “I should have asked, did you want to try on that shoe?” i smiled and cooed, “Of course!” This just tickled me! Of course i wanted to try on that shoe, Maximus desired to see that shoe on me and i wanted to please Him by doing so!

The next day, our friends Kilt and Rhodie, who we met through mutual friends at a swinger’s party (see A Night at the Beach), came up for an overnight visit. We’ve been wanting to get back together with them and have had this visit on the calendar for months, pure torture waiting for this! Maximus has been über-excited, coming up with all kinds of kink things He wanted to choreograph for this night, but as we’d only been with them at two swingers’ parties and hadn’t really talked to them about the specifics of their kink, i encouraged Maximus to be patient and use this weekend to talk and learn more about them instead of assuming they were like us and scaring them away!

i made dinner for us at Maximus’ so we’d have more time to visit openly rather than trying to have kink conversations at a restaurant. During dinner, Kilt whispered to me that while he was looking forward to playing with me, Rhodie was really looking forward to spending some time with me. We started talking about our kinks and we found that they were, indeed, much like us in kink play, and were also afraid of scaring us! They are not Total Power Exchange or D/s, but are both switches. He is straight, she is bi.

During dinner prep, i’m not sure how this came up, but the conversation turned to nipple torture and i was instructed to get the nipple vacuum tubes. i was wearing a halter topped dress and the top was taken off of my neck, my tits exposed, and Maximus had Rhodie install the tubes on my nipples, teaching her how to wait and increase the vacuum little by little as my nipples stretched out into the tube. i spent the entire dinner with the tubes on my nipples and amazingly, both nipples started leaking fluid, which has never happened to me before (we had babysat Maximus’ 9 month old grandson the night before and i’m wondering if that led to some maternal instincts to come into play)!!

As soon as we cleaned up from dinner, Rhodie took me into the great room, yanked my dress all the rest of the way off, pulled me down to the floor and had her way with me! Maximus had taken the vacuum tubes off midway through dinner and my right nipple was a gorgeous purple. Rhodie licked my clit and played with my pussy and nipples while Kilt and Maximus watched.

Eventually Maximus led us into His den where He had the Liberator mat on the floor. As soon as we hit the mat, Maximus blindfolded Rhodie and me and we all four went to town! Kilt even foot fucked me! At one point, Maximus put the chained clover nipple clamps on me. It was sensory overload! We were flogged and cropped, Kilt scratched my back with His long fingernails making me orgasm! i was doing great, slipped into subspace and then suddenly my right nipple was too intense, i think someone grabbed my breast and i started to come crashing down. “Right, off! Right, off!” was all i could say. i could tell the hands on me weren’t Maximus’ and i really needed Maximus to take care of me. He came and wrapped Himself around me, whispering in my ear that it was ok and i was safe, and released me from the clamps. i could hear Rhodie asking if i was hurt and Maximus and Kilt assured her i was fine, had slipped into subspace and Maximus was caring for me. What’s interesting to me as i think back about it, i wasn’t bound…i could have simply reached up and released the clamp from my right nipple, but it never occurred to me to do that. In fact, i don’t believe i have ever released myself from anything that Maximus has applied, but generally i have been bound and unable to do so. It’s fascinating to me that i needed Him to release me even when i was able to physically do that myself–i was mentally bound! i think that is a wonderful realization for us, that my submission to Him is complete and natural.

Maximus provided aftercare for me and we jumped right back into play. i called out to Maximus to get the wands and He returned promptly with them and an extension cord. i started to use the Hitatchi on Rhodie, which i remembered she loved, and then rolled on top of her so we would be simultaneously stimulated and orgasm together. Maximus kept telling us how hot it was! i really wanted vaginal penetration and called out for something in my pussy, but i was so slippery wet that Maximus could not stay inside me! After orgasming multiple, multiple times, i rolled off and Maximus started fucking Rhodie. i put my fingers in what i thought was her pussy, thinking, Wow, He’s fucking her ass!, feeling Maximus’ cock between the membrane (turns out i was in her ass and He was in her pussy). Maximus started yelling, “It’s too much, I can’t hold it, I’m going to come!” and He came, yelling and spasming. i pulled the condom off and took Him into my mouth, sending Him in to earthquakes. He shared that the visual of Rhodie and i orgasming over and over and Rhodie squealing with glee that my come was pouring down her pussy was just too much for Him and He couldn’t hold off.

i still needed vaginal penetration badly and as soon as Maximus was ready again, which was only a few minutes, He started fucking me. i’m not sure what was happening next to us with Kilt and Rhodie, but suddenly, right before i was about to come, Maximus pulled out and started putting on a condom! i was shocked as He started fucking Rhodie. i got up and said i was going upstairs, as i needed to think about this…i returned as soon as i was upstairs realizing this was completely unacceptable to me and i needed to communicate to Maximus about it. i pulled on the back of Maximus’ hair in a hard tug and He excused Himself and followed me upstairs. i told Him that was rude and slapped His chest and arms and He apologized, said He got caught up in the moment and realized just how rude that was. We went back downstairs, we joined Kilt and Rhodie again. Maximus came again inside me.

We played more, in all configurations, until we were spent and needed a break. i was starting to feel overheated and nauseated and realized i was dehydrated from all the squirting orgasms. We had dessert at the island in the kitchen and Kilt began tying Rhodie in a rope harness. i stepped outside into the cool air on the patio but just could not shake the nausea. Eventually we excused ourselves to bed, got Kilt and Rhodie settled into the guest room. Maximus was very concerned about me, at first thinking i was upset with Him, but after touching me, He realized i was burning up. He laid me onto the bed and smoothed a cool wet washcloth over my forehead and made some electrolyte drink for me, which helped. He held me while i slept and i felt completely back to normal by morning.

We let Kilt and Rhodie sleep in. Maximus and i prepped breakfast and cleaned up all the toys and the den from the night before. We sat outside on the patio and talked about what a great night it had been. We both realized that we’d never had a session like that before, where i subspaced and was thrown right back into play. In all of our other BDSM scenes with other people, particularly with Sunflower and MountainMan, the scene ended with my aftercare, that bringing me back from subspace was the conclusion of the scene. We agreed that my dehydration, nausea, and feeling ill had a lot to do with not having enough time to recover and that we would be more careful the next time.

Kilt and Rhodie joined us for breakfast and recap of the night. Rhodie would apologize every time she brought up some kink things she liked or desired and we told her not to apologize, that we were just as kinky or more and were very interested in learning about each others kinks. She shared that her fantasy is to have another woman squirt inside of her and then squirt that come back into the other woman. We said that we would love to help her with that fantasy. Kilt took me aside and shared that her ultimate fantasy is to have a woman wearing a lucha libre, Mexican wrestling mask, fuck her and asked if i would do that–which of course i said i would share with Maximus and do! We talked about the BDSM checklist we used and learned they had not seen those before and would like to do one too. i said i would send them a copy and we all decided it would be a great idea for us to complete that together to share our kinks. We also shared what we learned about my aftercare needs in the middle of intense scenes from the night before.

After Kilt and Rhodie left, Maximus and i talked about what a great time we’d had. Maximus praised me for how i had handled dealing with His mishap during our play. i actually had felt awful that i had pulled His hair to get His attention, but He said that it had been the perfect thing! He’d not gotten it when i said i was going upstairs but that the hair tug completely got His attention and was exactly what i needed to do. He was thrilled that we were able to communicate about it and go back into play.

We also talked about what the future could hold. We discussed how we really had fluid bonded with them due to my squirting all down her pussy and how she and i had orally exchanged Kilt and Maximus’ cum as well. In looking about fulfilling Rhodie’s fantasy, we realized that we needed to have a discussion about this fluid bonding, STD testing, and potentially forgoing barriers in future play with them. This has been fantasy talk between Maximus and i, but we’ve not pursued this before. We agreed that i would get together with Rhodie to talk about this.

Crazy…Sexy….Cool!

Categories: BDSM relationship, fluid bonding, Living M/s, playing together, swinging | Leave a comment

Our First Six Months…Oh How We’ve Grown!

Mg

i can’t believe it’s been six months already! A couple of weeks ago i pulled up our contract to get ready to review it before Maximus and i were going to be together, which is our ritual, and i noticed that our contract was set to expire April 30th, our six month D/s anniversary. i was so surprised by this! i texted Maximus about it and ended with, “i’d like to continue the contract” and He replied, “So would I.” Whew! And then suggested that we renew our contract on the beach when we are in Hawaii this upcoming week. i am delighted in this!

i went through our contract and made revisions to reflect where we are now. i was surprised to see quite a few areas where we have grown and changed, especially in our BDSM Activities List–things that were hard limits were not hard limits anymore, in fact, many of them were much desired activities now.

Maximus called me from His business trip to go over the revisions and we went through the contract together. He had texted earlier that He had “lots of feedback” on the revisions–yikes! It turned out ok and we had some great discussion about the contract and our relationship, where we started, where we’ve been, what we need to work on.

The first revision we made was to eliminate my termination clause. Okay, okay, i know you just yelled at your computer, “What the hell is she thinking?!?!!!” Remember, our contract, our D/s relationship grew out of our Big R Relationship, is built on love and the principle of GOT. We have a commitment to each other that is beyond this contract, therefore, a clause to end our relationship is contradictory to our commitment. The second revision was to eliminate Maximus’ termination clause. Our commitment to each other is such that we will work through problems and issues and not terminate our relationship. Our contract is always available for revision and should parts of our D/s relationship change, our contract will change to reflect this, but the Relationship will remain intact.

We had quite a bit of discussion about the next clause:

…the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

Maximus asked if that meant if He did not want a conversation to continue or if He wanted me to stop behaving in a certain manner whether He could instruct me to stop…and i said, “Yes, absolutely. You’ve always had that authority, but You’ve rarely used it.” There have been times where He has asked me to stop a direction of discussion that was not fruitful, in the case of disagreements, and there have been times where He has instructed me not to drive home, instructed me to stay, etc. and i’ve always complied. i mentioned it would be helpful for Him to use this clause when i get worried and anxious about relationship issues and want to flee.

Next, we decided to change the term of our contract to 12 months rather than six. We decided on the first six month time limit because this was new and we didn’t know what to expect from it. Now that we know more about ourselves, our relationship, D/s, Power Exchange relationships, we are both comfortable and desire a longer term to our contract. Our intention is to make our Hawaii trip an annual event for us to renew our commitment to and contract with each other.

We laughed at the next revision! Our contract originally stated that time between [being physically together] shall not extend greater than one month’s time. We both laughed because we know that we cannot have more than a couple of weeks between time together without going absolutely crazy, therefore it was not necessary to have that in our contract. This was put into our contract because we’d had a five-week absence from each other in August, before our relationship moved from friendship to committed Relationship, and it was completely unbearable–it really helped us realize our feelings for each other, but we NEVER wanted to go through that long of an absence ever again. Now that it’s impossible for either of us to be apart for that long, it’s not necessary to have in the contract–it’s a given.

The next clause that was removed had to do with travel arrangements. It was very difficult for me to accept Maximus’ desire to pay for my travel expenses, use frequent flyer/guest points, etc. to comp accommodations. i have learned that it gives Him great pleasure to take care of these things. Maximus does not balk when i do special things for Him and i needed to learn not to balk when He does special things for me–and i have. In addition, Maximus has learned to accept that He is with someone who wants to contribute, has the means to contribute, and finds it important to contribute–He’s never had that before in a relationship. We removed language that required discussion of travel expenses and my acceptance of the use of His travel program points–this has been a big step for both of us in our growth and Maximus was very pleased with this.

i was very shocked at the clause that Maximus was most concerned about, something that never bothered Him before in all the times we reviewed our contract:

The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

He noted that He was very shocked that this was in our contract, that i would give such power to Him. Wow! This totally blew me away! To me, this is the basis of a D/s relationship and to remove this was to remove the very foundation of our Total Power Exchange. He was very concerned that it gave Him too much power and requested that i remove it. He was not concerned that He would abuse His power, but that He was surprised that someone would so willingly put themselves at risk for abuse of power. i explained to Him that yes, it did give Him complete power and that i gave it to Him out of complete and absolute trust. i trusted that He would use this power responsibly and not abuse it, and that was my ultimate gift to Him. He agreed to leave this in our contract after our discussion and my explanation. It was very interesting to me that this clause triggered Him so–i never would have expected that after these past six months of operating within these parameters of our existing contract. i very much appreciated His concern and candor about something so fundamental to our relationship. It was very worthy of discussion and really reinforced my commitment to our power exchange relationship

Our next discussion was about our communication rules. We both freely admit that we need to do better in this area and follow the terms of our contract that were written specifically to aid in conflict resolution. Our contract reads, in part:

Both parties agree to work through disagreements rather than dissolve this agreement. Disputes or disagreements shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time during disputes or disagreements. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication.

If communication fails completely, both parties can take the discussion “To The Locker Room.” The Dominant and the submissive agree that this should be the last alternative and only to be used in the rarest of occasions, if at all.

Unfortunately, while we have all this beautiful language, we have occasionally raised our voices and yelled, failed to begin and end with I/i love Y/you, failed to cue each other with safewords to indicate frustration levels, and have held heated arguments on the court rather than taking it to the Locker Room. Honestly, it was a relief to hear Maximus say that He too had failed to observe our contractual agreements in this area, as i have been feeling very guilty about my communication failures. We have promised each other to be more cognizant of this and to follow our contract in order to keep our communication respectful and productive, the way it has intended to work.

Finally came the fun stuff–my BDSM Activities List! We laughed and giggled throughout this section as our boundaries have so clearly moved outward this past six months. Our level of trust has increased exponentially, allowing us both to share our deepest, darkest secret desires and experience things we only dreamed of but never shared with anyone before. And with this sharing of desires, we have been able to make many of these dreams come true. We have no fear in sharing our desires, and this is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And it’s not because of the BDSM Activities List that this came about, it’s because of the frank discussions we’ve had in building our Relationship, developing our contract, communicating, and learning about ourselves and each other. Its through building of ultimate trust.

So our contract has been agreed upon and is ready for us to sign. We will be taking this with us to Hawaii and share our own personal commitment ceremony together on the beach to renew our contract and bond. Maximus has made some requests for things to be included in this ceremony and i have asked to re-present His ring to Him as part of my commitment to Him. i am just in awe of this extraordinary thing we have.

GOT 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, lifestyle, Living M/s, M/s, relationship, submissive | 1 Comment

Money Talks

There were other very important discussions on our Valentine’s weekend trip that were not related to readings from Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams. I’m breaking these four main discussions into separate posts.

Maximus promised not to work at all during our weekend trip other than a brief scheduled phone call with the Regional VP of His company who wanted to let Him know what His 2012 bonus would be. He was true to his word and the phone call was brief, but amazing…Maximus was receiving a very large bonus. And when i say very large, i mean, nearly 40% of my yearly salary. i was shocked, needless to say, as i overhead the bonus announced through the phone. i knew Maximus made excellent money, it was obvious by His dress, His home, His travel, His hobbies, His ex-wife, but i really hadn’t grasped the magnitude of it before. Maximus was very pleased with the amount, but i could tell that it was not an out-of-the-ballpark figure to Him as it was to me–not unexpected.

When i started reading 50 Shades of Grey, i thought someone had been spying on us. Seriously, it was uncanny. It was a story about a woman from Vancouver–i’m from Vancouver, who meets a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle–Maximus is a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle, and gets swept off of her feet in a torrid, kinky, sexual love affair. i literally dropped the book. My response to my mom when i returned home from my first trip to stay with Maximus was, “i’m so out of my league.” He’d spoiled me rotten with dinners, dancing, riding comfortably in His luxury car and then sent me home with a $100 bottle of wine He’d purchased at a wine tasting…one of half a dozen bottles He’d procured that day.

He wears $200 jeans for grubbies. He asked me to go with Him to pick out things i needed in His kitchen for when i cooked there and we went to Sur la Table with valet parking; He walked confidently to the clerk and instructed her to assist me in picking out whatever i wanted/needed, and waited, leaning nonchalantly against the counter, in Pretty Woman fashion, as she gleefully picked out expensive items i’d only ogled at before. He didn’t blink an eye at the expense and even mentioned what a great deal those purchases were, while i reeled at the fact that i would have gone to a variety store for these things–Sur la Table was a place i’d only walked through making sure i didn’t knock things over at because i couldn’t afford to buy things there if i broke them! He wants to buy a new luxury car to replace His beautiful luxury car and while at a Toyota dealership with Swimmer Guy’s vehicle, texted a picture of a Prius that said, “New Prius. 37k. I could buy three of them [for the one luxury car He wants to buy].” He wraps gifts of expensive jewelry not in wrapping paper, but $1500 designer purses!

When Maximus told me early on that He wanted me to travel with Him, i made sure to let Him know that i would not go with Him as a free ride, that i expected to pay my share. He’d been talking about us going to St. Barth’s and said, “you won’t be able to afford to go there,” to which i replied, “Well, then You’ll have to give me a year or two notice so i can save up.” He took me to Las Vegas for my birthday last year and other than my airfare, which i insisted on paying, He paid for the entire trip, including some very, very expensive meals.

As time has passed, Maximus has been more insistent on paying for things, buying things for me. i work very hard to make sure i reciprocate, paying for meals, dividing lodging expenses equally. In fact, because Maximus used His credit card when we made reservations for this trip, i gave Him a check for half of the amount, and i expected that i was going to have to raise a stink to get Him to deposit it (He did the next day, initially expecting to destroy the check but deciding that action was not worth the consequences He would face from me for doing so). i’ve just never wanted to be a gold digger. It’s been very important to me. When He paid for our Valentine’s dinner the previous night, which was very expensive, in my book, He cooed, “You’re a cheap date!”

His bonus made it clear how large the financial gap is between us. It started to make me feel very uncomfortable, feeling that i just couldn’t keep up with Him, couldn’t keep up with paying my way with the places He wants to take me and things He wants to buy and do. It bothered me for several reasons, first, i don’t want to feel like i’m taking advantage of Him, His money had nothing to do with the draw i have toward or the love i have for Him; second, i do make great money, much more than most women and many men for that matter, and i’ve been the major breadwinner in my past marriages, have never felt beholden before; third, i did not want to be like JB, Maximus’ 2nd wife, who took advantage of His wealth and spent His money handily; and last, i just didn’t want to slow Him down or be a drag.

i started talking to Maximus about this, especially after He started showing me the Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur, California where He wants to take me…the 5th best luxury resort in the US. i picked out where we were staying for this weekend, finding a very beautiful guest home adjacent to a main house with a 70-foot indoor lap pool so we could do our workouts, and was inexpensive, $110 a night. Maximus was telling me how wonderful it was, what a change as in the past He happily, without trepidation would’ve easily paid five- to ten times that rate–i was showing Him value, and He appreciated it as He’d not known value like this was out there. He loved where we’d stayed in Bend, Oregon, is excited to stay in the condo we will stay at in Lake Las Vegas on an upcoming trip, both of which i picked out and had similar rates. But even at those rates and splitting expenses, and other trips planned to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, i’m getting to the end of my discretionary spending and afraid i’m not going to be able to continue.

i tried explaining this to Him. And he wasn’t getting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, but I just don’t understand what you’re saying. This isn’t a blue/8 problem…you’re speaking Swahili to Me and I just don’t get it.” It was emotional for me and my eyes teared up and i started to cry as i spoke to Him. i explained how terrified i was about breaking the $100 bottle of wine He’d given me and how i couldn’t even imagine opening it. “Why not? Drink it! It’s only a $100 bottle of wine and it’s for you to drink!” He admonished.

“i can’t,” i explained, “it’s a $100 bottle of wine…how can i drink that? The most expensive bottle of wine i have ever had was $40 and i get nervous buying anything over $14.”

“It’s a $100 bottle of wine, that’s nothing. Someone one gave Me a $1,000 bottle of wine,” He replied.

“Did you open it?” i inquired.

“Hell no! It was a $1,000 bottle of wine!!”

i responded, “Well, my $100 bottle of wine is Your $1,000 bottle of wine. Hell no i didn’t open it!”

“Ok, I get it.”

He explained that our relationship isn’t a competition. Maximus isn’t buying things expecting me to reimburse Him. There’s no tally sheet. It makes Him happy to do this and i repay Him by making Him happy–and i need to learn to accept this. And i’m teaching Him value, He’s discovering things He didn’t know were out there and available. He also explained that He’s never, ever had anyone who paid their way, or even more, picked up the tab for Him like i have; it’s been a big change for Him and He’s allowed it because He realized it was important to me. “I’m used to $500 dinner tabs, or more with JB. We even had a $1000 per person dinner in Chicago once…a $120 dinner tab like last night is nothing.”

“Pay what you can, because I know it’s important to you. If I decide we should go to Key West and you can only afford to contribute $35, pay $35. If we’re going to Europe and you can’t pay anything, don’t pay anything. If you want to pay half and can afford it, do it. If you want to pick up the tab, do it, I won’t argue with you about it. Whatever makes you happy. I’m happy to pay because you make Me happy.” He continued. And then joked about me paying the rest of it with sex and bondage, which made us laugh!

This is a big submission for me. And i hadn’t thought of it that way until we’d had this conversation. Taking me to beautiful places and getting things for me are ways Maximus feels He is taking care of me, sharing His life with me. This isn’t a chess game, there is no score card.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, financial submission, Living M/s, relationship | Leave a comment

i’m Not Her…

The day after our wonderful dinner, presents, and play, Maximus and i headed to the San Juan Islands to continue our belated Valentine’s Day weekend. The San Juans are a group of islands between Washington State and Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. They are absolutely beautiful and neither of us had been there for years and years.

To get to the San Juans from Seattle, you take a ferry out of Anacortes, Washington, about an hour and a half north. We took back roads and stopped in little towns along the way to shop and eat. While Maximus was driving, i offered to read aloud from Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships, by Dan and dawn Williams of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast. We both love Dan and dawn’s podcasts and enjoy discussing things we hear from them–they bring up a lot of great topics for us to discuss, many of which we haven’t thought of. The book was no different and we had many revelations!

Here are some things we discussed and learned:

  • While our initial intention was to just do D/s in the bedroom, it has grown to encompass our entire relationship. Originally, we were under the impression that D/s had to be very strict and required the sub to be very constricted, chained and without freedom. But what we’ve come to understand is that there are any levels of D/s and each relationship seeks its own level. i prefer to be submissive to Maximus, it pleases me to serve Him and give myself to His pleasure and needs, and to follow His leadership. It is important to Maximus that i have free will, but He enjoys being Dominant in the relationship, being the final decision-maker, receiving the gifts of my submission, and being responsible for my well-being. i need someone i can surrender to, someone strong enough to handle that. Mutual respect is huge in our relationship. 

Our Total Power Exchange relationship is not anyone else’s Total Power Exchange relationship, and that is exactly how it should be. This does not make our D/s relationship any less or more than anyone else’s–it’s ours and that’s what matters.

  • Living D/s allows us to be completely authentic. Both of us have had two failed marriages each, that’s four failed relationships. And what’s very interesting is that our pathway through our marriage histories are very similar. For both of us, we were not our authentic selves in our first marriages, we had outside relationships looking to fill voids we felt in our marriages, for a variety of reasons. Interestingly, our first marriages were the longest. In our second marriages, we thought we were being authentic and thought our spouses were being authentic as well, but we discovered otherwise. 

Maximus and i have shared everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i have shared with Him things i never, ever wanted anyone else to know about me, especially my relationship partner(s); He has done the same. These communications are often painful and embarrassing, but freeing and has grown our trust with each other. Not only do we still love each other after learning about our truths, we love each other more for it.  

  • We both need love to be a part of our Total Power Exchange relationship. And this love needs to be monogamous. i have never been able to surrender to anyone as i do with Maximus, and this is due to the trust and love we have. While we are swingers and play with many others, together and separately, we separate sex and love, and sex with others is simply that, sex, not love. We have both struggled, and have had serious conflict in our relationship and with past relationships, with the concept of polyamory, to the point where i have become angry jealous over a misconception that Maximus was in love with another woman. Neither of us can do polyamory. 

Maximus’ previous marriage evolved into polyamorous situations, not necessarily intentionally, but not discouraged when it happened. It started out as Maximus encouraging JB to have swinging relationships to spend time with while He traveled so much for business and left her home alone. When she confessed to falling in love with these individuals and expressed desires to investigate that more, Maximus did not discourage this. This occurred multiple times and eventually led to the breakup of their marriage. Maximus did not engage in the same pursuit and these were V-polyamorous relationships in that Maximus and JB were married, JB and the other male had a love-relationship, but Maximus and the other male were not connected. JB had tried to get Maximus to engage one of her love interest’s wives into a poly relationship, but this did not happen.

Maximus thought that JB was being honest with Him about these relationships and didn’t think they risked the demise of their primary relationship as she insisted that wasn’t the case. Because she wasn’t truthful and it blindsided Him, Maximus has developed a fear of me leaving Him, thus the rule in our contract that we only sleep with each other. Through our discussions about our relationship and fears, etc., Maximus has come to realize that i’m not her–and this is a HUGE revelation for us. We discussed it and are amending our contact accordingly to reflect this.

  • We both thrive in an authentic, honest, over-communicated relationship. And we expect this of each other. Dan and dawn describe the chess game in their previous relationships, how interactions/decisions were win-lose; actions and communications were made by consciously deciding what you were willing to give up in order to get your way with something else. We both could so relate to this and absolutely abhor the chess game we’ve had to endure in our past relationships. We don’t ever have to strategize. When we discuss something, we don’t have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive and can trust that their answer is honest.
  • While we do trust each other completely, thrive in an environment of complete and total communication, we have had some complete breakdowns in communication, full of conflict, hurt, and disrespect. 

Now, if you’re familiar with group dynamic theory, you are familiar with the concepts of Forming-Storming-Norming-Performing. Forming is just selecting the group and in our case, is finding each other and transforming into a committed relationship. Storming is that necessary time in developing a group, any sized group, where they work out group function, mores, communication styles, discover their differences, and where different ideas compete for consideration. It can be contentious and full of conflict, and for the group to succeed, they must struggle through it. In the Norming stage, the group, through storming, has developed their goals and plans and know how all individuals work together. Finally, in Performing, the group functions smoothly, has developed decision-making processes, and deals with conflict without dissent. The group can revert back to previous stages by external influences and have to go through the process as they react to changing circumstances.

i can see this cycle in our relationship. While conflict is painful, it is so necessary. i know that Maximus would prefer not to have the conflict that occurs in the Storming phase. We have talked a lot about this and how to communicate to avoid this conflict. But, we have learned so much and grown so much from these conflicts that they really were necessary evils. i believe Maximus’ fear is that this will be the norm for how we deal with conflict–i know that this is part of our development and we are moving, if not already have moved, to the Norming and Performing stages of our relationship.

Dan and dawn discuss Porch Time in their book and on their podcasts. Porch Time can be called by any partner to move out onto the porch and have a neutral space to express themselves without the hierarchy constraints of D/s or be punished for what or how things are expressed. This is the last resort where all other avenues of congenial communication have broken down. They have used this only a few times in their long relationship.

Maximus asked me to listen to their podcast about Porch Time and we discussed it several weeks ago and then discussed it again when i read this chapter. What was fascinating was that Maximus felt that Porch Time was a place where you took notice that the other person had something very critical to talk about and would do it in a constructive manner with, “i feel..”, or “i would like…”, etc, not the intention of Porch Time where you had a highly heated, no-holds-barred, verbal fight that could include all those horrible disrespectful things like name-calling. It’s the “I/i can’t take it anymore” explosion. Neither of us want Porch Time to be our main means of communication, and it shouldn’t be! Dan and dawn weren’t presenting it as such. What’s important is that in the few times that communication fails completely and You/you are at Your/your wits end, you have a place without judgment or repercussions to speak freely and fully honestly, in whatever ugly face that has. The goal is to not have to ever have to use the porch and to use effective communication to resolve conflict, but the porch is there.

When i realized that Maximus and i weren’t understanding the Porch Time concept in the same way, i decided to use a sports analogy. Picture a basketball game where your normally even-keeled, level-headed player is having a bad game, acting out, getting personal fouls, behaving unsportsmanlike and really destroying everyone’s game. What does the coach do? They pull them out of the game, or maybe they got thrown out of the game by a third-party referee. Does the coach confront them right there on the sidelines, no, what do they say? “Take it to the Locker Room!” and they have it out there. It’s not pretty, it’s bare and raw and emotional. It gets it all out. Is this how you normally deal with your basketball player? Heavens No! Do you ever even WANT to go through this? No! This is how you flush out this bad behavior, blow out the steam. Normally you coach and build relationships. This is the last resort and the intention is to be perfectly blunt about this player’s destructive behavior, hope it gets it all out and resolved so they go back to being the high-performing, well-behaved team player next game. Maximus totally got this and was very relieved to understand that this method of communication was a last resort, not the normal means of communicating. So for us, we have Take it to the Locker Room, instead of Porch Time, and we hope to never have to use it, but we know it’s there should it be necessary.

  • We love the sexual aspect of our D/s relationship. i love being the slut Maximus desires and will do anything to please Him in this way. We both love searching for my limits. Is sex our relationship? NO! Maximus is 21 years older than i am and He honestly expressed His feelings about what happens when He’s 70, 80, 90 and how we deal with the sexual aspect of our relationship.

We both love being at swingers events and hearing our partner having sex with another person. We know the sounds, giggle at the reactions the other person has at what our partner loves to do. We come and watch, we participate. He loves nothing more than to direct me to do things with others. This direction is often more sexual for Maximus than actually having sexual intercourse. In fact, us alone together, with the BDSM components of our sexual play from the scenes He creates, can be more sexually satisfying than intercourse for Maximus. Direction even includes Him directing scenes involving others, setting up scenes at a distance for me to comply with. Beyond this, Maximus loves hearing me tell Him the details of my sexual encounters with others, in descriptive detail, and even watching via Skype or Facetime.

  • Discipline is one aspects of our D/s relationship that may differ from many other D/s relationships. And i don’t mean that we lack discipline, but that physical discipline is not a major component of our relationship. i am very sensitive to disappointing anyone, especially Maximus, so it is difficult for Maximus to add insult to injury by disciplining me harshly. My training is accomplished though meeting His expectations, achieving goals, and being coached to accomplish them or learn from missing the mark. i enjoy being physically spanked, flogged, cropped, so these traditionally physical punishments are not effective for me. This difference in our relationship made us feel that perhaps we were not following the rules of D/s, but we understand better now that this is just our way.

This is as far as we got through the book. We will definitely continue this process when we are together as it is fascinating and so helpful. We did have some awesome further revelations this weekend that were not related to the readings from Living M/s and will be the topic of my next blog post.

While the revelation that i am not JB is not the theme of this post, Maximus felt it was so huge that He asked that i use this as the title when i blogged about it. i find it fascinating that something that most people fear, kinky, power exchange, BDSM relationships, can be so revealing and freeing. For us, D/s helps us confront and deal with our fears, the same fears that are often present in vanilla relationships, such as abandonment, and does this so much more effectively, for us, than in traditional relationships.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM podcasts, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dan and dawn, discipine, Dom/sub, Erotic Awakening, Living M/s, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle, Total Power Exchange | Leave a comment

Speaking Pieces

Maximus and i have discovered PODCASTS! What an amazing resource these have become for us.

It started with Masocast, a BDSM/fetish podcast from New York City hosted primarily by a submissive male, sometimes with his Dom female. i found this podcast by searching BDSM in iTunes when the new Podcasts app came out with the latest iOS upgrade for my iPhone. This has been a great podcast for us to listen to, has brought up a lot of discussion. One of our favorite episodes was a recent interview with Bendyogagirl, a submissive female who has recently made the move to Seattle–yay, our town! But for the most part, however, Masocast has been a bit more focused on Dominant females as the host is a submissive male, and has had Maximus desiring a podcast with a more male D/s female focus.

After listening to Bendyogagirl’s interview, i’d mentioned something about her to Maximus in a text and He replied that she’d slept with her butt plug in that night. What?!? How do you know that?? i replied. Well, Maximus has discovered Twitter and had started following her and she’d tweeted about that. So i figured i needed to get on Twitter too so i could get all the juicy BDSM/kink details in the world out there. So you can now find me on Twitter at gabriellagift!

The reason i bring up Twitter is that it has opened up a whole new world of podcasts for us to listen to! We have discovered The Dark Side with Dark Angel and Knot Nice, two Dominant males from Canada who talk all about BDSM/kink. And through them, we discovered Dan and dawn of the Erotic Awakening podcast, which we absolutely LOVE!!! Both of these podcasts have brought up tons of discussion points for us, and we really connect with Dan and dawn’s energy and style. We have taken up letting each other know which podcast episodes were are listening to so we can listen as close to simultaneously as possible and then call or text or email during or after to talk about what we’ve learned or want to learn from each other about what was brought up. i’ve been wanting Maximus to read some of the books i’ve read on BDSM/kink and D/s so we could discuss topics, but He’s been crazy busy, so this is an excellent option for Him. Interestingly enough, Dan and dawn’s book, Living M/s, was already on my Amazon Kindle wish list–i didn’t know they had a podcast!

So i am anxious to start blogging on discussion points Maximus and i encounter while we listen to these podcasts. i’ll also post more podcasts we find as we come across them. And, if you have podcasts you love, please share them with us.

Categories: BDSM podcasts, Bendyogagirl, Dan and dawn, Erotic Awakening, Living M/s, Masocast, The Dark Side podcast | Leave a comment

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