It has been an amazing summer! i have sooo much to talk about! Stay tuned for my adventures at Caliente, in Virginia, Portland, San Francisco, Folsom Street, and MORE!
It has been an amazing summer! i have sooo much to talk about! Stay tuned for my adventures at Caliente, in Virginia, Portland, San Francisco, Folsom Street, and MORE!
i’ve been away from journaling for a while as i’ve been consumed with springtime at the new house. Maximus gave me permission to take a break as i needed the time to focus on building and establishing our new garden and all the work it takes to whip a half acre into shape!
i have a huge amount to talk about as life and kinky life didn’t stop, just my journaling. i hope to get back into my daily posting, as much as possible. There will be another break next week while we head into the woods for camping with family and thus will be off the grid.
But i’m back bitches!
i have so many things to write about, but this week just got away from me.
First of all, Maximus and i have been sick with upper respiratory stuff after our trip to Desire. It has just worn me out. Maximus has coughed so much that His jaw started snapping whenever He opened His mouth, which was both annoying and painful, prompting a trip to the dentist for an evaluation. He’s now on “jaw rest,” meaning that He’s not supposed to open His mouth very wide, cut down on talking (yah, right, for anyone who’s met Him), eat soft foods/soups, take NSAIDs, and ice His jaw. He has a followup appointment tomorrow. i really want His jaw to heal…for many reasons!
We were scheduled to get back onto our Monday training days this past Monday, but i ended up taking a nap and when i woke up, i was too groggy and Maximus’ jaw hurt too much for us to concentrate on it. We ended up just doing Happy Half and not training. He’d even planned for a scene afterward, but we had to curtail that as well. We ended up doing the training session and a scene Tuesday, which i will detail in another post.
We had vanilla house guests Wednesday and Thursday, so there was no time for writing. Maximus praised me on being such a great host, which i really appreciated.
Thursday night we went to a munch! And that will be another post. Especially about the discussion we had on the ride home.
Friday we drove down to spend a weekend with family and saw a family member in The Addams Family musical. Believe it or not, there’s a post in there too! Who knew Morticia has words of wisdom for D/s relationships!?!
And i still have thoughts and discussions to document in between, before, and after!
So this post is a little boring in that it is a reminder for me of all the things i need to post. And i’m still with family until Tuesday, so it will be a few days before i can start in on all this.
Oh! And then i need to talk about the architect and future dungeon plans!!
There’s just so much to share!
Until next time!
i had another session with Fern yesterday and it went really well.
On my way to my visit, Maximus called from His business trip in California so He could share with me where He was at in our healing process. His intention was to share that with me, but to let me know what to share with Fern about His progress. Maximus is healing and feeling like we are making some forward progress, like the train is starting to move forward on the tracks, taking on fuel, building up steam, and starting to accelerate. He now feels confident that i am working on my issues and doesn’t feel at risk for my raging at Him like He had even just a few days ago. He praised me for the work i’ve been doing and what i’ve been sharing with Him.
Fern and i started with me sharing with her the breakthrough that Maximus and i had when going over the couples intake form together for her. She was very, very pleased with this and glad that we have been communicating so well and coming to a better understanding, using what we have been sharing and truly listening to each other. i also shared that i was going up to Maximus’ in a week, something that was a big change from just a few days ago, and illustrated a big step for us.
She then shared with me the types of rage that i have been having:
Survival Rage. This is triggered by basic needs not being or feared not being met and leads to a fight or flight response. It is related to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. In my case, my basic fears are loss of self, loss of freedom/feeling trapped, being taken advantage of.
Impotence Rage. This is raging out of a feeling of helplessness, feeling powerless to effect changes.
Abandonment Rage. Triggers for abandonment are related to a fear of losing an important relationship.
Shame Rage. This includes the triggers of feeling disrespected, unheard, embarrassed, or ashamed.
It was interesting to have her share these with me as i had come to the same conclusion about my triggers and identified Abandonment and Shame Rage as types of rage i have been experiencing. i had not read about Survival or Impotence Rage, but i had sort of lumped those things into Abandonment and Shame. She acknowledged that i had done a great deal of work discovering these triggers in evaluating my raging and felt i have come a long, long way in my progress already because of that.
She asked me how i felt in my progress and what things i felt i needed help in. i shared with her that i felt very good about acknowledging the fact that i had unresolved issues from my second marriage and that those things triggered raging behavior in me now. i have done a really good job in not letting the communication break between Maximus and me trigger me into raging behavior, something that would have been an issue before. In fact, it was one of the things Maximus praised me for, as i’d not raged when He needed space and not raged the night before when He was having cell phone connectivity issues that prevented Him from calling me (in the past, i would have been infuriated about that and assumed that He was using that as an excuse not to talk). So in those areas, i feel very good. The one area that we haven’t encountered again since my last rage and now have to do with my reactions related to Ms. W and as that has been such a strong trigger, i was very nervous about it and really wanted to develop techniques for dealing with them to avoid undoing the progress i and we have made.
Fern asked me to define our relationship, whether it was poly or something else. i shared with her that we are not poly but emotionally-monogamous, only able to love one other person, but sexually-nonmonogamous. i explained what that meant and how we had worked very hard to define that early on in our relationship. We then talked about how Ms. W fit into that, any agreements we had about their relationship, and how i felt about it.
After this discussion, Fern asked me about boundaries, how i felt about my boundaries. i shared with her, as i had last session, my problem with keeping boundaries in relationships (see the excerpt from Eat Pray Love in this post about my boundary issues). my problem in past relationships is that i have always dissolved into the other person and lost my self, my soul. i gave up my friends, family, hobbies, and absorbed theirs, championed their interests by totally immersing myself in them. This caused a lot of damage to me, to my ego, and was illustrated by friends and family saying, “Yeah, gabriella’s back!” when i had split with those partners and rediscovered myself. This was a big part as to why i was so afraid of having another relationship again, but, being that Maximus lived hours away, was my fan and championed my interests, i felt i might be able to keep my boundaries and not lose my self in this relationship.
This was an important discussion for us to have, because i had realized this week that while a lot of the raging was about past hurt and irrational, there were some bits of truth in the rage, hidden in the irrationality, which had to do with my fear of losing control of my boundaries. Fern was glad to hear me say that, that it was important for me to understand that while there is a lot of past involved in my rage, there are things, albeit small things, in this relationship that triggered those past feelings; and it would be important to include Maximus in this discussion because it deals with how we relate and how we can best communicate these things. For this, Fern will be using Imago therapy that focuses on communicating needs, wants, fears, desires, etc without shaming, blaming, or criticizing. My homework for this week will be to write down things that i feel imbalanced about or concern me about my boundaries so Maximus and i can discuss these in our couples session with her. And we will be doing this session in a week via Skype with Fern when i am up with Maximus.
Another bit of homework this week will have to do with some writing to create new neural pathways for me. In this assignment, i will be writing a dialogue between History and Wisdom, the personifications of my sources of self-talk. The dialogue will start with History asking Wisdom for help. The most interesting part of this is that when i do this writing, i will be doing this with pen and paper and use my non-dominant hand when i write History’s dialogue and my dominant hand when i write Wisdom’s dialogue. i think this is fascinating! And it makes sense to me. When i was struggling to learn how to breathe bilaterally during swimming, someone suggested that while i was doing this i should brush my teeth, use eating utensils, etc with my non-dominant hand as to help train my brain to do things on my non-dominant side. It helped! In this case, this will empower Wisdom to become more dominant than History, reducing the high level of counsel History currently has. Interestingly, when i shared this with Maximus, He totally accepted this as well as He had used this technique in college water polo. i will work on this dialogue this week.
Maximus and i talked for hours about this session–it was great! i was a little concerned about sharing about this session as it dealt with boundaries and Ms. W and needing to have guided communication about concerns and imbalances i have felt about her and in our relationship. i didn’t want Him to feel defensive about this. And, i didn’t want to do too much communication about this without the guided technique as we have worked on communicating on these things throughout our relationship and not resolved them, so i didn’t want to continue an old pattern and perhaps upset each other. However, Maximus did want to talk about this, and i was honest and told Him about my fear of talking about it early. It was a great conversation, though. Maximus was sharing His confusion about why i had no issues with Z-Baby who was very clearly in love with Him and had no qualms about making it known but huge insecurity about Ms. W, who he felt had no love interest in Him whatsoever. My response was simple and is the same response i have always shared with Him, “Because Z-Baby was nice to me and i felt Ms. W has always treated me horribly. Ms. W’s behavior has always made me feel that she was trying very hard to make it known she didn’t like me and was trying to block me, physically from You.” i explained the examples, how Z-Baby and i were friends, did things together with and without Him, talked and texted, whereas Ms. W. was dishonest to me, woudn’t look at me or talk directly to me if He was present, put me down, clung to Him in my presence. This made me feel there was something to be fearful of. And this time, Maximus heard me. This will be very important for our discussion next week.
Later, Maximus and i were talking about the discussion that Dan and dawn had on their latest Erotic Awakening podcast about Slave Journals. i shared that Dan prefers written journals to electronic ones and we discussed our preference to having mine online. i shared with Maximus that i felt that we would not be as far as we are in this healing process if i’d not had this online journal, and He agreed completely. i went on and said i didn’t think we’d be together today without it, and He strongly disagreed with that, saying that He would not have abandoned me, that we would have still been communicating, but that we wouldn’t be nearly as far in the healing process without it. As we are in a distance relationship, an online forum works best for us, He can access my journal any time, any place–if my journal was on paper, He’d only get to see it when we were together, and we need to share about my journaling more frequently than that allows. He did go on to say that some times it is painful for Him to read some of my posts, not often, but occasionally, as in the instance of the post about my recent nightmare. This was the first time He’d mentioned anything about this, so i asked Him to explain. For Him, this nightmare was just so vivid, as my posts always paint pictures and tell our story, and it pained Him to read about Him leaving abruptly and permanently. Just as it was difficult for me to determine when i first awoke whether it was a nightmare or reality, reading about it gave Him pause as He struggled with the feelings those images evoked in Him.
So another great session, some more work to do, healing happening, toxins dissipating, communication flourishing.
To end, i thought i’d share a video i saw this week. What an illustration of Blue and 8, how Maximus and i describethe differences how men and women often differ in communication needs between problem-solving (logic) and empathy (feeling) (see more explanation in this post). Maximus and i both got a kick out of this!
As i noted in Abandonment Rage, i will be journaling about my progress, pitfalls, and wins. At this point, i will be doing a journal entry every day to go over my feelings, struggles, lessons learned, counseling sessions, etc. of that day.
i have finished the book, Rage, having gone through it line by line, chapter by chapter, several times, and written about what i have learned from it. i am thankful to have found this book–i’m sure there are others out there, but this was what i needed at this time to get started. i intend on printing out my journal pages and taking them to my counselor when i go, perhaps even send them to her prior to our first meeting, should she be interested in that, so that we can discuss my situation, what i’ve learned, and her impressions of those.
Physically, i’ve lost five pounds. Normally i’d be happy about that, but i know it’s because i’ve not been eating. At times my stomach has been so upset that i cannot get food into my mouth, even after i’ve spent time to prepare something healthy. i have eaten at work, but small amounts, as i know i need to have some food to function in my job. i do know that i do need to eat, not only because i need the nourishment, but because low blood sugar situations initiate hormone responses, and fluxuations can lead to emotional imbalance, and i need all the help i can get to keep my emotions in check. Last night, after i’d made a beautiful salad for dinner, i found i couldn’t eat it because i started worrying about not hearing from Maximus in hours (it was only less than two hours when i figured it out, i’d thought my nap had been much longer), so to remedy that, i called a friend and took my dinner to her house and ate with her, which worked very well!
i talked to Maximus on my way home from my friends, for just a few minutes because He was exhausted and in bed. He sounded exhausted. i told myself not to take it personally that He didn’t want to talk long.
i finally slept well last night. Some of the sleep deprivation has been work-related, a necessary evil of my occupation, but the majority has been tossing and turning, mind-reeling, thinking about what has happened, worrying about what is or will happen. i’ve never used sleep aids, and will continue not to use them, as i don’t need anything in my system that alters my chemistry right now.
i also masterbated for the first time since the incident yesterday, which is a long time for me. i’ve been at work a lot, so obviously not going to do that there, but when i was home, i just didn’t like myself very much, so pleasuring myself was not palatable. i masterbated three times, used that as a sleep aid, actually, and each time envisioned Maximus making love to me, enjoying me, the two of us happy and entwined and together. This was a beautiful vision to have, full of beautiful self-talk and self-loving.
The dramatic decrease in communication between Maximus and me has been the most difficult part of this. We text, email, and talk all day, generally, and we are texting and talking only a couple of times a day now. This is so palpable. It’s often hours and hours between a text to Him and a reply. i feel myself become anxious about it and start to worry what that means. But, i apply the lessons i have learned from Rage, breathe, give Him the benefit of the doubt that He’s hurting, healing, and probably busy to keep His mind off this, and remember the little reassurances that i’ve had from Him. Sure enough, all those things are true–imagine that! i’ve taken several baths to relax too.
i have been concerned that perhaps my open journal to Maximus might make Him feel barraged as every post sends an automatic email to Him–Friday had three posts alone. We talked today and i asked Him about that and discovered quite a bit from Him. He has been reading my posts, says that they have been very insightful and have been acting as a sort of antidote to the poisoning He has felt from my rage. He does not feel barraged and would like me to continue my journaling in this forum that He can see. i let Him know that this would be a daily thing for a while and will show ups and downs, and He understood and reiterated His support for me doing this. i did make a joke, and checked with Him to see if it would be ok for me to do that, which was that the last two times He’s mentioned being poisoned all i’ve wanted to do was to ask if i could suck the poison out! He chuckled and said that was actually really quite desirable and was very insightful to hear from me! He also went on that He’d not lost interest to tie me up and fuck me, etc., although He was a bit fearful that the flogging might be a bit more forceful than it should be. i was so relieved to hear Him say that, as i had kind of assumed that He lost interest in me sexually over this, mostly because i know i, myself had lost interest in it (an illustration of shame response, figuring i was no longer sexy or desirable). i told Him i really desired to have Him flog me and a little more forceful flogging actually sounded good to me. He said He was a bit fearful of losing control and flogging too hard out of being upset, not wanting to do that, and added, “It will leave marks.” To which i replied, “Well i left my marks on you already,” which He concurred. It felt so good to have this discussion. And His voice sounded more back to normal today on the phone too. Little things.
i also worked out today. i swam 3000 meters, working on stroke improvements, and did take a few momentary breaks when my concentration lapsed. It was good to have the technique adjustments to work on to keep my mind focused on something else. And i ran 3.25 miles on the treadmill too. Both great things.
This afternoon was a lot more like normal in that Maximus texted quite a bit. He was out shopping and saw the shirt in the photo at the top of the post: Blame it on my Wild Heart. It’s so good to be able to have a piece of our humor back again! Baby steps.
It’s been a good day.
i recently came across The Submissive Guide, a website for mentoring submissives. This site has a lot of great information, including articles, videos, and book reviews, but i discovered something great on the site–submissive Journal prompts. Sometimes i lack for topics to journal about and oftentimes i don’t know what i don’t know, so these prompts are great to get me thinking about things.
i signed up to get journal prompts delivered via email and the first batch came in yesterday. i decided to start with this first prompt:
“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” – a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.
i thought this was a very excellent topic, and timely for me. Relationship fears are something i struggle with, despite frequent reassurance from Maximus. i’ve not been very successful in marriage, having been divorced twice, and i carry fear of relationship failure around with me like i’m dragging an anchor. This anchor of fear does two things, first, it causes me to have a sense of disbelief that i am in a wonderful relationship with Maximus, and second, it causes me to yank on the anchor chain to test that it’s still there dragging behind me.
Maximus is truly the most amazing man i’ve ever been with. He is everything that i would ever desire in a partner, and more. i’m not saying this to butter Him up, but truly, He is kind, confident, honest, intelligent, accomplished, generous, humorous, fit, social, adventurous, communicative, sexy and sexual, trusting, etc., etc., etc. He is my biggest fan and i’ve not ever had that before in a partner. i am so proud to be with Him, to be associated with Him, and never ever believed i would find that in my life. i had pretty much resolved that i was done with committed relationships after my second divorce and just planned to have casual, sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Maximus changed that for me and i will be forever grateful that He did.
But i find myself with disbelief that i could find someone so wonderful, that finds me wonderful. i sometimes think it’s just a matter of time before He realizes i’m not what He needs or wants and ends the relationship. i’ve thought both of my marriages were “the one” and i was wrong–why would this be so different? i wait for the other shoe to drop.
Yanking the Chain
From this disbelief, i find myself acting out sometimes, testing my theory of disbelief. It’s not deliberate, mind you, but something i look back upon and see in hindsight and embarrassment. i push buttons, make assumptions, look for signs taken out of context proving my fear. And i hate that. It’s miserable for both of us when that happens.
And He’s still here. Not everyone would be.
A Shame to Remain So
What this quote means to me? It means i need to stop dragging this anchor of disbelief. It’s time to pull it up and sail freely and go where the wind takes us. It is shameful for me to wrap this chain around our relationship, restricting it and risking pulling it underwater to drown. It’s shameful to yank on the chain to test an anchor that doesn’t need to be set or dragged.
my anchor should be us, Maximus and me together. my safe, my strength, my truth, not my fear.
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