relationship needs

Courage

A quote i read this morning:

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

i thought that was very encouraging. As Maximus noted last night, someday this will just be a blip and nothing more. It feels like a crater now, time and distance will lessen the impact on the topography and it’s good to remember that.

i just got back from my first counseling session. i am very, very pleased with the counselor (i’m going to call her Fern). i can’t even remember what web directory i found her on, i had done many, many searches for kink-friendly counselors in the Portland/Seattle area and she came up. In fact, it was because of her notation on her website that she did Skype sessions that i ever considered adding Skype-capability to my list of requirements. The amazing thing, that i learned partway through my long introduction with her, is that she is in an open relationship with her husband, that they had incredible difficulties in their marriage at one point that included her raging. They were separated for nearly a year while she and they worked on their relationship and her raging. And, they are in a D/s relationship where she is submissive. i just wanted to hug her when she shared that with me. i feel very comfortable with her.

Most of the session was me telling my story, introducing myself and Maximus. She did share how raging is actually a physiological process, not only an emotional process, in that when you first start raging, you build neuropathways in your brain; future triggers or perceived risks then fire those neuropathways involuntarily, which is why often a person who rages feels they cannot stop the rage from starting–because the body has taken over automatically. This happens even if the person is not longer in the situation or relationship where they formed the neural pathways, because they have been formed and an easier path to travel than new pathways. Additionally, the triggers are related to the fight in “fight or flight,” in that it in response to some deep survival need, such as love, belonging, respect, that the person unconsciously fears is being threatened. So, we are going to be working on reprogramming my neural pathways away from raging and delving into what survival needs i feel are threatened. She is going to be using Imago Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well.

i am very encouraged. She was encouraged by my openness and honesty in sharing my story and issues and by all the work i’ve done so far. She is also pleased that Maximus is involved and that He is willing to be involved in the counseling sessions as well, both solo and as a couple. She asked that i journal about my feelings so we can work on triggers and survival needs, and we discussed how i am already journlling and will continue to do that. I will bring bullet points of my entries rather than pages and pages like i sent her already!

i have my next appointment Friday afternoon. i’m looking forward to it.

On a side note, i saw this today and oh, if it was only that simple!!

if shes freaking out

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling, honesty, insecurities, rage, relationship needs | Tags: | Leave a comment

Greetings

goodmorninggoodnight

An early posting today. i’m still doing good, just had a realization about something.

i miss our Good Night and Good Morning texts the most of everything, whether spontaneous or in reply. i have always cherished them and am grieving their loss right now. i’m not angry about it, not out of control, not crying, just feeling.

i am trusting they will return as we rebuild. They are important to me, a touchstone, a connection through the miles in our distance relationship where we cannot physically kiss each other awake or asleep, a start or closing of our day together.

expressing love

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, honesty, missing, relationship needs, togetherness | Leave a comment

Shame-Based Rage

Image

The last type of rage i experience is Shame-Based Rage. This is to a lesser extent, and related to the shame i feel after the times i have exploded in sudden abandonment rage. i get horribly embarrassed and feel humiliated by my actions, beat myself up internally. Only once has this been the sole type of rage event for me, but it is a secondary issue in episodes of Abandonment Rage.

Shame is both a feeling and a belief. It is an unpleasant feeling of being totally exposed to people’s criticism, where the person  can come to believe that they are somehow defective, broken, flawed, damaged. The instinctive reaction to a moment of shame is to flee, run away, or hide, to become invisible so no one can see your flaws. While running away makes the person feel safer, it triggers a self-defeating spiral where they feel additional shame for fleeing. However, in shame-rage, the person tries to get rid of the feeling of shame by giving it to someone else–dumping all their anger on someone else.

The time i experienced Shame-based rage was during a dinner with Maximus and The Englishman. Maximus and i had confided in The Englishman about our relationship and difficulties i was having as he had overheard a Skype episode where i had raged at Maximus in December. The Englishman started to, what i perceived, lecture me in front of Maximus about how i needed to trust Him and that He loved me, something we had worked out. The Englishman didn’t have all the information and i felt i needed to defend myself from this onslaught, ambushed. i started to feel my emotions take over and in effort to calm down and not rage, i excused myself to the car to breathe. As i was sitting in the parking lot, a man from an adjacent car started banging on the car window and yelling at me, i have no idea why. i locked my door, put my face in my lap and he went away. Soon i heard the driver’s door open. i assumed it was Maximus, so i sat up and leaned into Him for Him to hold me–however, when i opened my eyes, i saw it was The Englishman and i exploded inside, felt invaded in my safe place. i yelled for him to leave me alone, ran out of the car and ran down the street. i ran and ran and ran. i was angry at Maximus for sending him out to me–my assumption as to what happened. Eventually i settled down and decided to go back to the car, however, when i returned, Maximus and The Englishman started yelling at me from the restaurant entrance. As i didn’t want to see The Englishman again at that moment, i tossed my stilettos and beautiful necklace Maximus had purchased for me at the car and ran away again. i tried to get a cab from an auto shop to go home as i had left my cell phone in Maximus’ car, but they never called one for me. Eventually i returned to the restaurant where Maximus tracked me down in His car, frantically searching the area for me, and i got into His car only when The Englishman left to another restaurant. i was furious with Maximus, thinking He’d sent The Englishman to shame me more, accused Him of sending “a rapist to rape me some more!”, screaming at Him. At one point i ran from the car, telling Him i was going Home and we were done. After i sat and breathed for a few moments, i returned to the car and He drove me home.

At those moments, all i want to do is run. Run fast, far, away from my shame, away from the hurt, away from, what i feel, are critical eyes, embarrassed, humiliated.

9 Steps to Tame Shame-Based Rage

1. Make a strong commitment right now to gain control over shame-based rage.

I’m so there!

i, gabriella, promise today to quit raging. Specifically, i will refrain from raging against anybody, especially the people i love. If i feel personally shamed by something others say or do, i will step away until i gain control over my urge to attack. i will use no excuses to justify shaming, blaming, or treating others with contempt.

Part of this is that during discussions or when i feel overwhelming emotions starting to build, i need to let Maximus know that i need a break. There are times that i have run away without telling Him this and walk away, which prompts Him to ask me to come back and not walk away from Him–i usually return and fail to tell Him i’m needing a break, which further accelerates the situation. i have to own my commitment to communicate my needs.

2. Follow the shame-rage trail back to your own shameful thoughts and feelings.

These are not caused by what someone else says, even though it feels like it, it is based upon what is going on inside my head. No one’s blaming me, they are discussing things because they care, so don’t take this personally. This will be extremely important as i work to eliminate raging as it will require me to discuss these things with Maximus, with a counselor, and with the two of them together–i will feel intense shame, guilt, remorse, and i need to manage that without letting it take me over.

3. Discover how you temporarily get rid of your shame by raging.

My shame gets aimed at Maximus. When i had the episode with The Englishman, i blamed Maximus for allowing The Englishman to ambush me, which was not true. He never sent The Englishman out, He was stuck inside the restaurant trying to figure out what was happening and trying to pay the bill for a very expensive dinner we had ordered. He could not run out after The Englishman, He could not go out to me until He had dealt with the bill.

During episodes of abandonment rage, i call Him the things my shame was telling myself about me. i’m attacking Him as if He is my shame.

4. Reclaim your shame to break the shame-rage connection.

i have to accept that i feel shameful, that i have behaved in a manner that is causing me to feel embarrassed and humiliated in front of the person i love. i need to own it and i need to deal with the abandonment issues that trigger the raging that makes me feel ashamed.

5. Challenge the validity of the five core shame messages.

It’s time to replace negative self-talk with healing thoughts. Change:

  • “i am no good” to “i am good.”
  • “i am not good enough” to “i am good enough.”
  • “i am unlovable” to “i am loved and lovable.”
  • “i don’t belong” to “i belong.”
  • “i should not exist” to “i am.”

i need to be patient and kind to myself in this process. It is already a bit of a struggle here because as i have wounded Maximus so deeply and He feels poisoned, He has pulled back from me, which i have focused on as humiliating. This has changed our communication patterns dramatically, as text messages and phone calls have drastically reduced, bringing up feelings of loss, memories of abandonment in past relationships, and is extremely uncomfortable. it is easy for the self-talk of, “look what you’ve done” to start and i have fear in feeling emotions right now. i am so afraid of having another raging episode that i fear my feelings, wishing i could will them away, but realizing that it is natural and normal to have emotions, i just need to deal with them effectively. Healing self-talk during these times has been helpful.

6. Treat others with respect and dignity at all times.

This has a lot to due with the last paragraph. i have wounded Maximus; He is feeling pain and loss too, trying to both heal and protect Himself. i need to respect what He needs and realize that He’s not doing that to hurt me back. i respect that He is still here, that He did not end our relationship, and i give Him the benefit of the doubt. i will use the little things that return and celebrate them.

Potter-Efron suggests the Five As for ways to be respectful:

Attend: Take time to really listen and give complete attention.

Appreciate: Like what Maximus does and how He does things.

Accept: Maximus does not have to change, He’s okay how He is.

Admire: i can learn from Maximus. He does things with grace and skill. He has dealt with past abandonment which, in many ways, were so much worse than i encountered, and doesn’t resort to raging. i admire that and wish to learn from Him.

Affirm: i am so happy that Maximus is part of my life. i cannot imagine my life without Him. i want to celebrate our lives together and embrace GOT every day.

7. Give praise instead of criticism.

i will stop looking for something wrong. i will notice thoughtfulness, creativity, generosity, appearance, individuality, intelligence, and accomplishments and then give praise for it.

8. Surround yourself with people who treat you respectfully.

i do this and will continue to do this.

9. Watch for relapse signs that your shame rage is getting out of control.

i will monitor the self-talk and the feelings of anxiety that come with dealing with the aftermath of these raging incidents. When i feel them growing beyond simple emotional responses, i will work to calm myself down, breathe, not let the emotions go out of control, take a time out, ask for space, do something else to occupy my mind and feel fulfilled.

And never, never give up on myself. i can do this.

Believe that we will heal. Believe that we will be stronger together. Be patient in the process.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, fear, rage, relationship needs | 1 Comment

Whooped

whooped

i am emotionally whooped, exhausted, spent. Have had too many emotional events in the past couple of weeks. What i really need is to crawl into Maximus’ arms and have Him hold onto me. Three days, and i can. For now, i have texts, which help.

How are you today? Need to make sure you are in a better place. Emotionally speaking.

Yesterday’s blog post was emotional, but i got over that. It was important to discuss and is something i need to do, dropping or pulling up my anchor on my fear. But soon after that, i had something that knocked me over.

Maximus and i have had plans to go on a beach trip to the Oregon coast with several friends in the swinging lifestyle. This is a group of friends that have been together for years and is the group Maximus and i met each other through. These are some of my best friends and we’ve been wanting to do a beach trip for a long time. We’ve juggled our schedules, house is rented, weather is going to be fantastic, and we’ll all set with our giant Nebuchadnezzar bottle of wine to celebrate the occasion.

There are two couples coming who we’d not met before. Yesterday one of them sent an introduction and included their profile names in two lifestyle websites. Maximus sent them a note in one of the accounts and we got a friend request back. i went in and suddenly realized, when i saw one of their pictures, that they are best fuck friends with my ex-husband, One Guy, and his new girlfriend. i suddenly got sick to my stomach. i texted Maximus

Oh no oh no oh no! That couple of Slim and Marilyn’s are best couple fuck friends with One Guy and his girlfriend!

Maximus was extremely supportive. He just could not imagine going to an event where His exes best fuck friends were going to be as well. There’s no way we could be ourselves, feeling like everything was going to be reported back. It would be miserable. Neither of us wants information going back to our exes. In addition, having sex with them was out of the question, it would feel like a huge betrayal to us, like fucking our exes.

So we decided to back out of the party. i got a hold of Slim and Marilyn and explained the situation. They did not realize the connection and felt bad about it, but totally understood. They wanted to uninvite the other couple, but i declined that, it seemed rude to me. i asked them not to tell this couple why we were not coming, but Maximus agreed to share this with our close friends who usually host the parties so we don’t have to have encounters with this couple again.

This rocked me hard. i’m just irritated that my ex, who i’ve not been together with for almost three years, is messing up plans with my best friends. And i just didn’t have the capacity right now for this. This was going to be an escape, a time to relax with friends.

Maximus and i will spend much needed time together though, which we need, which i need. i don’t mean to diminish that. He is the thing i need the most. We will play, work on painting our new dungeon room, go out for a special dinner that i’ve wanted to take Him out at, and we’re going to KinkFest, our first ever BDSM convention. We’ve been totally looking forward to that.

Last night i realized that our contract was set to expire at the end of April. How has six months gone so quickly? i was going through the last amended version and our BDSM Activities List and realize just how much we’ve grown, how much we’ve experienced, and how our boundaries have expanded. i am truly grateful for us. i mentioned the expiration to Maximus and that i’d like to continue the contract. He said He would like to as well. And added that we should sign in Hawaii when we go there in three weeks. i love this idea. A beach, with Maximus, and our continued commitment.

But first, three days, then i get my energy boost. Don’t they call the apparatus that you set cordless rechargeable phones into charging cradles? That’s what i need, Maximus, my charging cradle.

Categories: lifestyle, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

Repairing

bandaid heartBeing broken is not the correct path for us.

i realized that i was spinning out of control and i needed it to stop. i had been reactionary due to too many things piling up at once…not an excuse, but something i needed to realize and address. It was like i was on one of those gimbal ring devices that they use to train astronauts in reorientation from yaw, pitch, and roll spins. my attempts at corrections threw me into spins in different directions and i desperately needed to get this under control. Under normal circumstances, without my grandmother dying, my mom needing assistance, trepidation over a difficult race after my recent illness, i would have been able to cope, or at least been able to stop and say, i don’t have the capacity to deal with this right now without becoming over-emotional. But it wasn’t a normal circumstance and i lost it.

What did i really need? What had really been the thing that upset me?

i needed to let Maximus know i felt hurt by what He told Swimmer Guy about why He needed to cancel their dinner. i needed an apology for that. i needed Maximus and i to be back together. i needed to know that i would not be a subject of a untruth again. With that, i could wait for His divorce to be finalized.

i left Maximus a voicemail and then He called me. i explained i had been spinning out of control, unable to cope and making poor decisions because of it. i apologized. And i asked for an apology, which He gave (noting that He’d already apologized countless times for His admitted mistake). He shared something that He’d not articulated before today; His bosses reaction when He called to cancel His trip to California for my grandmother’s funeral had surprised Him, in that he was very concerned that Maximus’ divorce was not final yet and that our relationship being public could hinder the process. This caused Him to rethink His plan on telling people now. i respect this and will honor that, knowing now WHY His position seemed to be so strong now, stronger than before. And we agreed to not be broken.

This is the right thing. We’ve both been affected emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually to this event. We’re not eating or exercising, going manic in efforts to drown out these feelings. It had to stop. It has.

i hope to NEVER have this perfect storm ever again.

i love you, Maximus, and apologize from the bottom of my bandaged heart to your bruised one. And we are moving on, together.

And also, note, i’m trying a new platform…i think this will be better!

Categories: anger, BDSM relationship, communication, honesty, insecurities, relationship needs | Leave a comment

i’m Not Her…

The day after our wonderful dinner, presents, and play, Maximus and i headed to the San Juan Islands to continue our belated Valentine’s Day weekend. The San Juans are a group of islands between Washington State and Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. They are absolutely beautiful and neither of us had been there for years and years.

To get to the San Juans from Seattle, you take a ferry out of Anacortes, Washington, about an hour and a half north. We took back roads and stopped in little towns along the way to shop and eat. While Maximus was driving, i offered to read aloud from Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships, by Dan and dawn Williams of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast. We both love Dan and dawn’s podcasts and enjoy discussing things we hear from them–they bring up a lot of great topics for us to discuss, many of which we haven’t thought of. The book was no different and we had many revelations!

Here are some things we discussed and learned:

  • While our initial intention was to just do D/s in the bedroom, it has grown to encompass our entire relationship. Originally, we were under the impression that D/s had to be very strict and required the sub to be very constricted, chained and without freedom. But what we’ve come to understand is that there are any levels of D/s and each relationship seeks its own level. i prefer to be submissive to Maximus, it pleases me to serve Him and give myself to His pleasure and needs, and to follow His leadership. It is important to Maximus that i have free will, but He enjoys being Dominant in the relationship, being the final decision-maker, receiving the gifts of my submission, and being responsible for my well-being. i need someone i can surrender to, someone strong enough to handle that. Mutual respect is huge in our relationship. 

Our Total Power Exchange relationship is not anyone else’s Total Power Exchange relationship, and that is exactly how it should be. This does not make our D/s relationship any less or more than anyone else’s–it’s ours and that’s what matters.

  • Living D/s allows us to be completely authentic. Both of us have had two failed marriages each, that’s four failed relationships. And what’s very interesting is that our pathway through our marriage histories are very similar. For both of us, we were not our authentic selves in our first marriages, we had outside relationships looking to fill voids we felt in our marriages, for a variety of reasons. Interestingly, our first marriages were the longest. In our second marriages, we thought we were being authentic and thought our spouses were being authentic as well, but we discovered otherwise. 

Maximus and i have shared everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i have shared with Him things i never, ever wanted anyone else to know about me, especially my relationship partner(s); He has done the same. These communications are often painful and embarrassing, but freeing and has grown our trust with each other. Not only do we still love each other after learning about our truths, we love each other more for it.  

  • We both need love to be a part of our Total Power Exchange relationship. And this love needs to be monogamous. i have never been able to surrender to anyone as i do with Maximus, and this is due to the trust and love we have. While we are swingers and play with many others, together and separately, we separate sex and love, and sex with others is simply that, sex, not love. We have both struggled, and have had serious conflict in our relationship and with past relationships, with the concept of polyamory, to the point where i have become angry jealous over a misconception that Maximus was in love with another woman. Neither of us can do polyamory. 

Maximus’ previous marriage evolved into polyamorous situations, not necessarily intentionally, but not discouraged when it happened. It started out as Maximus encouraging JB to have swinging relationships to spend time with while He traveled so much for business and left her home alone. When she confessed to falling in love with these individuals and expressed desires to investigate that more, Maximus did not discourage this. This occurred multiple times and eventually led to the breakup of their marriage. Maximus did not engage in the same pursuit and these were V-polyamorous relationships in that Maximus and JB were married, JB and the other male had a love-relationship, but Maximus and the other male were not connected. JB had tried to get Maximus to engage one of her love interest’s wives into a poly relationship, but this did not happen.

Maximus thought that JB was being honest with Him about these relationships and didn’t think they risked the demise of their primary relationship as she insisted that wasn’t the case. Because she wasn’t truthful and it blindsided Him, Maximus has developed a fear of me leaving Him, thus the rule in our contract that we only sleep with each other. Through our discussions about our relationship and fears, etc., Maximus has come to realize that i’m not her–and this is a HUGE revelation for us. We discussed it and are amending our contact accordingly to reflect this.

  • We both thrive in an authentic, honest, over-communicated relationship. And we expect this of each other. Dan and dawn describe the chess game in their previous relationships, how interactions/decisions were win-lose; actions and communications were made by consciously deciding what you were willing to give up in order to get your way with something else. We both could so relate to this and absolutely abhor the chess game we’ve had to endure in our past relationships. We don’t ever have to strategize. When we discuss something, we don’t have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive and can trust that their answer is honest.
  • While we do trust each other completely, thrive in an environment of complete and total communication, we have had some complete breakdowns in communication, full of conflict, hurt, and disrespect. 

Now, if you’re familiar with group dynamic theory, you are familiar with the concepts of Forming-Storming-Norming-Performing. Forming is just selecting the group and in our case, is finding each other and transforming into a committed relationship. Storming is that necessary time in developing a group, any sized group, where they work out group function, mores, communication styles, discover their differences, and where different ideas compete for consideration. It can be contentious and full of conflict, and for the group to succeed, they must struggle through it. In the Norming stage, the group, through storming, has developed their goals and plans and know how all individuals work together. Finally, in Performing, the group functions smoothly, has developed decision-making processes, and deals with conflict without dissent. The group can revert back to previous stages by external influences and have to go through the process as they react to changing circumstances.

i can see this cycle in our relationship. While conflict is painful, it is so necessary. i know that Maximus would prefer not to have the conflict that occurs in the Storming phase. We have talked a lot about this and how to communicate to avoid this conflict. But, we have learned so much and grown so much from these conflicts that they really were necessary evils. i believe Maximus’ fear is that this will be the norm for how we deal with conflict–i know that this is part of our development and we are moving, if not already have moved, to the Norming and Performing stages of our relationship.

Dan and dawn discuss Porch Time in their book and on their podcasts. Porch Time can be called by any partner to move out onto the porch and have a neutral space to express themselves without the hierarchy constraints of D/s or be punished for what or how things are expressed. This is the last resort where all other avenues of congenial communication have broken down. They have used this only a few times in their long relationship.

Maximus asked me to listen to their podcast about Porch Time and we discussed it several weeks ago and then discussed it again when i read this chapter. What was fascinating was that Maximus felt that Porch Time was a place where you took notice that the other person had something very critical to talk about and would do it in a constructive manner with, “i feel..”, or “i would like…”, etc, not the intention of Porch Time where you had a highly heated, no-holds-barred, verbal fight that could include all those horrible disrespectful things like name-calling. It’s the “I/i can’t take it anymore” explosion. Neither of us want Porch Time to be our main means of communication, and it shouldn’t be! Dan and dawn weren’t presenting it as such. What’s important is that in the few times that communication fails completely and You/you are at Your/your wits end, you have a place without judgment or repercussions to speak freely and fully honestly, in whatever ugly face that has. The goal is to not have to ever have to use the porch and to use effective communication to resolve conflict, but the porch is there.

When i realized that Maximus and i weren’t understanding the Porch Time concept in the same way, i decided to use a sports analogy. Picture a basketball game where your normally even-keeled, level-headed player is having a bad game, acting out, getting personal fouls, behaving unsportsmanlike and really destroying everyone’s game. What does the coach do? They pull them out of the game, or maybe they got thrown out of the game by a third-party referee. Does the coach confront them right there on the sidelines, no, what do they say? “Take it to the Locker Room!” and they have it out there. It’s not pretty, it’s bare and raw and emotional. It gets it all out. Is this how you normally deal with your basketball player? Heavens No! Do you ever even WANT to go through this? No! This is how you flush out this bad behavior, blow out the steam. Normally you coach and build relationships. This is the last resort and the intention is to be perfectly blunt about this player’s destructive behavior, hope it gets it all out and resolved so they go back to being the high-performing, well-behaved team player next game. Maximus totally got this and was very relieved to understand that this method of communication was a last resort, not the normal means of communicating. So for us, we have Take it to the Locker Room, instead of Porch Time, and we hope to never have to use it, but we know it’s there should it be necessary.

  • We love the sexual aspect of our D/s relationship. i love being the slut Maximus desires and will do anything to please Him in this way. We both love searching for my limits. Is sex our relationship? NO! Maximus is 21 years older than i am and He honestly expressed His feelings about what happens when He’s 70, 80, 90 and how we deal with the sexual aspect of our relationship.

We both love being at swingers events and hearing our partner having sex with another person. We know the sounds, giggle at the reactions the other person has at what our partner loves to do. We come and watch, we participate. He loves nothing more than to direct me to do things with others. This direction is often more sexual for Maximus than actually having sexual intercourse. In fact, us alone together, with the BDSM components of our sexual play from the scenes He creates, can be more sexually satisfying than intercourse for Maximus. Direction even includes Him directing scenes involving others, setting up scenes at a distance for me to comply with. Beyond this, Maximus loves hearing me tell Him the details of my sexual encounters with others, in descriptive detail, and even watching via Skype or Facetime.

  • Discipline is one aspects of our D/s relationship that may differ from many other D/s relationships. And i don’t mean that we lack discipline, but that physical discipline is not a major component of our relationship. i am very sensitive to disappointing anyone, especially Maximus, so it is difficult for Maximus to add insult to injury by disciplining me harshly. My training is accomplished though meeting His expectations, achieving goals, and being coached to accomplish them or learn from missing the mark. i enjoy being physically spanked, flogged, cropped, so these traditionally physical punishments are not effective for me. This difference in our relationship made us feel that perhaps we were not following the rules of D/s, but we understand better now that this is just our way.

This is as far as we got through the book. We will definitely continue this process when we are together as it is fascinating and so helpful. We did have some awesome further revelations this weekend that were not related to the readings from Living M/s and will be the topic of my next blog post.

While the revelation that i am not JB is not the theme of this post, Maximus felt it was so huge that He asked that i use this as the title when i blogged about it. i find it fascinating that something that most people fear, kinky, power exchange, BDSM relationships, can be so revealing and freeing. For us, D/s helps us confront and deal with our fears, the same fears that are often present in vanilla relationships, such as abandonment, and does this so much more effectively, for us, than in traditional relationships.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM podcasts, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dan and dawn, discipine, Dom/sub, Erotic Awakening, Living M/s, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle, Total Power Exchange | Leave a comment

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

The Necessity of Gabbing

Gabbing, talking, sharing, conversing, COMMUNICATING…there are few things more important than that in any relationship. Invaluable. Priceless. Critical.

i came up to Maximus’ yesterday, not for the purpose of dealing with my batshit outburst, but as part of a previously planned trip to support Him during a difficult time, his divorce mediation the end of this week. i was pretty terrified about coming up. i actually imagined that i’d walk in and find Maximus and The Englishman sitting in His living room waiting and asking me to leave when i walked in. They weren’t, they didn’t.

This wasn’t the time to talk about what happened or my jealousy. But we ended up talking about it anyway. And i think we are both relieved about it. It took hours, in bed, late. It was time and energy Maximus didn’t have in reserve to spend, yet He did, despite my pleas for Him to stop and sleep. It wasn’t that i was refusing to talk about it, i didn’t want to again be a distraction and i wanted Him to get some rest.

It’s not the final talk, but it cut a ton of tension, and we had some epiphanies. First, Maximus could not understand why i could not see how different He was with me than He was with Ms. W since everyone else could see that. i can’t see that, it’s not possible as i am never around when He’s with her, while those people are. In the absence of that, my fear made up a ridiculously inflated false reality of who they are together. Second, during the course of the conversation, Maximus was discussing something and mentioned, if not for the affair of JB and Covert Ops, Ms. W would have been someone He would have met and not seen again, that she is not someone He would have pursued a relationship with. The situation of the affair, impending divorces, and shared experience have brought them into a friendship of support. It never was a love interest. i did not know this, never realized this.

As the old saying goes, Assume makes an Ass out of u and me.” i’m not going to blame this on either one of us making assumptions–but it illustrates the importance of communicating, asking, listening, and not making up realities out of incomplete information. We have more to work on, i have more to work on. While i feel relieved and it makes me want to think the jealousy is gone, i will be realistic and agree with Maximus that we have work to do on my feelings of jealousy. And while i’m embarrassed to have the man i love point that out to me, i am deeply moved by His concern and commitment to this internal issue of mine, especially since it reared its ugly head so explosively toward Him. I think most men, most people, would put up walls and expect the person feeling the emotion to deal with it independently, as if to say, come see me when you’ve got this thing of yours figured out. i hold a great deal of gratitude and indebtedness that Maximus is wanting to help me with this. Don’t get me wrong, this is my issue that i have to ultimately deal with, but it is helpful to have someone there supporting me while i do it.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, communication, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

GOT

Maximus created something in His heart for us months and months ago to describe to me His intensions, His feelings, His committment, and that is GOT. i think i’ve mentioned GOT in several posts but had never described it, feeling it was too personal to share outside the two of us, but i need to describe it now for this post.

GOT is “Growing Old Together.” It is a shared vision of ours, from Maximus’ heart to mine, that is the answer to any question i may ever have–when i remember to answer my questions with it. And you may remember that i struggled with GOT initially, especially in Fight #1 of the Battling it Out post. i’ve not had anyone ever promise to stay until the end actually stay to the end, so this takes a lot for me. i trust Maximus with all my heart, and i do believe Him, i just have flashes of things from previous relationships that cause me worry–and they’re things about me and my personality that make me question His ability to stay with me, not the other way around. i’m not easy and i know that.

My last post, Humor, the Double-edged Sword, ended with that. i’ve been sick, Maximus has been traveling, i’m feeling off-sorts all over. He sent me an email to tell me what a nice job i’d done on my blog post and that He knew it was difficult to write. All i could focus on was that He didn’t mention all the questions at the end as i had sent myself reeling with them. He texted later and i told Him i was having a hard time after writing the blog, that it brought more questions than answers. He replied, “Easy answer for me. GOT.”

But i feel i’m going to destroy this wonderful thing we have. “I’m just having a hard time worried that you’ve picked me and i’m bad news.”

“Funny. You are not able to do that. Funny. If you fully understand GOT and you do, then its not possible. So so easy to answer. GOT. Explain that. That is my answer.” He replied

There were some other exchanges of mine, trying to justify my concerns, which ended with His text, “So no more thinking you are going to mess this up. I’m going to write above your ass GOT.”

“GOT” was my answer. To which He responded, “Perfect and only answer.”

He Skyped later and we talked more. Well, He talked to me about how adorable He finds it that an highly educated, intelligent, beautiful woman could over-analyze herself into Analysis Paralysis. He does understand my history and understands how things can flash us back to past hurtful memories, but they are just that, past hurtful memories and not now. And He’s right, at no time in my past have i had a relationship like this, fully trusting with such complete and honest communication that has no recoil. None of our conversations, none of our fears have ever been used as ammunition as they have in previous relationships–this is not previous or past, this is now, this is GOT.

Again, a posting from Tarq from Whips, Chains, & Duct Tape

A True Master will fight for his submissive. He will not give up on her. He will seek her face to fill his day with happiness. When she falls in the darkest times of her life, He will go anywhere needed to bring her back–He wouldn’t care how much it will take, but He will get his girl back no matter what. If she is lost …He will guide her through the darkness. If she is in danger He will be her bodyguard. If she is sad…He will be her smiles that adorn her lips. If she is happy…He will be sharing the joy with her. When she loses her faith…He will be her bible that she can hold into.  If she lost her trust on the world…He will be her world. His eyes will show how determined He is, His spirit is not going to be defeated. Giving up on her is not even an option, she is going to be cherished, protected, disciplined, guided, and loved. No matter the obstacles along the way, no matter the people that will try to destroy what they have, no matter how life is pushing back…everything will be shattered on the strength of His willpower and His strong heart that will look to the whole world in the eye and say “I will stand by My girl and will be there for her no matter what.”

Maximus is a True Master. my GOT. my answer.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | 1 Comment

Humor, the Double-edged Sword

It’s been a very emotional week, full of highs and lows, and yes, some conflict. While i know i’ve said that healthy conflict is good, that it causes people to learn and grow, i’m feeling weary of it today. It’s probably due to being sick with tonsillitis, i’m exhausted.

Maximus came down this weekend, which was wonderful. We had a marvelous time! i haven’t blogged about that yet because i’ve been too tired to write, and now we’ve had some conflict and i need to write about that too. So i’m going to write about the conflict first and get it out of my system.

Last night Maximus had a dinner date with Lele–totally cool. He and Lele have been friends for years, played together with their respective spouses. Lele has been a great friend to Maximus during His divorce and He to her with some relationship issues she’s been having. They’ve not slept together for some time. She has, however, used His house to be with lovers when He was away. He and Lele have been talking about throwing a play party at Maximus’ house.

During dinner, i got a text from Maximus that as He predicted, Lele had decided to leave her husband. He added, “she is also getting into BDSM, too funny. I told her about you. She’s in the bathroom so will talk more later.” It was really so nice to hear from Maximus that He’d told Lele about me, as our relationship has been under wraps until recently due to divorce issues. i looked forward to hearing from Him later.

He texted again asking about the availability of two weekends in January for the play party. We settled on a date and exchanged my contact info with Lele so we could chat. When they were done, He texted that He had some errands to run but “lots to share” and would call me as soon as He was done running around.

An hour later, i got a picture text of something black on white marble that i couldn’t recognize that said simply, “trophy.”

 i replied, “Don’t understand.”

Maximus wrote back, “No sex but I got her underwear. Dom move. hehe.”

i felt my blood instantly drain. Dom move?!? She tells Him at dinner she’s into BDSM and He’s now Domming her?!? This violates one of the first rules in our contract–i am His only sub!

“YOU ARE NOT HER DOM,” i texted back furiously. i had inquired where that picture was taken and He’d replied, Crate and Barrel.

“Yes, my bad. Wrong very wrong term. Will explain in the car in a few mins. My poor attempt at humor.” Maximus replied.

“YOU BET IT WAS. It’s not funny and never will be. Do you get it,” i answered.

Maximus returned, “Yes, very poor humor. So so wrong of me.”

“But you did it anyway. And dommed her in Crate and Barrel. Dick move.”

“No, she left already. I took the pic there to be funny.” said Maximus.

Maximus told me He was going to call me from the car, which i told Him i would refuse to answer. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk about it, i refused to have this conversation with Him while He was driving. First, it’s not safe. Second, the connection is never good while moving, words get jumbled, calls get dropped, and it’s poor communication at best and extremely frustrating to me. Third, i want His full attention and don’t want Him multi-tasking and not using His entire brain for this discussion. So we had about 15 minutes of back and forth about this topic alone. He finally pulled over and parked in a parking lot to call.

i explained to Maximus that i felt so extremely hurt that He said that He’d Dommed Lele as it was an essential rule in our contract. The fact that it was made into a joke was even more hurtful, because i have the utmost honor for our contract and it means the world to me; using it as fodder for a joke made me feel like He didn’t respect our contract, our agreements, or our relationship. Furthermore, i was frustrated that while He has several pairs of trophy panties, none of them are mine and He’s never asked or taken any–i wondered why and felt hurt by the omission.

We had a lot of discussion. And it took a lot of work to make sure we stayed on topic, discussing THIS issue and not making His evening with Lele the issue. i had no problem with His dinner with Lele, i had issue with the text He sent and what that meant. He had not Dommed her, she had found a pair of panties in her coat pocket while they were at dinner and He asked to take them, as a joke. He was frustrated because He felt that by sending that text He had ruined the whole evening and wouldn’t be able to talk about anything they’d talked about at all. i assured Him that this was about the text. In fact if He made it into the whole evening and refused to talk about the rest of it later, i would be very upset and we’d have a whole new issue.

We resolved it and came up with some things to amend in our contract. It took quite a while to communicate. There was no yelling, again, so we’re applying lessons learned. And we’ve instituted a new rule of saying, “I/i love Y/you” at the start and end of each point of discussion. We took a break and He called back later so He could tell me about His evening, because i didn’t want it lumped into this discussion.

The thing is, these are exhausting. And i feel responsible for them. Maximus has told me over and over and over that 95% of the conflicts we will have will be because of something He’s done, not anything i’ve done. And i am just horrified by that statement–am i just that oversensitive to let anything go? Why would Maximus want to be with someone like that? i hate that it’s been me having issues with something He’s done, like i’m ruining a great thing. Why would He tie Himself to someone like that? He deserves better than a suspicious, oversensitive sub.

Categories: BDSM, communication, conflict, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, relationship, relationship needs, submissive | Leave a comment

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