relationship

Priorities, What’s the Conflict, and Leaps

priorities

i think it’s safe to say that the Imago dialogue has been one of the best tools for our relationship. While we’re not perfect at it, stumble through it most of the time, it has given us a framework to be heard and takes the volatility out of communicating our misunderstandings. This week we had a disconnect on communication and scheduling. i really started to feel i was not a priority to Maximus. And really, right now, it is hard to write this blog in much detail because it has been so diffused by our dialogue that it feels like a non-issue!

The crux of the issue were behaviors that made me feel that i was not a priority, not that i wasn’t a priority to Maximus–there is a huge difference there. But, as perception is reality, my feelings were MY reality. i shared my feelings about this with Maximus via text, but He was viewing this through His lens, His world, and responded by telling me all the reasons i’d not heard from Him, all the reasons our plans had been rescheduled. i could see that He was not considering my feelings and, in fact, i prompted Him to take some time to consider how it might be helpful for Him to mirror and validate and have some empathy about how i might be feeling rather than giving me a list of reasons that felt like He was invalidating what i felt, thus confirming my feeling of not unimportance. We were at an impasse, texting was not working, so the discussion was stopped until He would arrive the next day and we could do Imago.

Interestingly enough, by the morning, Maximus texted, “In reflecting upon yesterday I would like to profoundly apologize to you. I will work harder to better communicate to you regardless of the events that are surrounding Me at the time. you’re in My thoughts every moment of the day but I need to work harder at communicating that to you. Again, I apologize from the deepest part of My heart. I love you and I can’t wait to see you very soon.” i was still hurting and knew that texting or talking on the phone while He was driving down would not be effective, so i let Him know that i needed to wait until He arrived at my home to talk about this.

We went through the Imago dialogue process and it really helped Maximus understand how i was feeling. And it gave me a chance to feel heard, without blaming or critcizing Him. This seemed to help Maximus consider how He was prioritizing all areas of His life, Relationship, Family, Work, and Fitness, and realize that this was occurring in all four areas of His life, not just with me. We discussed strategies to help both of us.

This could have been a horrifically volatile event. But it wasn’t. Were there tears? Yes. Was there raging? No. Was there understanding? Absolutely. Is there carry-over resentment? Absolutely NOT! It’s so well communicated that i’m having trouble blogging about it now!

What’s the Conflict?

question marks

Once we are able to dialogue about issues, Maximus and i can move on without underlying static. It really is remarkable. i don’t feel there is any unfinished business, no unheard issues.  This allows us to really be able to talk and share later, without grudges on old business, days later.

Last night, in a change of plans, Maximus and i decided to go out for happy hour and dinner. We ended up staying for hours, talking and talking and talking about us, how counseling was going, how the framework of Imago dialogue was helping. And we had some epiphanies, two in particular.

The first epiphany was about how Maximus and i define conflict. And it was really akin to Bill Clinton’s response during grand jury “It depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.” Maximus was explaining that He visioned our relationship completely free of conflict–happy. This seemed completely unrealistic to me. As we sat at the bar, i decided to use an analogy to explain to Maximus how i felt having an expectation of a conflict-free relationship set us up for extreme failure. My analogy was about work, that overall, when He considers work, He finds it fulfilling, enjoyable, challenging, and that He really, really loves what He does. However, there are times when it is aggravating, frustrating, there are disagreements with others, conflict, and issues need to be dealt with, but that does not change the overall feeling that He loves His work. He did agree with that, but noted, “but there’s no conflict there.” This confused me, because i had just described a linear timeline of years of his work relationship with lots of little conflicts over the years that were dealt with but did not diminish His love for His job. i ran my finger along the bar in a timeline, showing a linear relationship of time with little stops of conflict all along, but that this did not divert from a feeling of happiness and satisfaction at the arrowhead at the end that was still moving forward through time. Maximus pointed about 3/4 through the line and said, “But there’s no conflict there,” and i pointed all along the line and said, “There was conflict here and here and here but it was dealt with.” And then we realized…i define conflict as a disconnect, something that requires an intervention of some sort to deal with a misunderstanding, a clarification, whatever, to prevent a catastrophic event; Maximus defines conflict as a fight, a rage, something damaging and huge, the catastrophic event!

whats the conflictWhat an amazing revelation! And how important is that? i’ve been thinking Maximus is unrealistically expecting a relationship free of misunderstanding, when He is describing a relationship free of damaging fighting. We completely agree on our relationship vision, we just define the words differently! He did not view disconnects or misunderstandings as conflicts, as i did–of course!

Leaps

leap

The final epiphany had to do with my communication needs. Maximus had been considering His communication style, in light of our dialogue the previous morning, in regards to me understanding the commitment in GOT. He shared that He thought He finally realized why i had trouble with this, something He felt was so clear and strong. He shared with me that He just couldn’t understand why i would have the question, “Why did You choose me?” when it was so obvious to Him. But that He is realizing now, that the question, “Why did You choose me?” was not questioning His decision to choose me, but that it was a request for validation, for Him to share what things led Him to choose me! This was a leap in thought for Him!

And this was clear to me! i started to giggle actually, because this became completely clear to me two weeks ago when we did the couples intake forms for Fern! i realized, when Maximus answered the question about what made Him fall in love with me, that we’d never discussed that before, and it made me cry to hear Him answer it. i know i’m great, a great catch, i just wanted to have that validated from Maximus.

We are back on track and better than before. We have developed techniques to enhance our communication and to deal with the occasional misunderstanding/conflict in order to avoid catastrophic conflicts. And we both feel we are ready now to have guided communication with Fern about the elephant in the room–Ms. W. The groundwork is done, the framework established, and we are ready to move forward.

Categories: balance, communication, conflict, counseling, Imago, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

What i’m Reading

reading

i love to read! i bought a Kindle with airline mile points about a year ago and love the convenience of getting books without having to drive to a bookstore or library. i can get a book at 3AM if i want! And it will suggest other books you might like, books i otherwise might not have known about. It’s not uncommon for me to read several books a day on my Kindle, or Kindle app on my iPhone or laptop.

What i’ve been reading:

Sex, Stories and Power Exchange by Dan and dawn Williams

sex stories and power exchangei started reading this on the plane ride back from our trip to Las Vegas. Maximus and i really, really enjoy Dan and dawn’s podcast, Erotic Awakening, and found their other book, Living M/s, to be very insightful and a great guide for us. This book is not so much a guide on total power exchange relationships as a collection of scenes. Dan and dawn include their discussion points at the end of each chapter, as they do in Living M/s, so there are caveats and lessons learned, etc from them in regards to scenes and M/s relationships.

Before i had the raging episode, i loaded this book on Maximus’ iPhone and He started reading it as well. i was, and still am, interested in discussing the scenes in the book and find out what interests both of us. i think it will be enlightening!

Women: The Ownership Manual by Logan Alexander

womenThis book was very interesting as it is a guide for men looking to establish D/s relationships. For me, it helped reaffirm the reasons i flourish in a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship: being protected in all circumstances and all times, being guided, a feeling of completeness allowing me to do anything for the right man, being uniquely desired, etc. The fascinating thing for me was that while reading it, i realized the points the author was making for male readers to understand and implement in fostering this type of relationship were all things that came, or seemed to come, naturally to Maximus.

Each chapter has case studies of D/s relationships and how they employed the concepts presented in that section. What i appreciated was the range of application presented, from subtle to extreme, recognizing that each relationship seeks its own level and aren’t cookie-cutter images.

Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon

leading and supportiveWhat i enjoyed about Lyon’s book was that it focused on the psychology of D/s relationships, not as a relationship as a whole, but on the level of personal dynamics of the Dominant (leading partner) and the submissive (supportive partner) and how they interact and are naturally attracted to each other. i really loved how the author addressed equality and control in the relationship, recognizing that both partners have equality and control in the relationship, something that many people do not understand when looking at D/s, M/s, or TPE relationships from the outside. And i appreciated how he found that many submissive (supportive) partners are leaders, major decision-makers in their professional lives and are so relieved to come home to a partner who can make decisions in their home and personal lives, melting into that and truly relaxing.

i found the information on the attributes of each partner, on what they need from the other person, to be extremely enlightening. And it helped confirm how my previous relationships were just not a good match for me. It was amazing to read this and then go over the conversations i’d had with Maximus about this topic and see how much of it matched up. And it was the same for the things He had shared with me.

These books were all different from one another, each dealing with a different aspect of BDSM, D/s, and kink. While there were parts that i didn’t need in all of them, there were parts that were very helpful and enlightening. i think it is important to be educated and informed, be open to all opinions and potential aspects to this type of lifestyle in order to both formulate and support your personal relationship. For some, this can be a great way to affirm they are ok, not deviant. For others, it can be a way to help decide what direction they want to take their relationship. Each book provided a kernel of knowledge that was reaffirming, thought-provoking, and helpful, and a great conduit to initiate important conversations with my partner.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dan and dawn, Erotic Awakening, M/s, relationship, relationship needs, Total Power Exchange | 1 Comment

Our First Six Months…Oh How We’ve Grown!

Mg

i can’t believe it’s been six months already! A couple of weeks ago i pulled up our contract to get ready to review it before Maximus and i were going to be together, which is our ritual, and i noticed that our contract was set to expire April 30th, our six month D/s anniversary. i was so surprised by this! i texted Maximus about it and ended with, “i’d like to continue the contract” and He replied, “So would I.” Whew! And then suggested that we renew our contract on the beach when we are in Hawaii this upcoming week. i am delighted in this!

i went through our contract and made revisions to reflect where we are now. i was surprised to see quite a few areas where we have grown and changed, especially in our BDSM Activities List–things that were hard limits were not hard limits anymore, in fact, many of them were much desired activities now.

Maximus called me from His business trip to go over the revisions and we went through the contract together. He had texted earlier that He had “lots of feedback” on the revisions–yikes! It turned out ok and we had some great discussion about the contract and our relationship, where we started, where we’ve been, what we need to work on.

The first revision we made was to eliminate my termination clause. Okay, okay, i know you just yelled at your computer, “What the hell is she thinking?!?!!!” Remember, our contract, our D/s relationship grew out of our Big R Relationship, is built on love and the principle of GOT. We have a commitment to each other that is beyond this contract, therefore, a clause to end our relationship is contradictory to our commitment. The second revision was to eliminate Maximus’ termination clause. Our commitment to each other is such that we will work through problems and issues and not terminate our relationship. Our contract is always available for revision and should parts of our D/s relationship change, our contract will change to reflect this, but the Relationship will remain intact.

We had quite a bit of discussion about the next clause:

…the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

Maximus asked if that meant if He did not want a conversation to continue or if He wanted me to stop behaving in a certain manner whether He could instruct me to stop…and i said, “Yes, absolutely. You’ve always had that authority, but You’ve rarely used it.” There have been times where He has asked me to stop a direction of discussion that was not fruitful, in the case of disagreements, and there have been times where He has instructed me not to drive home, instructed me to stay, etc. and i’ve always complied. i mentioned it would be helpful for Him to use this clause when i get worried and anxious about relationship issues and want to flee.

Next, we decided to change the term of our contract to 12 months rather than six. We decided on the first six month time limit because this was new and we didn’t know what to expect from it. Now that we know more about ourselves, our relationship, D/s, Power Exchange relationships, we are both comfortable and desire a longer term to our contract. Our intention is to make our Hawaii trip an annual event for us to renew our commitment to and contract with each other.

We laughed at the next revision! Our contract originally stated that time between [being physically together] shall not extend greater than one month’s time. We both laughed because we know that we cannot have more than a couple of weeks between time together without going absolutely crazy, therefore it was not necessary to have that in our contract. This was put into our contract because we’d had a five-week absence from each other in August, before our relationship moved from friendship to committed Relationship, and it was completely unbearable–it really helped us realize our feelings for each other, but we NEVER wanted to go through that long of an absence ever again. Now that it’s impossible for either of us to be apart for that long, it’s not necessary to have in the contract–it’s a given.

The next clause that was removed had to do with travel arrangements. It was very difficult for me to accept Maximus’ desire to pay for my travel expenses, use frequent flyer/guest points, etc. to comp accommodations. i have learned that it gives Him great pleasure to take care of these things. Maximus does not balk when i do special things for Him and i needed to learn not to balk when He does special things for me–and i have. In addition, Maximus has learned to accept that He is with someone who wants to contribute, has the means to contribute, and finds it important to contribute–He’s never had that before in a relationship. We removed language that required discussion of travel expenses and my acceptance of the use of His travel program points–this has been a big step for both of us in our growth and Maximus was very pleased with this.

i was very shocked at the clause that Maximus was most concerned about, something that never bothered Him before in all the times we reviewed our contract:

The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

He noted that He was very shocked that this was in our contract, that i would give such power to Him. Wow! This totally blew me away! To me, this is the basis of a D/s relationship and to remove this was to remove the very foundation of our Total Power Exchange. He was very concerned that it gave Him too much power and requested that i remove it. He was not concerned that He would abuse His power, but that He was surprised that someone would so willingly put themselves at risk for abuse of power. i explained to Him that yes, it did give Him complete power and that i gave it to Him out of complete and absolute trust. i trusted that He would use this power responsibly and not abuse it, and that was my ultimate gift to Him. He agreed to leave this in our contract after our discussion and my explanation. It was very interesting to me that this clause triggered Him so–i never would have expected that after these past six months of operating within these parameters of our existing contract. i very much appreciated His concern and candor about something so fundamental to our relationship. It was very worthy of discussion and really reinforced my commitment to our power exchange relationship

Our next discussion was about our communication rules. We both freely admit that we need to do better in this area and follow the terms of our contract that were written specifically to aid in conflict resolution. Our contract reads, in part:

Both parties agree to work through disagreements rather than dissolve this agreement. Disputes or disagreements shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time during disputes or disagreements. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication.

If communication fails completely, both parties can take the discussion “To The Locker Room.” The Dominant and the submissive agree that this should be the last alternative and only to be used in the rarest of occasions, if at all.

Unfortunately, while we have all this beautiful language, we have occasionally raised our voices and yelled, failed to begin and end with I/i love Y/you, failed to cue each other with safewords to indicate frustration levels, and have held heated arguments on the court rather than taking it to the Locker Room. Honestly, it was a relief to hear Maximus say that He too had failed to observe our contractual agreements in this area, as i have been feeling very guilty about my communication failures. We have promised each other to be more cognizant of this and to follow our contract in order to keep our communication respectful and productive, the way it has intended to work.

Finally came the fun stuff–my BDSM Activities List! We laughed and giggled throughout this section as our boundaries have so clearly moved outward this past six months. Our level of trust has increased exponentially, allowing us both to share our deepest, darkest secret desires and experience things we only dreamed of but never shared with anyone before. And with this sharing of desires, we have been able to make many of these dreams come true. We have no fear in sharing our desires, and this is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And it’s not because of the BDSM Activities List that this came about, it’s because of the frank discussions we’ve had in building our Relationship, developing our contract, communicating, and learning about ourselves and each other. Its through building of ultimate trust.

So our contract has been agreed upon and is ready for us to sign. We will be taking this with us to Hawaii and share our own personal commitment ceremony together on the beach to renew our contract and bond. Maximus has made some requests for things to be included in this ceremony and i have asked to re-present His ring to Him as part of my commitment to Him. i am just in awe of this extraordinary thing we have.

GOT 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, lifestyle, Living M/s, M/s, relationship, submissive | 1 Comment

Whooped

whooped

i am emotionally whooped, exhausted, spent. Have had too many emotional events in the past couple of weeks. What i really need is to crawl into Maximus’ arms and have Him hold onto me. Three days, and i can. For now, i have texts, which help.

How are you today? Need to make sure you are in a better place. Emotionally speaking.

Yesterday’s blog post was emotional, but i got over that. It was important to discuss and is something i need to do, dropping or pulling up my anchor on my fear. But soon after that, i had something that knocked me over.

Maximus and i have had plans to go on a beach trip to the Oregon coast with several friends in the swinging lifestyle. This is a group of friends that have been together for years and is the group Maximus and i met each other through. These are some of my best friends and we’ve been wanting to do a beach trip for a long time. We’ve juggled our schedules, house is rented, weather is going to be fantastic, and we’ll all set with our giant Nebuchadnezzar bottle of wine to celebrate the occasion.

There are two couples coming who we’d not met before. Yesterday one of them sent an introduction and included their profile names in two lifestyle websites. Maximus sent them a note in one of the accounts and we got a friend request back. i went in and suddenly realized, when i saw one of their pictures, that they are best fuck friends with my ex-husband, One Guy, and his new girlfriend. i suddenly got sick to my stomach. i texted Maximus

Oh no oh no oh no! That couple of Slim and Marilyn’s are best couple fuck friends with One Guy and his girlfriend!

Maximus was extremely supportive. He just could not imagine going to an event where His exes best fuck friends were going to be as well. There’s no way we could be ourselves, feeling like everything was going to be reported back. It would be miserable. Neither of us wants information going back to our exes. In addition, having sex with them was out of the question, it would feel like a huge betrayal to us, like fucking our exes.

So we decided to back out of the party. i got a hold of Slim and Marilyn and explained the situation. They did not realize the connection and felt bad about it, but totally understood. They wanted to uninvite the other couple, but i declined that, it seemed rude to me. i asked them not to tell this couple why we were not coming, but Maximus agreed to share this with our close friends who usually host the parties so we don’t have to have encounters with this couple again.

This rocked me hard. i’m just irritated that my ex, who i’ve not been together with for almost three years, is messing up plans with my best friends. And i just didn’t have the capacity right now for this. This was going to be an escape, a time to relax with friends.

Maximus and i will spend much needed time together though, which we need, which i need. i don’t mean to diminish that. He is the thing i need the most. We will play, work on painting our new dungeon room, go out for a special dinner that i’ve wanted to take Him out at, and we’re going to KinkFest, our first ever BDSM convention. We’ve been totally looking forward to that.

Last night i realized that our contract was set to expire at the end of April. How has six months gone so quickly? i was going through the last amended version and our BDSM Activities List and realize just how much we’ve grown, how much we’ve experienced, and how our boundaries have expanded. i am truly grateful for us. i mentioned the expiration to Maximus and that i’d like to continue the contract. He said He would like to as well. And added that we should sign in Hawaii when we go there in three weeks. i love this idea. A beach, with Maximus, and our continued commitment.

But first, three days, then i get my energy boost. Don’t they call the apparatus that you set cordless rechargeable phones into charging cradles? That’s what i need, Maximus, my charging cradle.

Categories: lifestyle, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

Money Talks

There were other very important discussions on our Valentine’s weekend trip that were not related to readings from Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams. I’m breaking these four main discussions into separate posts.

Maximus promised not to work at all during our weekend trip other than a brief scheduled phone call with the Regional VP of His company who wanted to let Him know what His 2012 bonus would be. He was true to his word and the phone call was brief, but amazing…Maximus was receiving a very large bonus. And when i say very large, i mean, nearly 40% of my yearly salary. i was shocked, needless to say, as i overhead the bonus announced through the phone. i knew Maximus made excellent money, it was obvious by His dress, His home, His travel, His hobbies, His ex-wife, but i really hadn’t grasped the magnitude of it before. Maximus was very pleased with the amount, but i could tell that it was not an out-of-the-ballpark figure to Him as it was to me–not unexpected.

When i started reading 50 Shades of Grey, i thought someone had been spying on us. Seriously, it was uncanny. It was a story about a woman from Vancouver–i’m from Vancouver, who meets a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle–Maximus is a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle, and gets swept off of her feet in a torrid, kinky, sexual love affair. i literally dropped the book. My response to my mom when i returned home from my first trip to stay with Maximus was, “i’m so out of my league.” He’d spoiled me rotten with dinners, dancing, riding comfortably in His luxury car and then sent me home with a $100 bottle of wine He’d purchased at a wine tasting…one of half a dozen bottles He’d procured that day.

He wears $200 jeans for grubbies. He asked me to go with Him to pick out things i needed in His kitchen for when i cooked there and we went to Sur la Table with valet parking; He walked confidently to the clerk and instructed her to assist me in picking out whatever i wanted/needed, and waited, leaning nonchalantly against the counter, in Pretty Woman fashion, as she gleefully picked out expensive items i’d only ogled at before. He didn’t blink an eye at the expense and even mentioned what a great deal those purchases were, while i reeled at the fact that i would have gone to a variety store for these things–Sur la Table was a place i’d only walked through making sure i didn’t knock things over at because i couldn’t afford to buy things there if i broke them! He wants to buy a new luxury car to replace His beautiful luxury car and while at a Toyota dealership with Swimmer Guy’s vehicle, texted a picture of a Prius that said, “New Prius. 37k. I could buy three of them [for the one luxury car He wants to buy].” He wraps gifts of expensive jewelry not in wrapping paper, but $1500 designer purses!

When Maximus told me early on that He wanted me to travel with Him, i made sure to let Him know that i would not go with Him as a free ride, that i expected to pay my share. He’d been talking about us going to St. Barth’s and said, “you won’t be able to afford to go there,” to which i replied, “Well, then You’ll have to give me a year or two notice so i can save up.” He took me to Las Vegas for my birthday last year and other than my airfare, which i insisted on paying, He paid for the entire trip, including some very, very expensive meals.

As time has passed, Maximus has been more insistent on paying for things, buying things for me. i work very hard to make sure i reciprocate, paying for meals, dividing lodging expenses equally. In fact, because Maximus used His credit card when we made reservations for this trip, i gave Him a check for half of the amount, and i expected that i was going to have to raise a stink to get Him to deposit it (He did the next day, initially expecting to destroy the check but deciding that action was not worth the consequences He would face from me for doing so). i’ve just never wanted to be a gold digger. It’s been very important to me. When He paid for our Valentine’s dinner the previous night, which was very expensive, in my book, He cooed, “You’re a cheap date!”

His bonus made it clear how large the financial gap is between us. It started to make me feel very uncomfortable, feeling that i just couldn’t keep up with Him, couldn’t keep up with paying my way with the places He wants to take me and things He wants to buy and do. It bothered me for several reasons, first, i don’t want to feel like i’m taking advantage of Him, His money had nothing to do with the draw i have toward or the love i have for Him; second, i do make great money, much more than most women and many men for that matter, and i’ve been the major breadwinner in my past marriages, have never felt beholden before; third, i did not want to be like JB, Maximus’ 2nd wife, who took advantage of His wealth and spent His money handily; and last, i just didn’t want to slow Him down or be a drag.

i started talking to Maximus about this, especially after He started showing me the Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur, California where He wants to take me…the 5th best luxury resort in the US. i picked out where we were staying for this weekend, finding a very beautiful guest home adjacent to a main house with a 70-foot indoor lap pool so we could do our workouts, and was inexpensive, $110 a night. Maximus was telling me how wonderful it was, what a change as in the past He happily, without trepidation would’ve easily paid five- to ten times that rate–i was showing Him value, and He appreciated it as He’d not known value like this was out there. He loved where we’d stayed in Bend, Oregon, is excited to stay in the condo we will stay at in Lake Las Vegas on an upcoming trip, both of which i picked out and had similar rates. But even at those rates and splitting expenses, and other trips planned to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, i’m getting to the end of my discretionary spending and afraid i’m not going to be able to continue.

i tried explaining this to Him. And he wasn’t getting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, but I just don’t understand what you’re saying. This isn’t a blue/8 problem…you’re speaking Swahili to Me and I just don’t get it.” It was emotional for me and my eyes teared up and i started to cry as i spoke to Him. i explained how terrified i was about breaking the $100 bottle of wine He’d given me and how i couldn’t even imagine opening it. “Why not? Drink it! It’s only a $100 bottle of wine and it’s for you to drink!” He admonished.

“i can’t,” i explained, “it’s a $100 bottle of wine…how can i drink that? The most expensive bottle of wine i have ever had was $40 and i get nervous buying anything over $14.”

“It’s a $100 bottle of wine, that’s nothing. Someone one gave Me a $1,000 bottle of wine,” He replied.

“Did you open it?” i inquired.

“Hell no! It was a $1,000 bottle of wine!!”

i responded, “Well, my $100 bottle of wine is Your $1,000 bottle of wine. Hell no i didn’t open it!”

“Ok, I get it.”

He explained that our relationship isn’t a competition. Maximus isn’t buying things expecting me to reimburse Him. There’s no tally sheet. It makes Him happy to do this and i repay Him by making Him happy–and i need to learn to accept this. And i’m teaching Him value, He’s discovering things He didn’t know were out there and available. He also explained that He’s never, ever had anyone who paid their way, or even more, picked up the tab for Him like i have; it’s been a big change for Him and He’s allowed it because He realized it was important to me. “I’m used to $500 dinner tabs, or more with JB. We even had a $1000 per person dinner in Chicago once…a $120 dinner tab like last night is nothing.”

“Pay what you can, because I know it’s important to you. If I decide we should go to Key West and you can only afford to contribute $35, pay $35. If we’re going to Europe and you can’t pay anything, don’t pay anything. If you want to pay half and can afford it, do it. If you want to pick up the tab, do it, I won’t argue with you about it. Whatever makes you happy. I’m happy to pay because you make Me happy.” He continued. And then joked about me paying the rest of it with sex and bondage, which made us laugh!

This is a big submission for me. And i hadn’t thought of it that way until we’d had this conversation. Taking me to beautiful places and getting things for me are ways Maximus feels He is taking care of me, sharing His life with me. This isn’t a chess game, there is no score card.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, financial submission, Living M/s, relationship | Leave a comment

i’m Not Her…

The day after our wonderful dinner, presents, and play, Maximus and i headed to the San Juan Islands to continue our belated Valentine’s Day weekend. The San Juans are a group of islands between Washington State and Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. They are absolutely beautiful and neither of us had been there for years and years.

To get to the San Juans from Seattle, you take a ferry out of Anacortes, Washington, about an hour and a half north. We took back roads and stopped in little towns along the way to shop and eat. While Maximus was driving, i offered to read aloud from Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships, by Dan and dawn Williams of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast. We both love Dan and dawn’s podcasts and enjoy discussing things we hear from them–they bring up a lot of great topics for us to discuss, many of which we haven’t thought of. The book was no different and we had many revelations!

Here are some things we discussed and learned:

  • While our initial intention was to just do D/s in the bedroom, it has grown to encompass our entire relationship. Originally, we were under the impression that D/s had to be very strict and required the sub to be very constricted, chained and without freedom. But what we’ve come to understand is that there are any levels of D/s and each relationship seeks its own level. i prefer to be submissive to Maximus, it pleases me to serve Him and give myself to His pleasure and needs, and to follow His leadership. It is important to Maximus that i have free will, but He enjoys being Dominant in the relationship, being the final decision-maker, receiving the gifts of my submission, and being responsible for my well-being. i need someone i can surrender to, someone strong enough to handle that. Mutual respect is huge in our relationship. 

Our Total Power Exchange relationship is not anyone else’s Total Power Exchange relationship, and that is exactly how it should be. This does not make our D/s relationship any less or more than anyone else’s–it’s ours and that’s what matters.

  • Living D/s allows us to be completely authentic. Both of us have had two failed marriages each, that’s four failed relationships. And what’s very interesting is that our pathway through our marriage histories are very similar. For both of us, we were not our authentic selves in our first marriages, we had outside relationships looking to fill voids we felt in our marriages, for a variety of reasons. Interestingly, our first marriages were the longest. In our second marriages, we thought we were being authentic and thought our spouses were being authentic as well, but we discovered otherwise. 

Maximus and i have shared everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i have shared with Him things i never, ever wanted anyone else to know about me, especially my relationship partner(s); He has done the same. These communications are often painful and embarrassing, but freeing and has grown our trust with each other. Not only do we still love each other after learning about our truths, we love each other more for it.  

  • We both need love to be a part of our Total Power Exchange relationship. And this love needs to be monogamous. i have never been able to surrender to anyone as i do with Maximus, and this is due to the trust and love we have. While we are swingers and play with many others, together and separately, we separate sex and love, and sex with others is simply that, sex, not love. We have both struggled, and have had serious conflict in our relationship and with past relationships, with the concept of polyamory, to the point where i have become angry jealous over a misconception that Maximus was in love with another woman. Neither of us can do polyamory. 

Maximus’ previous marriage evolved into polyamorous situations, not necessarily intentionally, but not discouraged when it happened. It started out as Maximus encouraging JB to have swinging relationships to spend time with while He traveled so much for business and left her home alone. When she confessed to falling in love with these individuals and expressed desires to investigate that more, Maximus did not discourage this. This occurred multiple times and eventually led to the breakup of their marriage. Maximus did not engage in the same pursuit and these were V-polyamorous relationships in that Maximus and JB were married, JB and the other male had a love-relationship, but Maximus and the other male were not connected. JB had tried to get Maximus to engage one of her love interest’s wives into a poly relationship, but this did not happen.

Maximus thought that JB was being honest with Him about these relationships and didn’t think they risked the demise of their primary relationship as she insisted that wasn’t the case. Because she wasn’t truthful and it blindsided Him, Maximus has developed a fear of me leaving Him, thus the rule in our contract that we only sleep with each other. Through our discussions about our relationship and fears, etc., Maximus has come to realize that i’m not her–and this is a HUGE revelation for us. We discussed it and are amending our contact accordingly to reflect this.

  • We both thrive in an authentic, honest, over-communicated relationship. And we expect this of each other. Dan and dawn describe the chess game in their previous relationships, how interactions/decisions were win-lose; actions and communications were made by consciously deciding what you were willing to give up in order to get your way with something else. We both could so relate to this and absolutely abhor the chess game we’ve had to endure in our past relationships. We don’t ever have to strategize. When we discuss something, we don’t have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive and can trust that their answer is honest.
  • While we do trust each other completely, thrive in an environment of complete and total communication, we have had some complete breakdowns in communication, full of conflict, hurt, and disrespect. 

Now, if you’re familiar with group dynamic theory, you are familiar with the concepts of Forming-Storming-Norming-Performing. Forming is just selecting the group and in our case, is finding each other and transforming into a committed relationship. Storming is that necessary time in developing a group, any sized group, where they work out group function, mores, communication styles, discover their differences, and where different ideas compete for consideration. It can be contentious and full of conflict, and for the group to succeed, they must struggle through it. In the Norming stage, the group, through storming, has developed their goals and plans and know how all individuals work together. Finally, in Performing, the group functions smoothly, has developed decision-making processes, and deals with conflict without dissent. The group can revert back to previous stages by external influences and have to go through the process as they react to changing circumstances.

i can see this cycle in our relationship. While conflict is painful, it is so necessary. i know that Maximus would prefer not to have the conflict that occurs in the Storming phase. We have talked a lot about this and how to communicate to avoid this conflict. But, we have learned so much and grown so much from these conflicts that they really were necessary evils. i believe Maximus’ fear is that this will be the norm for how we deal with conflict–i know that this is part of our development and we are moving, if not already have moved, to the Norming and Performing stages of our relationship.

Dan and dawn discuss Porch Time in their book and on their podcasts. Porch Time can be called by any partner to move out onto the porch and have a neutral space to express themselves without the hierarchy constraints of D/s or be punished for what or how things are expressed. This is the last resort where all other avenues of congenial communication have broken down. They have used this only a few times in their long relationship.

Maximus asked me to listen to their podcast about Porch Time and we discussed it several weeks ago and then discussed it again when i read this chapter. What was fascinating was that Maximus felt that Porch Time was a place where you took notice that the other person had something very critical to talk about and would do it in a constructive manner with, “i feel..”, or “i would like…”, etc, not the intention of Porch Time where you had a highly heated, no-holds-barred, verbal fight that could include all those horrible disrespectful things like name-calling. It’s the “I/i can’t take it anymore” explosion. Neither of us want Porch Time to be our main means of communication, and it shouldn’t be! Dan and dawn weren’t presenting it as such. What’s important is that in the few times that communication fails completely and You/you are at Your/your wits end, you have a place without judgment or repercussions to speak freely and fully honestly, in whatever ugly face that has. The goal is to not have to ever have to use the porch and to use effective communication to resolve conflict, but the porch is there.

When i realized that Maximus and i weren’t understanding the Porch Time concept in the same way, i decided to use a sports analogy. Picture a basketball game where your normally even-keeled, level-headed player is having a bad game, acting out, getting personal fouls, behaving unsportsmanlike and really destroying everyone’s game. What does the coach do? They pull them out of the game, or maybe they got thrown out of the game by a third-party referee. Does the coach confront them right there on the sidelines, no, what do they say? “Take it to the Locker Room!” and they have it out there. It’s not pretty, it’s bare and raw and emotional. It gets it all out. Is this how you normally deal with your basketball player? Heavens No! Do you ever even WANT to go through this? No! This is how you flush out this bad behavior, blow out the steam. Normally you coach and build relationships. This is the last resort and the intention is to be perfectly blunt about this player’s destructive behavior, hope it gets it all out and resolved so they go back to being the high-performing, well-behaved team player next game. Maximus totally got this and was very relieved to understand that this method of communication was a last resort, not the normal means of communicating. So for us, we have Take it to the Locker Room, instead of Porch Time, and we hope to never have to use it, but we know it’s there should it be necessary.

  • We love the sexual aspect of our D/s relationship. i love being the slut Maximus desires and will do anything to please Him in this way. We both love searching for my limits. Is sex our relationship? NO! Maximus is 21 years older than i am and He honestly expressed His feelings about what happens when He’s 70, 80, 90 and how we deal with the sexual aspect of our relationship.

We both love being at swingers events and hearing our partner having sex with another person. We know the sounds, giggle at the reactions the other person has at what our partner loves to do. We come and watch, we participate. He loves nothing more than to direct me to do things with others. This direction is often more sexual for Maximus than actually having sexual intercourse. In fact, us alone together, with the BDSM components of our sexual play from the scenes He creates, can be more sexually satisfying than intercourse for Maximus. Direction even includes Him directing scenes involving others, setting up scenes at a distance for me to comply with. Beyond this, Maximus loves hearing me tell Him the details of my sexual encounters with others, in descriptive detail, and even watching via Skype or Facetime.

  • Discipline is one aspects of our D/s relationship that may differ from many other D/s relationships. And i don’t mean that we lack discipline, but that physical discipline is not a major component of our relationship. i am very sensitive to disappointing anyone, especially Maximus, so it is difficult for Maximus to add insult to injury by disciplining me harshly. My training is accomplished though meeting His expectations, achieving goals, and being coached to accomplish them or learn from missing the mark. i enjoy being physically spanked, flogged, cropped, so these traditionally physical punishments are not effective for me. This difference in our relationship made us feel that perhaps we were not following the rules of D/s, but we understand better now that this is just our way.

This is as far as we got through the book. We will definitely continue this process when we are together as it is fascinating and so helpful. We did have some awesome further revelations this weekend that were not related to the readings from Living M/s and will be the topic of my next blog post.

While the revelation that i am not JB is not the theme of this post, Maximus felt it was so huge that He asked that i use this as the title when i blogged about it. i find it fascinating that something that most people fear, kinky, power exchange, BDSM relationships, can be so revealing and freeing. For us, D/s helps us confront and deal with our fears, the same fears that are often present in vanilla relationships, such as abandonment, and does this so much more effectively, for us, than in traditional relationships.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM podcasts, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dan and dawn, discipine, Dom/sub, Erotic Awakening, Living M/s, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle, Total Power Exchange | Leave a comment

We Got VD – Valentine’s Day!

Goodness gracious! So sorry about the long absence, but i got super sick with influenza, yes, one of the thousands who got the flu bug, and even ended up in the hospital for a couple of days to recover.

Maximus was a saint through it all. i had requested that He continue with His business trip while i was in the hospital, a trip that turned out to be extremely important. Unfortunately, i got pumped up full of steroids between the time He left and came down, and He was confronted by a very angry gabriella by text and telephone, demanding that He not bother to come, as i had twisted the timeline in my infected state and believed He had stalled the trip down. my angry email that i am not proud of:

Everyone else has offered to help, to come stay, to bring something.
Everyone else has checked in with me rather than having me check in with them.
i didn’t want everyone else.
i wanted You to go on your business trip because it was important and i thought You’d be right back to see me. i was wrong.
You called on your way to the airport. You texted when You were in bed at Your brothers, so i wouldn’t bother Your sleep. i didn’t even know when You were coming back, You never bothered to share Your itinerary. You said You’d text when You landed and You didn’t. Your supposed arrival date here has changed 5 times. i heard all about what a priority Swimmer Guy’s mail was.
i don’t feel like a priority.
If tables were reversed, i would checked on You constantly, until You told me to stop. i would have come straight to You on my way home from the business trip. Nothing would have stopped me.
Don’t bother now. You’ve proved your point. i have everyone else.

Maximus’ simple reply:

See you later today.

Kisses

GOT

i barely let Him in the house when He arrived and i growled at Him, “i told you not to come.” i was in the tub when He arrived, thinking that i’d succeeded in convincing Him not to come down. “Well, if you’re going to fire Me, you’re going to do that to my face. you’re sick, baby, this is being sick talking. Can I at least hold you?” He came to me and wrapped His arms around me, pressing my face into His chest. “What medications do they have you on anyway?” Maximus checked my medications and started to chuckle. “No wonder you’re angry, look how much Predisone they have you on….you’re ‘roid raging!”

Maximus got me calmed down. He then cleaned every surface of my house with a Costco-sized package of Clorox wipes, fed me, started loads of laundry, changed my bedding, and put me to bed. He worked from my home and took care of me, giggled about my raspy voice that turned into a little girl’s voice as i recovered. He was quite the doting caregiver and i was well on my way to recovery when He headed home.

Our Valentine’s Day plans were for after Valentine’s Day and included me heading up on the train. We’ve discovered this is a less-expensive and very enjoyable way to travel to see each other. The train has wi-fi, albeit kinda spotty as it is cellular-based and doesn’t have consistent coverage the whole route, and they serve wine! The trip takes the same amount of time, but we arrive rested. As i was going to be taking the train, i became concerned about being able to transport His Valentine’s Day present as it was bulky and fragile. i wrapped His gift and He took it home to open when i arrived later.

i decided to harken back to 1930’s movies where a woman traveled by train to her lover, all decked out, and was met by Him at the train station. i wore a low-cut, cap sleeve, short flowing dress, white with black rose motif in honor of Valentine’s Day and red satin peep toe stilettos. Maximus was waiting out front for me.

We had an amazing prix fixe three-course dinner at a quaint restaurant in Seattle. We ordered cocktails and i presented Maximus with another Valentine’s gift, brass collar stays with racy hidden messages engraved into them, stored in a case that i had monogrammed GOT. i’d noticed in His travel bag that He carried a few old plastic collar stays and really deserved something much better than that. Maximus just loved them and as fate would have it, the shirt He was wearing had lost both collar stays, so He went through the case and picked out two that spoke to Him and i leaned across the table and inserted them for Him. So perfect! Inside His card, i wrote out a poem from Tyler Knott Gregson, All Things, that touched me as it made me think of Maximus:

All Things

You are all things
and in all things
I find you.
I see you in the ruffled
sheets still painted
with the silhouette of morning;
I see you in the tea that stains
the water that fills this cup.
I hear you,
your shuffled laughter as the
sound of a page turning
in every book I read.
The sound of my own breath
echoing in my own ears
before sleep and it’s you
whispering between the exhales.
You are all things
and in that
you are never
gone.
In all things
I find you and in that
we are never
apart.

Maximus was very struck by the same lines as i, and toasted “you are all things and in all things I find you.” It was absolutely stunning. 

We started talking and talking, about us, about our D/s relationship, about fears and the process of beating down those fears. Maximus revealed that He was no longer fearful of me sleeping with someone else, as in literally sleeping with someone i’ve been having sex with as part of our swinging lifestyle and playing separately. He trusts me and knows that i love only Him and that i would not betray Him. Sleeping with someone is not something that i had done very often in the past even as a single woman. As our contract requires, i had asked Maximus several months ago if i could go to the coast at the invitation of CycloMed, as his guest in a hotel where he was attending a convention, for a sexual rendevouz, but that it would, for safety reasons, i.e. driving home in the middle of the night on dangerous roads in the rain, be better if i could stay the rest of the night and drive home in the morning. Maximus not only agreed, but insisted that He would be angry if i attempted to drive home in the middle of the night from the coast; however, CycloMed had to cancel and it didn’t occur. i’d not requested another sleepover since, and really it wasn’t an issue. i had, however, received an invitation to get together with Wildride Pilot next month during some layovers, which i had informed Maximus about, and planned on telling Maximus this weekend that i was going to book a separate room to sleep in on the night that we’d not be getting together until very late. i think this invitation had gotten Maximus to think about this rule, even though i had not yet given Him the specifics as to times we would be meeting.

This lead to all kinds of great discussion about trust and fear, how our relationship and, thus contract, has evolved–it was just a terrific conversation.

We then headed home. Maximus instructed me to go inside, stand in the great room and wait for Him. He said He’d carry in my bag. i brought all of our toys with me this trip, except the chain mail dress, as He’d instructed for His plans for me–i had to pack the toy bag inside of my biggest suitcase and pack clothes around it and it weighed in at 49 pounds, one pound under the limit for checked baggage on the train! Maximus came in and told me to close my eyes and hold out my arms. He placed a package in my arms and when i opened my eyes found gorgeous red towels for my bathroom (Maximus decided i needed special towels for my master bath rather than all the same towels between my bathrooms)! It was a great Valentine’s gift and we laughed and laughed about it.

He instructed me to close my eyes again…this time a bag from Victoria’s Secret was placed in my hands. It was full of beautiful new panties, all styles, all colors and designs. Maximus had gone through my underwear drawer while taking care of me and was woefully unimpressed at my current collection. Maximus pulled my dress off over my head, removed my bra (bras aren’t to be worn after 6:30 PM at Maximus’), leaving me in my red stiletto heels as i’d not worn panties, just my bejeweled butt plug and Benwah balls. Maximus picked a pair of panties from the bag, steadied me, slipping my feet through the panties and sliding them up onto me, dressing me. He had me turn to model them, admiring them on me, telling me the story of picking them out. He then removed them and repeated with each pair. i absolutely loved being dressed by Him, like a doll. At the bottom of the bag was a sexy form-fitting short black lace nightie. He pulled off the last pair of panties and slipped the nightie over my head for me to model for Him. My current nightie and pajama collection was not impressive to Him (and truly, i never wear nighties or pajamas unless i’m sick, so they are admittedly old, faded, worn, and comfy, and not meant to be seen by anyone!).

i was instructed to crouch down, staying on my feet, and hold my arms out once more. This time a heavy package was placed in my arms. The first item in the bag was a ball gag, with a slotted red ball attached to a black leather strap. i had initially been fearful of ball gags and indicated they were a red limit to me, but i’d been fantasizing about them recently and actually enjoyed two scenes where Maximus, at my request, had tied rope through my mouth and around the back of my head as a gag during one and stuffed my panties in my mouth during another. The next object was a heavy chain leash with a black leather hand strap…it was so heavy! And finally, in the bottom of the bag were a bunch of heavy padlocks all connected together, pounds and pounds of them. Maximus giggled as i looked puzzled at them–i couldn’t fathom what these were about!

i wanted to give Maximus His gift and He said no, that it was time for Him to do a scene He’d been planning for my arrival. Maximus helped me to stand, reached up and removed my butt plug and Benwah balls. He then walked me into the kitchen where he had a new 200′ long spool of red hemp rope and several lengths that had been cut off of it on the granite island. Maximus pulled the top of my new nightie down, sucked and bit my nipples, taking my breath away. He picked up one of the lengths of rope and wrapped it first below my breasts and then above, then tied in front to cinch in between my breasts. He tied the back with another rope, lashing my arms together behind my back from the upper arm, down. my breasts were so taut and He slapped and flogged them. Then He applied the chained clover nipple clamps to my nipples, searing pain caused me to inhale sharply. i wanted to buckle at the knees, but He prevented me from doing so. He slapped and flogged my breasts some more and then walked away, returning with the padlocks. Only then did i realize what they were for! Maximus had shared an Kink.com video with me with breast bondage where padlocks were dropped onto the chain between clover nipple clamps, one by one by one, and i was going to experience this. The first padlock was applied gently onto the chain and honestly, i couldn’t feel it’s weight. Another padlock, and again, i couldn’t feel any change. Another, and another…then He squeezed the clamps and Oh My God! i dropped to my knees. He slapped my breasts and searing pain tore through me. i dropped forward, resting the padlocks on the floor and He flogged my ass, finger fucked me until i had squirted a huge puddle on the hardwood. i couldn’t support myself with my arms as they were restrained behind me and touching my nipples on the floor was like lightning, so i used my forehead and temples to brace myself and hold myself up and ended up with my head jammed against the bottom grate of His massive JennAir refrigerator. Maximus rolled me onto my back, the padlocks slid to my left side as He fingered my pussy and slapped my aching breasts. My left arm suddenly started to go numb so He released my arms. Maximus laid me on my back on the kitchen floor and began to fuck me…His chest pressing against mine was excruciating. The sounds coming out of me were unlike anything i’ve ever heard before, guttural, involuntary.

He eventually stopped and carefully removed the padlocks one by one from the chain and i knew removing the clamps, the searing, piercing pain of removing the clamps, was next. They were removed with more screams, His hands squeezing my breasts tightly, pushing the pain deeper. i’d not been able to keep my eyes open for much of the play and in fact, Maximus said they were rolled backward when they were open. Tears had been streaming down my face and my breath was in rapid pants. Maximus held me on the kitchen floor, kissed me, told me i was safe, how beautiful i was, and how proud of me He was as He stroked me. He slowly helped me to sit and then stand, wrapped a heavy robe around me and laid me down on the couch in the living room, curled, eyes closed and teary, breathing calmed. He stroked me more, praised me, and then went into the kitchen to clean up after our play.

When He was done, i asked Him to bring the present i’d had Him bring up with Him from before. i had made Him a large wall hanging out of wine corks, in the shape of a heart, graduated from white to darkest red. For months, i’ve been grabbing bags of corks from His extensive collection that He saves in giant apothecary jars next to His fireplace, worried that He would discover they were missing, or worse yet, catch me in the act! He was extremely touched by the gift.

Maximus brought me a bourbon and sent me upstairs to bed, where He would join me momentarily. When i pulled back the covers i found four love notes in between the sheets…

Oh how i love this Man!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, breast bondage, breast torture, butt plug, D/s, Dom/sub, flogging, jewel butt plug, nipple clamps, relationship, rope bondage | Leave a comment

The Gift of gabriella

When Maximus and i made the decision to enter BDSM in a D/s relationship, we both felt it was very important for me to document our journey together. The initial reason was to have documentation of a realistic BDSM couple and perhaps write a book that was more accurate and true to the lifestyle than Fifty Shades of Grey. But we quickly learned how important my journaling was to US, how much we learned about each other and ourselves through the process of documenting our journey and my feelings.

It took some time and pondering for me to come up with a name for this blog, because i wanted it to reflect the philosophy of D/s, what it meant for me and us. i brainstormed what BDSM and D/s meant to me and when i wrote gift, i knew instantly that that word needed to be included in the name. So while writing a blog may reflect someone with “the gift of gab,” someone who talks and chatters, “The Gift of gabriella” is a reflection of my gift to Maximus, the ultimate, vulnerable, trusting, complete surrendering of giving myself to Him.

To me, being a submissive is the ultimate gift. And when i say that, it’s not a gift i’ve ever given to anyone before. i also can’t imagine giving that to anyone else ever again. We had a rough month, Maximus and i, and at one point, i wasn’t sure we were going to be able to continue–and at that time, i came to realize that if we didn’t continue, i could not see myself giving this gift to anyone else. This gift is for Maximus, my only. There is something in us, something in us together that makes this gift possible.

But being a submissive is also the receipt of the ultimate gift. There is something remarkable in having someone learn your soul, mind, and body to such a point as to take you over an edge that you could not achieve alone. There is something remarkable to have someone trust you so much that they are willing to do things to you in such a vulnerable state.

This gift transcends BDSM, however. This gift we share permeates every part of our lives together, and apart. BDSM requires exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. to exist, and in turn, fills our entire relationship with exquisite communication, trust, sharing, honesty, etc. We are not perfect, and we will stumble, make mistakes, unintentionally hurt each other, but the gift we share helps us recover from that and in turn, grow.

Maximus, it is Christmas, and i love You. Not because it’s Christmas or the closing of one chapter and the beginning of a new one in the book of our lives, but for the gifts You are and the gifts you allow me to share everyday and for the rest of our lives together. No box could ever contain it, no paper ever cover it, no ribbon ever beautiful enough to wrap the enormity of us. These gifts i shall cherish forever.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, relationship, togetherness | Leave a comment

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

The Necessity of Gabbing

Gabbing, talking, sharing, conversing, COMMUNICATING…there are few things more important than that in any relationship. Invaluable. Priceless. Critical.

i came up to Maximus’ yesterday, not for the purpose of dealing with my batshit outburst, but as part of a previously planned trip to support Him during a difficult time, his divorce mediation the end of this week. i was pretty terrified about coming up. i actually imagined that i’d walk in and find Maximus and The Englishman sitting in His living room waiting and asking me to leave when i walked in. They weren’t, they didn’t.

This wasn’t the time to talk about what happened or my jealousy. But we ended up talking about it anyway. And i think we are both relieved about it. It took hours, in bed, late. It was time and energy Maximus didn’t have in reserve to spend, yet He did, despite my pleas for Him to stop and sleep. It wasn’t that i was refusing to talk about it, i didn’t want to again be a distraction and i wanted Him to get some rest.

It’s not the final talk, but it cut a ton of tension, and we had some epiphanies. First, Maximus could not understand why i could not see how different He was with me than He was with Ms. W since everyone else could see that. i can’t see that, it’s not possible as i am never around when He’s with her, while those people are. In the absence of that, my fear made up a ridiculously inflated false reality of who they are together. Second, during the course of the conversation, Maximus was discussing something and mentioned, if not for the affair of JB and Covert Ops, Ms. W would have been someone He would have met and not seen again, that she is not someone He would have pursued a relationship with. The situation of the affair, impending divorces, and shared experience have brought them into a friendship of support. It never was a love interest. i did not know this, never realized this.

As the old saying goes, Assume makes an Ass out of u and me.” i’m not going to blame this on either one of us making assumptions–but it illustrates the importance of communicating, asking, listening, and not making up realities out of incomplete information. We have more to work on, i have more to work on. While i feel relieved and it makes me want to think the jealousy is gone, i will be realistic and agree with Maximus that we have work to do on my feelings of jealousy. And while i’m embarrassed to have the man i love point that out to me, i am deeply moved by His concern and commitment to this internal issue of mine, especially since it reared its ugly head so explosively toward Him. I think most men, most people, would put up walls and expect the person feeling the emotion to deal with it independently, as if to say, come see me when you’ve got this thing of yours figured out. i hold a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that Maximus is wanting to help me with this. Don’t get me wrong, this is my issue that i have to ultimately deal with, but it is helpful to have someone there supporting me while i do it.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, communication, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

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