submissive journal prompts

Safe, Sound, Protected from Demons

dragonslayer

Today’s post is a response to another submissive journal prompt from Submissive Guide.

I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon. – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

i love this quote! There are so many facets to it. i am going to break it down into each part and then also talk about it as a whole.

 

i am Your servant

Well isn’t this the core of being a submissive in a D/s relationship–serving? It is for me, at least. i get immense joy from serving Maximus, in all ways, not just sexually. It brings me great pleasure to do things for Him, support Him, care for Him. And it gives Him great pleasure as well, so i am actually pleased twice, pleased by the act and pleased by His response. Sexually, i absolutely adore being at His whim, letting Him use my body for His pleasure, performing acts that excite Him. It takes me to a state of bliss that i cannot describe, not necessarily subspace, but bliss, shear happiness and joy. Seeing His pleasure, hearing His ecstasy is a thrill beyond comparison.

Those outside of the BDSM realm, particularly other women, would probably be appalled at my submissive desire, my willingness and choice to be a servant to Maximus. But this is a conscious choice, not anything i have been forced or coerced into. We didn’t start our relationship as D/s, it wasn’t what brought us together, it was something we evolved into when we showed our authentic selves to each other. No one had ever seen through my tough exterior to see my truth, and i never allowed anyone to see it so fully before. And while i serve Him, i have not lost my soul, have not lost my self–this would devastate Maximus. i am still strong, still have my self.

Servitude something i need. Every other aspect of my life requires me to be dominant, i need this submission to stay in balance. i know this. My recent few weeks have illustrated this once again, as i act out and get emotionally imbalanced without this release.

i shall not be free

For me, this is not about a loss of freedom, this is about being bound. i recently broke up with Maximus, for a part of a day, mind you, and through that discovered that i cannot be free of Him. i broke up due to what i thought was a matter of principle, and while it really was, i just could not be broken apart from Him, despite that. The principle is a temporary thing, out of our hands and not worth the price of being broken from Maximus. As in Venus in Fur, we are “handcuffed at the heart,” and cannot be freed from those binds. This is the basis of GOT, that we are Growing Old Together. i cannot be free from Maximus–we are a part of each other and we carry each others hearts in our hearts (see i carry Your heart).

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me.

As my Dom, Maximus is my ultimate protector. He knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, my Achilles heels, and uses that knowledge not to sabotage me, but to protect me from them. i can trust Him completely in any situation or position because i know the object of His heart and soul is not to damage me, but to help me grow, push my limits, reach new heights, and discover things i would never have found on my own or without Him. My hard limits have changed, as well as my soft limits, and that’s all through the power of His protection and trust.

Beyond keeping me safe from my vulnerabilities, He also keeps me safe in any situation. i don’t walk on the street side of the sidewalk when i am with Maximus, He does, to protect me from traffic. We’ve changed workout plans based on my safety, not swimming in choppy Lake Sammamish which did not present a hazard to Him but caused Him concern for me. He’s made sure i’ve not driven home in the dark or when emotional. And beyond the physical dangers, He buffets emotional ones as well, as in the case of not attending the beach party where my ex-husband’s fuck friends would be attending, and, the more difficult, waiting until His divorce is completely final before coming out in the open about our relationship.

You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon

This is so true. There are times i just want to crawl into Maximus and melt, have Him hold me while i cry, to soothe me and restore a sense of sanity. More often than not, the demon is within me; the tapes i play in my head and the insecurities that go with them. That sounds so severe, but usually, its a matter of recharging, getting energy from Him. And it’s aftercare as well. i can go to the edges, i can go to subspace and get lost because Maximus will restore me, kiss my tears.

 

i love how succinctly these words sum up our entire contract. my place is to serve Maximus with my heart and soul, body and mind and receive His gifts of protection and safety. This is something i want to carry with me in those times i am feeling stressed and insecure, a mantra of sorts, to remind me of our goal–a lifetime together.

handcuffed hearts

 

 

Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide, Venus in Fur | Leave a comment

Fear

fear2

i recently came across The Submissive Guide, a website for mentoring submissives.  This site has a lot of great information, including articles, videos, and book reviews, but i discovered something great on the site–submissive Journal prompts. Sometimes i lack for topics to journal about and oftentimes i don’t know what i don’t know, so these prompts are great to get me thinking about things.

i signed up to get journal prompts delivered via email and the first batch came in yesterday. i decided to start with this first prompt:

“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” – a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.

i thought this was a very excellent topic, and timely for me. Relationship fears are something i struggle with, despite frequent reassurance from Maximus. i’ve not been very successful in marriage, having been divorced twice, and i carry fear of relationship failure around with me like i’m dragging an anchor. This anchor of fear does two things, first, it causes me to have a sense of disbelief that i am in a wonderful relationship with Maximus, and second, it causes me to yank on the anchor chain to test that it’s still there dragging behind me.

Disbelief

Maximus is truly the most amazing man i’ve ever been with. He is everything that i would ever desire in a partner, and more. i’m not saying this to butter Him up, but truly, He is kind, confident, honest, intelligent, accomplished, generous, humorous, fit, social, adventurous, communicative, sexy and sexual, trusting, etc., etc., etc. He is my biggest fan and i’ve not ever had that before in a partner. i am so proud to be with Him, to be associated with Him, and never ever believed i would find that in my life. i had pretty much resolved that i was done with committed relationships after my second divorce and just planned to have casual, sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Maximus changed that for me and i will be forever grateful that He did.

But i find myself with disbelief that i could find someone so wonderful, that finds me wonderful. i sometimes think it’s just a matter of time before He realizes i’m not what He needs or wants and ends the relationship. i’ve thought both of my marriages were “the one” and i was wrong–why would this be so different? i wait for the other shoe to drop.

Yanking the Chain

chainFrom this disbelief, i find myself acting out sometimes, testing my theory of disbelief. It’s not deliberate, mind you, but something i look back upon and see in hindsight and embarrassment. i push buttons, make assumptions, look for signs taken out of context proving my fear. And i hate that. It’s miserable for both of us when that happens.

And He’s still here. Not everyone would be.

A Shame to Remain So

What this quote means to me? It means i need to stop dragging this anchor of disbelief. It’s time to pull it up and sail freely and go where the wind takes us. It is shameful for me to wrap this chain around our relationship, restricting it and risking pulling it underwater to drown. It’s shameful to yank on the chain to test an anchor that doesn’t need to be set or dragged.

my anchor should be us, Maximus and me together.  my safe, my strength, my truth, not my fear.

anchor

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, fear, submissive, submissive journal, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide | Leave a comment

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