Monthly Archives: May 2016

Labels

labels

i’ve seen a lot of tweets recently about labels, that is, how to label yourself in the lifestyle, and i don’t get it! Sorry, but it’s true, i don’t get it. Maybe it’s a new thing, putting yourself into a specific box of what you do or are, but honestly, i/we cannot pin ourselves down into what we do and are…we change, we evolve, we do different things with different people.

Before i was retired, i worked in a very militaristic, male-dominated public safety occupation. i can remember one promotional exam where candidates were asked what their leadership style was, and the wrong answer, the WRONG ANSWER, according to the evaluators, was “situational.” WHAT?!? Believe it or not, i am a submissive with a Masters of Science in Leadership and a whole lot of experience in leadership, so i have a thing or two to say about this topic. And i do believe that to be successful in leadership is to adjust your leadership style to the situation, to the people you are interacting with, to the people you lead. An authoritative leadership stance will not be successful in all situations, nor will a transactional or transformational style–it depends on the situation, who is involved, the task at hand, etc.

i feel lifestyle is the same for us–it’s situational. Yes, Maximus and i are D/s, but not everyone we play with knows that, it’s not necessary.  We don’t play with everyone that way. Even then, we can’t pin our D/s into one type (see Our D/s). We are kinky and participate in BDSM, but again, we don’t play that way with most people, it depends on the relationship and comfort level we have. i’m bisexual, but sometimes all i want is cock at a play party. i squirt, and i love it, but i don’t tell everyone that, because it can become a problem if i don’t squirt with someone and they get offended. Maximus has some interest in play with men with me, but wouldn’t classify Himself as bisexual and certainly doesn’t wish to indulge in this curiosity with friends who are not interested in this.

We feel labels are limiting. How we play with one group may not be how we play with another. AND THAT’S OKAY. We have friends that we are engaged in friendship and socialization more than sex, AND THAT’S OKAY. We have friends that we simply fuck, AND THAT’S OKAY. Sometimes we play together, sometimes we play apart, AND THAT’S OKAY. Trying to figure out a label that works for all of this is impossible and would limit who we meet and get to know, and that’s NOT OKAY with us. Yes, we have to choose some labels for lifestyle websites, so we are a full-swap straight male with a bisexual female, only because we have to and because listing a bisexual female gives us more options and listing a bisexual male would severely limit who we meet. Does it mean Maximus wouldn’t play with a man with me in the right situation, no! But it does mean that He wouldn’t play with a man who wouldn’t want to. We choose to communicate our desires rather than label ourselves into a box.

We are sexual beings…and it’s situational how we play. It’s like what Rika Van Den Hass tells Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon II:

There’s no point in shopping for the entire week….I’ll never know what I’ll be hungry for from one day to the next.

Categories: BDSM, lifestyle | Leave a comment

A Horrible Memorial

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The effigy of Philippe Pot atop his tomb, the Louvre, Paris. Photo by Maximus

i apologize in advance, as this is probably so inappropriate to say, but this is my journal and i need to get this off my chest.

The Seal’s memorial was just HORRIBLE.

It wasn’t because i was sad, i had dealt with the initial shock and have been moving through the grieving process. i was ready to celebrate his life. But his memorial, this event, was so dark, so depressing, so morose–there was no celebration about it. The tributes were dark; music was depressing; his estranged wife asked those in attendance to “continue to give us gifts and money”; and the drama, oh the drama between his wife, his children,  tributes beginning with “I’m not going to address the fingerpointing and accusations, that’s for another time….”

What the hell? It was like he was killed all over again. And it just broke my heart.

We didn’t stay afterward. Maximus and i quietly walked out and away from the building, away from everyone, toward our car where i quietly said, “That was the most horrible memorial i’ve ever been to.” Maximus gave a huge visible sigh of relief and gasped, “Oh thank god, I was thinking that too and didn’t want to say anything to upset you!”

The Seal deserved a celebration. i know this was not at all what he would have wanted. i understand the circumstances of his death are horrible, it was a suicide after all, but can’t we celebrate the wonderful things about him? The man who loved to dance, adored his children, lived life on the edge and pushed limits? The man who would do anything for anyone and a moment’s notice? The one who called me Darlin’ and fucked and partied like a rockstar? Ok, so i know that last part isn’t everyone else’s reality of him, but it really was in his character.

So i will celebrate The Seal how i feel he deserved. A life lived fully, grabbed by the horns, daring, and fucking amazing, in all senses. i will take him to every party and dance, sweat, fuck how i danced, sweat, and fucked with him. i will embrace every moment of my life, cherish my friendships, love life. i won’t let darkness kill his memory. This will be his memorial, my memorial to my great friend, The Seal.

Categories: Suicide | Leave a comment

Training Day, May 2, 2016

training

Maximus was traveling home Sunday from the East coast, so we did my training Monday.

First, He wanted to share with me how proud of me He was, for the dates with RunnerGirl and for going to the lifestyle party. It has made Him very happy that i am venturing back in the swinging world, as i was active as a single female before our relationship. That being said, He does understand that i am not comfortable with initiating swinger relationships with single males at this time and not sure i will go back to that, for a variety of reasons. i don’t feel i have the same “safety net” network here as i did in Portland, i.e. swinger friends to check in with during dates with single men, and Maximus travels so much that He would probably be far away, unable to help me should i needed it. And since Maximus travels so much, i fear that single men might try to take advantage of His absence, something i’m just not willing to deal with right now. It isn’t so much that i fear i would go astray on Maximus, as His previous wife, JB, did, that’s not the issue, it’s having a single man try to push into that space and dealing with the drama that causes.

Second, Maximus shared that He really missed me this past week while He was gone. Even though we were in contact a lot via text and phone calls, He missed my presence, my skin. It wasn’t because i was with RunnerGirl, it wasn’t jealously, he just realized how much He loves to be together. He added,

This is the most important relationship I have and I do not take it lightly.

He was also amazed about how different our relationship is than between SwimmerGuy and his wife, it really struck Him. He noticed that SwimmerGuy wasn’t calling his wife or family in the evenings and actually asked him if he was going to call them (and he did after Maximus inquired). One evening, Maximus was perusing the Nordstrom website looking for things for me when SwimmerGuy asked what He was doing. Maximus replied, “I’m ordering clothes and shoes for gabriella. Don’t you do that for your wife?” SwimmerGuy said he had never done that, to which Maximus suggested he try it. SwimmerGuy ended up ordering several items for his wife (after a phone call to determine her sizes). Maximus often (not every time) hides love notes throughout the house when He leaves for business trips, something He picked up after being at SwimmerGuy’s house a few years ago and seeing Post-It Notes from SwimmerGuy to his wife. Maximus thought this was a wonderful gesture that He wanted to emulate–turns out that this was a one time thing from SwimmerGuy, not a habit. It shocked Maximus that He had a picture of SwimmerGuy’s relationship based upon those love notes and made some assumptions about their “perfect marriage” that were incorrect. Not saying that their marriage is in any sort of trouble, but Maximus had always seen it differently than it really is. He takes a lot of pride in our relationship, our communication, and how our dynamic has built such strength and closeness.

Third, Maximus wanted to review what we had discussed last week, my strengths/weaknesses and interpersonal skills. In particular, He wanted to delve more into why i have the tendency to deny myself the finer things as if i’m undeserving. “What is the reason?” He asked.

i really don’t know why i have that tendency. Apart from a chemistry set i begged my parents for Christmas year after year, i was never wanting as a child. my parents didn’t deny us things we wanted, although we had to wait for when we could afford some things, but that isn’t something out of the ordinary for anyone. However, i did relate a story from when i was a teen. When i was 15, the father of some children i had babysat was driving me home and had complimented me on something. i apparently had denied it or put myself down or something of that sort, because i can clearly remember him telling me, “you need to learn how to take a compliment. Say thank you.” It’s not that i don’t feel deserving, it’s not that i don’t know i am talented and have made great achievements, it’s that i think i need to be modest and not boastful, so i tend to poo-poo compliments. Gifts from Maximus are compliments and i guess i get a bit modest about them, maybe in a way to show that i don’t hold Him to an expectation for them. But also, in terms of gifts, He tends to buy things i would NEVER had bought for myself–exclusive, expensive things that i wouldn’t have even saved money for to buy for myself. Yes, i need a purse…i would buy one on sale, a knock-off. Yes, i need a car, but i would’ve purchased a mid-range SUV, not a luxury SUV. They are beyond what i need or desire–i appreciate them, but i feel badly that He spent so much on something i wouldn’t have bought myself.

The conundrum is, that when we studied The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, which i wrote about in Translation!! and Our Book Club in 2013, Receiving Gifts is the primary way i feel loved. However, for me, it is as simple as a love note left in the apple crisper in the refrigerator when He goes away on a business trip or the Barcelona brand chocolate bar He got for me because it made Him think of our plans to visit that city in the Fall. But i need to learn to take the compliment and just say thank you, not put myself down. Maximus recently purchased a pair of very expensive shoes for me as a thank you for helping Him write a nomination for a very prestigious award for one of His staff–well, they weren’t just expensive, they were couture, rare, something i might have marveled at a picture of in a magazine, but never, ever would have in my wildest dreams ever considered owning. It was difficult for me to accept as it seemed to me an extravagant gift for something very simple for me to do that took very little time. But, what i don’t realize, is that while it was simple for me to do, it was a huge task for Him, and my work took His words and made it “spectacular” (in His words). To Him, the values match.

Maximus added, “Just say thank you. you always say ‘thank you’ when I take you out for a meal–you always have, even when we were first friends. I’ve always thought that was strange, that you thank me for taking you out, especially now when it’s our money, not just Mine.”

“For me, growing up, going out to dinner was a special thing, so we always said thank you for the meal,” i replied. “i appreciate being taken out. It’s a special thing for me.”

“Giving you a gift is a special thing for me. Just say thank you.”

i was looking forward to training today as i wanted to share something with Maximus, something i learned from last week’s training and applied. During our discussion of my interpersonal skills, i identified the feeling that i’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough to approach some people as a weakness of mine. i know this keeps me from meeting people and that i needed to work on this. i had a success story to share with Maximus!

When RunnerGirl and i arrived at the lifestyle party last weekend, there was a very nice, upscale, good-looking couple right behind us. They were a couple i would normally shy away from talking to because the female half, quite frankly, is gorgeous, great body, etc. and would hope Maximus would approach them, if He were with me, or just shy away from and wish later i had talked to, had i been solo. i ran into them a little later at the party and decided i was going to get over myself and talk to them. Well we hit it off! We actually talked a few more times and ended up exchanging profile names for one of our mutual swinger sites. The following morning i looked them up and sent them a quick note to let them know it was nice chatting with them and asked them to let us know if they might be interested in meeting Maximus and me for drinks sometime to get to know each other better. Well they replied, yes, that they had enjoyed meeting me and were very much interested. They even invited us to meet them at an upcoming lifestyle party. Lesson learned for me.

Maximus shared His Big Three when it comes to women:

Intelligence

Athleticism

Beauty

“gabriella, you have all three,” stated Maximus.”i wouldn’t be with you if you didn’t have those three attributes. you have nothing to feel inferior about with anybody.”

Maximus was very pleased with how i had applied my training and asked that i continue to work on this. He asked that i continue to bring Him more examples of how i have ventured out of my comfort zone.

So there wasn’t any new training this week, as we spent a lot of time on the review. It was important as i really did take last week’s training to heart and worked on the things He’d gone over with me. i am excited for new challenges!

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, The 5 Love Languages, training | Leave a comment

The Girlfriend Experience, Part Two

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i love going out in the vanilla world with lifestyle friends as i can be cheeky and inappropriate without them getting all embarrassed or in a huff about it. When RunnerGirl and i got to our trail race to check in, the registrar handed us our race bibs and explained that we were to wear our bibs on the front as they would be manually entering our finish times, and then as soon as we crossed the finish line, someone would come and “tear off our bottoms,” pointing to a perforated tab at the bottom of the bib, “to be entered into a raffle.” Well…i couldn’t help it, giggled and replied aloud, “RunnerGirl, i love this race already…they tear off your bottoms at the finish line! Woo Hoo!” And she laughed and giggled with me! No “Ohmigod I can’t believe you said that,” or “Shhh, don’t be so embarrassing,” just simple entertainment, giggles, and common thinking.

The race was great! We finished a minute apart, again, a good match. We headed to our respective homes to clean up, rest, and get ready to get together again that night for the lifestyle party. She was trying to get her husband to go with us, but he opted out, so it was just us girls.

RunnerGirl got here about 9:30. i was in the midst of changing. She looked amazing in a tight, short red sheath dress and red heels and i wore a slinky metallic silver dress slit up FullSizeRenderthe front and back to upper tight and down the front almost to my navel. I love that dress, had bought it years ago to wear when Maximus and i went to our first trip to Vegas together. i paired it with my favorite glittery Jimmy Choo’s Maximus bought me in Vegas last year.

We Uber’ed it to the event. It was billed as a new lifestyle club in the Sodo area of Seattle, started by a group that has had lifestyle parties for years. Turns out, it wasn’t so much a club like I’m used to, with a fixed location like Sesso, New Horizons, Couples Oasis, Les Chandelles, etc, rather a large lifestyle party held in an event center, more like a hotel takeover. That had a big drawback–no lockers. i had to carry my purse the whole time, which was a big bummer for me. i’d brought a larger purse so i could carry both of our cell phones and wallets, so it wasn’t conducive for dancing or just being free and unencumbesodo partyred. It was in a great location, though, and had a bar and dance floor with a DJ in one building and the play areas were across a closed alley in another building. They had a fire pit with all the supplies for smores in that alley, which was a neat touch.

The play area was sexy, three floors with several rooms of gothic art, dark motifs, etc., massage tables, lots of towels and sheets, and a hot tub. We wandered around and took it all in. People weren’t playing yet, so it was a good time to see what all was there.

However, there were a few things that bothered me about this event that kept us from playing. First, no one checked to make sure we had tickets and anyone could walk into either building without confirming they were with the event. There were Tyvek wrist bands on the entry table and  i asked if we needed one to go in and out, but the greeters said no. We even checked again before going out to the spa building. The greeter at the spa building only checked to make sure we didn’t have alcohol and to let us know to shower before using the hot tub, not whether we were really with the group. This lack of security made it undesirable to play as anyone could’ve walked in and started taking pictures, etc. Second, there was no communication about cell phones. There were lots of phones out and pictures taken, including the spa building. Heck, i took pictures (not of people playing, however)! Usually lifestyle clubs ban the use of cell phones inside or require stickers be placed over camera lenses in order to use the phone. It just didn’t seem secure there, so with all of that and having to lug my purse around, it kinda killed my desire to play there–RunnerGirl felt the same way.

We met other people there, nice people. The folks in attendance were great quality, nicely dressed, upscale. We visited several times with a couple who arrived the same time we did and there were some people there i’ve played with before. The first person i knew was half of a couple i had first met and played with at Sesso with The Seal and then later at one of her parties with Maximus. She was thrilled to see me and asked if i knew that he had taken his life last week. We spoke about The Seal for a bit and then parted ways, promising to get in contact again. Next was a couple Maximus and i had met at a lifestyle party years ago, the first lifestyle house party i’d attended with Maximus outside of M&S’s group. This couple had been a triad and i’d had super fun with him (the two girls played a lot with each other that night, rather than with others). They are now just a couple and were very excited to see me and hoped to get together with Maximus and me again.

RunnerGirl and i wandered through the play building and briefly watched people play. We returned to the entry building where they were just moving a stripper pole into the middle of the dance floor. They were trying to drum up women to compete in a stripper pole dance competition, but no one was interested. RunnerGirl was dying to dance on the pole, which i encouraged her to do…and she did! i put my purse at the edge of the platform and joined her, swirling, bumping, grinding, and kissing together as we danced. It was the highlight of the night!

Well, i did win a raffle prize too–at the lifestyle club, not the trail race!

raffle prize

We held hands on the Uber ride home, giggled and talked about the night and plans for next weekend. It really was a great weekend, a great girlfriend experience, and one i hope to have for a long time.

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, swinging, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

The Girlfriend Experience, Part One

kiss-lipstick-print_small

A few weeks ago i came across a profile of a bisexual single woman on one of our swinger sites. The profile picture caught my eye because it was a race photo, and i’m attracted to athletic people. Her profile intrigued me:

Looking to meet women for friendship. My ideal person is someone who is active (I’m a runner), likes to go to movies or concerts, dancing, out for a glass of wine. Happy going out or staying in.

Hmmmm, i thought, interesting. But what exactly does she mean? Is she looking for just friends or FWB? So i messaged her. (Please note, i use the capital I when writing in non-D/s situations, so you will see that in the following messages.)

Hello, this is the female half. I came across your profile and am interested in knowing more. I am a runner too, as well as triathlete. What specifically are you looking for?
Looking forward to hearing from you.

And she replied (always a good sign)!

Hi! I’m looking for female friendship. If the friendship grows to fwb that’s great, if not, that’s fine too. I’d like to have friends that I share things in common … go to concerts, dancing, plays, things like that.

We were/have been in the swing lifestyle for a long time. We have retained a few friends over the years (none of them are here – we are new to the area) but, mostly, we have found that those relationships are VERY short-term. So that’s NOT what I’m looking for.

Do you run road, trails, both?

Cheers!

Well i have to admit i was so intrigued! Maximus was traveling and i told Him about what i had found. Really, what intrigued me the most was that she was looking for women friends–on a lifestyle site! That made so much sense to me and i thought it was just brilliant. Why hadn’t i thought of that? i mean, sex is great, but what Maximus and i strive for is friendships in lifestyle. And being new to this area, having moved up to be with Maximus just over a year ago, i really am looking for friends since mine all live hours and hours away.

So i wrote back:

I think that’s great! I never would have thought to search for that on this site, but I’m so glad you did.

We’ve been in the swing lifestyle for a long time as well. In fact, we met through mutual swinger friends and had a long distance relationship for several years until I finally just moved up here. I’ve been here for about a year and a half. I had a great network of running/triathlon friends where I was before, but I’ve just not been able to recreate that here yet, so I’m really interested in what you’re looking for.

I don’t live too far from you. I train primarily on trails up here and just started doing trail races last year. I’ve done mostly road races in the past.

I’d be happy to chat, either on this site or through some other means, and/or meet for coffee sometime. I look forward to getting to know you.

i loved her reply:

I guess I came here to find friends with like minds because it is very tiresome to have to constantly hide my lifestyle choices. Even though this is a more progressive thinking part of the country, I really don’t want my neighbors or work mates knowing “that” side of my life. Probably a hold over from living back east, neighbors here may not care. But some just won’t know what to think and I don’t want problems for our kids. So, here I am.

We started to chat off-site–Maximus allows this. And we really seemed to match. She is married and her husband allows for single play with women. We met for drinks several days later and it was wonderful! She is intelligent, out-going, sexy, funny, and we talked for hours over wine and appetizers. We departed with a goodbye kiss that left us both wanting for more.
So we made time for more!

Maximus had a swim meet back East with SwimmerGuy the end of last week through the weekend, Wednesday through Sunday, so RunnerGirl and i decided to spend some time together. Maximus was thrilled! Initially, it was just to have her over for wine and girl time, but as the week and our anticipation progressed, it turned into Friday evening wine and girl time, an overnight at our house, a Saturday morning trail race, and next night grand opening gala for a new lifestyle club in Seattle!

It was exciting! i hadn’t had a girlfriend overnight in years. i wasn’t sure what to wear! So icheeky lace settled with a sheer cream light knit sweater with a plunging key-hole neckline with a sexy burgundy bra underneath–one that matched sexy burgundy cheeky panties with a cut-out back and ribbon trussing–and boyfriend skimmer jeans with sexy heeled black sandals. She arrived in alicea trench coat–that’s a great start! Underneath she had a short-sleeved deep v-necked red ruched tee with a short black mini skirt, Alice in Wonderland tattoo-style tights, and red patent leather heels.

After a tour of the house, we settled in the master closet–yes, really! We are going to see Kinky Boots next weekend and my stipulation is that we both have to wear kinky boots–she doesn’t have any. Fortunately, i have a wide range of kinky boots, so we set on a mission to see which pair would work for her! And we found a winner, to be displayed in a future post after we go to the musical.

We returned downstairs and talked for hours over a bottle of wine. It really is a good connection with her. We talked about everything from life, swinging, running, families, my D/s with Maximus. Finally, it was getting super late and we’d not played yet and had a race in the morning! So we went upstairs to the bedroom.

i took her into the secure storage room and we went through the toy cabinet to see if there was anything she wanted to use in our play. She selected the stacked Wartenberg wheel as the only toy she brought was her single Wartenberg wheel, then the spiky gloves, the Hitachi wand, and the “mom” double ended dildo. i grabbed the Injoyus strapless strap-on and the double ended glass dildo.

And then we played! It was so great! She tasted and felt so good! We really didn’t even use a lot of the toys. We rode the Hitachi together, i fucked her with the Injoyus and we both had squirting orgasms, i used her Wartenberg wheel on her and she used mine on me, rolling it over breasts and in our groins around our pussies, and i fucked her with the glass dildo.

We finally went to sleep around 3 and got up at 6 to get ready for our race! She tried to talk us out of going, to no avail. After a shared bath and some breakfast, we were out the door! All smiles!

To be continued…

Categories: girl on girl sex, lifestyle, playing separate, swinging, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

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