swinging lifestyle

A Better Day


It’s a much better day today. Last night i had a chance to visit with my dear friend, Mmmm, who is also D/s, but lives on the other side of the country, and she really helped me get over what happened (see Apparently i Screwed Up). She assured me that i hadn’t done anything wrong and that some people in D/s are more or less militant and we are. And she told me that the person who called me out at the munch for making our introductions was out of line as well. Basically, we’ve just had some bad encounters as we have started our journey into finding like-minded friends, but that we should not let that discourage us. We’re not discouraged, but i’m more cautious now, for sure.

We’ve been planning on going to a D/s discussion group we found on FetLife. Because of what has happened, i decided to email the submissive group coordinator to find out if this would be a good group for us to attend, some insight into rules/protocol, etc. and she sent back a very lovely message encouraging us to attend. So we will. It’s in a little over a week.

Tonight, if the weather holds out, we are hosting friends, Buck and Red, we met at Desire three years ago and see every year at that takeover. Funny, they live just miles away and we have such difficulty getting together! We’re trying to rectify that, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a big snowstorm coming tonight and in Seattle, a dusting of snow causes complete chaos on the roads. And Maximus is trying to fly home, going through Portland, Oregon, which is having a major ice storm. Gah! i’m still planning on everyone being here–we’ll see!

And we got revisions from the architect last night. Still working on some changes with him, but the plans look a lot better! We will have some posts in the Dungeon Room, it appears, and he tried to hide them with closets, but i want the room to be as large as possible and posts are actually good for that room–there are things we can do with them–so i’ve asked him to remove the closets. i’ll post plans when we get updates from him. It’d be great if we can get this all finalized before the end of the year and move onto the next phase of the project.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM dungeon, Life on the Swingset, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

Apparently i Screwed Up


i haven’t cried myself to sleep for a long time, but i did last night. i’m feeling a combination of hurt, embarrassed, confused, shocked, sad, frustrated, and pissed off. i’m glad that Maximus was home with me, for a brief time, even though He probably didn’t get the sleep He needed with my emotional tossing and turning. And yesterday had been such a great day up until right then.

While Maximus and i have been in swinging lifestyle for years and years, BDSM is relatively new for us. We branched into it four years ago, together, and it has been a roller coaster ride of discovery. It’s taken us much of this time, especially the first two years, to figure out our relationship, a lot of trial and error, researching, reading, listening to podcasts, talking with friends and acquaintances, some classes, revisions, etc., and we’ve been able to distill down into what works for us. But we’ve done it alone. We don’t really have a peer group–BDSM has been something we’ve done in a relative vacuum.

After this last Desire trip with the Life on the Swingset group we love, Maximus and i discussed needing to find a like-minded community here locally. We have been so fortunate to find and develop wonderful friends with this group who are into BDSM, D/s, and swinging. It’s nice to have people to talk to, learn from, have fun with, and feel true to ourselves. But they all live far away and we would like to have similar connections here at home so we don’t just have that physically once a year or emotionally at a distance.

So Maximus has tasked me with finding/cultivating a local community for us. We went to a munch, we went to a new swinger’s club that has been temporarily housing a kink community looking for a new physical location, i’ve signed us up for some classes, updated our Fet Life profiles, scheduled ourselves to go to other munches and a D/s discussion group, to get us out there. And i’ve started reaching out to other couples on our swinging sites, as during the last two years we’ve not really cultivated a lot of new swinging friendship due to time constraints of remodeling the condo, me healing from hypothyroidism, and then moving.

It’s not particularly easy for me to contact others on swinger dating website, in fact it takes a lot of effort. i am, by nature, introverted, although outgoing and not shy, and searching websites and going through the process of writing introduction messages is exhausting and time consuming. i struggle with what to say, worry about whether they will like us, and it drains my energy into slight anxiety over the whole affair. i would much rather sit there and wait for people to contact us, but it is not how it works. Maximus knows this about me. He is the complete opposite, but really wants me to work through my struggle and frankly doesn’t have the time to devote to this search. And besides, i am much pickier than He is, so it’s better for me to find people in the end. Further, i don’t feel comfortable, at all, contacting unknown people on FetLife  as it doesn’t seem like a search site, and won’t do that.

So imagine my surprise and complete glee when we got a random friend request on a swinger website Monday morning. It was on the website for the kink-hosting swinger club we toured this past weekend, and i didn’t even know you could search profiles or contact people through that site until we received the message. i logged on and while i could see their picture and screen name, i couldn’t figure out how to send them a message. But i really, REALLY wanted to because i could tell they were D/s (His name was capitalized, hers was not, and they both had to do with rope). So as this was the group that was hosting the rope class we are taking this weekend, i decided to look on the FetLife event page to see if they had possibly RSVP’d, and lo and behold, the D-half had!

i looked through their Fet pages and determined they seemed like a great match! They were indeed D/s and into rope, which Maximus is wanting to learn. His profile said he wouldn’t accept friend requests from submissive-types and her profile said all correspondence had to go through him, which is typical, i’ve found. Maximus was traveling for work and i just couldn’t wait to share with Him what had happened, what had literally fallen into our laps!

Maximus was thrilled and asked me to contact them. i told Him the only way i could was through Fet as the other page wouldn’t allow me to. He instructed me to message him from my Fet page, letting him know He’d asked me to do this for Him. So i did. And yesterday Maximus got a wonderful reply from him. However, Maximus was still away for work and unable to read the message or reply to it. He asked me to log into His page to read the message and then reply to him. This couple was planning on going to the same rope class and we really wanted to arrange some time to meet with them. i was greatly concerned that me replying to this Dominant through Maximus’ page would be deceitful and a poor way to start a relationship with a D/s couple. Maximus agreed and instructed me to message Him from my page, letting him know He’d instructed me to message him that He was traveling for work and would not be able to respond until after Thursday. So i did this. i was very careful with my pronouns, very respectful, acknowledged that this was unconventional but that Maximus really didn’t want to leave him hanging so long.

i had gotten confused and thought Maximus was not coming home until Thursday, but it turns out He was coming home last night and then flying out again in the morning. Once i figured it out, i could hardly contain my excitement realizing that He and i would be able to go through the messages from this Dominant and look at their profiles together to discuss it all. So once Maximus got home, which was late, i got my phone while we were in bed to read the messages to Him and share the profile. However, when i went to do this, i discovered that this Dominant had blocked us. Not me, but BOTH of us! i was horrified and shocked!

“Maybe it was a mistake,” Maximus said trying to comfort me, “I’ve accidentally hit the wrong thing on those sites and accidentally deleted or blocked people.”

But it wasn’t a mistake. A mistake would be blocking one of us…this was intentional, we were both blocked.

i instantly started to cry as emotions swirled through and around me. i’m sad that we’ve seemed to have lost an opportunity to meet a similar couple in our area. i’m horribly embarrassed that i did something wrong by messaging him rather than just letting it hang for Maximus to reply. i’m upset at myself for not just having us wait for Maximus respond and sending the message through my profile rather than somehow knowing i should suggest otherwise. i’m hurt and shocked that this person blocked us rather than just letting us know we’d crossed a boundary with them. And i’m frustrated and pissed off that we just can’t seem to get any inroads into local BDSM here.

The thing is, we’re new at this and we’ve not given anyone the impression otherwise. This BDSM couple found US on a swingers site, not a BDSM site, that describes that we’ve been swingers for years and new into BDSM and looking for like-minded people. Our Fetlife profiles reflect this as well. We are trying to find people so we can learn how to navigate this world of kink, find mentors, and we’re going to make mistakes. We don’t even know what we don’t know! i feel like the teenager looking for their first job that has no experience but needs experience to apply! And right now this whole BDSM community feels so elitist, i hate to admit that.

So now, instead of feeling excited and looking forward to our rope class this weekend, i’m embarrassed, anxious, and dreading it. First, because i’m afraid we are going to encounter someone who’s upset with us, and second, because i’m disappointed with the encounters we’ve had so far, with the munch and now this. i feel like an island.

i know, if i had a friend who came to me and told me about this situation i would see it from the perspective that this person did us a favor, that would you really want to be involved with a Dominant who would treat you, both of you, this way? And the answer is no, i wouldn’t. But from my perspective, i’m hurt, feel rejected, and have no way to apologize for doing something i didn’t know was wrong. And i feel responsible for making Maximus look bad to someone in this community–that’s the worst.

And i just don’t even know where we fit in anymore. We’re too kinky for swingers and too swinger for kinksters. i feel like i just got another slap of “you stupid swingers” from someone in kink, first the comment during the munch that i shouldn’t have been doing our introduction, and now this. And it’s so different from what we experience with our Swingset friends, where i can talk to, text, and email with the D half just as well as the s type. i just need a friend and some guidance.

Categories: BDSM, D/s, insecurities, Life on the Swingset, Rejection, swinging lifestyle | 2 Comments

The Girlfriend Experience, Part Two


i love going out in the vanilla world with lifestyle friends as i can be cheeky and inappropriate without them getting all embarrassed or in a huff about it. When RunnerGirl and i got to our trail race to check in, the registrar handed us our race bibs and explained that we were to wear our bibs on the front as they would be manually entering our finish times, and then as soon as we crossed the finish line, someone would come and “tear off our bottoms,” pointing to a perforated tab at the bottom of the bib, “to be entered into a raffle.” Well…i couldn’t help it, giggled and replied aloud, “RunnerGirl, i love this race already…they tear off your bottoms at the finish line! Woo Hoo!” And she laughed and giggled with me! No “Ohmigod I can’t believe you said that,” or “Shhh, don’t be so embarrassing,” just simple entertainment, giggles, and common thinking.

The race was great! We finished a minute apart, again, a good match. We headed to our respective homes to clean up, rest, and get ready to get together again that night for the lifestyle party. She was trying to get her husband to go with us, but he opted out, so it was just us girls.

RunnerGirl got here about 9:30. i was in the midst of changing. She looked amazing in a tight, short red sheath dress and red heels and i wore a slinky metallic silver dress slit up FullSizeRenderthe front and back to upper tight and down the front almost to my navel. I love that dress, had bought it years ago to wear when Maximus and i went to our first trip to Vegas together. i paired it with my favorite glittery Jimmy Choo’s Maximus bought me in Vegas last year.

We Uber’ed it to the event. It was billed as a new lifestyle club in the Sodo area of Seattle, started by a group that has had lifestyle parties for years. Turns out, it wasn’t so much a club like I’m used to, with a fixed location like Sesso, New Horizons, Couples Oasis, Les Chandelles, etc, rather a large lifestyle party held in an event center, more like a hotel takeover. That had a big drawback–no lockers. i had to carry my purse the whole time, which was a big bummer for me. i’d brought a larger purse so i could carry both of our cell phones and wallets, so it wasn’t conducive for dancing or just being free and unencumbesodo partyred. It was in a great location, though, and had a bar and dance floor with a DJ in one building and the play areas were across a closed alley in another building. They had a fire pit with all the supplies for smores in that alley, which was a neat touch.

The play area was sexy, three floors with several rooms of gothic art, dark motifs, etc., massage tables, lots of towels and sheets, and a hot tub. We wandered around and took it all in. People weren’t playing yet, so it was a good time to see what all was there.

However, there were a few things that bothered me about this event that kept us from playing. First, no one checked to make sure we had tickets and anyone could walk into either building without confirming they were with the event. There were Tyvek wrist bands on the entry table and  i asked if we needed one to go in and out, but the greeters said no. We even checked again before going out to the spa building. The greeter at the spa building only checked to make sure we didn’t have alcohol and to let us know to shower before using the hot tub, not whether we were really with the group. This lack of security made it undesirable to play as anyone could’ve walked in and started taking pictures, etc. Second, there was no communication about cell phones. There were lots of phones out and pictures taken, including the spa building. Heck, i took pictures (not of people playing, however)! Usually lifestyle clubs ban the use of cell phones inside or require stickers be placed over camera lenses in order to use the phone. It just didn’t seem secure there, so with all of that and having to lug my purse around, it kinda killed my desire to play there–RunnerGirl felt the same way.

We met other people there, nice people. The folks in attendance were great quality, nicely dressed, upscale. We visited several times with a couple who arrived the same time we did and there were some people there i’ve played with before. The first person i knew was half of a couple i had first met and played with at Sesso with The Seal and then later at one of her parties with Maximus. She was thrilled to see me and asked if i knew that he had taken his life last week. We spoke about The Seal for a bit and then parted ways, promising to get in contact again. Next was a couple Maximus and i had met at a lifestyle party years ago, the first lifestyle house party i’d attended with Maximus outside of M&S’s group. This couple had been a triad and i’d had super fun with him (the two girls played a lot with each other that night, rather than with others). They are now just a couple and were very excited to see me and hoped to get together with Maximus and me again.

RunnerGirl and i wandered through the play building and briefly watched people play. We returned to the entry building where they were just moving a stripper pole into the middle of the dance floor. They were trying to drum up women to compete in a stripper pole dance competition, but no one was interested. RunnerGirl was dying to dance on the pole, which i encouraged her to do…and she did! i put my purse at the edge of the platform and joined her, swirling, bumping, grinding, and kissing together as we danced. It was the highlight of the night!

Well, i did win a raffle prize too–at the lifestyle club, not the trail race!

raffle prize

We held hands on the Uber ride home, giggled and talked about the night and plans for next weekend. It really was a great weekend, a great girlfriend experience, and one i hope to have for a long time.

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, swinging, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

The Girlfriend Experience, Part One


A few weeks ago i came across a profile of a bisexual single woman on one of our swinger sites. The profile picture caught my eye because it was a race photo, and i’m attracted to athletic people. Her profile intrigued me:

Looking to meet women for friendship. My ideal person is someone who is active (I’m a runner), likes to go to movies or concerts, dancing, out for a glass of wine. Happy going out or staying in.

Hmmmm, i thought, interesting. But what exactly does she mean? Is she looking for just friends or FWB? So i messaged her. (Please note, i use the capital I when writing in non-D/s situations, so you will see that in the following messages.)

Hello, this is the female half. I came across your profile and am interested in knowing more. I am a runner too, as well as triathlete. What specifically are you looking for?
Looking forward to hearing from you.

And she replied (always a good sign)!

Hi! I’m looking for female friendship. If the friendship grows to fwb that’s great, if not, that’s fine too. I’d like to have friends that I share things in common … go to concerts, dancing, plays, things like that.

We were/have been in the swing lifestyle for a long time. We have retained a few friends over the years (none of them are here – we are new to the area) but, mostly, we have found that those relationships are VERY short-term. So that’s NOT what I’m looking for.

Do you run road, trails, both?


Well i have to admit i was so intrigued! Maximus was traveling and i told Him about what i had found. Really, what intrigued me the most was that she was looking for women friends–on a lifestyle site! That made so much sense to me and i thought it was just brilliant. Why hadn’t i thought of that? i mean, sex is great, but what Maximus and i strive for is friendships in lifestyle. And being new to this area, having moved up to be with Maximus just over a year ago, i really am looking for friends since mine all live hours and hours away.

So i wrote back:

I think that’s great! I never would have thought to search for that on this site, but I’m so glad you did.

We’ve been in the swing lifestyle for a long time as well. In fact, we met through mutual swinger friends and had a long distance relationship for several years until I finally just moved up here. I’ve been here for about a year and a half. I had a great network of running/triathlon friends where I was before, but I’ve just not been able to recreate that here yet, so I’m really interested in what you’re looking for.

I don’t live too far from you. I train primarily on trails up here and just started doing trail races last year. I’ve done mostly road races in the past.

I’d be happy to chat, either on this site or through some other means, and/or meet for coffee sometime. I look forward to getting to know you.

i loved her reply:

I guess I came here to find friends with like minds because it is very tiresome to have to constantly hide my lifestyle choices. Even though this is a more progressive thinking part of the country, I really don’t want my neighbors or work mates knowing “that” side of my life. Probably a hold over from living back east, neighbors here may not care. But some just won’t know what to think and I don’t want problems for our kids. So, here I am.

We started to chat off-site–Maximus allows this. And we really seemed to match. She is married and her husband allows for single play with women. We met for drinks several days later and it was wonderful! She is intelligent, out-going, sexy, funny, and we talked for hours over wine and appetizers. We departed with a goodbye kiss that left us both wanting for more.
So we made time for more!

Maximus had a swim meet back East with SwimmerGuy the end of last week through the weekend, Wednesday through Sunday, so RunnerGirl and i decided to spend some time together. Maximus was thrilled! Initially, it was just to have her over for wine and girl time, but as the week and our anticipation progressed, it turned into Friday evening wine and girl time, an overnight at our house, a Saturday morning trail race, and next night grand opening gala for a new lifestyle club in Seattle!

It was exciting! i hadn’t had a girlfriend overnight in years. i wasn’t sure what to wear! So icheeky lace settled with a sheer cream light knit sweater with a plunging key-hole neckline with a sexy burgundy bra underneath–one that matched sexy burgundy cheeky panties with a cut-out back and ribbon trussing–and boyfriend skimmer jeans with sexy heeled black sandals. She arrived in alicea trench coat–that’s a great start! Underneath she had a short-sleeved deep v-necked red ruched tee with a short black mini skirt, Alice in Wonderland tattoo-style tights, and red patent leather heels.

After a tour of the house, we settled in the master closet–yes, really! We are going to see Kinky Boots next weekend and my stipulation is that we both have to wear kinky boots–she doesn’t have any. Fortunately, i have a wide range of kinky boots, so we set on a mission to see which pair would work for her! And we found a winner, to be displayed in a future post after we go to the musical.

We returned downstairs and talked for hours over a bottle of wine. It really is a good connection with her. We talked about everything from life, swinging, running, families, my D/s with Maximus. Finally, it was getting super late and we’d not played yet and had a race in the morning! So we went upstairs to the bedroom.

i took her into the secure storage room and we went through the toy cabinet to see if there was anything she wanted to use in our play. She selected the stacked Wartenberg wheel as the only toy she brought was her single Wartenberg wheel, then the spiky gloves, the Hitachi wand, and the “mom” double ended dildo. i grabbed the Injoyus strapless strap-on and the double ended glass dildo.

And then we played! It was so great! She tasted and felt so good! We really didn’t even use a lot of the toys. We rode the Hitachi together, i fucked her with the Injoyus and we both had squirting orgasms, i used her Wartenberg wheel on her and she used mine on me, rolling it over breasts and in our groins around our pussies, and i fucked her with the glass dildo.

We finally went to sleep around 3 and got up at 6 to get ready for our race! She tried to talk us out of going, to no avail. After a shared bath and some breakfast, we were out the door! All smiles!

To be continued…

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, playing separate, swinging, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment


raising cairn

Raising Cairn – Celeste Roberge

This wasn’t the post i planned to write today. Really, i was going to start writing again and explain the absence, but then our world was rocked.

We learned that The Seal took his life.

i thought i had written more about The Seal, but when i searched my posts i could not find as much as i thought there would be. He was a lifestyle friend, swinging, not BDSM, and really a good one for me. We found each other online, both athletic and confident, single, looking for sexy friends. This was some time after One Guy and i divorced, before Maximus and i had gotten reacquainted, and i was just starting to swing single. Swinging single was new for me and i was very nervous doing it alone.

After a little bit of chatting online, The Seal and i met for breakfast. i hadn’t planned on playing on the first date, just get to know him, but we hit it off so well and i was so turned on, that i invited him back to my house to play. It was great! He was strong and driving, had great stamina, was confident in bed, playful, and loved to make me squirt–all things i love in bed. We collapsed in a sweaty heap, visiting, and went at it again!

We became frequent play partners, either meeting at my house or his, or at the swinLost in Subspaceg club in Portland. i hated going to the club solo, so it was wonderful to have a partner to go with again! i remember one time, The Seal was fucking my brains out in a private room with the curtains open. i was only wearing my ribbon laced boots and we had drawn a huge crowd. We finished, dressed, and pushed our way through the crowd at our window and surprisingly encountered One Guy and his date–he obviously had been watching and didn’t realize it was me until he looked down at my legs and incredulously exclaimed, “Nice boots!” It was a great moment!

We had countless moments as sex partners, but he was a great friend too. We trained for triathlons together, he was my “plus one” for parties, even when i got involved with Maximus. He was someone i never hesitated to introduce to others, whether it they were vanilla or lifestyle. He was my first DVP with Mountain Man! One of my happiest memories was the day he did a sprint distance triathlon with his 9-year-old son, his son’s first tri–it was a glorious day and one i will never forget–such joy!

Maximus and The Seal became friends as well. There was never any animosity between them. The Seal was there the first time i took Maximus to the swing club in Portland–the infamous Kink Night. Maximus was so amazed at the suspensions, floggings, BDSM apparatus, that He went a little haywire, flitting here and there throughout the club, so much so that The Seal and i sent him off to watch the spectacle while we played. The Seal asked me many times if everything was okay with Maximus that night, so surprised by His wide-eyed, boyish behavior, and out of concern for me. That’s how he was.

He became part of the group with M&S. Highly regarded and reputed for his stamina. One of the most repeated one liners often blurted out at their parties is, “I—-LOVE—-YOU—GABRIELLA!!” A breathless sentence shouted by my friend Busty Blondie while being pounded by The Seal his first time at one of  M&S’s parties.

Shortly before i moved up to be with Maximus, The Seal texted me that he wanted to meet his new “beautiful fiancé.” He’d been seeing a woman for about a year, long distance, and i’d not met her–i assumed it was her. i asked, “Wow, is this the same gf?” and he replied, “No, new girl.” i was shocked, because he literally had just taken his girlfriend to a meetup in Virginia to meet military friends. i asked if his fiancé was lifestyle and he replied that she was but that they were not currently playing. We never did get to meet her and they were married one month later.

We kinda lost touch, other than Facebook. i’d moved, he was married to someone i wasn’t sure was in the lifestyle, so we reverted to vanilla friends. And i was okay with that. He looked happy!

Two weeks ago was M&S’s last play party at their beautiful cabin near Mt. Hood, Oregon. M hostagehas been working overseas for the past year and the property is just too much for S to maintain on her own–and she misses him. They are selling the property and then she will be moving overseas to be with him. S mentioned that The Seal might be coming, but she wasn’t sure. She and i went through a party “lost and found” box and we found one of his t-shirts. Wanting to entice him to come, i sent him a picture with the comment, “i’m holding your shirt hostage.” He replied, “I’ll be there in an hour!” We were all thrilled he was coming.

Dinner was over and we were already playing when The Seal arrived. i came down and greeted him. He had a couple bites to eat and i asked how his lovely wife was doing, and he replied, “It’s a fucking disaster, I’ll tell you about it afterward.” We went upstairs and fucked, and it was an angry fuck–so obviously so that even Maxiums and S commented on it later.

We ended up in the hot tub later, just the two of us, and he talked about what was going on. He said his wife wouldn’t talk to him, that something was wrong and she wouldn’t tell him what it was to fix it. He moved out to give her some space and she asked him for a divorce just the night before. He was devastated. He said he’d tried harder in this marriage than in any other relationship and really thought it was the one. He did not want to get a divorce, loved her, and didn’t know what to do. On top of it, he explained troubles he was having with his youngest son, the one who i had watched do his first triathlon years earlier, who was now a teenager. i couldn’t relate, the stories were terrible, troubling, and i listened to him. i told him i just didn’t know to help, but that i was there for him. We talked about how whatever was troubling his wife might not have anything to do with him, that he might not ever know what it was, but that he was a great person and that while this was difficult, he would be okay. We talked about Maximus and me, about how my second divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me, not because i got together with Maximus, but because i learned so much about myself and my strength. We laughed about the story of One Guy watching us at the club and not realizing it was me until he saw me in my boots afterward. And i shared with him that Mountain Man had died a few months prior during a mountain climb. Maximus had joined us in the hot tub for a bit and left us to talk when he realized The Seal needed time to talk with me.

The Seal left after we’d been talking for a couple of hours. We’d ended the conversation with hugs and promises to get together, that he’d come up for a break soon. i was deflated after he left, and sat in the living room with S and Maximus talking about the heartbreak he was going through and how sad we were for him. But i never had any inkling that he was so far gone. He’d talked about plans he had with his son for a triathlon. There was no indication that he was done with life. i texted him the next morning to let him know i was thinking of him and looked forward to him coming up to Seattle. He thanked me.

And then yesterday i saw the obscure post on his Facebook page, one from a friend that seemed like a “I’m pissed off at you for doing this, why didn’t you tell me what was really going on?” and i knew something horrible had happened. i told Maximus and he hoped my gut feeling was wrong, but that my gut feelings were usually right. i texted The Seal and it didn’t go through with iMessage, i had to force it to go as a text, meaning his phone was offline. i messaged his friend who posted on Facebook and she confirmed that he had ended his life the night before, that his estranged wife and her friend found him in his car in his apartment parking lot.

i was devastated, sucker-punched. i collapsed on the stairs on my way to Maximus and howled, sobbed as He held me. How did i miss this? Why did he do this? i never saw it coming. Why didn’t he tell me? The past two weeks of his Facebook page had been pictures he’d posted of himself climbing at a climbing gym for meditation, yoga for a happy place, a concert…but then a final post of a YouTube video of Bill Withers, “Ain’t no Sunshine,” apparently shortly before it happened.

It was a hard day. i miss my friend. i wish i had known. But i didn’t. i don’t think he wanted me to. And that’s something i’m learning, that we don’t always know what’s going on with someone, that they share with you what they want you to know and hold back the things they don’t. He was strong, a retired Navy SEAL, an Ironman, but this was something stronger than he could endure, something he couldn’t control. i will never know why, i just know that he is out of whatever pain he was facing.

i am sharing this because i hurt and i need to heal. And i am sharing this in hopes that it can help someone, someone who feels lost, who hasn’t shared their pain.

Veterans Crisis Line: 1-800-273-8255 or text 838255

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 (yes, the same number)



Categories: Suicide, swinging, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

With this ring…


Yesterday was an exciting day–our rings came. We had them designed and manufactured in Kona and have been waiting for them to arrive.

When we were in Hawaii, Maximus surprised me by going into a jewelry store. This store specialized in rings made of titanium and wood. What first attracted Him to them was that they made rings with black ebony and He’d been interested in getting lifestyle rings for us to wear on our right ring fingers.

They showed us some very beautiful rings with koa wood and asked what i thought about them. i mentioned that i thought they were beautiful, but it was a shame that they weren’t kiawe wood, as that tree was significant to us (see Contract and Rules Updated and Renewed). Lo and behold, they said they could definitely make rings with kiawe. They spent a lot of time with us and designed custom rings for us made of titanium, ebony, and kiawe. These materials are significant as titanium is strong and resilient; ebony is strong and rare and represents the black rock beach at Kiholo where we have signed our contract and our lifestyle; kiawe is a resilient tree that can live a thousand years in the harshest environments, under which we signed our contract on the beach of Kiholo Bay. They asked if we wanted them engraved, and Maximus stated, “GOT.”

We signed our contract the next day at Kiholo, on the black rock under our kiawe tree.

These rings represent us. They are not merely black rings to signal others of our lifestyle, but bands of meaning and significance, a commitment to our relationship, with us at its core. They are beautiful and strong, sexy and meaningful, and GOT.

Categories: BDSM relationship, lifestyle rings, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment


We had a great day! Talking about everything really helped, both in what had happened and for me to get over myself. We were having drinks while waiting for Italian Stallion and Sparkle to come pick us up and Maximus started brainstorming about how to avoid the behavior He had displayed at M&S’s suite. i mentioned that it wasn’t an isolated event, but that it had happened twice before, the first when Kilt and Rhodie were visiting (CrazySexyCool) and the second when we were in Hawaii with another couple in May 2014. i think this threw Maximus for a bit of a loop as He hadn’t realized this had been forming a pattern. He felt He just needed to be more in touch with me during swinging parties and described a recent party we had hosted as how He could’ve behaved differently. There hadn’t been any problem during that party, however. i suggested that He really just needed to pay attention to matching His actions to His words, because that is what undermines my ability to trust what He says. It really was difficult to tell Him what to do, but He had asked me specifically for input. However, in the end, it really is in Him to make the change, not me, so He really needs to figure out what happens in His mind at those moments in order to develop a game plan to avoid them. He understood when i told Him that. All in all, i think He has a good grip on it. He just needs to make sure not to get drug down a path of something shiny at the moment during play events without taking a moment to think if it fits into what He and i communicated about. If not, or if He’s unsure, He really needs to touch base so i don’t feel He’s not being forthright or honest. And while there have been three instances, we’ve had many, many, many play events without issues, so it’s not like it happens every time we play with others.

We had a great time with Italian Stallion and Sparkle! We ended up going to a new swingers club in Vegas called Risqué as M&S had been invited to go there with another couple and asked us to go along. Italian Stallion and Sparkle were good sports to go there as they are very committed to their club, Couples Oasis, a place we weren’t too hit in the head with when we went with them earlier in the year. We didn’t have super high hopes as Risqué looked just like Couples Oasis on their website, but we were willing to go on a new adventure!

We arrived later than Italian Stallion and Sparkle wanted because M&S didn’t want to go early. M&S were going to meet us there with their friends, and when we arrived…we were the only guests. It was just like Couples Oasis, a private home on a big piece of property off the strip, a large outdoor pool, etc., except that the owners actually live in this home. They had three bedrooms as designated play areas, a dancing area (an area in the living room designated as such), a broken hot tub, some lockers, BYOB alcohol, and looping video of 1970s porn! But there was a fun Harley-Davidson motorcycle custom built to mount a Sybian, which was a draw!

M&S arrived alone as Sparkle and i were investigating the Fucking Harley, as it’s called. Apparently the female half of their couple friend “had a migraine.” M&S did not appear to be in a great mood. Sparkle and i played on the Sybian and had a blast! We danced and then played around in the pool while Maximus and Italian Stallion watched. M&S never came out to join, just sat on the couch and talked with one of the owners. We went inside to play and invited M&S to join us. They came into the room, S joined us on the bed, but M just stood there, leaning against the wall fully dressed with a sour look on His face. We could not get Him to join in. S saw this, got up, and then said she wasn’t feeling well. They ended up leaving.

No one else came to the club…it was a miss. Italian Stallion asked if all of us would rather go to Couples Oasis, which we were game for, because even though it wasn’t our favorite, a few more people actually go to it, but S snapped back a cool, “NO” when he suggested it. Italian Stallion and Sparkle felt put off by M&S, which is really too bad. We told them this wasn’t their normal MO and that they’d had two days of disappointments trying to connect with others and it seemed to be affecting them this night. i also think S has not had pot for 2-3 days now and it was making her irritable. We had fun anyway…it’s all in what you make of it. We would’ve preferred to gone earlier, as all of us were pretty tired as it got late.

Maximus and i went out for post-fuck food, which is what we do after playing with others–sex makes us hungry! We had a great recap on the evening and really felt good. i really felt sexy that night. i wore a shredded black tube dress Maximus bought for me and it really looked great! i’ll have to post a pic another time.

This morning we got a lot of texts from M&S apologizing for their behavior the night before, especially S’s response to Italian Stallion’s suggestion of changing clubs. Maximus met them for breakfast as i was too tired to go and i’ve not heard from Him yet how that went. They invited us to go out with them and the MIA couple from last night. Apparently they are in a high-rollers suite at MGM and have access to a VIP table in a club there tonight, which is Halloween, and want to play in their suite later. But Maximus and i both feel there’s been just a little too much drama associated with playing with M&S this trip, Maximus has late meetings for the convention tonight, and we’re tired, so i think we are opting to pass.

i did go out and buy a sexy new outfit today, as Maximus had suggested yesterday. i picked up a black jumpsuit from White House Black Market and it is hot! i wore it to lunch today to meet Maximus and one of His partners i’d not met before. i felt great! It must have shown as when i returned to our hotel, the elevator host commented, “Looking beautiful today!” Now if that didn’t make my day!

Categories: Couples Oasis, Risqué, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

A Night at the Beach

night beach

After our swim and hot tub, dinner prep began–and a new couple arrived, one we had never met before, Kilt and Rhodie. Our hosts, Slim and Marilyn, had been with them before and really enjoyed them and both told me, “she’s JUST like you, gabriella!” i wasn’t sure what that meant. They also shared that Kilt was very well-endowed, the biggest of the group, which was shocking since several other of our group have very large cocks.

Being the gregarious people we are, Maximus and i made sure to introduce ourselves and visit with Kilt and Rhodie to make them feel at ease. Well, actually, they walked into the house just as Maximus and i were having a stripping race in the living room, as we always seem to have a contest to see who would be naked first (i won, of course!…but i’m starting to think He might be letting me win after all), so i’m sure we were a little shocking to them, but we were having loads of fun with it and laughing. Maximus then tied up my breasts to display His handiwork and entice the other women there to allow Him to tie them up as well. i helped Maximus tie up Indygo’s breasts and Kilt and Rhodie seemed to be very interested in our rope work.

Dinner was great, loads of fun. i stood up on my chair and made a toast to Friends, old and new, and we enjoyed our meal, talking, laughing, telling stories, etc. The group was very well matched. When we were done, the lights dimmed, candles were lit, Liberator blankets spread out onto the living room floor, and the games began! Maximus started with Rhodie, and i with Kilt.

Kilt is indeed very well endowed! He is just under the girth of a soda can but not too terribly long. i spent time giving him a blow job, enjoying him, and then moving on to riding him. He got very excited when he discovered my hood piercing as he’d never played with anyone with a piercing before, and spent a lot of time experimenting with oral on my clit. Maximus started with Rhodie and wow, i finally understood what Slim and Marilyn meant, Rhodie is as extremely sexually adventurous and and as loud as me! She and Maximus thoroughly enjoyed each other and Kilt truly loved watching them while i was blowing him. She made the error of telling Maximus that she only squirted in one position–so He set out to prove her wrong, which He did!

Maximus later moved to Indygo, who was laying on the couch on her back. Maximus was on His knees beside her, licking her pussy. i crawled over behind Maximus and started playing with His balls. Then i lubed up my fingers, entered His ass and began to massage His prostate. His cock stiffened in my hand and i stroked Him and almost got Him to come. We moved onto the floor and His started to fuck me. Rhodie came over to watch and Maximus directed her to fuck my pussy with His cock, which she did. Kilt came over and started to play with us and we ended up all four fucking. At one point, Maximus was kneeling while Rhodie hungrily gobbled His cock while He fingered me–Slim and Marilyn were walking past on their way to bed with Marilyn mouthing, “OMG that’s so hot!” to Him.

Rhodie and Kilt then started to fuck. i grabbed the two Hitachi wands and began to pleasure myself. i had been experimenting with the wands the past couple of weeks and, per Maximus’ request, have worked into being about to insert the large Hitachi bulb end completely into my pussy, which is amazing! i had not had a chance to show Maximus this other than by text photos, so i was excited to show Him. i had Maximus insert the Hitachi into me and it slid easily in, and then had Him rub the other Hitachi over my clit. OMG! i came over and over and over and over in waves. Maximus even inserted four fingers of His hand into my pussy with the Hitachi inside me and stimulated my G spot. i pulled out the Hitachi and Maximus directed Rhodie to fist me, and her entire fist went up to her wrist! He fingered my ass while she fisted me.

i needed a break after that! After a short rest, i looked at Maximus and gave Him a look that i was going to go get some toys. i came out with my strap-on with the double-ended dildo, a thick 16-inch long double-ended straight dildo we affectionately call The Mom, and a blindfold. Maximus saw my goodies and said, “Let’s blindfold Rhodie!” She squealed in delight as Indygo simultaneously rebuffed, “you shouldn’t do that, she might not want that.” Rhodie replied, “Oh no, I’d love to be blindfolded and oh! Look at that, do me, do me!”

Maximus blindfolded Rhodie and i put on the strap-on harness, inserting the shorter end into my pussy. i had condoms on both ends, lubed the large end and mounted her doggie-style. Oh, fuck me, fuck me!” she cried out, “Fuck me harder!” i pounded her. Kilt braced her while i fucked her. i then moved onto my back and she rode me, squirted all down the dildo, soaking the harness. At some point her blindfold came off, i think she really wanted to watch what was happening. We moved to The Mom, Maximus and Kilt taking turns fucking us simultaneously with it. Rhodie mentioned wanting to try the Hitachi since she’d not used one before. i took the Hitachi and put it on her clit, resting the handle on her stomach while she laid on her back, and then laid on top of her, pressing the bulb into my clit. We shared amazing orgasms together!

Spent, Maximus, Rhodie, and i laid down on the floor together and visited. Rhodie shared that she had crossed two things off of her sexual bucket list that night (being fucked with a strap-on and using a Hitachi) and another that hadn’t even been on her list (fisting a woman)! After a while i began to stroke Maximus’ cock and He asked that she and i give Him a two-girl blowjob. Rhodie called out, “Oh I get His balls!”  i straddled His face, putting my clit in His mouth and began to 69 Him while she sucked His balls. We simultaneously licked His cock, made out, deep-throated Him, and then i noticed that she was rimming Him. Maximus started calling out, “OK, OK, that’s good, I’m done,” and tapping my hip to tap out. Well, i was not ready for Him to be done; i really wanted Him to come. And boy did He ever come! He screamed and quaked, grabbed blankets, pounded His fists on the floor–it was fantastic and i was soooo happy!

It was getting late and the four of us were the only ones left, so we all went to our respective bedrooms. Maximus and i laid down and shared stories and giggled. i was so aroused though, my clit throbbing. i started rubbing my nub while He talked and then told Him i still had an orgasm trapped. He started licking my pussy while i rubbed myself and had one of the most intense orgasms i’ve had in a long time–i broke into sobs, just overcome with emotions. Maximus held me and stroked me in aftercare.

We arose in the morning to find SubR in the kitchen with Slim who was making breakfast for the group. Maximus pulled me aside and instructed me to take SubR into our bedroom, tie him up, and then spank him to leave red marks on his ass. i loved this directive! i grabbed SubR’s hand and asked him to come with me into the bedroom. i told him what i had been instructed to do. i ordered him to strip naked and then tied a body harness on him, starting first with a hitch around his scrotum. i had grabbed a plastic spatula from the kitchen, so i pushed him down face-first on the bed and began to spank him with the spatula. He started to mock me so i pulled my panties off and shoved them into his mouth to quiet him, instructing him that he was not to talk, other than count the strikes. i gave him five spanks on each ass cheek, rubbed his reddened skin, and helped him up. SubR had a humongous smile on his face. He started to talk and i said, “you’re welcome!” to which he immediately apologized and thank me. i told him he had someone else to thank, marched him into the kitchen to Maximus and said, “What do you say?” and he nodded to Maximus “Thank you, Sir!”  Maximus was very, very pleased. After He was done praising my ropework i returned SubR to the bedroom and removed the harness. SubR was ecstatic.

Now, we hadn’t negotiated with SubR about this at all, had not communicated boundaries, limits, or safewords, only had the wishes that he had shared with us. i was very careful with him, checked in with him often through this scene. It was meant to be a little surprise taste of kink in response to him sharing a fantasy with us. If we were ever going to do this again with him or anyone else, i will make sure that we, Maximus and i and the third party, talk and negotiate prior to play.

We swapped contact info with Kilt and Rhodie the next morning and stood in the driveway for almost an hour just chatting. We had a great connection with them. Maximus and i decided to take our time going home and drove up Highway 101 instead of heading east back to Interstate 5. On the way, Maximus recounted the blow job i’d done with Rhodie and said, “You wouldn’t stop even when I called the safeword, Red!” i was horrified! i never heard Him call Red. i apologized and swore to Him that i never heard Him call out Red, only “OK, OK, that’s good, I’m done.” He thought about it and realized that He hadn’t called Red after all, just thought it in His mind. i was nauseated thinking i had failed to recognize a safe word and disrespected that. A good lesson for both of us–say it when you need it, repeat it if you say it and play doesn’t stop, and “that’s good, I’m done” does not represent a safeword, unless we specify it as such. It turns out that it wasn’t that Maximus needed play to stop, He was trying to conserve this orgasm to do some more play. But, after the amazing orgasm He got from it, He really wasn’t upset at all that we took Him to climax.

Later at lunch, Maximus and i recounted the weekend at the beach, and He shared just how hot He thought the scene i did with SubR was. It was great to manage our D/s when adding a third person, me maintaining my submissive nature by completing dominant tasks given to me by Maximus. We have talked a bit in the past about how intrigued we are by the thought of having a shared slave, someone who could help me around the house, perhaps drive me back and forth between Maximus’ home and mine, chauffeur Him to and from the airport for business trips, and serve us sexually as well. Maximus envisions a female, i envision a male–which would mean it would be a service and sexual slave for me but only a service slave for Him. While SubR would be perfect due to the trust we have built in our friendship over the years (we are both concerned about bringing in unknown strangers into our homes), the relationship issues he and Indygo are having make him a poor candidate. If, however, down the road if they do split (which we are under the suspicion will occur), given time, SubR would be an excellent candidate for me. The prospect of having a service/sex slave is very appealing and knowing we can manage our D/s relationship with it makes it seem like a future possibility. We will see.

We got home and crashed! Such a fantastic weekend, so much more than we expected. We were too spent to head to the Convention Center for the last Dungeon Party of Kinkfest, but we were so satiated that never of us minded that. We got so much out of the first night and even just one workshop that it was worth every penny. And, we were able to spend two glorious days at the beach with old and new friends.

Categories: strap-on, swinging, swinging lifestyle | 1 Comment



i am emotionally whooped, exhausted, spent. Have had too many emotional events in the past couple of weeks. What i really need is to crawl into Maximus’ arms and have Him hold onto me. Three days, and i can. For now, i have texts, which help.

How are you today? Need to make sure you are in a better place. Emotionally speaking.

Yesterday’s blog post was emotional, but i got over that. It was important to discuss and is something i need to do, dropping or pulling up my anchor on my fear. But soon after that, i had something that knocked me over.

Maximus and i have had plans to go on a beach trip to the Oregon coast with several friends in the swinging lifestyle. This is a group of friends that have been together for years and is the group Maximus and i met each other through. These are some of my best friends and we’ve been wanting to do a beach trip for a long time. We’ve juggled our schedules, house is rented, weather is going to be fantastic, and we’ll all set with our giant Nebuchadnezzar bottle of wine to celebrate the occasion.

There are two couples coming who we’d not met before. Yesterday one of them sent an introduction and included their profile names in two lifestyle websites. Maximus sent them a note in one of the accounts and we got a friend request back. i went in and suddenly realized, when i saw one of their pictures, that they are best fuck friends with my ex-husband, One Guy, and his new girlfriend. i suddenly got sick to my stomach. i texted Maximus

Oh no oh no oh no! That couple of Slim and Marilyn’s are best couple fuck friends with One Guy and his girlfriend!

Maximus was extremely supportive. He just could not imagine going to an event where His exes best fuck friends were going to be as well. There’s no way we could be ourselves, feeling like everything was going to be reported back. It would be miserable. Neither of us wants information going back to our exes. In addition, having sex with them was out of the question, it would feel like a huge betrayal to us, like fucking our exes.

So we decided to back out of the party. i got a hold of Slim and Marilyn and explained the situation. They did not realize the connection and felt bad about it, but totally understood. They wanted to uninvite the other couple, but i declined that, it seemed rude to me. i asked them not to tell this couple why we were not coming, but Maximus agreed to share this with our close friends who usually host the parties so we don’t have to have encounters with this couple again.

This rocked me hard. i’m just irritated that my ex, who i’ve not been together with for almost three years, is messing up plans with my best friends. And i just didn’t have the capacity right now for this. This was going to be an escape, a time to relax with friends.

Maximus and i will spend much needed time together though, which we need, which i need. i don’t mean to diminish that. He is the thing i need the most. We will play, work on painting our new dungeon room, go out for a special dinner that i’ve wanted to take Him out at, and we’re going to KinkFest, our first ever BDSM convention. We’ve been totally looking forward to that.

Last night i realized that our contract was set to expire at the end of April. How has six months gone so quickly? i was going through the last amended version and our BDSM Activities List and realize just how much we’ve grown, how much we’ve experienced, and how our boundaries have expanded. i am truly grateful for us. i mentioned the expiration to Maximus and that i’d like to continue the contract. He said He would like to as well. And added that we should sign in Hawaii when we go there in three weeks. i love this idea. A beach, with Maximus, and our continued commitment.

But first, three days, then i get my energy boost. Don’t they call the apparatus that you set cordless rechargeable phones into charging cradles? That’s what i need, Maximus, my charging cradle.

Categories: lifestyle, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment



This will probably make you laugh, but i’m finally watching Swingtown. i know it was on tv years ago, but i didn’t watch it, don’t have cable, and really didn’t even know about it. i saw it on Netflix recently and the first disc came today. As i chuckled at Bruce and Susan’s foray into swinging, i realized that i’d never blogged about how i got started in this lifestyle. Great topic idea, i thought!

my story goes back further than just my initiation into swinging, as there are some things in my past that led me down this path. Without those things, i would probably have never gotten into this lifestyle.

During my first marriage i had an affair with a woman. She was an acquaintance through work and we had instant chemistry the moment we met. i had an inkling she was lesbian, but that wasn’t the attraction, she was just someone i connected well with. i was unhappy in my marriage, my husband and i were not connecting, and as we were working different schedules, i had a lot of time available to spend with my friend. One evening, i kissed her, and we became lovers. Most of my free time was spent with her, we even traveled together, my husband not suspecting a thing. She was a lesbian, not bisexual, in fact, she was totally adverse to penises or sex with men. She wanted me to leave my husband and have a committed relationship with her, but i was not able to do that. i was not ready for the social ramifications of that and, quite frankly, while i was not having sex with my husband at the time (he had lost all interest in sex), i knew i really enjoyed sex with men as well as women and couldn’t deny myself that. It was a horrible breakup for both of us, one of the hardest in my life, and i truly loved her. i never told my first husband about this affair as i knew it would destroy him, and still would, if he ever found out.

i eventually divorced this husband and had several sexual affairs with men. After a bit, i met my second husband. i had decided that i did not like that i had been dishonest in my first marriage and divulged my lesbian affair–i never wanted to be dishonest with a partner again. i was fearful that my truth would scare ex #2 away, but it didn’t, it excited him! He shared that he and his ex-wife had “fuck friends,” another couple that they played around with, and really enjoyed that. i had a million questions about that, didn’t understand it at first, but, a threesome had always been a secret fantasy of mine. i truly enjoyed having sex with a woman and this seemed like a way to continue that honestly.

We didn’t jump into swinging immediately. We talked about it throughout the year we dated and the year we were first married. Close to our first anniversary, i discovered that he had been perusing swinger sites, which bothered me, although it did not appear that he had met with anyone. i decided that i didn’t want him to have a sexual affair (note, our sex life was fantastic, so that wasn’t an issue) and suggested to him that maybe we should try a swinger’s site out (i never divulged that i had discovered his secret). We set up a profile and had our first swingers’ date with another couple on our first wedding anniversary!

Our first date was phenomenal! i had no idea what to expect, and neither did my husband. We met this couple at a great pub, had drinks and dinner, hit it off well, and they asked if we wanted to go back to their place to play. So we did! And it was awesome! We were hooked. We went on more dates, started going to a local swingers club, and connected with a group that i still play with today–the group where i, in fact, met Maximus. We never played separately, that i’m aware of, but i have a feeling that i am incorrect in that statement! Our swinging did not break us up, in fact, it was the strongest part of our relationship, but it couldn’t hold us together.

It was a great journey. i never met other swingers the way Bruce and Susan did. If we did, they certainly did not divulge their lifestyle. i do know that i am much like Trina now, that i love to be edgy and provocative with vanilla to see what bites, but really not as forthright or assertive with them as she was when she had Susan over for their Fourth of July party. Part of the reason is that i really do not like to teach people how to be swingers and hate the risk of drama from someone or couples freaking out about the lifestyle in the middle of things. And, i like to keep my privacy about my lifestyle and separate my kink from my vanilla friends.

But i’m never going back to vanilla! i moved to Swingtown and am  never moving away!

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, swinging, swinging lifestyle, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

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