BDSM contract

Updated Contract, Rules, Rituals, and Protocols

Posted on January 10, 2017 by gabriella

love-note-1

i love it when Maximus leaves little love notes for me hidden throughout the house on mornings He leaves for work travel!

Maximus and i have finalized our Contract and Appendix 1-Rules, Rituals, and Protocols that we have been working on this past week. Since i described the changes in details in previous posts (January 2017 Contract Updates, January 2017 Rules Updates, and January 2017 Rituals and Protocols Update), i won’t go into that again, and am simply posting the accepted Contract and Appendix 2. However, there were a couple of changes since my initial journal posts.

Under Fundamental Terms, we removed the requirement for written permission to share details of our relationship dynamic. We do need to discuss and verbally agree prior to sharing this information with others.

There are a few changes in our Rules section:

Sleep: A provision was added to allow for separate sleep in times of illness.

Food: Green juice preparation went from a daily ritual to “as requested”.

Sex: A requirement that i shall be responsible for cleaning and putting away of toys and my leather collar after sex-play was added.

Communication: Maximus added a cue for me to say if He gets distracted, “ADD”, or anxious during communication, in order to snap Him out of it. It doesn’t happen often, but it’s something we’ve noticed during discussing His episodes of chest pain and other stressful topics and He wishes to avoid this.

Financial: Funds request rule was moved to Protocols.

Social Organization: i am to bring my calendar to Happy Half for any schedule updates He’s had during His workday.

Some Rituals changes:

Morning Ritual: i do not have to wait for Maximus to bring me tea in order to get out of bed (this was a miscommunication while we were discussing changes) and if i do get up before Maximus, i am to make His coffee and my tea.

Green juice preparation was moved from Ritual to Rules with the changes noted above.

Dominant’s Traveling Rituals: Maximus added a photo requirement for me while He is traveling, texting a sexy photo each day, using Invisible Ink setting on my iPhone.

At the end, Maximus desired to adjust the language about discipline for any compliance failures i may have of these Rules, Rituals, and Protocol. He felt the language was unnecessarily severe.

i have updated the BDSM Contract and Rules page and am posting a copy of the accepted Contract and Appendix 1 – Rules, Rituals, and Protocols here.

CONTRACT

Made this 1^st day of January 2017 (“The Commencement Date”)

BETWEEN

“The Dominant”

“the submissive”

PREAMBLE

1 This contract has been developed under the guidance of an established Relationship Vision defined by the Dominant and the submissive: Growing Old Together (GOT) – a lifelong, harmonious, loving, committed relationship together.

2 This private contract is provided as a binding agreement, which defines in specific terms, the relationship and interaction between the participants. This contract defines the personal relationship structure of the parties and is binding only by the integrity of the parties. This contract in no way supersedes the Laws of the United States. This agreement is entered into voluntarily, both parties being fully informed, consensually, without coercion, or undue influence, with both parties agreeing to the conditions and stipulations set out herein.

THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS

3 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the submissive.

FUNDAMENTAL TERMS

4 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow both the Dominant and the submissive to explore their sensuality and sexuality, and the submissive’s serviceheart, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits, and her well-being.

5 The Dominant and the submissive agree and acknowledge that all that occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing. Both parties shall safeguard this unique relationship. Neither can inform others of our D/s dynamic without prior agreement from the other. As this contract is confidential, both parties must agree in the occasion that it is shared with any person(s), in any format, including directing other parties to the submissive’s blog, which is her online journal.

6 The Dominant and the submissive recognize that this relationship is unique to them and is a primary relationship to any other relationship the Dominant or the submissive have with others. They agree that emotional monogamy is required in this relationship. There will be no additional partners brought temporarily or permanently into the relationship. The submissive will be the Dominant’s only sub; The Dominant shall be the submissive’s only Dom. Furthermore, the submissive shall not take on the position of a Domme or Dominatrix with another party, nor shall the Dominant be taken in as a submissive to another.

7 The Dominant and the submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious, or life-threatening illnesses, including but not limited to HIV, herpes, and hepatitis. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this contract either party should be diagnosed with or become aware of any such illness, he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately and in any event prior to any form of physical contact between the parties.

8 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements, and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 7 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.

9 Everything in this contract must be read and interpreted in the light of the fundamental purpose and the fundamental terms set out in clauses 4-8 above.

ROLES

10 Dominant and submissive adopt a 24/7 D/s relationship in the style of Chief Executive Officer/Chief Operating Officer (CEO/COO).

11 The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above.

12 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 4-8 above, the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 8 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

COMMENCEMENT AND TERM

13 The Dominant and submissive enter into this contract on the Commencement Date fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.

14 This contract shall apply in a 24/7 basis and be effective indefinitely.

SERVICE PROVISIONS

15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise that are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain matters may be renegotiated. Furthermore, it is expected that the Dominant and submissive shall review this contract in its entirety at regular intervals to ensure they understand and agree to its content, rules, and agreed activities. In such circumstances, further clauses may be proposed by way of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be discussed, agreed, documented, and signed by both parties in person and shall be subject to the fundamental terms set out under clauses 4-8 above. Tentatively agreed upon amendments that are awaiting physical agreement shall be followed fully.

DOMINANT

15.1 The Dominant shall make the submissive’s health and safety a priority at all times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow, or demand the submissive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the submissive’s life. The remaining subclauses of this clause are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 4-8 above.

15.2 The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time or in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

15.3 The Dominant shall provide the submissive with all necessary training and guidance in how to properly serve the Dominant.

15.4 The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the submissive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.

15.5 The Dominant may discipline the submissive as necessary to ensure the submissive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog or spank the submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.

15.6 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.

15.7 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that the discipline and the instruments used for the purposes of discipline are safe, shall not be used in such way as to cause serious harm, and shall not in any way exceed the limits defined and detailed in this contract.

15.8 The Dominant shall never punish the submissive in anger.

15.9 In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.

15.10 The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention when necessary in order to maintain a risk-free environment.

15.11 The Dominant shall not give his submissive to another Master or Dominant. The Dominant may direct the submissive to serve another Master or Dominant within the limits of Appendix 2, but the submissive shall not be given as property to that Master or Dominant.

15.12 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the submissive at any time for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the submissive.

15.13 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic, and safe state at all times.

SUBMISSIVE

15.14 The submissive accepts the Dominant as her Master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases during the Term.

15.15 The submissive shall obey the rules, rituals, and protocols (“the Rules, Rituals, and Protocols”) set out in Appendix 1 to this agreement. The Dominant shall also follow the guidelines of the Rules, Rituals, and Protocols to this agreement as they apply to Him.

15.16 The submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way the Dominant sees fit and shall endeavor to please the Dominant at all times to the best of her ability. The submissive will utilize anticipatory service in her service to The Dominant.

15.17 The submissive shall take all measures necessary to maintain her good health and shall request or seek medical attention whenever it is needed, keeping the Dominant informed at all times of any health issues that may arise. This includes mental health as well as physical health.

15.18 The submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times.

15.19 The Dominant may, at times, direct the submissive not to touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.

15.20 The submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do so without hesitation or argument.

15.21 The submissive shall accept floggings, spankings, paddlings, or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, inquiry, or complaint.

15.22 The submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dominant. The Dominant will direct the submissive how she shall address Him, including Sir, Maximus, or such other title as the Dominant may direct, depending upon the environment and social situation. “Sir” or “Maximus” are not to be used when in the presence of family, vanilla friends, or any other situation which would bring embarrassment or undo negative attention.

15.23 The submissive shall keep a journal documenting the journey of the Dominant and submissive, her thoughts, and feelings. This journal will be online and accessible to the Dominant at all times. The Dominant shall be notified of new postings and any edits of older posts. Old posts shall not be removed by either party unless agreed upon in writing. The submissive shall document any activities and/or discussions as directed by the Dominant, in addition to her regular postings.

ACTIVITIES

16 The submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2.

17 The Dominant and the submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix 2 and recorded in writing on Appendix 2 their agreement in respect of them.

SAFEWORDS

18 The Dominant and the submissive recognize that the Dominant may make demands of the submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm at the time the demands are made to the submissive. In such circumstances related to this, the submissive may make use of a safeword (“The Safeword[s]”). Two Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands.

19 The Safeword “Yellow” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the submissive is close to her limit of endurance.

20 The Safeword “Red” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said, the Dominant’s action will cease completely with immediate effect.

CONCLUSION

21 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below.

submissive’s Signature

i have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. i agree to give myself completely to my Dominant, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body. i understand that i may be commanded, trained, and punished and i promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasure and desires of my Dominant to the best of my abilities. i understand that i cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.

The submissive:

Date:

Dominant’s Signature

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, body, and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall provide for her security and wellbeing and command her, train her, and punish her as a submissive. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to her as long as she is mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.

The Dominant:

Date:

APPENDIX 1 – RULES, RITUALS, AND PROTOCOLS

RULES

Obedience:

The submissive’s goal is to please and serve the Dominant under any circumstance and at all times, ensuring that His life runs as smoothly and effectively as possible. This implies that she focuses upon the Dominant – His safety, needs, and desires—through anticipatory service. The submissive should put Him first in any situation as long as that does not put her into any danger. The submissive should never show any sign of anger or frustration, crankiness, or any disruptive behaviors, emotions, or thoughts. The submissive should never show any disagreement with an order or wish from the Dominant. All orders should be promptly complied to and diligently executed. (10-30-12)

The submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities that are outlined in the hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation. (8-19-13)

Kitchen Safety Zone:

The Dominant recognizes the inherent danger related to the cooking environment and will refrain from any activity jeopardizing the safety of either party while the submissive is cooking in the kitchen or other locations. The kitchen is not to be used as an escape refuge by the submissive, however. (10-25-15)

Sleep:

The submissive will ensure that both she and the Dominant achieve adequate sleep and rest. (10-30-12)

The submissive shall sleep in a position in the bed where the Dominant can touch her at all times. (1-1-17)

The submissive and the Dominant shall sleep in the same bed when together, unless there is a temporary health issue precluding such, which will be discussed and agreed upon prior to separate sleeping arrangements. If there are others in the same bed, the submissive shall sleep next to the Dominant and the Dominant shall sleep only next to the submissive. Should the submissive be in a situation of separate play, she shall sleep alone, not with any other parties, unless negotiated prior to engagement. (11-23-15, amended 1-1-17)

The submissive shall don and wear the Dominant’s wrist cuffs to sleep at night whenever He is traveling and away at night. (1-1-17)

Food:

When dining out, the submissive will scan the menu and offer choices that the Dominant would like to choose from. The submissive and Dominant will place their own orders, unless the Dominant communicates otherwise. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall prepare and serve fresh “green” juice for the Dominant when He is at home, at His request.. (4-24-16, amended 1-1-17)

Clothing:

The submissive will wear clothing approved by the Dominant. The Dominant shall accompany the submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the submissive shall wear adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and at any other time the Dominant deems fit. (6-24-13)

The submissive shall not wear a brassiere after 5:30 PM unless social situation dictates otherwise, i.e. family or vanilla friends present, out for evening, etc. (11-23-15)

When traveling by air or train, the submissive shall dress for first class travel, whether or not her fare is indeed booked or upgraded in that class. First class dress shall include high heels, dress pants and blouse, or dress. (11-23-15)

When at home, the submissive is expected to be naked as much as practical. she may be clothed if projects or duties require her to go in and out of the house or if needed for safety/warmth. Lingerie or apron may be worn. Stiletto heels are the shoe of choice. The submissive will procure and keep a wrap-around dress by the front door to quickly don in the case of unexpected visitors. (11-15-16)

The submissive shall sleep naked at all times, except when family or vanilla friends are visiting or we are visiting them. (11-23-15)

The Dominant has collared the submissive. This collar is to be presented by the submissive for placement (as described in the Protocols section) by the Dominant during training, BDSM play, kink events (where appropriate), and when directed by the Dominant. He has also provided a more discreet marking of ownership in the form of a David Yurman link chain ring and necklace, either or both which shall be worn at all times inside and outside the house, except when bathing, sleeping, or housekeeping/projects and exercise make it unsafe to so do. The submissive is the only person in the world permitted to wear the Dominant’s collar or other markings of ownership, none of which shall ever be shared or loaned by the submissive. (1-1-17)

Exercise:

The submissive shall exercise in a manner necessary to maintain and build her level of fitness necessary to participate and be competitive in the athletic events of their choosing. Exercise shall continue to have a priority in her life and the activities under Appendix 2 shall not interfere with training necessary to maintain a competitive edge. (10-30-12)

Personal Hygiene/Beauty:

The submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit. The costs of those treatments will be met by the Dominant. (10-30-12)

The submissive shall be responsible for the grooming of the Dominant’s ears and nose to keep them free of errant hair. (1-1-17)

Personal Qualities:

The Dominant and the submissive recognize that their behavior is a direct reflection on the other partner. The Dominant and the submissive shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of each other. (6-24-13)

The submissive will conduct herself with dignity and grace in public. (1-1-17)

Sex:

As a general rule, the submissive’s orgasms are not controlled, unless otherwise communicated, however, should the submissive have orgasms outside of the Dominant’s presence, she shall communicate this to the Dominant. (11-23-15)

The submissive is responsible for maintaining an adequate supply of lubricants, all types and for all purposes. Failing to maintain supply may mean intercourse without the aid of lubricant and cannot be cause for denial of sexual use by the Dominant or others. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall be responsible for pickup, cleaning, and putting away of sex toys and leather collar after play. (1-1-17)

Swinging:

The Dominant and the submissive desire to continue swinging activities together rather than separately; however, separate play may be negotiated prior to engagement. Sexual relations with others shall be conducted in a manner that shall not expose risk to the health and safety of either partner in this Agreement. The Dominant and the submissive shall maintain joint accounts on such Internet services such as Adult Friend Finder, Kasidie, Swing Lifestyles, etc. and individual accounts on FetLife (linked to each other) for swing and kink play. Neither party shall cancel, close, delete, or suspend any joint online account for any reason unless mutually agreed upon. (10-30-12)

Communication:

In general, the submissive is always expected to speak and express herself in a respectful manner, whether she is talking to the Dominant or anyone else. (11-23-15)

The Dominant and the submissive shall function with a philosophy of “over-communication.” Outside relationships will be discussed fully and proactively. All inquiries from either party shall be answered fully and honestly. All calendars, written or electronic, shall be maintained and accessible to either party. (11-19-12)

Either party may request access to an individual email account at any time for reason that must be explained to the account owner. The account owner will sit with the other party, login, and be present for the evaluation to witness the viewing and answer any questions that may arise. These inquiries are not expected to occur frequently, if at all. The same rules apply to all other communication devices as well. (1-1-15)

Both parties agree to work through disagreements using the Imago Dialogue process rather than dissolve this agreement. Dialogues shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication. (1-1-13)

Both the Dominant and the submissive recognize that humor can cut both ways, in that things spoken or written that might be funny to one person may be perceived as hurtful to the other. This contract, rules, and appendices and content, are not to be the subject of jokes. (1-1-13)

Serious discussions surrounding this contract, rules, or contents, and/or the relationship between the Dominant and submissive shall not take place while either party is driving a vehicle. Both parties recognize that this is not a safe activity. (1-1-13)

The Dominant requests that the submissive use the phrase, “Focus, Sir” should He become distracted or anxious during communication. (1-1-17)

The submissive must express her feelings, wants, state of health, likes, and dislikes at all times. She is free to express those needs consistent with her position, expressing not demanding. (1-1-17)

Any errors or breaches of this contract by the Dominant do not abrogate the submissive’s obligations provided for herein. The submissive may request a discussion, but should not expect an apology from the Dominant for any perceived, or real error, or omissions. Acceptance of this contract is sufficient for the submissive to understand the Dominant’s intent is to provide a safe, healthy structure and life for the submissive and that errors are reflective of the human condition, not motivated by malfeasance, or desire to harm the submissive. The submissive accepts any errors on an ad hoc basis. (1-1-17)

Tough Love Clause:

The submissive has the right to invoke this clause if she strongly believes she must intervene in the Dominant’s best interest. This gives the submissive freedom to speak her mind without being disrespectful. The submissive must announce that she is invoking this clause, state her case calmly and respectfully, allow questions and/or discussion, and accept the Dominant’s ultimate decision on the matter. The Dominant trusts that this clause will only be utilized when absolutely necessary for His well-being, not as a tool for the submissive to control the relationship. (11-23-15)

Travel:

The submissive shall not cause travel delays to the Dominant or any other traveler due to her dress. For example, should her shoes contain metal shanks and have to come off for TSA scanning, even in TSA pre-check, she should be prepared to do so without delaying others. She should be prepared to don her shoes again without delaying the Dominant. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall be polite and courteous while traveling, not blocking or delaying other travelers, therefore, the rule regarding door entry may be suspended when navigating through airports or other travel depots. (11-23-15)

The submissive will not pack the Dominant’s bags for travel unless expressly requested—the Dominant prefers to pack His own luggage. (1-1-17)

Financial

The financial agreements documented in the legal cohabitation agreement between the Dominant and the submissive will apply. (11-23-15)

The submissive shall be responsible for the payment of all utilities and other bills the Dominant so requests. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall track annual state sales tax using the spreadsheet He created, taxable donations, and rental property finances for our joint tax requirements. The submissive shall also accompany the Dominant to all meetings with the tax accountant. (1-1-17)

Annual Goals:

The Dominant and the submissive will annually prepare a list of goals. The submissive will be responsible for monitoring progress, reporting quarterly to the Dominant. (11-23-15)

Training:

The Dominant will schedule submissive training as needed. (4-24-16)

Housekeeping:

Household tasks will be distributed between the Dominant and the submissive at the Dominant’s discretion. Any housework done by the Dominant at His own volition shall not be perceived as a failure by the submissive or subject to punishment, unless the Dominant is completing a task the submissive had been directed to do and failed to complete. (1-1-17)

The Dominant willingly participates in the following housekeeping tasks, although they do not preclude the submissive from doing these tasks: laundry (all aspects, including dropping off and picking up dry cleaning), vacuuming/sweeping, mowing the lawn, blowing out the garage. (1-1-17)

The Dominant desires to own the following tasks, unless He deems them punishment tasks for the submissive: cleaning His own car, cleaning toilets, final cleanup of dishes and kitchen after the submissive prepares dinner. (1-1-17)

Social Organization:

The submissive is responsible for maintaining our social calendar and making suggests for social outings. she will bring her calendar to Happy Half in order to make any schedule updates that have occurred during the Dominant’s workday. (1-1-17)

The submissive is responsible for making social contacts and responding to messages in any and all of our online social networks, as well as email and text. (1-1-17)

The submissive shall maintain an Entertainment Journal that records guests (vanilla and kink) we have hosted, what was served, what we wore, entertainment provided, which room they slept in, etc. In addition, the submissive will track preferences of any and all of our guests in terms of allergies, special needs, favorite beverages, etc., in order to best host them. (1-1-17)

RITUALS

Morning Ritual:

When the Dominant is home, He will bring tea to the submissive at her bedside if still in bed. Once up, she shall promptly make the bed (or strip it if it is time for weekly laundering) and find the Dominant to greet Him for the day. If the submissive arises before the Dominant, she shall make coffee for the Dominant and bring to His bedside and make tea for herself. (1-1-17)

The Dominant and the submissive will begin each day exchanging “Good morning” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message. (11-23-15)

Focus Ritual:

Whenever the submissive has left the home for any period of time, upon her return, immediately after greeting the Dominant (when He is home), she shall inform Him she is going to have a time for focus, retire to the Master’s bedroom, and spend at least five minutes re-focusing back into her D/s relationship with the Dominant, thus releasing all angst and frustration in order to best serve Him. (1-1-17)

Happy Half Ritual:

The Dominant wishes to conclude His business day at 5:30 PM. In order to achieve this, the submissive shall notify the Dominant at 5:00 PM and serve drinks at 5:30 PM for the transition from work to home. The typical transition period will be approximately 30 minutes, termed “Happy Half,” for discussion and drinks to allow the Dominant to unwind from His day prior to dinner. (4-24-16)

Bedtime Ritual:

Before retiring to bed, the submissive shall prepare the coffee pot for the Dominant’s morning coffee, and set out her desired tea and fill the kettle in preparation for her morning tea. (1-1-17)

The submissive will prepare the Dominant’s bed whenever He is retiring to sleep. All decorative pillows will be removed from the bed and stored, His quilt will be spread over His side if He is desiring it, the covers and top sheet folded back for entry, His bed pillow set flat, and pillow for propping under His legs tucked between the sheets at the level of His knees. His bedside lamp will be turned on. (1-1-17)

The Dominant and the submissive will conclude each day with “Good night” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message. (11-23-15)

Greeting Rituals:

The submissive shall always greet the Dominant with a kiss and a smile, whether in private or public, if they have been apart. (1-1-17)

Whenever the Dominant is coming home from business travel, whether by air or car, the following greetings will occur, based upon His time of arrival.

Before 9 PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections), prepare the drink that He requests by telephone or text on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, check correspondence, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom to sit and visit with Him while He unpacks and prepares His bags for a future trip.

Between 9-11 PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections) or a robe (should she have retired to bed already) when He notifies her by telephone or text that He is on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom where He may or may not unpack.

After 11 PM: the submissive may remain in bed, should she have retired already. If she has not retired to bed, the 9-11 PM ritual shall apply. If she has retired to bed, she shall prepare the Dominant’s bed and leave entry and closet lights on in preparation for His return home before retiring herself. (1-1-17)

Dominant’s Traveling Rituals:

While the Dominant is traveling, the submissive shall text at least one sexy photo of herself every day using the invisible ink function on her iPhone to the Dominant’s personal phone. (1-1-17)

PROTOCOLS

When entering into the awareness of the Dominant, such as into His office while He is working, the submissive is to lightly knock on the door and await response from the Dominant for entry. Should the Dominant not respond to the knock, the submissive may knock again for response. (4-24-16)

In public situations, the submissive shall walk beside the Dominant unless the Dominant signals or communicates otherwise. The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open doors for her, other than restroom and car doors, which may or may not be opened by the Dominant for her. (4-24-16)

The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open the car door for her, if she is a passenger, except for when entering or leaving the car in the garage at home, due to obstruction. (1-1-17)

When walking on sidewalks or adjacent to vehicle traffic, the submissive shall walk on the inside, with the Dominant walking adjacent to traffic. (4-24-16)

When presenting the Dominant with an item, they are to be gently presented with two hands, palms up, when possible, presenting and holding until it is accepted or directed to be set down. (1-1-17)

When the submissive is to be collared with her leather collar for training, scenes, or at any other direction of the Dominant, she shall kneel upright, and present her collar in both palms in front of her. After the Dominant receives the collar from her, the submissive shall place her hands on the back of her head, holding her hair up off of her neck for placement of the collar by the Dominant. After the collar is place, she shall remain kneeling and place her palms on both thighs, awaiting next instruction. (1-1-17)

Should the submissive require funds, she will present the Dominant with an itemized request by kneeling before Him and presenting it in her outstretched hands. The submissive will perform whatever request the Dominant has at that time in order to receive the requested funds. (11-23-15, amended 1-1-17)

Failure to comply with any of the above rules, rituals, or protocols may result in discipline.

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, M/s, protocols, rituals, rules, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Tags: BDSM | 4 Comments

January 2017 Rituals and Protocols Update

Posted on January 5, 2017 by gabriella

ritual

Continuing the update of our contract, we have added rituals and protocols to Appendix 1.

Rituals

While the category is new, we have had rituals embedded in our rules. This update serves both to break our existing rituals out of the rules section and into their rightful place and introduce some new rituals.

So how are rituals different from rules? As LT Morrison describes in Devil In The Details III – The Art of Mastery- A Mentoring Trilogy: Volume III “Sustainable Structure & Training, rituals are those behaviors a submissive does either on their own volition or upon command based upon specific expectations taught by their master, primarily to reinforce the submissive mindset. i think this is why we had these interspersed with our rules, as they do look like rules and are taught like rules.

Morning Ritual

This is not new, but has never been codified. Maximus has been bringing me tea in the mornings as long as we have been living together. It confused me at first, as it seemed subservient to me, but it is of His own volition and serves a greater purpose as being a way to release me from bed. It also allows Him to have His morning routine without interruption.

When the Dominant is home, the submissive shall remain in bed and await tea brought to her by the Dominant before rising from the bedchamber. Once up, she shall promptly make the bed (or strip it if it is time for weekly laundering) and find the Dominant to greet Him for the day.

These are existing rituals moved from the rules section.

The Dominant and the submissive will begin each day exchanging “Good morning” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message.

The submissive shall prepare and serve fresh “green” juice for the Dominant every morning when He is at home. This may not be necessary on mornings He is traveling in the early morning hours and will be communicated.

Focus Ritual

This is a new ritual and something we both think will be extremely helpful for me. i am an introvert, in that i derive power from my inner-self, home, quiet, and introspection. i am not shy and am very social, but this drains my batteries. Going out to run errands drains my batteries too and i am very careful when i go as to control the rate of drain! i don’t shop on the weekends and time my errands so i don’t get caught in dreaded Seattle-area traffic–something i abhor! Drained batteries looks like crankiness and bitchiness in me–i get short-tempered, frustrated, and overwhelmed. It’s not fun for either Maximus or me to have me come home irritated and take it out on Him. So to combat this, Maximus has instated a focus ritual.

Whenever the submissive has left the home for any period of time, upon her return, immediately after greeting the Dominant (when He is home), she shall inform Him she is going to have a time for focus, retire to the Master’s bedroom, and spend at least five minutes re-focusing back into her D/s relationship with the Dominant, thus releasing all angst and frustration in order to best serve Him.

Happy Half Ritual

Happy Half is being moved from Rules to Ritual, as it really is a ritual.

The submissive shall notify the Dominant at 5:00 PM and serve drinks at 5:30 PM for the transition from work to home. The typical transition period will be approximately 30 minutes, termed “Happy Half,” for discussion and drinks to allow the Dominant to unwind from His day prior to dinner.

Bedtime Ritual

There are several rituals pertaining to bedtime, most of which have been in effect for some time. However, the first one is new.

Before retiring to bed, the submissive shall prepare the coffee pot for the Dominant’s morning coffee, and set out her desired tea and fill the kettle in preparation for her morning tea.

The submissive will prepare the Dominant’s bed whenever He is retiring to sleep. All decorative pillows will be removed from the bed and stored, His quilt will be spread over His side if He is desiring it, the covers and top sheet folded back for entry, His bed pillow set flat, and pillow for propping under His legs tucked between the sheets at the level of His knees. His bedside lamp will be turned on.

The Dominant and the submissive will conclude each day with “Good night” and “I/i love You/you.” If either the Dominant or the submissive is traveling and physically away from the other, the communication may occur via telephone or text message.

Greeting Rituals

These are new.

The submissive shall always greet the Dominant with a kiss and a smile, whether in private or public, if they have been apart.

This next ritual pertains to Maximus’ return from travel. i have always sat with Him while He’s unpacked His travel bags, but He would prefer something more formal.

Whenever the Dominant is coming home from business travel, whether by air or car, the following greetings will occur, based upon His time of arrival.

Before 9PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections), prepare the drink that He requests by telephone or text on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, check correspondence, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom to sit and visit with Him while He unpacks and prepares His bags for a future trip.

Between 9-11 PM: the submissive shall don an outfit of His choosing (may be one of several preset selections) or a robe (should she have retired to bed already) when He notifies her by telephone or text that He is on His way home, and wait in the living room. The Dominant will enter the house, go into His office to drop off His things, and come to the submissive in the living room. At His command, the submissive will follow Him upstairs to the Master’s bedroom where He may or may not unpack.

After 11 PM: the submissive may remain in bed, should she have retired already. If she has not retired to bed, the 9-11 PM ritual shall apply. If she has retired to bed, she shall prepare the Dominant’s bed and leave entry and closet lights on in preparation for His return home before retiring herself.

Protocol

Protocols guide interaction, per Morrison. We are low-protocol, for the most part, in our daily lives together. Maximus does have a desire to delve into High Protocol for some scenes and for some group gatherings, such as teas or dinners, but these would be temporary and will require a lot of training for both of us. We are hoping to find others interested and/or experienced in this for mentoring.

The interaction section of our rules are actually protocols, so they are being moved.

When entering into the awareness of the Dominant, such as into His office while He is working, the submissive is to lightly knock on the door and await response from the Dominant for entry. Should the Dominant not respond to the knock, the submissive may knock again for response.

In public situations, the submissive shall walk beside the Dominant unless the Dominant signals or communicates otherwise. The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open doors for her, other than restroom doors.

The submissive shall wait for the Dominant to open the car door for her, if she is a passenger, except for when entering or leaving the car in the garage at home, due to obstruction.

When walking on sidewalks or adjacent to vehicle traffic, the submissive shall walk on the inside, with the Dominant walking adjacent to traffic.

Presenting items is a new protocol:

When presenting the Dominant with an item, they are to be gently presented with two hands, palms up, when possible, presenting and holding until it is accepted or directed to be set down.

i have only one position protocol, which is when Maximus is preparing a scene or we are commencing training and i am to be collared with my leather collar. This is not new, but had not been codified before.

When the submissive is to be collared with her leather collar for training, scenes, or at any other direction of the Dominant, she shall kneel upright, and present her collar in both palms in front of her. After the Dominant receives the collar from her, the submissive shall place her hands on the back of her head, holding her hair up off of her neck for placement of the collar by the Dominant. After the collar is place, she shall remain kneeling and place her palms on both thighs, awaiting next instruction.

These are the extent of our rituals and protocols for now. At this time they will remain in Appendix 1 unless Maximus determines we should re-index the supplementary material of our contract. i will be working on making all of these changes to our official document and will update the BDSM Contract and Rules page when i have completed it and it is approved by Maximus.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, D/s, Dom/sub, M/s, protocols, rituals | Tags: BDSM | Leave a comment

January 2017 Rules Updates

Posted on January 4, 2017 by gabriella

rules

There are a lot of changes to Appendix 1 Rules of our contract, so hold on tight!

First, Appendix 1 will be renamed Rules, Rituals, and Protocols

One rule is being moved to the body of the contract:

The Dominant and the submissive recognize that this relationship is unique to them and is a primary relationship to any other relationship the Dominant or the submissive have with others. The submissive will be the Dominant’s only sub; The Dominant shall be the submissive’s only Dom. Furthermore, the submissive shall not take on the position of a Domme or Dominatrix with another party, nor shall the Dominant be taken in as a submissive to another.

While that seemed to imply emotional monogamy, it really didn’t spell it out. Emotional monogramy is fundamental to our relationship, so it deserved to be written into the contract and will be included in this clause. Furthermore, it was listed as a rule and it should be in the fundamentals of our contract, so it has been moved.

There are three changes under the category Sleep.

First, the rule about preparing Maximus’ bed is being moved to the Rituals section and will further describe exactly how i should perform this.

Second, we are adding:

The submissive shall sleep in a position in the bed where the Dominant can touch her at all times.

Maximus prefers that i am in close contact with Him while we sleep, something that was impossible for me to do while i was suffering from hypothyroidism (our body temperatures were so off from each other that any touch from Him felt like hot brands burning into my skin, and not in a sexy, BDSM way!). Now that i am in recovery, Maximus is establishing this rule.

Third,

The submissive shall don and wear the Dominant’s wrist cuffs to sleep at night whenever He is traveling and away at night.

This is a reminder to me of His need for touch at night and makes me feel more secure while He is gone.

Under Clothing, we are adding a notation about the wearing of my day collar/collar-representing jewelry. Again, it was something that had been communicated but not codified.

The Dominant has collared the submissive. This collar is to be presented by the submissive for placement (as described in the Protocols section) by the Dominant during training, BDSM play, kink events (where appropriate), and when directed by the Dominant. He has also provided a more discreet marking of ownership in the form of a David Yurman link chain ring and necklace, either or both which shall be worn at all times inside and outside the house, except when bathing, sleeping, or housekeeping/projects and exercise make it unsafe to so do. The submissive is the only person in the world permitted to wear the Dominant’s collar or other markings of ownership, none of which shall ever be shared or loaned by the submissive.

The collar is extremely important to us. Maximus just wants the wearing of my actual collar and collar-representing jewelry to be practical and safe. i am always collared and am aware of my collaring without the actual collar or jewelry in place. This is a deviation from most collared subs, but it is Maximus’ rule for me.

Personal Hygiene/Beauty has a new entry regarding my responsibility for keeping Maximus’ ears and nose free of errant hair.

Under Personal Qualities, we are adding:

The submissive will conduct herself with dignity and grace in public.

It’s not been a problem, but important to note.

Sex will now include that i am responsible for maintaining our supply of lubricants, all types and for all purposes. Failing to maintain supply may mean intercourse without the aid of lubricant.

Under Communication, we are adding:

The submissive must express her feelings, wants, state of health, likes, and dislikes at all times. She is free to express those needs consistent with her position, expressing not demanding.

This includes communicating about whether i dislike a television show or movie rather than just getting up in the middle and leaving the room–i didn’t realize this was a problem for Maximus, i thought i was being polite. Apparently this leaves Him in a lurch wondering if He should pause and wait for me to return, if He’d offended me somehow, if i’m ill, etc.

We are also adding:

Any errors or breaches of this contract by the Dominant do not abrogate the submissive’s obligations provided for herein. The submissive may request a discussion, but should not expect an apology from the Dominant for any perceived, or real error, or omissions. Acceptance of this contract is sufficient for the submissive to understand the Dominant’s intent is to provide a safe, healthy structure and life for the submissive and that errors are reflective of the human condition, no motivated by malfeasance, or desire to harm the submissive. The submissive accepts any errors on an ad hoc basis.

This helps with a perception that Maximus has that i am, at times, requesting discussion about issues expecting an apology–i’m generally not. Most of the time i just want to communicate how i’m feeling and have acknowledgement that He recognizing how something made me feel and an apology from Him just makes me feel more frustrated and unheard. He shared that He often just apologizes just to avoid discussion.

New subject heading: Housekeeping.

Household tasks will be distributed between the Dominant and the submissive at the Dominant’s discretion. Any housework done by the Dominant at His own volition shall not be perceived as a failure by the submissive or subject to punishment, unless the Dominant is completing a task the submissive had been directed to do and failed to complete.

The Dominant willingly participates in the following housekeeping tasks, although they do not preclude the submissive from doing these tasks: laundry (all aspects, including dropping off and picking up dry cleaning), vacuuming/sweeping, mowing the lawn, blowing out the garage.

The Dominant desires to own the following tasks, unless He deems them punishment tasks for the submissive: cleaning His own car, cleaning toilets, final cleanup of dishes and kitchen after the submissive prepares dinner.

Maximus enjoys housekeeping tasks, it gives Him a break from His work day. i get a little twitchy about this, however, and often apologize when i find Him completing housework tasks–He wants this to stop. i do have my daily chore list that i developed and will continue this, i just need to understand that He is going to do some housework as well.

The Interaction section will be moved to Protocals.

In Travel, Maximus wanted it clarified that i do not pack His travel bags.

Under Financial, we are adding language to reflect the recent addition of my responsibility for paying utility bills. Maximus has also added that i will track all sales tax (using the spreadsheet He created), taxable donations, and rental property finances. i am also to go with Him to meetings with the tax accountant.

There will be one addition to Work/Life Balance which is to indicate that i am to bring my calendar to Happy Half in case Maximus needs to update me on any schedule updates that have occurred during His workday.

Social Organization is a new section.

The submissive is responsible for maintaining our social calendar and making suggestions for social outings.

The submissive is responsible for making social contacts and responding to messages in any and all of our online social networks, as well as email and text.

The submissive shall maintain an Entertainment Journal that records guests (vanilla and kink) we have hosted, what was served, what we wore, entertainment provided, which room they slept in, etc. In addition, the submissive will track preferences of any and all of our guests in terms of allergies, special needs, favorite beverages, etc., in order to best host them.

It appears to be a lot of new rules, but many of these are codifying what we have already been doing and some are reorganizations into correct or new parts of the contract. i will be going through and adding the dates each rule was taught to me, which i will continue from this point forward. In addition, i will keep a copy of the Appendix 1 Rules, Rituals, and Protocols available in a binder at all times for my (and Maximus’) reference.

Tomorrow i will journal about our new Rituals and Protocols sections.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, M/s, rules, Total Power Exchange, training | Tags: BDSM | Leave a comment

January 2017 Contract Updates

Posted on January 3, 2017 by gabriella

contract

As i noted yesterday, after reading Devil In The Details III – The Art of Mastery- A Mentoring Trilogy: Volume III “Sustainable Structure & Training” part of The Devil in the Details: the Art of Mastery series by LT Morrison, we had some things we wanted to update in our contract.

First, was that we didn’t have our Relationship Vision in it, which we realize was a big omission. When we went to the D/s discussion group and discussed contracts, i noticed that the submissives that had contracts mentioned that their relationship vision was included in theirs, and the book talked about the importance of having that defined in the contract as well. So we have added our relationship vision to the Fundamental Terms of our contract in a Preamble. We also included the manner in which this contract was developed, should it ever get into hands of family who might misunderstand it.

While we did have a statement that included confidentiality of “all that occurs under the terms of this contract,” we didn’t really have an overt confidentiality clause. Confidentiality hasn’t been an issue for us, but we both felt it needed a bit more weight. We are adding this to our contract, including requiring permission to inform others of our D/s dynamic prior to disclosure.

Next, as we’ve been reading and attending a M/s, D/s, TPE relationship discussion group, we are narrowing down on our relationship dynamic. i know it seems strange to keep adjusting this, but we discover more about ourselves all the time, and it requires some adjustment to our contract. For us, we are somewhere on the continuum between M/s and D/s. Maximus desires me to have free will, therefore not a slave, but i do consider Him my Master and possessed/owned by Him. Since we are not truly a M/s dynamic, we are changing all references from M/s to D/s. Does it change our relationship? No. It simply is a clerical change as not to misconstrue our dynamic when others read our contract.

Punishment is a difficult area for Maximus. i believe i’ve journalled before that He is not completely comfortable with punishment as discipline, and didn’t even spank His children when they were growing up. As we have a CEO/COO arrangement, physical punishment just doesn’t seem to fit, in His mind, but it is an option in our contract that is NOT going away. However, we are adding a clause that the Dominant shall never punish the submissive in anger.

Finally, we really appreciated the statements Morrison had at the signature lines of his contracts. It seemed a fitting conclusion to the contract and reiterates what is being signed.

For the submissive:

i have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. i agree to give myself completely to my Dominant, and further accept His claim of ownership over my physical body. i understand that i may be commanded, trained, and punished and i promise to be true and to fulfill the pleasure and desires of my Dominant to the best of my abilities. i understand that i cannot withdraw from this contract except as stated in this contract.

For the Dominant:

I have read and fully understand this contract in its entirety. I agree to accept this submissive as my property, body, and possessions, and to care for her to the best of my ability. I shall provide for her security and well-being and command her, train her, and punish her as a submissive. I understand the responsibility implicit in this arrangement, and agree that no harm shall come to her as long as she is mine. I further understand that I can withdraw from this contract at any time.

These are the changes to our base contract. There are significantly more changes/additions to our rules, which are in Appendix 1. In addition, we have protocols and rituals that need to be broken out of the rules section. i will address these in the next journal post.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, LT Morrison, M/s, Relationship Vision, TPE | Tags: BDSM | 1 Comment

Our Book Club–Devil in the Details III

Posted on January 2, 2017 by gabriella

devil-details-iii

Last month Maximus selected Devil In The Details III – The Art of Mastery- A Mentoring Trilogy: Volume III “Sustainable Structure & Training” part of The Devil in the Details: the Art of Mastery
series by LT Morrison for our personal book club. We’ve read the other two books in the series, but this was by far our favorite and most useful to us. The other books were about the theory of M/s relationships, but this volume was about the application of these theories. It detailed contracts, training, rules, rituals, and protocols and offered examples of each through stories and actual documents used and developed by Morrison. This was something we’d been looking for and both Maximus and i highlighted a lot of this book for our discussion.

A lot has come out of our reading. First, Maximus has asked that i keep a binder to keep our Rules, Master Preferences, and Entertainment Journal. The rules section will hold Appendix 2 of our contract, which is our house rules, rituals, and protocols. i am also to go back through the historical archive of our contracts and rules and indicate the date of which each rule was taught to me. Master Preferences is my list of things i have learned about Maximus’ personal preferences, such as the fact that He hates olives and that the Seahawks are His favorite football team. The Entertainment Journal is a record of guests (vanilla and kink) we have hosted, what was served, what we wore, entertainment provided, which room they slept in, etc. In addition, i am to develop a system to track preferences of any and all of our guests in terms of allergies, special needs, favorite beverages, etc., so that i can be best prepared to best host them.

There are some changes to our contract and rules as well. i have pages of notes for additions, edits, alterations of our contract and rules that i will completing over the next several days. i will do them in stages and journal about each section and then update the Contract and Rules page after we have reviewed and signed. As is our norm, the rules we discussed and i verbally agreed to last night when we went over them go into effect immediately.

As always, discussion about our contract, rules, ritual, and protocol makes us feel just so connected. Going over what we’d read and how to improve our D/s relationship by applying the concepts introduced in this book took hours, but gave us a greater understanding and connection. To me, it gives some more framework in areas that we hadn’t thought about or had operated under but not codified.

Maximus loved the last section of the book with a parable of two wolves:

“Son, there is a battle that goes on inside us all. It is a battle between two wolves.”

“One is Evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, and ego.

“The other wolf is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”

His son thought about it, then asked.

“Which wolf wins, Dad?”

He smiled and look at this young man, so much like him.

“Son, it is always the one you feed.”

Going over our contract, rules, rituals, and protocols feeds our Good wolf. It never feels oppressive, controlling, or confining, it feels like an enhancement and strength. i’ve never gone away from a contract discussion with Maximus feeling upset or like i’ve been screwed–i always go away joyous, light, happy, and more connected.

Our Next Book

ms-mastery

Our next book will be Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches and practices by Robert J. Rubel, Ph.D. and M. Jen Fairfield. i’ve read this book already and requested to Maximus that we go over it together for our next book, which He agreed.

We will go over sections once a week, as we did with our last book, but i will reserve our review until we finish, unless there is something i need to journal about before the end.

Future Reading Material

i do have a running list of books for Our Book Club, but do you have any recommendations? i’d love to know what others have found helpful in M/s, D/s, protocol, ritual, BDSM, domestic discipline, etc. Please feel free to comment suggestions!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, D/s, Dom/sub, LT Morrison, M/s, Our Book Club, relationship, training | Tags: BDSM | 4 Comments

Training Day 28NOV16

Posted on December 2, 2016 by gabriella

single-column-tie

Because i was gone the 21st visiting family, we didn’t have training that day, thus the skip of a weekly training.

Today we finished reviewing our contract, specifically going through my BDSM checklist (Appendix 2). i had gone through it prior to our training and made some notations. Really, not much had changed from the last time we did this in April 2014. The changes were simply adjustments, changing the notation on whether i had participated in activity types before and/or my level of interest in engaging in specific activities.

Here are the specific items that changed. Note, there are two answers for each activity on my checklist. The first answer indicates whether i’ve ever tried that activity before (Yes = I have participated in this activity before/No = I have not participated in this activity before). The second answer indicates my level of interest in engaging in that activity on a scale of 0 – 5, NO,?, +, ! or a combination: 0 = I have no interest/don’t like this, but would do it to please you. 1 = Not very interesting/don’t really enjoy this too much, 2 = This is OK, 3 = This is nice/fun/interesting, 4 = I really enjoy/think I’ll enjoy this activity, 5 = I LOVE THIS/CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THIS, NO = Hard limit. I will not participate in this activity at all, at this time, ? = Unfamiliar with this activity, + = I’m scared of this but would possibly like to explore it, ! = I’m embarrassed to admit I like this.

Clothespins – Maximus changed His response to notate that He has participated in this activity before. (Actually, i think the fact it was listed as a “no” before was an error)
Examinations (physical) – When we did this checklist before, we read this as doctor roleplay, not BDSM medical play. Medical play is not something we are interested in at this time, so it was changed from Yes, 5 for me and YES/5 for Maximus to No, No and NO/NO, respectively.
Fantasy Gang Rape –i have had a recurring fantasy about this for the last couple of years, which Maximus and i have talked about. i’d initially indicated this as a No, No (hard limit at this time), but changed it to a No, 3. Maximus’ response is still NO/0. We talked about the logistics of this type of play and Maximus would like to discuss it more before proceding.
Fantasy Rape – This changed from a No, 4 to a Yes, 5 as we have done this one-on-one.
Forced Servitude – Was changed to notate i have participated in this. The last time we did the checklist i was not living with Maximus and we were not 24/7.
Housework – Same as above.
Intricate Rope Bondage – i had not indicated my level of interest in this activity the last time, so i entered a 5.
Kneeling – Changed to a Yes as we have incorporated this into our 24/7 D/s when i moved in with Maximus.
Serving as a Maid – Changed to Yes, like forced servitude and housework.
Stocks – i changed this from a No, 4 to a No, 5. i have recently had some fantasies about stocks which Maximus and i have been discussing. We may incorporate some stock equipment into our new dungeon, when it is completed.
Tickling – i changed this to a hard limit. i had it as a 2, but the reality is i just cannot handle it and it ruins any type of play for us.
Physical Concerns – changed to notate my thyroid replacement therapy.
Fetishes – added rope.

i’ll work on updating the contract page to reflect the recent work we’ve done on all aspects of our contract, including the appendices.

After completing the checklist, Maximus did some basic rope practice with me. We recently signed up for a Bondage for Sex class at the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture and since it’s been quite a while since we had any rope instruction, Maximus wanted to go over some basics. The class requires proficiency in the single column tie, so went to The Twisted Monk‘s website and reviewed his video on the technique.

The class is Dec. 10th, and we’re super excited to attend. It’s the first in a three part series of rope bondage and will cover:

Futomomo. The futomomo (aka the frog tie) is our favorite way to immobilize the legs.

Chicken wing arms. Similar to the futo, but for arms.

The Somerville Bowline. This is a more advanced version of the basic column tie that we teach in our introductory classes. It takes more skill to tie, but works better and is faster to tie.

Chest harness. Because every bottom is better with a handle.

Extending rope. Being able to quickly add rope on the fly is tremendously useful.

Wrists to ankles. This tremendously versatile and exposed position is infinitely better than the spread eagle.

Crab. An excellent general-purpose sex tie.

Leg spreader. Super simple and super effective.

Face down immobilizer. Need to immobilize your partner, but don’t have anything to tie them to? Not a problem.

It’s so good to be back into consistent training. i’m looking forward to what Maximus has next.

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, D/s, Foundation for Sex Positive Culture, rope bondage | Leave a comment

Training Day 15NOV16

Posted on November 21, 2016 by gabriella

fullsizerender1

While we were at Desire, Maximus and i had a lot of discussion about how things were going with our D/s, including needs, wants, where we could improve, what needed changing, etc. It was a great conversation to have because we really had put D/s on the back burner while we dealt with issues regarding a huge neighborhood debacle, searching for a new place, renting out our condo, and then moving into our new home.

i wouldn’t say we stopped our D/s, as we continued our CEO/COO roles (especially as i worked the transition from one home to another), but the sexual/sensual aspect really slowed down, nearly to a halt. We continued to have Happy Half most days in order to catch up with each other and give Maximus a time to wind down, but my training stopped, we didn’t review the contract, Maximus didn’t reinforce rules when i failed to obey them, and we rarely had sex. Frankly, we were both emotionally beat from the neighborhood issues, even to the point where Maximus’ health was affected. At Maximus’ request, after He’d been given a clean bill of health and it was determined that His issues were stress-related, i found Him a kink-aware counselor to help Him manage the stress of the situation. She’s been magnificent! (By the way, here is where i have found kink-aware professionals when we’ve needed them from time to time: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.) So it suffices to say that we just didn’t have the capacity to really focus on D/s.

However, i will say, and Maximus is very upfront about this, we were able to stay together throughout an extremely stressful period that could have easily fractured most couples. Not only did we not come apart, we grew closer and stronger because of it. This was something new for both of us. i won’t say we didn’t have any conflict throughout this time, we did, and this is the area where i strayed from my rules, but it was nowhere near what it could have been and certainly was nowhere near any of the conflict we had at the beginning of our D/s relationship.

We both agreed that the first thing we needed to do was to review our contract, to make sure we had a solid foundation, and restart my training, to break the bad habits i had developed over the past year. Initially we planned contract review at Desire, but then felt there would be too many distractions and not enough private space for us to really focus on something so important. It was a good choice.

Maximus asked me to prepare a space for contract review to coincide with Happy Half (i’m not sure i’ve gone into detail about Happy Half other than a notation in a post about a prior contract review, so i’ll make sure to go into detail about this in a future entry). He also instructed me to prepare our bedroom for a scene after training was completed, including waterproofing our mattress, ensuring bed restraints were accessible, and assembling cuffs, spring links, spreader bars, clover nipple clamps, two Hitachi wands, gags, blindfold, crop, and lube. i happily went off to do this and returned to Him naked, wearing only my Christian Louboutin heels He bought for me in Paris, to let Him know the tasks had been completed. He’d initially planned to start our training in an hour an a half, but appearing naked, He immediately moved up our training time! (Note: One of the things that Maximus has requested since i moved in two years ago was that i spend as much time as practical being naked and clad in stilettos. But because we lived in a condo adjacent to a community pond and dealing with neighborhood issues, i was not comfortable in doing this. Our new home affords us much more privacy and upon returning from Desire, where we were naked most of the time, i have been more able to comply with Maximus’ direction). i prepared a bottle of champagne and two flutes, two copies of our contract, pens, and my collar, which Maximus secured upon the commencement of my training.

We had great discussion while reviewing our contract. First, we had to update our address! He commended me on remembering to address Him as Sir or Maximus, after He’d corrected me when i had failed to do so in a Tweet prior to our trip to Desire.

tweet-and-text We discussed finding a community here like we have with the Swingset group at Desire and how to go about doing that. i was tasked with updating our Fetlife profiles and finding munches/classes to go to in order to meet like-minded others. And tasked with re-establishing contacts in swinging as well. We talked about the troubles we’d had in finding others in BDSM in the past (mostly trepidation on our part) and that we just needed to “get over ourselves” and do it. This led into going over how we play with others, my ownership and His dedication to me. i will not be given away as property to another Dom/me, rather loaned to serve/play in a scene as He is comfortable with at His will, with my ability to request; and that He will not take on other submissives or become submissive to another. And we had quite a discussion on polyamory, which i will discuss in another posting (we are not polyamorous).

Maximus was very pleased that i was spending more time naked while at home. We discussed the parameters of this and that i was to be naked as much as practical, that is, if i am working on projects that require me to go in and out of the house, have multiple errands during the day, guests scheduled, or doing something that it is safer to be clothed, i do not have to go in and out of a clothed state–i am to wear clothing as not to interfere with getting my tasks done in those cases. An apron, sexy lingerie, silky robe may be worn and while stilettos are His preferred choice of footwear for me, He understands that this can be an issue going up and down our hardwood stairs all day. His preference is that i am in stilettos for Happy Half when i am naked. And i was instructed to find a wrap-around dress that i can keep by the front door and quickly don should i need to answer the door, as it would not be appropriate for me to answer the door in a silky bathrobe.

We deferred going through my BDSM checklist until our next training as our review had already taken an hour and a half.

We then had our scene. Maximus led me upstairs and i knelt on my kneeling pillow. He applied my cuffs to my wrists, blindfolded me, inserted the ball gag and instructed me to tap my right hand on the bed for my safeword since i would not be able to speak. He then took me to standing, applied the clover nipple clamps, took off my shoes, and positioned me on my back on the bed. my wrists were secured to the bed restraint system, cuffs applied to my ankles, spreader bar secured and restrained spread eagle. Maximus cropped my breasts and clit, fingered me so i squirted over and over. He then brought the spreader bar holding my ankles up to my wrists and secured me, exposing my pussy. Unfortunately, i had squirmed up against the headboard, unbeknownst to Maximus and positioning me this way jammed my head to the side and into my chest, giving me a sensation of choking against my collar. i tried to overcome this feeling, but i had made a mistake in putting two Liberator blankets on the bed over the waterproof sheeting, velvet side up, and i’d gotten really warm because of it, which was causing me to overheat and feel suffocated. i had to tap out and while i tried to stay calm, i got a little anxious because i’d waited too long to safeword. Maximus did a wonderful job of getting my mouth and neck free of the gag ball and collar so i could communicate that i needed to be pulled away from the headboard. Maximus also discovered that my squirming had not only pushed me into the padded leather headboard, but that it had caused the tail end of my collar to come out and bind behind my neck, causing the collar to feel tighter.

i was upset that i’d had to safeword out. i really hate that as i fear that i am disappointing Maximus. And, i was really looking forward to the play while being restrained all-fours on the spreader bar. But Maximus was thrilled with the play we’d had, especially the copious amount of white cum i’d sprayed all over, which was dripping down the headboard!

i don’t know why i used the Liberator blankets over the plastic sheeting. Normally i put it under a fitted cotton bed sheet, which is so much cooler. Mistake from not having a scene for several months. But a great learning experience to apply in future scenes.

Maximus freed me from all the restraints and left the clover clamps to last. It is always excruciating to have those removed! Maximus allowed me to curl into Him as He removed the first one, causing me to scream. He loves to cup and squeeze my breast after He removes the clamps, which make it even more painful–but so, so good! The second one came off the same way. And i had such beautiful bite marks (that itched for days as they healed, a constant reminder of Him)!

Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, breast torture, Christian Louboutin Red Bottomed Shoes, D/s, nipple clamps, Spreader bar, training | Leave a comment

Contract and Rules Updated

Posted on November 24, 2015 by gabriella

signing contract

One the the goals we had for our trip to Hawaii was to update our contract to reflect our M/s dynamic and incorporate rules we have and others Maximus wished to incorporate. We’d talked a lot about the changes over the past month but we just needed some quiet time together in order to document them.

The final document has been uploaded on the BDSM Contract & Rules page, but i wanted to go through and talk about some of the specific changes we made and how they came about. We’ve had several amendments to our contract over the past three years and i don’t think i’ve ever documented changes from the original. i won’t talk about all three years of changes, just what we did with this amendment.

Fundamental Terms

Under Fundamental Terms, we added subsmissive’s serviceheart to the fundamental purpose of this agreement. It was always an aspect to our D/s and M/s, my need for providing service, but it’d not been documented. The Roles section was amended to include the description of our dynamic:

The Dominant (Master) and submissive (slave-slut) adopt a 24/7 Master/slave-slut (M/s) relationship in the style of Chief Executive Officer/Chief Operating Officer (CEO/COO).

It has taken us quite some time to figure this out and it was important to document it.

Commencement and Term

The Term of this contract changed as well. It has always had an expiration date, generally our GOT (Growing Old Together) anniversary (see GOT and 1st GOT Day). However, an expiration date does not match with the meaning of GOT and the essence of our relationship. It bothered me that our contract expired every year. We have clauses for review and amending the contract, so the expiration is not necessary for us. We also added that this dynamic is 24/7, something we were living but had not documented.

Dominant

There was one change under the Dominant section. We have both struggled with the wording of 12.10 even though we understood the intention of that line item. While i am Maximus’ property, we both wanted a clause that protected me from ever being the property of anyone else. Initially we had that i could not be loaned to another Dominant, but we’ve done that a couple of times, as was the case in Eagle Scout flogging me; and really swinging is just that, Maximus loaning me to have sexual relations with others, including those with dominant sexual characteristics. But, what we really want to say is i cannot be given as property to another Master.

Submissive

Anticipatory service was added under the Submissive section. This is a very important aspect of my service, something i love to do and something Maximus very much appreciates. my goal is to make Maximus’ life run “as smoothly and effectively as possible,” as now noted under our Rules, and anticipatory service best achieves that. It would be distracting and disruptive for Maximus to have to direct and micromanage me, and a good COO utilizes leadership and decision making so that the business operation runs according to the values and expectations of the CEO. This is what i do.

The final change in the contract reflects a greater emphasis on me addressing Maximus as “Sir,” but not in the presence of family, vanilla friends, or during other times that would bring negative attention to us. This was after much discussion and adding a little bit more formality but not implementing formal protocol, which Maximus does not have a lot of interest in.

Rules

There were more changes in our Rules, actually, additions. We’ve been operating with a lot of rules that had never been documented.

Obedience. As noted above, my goal of enhancing Maximus’ life was documented. In addition, it outlines negative behaviors that should be avoided, something Maximus believes i struggle with. i believe i am doing so much better on this than before, and i appreciate why it’s there.

Sleep. Maximus wanted to include that i ensure that He gets adequate rest and sleep, not just myself, as i am usually more aware of His needs in this area than He is. We also documented what i have been doing for years, preparing Maximus’ bed at night.

Also in this section is a clarification on sleeping arrangements with others. Maximus has no problem with us sleeping with others (actually sleeping, not a euphemism for sex), but He only wants to sleep next to me in those situations, no one else. He feels sleeping between me and another person dilutes His connection with me. In addition, while i don’t have a desire to play separately and Maximus does not wish to play separately Himself, He does encourage me to do so, but with the stipulation that i sleep (again sleep, not sex) alone when i ever do play separate.

Food. Again, documenting things we already do. i have been making green juice for Maximus most mornings and He recently requested that this be done every morning He is home. i don’t have to do it when He’s leaving for the airport at 4AM or if we’re traveling and don’t have access to a juicer. Additionally, Maximus has been working on a more “vegan-ish” diet when eating out and has requested that i help Him with menus by letting Him know what options are available for Him to order.

Clothing. He has had a rule since before i came into the picture that bras must be removed by 5:30 PM at His home. This had never been documented in our contract, and this amendment fixes that. There are exceptions to this rule in regards to the presence of family and friends, etc., and it also applies when we are on vacations.

Another rule we’ve operated under is my attire while traveling. i have always had to dress for first class travel, regardless of our fare class. Maximus looks for “Best of Show” when at airports or hotels, and it is His wish that i am “Best of Show” when i am traveling, whether i am with Him or not. Shoes are a particularly important aspect in determining show status, and my shoes must be selected accordingly for travel.

Sex. Maximus has not limited my orgasms to only Him, i.e., i am allowed to masterbate and orgasm. However, He recently required that i notify Him immediately if i do masterbate and/or orgasm away from Him and then document it in my journal. It has pretty much stopped my masterbation, though, and i know that is not His intention. i need to not be afraid of having to notify Him and journal about masterbating and orgasming away from Him.

Swinging. Again, Maximus would love for me to play separately even though He does not wish to do this Himself. This is reiterated in this section. Maximus has had several bad experiences with playing separately, especially with women who misunderstand sex vs. love, therefore He has chosen not to play separate to avoid unnecessary drama in His life.

Communication. Speaking in a respectful manner was added as well as documenting our morning salutations and evening valedictions that we have operated under for years.

Tough Love Clause. This is a very important addition to our contract. i actually used this before we ever discussed it.

This summer while we were preparing our backyard for installation of patio pavers, Maximus came around the house with a pick-axe and began to use that tool while barefooted. i was horrified! i politely asked Him to stop and put on a pair of shoes to protect His feet. He returned with sandals. i again asked that He put on real shoes, something that would keep Him from cutting off His toes should the pick-axe slip and strike His feet. He was incredulous and said it was fine. i replied i was going into the house and wasn’t going to be out here working if He wore sandals because i was not interested in watching Him cut off His toes. i’d never stood up to Him like this before, but i was really concerned about this poor decision and wanted to protect Him from it.

Well, He was irate about this! i’ve NEVER seen Him so upset with me!! He threw down the pick-axe, swore all the way into the house, slammed the back door. i stood there shocked, scared, even, about deliberately confronting Him. But He returned, carrying the largest, hottest pair of work boots He could find to wear in the 90-degree heat. i quietly remarked that He didn’t need such heavy boots, athletic shoes would suffice, but He insisted on wearing them. i let the battle end there and never mentioned it again as He wore those boots for the remaining weeks of our project.

Well fast-forward to a month ago. i’d pretty much forgotten about this. We were at a wine tasting with Swimmer Guy and his wife when the topic of “wives often knowing what’s best for husbands whether they like it or not,” came up. And to my shock and surprise, Maximus started telling this story, but added how He had actually hit His boot-clad feet four times during the project, so hard that He knew that He would probably have sustained great injury had i not insisted He wear Goddamned shoes, and hoped i had not seen it happen. Well i hadn’t! And certainly, i would not have gloated about it if i had.

We hadn’t thought about codifying this until i recently listened to Kayla Lords Loving BDSM podcast. One of her podcasts addressed Adding a Tough Love Clause to a D/s Relationship. i listened to it, but did not talk to Maximus about it until after He had listened to it as well. He brought up the pick-axe situation and explained that while He did not like it, He knows it was difficult for me to do and necessary for His health and safety. So, the Tough Love clause was added. And, i used it only once since we talked about it, before this vacation, only because it was really necessary–but it is not something i expect to use very often.

Interaction. While we don’t have formal protocol, i did feel like i needed some guidance on entering His office while He is working. i never know whether He is on a conference call without a muted line, deeply concentrating, or just sitting there! i needed a guideline for entering the room and announcing my presence without interrupting. He first suggested that i just walk in and stand next to Him, but i’ve done that and startled Him when He’s not heard me enter and then scared Him when He looked over, not knowing i was right next to Him! Lightly knocking and waiting for entry works the best for us.

Door opening and position when walking on sidewalks just codified something we’ve always done. While i am submissive and slave-slut, Maximus is a gentleman and cannot and will not undo His mother’s training.

Travel. Again, codifying existing behavior requirements. The clothing requirement caused some run-ins with TSA precheck as many of my heels have steel shanks. TSA precheck allows you to wear shoes during the scanning, but steel shank shoes triggers the alarm and requires an exit, doffing of shoes, and rescan–something that causes delay for me, Maximus, and worst of all, other travelers. Maximus cannot stand it when people delay other travelers and will not condone this of me. Therefore, i need to remove my shoes, even for TSA precheck, to avoid this, and do this without delaying others due to buckles or straps. Once through the scan, i need to quickly don my shoes again without delay. i pride myself of going through TSA and waiting for HIM at the end, ready to go.

Financial. We have several legal documents outlining finances, so it was not necessary to list it all here other than to note those documents apply. Additionally, this codified how i receive funds from Maximus and the fact that we will be working on a monthly budget, something i have requested since i moved in.

Annual Goals. This again is codifying something we already do, but Maximus wants me to be responsible for monitoring them and meeting quarterly to make sure we stay on track, rather than our haphazard review.

Signing the Contract

As is our tradition, we renew our contract when in Hawaii (see Renewed). i don’t think i journaled about our last contract renewal in Hawaii, however.

We have a special beach and tree where we sign our contracts. Our beach is at Kiholo Bay and we sign beneath a kiawe tree, a Hawaiian mesquite. The kiawe first year, the tree was beautiful, leafy. Sadly, the second year, the tree looked very sad and like it might die, which is rare for kiawe trees, known for living up to a thousand years. Well, this year, yes, the tree has died! i was so sad and asked Maximus, “What do You think this means for us?” He replied, “That tree gave its life to us, so that our love and relationship live a thousand years.” Wow.

So we signed our contract under our beloved kiawe tree. Renewed again, for a thousand years…or more.

And we did something special to commemorate this signing, something i won’t be able to share for couple of weeks.

Beautiful kiawe tree under stars. Image from Big Island Traveler.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, Kayla Lords, Loving BDSM Podcast, M/s, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Leave a comment

A Little Lube

Posted on July 12, 2014 by gabriella

Maximus and i got a little off track the last few months. It wasn’t intentional, it just kinda crept up on us due to my illness, inability to have sex for several months, stress of what to do about the future, etc. The D/s component just faded. Sex became really vanilla, no toys, no scenes. And by vanilla, i mean occurred primarily at night when we went to bed or in the morning when we work up and consisted of Maximus rolling over on top of me, putting His cock inside, quickly fucking me, and we were done. i wasn’t aroused, it wasn’t enjoyable, and i even started requesting not to have sex, which i had never done…and is not even allowed in our contract.

But we weren’t following our contract in other aspects either. Our D/s isn’t just about sex, it encompasses all aspects of our life. i was getting very unhappy with this but didn’t know how to bring it up, or really just didn’t want to, i guess…until life made sure we did.

Maximus had been traveling and during a call said He had some things to talk about, something about our swinging sites and something funny. He started in about our swinging sites and i just listened. After about 15 minutes, it was apparent to me that He was dissatisfied with our (lack of) swinging but not coming right out and saying it forthright. i was getting the impression that He was fishing to play separately and i was really concerned that He already had, something that we had agreed not to do and had amended in our contract. i asked Him about this and He replied, “Well, it does say in our contract that I can, so I see no problem in going to [the club] on my own.” Well i was horrified! i knew this was not the case, that it was not in our contract. And furthermore, i was devastated that He had not displayed any interest in playing with me in our pre-hysterectomy manner and now was looking for playmates at the club instead! i had told Him He was free to do that, play separately, but that i was not able to be in a relationship like that–it was His decision. i wasn’t ending the relationship, but i really could not continue like that and was putting the decision in His hands, willingly. i ended up telling Him i needed to get off the phone because i was too upset to talk civilly.

i went to my computer and found our last amended contract (from August 2013!) that struck out the clause about playing separately and found that we’d not finallized or signed it (WTF!) . And i went back through the blog to see when we had discussed not playing separately and what we’d agreed upon, finding it documented in Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms. i re-emailed Him the contract and the link to my journal blog post with some terse words that “if we’re going to talk about the contract, i would appreciate if You’d use the latest version rather than an old one” and that He should refer to our discussion and agreement from August about not playing separate that i’d documented in the blog.

What made me the most upset was that i suddenly felt like i couldn’t trust Him, couldn’t trust that He would remember our conversations and agreements and just go with whatever He felt like doing. i felt He was playing a game, using an old contract as an advantage to get what He wanted instead of going with what we’d agreed upon. And it wasn’t just that we’d agreed upon it, i had taken the wording about playing separately out of our swinging profiles and hidden our individual profiles as He had requested i do after we’d make that decision–i knew He knew we’d made that decision!

Maximus was traveling and i was working and weren’t going to be together alone for over a week to be able to discuss this. What was worse, is that during that week we were going to be together, we’d be with my mother for a family weekend. i just couldn’t tolerate having that hanging over us. So we ended up talking for hours over the phone while i was working the next evening and sorted things out.

He said He was thinking about playing separately and got the contract out to check if that was ok and found, in the contract He had filed, that it was ok. He thought we had agreed otherwise, but couldn’t find any contract stating that and didn’t think about looking through my journal. We agreed that we needed to go through the last amendment, see if we had changes to make, as it seemed there were issues, and agreed to do that the next time we were alone together. He also agreed to not play separately as it was clear we had decided months ago not to do that.

i brought up my concern that He was wanting to swing with others rather than have sex with me. i described my dissatisfaction on how things had been going sexually and we ended up with a very good discussion. He had been worried about hurting me, physically, after my surgery, so sex kind of waned, even when i was released to have intercourse. We’d gone to a swinger party two weeks after my release and it was just too intense for me, which led us to leave the party–this put the brakes on for Him. Me, feeling the brakes, made me feel not sexy or desirable, and the radical change in our sex led to loss of arousal. Self-perpetuating problem. Even while we were in Hawaii, despite bringing all our toys, we still had this vanilla sex, until the last day when i requested He do a scene. i was very aroused and the scene went great, but we reverted back afterward. Maximus understood. i shared it was wonderful to be taken, to have Him roll over and fuck me, and was His right as my Dom; but if this is the only thing we do, it just doesn’t work for me, i don’t feel cherished or appreciated, and don’t get aroused.

i also shared that i would have appreciated if He had initiated a dialogue with me about these issues rather than start in on them and dump them on me all at once. i really did feel dumped on. He said He’d thought about that, but thought it wasn’t necessary, but now realizes it was.

We felt like we’d communicated a lot, i felt trust come back. We had our weekend with my mom and things were okay. The next weekend Maximus came down. i requested He come so we could have some alone time together and work on our contract, reconnect, etc. Soon after we were together, Maximus started sharing about a podcast He’d been listening to on His way down, Communication is Lubrication: Scripts For Your Sex Life, by Sex with Emily. He shared that He’d learned about the importance of lube for women. i stopped Him and asked Him why it took a podcaster talking about this to get Him to realize this when His ex, J, had told Him over and over “spit isn’t lube,” we’ve talked about it, and i’ve requested lube. i felt slighted, again, “why is He not listening to what we talk about?” i thought.

It turned into a battle. He needed to work on work stuff, all day and we only had less than two days together. i didn’t feel like a priority, was disappointed that our weekend to get together to talk and sort things out was going to be taken over by Him working. i said, “You might as well have not come down if You’re just going to work all the first day.” Well this made Him upset that i was “kicking Him out again,” which i wasn’t, i was just making a point that if He didn’t have time to spend than maybe we should’ve found a different time, as i had made time for us. He started packing and we were both angry. Finally i got Him to understand i was not kicking Him out. We agreed to table the discussion for a few hours so He could finish some work and then we would talk.

His work actually only took 30 minutes. And then we sat down and went over the amended contract we’d never finalized months ago. i started reading it aloud, line by line, and lo and behold, all the things we felt needed to be added or changed in the contract were already that way in the amended contract!! It had been so long since we’d gone over the contract together that we’d forgotten what was in there and what our agreements were. It is embarrassing to admit.

During our discussion, we realized that we have a great contract, it says everything we need, we just need to get back to living it. While i would never tell Maximus, because it’s not my place, even though i wanted to tell Him, i need Him to be the Dom, i need Him to continue my training, i need the boundaries enforced if i step out of line. Maximus came to this conclusion on His own when we went through the contract, He said it was quite evident that we’d stopped living the intent of the contract and our D/s. Again, nothing against anyone…i got sick, it made it blurry on how to operate D/s with my illness.

So with a little lube…communication, we’re back on track. We have an excellent contract, we have an excellent D/s relationship. Honestly, we’re not all conflict. i tend to write about it because it’s important for me to do this to digest and move on, and to remember how we got to where we are. There are so many great things, things before, things now, and things in the future. Together we are so amazing!

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, communication, playing together, relationship, Sex with Emily | 1 Comment

Renewed

Posted on May 8, 2013 by gabriella

Maximus and i just returned from our much needed trip to Hawaii. We had a wonderful time! How could you not–it’s Hawaii! And it was first class all the way with Maximus!

Maximus brought a few new toys to play with on our trip: a huge suction cup dildo, nipple vacuum tubes, an enema bag, and a speculum that can be used in the vagina and ass (with cleaning in between, of course!) and we managed to get them though security! One bag got searched by TSA, they left us a little note, but everything was there!

The first order of business was to relax! So off with our clothes and onto the lanai to lounge and enjoy the heat–i with my nipple vacuum tubes in place, of course! These vacuum tubes are amazing and i just love how bit and juicy they make my nipples!

Our days were busy, spent training, and we literally exhausted ourselves and hit the bed early every night, absolutely physically spent. We did play, of course, every day!

As we planned, we renewed our contract during this trip. i had a little (ok, not so little) meltdown the next to the last day because i was disappointed that Maximus and i seemed to have different intentions about the renewal process. i’m not going to go into details, it was painful, but we got things resolved. While the renewal was different than i imagined, it was absolutely spectacular and so us.

Maximus was trying to locate a specific beach that He’d been to briefly once before. We finally found it, Kiholo Bay, accessible by an unmarked bumpy dirt road off the highway. This is a gorgeous black sand beach, dotted with white coral, lapped with warm turquoise blue water.

Maximus dressed in black, i in white, mirroring the elements of this beach. Because a symbol of our agreement was so important to me, Maximus instructed me to find a piece of white coral and He would find a piece of black lava rock that i would later somehow combine to have as a symbol of our commitment to each other. i asked if we could each find two pieces so we could have something at both homes to remind us when we were apart, and He thought that was an excellent idea. The stones and coral we chose are at the top of this post, the large rock, representing the rock Maximus is to me, with my white coral heart resting completely upon it. i could not imagine anything more perfectly symbolic of us than that.

For the signing, we found a lone mesquite (Kiawe, meaning “to sway”) tree on the beach surrounded by black lava rock and white coral. Maximus sat on a rock and i knelt before Him and He asked me to Grow Old Together with Him, which i agreed. We expressed our commitment to each other, signed our contract, and kissed underneath the branches of the tree–Our Tree.

We absolutely fell in love with this beach. As we were driving out, i looked up information on the beach and learned there was a great deal more to explore here, so we vowed to return the next day, our last day on the island. i packed a picnic lunch with a bottle of wine for our last day. We set off exploring the beach and found a lava tube full of fresh spring water to swim in, a blue lagoon full of fish and turtles, and a secluded beach. We spent time at our tree and reveling in each other.

This beach will forever be ours, our special place, a place of renewal, not merely of contracts, but of our hearts and commitment, a healing of misunderstandings and moving on together. And like the Kiawe tree, we will sway together through the soft breezes and heavy storms, calm waters and crashing surf, rooted deeply in a rugged landscape formed of fiery rock and gifts from the ocean.

“I could ask for no better monument over my grave than a good mesquite tree, its roots down deep like those of people who belong to the soil, its hardy branches, leaves and fruit holding memories of the soil. . . .”
— J. Frank Dobie, Texas writer

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub | Leave a comment