It’s No Thing


i had my second session with Fern yesterday. i was just too wiped out last night to write about it (i went immediately from that appointment to have my Mirena IUD removed and replaced with a new one as it had been five years and time to replace it. While the process to remove and replace the IUD was much, much better than the initial placement, it caused cramps and i was just worn out by early evening). I did share the bulk of this with Maximus on the phone last night, but told Him there was a mantra i was working on and would share with Him later when i had a chance to really take time with it.

This session was the first time for Fern to do some in depth investigation into me as the first session was really an introduction of me and the situation. We started with having me “check in” with her about how i was feeling, what things were going on, or if there were any stressors on the periphery that could impact me, my reactions, thought processes, or stress level. i really was feeling great. Maximus and i’d had some really great conversations, which i posted about and more that i didn’t (just general conversations), and i felt really terrific about this. The only stressors on the horizon had to do with Maximus letting me know that The Englishman was going to be coming for the weekend and that he would be busy with him and starting on a huge yard project and therefore probably would not hear from Him a lot, and He didn’t want me to read anything more into it than what it was. i shared that with her because it could be a stressor, but that i have been working on not letting space between communication throw me. Next, she wanted me to commend myself on something, give praise to myself. i shared with her the conversation about how i was feeling when Maximus continued to say, “You can’t do this again,” and how i was proud of myself for doing that and the manner in which i did it. i also praised myself for allowing myself to start to not fear my emotions. Finally, Fern asked me to set my intention for this session, which was simply to get started on the healing process with her.

For the rest of the session, Fern had questions about my relationship with OneGuy, how that started, how i felt in that relationship, etc. i shared about how we met and what was going on in my life with my father’s illness and how i imprinted upon OneGuy and his family, seeing it for something i was losing in my life and not the reality of what it was. As we talked about that and my great relationship with my father and family, my personal drive to succeed and fear of failure, Fern asked me to start naming the players of my self-talk. It was a little difficult for me at first, but i came up with three during the session: Wisdom, History, and Rescuer.

Wisdom. Wisdom is the one who is logical. This player picks up on things going on and looks at them concretely, for what they are. Wisdom doesn’t over-analyze, takes things for what they are. Wisdom looked at my relationships and said, “things aren’t safe, you need to go.” Wisdom looked at me and said, “you are broken and have lost your soul, you need to repair yourself.”

History. History is the one who analyzes and compares the current situation with the past. This player evaluates EVERYTHING and has a mind like a steel trap–nothing escapes History, no word, no nuance, no body movement, NOTHING. History believes there are signs everywhere and looks for patterns, proof of situations repeating themselves. When History hears hoof beats, History assumes there is a horse coming, never a zebra. History is very loud and persuasive.

Rescuer. Rescuer is the one who loves to help people, who is can see others’ issues extremely clearly and also see the root causes and resolutions for them. This player LOVES to be helpful, wields a sword to defend friends and family and strangers. Rescuer is very drawn to people who need help, volunteers to help people before they ask for it.

Fern asked me to speak to her as if i was each of these players individually introducing themselves to her. This was hard for me to do. i did better just talking about them and what they would say. She also wanted me to talk as if each player did not know the others, but for me, they are three friends who get each other in trouble a lot–and, as Fern noted, with the best intentions when they do, it’s not malicious. History is really loud and convincing, usually pushing Wisdom out of the way when Wisdom is quietly saying, “well wait a minute, there’s no proof that is happening this time in this situation…” History means well, does this to protect me from things that hurt in the past. The Rescuer is less of a player now than it was years ago, because Rescuer got me into situations that got me drained, hurt, and taken advantage of, so History and Wisdom won’t allow Rescuer much leeway anymore. Moreover, Rescuer can see very clearly into external situations, but cannot see internally well at all. Rescuer has the ability to make great recommendations to Wisdom and History on how to self-rescue, but Wisdom and History have repressed Rescuer.

Fern has recognized that i am introverted, that is, my source of power is internal. This doesn’t mean that i’m antisocial, quiet, shy, it means that i get recharged by alone time and drained by large groups. It doesn’t mean that i don’t like parties and group situations, it means that after i am in those situation, i take me-time to recharge. Fern wants me to use this time to meditate, empower the strengths of these three players we’ve identified so far. my concern, however, and i shared this with her, is that more often than not, alone time opens up self-talk and overanalyzing that i’ve not been able to squelch. i need to learn how to have the recharge time without the spinning.

So out of this discussion came my assignment for the week. My assignment was to come up with a mantra that i could use to help me stop the spinning, something i could repeat during mediation if I was overanalyzing or feeling triggered. She gave an example of what she uses, something a colleague shared with her, “Life is meaningless.” This phrase does not mean life is hopeless, it is meant to say, lots of things happen that don’t mean anything, there is no reason for something happening other than, it is, and not to analyze it to ascribe meaning more than that.

i want my own mantra. As i drove away after our session, i started to think about this assignment and go through other mantras and phrases i’ve heard. Maximus’ is, “Life is good,” and while a wonderful one, it’s His, not mine. “Life is meaningless” is Fern’s and, well, i actually have a problem with that one as it just seems too encompassing and risky. Then it came to me, and i’ve been rolling it around the past 24 hours, researching it a bit, and have decided to adopt it: “It’s No Thing.” Now, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing–it is something, a concrete thing, a word, a phrase, a nuance, a situation, but it’s not a thing to analyze, it’s just a thing! But also, nothing to analyze.

i’m very happy with this mantra. And interestingly enough, when i did a web search of “It’s No Thing,” i discovered a blog of the Devotees of  guru, Nithyananda Swami, and a particular post, The Biology of Enlightenment, about meditation:

Let’s look inside for just a brief minute….

How long can you keep the mind completelly [sic] silent?

If you try to stop thinking it just starts right back up again.

Words, verbalizations, thoughts, thinking and emotionalism are completely automatic.

You can’t stop it by controlling it, but you can (eventually) stop it by non-judgementally watching it.

The brain works completely by it self.

It has nothing to do with “you” doing it.

This means that you are not the doer of deeds nor the thinker of thoughts.

The mind/body is an “it”, not a “me”.

The brain’s thoughts and body’s reactions are just the result of cells doing work.

We are not the physical body/mind and its senses.

We are not the mind and it’s automatic rambling thoughts.

We are the still, conceptless, silent Awareness that is aware of them.

We are the Awareness that is watching the body/mind’s automatic functioning.

We are the Silent Formless Observer.

We are the Life/Consciousness/Awareness that is simply aware of Itself as existing.

We have mistakenly identified ourselves as being the physical mind/body.

It was an erroneous belief all along.

The real “you”, the Silent Aware Mind, is not confined to a brain, or anything else.

It’s infinitely Everything beyond physicality.

It’s the formless Allness of Existence.

It’s No-Thing, yet Infinitely Everything.

But thinking about that won’t help you realize and experience that.

Only meditation can help us get there.

How amazing is that?

i do believe in the the law of attraction, that we attract people, experiences, by negative or positive thought. These past ten days proves it to me yet again, that i have been attracting the things i need, as by fate, Fern, with her supporting history, my mantra for meditation, developed in my mind for me, aligning with a spiritual guru’s guide for meditation. i feel i am traveling in the right direction, attracting the things i need and will support me in my healing. This is not a negative path, this is a positive one, one of growth out of my past experiences.

And really, Life is Good! It has been, i’ve just let my past cloud it.

No more. It was just a thing, my past, and It’s No Thing. This love, this connection, this life with Maximus…It’s a Real Thing, a Lasting Thing, a Great Thing.

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A Gift to gabriella

i received a beautiful gift this morning, a poem from another blogger:

Time to Grow

feel the sun or is it shame

in the end it’s me to blame

trivial past I can’t let win

take this life and give it a spin

blinders off I see it all

hopefully tomorrow I will not fall

broken reverse its forward I go

no stopping now I have to grow

~ by Tim Zauto

Thank you so much for the poem.




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Game Over


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Get Here


i am waiting for Maximus to arrive home from His business trip, and of course i’m impatient to see Him. He texted from the plane…

Maximus: On the plane now

me: Come home come home come home!

Maximus: The Englishman getting to you? [The Englishman is staying over as well, returning from a business trip]

me: No! i miss You!

Maximus: Great. I like that. Kisses.

…and then He was off!

But then texted again an hour later…

Maximus: New plane. Computer issue, heading back to gate.

me: Oh no!

He’s on His way again, just landed at His intermediate stop, but they left a little over 2 hours late, so He’ll miss His connecting flight.

The song, Get Here, by Brenda Russell and then covered by Oleta Adams is running over and over in my head…

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Age is Just a Number

bday candles

Last week was Maximus’ birthday. i’ve not blogged about this before, as i didn’t think it was an issue, and i still don’t, but i’ve never mentioned that my Dom, my love, my Maximus is 21-1/2 years older than me. i am 41 and He is now 63. i have no problem with this, and neither does He, but this new age must have triggered something in Maximus as He brought it up and asked me to blog about it.

i understand i am biased, but Maximus does NOT look or act His age. i don’t believe any of our friends would guess that He was more than 55 based on His body, His health, His stamina, His sexual prowess, His youthful attitude, etc. i’ve never, ever felt an age difference between us, even when we were just friends, and certainly not now. Maximus is certainly the sexiest man i’ve ever had, with an amazing fit body. Although He often says, “it takes a village” to wear me out sexually, i don’t feel that way. Our sexual encounters, whether just the two of us alone or in a group, have more stamina than most twenty year olds. People talk about how perfectly matched we are in this regard and often marvel about our endurance.

meetsoonerThe only thing that ever crosses my mind is the reality that some day 21-1/2 years will make me 88 and Him 110. We both have longevity in our families, but odds are we will not be 110 and 132, and this makes me sad. i don’t like to talk about this. It’s not that i don’t want to take care of Him then, i absolutely do, i just don’t want to think about being without Him. We both know that we had to travel our paths, have our experiences in order to come together in our lives, i just wish it had been sooner so we had even more time to GOT, Grow Old Together.

i know this crosses His mind as well. i think He worries about sexual performance in addition, and this NEVER even crosses my mind. Our relationship is so much more than sexual. But i understand that He is a man and men worry about this. This has been on Maximus’ mind a lot recently as He had His annual PSA test, something that brings some anxiety for Him given He’s had some scares with previous test results that required painful biopsies in order to determine he was cancer-free. Maximus has expressed fear of sexual dysfunction with prostate cancer treatment, should He ever have prostate cancer.

i love Maximus. i feel so lucky to have Him in my life, albeit later in our lives than we would like. But, we wouldn’t have worked earlier, for we had things to learn in order to be ready for each other. And anyway, He’s not 110 for another 47 years, so really, i have another lifetime with Him. And i love that!


Note Maximus left in my bed last week

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i was reflecting on the events of this past week and was trying to put a finger on how i feel about my behavior, my reactions.  i am not proud of myself, have a great deal of remorse, and really feel, well…naked. Not the good naked, where you love the skin you’re in, prance around, check yourself out in the mirror, run your hands over your body, or present yourself confidently to someone, but that ashamed, trying unsuccessfully to cover yourself with a washcloth, please don’t look at me and all my flaws, expelled from the Garden of Eden, self-conscious nakedness. It’s having the dark, ugly parts of your soul revealed, trying to shove it back into the space it resided, wishing no one had seen these nether regions–but they did. The tape plays it over like an echo inside your head days later.

i feel more naked in front of Maximus now, 150 miles away, than i ever have; more naked than being tied spread-eagle on His bed, more naked than bound and gagged and blindfolded by Him, more naked than taking my clothes off in front of a group of friends and strangers. i’m comfortable in my skin. i’m uncomfortable in my loss of emotional control. Uncovered. It makes me awkward, tripping over myself to make it all right, over-analytical. i’m impatient for the embarrassment of being seen naked to resolve. Wanting the effects of time, distance, and shielding to lend their protective qualities, much like they lessen the effects of exposure to radioactive materials. And they will.

So i will work on not replaying the tape, quieting the echo. Take solace in the fact that Maximus did not expel me from the Garden of His love, that He loves me despite my ugly nakedness, and helps me learn from this event. i have to be patient as He, too, recovers from what He saw and experienced.

i will be patient,

i will be patient,


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This will probably make you laugh, but i’m finally watching Swingtown. i know it was on tv years ago, but i didn’t watch it, don’t have cable, and really didn’t even know about it. i saw it on Netflix recently and the first disc came today. As i chuckled at Bruce and Susan’s foray into swinging, i realized that i’d never blogged about how i got started in this lifestyle. Great topic idea, i thought!

my story goes back further than just my initiation into swinging, as there are some things in my past that led me down this path. Without those things, i would probably have never gotten into this lifestyle.

During my first marriage i had an affair with a woman. She was an acquaintance through work and we had instant chemistry the moment we met. i had an inkling she was lesbian, but that wasn’t the attraction, she was just someone i connected well with. i was unhappy in my marriage, my husband and i were not connecting, and as we were working different schedules, i had a lot of time available to spend with my friend. One evening, i kissed her, and we became lovers. Most of my free time was spent with her, we even traveled together, my husband not suspecting a thing. She was a lesbian, not bisexual, in fact, she was totally adverse to penises or sex with men. She wanted me to leave my husband and have a committed relationship with her, but i was not able to do that. i was not ready for the social ramifications of that and, quite frankly, while i was not having sex with my husband at the time (he had lost all interest in sex), i knew i really enjoyed sex with men as well as women and couldn’t deny myself that. It was a horrible breakup for both of us, one of the hardest in my life, and i truly loved her. i never told my first husband about this affair as i knew it would destroy him, and still would, if he ever found out.

i eventually divorced this husband and had several sexual affairs with men. After a bit, i met my second husband. i had decided that i did not like that i had been dishonest in my first marriage and divulged my lesbian affair–i never wanted to be dishonest with a partner again. i was fearful that my truth would scare ex #2 away, but it didn’t, it excited him! He shared that he and his ex-wife had “fuck friends,” another couple that they played around with, and really enjoyed that. i had a million questions about that, didn’t understand it at first, but, a threesome had always been a secret fantasy of mine. i truly enjoyed having sex with a woman and this seemed like a way to continue that honestly.

We didn’t jump into swinging immediately. We talked about it throughout the year we dated and the year we were first married. Close to our first anniversary, i discovered that he had been perusing swinger sites, which bothered me, although it did not appear that he had met with anyone. i decided that i didn’t want him to have a sexual affair (note, our sex life was fantastic, so that wasn’t an issue) and suggested to him that maybe we should try a swinger’s site out (i never divulged that i had discovered his secret). We set up a profile and had our first swingers’ date with another couple on our first wedding anniversary!

Our first date was phenomenal! i had no idea what to expect, and neither did my husband. We met this couple at a great pub, had drinks and dinner, hit it off well, and they asked if we wanted to go back to their place to play. So we did! And it was awesome! We were hooked. We went on more dates, started going to a local swingers club, and connected with a group that i still play with today–the group where i, in fact, met Maximus. We never played separately, that i’m aware of, but i have a feeling that i am incorrect in that statement! Our swinging did not break us up, in fact, it was the strongest part of our relationship, but it couldn’t hold us together.

It was a great journey. i never met other swingers the way Bruce and Susan did. If we did, they certainly did not divulge their lifestyle. i do know that i am much like Trina now, that i love to be edgy and provocative with vanilla to see what bites, but really not as forthright or assertive with them as she was when she had Susan over for their Fourth of July party. Part of the reason is that i really do not like to teach people how to be swingers and hate the risk of drama from someone or couples freaking out about the lifestyle in the middle of things. And, i like to keep my privacy about my lifestyle and separate my kink from my vanilla friends.

But i’m never going back to vanilla! i moved to Swingtown and am  never moving away!

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i broke up with Maximus today.

It was my choice, not my preference.

i feel i had no other choice, feel badgered.

He does not agree.

It started Thursday on my way up to see Him. He called to tell me about His plans for His evening after i arrived. His plans were to spend the evening eating pizza and drinking wine at Swimmer Guy’s house. Just them. i was to hang out at His place.

Nice. Not.

This trip has been planned for months. i’ve taken vacation, arranged my schedule. And now, with a sick grandmother, am making arrangements to come home immediately should the situation decline and she pass away. It’s been a priority. And now, it is apparent to me that i was not.

“Can i come with You?”…pregnant pause. “Uh, well, it’s just that Swimmer Guy wants to talk.”

He already has plans to swim with him in the morning, go to brunch, and take him to the airport; all of which was planned and i was totally fine with. This is not planned and happens right after i’m set to arrive there. i feel like i’ve been slapped in the face.

i stop to visit my grandmother and can’t figure out why i’m even going up now. i text:

Would You prefer that i not come up until Saturday evening so You can do all the things You want to do? i can go home after the race. Feel like i’m encroaching on Your things. i just need a place to stay the night before so i don’t have to drive up so early race day.

He responds, “No, keep to the plan and you aren’t. I NEED you.”

I continued up. Enroute, we talk. i explained how i felt about these changes and how it feels rude to make plans for me to come up and then make new plans that don’t include me. He has changed plans with Swimmer Guy; canceled dinner that night and will just have tomorrow’s plans. i still sting about His initial decision and feel disregarded.

That night, Maximus gets a text and reads it aloud, like He often does. It’s from Swimmer Guy saying, Hey, if your business dinner gets over early come over, even if it’s late.

Business Dinner?? Maximus has made an excuse that He can’t go because of a last minute business dinner. i’m reeling. He can’t tell His best friend the truth, can’t tell him about me? We’ve been together six months, i’ve met Swimmer Guy eight months ago, we’re serious, and He can’t tell him about me? i let it go, it’s not worth arguing about. my heart hurts, though.

Soonafter, Maximus tells me He has been invited to Ms. W’s up on the mountain. She is now in the middle of her divorce and He at the end of His. Their exes are not amicable with either of them and things are really quite contentious. i can’t believe He’s considering going up there, to a town with 100 people, in JB’s backyard, flaunting Himself, risking destroying any agreement they have and risking her opening up new disputes out of anger–she’s already gone postal as it is. He asks my opionion and i share that i think it’s foolish. i am shocked that this is coming up again, that He’s willing to risk the finality of His divorce for this. i let it go, it’s not worth arguing about. my head and heart hurt.

Upstairs, i find my boudoir portfolio upside down. Upside Down, the pictures are displayed upside down. This is a man who get OCD about couch pillows…He wouldn’t miss an upside down picture. It appears to be put on the nightstand in a hurry for my arrival, not noticed it was upside down. i can’t NOT say something about this. He says it must be from dusting and then argues that He prefers it upside down…which is it? Dusting or preference? This doesn’t make any sense to me. i let it go, my soul is aching.

We spent time together and had a good time despite the nagging things from the first night. i put them away, not worth the fight.


We’d finished playing an intense scene with our friends Mountain Man and Sunflower, where i was tied, blindfolded, headphones playing music, for hours. It took some time to get me back to reality and we were down in the kitchen visiting and sipping wine when i got a phone call that my grandmother had died. Awful.

Maximus kept asking me what i wanted Him to do, over and over. i don’t know what i want Him to do. i don’t know. i don’t know! i don’t know what i want me to do. i want Him to just hold me and tell me it’ll be ok. He wants me to tell Him if He should cancel His work trip to California. i don’t know! i can’t make that decision for Him, i don’t know His work rules. i tell Him that over and over and i’m getting more and more frustrated. i can’t get Him to understand that i just want Him to do what He wants to do to support me. i won’t tell Him what to do about work. If He wants to cancel His trip and be with me, great. If He can’t, great. You tell me what you can do. i can’t make that decision for You and certainly not right now, five minutes after the phone call.

Mountain Man and Sunflower get ready to leave and mention LeLe’s upcoming party. Maximus told me He wasn’t going as He wouldn’t be getting back from California until late, late that night. Mountain Man and Sunflower tell Maximus how excited they are to hear from LeLe that He’s coming to the party. Wow.

All i want to do is leave. Get out of there. Now. i start picking up toys. Mountain Man and Sunflower have left and i tell Maximus i’m leaving as soon as i’m packed.

i feel like a ghost!

Maximus wanted to tell His family and friends about me in November, before His divorce mediation and i insisted that was not a good idea as it could interfere with the process and make things very horrible. i suggested we wait until the divorce was final.

In December, they agreed to the terms of the divorce and signed paperwork, or what i thought was divorce paperwork. i asked, “So now you just have to wait the 90 day waiting period and it’s final?”

“No,” He replied, “no waiting period necessary as the process took longer than the 90 days from date of separation and involved the court system.”

So i think His divorce is final. i find out later i’m wrong. i think He is waiting to share His news about me to His friends and family until the holidays are done, as not to take away from that. Then, i think we are waiting until after the birth of His grandson in February as not to take away from the birth. But then i learn, after that, that His divorce is NOT final…that JB still has not signed the final documents–they only signed that they agreed on the terms of the mediation. She’s refused to sign the divorce documents. i feel duped. i feel deceived. i feel like i’ve been led on.

i can’t take any more. i am destroyed. i am frustrated. i am ANGRY.

i don’t feel i’ve been told the truth. i feel like i’m a convenience. i feel foolish. i’ve been thinking He was excited about me, wanted to share about me as i have done with Him. He insists it’s only days away from being signed, that i’m overreacting and we’ve agreed. But here are the problems i have:

  • i feel i was made to believe the divorce papers had been signed.
  • i thought we were waiting on holidays and events to pass and then i found out different
  • He has insisted that He’s not sharing about me because He doesn’t want to mess up the final paperwork yet He will gladly go to Ms. W’s and flaunt themselves in the same small town as JB and Covert Ops, which has way more risk of damaging the process than i ever would have.
  • He insists it’s days away, so what’s the big deal in sharing about me to Swimmer Guy on his two day visit before He returns home to Europe? He lied about me to him. He couldn’t even say He had someone staying with Him.
  • He was ambiguous to His brother when He talked to Him about supporting “a friend” at a race during the event. His brother has been trying to get Him to date, even suggesting online dating services. 

We argue all night. i drive home in the morning exhausted. After a huge battle, He cancels His work trip and comes down the next evening and stays until the day after the funeral.

We argue again the night before He leaves. We are not communicating well at all. When He leaves, He can hardly even wait for my mother and me to exit the garage to back out and drive away. i’m horribly embarrassed and my mom’s reaction to that. i want to die right there on the driveway.

He calls that evening to share His epiphany, that He never wants anyone to yell at Him ever again. i’m so irritated because He presents it as an ultimatim, that He’s got no responsibility in frustrating me to the point of anger and not letting me take a break when i need it to avoid yelling.

We make it through the conversation with some breaks. At the end, He tells me He feels great about us and asks how i feel. i feel like i’m on unsteady feet. i don’t really feel great.

He also lets me know that He’s got two playdates set up now. One with Ms. W and she’s staying the night and another with LeLe, who is going to a divorce as well. And then He goes to bed.

i laid in bed and realized that i felt hurt that He ran home so quickly and set up play- and overnight fuck dates. i think that’s insensitive. i texted Him that i feel uncomfortable about that and think the timing’s bad. i text but don’t hear back as He’s asleep now.

i drove to work in the morning, didn’t hear from Him at all. On the drive i felt huge waves of anxiety, a weight on me. i can’t take this anymore. i decided i needed to leave Maximus, that His refusal to share me in His whole life is unacceptable to me, that His insistence about needing to be divorced to do that, despite His willingness to flaunt His relationship with Ms. W in front of His ex-wife is in complete opposition. He can flaunt her and risk His divorce, but not share me with His family and friends which has no risk of damaging his divorce. 

He texted good morning and that He just saw my texts. Didn’t say anything about the content, just that He missed them during the night. i had to ask if He’d even read the content. And then i advised Him i was done, that if He was going to hold me to needing Him to be divorced to be shared in His life, then i could no longer be in a relationship with Him. It was wholly inappropriate for that rule to be applied so unilaterally, that it was ok to have a relationship and not be divorced, but not to share about me. i feel illegitimate.

And He let me go. No fight. So we’re done.

i need someone who cannot contain their joy about our relationship, that can’t wait to share about it to friends and family, to include me in their life FULLY. i’ve done that for Maximus. i need that. i’ve asked for that. Sharing about me to His friend and family at this point has no risk to damage His divorce.

Instead He’s fucking Ms. W, which has all the sense of placing an open candle on a stack of dry straw. It’s not that He’s fucking Ms. W that angers me, but that He cannot see how that behavior risks everything, that it risks His divorce, which pisses off His ex and prolongs this divorce and prevents it from being over so i can be part of His life fully. He cannot see how that flies in my face, that He’s applying rules differently. It’s perfectly acceptable to risk His divorce by flaunting her, a huge risk, but not to share me privately with close friends and family who only want Him to be happy and would never tell JB that He has a relationship–i find that asinine. He refuses to see how He’s breaking my heart and soul by lying about me, hiding me. It’s acceptable to Him to lose me and this relationship that He said was the love of His life.


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Behind the Curtain

The man behind the curtain really is important! We MUST pay attention to the man behind the curtain.

Maximus and i really did have an amazing week. i think in many ways, we learned more about each other and ourselves in this week than we’ve learned in the past several months–and that’s saying a lot!

i flew up to see Him instead of driving. Wow if that wasn’t a treat! Maximus flew in from His business trip about two hours after i arrived. The original plan was to be in a bar in the airport waiting for Him and have a role play where He would approach me and pick me up–and He had to be successful! Unfortunately, all the bars in the airport closed at 10PM, so no scene!

We spent the first part of the week at His house. We slept, fucked, swam, shopped, decorated His house, cooked, ate, lounged, talked and talked and talked. It was absolutely wonderful! We did have some kink play, which i’ll blog about separately, but we just spent time TOGETHER, which is what we both needed so desperately. We did some planning for upcoming vacations together, including a trip to Hawaii in April. We also met a dear friend of His, PoodleS, for brunch, and i just loved her! As we were walked to our table, PoodleS nudged Maximus and asked, “Daughter?” which catapaulted Him into a fit of giggles and huge smile that never left His face that whole day and all the days after.

Everything was complete bliss until our last morning at Maximus’. i woke up edgy, concerned about several things, including my plan to work on His iPhone on our trip down to my house. I was going to use the time on the road to install some apps and do some configurations on His phone for His GoPro camera and a calendar program and knew i just wasn’t going to be able to do that without going through His texts–it bothered me. In fact, i got out of the pool very early into our swim workout, prompting Maximus to leave the pool and holler into the women’s locker room to check on me, which made me feel embarrassed rather than loved (He was concerned about my welfare, having never left the pool early before. It was out of pure love and i didn’t appreciate how caring it was.)

In the car i did go through His texts and ended up getting upset. Maximus had mentioned earlier in the week, when i brought up that i felt He was very distanced, that He was so exhausted that He wasn’t even talking to Ms. W. Text messages showed otherwise. In addition, it also showed that after He was telling me goodnight each night, that He was too tired to stay up, that He spent time texting her. This upset me a lot. It felt like He had not been honest when He said He wasn’t talking to her and i didn’t like that she was the last person He was talking to each night. This made me cry. He hadn’t realized He’d been doing that, didn’t understand my feelings about it initially.

During our discussion, Maximus accidentally divulged that His biggest fear was that i was going to leave Him and that He would be old and alone the rest of His life, would die and no one would come to His funeral. This shocked me, because i was not leaving Him, was just discussing something that was bothering me, and that my concern was that He would die when i was away from Him and that i’d never know, no one would notify me. We both had the same fear, of the other person leaving. This was behind both of our curtains, never meant for the other to see.

Maximus asked if i would consider going to counseling together. i agreed wholeheartedly. i have always thought that if someone asked another person to go to couples counseling they should absolutely agree to do it. It takes a lot of courage to ask a partner to go to counseling and shows a huge willingness to work together on the relationship–how could you ever refuse someone that? It’s not that we’re having problems, it’s that we both have a history of failed relationships, with two divorces each, and we want to give our lives together every chance to succeed. Shouldn’t you go to couples counseling at the beginning of a relationship and learn how to best interact with each other instead of at the end when you are at each others throats and have damaged each other to the point of splitting up?

We had a lot of discussion about conflict. Maximus does not like conflict, i do not mind conflict, as long as it is constructive and not damaging. i would much rather communicate about issues rather than hold them in and pretend everything is fine, just to have them build up and explode later. He does understand this, and does appreciate the outcome, it’s just not a process that He’s completely comfortable with. Interestingly, it’s new for Him, this level of communication in a relationship. i think counseling will help us do this better.

The resolution was great! That night i shared with Maximus that i felt uncomfortable about how i have dealt with His phone, that i feel i have been disrespectful in how i have gone about looking at His texts. He has given me carte blanche access to His email and phone, but i think going through His email or phone behind His back or under false pretenses without asking for permission is disrespectful to Him. He did not think it had been disrespectful, but understood that i felt this way and would have me ask Him on a case by case basis to see His email or phone if i had concerns. i also shared with Him some OCD history of mine which has made full access unbearable to me and how not having His new email password (changed from a recent potential hack) has been a complete relief. He was very shocked at my confession and appreciated knowing.

We spent the last night tromping around town, window shopping and browsing a very ecclectic area, holding hands, giggling, adoring each other. We talked and talked as we wandered. Maximus asked for my thoughts on some of His future contingencies and i started to wonder about how i fit into them. i actually started to realize that i really didn’t have a clear vision of our future together, how He saw us and how we’d be together then. We settled into a wonderful bourbon bar we’d discovered on our last forray into town and i asked Him about His vision of us. It was an amazing, surprising conversation for me. And, He was surprised that i didn’t know the vision. He didn’t want to tell me at first, because His feelings for me are equivalent to being at that step in a traditional relationship where you want to marry someone–which is something we have discussed not wanting to do again, and our families are behind us on that as well. We were in the middle of this wonderful discussion when friends of mine surprizingly appeared and we joined them at a table together.

After a wonderful evening with friends, we headed back to the car, Maximus tipsy on flights of bourbon, and we started our discussion back up where we left off, both anxious to discuss it more. The discussion started well but when nearly home, in the middle of talking about us and our future, Maximus started talking about Ms. W out of the blue. i was crushed and in absolute disbelief. Suddenly Maximus stopped and said, “Why am i talking about Ms. W now?” and i replied, “i don’t know and i can’t answer that for You, but You do that all the time, every time we talk about us You bring her up.” It was devastating for me. He kept asking why and it made me angry. i told Him to stop talking and that our conversation about our future was over for the night–He needed to answer His own question before we could ever talk about this again. He tried to keep talking and i finally exploded, “It’s just completely insensitive when you bring her up all the time. IT’S FUCKING RUDE!” He blurted out, “That’s it, I’ve figured it out, that’s the answer! I’ve had an epiphany!” And it made me more upset because it was not the answer, it was merely the effect His actions had on me. He kept telling me it was the answer to His question. i told Him to stop talking to me and we drove the last five minutes home in silence, my heart shattered.

When we got into the house i turned to Him, “i have two things to say. First, You need to go to counseling and figure out why you can’t talk about us without talking about Ms. W. Second, i’m not running away, but we cannot have a discussion about our future until you figure out the answer to number one.” He then explained that His epiphany was that in His desire to be completely transparent about how He did not love Ms. W and that i was His sole, primary relationship, He’d constantly brought Ms. W up to remind me that His relationship with her was not at all a threat. He’d not realized how hurtful this has been to me, how it has contributed to my complete misunderstanding of their relationship and jealousy, and was utterly and completely rude. And then He exclaimed how happy and joyous He was about discovering that–i on the other hand was completely devastated. He recognized that in the process of His discovery i got completely burned. i’d never felt so crushed.

Maximus crawled into bed and begged me to come hold Him. i was upset because i wanted to be the one held, thought i deserved that. But i decided that i really just needed to love Maximus and went to Him and held Him. Before He drifted off to sleep, Maximus said, “you’ll never find anyone as good as Me, who loves you like I do,” and this just hurt me. i told Him not to say anything like that, that was what men say when they leave a relationship, a slap, not a nice thing. He apologized, not realizing it was hurtful. He fell asleep but i could not. i got up and sat on the stairs to think. After a bit i went down to eat some leftovers from dinner when suddenly Maximus burst down in a panic, having woken from a fit of anxiety, not knowing where He was and finding me gone, His worst fear.

He returned to bed and i followed shortly after. He asked me to hold Him and i simply requested that He hold me this time. He held me and we slept.

The next morning was difficult. i still felt crushed while Maximus felt relieved by figuring this out. He acknowledged that my burn wound was still hurting and would take some time to heal. He thanked me for incurring my injury to save Him, understanding that i hurt for it.

i was exhausted. i had more to talk about, had done some thinking during the night and realized that i needed something from Maximus. When Maximus gave me GOT, it was a gift, that we would Grow Old Together. But, it has made me feel a little bit like a foregone conclusion, an assumption. Not that i was running away or would say no, but i really wanted Maximus to ask me to spend the rest of my life with Him, and not as a marriage proposal, but as partners together in our lives. The statement in bed that night really made me realize that. i don’t want it to be assumed that i won’t find anyone better, i want it to be my choice that i go with Him, that He chose me and i chose Him, not an assumption for either of us. It took a bit of explaining as i was tired and not articulating well, but He understood. He assured me that He has had this planned, that i am not an assumption, that there will be a time and a place and He will ask.

and i will say yes. i’m not running.

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i shouldn’t feel drained, i should feel excited, but i’m drained. The last few weeks have taken more out of me than i realized, i guess. i had the mediation week with Maximus, learned of the death of a college friend, and then my grandmother got extremely ill and we’ve put her under hospice care. With that, Maximus’ work has ramped up and he’s been pounded with workforce reduction planning, reviews, and travel. We’re both drained. We’ve not found ourselves simultaneously in low energy before and i’m not handling it gracefully.

We’re still learning about each other. i’ve never seen energy-drained Maximus before, and it’s through distance, so i’m not getting the whole picture. i only see changes in communication and then try to understand my feelings in response to the changes. my weakness is in automatically thinking that something’s wrong with our relationship and that we’re in trouble. Phone calls and Skype sessions have been shorter, Maximus has been multitasking during them, which makes me feel like i don’t have His attention and that i’m interrupting Him. There’ve been fewer text messages and His responses are short, “Thanks,” “Cool,” “Nice,” “OK” rather than answers. So i started to evaluate everything through that lens, that something’s wrong and i’m bothering Him.

We started to talk on the phone last night after i posted Two Days, and during it, He mentioned that He was going to be busy working while i was there, which really put me off. i was at work and really couldn’t talk about this, especially since i could feel myself getting emotional about it and really didn’t need that at work, so we ended the call. i emailed and we texted about it, and Maximus assured me that what i was feeling was His low energy, the lowest He’s ever been, and then decided, from our conversation, that He really needed a break for the night, that He was exhausted and it was effecting both of us. i felt bad, “Distracted You from Your plans tonight, i’m sorry,” i wrote.

Maximus replied, “No. This is exactly what I needed. Picked up 5%. Sunlight from you baby.”

i woke up even more drained, especially after an emotional work situation that night. i just couldn’t shake my feeling. Maximus responded with love and pics to pick me up, but wasn’t working. i emailed Him:

Here are things that make me feel the space between us. Yes, i am all around you. All the things i’ve given you were from my heart, made or selected just for you. Most of which, i know, are hidden away when i leave and come out of drawers so they look like they are always there when i arrive [Maximus and i are waiting to be open to His family about our relationship until after the final paperwork is done for His divorce, which should be within the next month or so. Therefore, my pictures are put up when His family arrives, for now.]. i don’t have things to surround myself with.
The majority of the time we’ve spent together has been when i’ve come up there. Yes, You’ve come down a few times, all but once was because there was a party to attend at M and S’s. This time you have a meeting here. i feel like you need some other reason to come down here, not just to see me or spend time together.  A month ago you suggested coming down for three weeks…when i brought that up last time, You rescinded that, acted like it was the biggest imposition for me to ask—i DIDN’T ASK, You said You wanted to do this. Now You have no interest in it.
We’ve talked about phone and Skype calls…they’re abrupt.
Texts have gotten very clipped. Most of the replies i get from you are “Thanks” “cool” “nice” “ok”. i feel like a moron for sending a text in the first place when i get responses like that.
i’ve traded a shift, taken a vacation day, turned down overtime, purchased a plane ticket to come see you the end of this week and weekend. You, on the other hand, will be working.
These don’t make me feel special. i feel like a fool. i feel like i’m wasting our time.
i feel Your interest lies elsewhere. i don’t exactly know where that is, but You found it sometime in the last few weeks.

Ok, so that’s my point of view. He called on His way to the airport. Maximus was very patient with me. i had to read the email to Him as He was driving. He recognizes that i have been affected by His low energy, and because i have brought this to His attention the last two days, He’s taken steps to rest and take care of Himself to build His energy back up. He was very cheerful and happy during our phone call, despite me being down. Unfortunately, i’ve taken His low energy very personally. We talked about the issues and how things have been situational and not how they are going to be forever.

“you inspire Me to be better,” He texted when He got on the plane.

“i’m glad. i feel drained,” i replied.

“I know. My job to recharge you.”

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