Monthly Archives: February 2014

Naked Snow Angel

It’s Snowmageddon/Snowpocalypse 2014 here in the Willamette Valley!

Is it snowing in Portland?

Maximus is flying to sunny, warm Florida for a meeting and requested a naked snow angel…

naked snow angel1

His wish is my command!

naked snow angel2.jgp

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Valentine’s Day Bound

heart rocks3

We’re coming up upon our second Valentine’s Day together….seems like we’ve been together so much longer than that though. And it’s true, we’d known each other for years prior to becoming a couple and then into D/s.

Normally, i would have spent months preparing for Valentine’s for Maximus, but i admit i’ve been distracted since September. Actually, i have several unfinished projects intended for Him, but i’ve just not had the energy to complete them, so they’ll just be in the hopper for other events. That’s not saying i don’t have anything special for Maximus this Valentine’s Day…it’s just not what i intended months and months ago.

Our schedule has been wonky recently, with me having surgery and return to modified work as well as Maximus’ work travel itinerary. But we were able to carve out time together, and actually, a lot of it, surprisingly. Maximus will be coming down on Valentine’s Day and staying the week. He suggested we go somewhere for Valentine’s weekend and after discussing options, Maximus recommended Portland. Now, if you’ve followed the blog long, you may be wondering why the staycation? That, my dear readers, i will reveal at a later date.

So PDX it is. Some salsa dancing, downtown hotel suite accommodations, time at our favorite places (Departure, Pope House Bourbon Lounge, Blossoming Lotus), shopping, discovering new favorites, and, most importantly, time together.

And some play time! Yes, it’s time for some modified play and i am really wanting. my urge is back and i can think of no better gift than the gift of gabriella. He’s been so patient, so good, so great…and i am desiring to serve Him in any way i can to show my appreciation. i shared this with Maximus and while He is excited about this, He is cautious and concerned about hurting me. So my task is to share with Him a list of things i feel are safe at this point of my healing and provide Him a list of what toys i think could be used.

Post Hysterectomy Safe List

At my post-op appointment with my OB-GYN this week, my doctor again stressed that i am to have vaginal rest for a full eight weeks following surgery. So, nothing enters my vagina. This, however, doesn’t preclude external play, including clitoral stimulation and even orgasm. i have had several clitoral orgasms from masterbating and not had any problems, other than the usual light spotting i’ve been having. i was even able to reinsert my clit hood piercing, which really got me stimulated! Due to the risk of infection, however, anal play and cunnilingus are off limits at this point.

Any activity that would induce hard abdominal wall contractions (gagging or hard flinching) or positions requiring back bends should be avoided due to the stress on the incisions and abdominal muscles that are still healing. The umbilical incision was the most invasive, with a larger cut into the abdominal wall and more trauma (thus much more sore) than the others, so this area should be avoided.

Other than that, all other play should be fine, given how things feel. Play could include:

The clit hood piercing is back in post-op...YAY!!

The clit hood piercing is back in post-op…YAY!!

  • Kissing
  • Kneeling
  • Crawling
  • Bondage
  • Sensory deprivation
  • Mind play
  • Objectification
  • Touch or massage
  • Nipple play/torture
  • Light flogging
  • Piss play (giving or receiving that doesn’t include healing incision sites or female genitalia)
  • Fellatio that does not elicit gagging
  • Manual clitoral stimulation, including the 15 minute orgasm
  • Manual penile stimulation
  • Seminal ejaculation onto body anywhere other than incision sites or female genitalia

Post Hysterectomy Toy List

  • Brain
  • Hands
  • Voice
  • Collar
  • Wrist and ankle cuffs
  • Rope
  • Nipple clamps
  • Spreader bars
  • Floggers
  • Wartenberg Wheel
  • Blindfold
  • Earplugs/headphones
  • Massage oils and lubricants
  • Feathers
  • Clothing, including high heels and stilettos

So that’s my big gift to Maximus…me. i know we are both feeling the need and just desire a step toward our normal life together again. i can’t think of anything better than time well spent with my love, my master, my Maximus.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM list, D/s, Hysterectomy, lifestyle | Leave a comment

submissive Imbalance?


The past couple of days i’ve been feeling like i’ve been a poor sub the past several months. Yes, i know i’ve been sick, and Maximus has been great and patient, but i don’t feel like i’ve been submissive, in fact, i feel like i’ve been everything but–pushing, fighting, and directing.

This feeling really started when i was getting my Advanced Directive and Power of Attorney out of my safe in preparation for my surgery, documents that are with our BDSM contract. Our contract is signed and sealed from the last time we revised and signed it on our last GOT day five months ago. As i held the sealed packet i thought, Wow, this really hasn’t seemed to guide my decisions or interactions with Maximus for awhile. Is this still relevant? That fleeting thought has been niggling at me.

So last night, late, i decided it was time to really think about my lack of submission. What has happened? What’s going on? What i think i’ve come up with is that my submissive life is imbalanced. Well really, it’s not just that my submissive life is imbalanced…it’s that my WHOLE LIFE is imbalanced. my body has taken control of my life and changed my ability to participate in athletics, maintain my fitness, work, have sex, and on and on and on. As i wrote about in Balance over a year ago, submission works for me to balance all the areas of my life where i have to be Dominant (work, endurance sports, maintaining my home), but i don’t have those things in my life right now. The absence of those things are influencing me to push back right now, trying to get back to homeostasis, or balance.

This illness has dramatically changed my life, and really, it’s a temporary thing. But it’s not short temporary…it’s a prolonged temporary thing, so right now, it feels like a permanent shift when i’m really in the final months of it. But instead of looking at this as a loss, i think this is an opportunity for me to find the lesson, gain strength from it, to learn to maintain my balance when life is imbalanced. Instead of fighting the loss of the dominant areas in my life, i should learn to trust the strength of my Dominant, to release into it and swim with the current. This is a gift, truly, a chance for growth, not just for me, but in our relationship together.

Is the contract still relevant? Probably more than ever. Should it be guiding me? Yes, that is what it was intended for.



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It’s Hysterical!


hysterical (adj.)

1610s, from Latin hystericus “of the womb,” from Greek hysterikos “of the womb, suffering in the womb,” from hystera “womb” (see uterus). Originally defined as a neurotic condition peculiar to women and thought to be caused by a dysfunction of the uterus. Meaning “very funny” (by 1939) is from the notion of uncontrollable fits of laughter. Related: Hysterically. – courtesy of

Seriously, i really am still here! i’ve been just shocked at how my uterus has taken over my life and just how much it has exhausted me in the process. i’ve not been able to work, stay up past 7 PM, or blog, let alone have sex!

Since my last post, my abdomen did settle down with the liquid diet and hormones (birth control pills) and was able to get back onto solid food and back to work. i had a recheck with my OB-GYN who recommended that we just stay that course and leave everything alone other than continuing on the birth control pills, but i had done a lot of research on fibroid tumors and based upon my condition, how exhausted i continued to be, and family history of cancer, i requested a hysterectomy. i fully expected some push-back from my doctor, but he granted my request.

The next available surgical appointment wasn’t for two months! So i headed back to work even though i was just wiped out. i made it two and a half weeks before i was just too exhausted to work–it wasn’t safe. i was physically wiped out, had no energy, but most of all emotionally wiped out from the hormones. i was a wreck! Maximus started calling them Whore-Moans because i was just cranky and irritable. And while they made my tumors shrink from their nearly five month gestation size, i had awful smelly discharge and started getting terrible headaches. The upside? my boobs got HUGE! But really, not a great trade-off. i ended up stopping the hormones two weeks prior to surgery, with my doctor’s permission, which initially stopped the headaches for a few days, but then they came back with a vengeance!

So i finally had the surgery. i had a laparoscopic-assisted vaginal hysterectomy, which means they didn’t have to cut my abdomen open other than for four small slits (one in my belly button, two on either side of my belly button, and one in my pubic area) through which to put the laparoscopes. i stayed overnight in the hospital afterward and really my only pain has been my abdominal wall, not my vagina like i expected.

After the surgery, my doctor told my mom (Maximus was really, really sick with an upper respiratory cold with a cough that would have been torturous for me after abdominal surgery; He stayed at my house with a mask on rather than exposing me at the hospital) that it was a really good thing that i’d had the surgery after all, as things had really advanced. Turns out the two tumors grew together and got very large and had to be cut up into tiny pieces to remove, but that i also had endometriosis, a condition where the inside lining of the uterus grows outside of the uterus, and severe scar tissue inside the uterus and outside that had turned into adhesions throughout my abdominal cavity that they had to cut out. i felt vindicated after insisting i have the surgery rather than waiting it out–i KNEW things weren’t right!

My OB-GYN was really puzzled about the scar tissue. Scar tissue like this comes either previous uterine surgeries, which i’ve not had, or severe uterine infections, which he was not aware i had. i’m not aware of any uterine infections either. i’ve never had any STIs, that i’m aware of, and the only infections i’ve had are yeast infections. i did have a terrible yeast infection a few years ago with a previous phsyician who refused to treat it with more than the over-the-counter creams that literally burned my vaginal walls. This infection was awful and lasted a month while i argued with that doctor to finally prescribe Diflucan which cleared the infection up within a day! i am certain that was the cause of the scar tissue.

Preliminary results are that the tumors were benign–no cancer! i have a follow-up appointment next week and will get all the pathology reports.

How do i feel? GREAT! i was very sore and on heavy duty narcotics at first, but have been getting better day by day. i’m minimally sore now, off all pain meds, and have started going for walks. i’m still off work for a bit and then only go back to office work until the end of March. But there’s no bad smell, my belly is almost flat (no more fibroid baby bump), no more headaches, and i can stay up until midnight!! i have energy back!

And i’m horny–something that completely went away while i was sick. Maximus has been oh so patient during the longest streak of celibacy in His life! His hand is getting A LOT of action these days! i am required to have 8 weeks of pelvic rest which means no sex, nothing inside my vagina. i had to remove my clitoral hood piercing for the surgery and finally got it back in the other evening, which got me really aroused and led to clit masterbation and a couple of orgasms :o). i am glad that i am feeling sexual again and really glad there was no pain and just some spot bleeding from my masterbation adventure.

Maximus has been making a list of all the fantasies He’s had during this hiatus–i better get my strength up! In all seriousness though, He really has been remarkable during my illness. He recognized early on that i was just not well, something that troubled both of us, and was patient with me. He’s taken care of me during the times i’ve been very ill and after my surgery. And He’s surfed the tides of my mood swings and sometimes wrath. i am so fortunate to have such a caring, understanding, and steadfast partner. How did i ever get so lucky?

So, sorry i’ve been gone. i’ve just not felt well at all, was full of Whore-Moans and not nice, and just too exhausted to write. This is better for you, the reader, as i would have moaned you all away forever with my bitchiness!

It’s been hysterical!

Categories: Fibroid Tumors, Hysterectomy, Uterine Fibroid Tumors | 4 Comments

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