relationship

Finally!

We did it! We are now 24/7!

i apologize for the gap in posting, but there’s been a lot going on.

During our trip to Hawaii this summer, Maximus asked that i consider move up to Seattle with Him. So long story short, i did! i retired, moved up, have an offer on my house in Vancouver, and we are finally TOGETHER!

So, there’s much more to come. Lots of travel and other adventures to share.

Kisses!

Categories: relationship | 1 Comment

A Little Lube

maximus

Maximus and i got a little off track the last few months. It wasn’t intentional, it just kinda crept up on us due to my illness, inability to have sex for several months, stress of what to do about the future, etc. The D/s component just faded. Sex became really vanilla, no toys, no scenes. And by vanilla, i mean occurred primarily at night when we went to bed or in the morning when we work up and consisted of Maximus rolling over on top of me, putting His cock inside, quickly fucking me, and we were done. i wasn’t aroused, it wasn’t enjoyable, and i even started requesting not to have sex, which i had never done…and is not even allowed in our contract.

But we weren’t following our contract in other aspects either. Our D/s isn’t just about sex, it encompasses all aspects of our life. i was getting very unhappy with this but didn’t know how to bring it up, or really just didn’t want to, i guess…until life made sure we did.

Maximus had been traveling and during a call said He had some things to talk about, something about our swinging sites and something funny. He started in about our swinging sites and i just listened. After about 15 minutes, it was apparent to me that He was dissatisfied with our (lack of) swinging but not coming right out and saying it forthright. i was getting the impression that He was fishing to play separately and i was really concerned that He already had, something that we had agreed not to do and had amended in our contract. i asked Him about this and He replied, “Well, it does say in our contract that I can, so I see no problem in going to [the club] on my own.” Well i was horrified! i knew this was not the case, that it was not in our contract. And furthermore, i was devastated that He had not displayed any interest in playing with me in our pre-hysterectomy manner and now was looking for playmates at the club instead! i had told Him He was free to do that, play separately, but that i was not able to be in a relationship like that–it was His decision. i wasn’t ending the relationship, but i really could not continue like that and was putting the decision in His hands, willingly. i ended up telling Him i needed to get off the phone because i was too upset to talk civilly.

i went to my computer and found our last amended contract (from August 2013!) that struck out the clause about playing separately and found that we’d not finallized or signed it (WTF!) . And i went back through the blog to see when we had discussed not playing separately and what we’d agreed upon, finding it documented in Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms. i re-emailed Him the contract and the link to my journal blog post with some terse words that “if we’re going to talk about the contract, i would appreciate if You’d use the latest version rather than an old one” and that He should refer to our discussion and agreement from August about not playing separate that i’d documented in the blog.

What made me the most upset was that i suddenly felt like i couldn’t trust Him, couldn’t trust that He would remember our conversations and agreements and just go with whatever He felt like doing. i felt He was playing a game, using an old contract as an advantage to get what He wanted instead of going with what we’d agreed upon. And it wasn’t just that we’d agreed upon it, i had taken the wording about playing separately out of our swinging profiles and hidden our individual profiles as He had requested i do after we’d make that decision–i knew He knew we’d made that decision!

Maximus was traveling and i was working and weren’t going to be together alone for over a week to be able to discuss this. What was worse, is that during that week we were going to be together, we’d be with my mother for a family weekend. i just couldn’t tolerate having that hanging over us. So we ended up talking for hours over the phone while i was working the next evening and sorted things out.

He said He was thinking about playing separately and got the contract out to check if that was ok and found, in the contract He had filed, that it was ok. He thought we had agreed otherwise, but couldn’t find any contract stating that and didn’t think about looking through my journal. We agreed that we needed to go through the last amendment, see if we had changes to make, as it seemed there were issues, and agreed to do that the next time we were alone together. He also agreed to not play separately as it was clear we had decided months ago not to do that.

i brought up my concern that He was wanting to swing with others rather than have sex with me. i described my dissatisfaction on how things had been going sexually and we ended up with a very good discussion. He had been worried about hurting me, physically, after my surgery, so sex kind of waned, even when i was released to have intercourse. We’d gone to a swinger party two weeks after my release and it was just too intense for me, which led us to leave the party–this put the brakes on for Him. Me, feeling the brakes, made me feel not sexy or desirable, and the radical change in our sex led to loss of arousal. Self-perpetuating problem. Even while we were in Hawaii, despite bringing all our toys, we still had this vanilla sex, until the last day when i requested He do a scene. i was very aroused and the scene went great, but we reverted back afterward. Maximus understood. i shared it was wonderful to be taken, to have Him roll over and fuck me, and was His right as my Dom; but if this is the only thing we do, it just doesn’t work for me, i don’t feel cherished or appreciated, and don’t get aroused.

i also shared that i would have appreciated if He had initiated a dialogue with me about these issues rather than start in on them and dump them on me all at once. i really did feel dumped on. He said He’d thought about that, but thought it wasn’t necessary, but now realizes it was.

We felt like we’d communicated a lot, i felt trust come back. We had our weekend with my mom and things were okay. The next weekend Maximus came down. i requested He come so we could have some alone time together and work on our contract, reconnect, etc. Soon after we were together, Maximus started sharing about a podcast He’d been listening to on His way down, Communication is Lubrication: Scripts For Your Sex Life, by Sex with Emily. He shared that He’d learned about the importance of lube for women. i stopped Him and asked Him why it took a podcaster talking about this to get Him to realize this when His ex, J, had told Him over and over “spit isn’t lube,” we’ve talked about it, and i’ve requested lube. i felt slighted, again, “why is He not listening to what we talk about?” i thought.

It turned into a battle. He needed to work on work stuff, all day and we only had less than two days together. i didn’t feel like a priority, was disappointed that our weekend to get together to talk and sort things out was going to be taken over by Him working. i said, “You might as well have not come down if You’re just going to work all the first day.” Well this made Him upset that i was “kicking Him out again,” which i wasn’t, i was just making a point that if He didn’t have time to spend than maybe we should’ve found a different time, as i had made time for us. He started packing and we were both angry. Finally i got Him to understand i was not kicking Him out. We agreed to table the discussion for a few hours so He could finish some work and then we would talk.

His work actually only took 30 minutes. And then we sat down and went over the amended contract we’d never finalized months ago. i started reading it aloud, line by line, and lo and behold, all the things we felt needed to be added or changed in the contract were already that way in the amended contract!! It had been so long since we’d gone over the contract together that we’d forgotten what was in there and what our agreements were. It is embarrassing to admit.

During our discussion, we realized that we have a great contract, it says everything we need, we just need to get back to living it. While i would never tell Maximus, because it’s not my place, even though i wanted to tell Him, i need Him to be the Dom, i need Him to continue my training, i need the boundaries enforced if i step out of line. Maximus came to this conclusion on His own when we went through the contract, He said it was quite evident that we’d stopped living the intent of the contract and our D/s. Again, nothing against anyone…i got sick, it made it blurry on how to operate D/s with my illness.

So with a little lube…communication, we’re back on track. We have an excellent contract, we have an excellent D/s relationship. Honestly, we’re not all conflict. i tend to write about it because it’s important for me to do this to digest and move on, and to remember how we got to where we are. There are so many great things, things before, things now, and things in the future. Together we are so amazing!

 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, communication, playing together, relationship, Sex with Emily | 1 Comment

Our Relationship Vision and Values

Image

Developing our relationship vision and values has been our to-do list for months and months. We had some time together last weekend and instead of filling our time up with running errands and random things, we decided to take the time to focus on our vision and values. These are going to be particularly important in the next several months as we have decided to take our relationship to the next level–we are moving in together. i am going to retire early and transition to a new career (job search is actively on!), rent out my house, and move up to Seattle. Plans are for me to apply to graduate school for a professional program related to my current field, but i may forgo that if i find a fantastic dream job prior.

So it’s an exciting time and we have a ton to do. We have been working with an architect and builder to add rooms onto Maximus’ house for my grand piano, storage, and an office for me. And we are getting ready to meet with an attorney to work on establishing a domestic partnership, cohabitation agreement, power of attorney, wills, etc., as well as financial planning. We’ve both had relationships fail in the past and want to go into this with eyes wide open and all angles discussed and agreed upon so we don’t make the same mistakes and assumptions we’ve done in the past.

The first step though, was for us to make sure we have a shared vision of what this looks like and make sure our values are aligned. It’s important that we have something to go to if we start struggling with decisions during this process.

We started brainstorming words that embodied our vision of our relationship. We wrote them all down as they came out of our mouths and then discussed them after we finished the list. Some were combined, some eliminated. Then we wrote them into our vision statement:

A lifelong, harmonious, loving, committed relationship together.

Next we brainstormed values. Again we wrote them all down as they came out of our mouths, discussed, combined, eliminated. Once we had narrowed the list down to a dozen or so values, i wrote these on post-it notes and we prioritized them on the tabletop in order. It was really fascinating to do this and we had great discussions. We were even surprised about how we prioritized some things and learned a lot about each other in the process. Here’s what we came up with:

Our Values

  1. Our Relationship
  2. Family
  3. Financial Stability
  4. Health
  5. Career Professionalism
  6. Lifelong Learning
  7. Organization/Cleanliness/Order
  8. Sexuality
  9. Autonomy
  10. Friendships
  11. Creativity
  12. Fun, Adventure, and Spontaneity
  13. Selflessness/Compassion
  14. Faith

These are our values now, and the order of them now. These can change and that’s perfectly alright. We will revisit them as necessary, adjust as our relationship grows. But what it gives us is a framework and it opened up important conversation that we need to have to guide us while we undergo this big change together.

Categories: communication, relationship, Relationship Vision, Values | Leave a comment

Gah!

gahi have race brain….bad. GAH!

First, i’m emotional. i cried when i drove the last several miles to the race start, overwhelmed by the beauty of the venue and how unbelievable it is to me that i am here. i’m not a crier, either.

i will stop crying. i will stop crying.

Maximus is in Chicago for business and for the first time, i’m a mess about it. Saturday morning, as i was driving to the race venue, Maximus was flying to Chicago. We had a great conversation that morning before i left and He said He would get a hold of me after He got through security at the airport. i never heard from Him…not even the normal texts letting me know He’s getting on the plane or I love you’s when doors closing. i finally got a text He had landed and was in a cab enroute to the hotel, but after two hours, still nothing. i was upset by this–what’s going on? For the first time, i felt suspicious about His travels…and i told Him that when we talked about it. He understood where I was coming from and we moved on.

Then last night, i called His room at 11:30 PM His time after not hearing from Him. The phone was picked up and promptly hung up on me. Then i called back and it went to voicemail. As i got voicemail the second time, i got a text from Him that He was walking to His room.

“That’s odd, because i just called Your room and someone hung up on me,” i texted back.

Then He immediately called saying He’d been in His room for five minutes and missed the call while in the bathroom.

It didn’t make sense to me and i was suspicious again. Gah. And it ruined my whole day. i was upset that the chain of events happened and that they were making me feel suspicious. And i hated feeling suspicious! We talked through it but i was terribly upset by it and by the time we were able to talk about our days, i was just destroyed and couldn’t talk. i asked Maximus to let us just end the call because i was upset and couldn’t talk, which He did. i cried for about 10 minutes, rested, and called Him back 20 minutes later and we talked about our days.

Second, i’m forgetful. i lost my wallet and my Garmin GPS triathlete watch this morning, which is essential, expensive, and setup EXACTLY how i want it, a task that’s taken 3 years to figure out. Turns out, it was in my car in the center console where i put it when i left the car to use a restroom in a park.

i know it’s the stress of the upcoming race. i’m distracted, feeling a little overwhelmed perhaps. i had major burnout last week, couldn’t even train and had three days of intense stomach cramps. i’ve just not been myself.

i even forgot my birthday is in three days, until Maximus reminded me today on the phone.

Hey brain! Come back here! i need you!! Gah!

i love You, Maximus. Thank You for being patient with me right now. i’m sorry i was a mess last night.

Categories: relationship, trust | 2 Comments

1st GOT Day

GOT sundial

We made it! Sometimes it didn’t seem we would, but we celebrated our First GOT Anniversary this week.

It seems so long ago that Maximus told me in Las Vegas that He had fallen in love with me and shared GOT. We’ve had some great times and we’ve had some very, very hard times, downright awful times. He has shared that this has been the hardest He’s ever worked in a relationship, and i appreciate that. i have done the most work on me in this relationship than i’ve ever done before, and i’ve been the most bare and honest as well. i have wanted to run away, have run away, but i always came back because i knew it was right, knew it was worth staying for and fighting for, despite all the hard work and tears. We’ve grown so much, we’ve learned so much, about each other and ourselves.

We celebrated GOT Day after Kilt and Rhodie left. It was killing me to wait!! i had made a pillow that was appliquéd with GOT on one side and XOXO on the other, two things that Maximus always texts me, particularly the last thing before we go to sleep. i also had a sundial for the new garden He is working on, with the line from Robert Browning’s poem, Grow Old Along with Me, the Best is Yet to Be. He gave me the beautiful Michael Kors stilettos, an awesome Northface jacket, and not one, but five wonderful anniversary cards–in numbered sequence, with lines and phrases underlined in all, and special notes inside for me. FIVE!!

GOT cards

After exchanging gifts we made love and took a much-needed nap! Maximus took me to a amazing restaurant along the Seattle waterfront, Aqua, for dinner. Boy, do i have so much to learn! When they seated us, the hostess mentioned she’d be right back with a black napkin for me. i looked quizzically at Maximus and said mockingly, “So my napkin needs to match my little black dress?!?” and He answered,

“Of course, why do you ask?”

“Really? i was just joking!”

“Oh, my love, you have so much to learn. Fine restaurants will always bring you a black napkin if you’re wearing black. you don’t want white lint all over your little black dress. i request a matching napkin if restaurants don’t offer…”

i do have so much to learn.

Actually, our dinner was supposed to be at the best restaurant in Seattle, Canlis, but they were closed for Labor Day. We will be going there at the end of the month when we return to Seattle again to finish out our GOT Month. Good thing i know about the napkin thing now!

And good thing as my most special GOT gift won’t be ready until then…it’s still being made. (No! i’m not pregnant!!)

Honestly, though, GOT is not about the finest restaurants and gifts, it’s about us and our love and our relationship and our GOT. It’s taken a year…i get it now, i’m there. Maximus even noticed the next day, i’m calm, i’m happy, i’m great! We had so much to work on together and we’ve made it.

And i can’t wait for the rest of GOT. It’s already been amazing, and that’s with all the rough patches. Just imagine…

GOT

Categories: BDSM relationship, Living M/s, relationship | Leave a comment

Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms

Gosh it’s been a while since i blogged! Nothing’s wrong, in fact things are going great! We’ve not had much playtime recently, as the last time i was up with Him, my mom came with, and while the jokes between us about mom are hilarious…there’s NO WAY we’re going there!!

i had a surprise vacation day last weekend so headed back up and Maximus took me to a Seahawks game (He has season tickets). What a blast! i’d never gone to a NFL game before and it was super fun. We’re hoping to do that again.

On the way home from the game, we started talking about Maximus and The Englishman going out the other night and meeting vanilla chicks at a bar. Maximus shared that they had met two women and one hit it off with The Englishman (i knew about this as he texted me about it and i was encouraging The Englishman to pursue it, to start dating again) and that the other woman, a widow whose husband had died six months ago, had given Maximus her email address. He shared that nothing happened, and that in the past He would have encouraged both women to come to His place, having every intention to fuck one of them and setting up the scene for The Englishman to fuck the other one. He then added, “But I didn’t want to do that. Is there something wrong with Me?” i was taken back by this, as we have talked at length about Maximus staying away from vanilla women due to the drama it causes (vanilla women equate sex with love and Maximus fucking them has led to problems with women becoming attached and upset). We started talking about this history, but i was tired and getting irritated that we were going to have this discussion yet again, so didn’t get too deep into it. When we got home, i noticed that this woman’s business card with her personal email address written on it was set out on His buffet when we walked in (Maximus had picked me up at the train station before the game, so i hadn’t been to His house yet), and it frustrated me that He had kept it and had it so prominently displayed, as if to remind Himself to contact her. i asked Him why He still had it if He had no intention of contacting her and why it was set out like that. He mentioned that He’d no intention of contacting her, so i asked Him to dispose of it, shred it, which He did.

We had intended to have some playtime when we got home from the game, since it’d been so long, and i was frustrated that this discussion and finding the card was irritating me so much. i decided it was enough, a discussion for another time; i went upstairs, removed my clothing, knelt at the end of the bed with the crop over my thighs, and took myself into a state of calming submission while i waited for Maximus. It was the right decision.

We had a race early the next morning and things to do before our planned drive back down to my place. i thought about how to bring up this discussion again. i decided that during our drive i would suggest doing some brainstorming on our Relationship Vision assignment from Fern and bring it up then. Interestingly, Maximus brought the topic up when we started our trip!

Wounded Birds

woundedbirdWhen i was processing my feelings and our relationship after the last raging episode, one of the things i thought about was how Maximus responds to attention from women–it’s like a drug, an endorphin rush. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t despise this, it’s something i’ve known about Maximus all along, but i feel that this rush makes it difficult for Him to not get involved in or encourage situations that cause conflict for Him and us. Moreover, Maximus is extremely tenderhearted and has a penchant for what i call Wounded Birds, people who are down on their luck, emotionally wounded, and in need of rescuing. More often than not, the wounded birds are women, such as Ms. W, LeLe, Nancy, Z Baby, PoodleS, but The Englishman is a wounded bird as well. These people attract His attention and give Him a great deal of appreciative attention back, and Maximus derives a great deal of self-worth from that.

Maximus started the conversation about being at the bar with The Englishman. We talked about the drama that comes from hooking up with vanilla chicks and particularly Wounded Birds, as this woman, a recent widow, most certainly was. i shared with Him how i had spent time thinking about His response to women’s attentions and had wanted to talk about it with Him. He most certainly agreed with my assessment, that He does get a rush from that, to the point where it blinds Him (such was the case when we met a swinging couple in Hawaii that i did not care for, but He did not even pick up on my overt signals about because He was so taken by the woman’s desire to be with Him).

He again shared that He didn’t have a desire to pick up women, but that He would gladly arrange to go on a double-date with The Englishman and the women they met at the bar, in order to encourage him to get back into the playing field. “But don’t You see, You’re doing this to rescue wounded birds–two of them!” i continued, “the widow is a wounded bird and The Englishman is most certainly a wounded bird! The Englishman is a big boy, he’s an adult, he’s most certainly capable of dating again, as he has before. He doesn’t need you to get him dating again. And by taking out the widow, You’re just encouraging her to be attached and causing drama.” Maximus replied, “Oh My god, you’re so right, The Englishman is another wounded bird.”

Don’t be a Douche

don't be a douche“But i would tell her that i have a girlfriend, if she wanted to get attached, that would fix that!” Maximus continued.

“No,” i replied, “that would be extremely hurtful, to her and to The Englishman. First, You haven’t told her You have a girlfriend, so she’s seeing You under the vanilla pretext that You are interested in her. Second, when You reveal that You have a girlfriend after going out with her, and probably fucking her too, You become the biggest jerk around and in turn, You damage The Englishman’s credibility with the girl He’s dating because He knows You have a girlfriend and therefore that shows that He encourages cheating, thus making Him a jerk. You aren’t helping anyone by doing that.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Maximus replied.

i shared with Maximus that it is frustrating to me that He continues to encourage relationships with vanilla women because it brings us conflict. And i clarified that it wasn’t that i had conflict that He saw other women, but giving vanilla women the impression that He was interested in them brought their drama and conflict into our Relationship. We talked about several women who He texts.

“I’m just being nice to them. My mother taught me to be nice. They text, I answer,” Maximus shared.

“But it’s not nice…You’re leading them on, and that’s not nice. That’s mean and really, quite douchey,“i replied. We talked about how women interpret continued interest from a man and what that means to them.

“I see that I’m really not being nice by doing that, that I’m leading them on. My mother would be very angry that I was being a douche!”

Playing Together

The discussion then turned to a specific woman who Maximus texts, Miss H, who He does not wish to ever get together with again, for several reasons. Recently, she asked if He was going to be in her state again for business and He replied when He’d be there, and of course, she wants to get together with Him. i asked why He even divulged that information with her if He had no interest in getting together with her. Again, He thought He was being nice and not understanding her intent in inquiring about His travels.

We talked about just letting these conversations with these women He has no interest in getting together with just end. “Just don’t reply, let them fade out,” i suggested. “Just as You did with Big E when You weren’t interested in getting together with little e.”

The conversation turned to swinging. As Maximus had noted, He no longer had any interest in vanilla dating, and when He thought about it, He had no interest in lifestyle dating either. This was a surprise to me. i shared that i had not had swinging dates for several months, had just lost interest in it, because i preferred to do that with Him. i went on to say that there was a certain level of jealousy when He was lifestyle dating, not that i was jealous of other women, but that i was jealous that He was playing and i wasn’t there to watch, hear, or participate!

“Oh My God! Thank you so much for sharing that!” Maximus responded, “that makes so much sense to Me!” i think Maximus felt i was jealous, but assumed i was jealous of the women, not that i was not playing too.

After more discussion, Maximus shared that He no longer wanted to swing separately, and i agreed. We have turned off our single profiles and updated our couple profiles accordingly.

Red Bottoms

i thared bottomsnked Maximus for our conversation and shared that i’d wanted to have this talk on the way down too. i also shared how i had felt after the football game, the frustration and irritation and how i had chosen to submit rather than getting angry, using it as a time to focus on the positive in us. While explaining this, i shared that i was proud that i hadn’t let that be a trigger to raging, and this surprised Him, that i could’ve raged with that. i had a hard time explaining that i probably wouldn’t have raged, but in the past, i could’ve been triggered by that, but that i had employed techniques to not get angry.

The next day, Maximus proposed that if we could go 100 days from the last raging event without me raging (actually, it was if i could go 100 days without raging, to which i clarified it was a joint responsibility and He revised the statement), He would buy me a pair of Christian Louboutin red bottomed stilettos! This is a reward for both of us, first, that He gets to buy something extravagant without me balking about it, second, that i get something special i’ve only ever dreamt about, and third, that He gets to see me wear a pair of these spectacular shoes!

So the countdown is on…actually already started over a month ago. And it’s kinda like taking candy from a baby…our raging days are over.

And…newsflash! We are going to Paris in October…the birthplace of Christian Louboutin shoes!

Categories: BDSM relationship, Christian Louboutin Red Bottomed Shoes, communication, Dom/sub, playing together, relationship | Leave a comment

Forgiveness

forgiveness

Maximus and i were finally back together this morning. We took some time to dialogue two things that we needed to go over to finish the resolution of our conflict. The two things regarded eliminating absolutes and Ms. W.

Eliminating absolutes revolved around how my discovery that Maximus had lied and concealed His communications and meetings with Ms. W during the last two months while i worked on my rage set up a perfect storm of three major rage triggers that overwhelmed my ability to control my rage about it. The triggers were being lied to by my partner, having my partner conceal important issues from me, and abandonment. What do these have to do with absolutes? Well Maximus had told me from the beginning of, well actually before, our relationship that if He ever lied to His partner, the relationship would be over–this was how He described how important honesty and trust was to Him in a relationship. So when He admitted that He had lied to me, these triggers, especially the fear of abandonment, were just too much for me–i was simultaneously hurt, scared, terrified, and overwhelmed by my belief that He was now done with our relationship and i didn’t understand why. i had nothing to lose, He was going to leave me, and i raged–the worst rage ever. i acknowledged that He had made a choice to leave me and told Him to go, and then begged Him not to leave me, back and forth and back and forth. So in our dialogue today, we agreed that absolutes like that set us up for failure as they do not allow us to work on issues in our relationship that lead us to feel insecure, unsafe, and risk or lead to changes in our behavior that aren’t congruent with our morals. If y/You do _________, i/I will _________ doesn’t let us be human and recover from mistakes, and we ARE human and WILL make mistakes. Moreover, i really feel that i have made great headway against my raging, and had i not been confronted by this perfect storm of triggers, i don’t think i would have raged again.

In our talk about Ms. W. i shared with Maximus something that Fern had said to me at my last counseling session, something that i did not understand at the time but became clear yesterday after He and i had dialogued over the phone. Fern told me that Ms. W was a symbol for something. i didn’t agree with her, replying that no, Ms. W was a person, not a symbol. However, after doing some reflection about our phone dialogue yesterday, i realized that Ms. W WAS a symbol, a symbol of my fear of losing the emotional intimacy in our emotionally monogamous relationship. i had a belief that Maximus and Ms. W shared emotional intimacy, but that just isn’t the case, it isn’t fact. Ms. W may desire emotional intimacy with Him, but He has not, does not, doesn’t engage in that with her. The fact that Maximus had lied and concealed the continued contact with Ms. W reinforced my belief that not only did i think they were emotionally intimate, but were having an emotional affair; but when looked at factually, He had not had time to meet with Ms. W yet to go over with her the changes He was going to make in their relationship.

The significance of these two dialogues had to do with trust for both of us. First, a request for Maximus to trust in me that i am able to control my rage, that this was an isolated event due to extraordinary compounding of triggers for me. Second, my promise to trust in Maximus that He is not emotionally intimate with anyone other than me, that we are indeed emotionally monogamous.

At the end, i asked Maximus to forgive me for my mistrust and for my rage, and He forgave me. Maximus then asked me to forgive Him for lying to me and concealing the contact with Ms. W, and i forgave Him. Honestly, before yesterday afternoon, i did not even think forgiveness was going to be possible for weeks for me. In fact, prior to yesterday’s dialogue, my agenda for today’s discussion was going to be about confronting Maximus about the emotional affair He was having with Ms. W. i am so very thankful, again, for the courage Maximus had to initiate the dialogue yesterday that opened up my eyes, mind, and heart and allowed me to understand.

i am extremely hopeful that this, indeed, is the end of this chapter for us. This past week has been full of brutal truth. And as Gloria Steinem said,

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.

Ending a chapter on brutal truth is so much better, in the long run, than ending a chapter on concealed truth. Even though it was painful, it got everything out on the table, in the open, for us both to see and deal with. It gives us a true clean slate to move on.

While this blog is my submissive journal and the main purpose is as an outlet for me to process my feelings and document how we develop in our D/s relationship, i do realize that it is public and we have had followers who came to it interested in the BDSM, D/s aspect, not relationship drama. So to those readers, if you are still with me after this two month period of drama, thank you for sticking with us, and we will be getting back to our regularly scheduled program! That being said, however, i do think that it is important for me to share the reality of developing a D/s relationship, in that it involves real people, with real emotions and real lives, and all the baggage that comes with that. D/s requires enormous trust and a grain of sand can cause enough irritation to hobble. Perhaps our story may help another couple dealing with their grain of sand whatever it may be, to help them seek counseling and learn to really communicate, really listen, and make it through the other side. And to not give up on each other.

Text from Maximus: Hey, I got a message from your ass saying it needed a butt plug. Just wanted to alert you…

Text reply from gabriella: KK. i’ll check in with my ass…my ass says “ahhhh, thank you Sir for informing g what i needed!”

butt message1

Looks like we’re back!

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, forgiveness, honesty, Imago, relationship, relationship needs, trust | 1 Comment

Liar

Maximus has been lying to me about Ms. W.

i am devastated.

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, insecurities, intuition, lying, relationship | Leave a comment

Maximus’ Epiphany

aha moment

This is a very important post, a culmination of all the hard heart work Maximus and i have been doing these past couple of months.

Maximus had an epiphany, an “Aha Moment” yesterday.

Maximus had His first one-on-one appointment with Fern via Skype yesterday, but it wasn’t where He had the epiphany. After His appointment, He texted that it had gone very well and that He wanted to share with me. Due to our schedules, it took several hours before we had a chance to go over it.

Maximus had done a lot of work prior to the appointment to put together timelines and notes so He could explain to Fern His relationship history and the timeline of Ms. W within it. Much of the appointment, He shared, was Him going over this history. When He finished, Fern asked Him to share with her His feelings of these events rather than the timeline. At first, Maximus said He was kind of taken aback by this and had difficulty describing His emotions about His history. They spent quite a bit of time discussing the emotions He felt about JB and the breakup of their marriage, but nothing about Ms. W. After this discussion, Fern mentioned to Maximus that it seemed to her that i had not shared a lot of the details about this relationship with her and felt that perhaps Maximus had only shared the timeline of events rather than His feelings about the breakup with JB. She asked Maximus to consider sharing His feelings about the loss of His second marriage with me.

While Maximus was explaining His session and Fern’s request to me, i thought to myself, “Wow, how off-base was this session?” How have they so missed the mark?” And actually, i was kinda ticked off by this session because i truly understand the breakup of Maximus and JB, know every detail and emotion because Maximus HAS explained this very thoroughly with me. i have NO ISSUE at all with JB or Maximus’ emotions from the breakup or about her now. And i realized that the only time i had shared Maximus’ history with Fern was at my first session, which was a huge amount of me talking trying to get all of His and my relationship histories communicated to her. The rest of the sessions have focused on my rage response and unfinished emotional business from my previous marriages.

So i shared with Maximus, who wanted to go over His emotions about JB at this time, “i have no issue about JB and i have, what i think is, a thorough understanding of your emotions and feelings about the breakup of your relationship with her. The big issue is that i have no understanding whatsoever of your emotions and feelings toward Ms. W. And i’ve been asking for that for months. In fact, when i have asked you to explain your feelings toward her, you answer ‘I have no feelings about her. She’s taught me about birds, we’ve gone for hikes, but i have no feelings about her,’ and that has been extremely frustrating to me. Of course you have feelings about her, we all have feelings about everyone we encounter in our lives. You have feelings about The Englishman, You have feelings about SwimmerGuy. i feel that by telling me You have no feelings about Ms. W that you are evading the question and i feel frustrated and hurt by that.”

Maximus pondered this and then agreed, by way of an analogy about feelings about olives, that yes, we do have feelings and emotions about all people and things we encounter, emotional responses. And He realized that it was true, He had not answered my question about His feelings about Ms. W. And that He never understood why i kept asking the same question over and over as He thought He had answered it, but now realized that He never had. “I’ve been thinking you’ve been bat shit crazy asking me that over and over, and now I see why you’ve kept asking.”

So Maximus started in on His feelings about Ms. W. “I feel pain, anger, and guilt. And i feel support and friendship…” And then He continued on talking, and i needed to have Him explain these feelings as they were so radically spread out across the board from negative to positive feelings and i didn’t understand. Why does He feel anger and pain about her? So i stopped Him and asked Him to explain each feeling in detail as i needed to understand.

Maximus explained that He felt pain, anger, and guilt about Ms. W over the breakup of His marriage with JB. Pain, because He was deeply hurt by the breakup and angry about it. And He, “in the past,” felt an enourmous amount of guilt for introducing He and JB to Ms. W and Covert Ops, which led to the breakup of their marriage. “But I’ve worked through that, with the help of counselling, talking to Ms. W, The Englishman, and you, and that helped Me understand that I am not guilty and should not feel guilt about that. I don’t feel guilt anymore.”

“So what about support and friendship, then?” i inquired, “Explain that to me.” He responded that Ms. W and He had a common experience and shared information and supported each other during the divorce process. “I got a lot of support from her from the breakup until the spring, when you appeared in My life and grew to be more of my support than she was.”

“Ok,” i continued, “that’s all your feelings in the past. You’ve explained the pain, anger, and guilt you felt in the past at the time of the breakup, the support during the divorce process, but that doesn’t tell me how you feel about her NOW. How do you feel NOW?” Maximus went on to explain that He feels friendship, friendship of someone who has had a common experience, but that He does not and has never felt a connection with her, and has never felt love for her. “If I met her at a party and we started talking I would be bored. If she said, ‘Hey, we should get together and meet for coffee or drinks sometime’ and gave me her phone number, which she would never do, I would thank her for her number and say, ‘Sure, that’d be fun,’ but I’d never call her. I just don’t have a connection with her and never have.” He continued, “I have always struggled about not having an connection with Ms. W. I kept telling JB that I just didn’t feel any connection and she told me I needed to figure it out and ‘Don’t screw this up,’ so I just sucked it up for JB. And, as I’ve told you before, the sex is pedestrian, vanilla, boring.”

“So,” i replied, “would it be accurate, based upon what i am hearing you say, to say that You were taking one for the team with Ms. W?” Maximus exclaimed, “Yes!!! That’s exactly what it was!” And here is where i have my struggle and always have had. “So here is were i am completely confused in that, to me, Your words do not match Your behavior.” i continued, “You are no longer with JB….there is no team for You to take one for, yet You still have sex with Ms. W, which You describe as pedestrian and say You don’t enjoy; and you continue to do things with her, someone you don’t connect with. You don’t have repeat sexual encounters with anyone else that You’ve not enjoyed having sex with–only Ms. W. In fact, You did not enjoy sex with little e and have turned down play dates with her and Big E because of it. So to me, there has to be a reason, that You’re not telling me, some feeling, that makes You continue to engage in sexual activity that You have said over and over and over that You do not enjoy! Moreover, You tell me that there is no connection with her personality as well, that if You met her socially now, there would be no draw to her. This is the crux of my confusion, it makes no sense to me and makes me feel like You’re not being completely forthright about Your feelings about her. There has to be something that’s driving this, some feeling. What is this?”

Maximus replied, “you’re making me feel defensive about this.” And i responded, “Well, it’s not my intention to make You feel defensive, i’m just communicating how the incongruency of Your words and behavior make me feel. i’m sorry that it makes You feel defensive.” He then answered, “Well she calls me up and wants to fuck and she hasn’t got anyone else to fuck, so I do it. I don’t abandon people, you know that.” i replied, “That’s not Your responsibility. You don’t have to fuck her because she has no one else to fuck, that she’s not found anyone else to fuck. And she never will find anyone else to fuck as long as You continue to give her the impression that this is something you want and enjoy. You’re leading her on and it’s really inconsiderate, actually. She will never move on as long as this continues. Furthermore, i think You are doing this out of guilt, that while You say over and over that You no longer feel guilty, You are having sex with her to make up for the fact that You feel responsible, because of swinging, for the breakup of her marriage and You somehow owe it to her to make it up through sex. And as long as you continue to do this, she won’t be able to move on, You won’t be able to move on, and we won’t be able to move on. You aren’t abandoning her, You are allowing the friendship to take its natural course, honestly. Not having sex with her is not abandoning her.”

The phone was quiet for a moment and then Maximus said, “Oh My God, this is a break through. I’ve not considered this and I think you’re right. I’ve been saying over and over that I don’t feel guilty but my actions are saying it different. I am enabling her by doing this and that’s just wrong! I don’t enjoy sex with her, I don’t seek it out, but I am having sex, which I don’t enjoy, because she asks for it and I feel guilty. Oh My God. Here I’ve been thinking all along, why doesn’t gabriella get it, that i don’t have a connection with Ms. W, and now I get why you just haven’t gotten it. you must have been thinking, i love Him, i trust Him, but i just don’t get this, why is He acting this way?

And i responded that i had been trying to explain this for months. i’d ask Him to explain His feelings for Ms. W, get an evasive answer that He didn’t have feelings for her, try to explain my confusion, and getting nowhere, would eventually get so frustrated that i’d rage at Him. i just felt so frustrated and couldn’t articulate in a way that He understood. i got to feeling that He was avoiding answering or not being truthful about His true feelings for Ms. W and reverted back to the feelings I had during my relationship with OneGuy and his dishonesty and took it all out on Him. i’d try to be calm, but frustration took over and i exploded. That is why i raged every time we started talking about Ms. W. As he continued to insist that there was no connection with Ms. W, sexually or otherwise, it gave me an impression that His relationship was unconditional, that she could do no wrong and that there was a connection deeper than ours.

i also shared another thing that i had discovered about myself, and it wasn’t until i read The 5 Love Languages book that i realized this. Maximus, as a way of making up for His guilt in breaking up Ms. W’s marriage, would sneak food and money into Ms. W’s car and purse when she visited, as she had been forced out of her home by Covert Ops and JB and lived in a one room cabin with very little income. He felt responsible for that. He would also collect old magazines for her so she’d have something to read as she did not have internet or cable. i have felt jealous about his, especially the magazines, and it really bothered me that Him giving Ms. W old magazines made me feel jealous. Now i understand, though, that i was reacting to the feeling that those little gifts were gifts of love, as i was viewing them through the lens of my primary love language, when they were really gifts of enormous guilt. “Yes!” Maximus replied, “I was trying to repay her for the huge financial loss she had encumbered due to my breakup of their marriage! In fact, if she had asked for money, I would have gladly given it to her.”

We then reflected on what we had accomplished with this dialogue and how important it was. And we discussed the logistics of how Maximus was going to proceed with His friendship with Ms. W. “I can’t keep having sex with her, it’s just wrong to do that.” i shared that one of the reasons why it was so difficult for me to understand how Maximus could continue to have unenjoyable sex with Ms. W was because of a great non-sexual relationship i have with a couple i used to swing with, Crash and Double D. i had tried four separate times to have an enjoyable sexual encounter with him, and finally had to let them know that we weren’t going to be able to continue a sexual relationship together. We are wonderful friends, i’ve never had more devoted friends and their friendship means the world to me.

Maximus has asked for guidance from me on how to have the conversation with Ms. W about not continuing a sexual relationship with her. He is concerned that He will lose her friendship. And i shared with Him that honestly, He has no control over how she will respond to this, but He has to be true to Himself and her. That is what He owes her. i promised to work on writing down what i had said to Crash so Maximus has some ideas on what to say. In addition, Maximus will wait until she contacts Him again for another sexual encounter to have this discussion, in person, in private, not seek her out to tell her. They can remain friends, do things together, visit. We have both agreed that she can stay at His house, but not in the same bed together, as that would be midleading (Maximus’ words), and while she does do a good blow job, there can be no sexual contact, again, as it would cause confusion and hurt. And i trust Him in this. These were His plans and His decisions and i support Him in them.

i cannot entirely explain the relief from hurt i had from this dialogue. i have been carrying this confusion and pain of not understanding and not being able to articulate to Maximus in a way He could understand for months, since September, ten months, actually. It was like a sliver, something small that when brushed, even ever so slightly, caused pain and irritation and i just couldn’t dig it out to make it stop. Yesterday removed that splinter.

Maximus asked me to write this blog before His next session with Fern on Monday. i was absolutely emotionally spent after we were done and wasn’t sure i could write this, but today, i felt renewed. In fact, at the end of the conversation, Maximus said, while spent, He felt like an 11; i replied that if it wasn’t for being exhausted and having a headache, i’d be a 23. This blog is my act of service for Maximus, as i know that He really wanted a accounting of what happened, what was said, so He could refer to it as notes when recounting it to Fern. It was a pivotal dialogue.

Once He has His next session with Fern alone and we have our joint session this week, we really do think we will be done with this chapter. It has been a difficult one, a hard story, but one with many lessons. And i believe we are all the better for having gone through this. There is a reason we stayed with this, stayed with each other. It would have been easy to have just split, written us off as an incompatible relationship, me as some bat shit crazy chick and He as some philandering liar, and look back upon it as a failed relationship that ended in bad feelings. But it is always better to go with the difficult right than the easy wrong. We are stronger and closer because of it.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, honesty, relationship | Leave a comment

Our Book Club

Up Reading

OMG, so first of all, i ADORE the movie Up, from which this pic was taken. i love how Carl and Ellie loved each other and took care of each other. And i know it is a cartoon, but i always connected with the love and friendship and devotion they had for each other. So when i discovered this image when looking for something to use in this blog, i nearly teared up!

Maximus had a busy travel week, actually He’s had several busy travel weeks, with some extremely important corporate meetings. Generally, when He travels, He works on the plane, but He mentioned to me before He left that He was going to use this trip to read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman that i had blogged about in Translation!! Shhh, don’t tell anyone, but we share the same Kindle account so we can share books with each other! i hadn’t asked Him to do that and i really appreciated that He wanted to use His time on something for us.

When He landed after the first flight, He texted, “Wow. Read most of the book. It nailed us. Amazing. Thanks so much for sharing this. Have lots to talk about regarding the book. Lots of questions.” i was very excited about this! He nearly finished the rest of the book during his second flight and made a point to stay up very late, given the time zone differences between us, so we could discuss it. He had highlighted passages all throughout the book and i was able to follow along as He went through it section by section as His highlights showed up on my Kindle too!

Here are some of the passages Maximus connected with and some of our discussion about them:

We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment…I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.

We discussed letting bygones be bygones, both in experiences with previous relationships and in past resolved issues we have had with each other.

By “quality time,” I mean giving someone your undivided attention…When I sit with my wife and give her twenty minutes of my undivided attention and she does the same for me, we are giving each other twenty minutes of life. We will never have those twenty minutes again; we are giving our lives to each other. It is a powerful emotional communicator of love. It isn’t enough to just be in the same room with someone… A key ingredient in giving your spouse quality time is giving them focused attention…

Maximus made a commitment to better about not multi-tasking while we are talking, whether it be in person, over the phone, or via Skype. He does feel He does a good job at juggling other tasks while talking, but i feel He is distracted or that feels our discussion isn’t important enough to give His undivided attention to.

i also shared that when we are traveling, while we are sitting in an airplane at the gate or on the tarmac waiting to depart, i would prefer that He not play games or surf Twitter, etc., rather use the time to sit and talk. i’d not mentioned this to Him previously, but it has been something that’s bothered me when we’ve traveled together. i figured it was just habit from His frequent flying for work, and He concurred–it hadn’t even crossed His mind.

Recent research has indicated that the average individual listens for only seventeen seconds before interrupting.

We chuckled about this one. Maximus is learning to count seconds! And i’m paying more attention to not interrupting as well.

The “Babbling Brook.” For this personality, whatever enters into the eye gate or the ear gate comes out the mouth gate and there are seldom sixty seconds between the two. Whatever they see, whatever they hear, they tell.

Maximus is the poster child for the “Babbling Brook.” This is an area where we have had communication problems, in that He thinks aloud while talking in a conversation and i have gone along thinking a decision was made or a thought process completed and acted or responded accordingly, only to find that those were just thoughts and ideas, not the final product! i take things in and process them and then communicate final decisions or crafted responses–it is why i love writing so much, as i can dump ideas and then edit and move them around and fine tune them into a final product. Maximus is learning not to verbally dump, rather be more articulate, and i am learning to ask whether or not something is a thought in process or a final decision.

…establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them.

i have learned that Maximus really, really values hearing about my day and sharing all the things that he did during His. i have misunderstood the meaning of Maximus’ daily recounting–i took it as reasons He was too busy to talk. And many times, in addition, Maximus has been such a Babbling Brook about His day that by the time He’s gotten around to ask about mine, i’m just so overwhelmed by all His words that i minimize my response to a few sentences. We are both working to improve in this area.

Quality activities may include anything in which one or both of you have an interest. The emphasis is not on what you are doing but on why you are doing it. The purpose is to experience something together, to walk away from it feeling, “He cares about me. He was willing to do something with me that I enjoy, and he did it with a positive attitude.” That is love, and for some people it is love’s loudest voice…The essential ingredients in a quality activity are: (1) at least one of you wants to do it,(2) the other is willing to do it, and (3) both of you know why you are doing it–to express love by being together. One of the by-products of quality activities is that they provide a memory from which to draw in the years ahead.

We both feel that this is an area where we perform very well. We will use this as a springboard to improve other areas that need work.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or “She remembered me.” You must be thinking of someone to give him a gift. The gift itself is a symbol of that thought. It doesn’t matter whether it costs money. What is important is that you thought of him. And it is not the thought implanted only in the mind that counts but the thought expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as the expression of love.

…symbols have emotional value...If receiving gifts is my primary love language, I will place great value on the [wedding] ring you have given me and I will wear it with great pride. I will also be greatly moved emotionally by other gifts that you give through the years. I will see them as expressions of love. Without gifts as visual symbols, I may question your love.

Gifts come in all sizes, colors, and shapes. Some are expensive, and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts. the cost of the gift will matter little, unless it is greatly out of line with what you can afford. If a millionaire gives only one-dollar gifts regular, the spouse may question whether that is an expression of love. but when family finances are limited, a one-dollar gift may speak a million dollars’ worth of love…For the man who can afford it, you can purchase a beautiful card for less than five dollars. For the man who cannot, you can make one for free…If receiving gifts is his/her primary love language, almost anything you give will be received as an expression of love…You are investing in your relationship and filling your spouse’s emotional love tank, and with a full love tank, he or she will likely reciprocate emotional love to you in a language you will understand.

We had a lot of discussion about gifts, as it is my primary love language, and an area we have been miscommunicating in. i truly connect with the feeling that a gift shows that someone what thinking about you. This has been a topic of several discussions, disagreements, and dialogues, in that i just felt forgotten by Maximus. Most times, the gift i most wanted was a text that He was thinking about me, as simple as that. Other times, Maximus has mentioned He was going out to look for a gift for me, but then no gift ever appeared and it left me wondering what i had done to not deserve the gift He said He was shopping for. Or moreover, He would send me pictures of gifts that i never received. It was very confusing to me and i have felt hurt many times over it.

i did not understand my feelings about desiring gifts until i read this book. Because of this, i was embarrassed by wanting symbols or tokens of affection, thinking it would make me appear materialistic, which i absolutely am not. So, to temper this, i have told Maximus not to buy me expensive gifts, that i didn’t want them. But then i resented that i did not get anything! It’s not that i need expensive gifts, i just feel special and thought of when i receive a token of affection. It makes me feel special, and it’s ok to acknowledge that. Maximus has wanted nothing more than to give me gifts, but i have communicated to Him not to. He is excited to be able to follow His instinct now.

As my love language is gifts, i have been communicating my love Maximus by giving gifts to Him–but that is His least desired love language! So the ring i gave Him, meant the world to me, a symbol of my love for Him to wear, but did not have the same impact on Him. He now understands why i found it so devastating when He’d removed the ring after my last rage event–i was crushed by the symbolism that told me He no longer loved me, which was not the case at all. To Him, it was a ring. To me, it was my heart.

Physical presence in a time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your souse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol and the sense of love evaporates.

Huge revelation here for Maximus! One of my rage events stemmed around Maximus’ decision to come be with me after my grandmother passed away. He never thought for a minute about not going, but His Babbling Brook communication led me to believe that He was questioning going and was too busy to take the time to be there for me. This was a big eye-opener for Him.

Acts of service…doing things you know your spouse would like you to do. You seek to please her by serving her, to express your love for her by doing things for her.

This is Maximus’ primary love language. Now, i have been communicating to Maximus in what i thought were gifts: making meals, sewing a quilt, redecorating His home, painting, but it turns out, those really aren’t gifts, those are acts of service. To me, it was a gift of my time, energy, and expertise–to Him, they were actions that showed true love.

What is very interesting is that my submission in our D/s relationship is an act of service! Maximus feel immense love from this. What’s even more interesting is that i have felt it was my gift to Him–it’s even reflected in the name of my blog!

We really had a great conversation about this book. In fact, it met both of our primary love languages…a gift of His time to go through the book and share passages of meaning, quality “us” time, and an act of service from me to find something that would be so helpful for Him in our relationship. We have talked a lot about the information in this book and have employed a lot of the techniques and suggestions in it. And i got flowers delivered–the first time EVER any man has sent me flowers! It was heavenly and i’m still walking on air about them! Talk about a full love tank!

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, relationship, relationship needs, The 5 Love Languages, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

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