rage

Courage

A quote i read this morning:

“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

i thought that was very encouraging. As Maximus noted last night, someday this will just be a blip and nothing more. It feels like a crater now, time and distance will lessen the impact on the topography and it’s good to remember that.

i just got back from my first counseling session. i am very, very pleased with the counselor (i’m going to call her Fern). i can’t even remember what web directory i found her on, i had done many, many searches for kink-friendly counselors in the Portland/Seattle area and she came up. In fact, it was because of her notation on her website that she did Skype sessions that i ever considered adding Skype-capability to my list of requirements. The amazing thing, that i learned partway through my long introduction with her, is that she is in an open relationship with her husband, that they had incredible difficulties in their marriage at one point that included her raging. They were separated for nearly a year while she and they worked on their relationship and her raging. And, they are in a D/s relationship where she is submissive. i just wanted to hug her when she shared that with me. i feel very comfortable with her.

Most of the session was me telling my story, introducing myself and Maximus. She did share how raging is actually a physiological process, not only an emotional process, in that when you first start raging, you build neuropathways in your brain; future triggers or perceived risks then fire those neuropathways involuntarily, which is why often a person who rages feels they cannot stop the rage from starting–because the body has taken over automatically. This happens even if the person is not longer in the situation or relationship where they formed the neural pathways, because they have been formed and an easier path to travel than new pathways. Additionally, the triggers are related to the fight in “fight or flight,” in that it in response to some deep survival need, such as love, belonging, respect, that the person unconsciously fears is being threatened. So, we are going to be working on reprogramming my neural pathways away from raging and delving into what survival needs i feel are threatened. She is going to be using Imago Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as well.

i am very encouraged. She was encouraged by my openness and honesty in sharing my story and issues and by all the work i’ve done so far. She is also pleased that Maximus is involved and that He is willing to be involved in the counseling sessions as well, both solo and as a couple. She asked that i journal about my feelings so we can work on triggers and survival needs, and we discussed how i am already journlling and will continue to do that. I will bring bullet points of my entries rather than pages and pages like i sent her already!

i have my next appointment Friday afternoon. i’m looking forward to it.

On a side note, i saw this today and oh, if it was only that simple!!

if shes freaking out

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling, honesty, insecurities, rage, relationship needs | Tags: | Leave a comment

Shame-Based Rage

Image

The last type of rage i experience is Shame-Based Rage. This is to a lesser extent, and related to the shame i feel after the times i have exploded in sudden abandonment rage. i get horribly embarrassed and feel humiliated by my actions, beat myself up internally. Only once has this been the sole type of rage event for me, but it is a secondary issue in episodes of Abandonment Rage.

Shame is both a feeling and a belief. It is an unpleasant feeling of being totally exposed to people’s criticism, where the person  can come to believe that they are somehow defective, broken, flawed, damaged. The instinctive reaction to a moment of shame is to flee, run away, or hide, to become invisible so no one can see your flaws. While running away makes the person feel safer, it triggers a self-defeating spiral where they feel additional shame for fleeing. However, in shame-rage, the person tries to get rid of the feeling of shame by giving it to someone else–dumping all their anger on someone else.

The time i experienced Shame-based rage was during a dinner with Maximus and The Englishman. Maximus and i had confided in The Englishman about our relationship and difficulties i was having as he had overheard a Skype episode where i had raged at Maximus in December. The Englishman started to, what i perceived, lecture me in front of Maximus about how i needed to trust Him and that He loved me, something we had worked out. The Englishman didn’t have all the information and i felt i needed to defend myself from this onslaught, ambushed. i started to feel my emotions take over and in effort to calm down and not rage, i excused myself to the car to breathe. As i was sitting in the parking lot, a man from an adjacent car started banging on the car window and yelling at me, i have no idea why. i locked my door, put my face in my lap and he went away. Soon i heard the driver’s door open. i assumed it was Maximus, so i sat up and leaned into Him for Him to hold me–however, when i opened my eyes, i saw it was The Englishman and i exploded inside, felt invaded in my safe place. i yelled for him to leave me alone, ran out of the car and ran down the street. i ran and ran and ran. i was angry at Maximus for sending him out to me–my assumption as to what happened. Eventually i settled down and decided to go back to the car, however, when i returned, Maximus and The Englishman started yelling at me from the restaurant entrance. As i didn’t want to see The Englishman again at that moment, i tossed my stilettos and beautiful necklace Maximus had purchased for me at the car and ran away again. i tried to get a cab from an auto shop to go home as i had left my cell phone in Maximus’ car, but they never called one for me. Eventually i returned to the restaurant where Maximus tracked me down in His car, frantically searching the area for me, and i got into His car only when The Englishman left to another restaurant. i was furious with Maximus, thinking He’d sent The Englishman to shame me more, accused Him of sending “a rapist to rape me some more!”, screaming at Him. At one point i ran from the car, telling Him i was going Home and we were done. After i sat and breathed for a few moments, i returned to the car and He drove me home.

At those moments, all i want to do is run. Run fast, far, away from my shame, away from the hurt, away from, what i feel, are critical eyes, embarrassed, humiliated.

9 Steps to Tame Shame-Based Rage

1. Make a strong commitment right now to gain control over shame-based rage.

I’m so there!

i, gabriella, promise today to quit raging. Specifically, i will refrain from raging against anybody, especially the people i love. If i feel personally shamed by something others say or do, i will step away until i gain control over my urge to attack. i will use no excuses to justify shaming, blaming, or treating others with contempt.

Part of this is that during discussions or when i feel overwhelming emotions starting to build, i need to let Maximus know that i need a break. There are times that i have run away without telling Him this and walk away, which prompts Him to ask me to come back and not walk away from Him–i usually return and fail to tell Him i’m needing a break, which further accelerates the situation. i have to own my commitment to communicate my needs.

2. Follow the shame-rage trail back to your own shameful thoughts and feelings.

These are not caused by what someone else says, even though it feels like it, it is based upon what is going on inside my head. No one’s blaming me, they are discussing things because they care, so don’t take this personally. This will be extremely important as i work to eliminate raging as it will require me to discuss these things with Maximus, with a counselor, and with the two of them together–i will feel intense shame, guilt, remorse, and i need to manage that without letting it take me over.

3. Discover how you temporarily get rid of your shame by raging.

My shame gets aimed at Maximus. When i had the episode with The Englishman, i blamed Maximus for allowing The Englishman to ambush me, which was not true. He never sent The Englishman out, He was stuck inside the restaurant trying to figure out what was happening and trying to pay the bill for a very expensive dinner we had ordered. He could not run out after The Englishman, He could not go out to me until He had dealt with the bill.

During episodes of abandonment rage, i call Him the things my shame was telling myself about me. i’m attacking Him as if He is my shame.

4. Reclaim your shame to break the shame-rage connection.

i have to accept that i feel shameful, that i have behaved in a manner that is causing me to feel embarrassed and humiliated in front of the person i love. i need to own it and i need to deal with the abandonment issues that trigger the raging that makes me feel ashamed.

5. Challenge the validity of the five core shame messages.

It’s time to replace negative self-talk with healing thoughts. Change:

  • “i am no good” to “i am good.”
  • “i am not good enough” to “i am good enough.”
  • “i am unlovable” to “i am loved and lovable.”
  • “i don’t belong” to “i belong.”
  • “i should not exist” to “i am.”

i need to be patient and kind to myself in this process. It is already a bit of a struggle here because as i have wounded Maximus so deeply and He feels poisoned, He has pulled back from me, which i have focused on as humiliating. This has changed our communication patterns dramatically, as text messages and phone calls have drastically reduced, bringing up feelings of loss, memories of abandonment in past relationships, and is extremely uncomfortable. it is easy for the self-talk of, “look what you’ve done” to start and i have fear in feeling emotions right now. i am so afraid of having another raging episode that i fear my feelings, wishing i could will them away, but realizing that it is natural and normal to have emotions, i just need to deal with them effectively. Healing self-talk during these times has been helpful.

6. Treat others with respect and dignity at all times.

This has a lot to due with the last paragraph. i have wounded Maximus; He is feeling pain and loss too, trying to both heal and protect Himself. i need to respect what He needs and realize that He’s not doing that to hurt me back. i respect that He is still here, that He did not end our relationship, and i give Him the benefit of the doubt. i will use the little things that return and celebrate them.

Potter-Efron suggests the Five As for ways to be respectful:

Attend: Take time to really listen and give complete attention.

Appreciate: Like what Maximus does and how He does things.

Accept: Maximus does not have to change, He’s okay how He is.

Admire: i can learn from Maximus. He does things with grace and skill. He has dealt with past abandonment which, in many ways, were so much worse than i encountered, and doesn’t resort to raging. i admire that and wish to learn from Him.

Affirm: i am so happy that Maximus is part of my life. i cannot imagine my life without Him. i want to celebrate our lives together and embrace GOT every day.

7. Give praise instead of criticism.

i will stop looking for something wrong. i will notice thoughtfulness, creativity, generosity, appearance, individuality, intelligence, and accomplishments and then give praise for it.

8. Surround yourself with people who treat you respectfully.

i do this and will continue to do this.

9. Watch for relapse signs that your shame rage is getting out of control.

i will monitor the self-talk and the feelings of anxiety that come with dealing with the aftermath of these raging incidents. When i feel them growing beyond simple emotional responses, i will work to calm myself down, breathe, not let the emotions go out of control, take a time out, ask for space, do something else to occupy my mind and feel fulfilled.

And never, never give up on myself. i can do this.

Believe that we will heal. Believe that we will be stronger together. Be patient in the process.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, fear, rage, relationship needs | 1 Comment

Abandonment Rage

abandonment

i am actually looking forward to this blog as i have learned some critical things about myself and my raging. i am encouraged by what i’ve read and am putting the information into action already. i am not a Polyanna, however, i recognize that this is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of work and guts on my part, but i have a better understanding on what’s going on and a plan to deal with it.

The major triggers of my rage are real or imagined threats of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect, known as Abandonment Rage. Most frequently, children who have grown up in unstable environments have this type of rage, however, this is not the case for me, thank goodness, as the damage from that type of abandonment is so deep-seated that it is difficult for those adults to recover from it. My fear stems from two failed marriages. This fear leads to a feeling of insecurity in my relationship with Maximus.

This insecurity is what gave me the feeling of being “terrified” when Maximus first told me He had fallen in love with me and wanted to pursue a committed relationship. However, i did jump in, which is typical in this level of insecurity. i tend to worry about how much Maximus loves me and if it’s equitible and often find it difficult to believe that He chose me and will stay. This insecurity makes me distrustful. Here are things that i identified with in the book, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD:

  • i look for proof that the person who says they care about me cannot be trusted
  • Feeling neglected or ignored by the person i love seems almost intolerable to me
  • i struggle with intense feelings of jealousy (and deny it vehemently)
  • i sometimes feel cheated by my partner because i think i give them more love, care, and attention than i get back

So what made me fearful to start with?

Unhealthy adult relationships can strongly affect you. Certainly trying to love someone who really does lie, cheat, and steal is a formula for insecurity. Your entire relationship history, not just your family of origin, molds how you feel about relationship bonds.

This is the clincher for me. Let me describe my two marriages and how my unresolved issues are affecting my relationship with Maximus today.

PiperC and i were married for 11 years. We never fought–NEVER. We met at work, held the same position for a long time, which worked well. However, i began to promote up the ranks and he began to despise the distances in our ranks and the positional knowledge that gave me. He became professionally jealous and this eventually began to poison our relationship. He began disrespectful and hostile and our interpersonal and sexual relationship began to fail. i ended up having an affair with a woman toward the end of our marriage, desiring emotional and sexual fulfillment. Things declined to the point where he began to encourage me to apply for management positions in other states and made it clear that he would not follow me. i started to make an exit strategy which accelerated after an incident where he nearly accidentally injured me but showed no remorse–this lead me to dissolve the relationship immediately. (As a note, as i write that, i see how my abandonment rage is so very similar to this and how i am treating Maximus how i was treated then…i certainly need to change)

i felt absolutely betrayed by PiperC, who promised to love and cherish and stick by me for better and worse–and when i became better at my job, he despised me.

i was only legally divorced from PiperC one month when i met OneGuy, although we had been separated for four months. The lack of emotional and sexual intimacy for the last years of our marriage had left me severely wanting and i was anxious to get back into dating even though friends and family recommended i wait to heal and recover. OneGuy and i became very serious extremely quickly, and ended up moving into my new house i purchased just six months after we started dating and married a year later.

The relationship turned horrible the moment we moved in together with his two teenage children. OneGuy had assured me equal status as an adult in the household, able to be involved with decisions of the family, which did not hold true. He undermined my decisions, belittled me in front of them. He believed household chores were child abuse, which he did not divulge before we moved in together, despite many discussions about home life, and the house was constantly a state of hovel, which i could not tolerate and ended up constantly cleaning. i came home to days of dishes and rotting food, clothing, animal filth, and my beautiful home i purchased was being destroyed. Unfortunately, in my desire not to fail at another relationship, i thought things would change.

Financial problems plagued the relationship as well. OneGuy was embarrassed that we were engaged without a ring, but he didn’t have liquid cash to buy one. He asked if he could borrow money from me to buy the ring and that he would pay me back once he sold an ATV. i had money from the sale of a house that i was going to use to buy household items we’d need for a brand new house, so i loaned that to him. However, when he sold the ATV, he used the money to pay a huge credit card debt i had no idea he had instead of paying me back. It was impossible to get the money back now that it was paid to a credit card company and i was out.

He did give me money to contribute to a down payment, which i had refused to accept initially. However, i did not realize until we did taxes the first year after we were married that he had sold stocks for this money but did not pay taxes incurred. We were hit with a HUGE tax burden which he did not have money to pay. i had finally recouped money i lost from the ring fiasco and ended up using that and credit to pay the tax debt. i thought we were done with taxes until we received a letter from the IRS that we were not getting the family tax rebate because it was applied to an enormous back tax debt of OneGuy’s from 2001. He insisted that he did not owe it and that it was from an error his ex-wife made and had been refusing to pay it. After searching through boxes and boxes of unfiled paperwork, i found letter after letter after letter, many unopened, from the IRS about this debt. Now that we were married, the IRS was taking my money to pay his ginormous debt that was growing exponentially from late fees and compounding interest. He refused to do anything about it.

On Christmas, his ex-wife called asking to be paid out for her divorce settlement early. He had promised me that he had no outstanding debt from that divorce and that there were no future payments from retirement accounts that had to be dispersed to her. He had lied. The stocks that he had sold to give me the down payment were legally hers through the divorce agreement. So what he had done was basically given a piece of my home equity to her. He was able to disuade her from taking that money now, due to the economy, not telling her what he’d done, and she agreed to wait. i was horrified to think i was at risk of losing my house to a decision i had no part of and no idea about.

During all of this, i tried to talk with OneGuy about these issues. He refused to discuss them, told me they were none of my business. His tactic was to stop talking to me and ignore me, for days and days, acting as if i was not in the house. He would not reply to text messages, not answer the phone. After a while he would talk to me, but never about the issues–they were swept under the carpet. Eventually, i began to rage when this happened–this is when my raging started. i could not stand being ignored for days and i was devastated at what was happening to me in my own home.

We did start swinging during this relationship, which was, ironically, the strongest part of our relationship together. However, during a trip to the beach, OneGuy gave me his phone to look up a website and i found it was logged on to an adult dating site called Ashley Madison, which is site designed for married people to meet others to have discreet affairs with. i didn’t ask him about it, but i did create a false profile on the site which he immediately contacted (i did not contact him first) and after some chatting, arrangements were made to meet. i never met him, i canceled at the last minute after he left the house to meet this make-believe person, realizing that he was having affairs. i was very upset that he was having affairs as we were very actively involved in swinging together and he was having sex with lots of women with my full knowledge and consent–why did he need to cheat?!? i had intention to confront him about this but the next issue came up immediately and i didn’t even need to bring the infidelity up.

The final straw was a horrible undermining of me in front of his son, a horrible lie that could never be undone, where he said that i hated his son in front of him. i adored his children with all my heart and was leveled by how he so intentionally destroyed my credibility with them by doing that–and i knew i’d never get it back. He had torpedoed me. i divorced him immediately. The financial disasters continued as he demanded more money from me, knowing it was cheaper for me to pay him than to fight it in court. i also gave him the ring, much to the dismay of my family, as i just could not stand to see it anymore, knowing it’s financial history.

i was destroyed after this marriage, as i noted in my previous blog post. i felt so betrayed, unloved, abandoned, lied to. i just willed myself to living a life on my own and never having to deal with all this risk again. i never dealt with these feelings.

So, am i doomed to be insecure and fearful forever? Thankfully, no. Research has shown that people can and do change attachment patterns and no matter how insecure i feel today, there is reason to hope that i can learn to feel safer within my relationship over time. But i will have to be patient as it is a gradual process and requires diligence.

Seven Steps to Prevent Abandonment Rage

1. Learn everything you can about with whom, when, how, and why you turn your fear of abandonment into rage.

With whom do i rage? Maximus

When do i rage? i am most typically triggered by some sort of mention or text from Ms. W. Other triggers include scheduling struggles, whether scheduling time to see each other or to talk.

How do i rage? i say very hurtful things, things that are not true, are spiteful and inflammatory. i yell, stomp, swear, flee, return and accost verbally.

Why do i rage? i rage because i have a perceived threat that Maximus is in love with Ms. W and that He will leave me for her. i fear that she is trying to push me out and that she will win Maximus over, leaving me without the love of my life.

2. Commit to quit raging, no matter how jealous, empty, lonely, hurt, insecure, or unsafe you feel.

At the beginning of our relationship, i shared with Maximus the trust issues i have stemming from my marriage to OneGuy. In effort to be completely transparent and show me that He was committed and fully honest with me, He gave me the passwords to His email and lifestyle dating accounts, as well as His iPhone, and instructed me to feel  free to access any of these if ever i felt insecure. He felt so strongly about this that He had this included in our BDSM contract. The problem was, this was like crack cocaine to me. i got completely obsessed with my ability to check His email, phone, accounts for signs that He was being dishonest. At one point, He got a security warning from His email service that another computer was logged in to His account and He changed His password. He told me about this, thinking that He’d been hacked, not even imagining that it was me who was logged on, and i confessed that it was me. Not intentionally, He did not give me His new password, and i didn’t ask, as i was mortified about the situation.

Initially, i was beside myself about not being able to check His email, but after a few days, i realized how freeing it was to not feel compelled to have to check it. i later told Maximus about this and asked that He not give me the password, and He complied with that. When it came time to renew our contract, however, i refused to remove this clause and asked for His password, which i didn’t get. i demanded He give me this password during my last rage.

The iPhone has had a similar effect on me. Maximus gave me free access to it, which i eventually told Him i felt would be better that i requested to see His phone rather than just picking it up and going through it behind His back. He said it wasn’t necessary. But again, this became obsessive for me. i find myself staring at His phone, wondering what’s in there. i have gone through His phone and i hate myself for doing it after i’ve done it.

my preference is to not have carte blanche access to His email and phone. It’s not necessary and just increases my level of insecurity and then shame for going through them looking for prove that He loves only me. Maximus, please do not give me your email password. i will work extremely hard to fight the urge to go through His phone. It is a habit that brings me shame and i am going to break this habit. i am requesting that we remove this clause from our BDSM contract as well.

You will need all your courage, commitment, and conviction to get through these moments. You will find them occurring frequently when you try to quit raging about abandonment issues…you can keep screaming, yelling, whining, and badgering your partner until he or she really does leave you, or you can make and keep a commitment to quit raging, no matter how unsafe you feel.

i recognize that there will be triggers sooner or later (probably sooner) that will trigger doubts, but i must keep my promise not to explode.

3. Make your main goal to exchange the sense of distrust that fuels abandonment rages with a willingness to trust.

When i feel fearful or overanalytical, i need to stop the self-talk that starts the spinning inside my head. This self-talk perpetuates itself and grows to include other minor things as proof until i have a tornado of rage from often inconsequential things. The author suggests substituting these thoughts when negative self-talk and analyzing begins:

  • Today i choose to trust Maximus.
  • From now on, i’m going to trust Maximus.
  • i’ll give Maximus the benefit of the doubt.
  • i want to be more trusting. i can be more trusting. i will be more trusting.
  • i am more trusting now than i used to be and i will continue to develop trust.
  • my world is safer than it used to be. i’ve just got to accept that fact.
  • Maximus loves me and wants to stay with me.

And for goodness sakes, hasn’t He proved that?

4. To gain greater ability to trust in the present, focus upon people whom you have been able to trust in the past.

My family has always be a source of trust for me. However, i am not comfortable in sharing this information with them. Instead, i will use the lifetime of trust as a model of how i do have people who i can trust and Maximus is part of that family.

5. Replace jealous, suspicious, and distrusting words and actions with trusting ones.

First, i am making a promise, a commitment, that i will change my words and behaviors, stop the destructive self-talk and searching for proof of dishonesty RIGHT NOW.

Second, i will give Maximus the benefit of the doubt that He deserves. No more accusations or demands for proof that He loves me.

Third, i will catch myself starting the self-doubt and stop the paranoia.

Fourth, i will develop a trusting vocabulary of “i trust You” and “i can depend on You.”

Fifth, i will act in a manner of a trusting person! even if it doesn’t feel natural.

6. Learn how to accept reassurance when you need reminders that you are loved and wanted.

Believe Maximus when He tells you that He loves you, that you are the BPE (Best Piece of Ass), and trust that GOT means a lifetime commitment. i will breathe these things in deeply and hold them in my heart. i will believe that i am loved, appreciated, and accepted.

7. Challenge yourself to let go of especially painful feelings of neglect, abandonment, rejection, or betrayal from the past.

Maximus is NOT PiperC or OneGuy. They are out of your life, stop holding Maxiums accountable for their actions. i will leave the past in the past and believe that i am not doomed to repeat past pains. i will forgive PiperC and OneGuy and stop holding the grudges about past betrayals.

i will continue to journal about my progress, pitfalls, and wins.

i will go to therapy to help me deal with my past demons and learn techniques to keep my commitment of trust.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, divorce, rage | Leave a comment

Examining my Sudden Rage

This post is about examining my sudden rage patterns. In this exercise i will be examining a particular sudden rage i went through.

About how long ago did this event take place?

This sudden rage event took place four days ago. This was a rolling rage event that spanned three days, the worst it has ever been.

What was going on in your life at the time that added stress to your life or might help explain what happened?

Maximus and i were returning from a trip to Las Vegas where we had competed in an athletic event and for some rest and relaxation. i was feeling awkward and insecure due to some behaviors of mine during the trip.

i had gotten upset at Him our first night when i discovered what i thought was a Cialis-induced erection and accused Him of doping before His race. We had overcome this over the next days of our trip, but i was still dealing with the shame of accusing Him of this and disrupting His sleep the night before an important event. Maximus had brought it up several times and i was just mortified about it, had been beating myself up and just wanted to move on from it.

Also, we’d had a discussion the night before during dinner about marriage and commitment that had upset me. i hadn’t raged about it, but i was feeling a bit embarrassed and frustrated about it still. During the course of the conversation Maximus asked if, theoretically, i would marry Him if He’d asked and i answered, “ummmmm, yes.” i returned the question to Him and He didn’t want to answer the question, got uncomfortable, wouldn’t look at me. We had a lot of discussion about why He wouldn’t answer the same question He just asked me and it just got worse. He finally answered, “yes,” but i was extremely embarrassed and felt hurt that He wouldn’t look at me and had refused to answer His same question. i began to tear up and said i needed to leave and walk, which we did. i settled down, didn’t rage, but was very rattled inside.

Just before the initial incident, we were navigating through the San Francisco airport and Maximus was irritated that we were going to have to take a shuttle to another terminal for our connecting flight, as He’d never had to do that before. It was irritating to me that He, such a well-seasoned traveler, seemed so disturbed by this when i thought it was no big deal. He wanted to go to the United Club and i needed to eat. i suggested that He go to the Club and i’d eat, but He said He wanted to eat too and then we’d go to the Club. After we ate, He wanted to go immediately to the shuttle and i had waited to use the restroom in the Club…i was having trouble following what He wanted to do and He was just so rattled. i asked Him not to get so wonky about this.

Had you been drinking or drugging right before the rage (or withdrawing from a heavy period of intoxication)? If so, how do you think that affected you?

No

Who was involved in the rage episode?

Maximus and me.

What triggered the rage (maybe something someone said or did)?

As we arrived at the gate, Maximus was showing me something on His phone when He got a text message from Ms. W. It appeared to me that He pretended not to notice the text banner pop up, which irritated me. i told Him to look at the message, not ignore it. i immediately got upset that she was texting Him when we were on our way home as it seemed to be a pattern that she contact Him as soon as we or He got back from travels so she could get together with Him. i was immediately incensed. We started boarding the plane and i was hostile, teary, and snarky at Him. He demanded we wait until we got home in a few hours to talk about this. i simmered the entire flight and towncar ride home, refusing to look at or interact with Him.

How much of what happened during the rage did you remember the next day (All, some, none at all)? If you remember anything, what do you remember? During the rage, what did you say? What did you think? What did you feel? What did you do?

i remember EVERY detail of this rage. It plays over and over and over in my mind like a tape. i am not going to recount every statement, accusation, action, etc. because it is too much to write out.

i yelled at Maximus, accused Him of being in love with Ms. W, accused Him of being untruthful to me about it, demanded that He never see her again, told Him i would no longer be with Him if He would not make that change. He wanted to compromise on this and i refused over and over and over. i stomped, i made ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, made faces, yelled until i had no voice. i removed gifts i had given Him, special gifts with tremendous meaning and then told Him i was taking them because He no longer deserved them. i told Him how He was free to be with Ms. W now and all the things they could do and accused Him of secretly wanting that all along. i accused Him of being polyamorous.

i demanded He drive me home. He agreed. We got into the car and a block away from the house at a stoplight i got out and walked back home when He asked me not to badger Him all the way to my house. i went up to “take a nap” because i demanded that i was not going to clean his house. i accused Him of using me to acquire my sweat equity in His home which i would never benefit from.

After an hour i got up and made us talk more. i had more things to add to the list and continued my demands against Ms. W. He got me to stop and agree to a bath which i asked Him to take with me, which He did. But i was upset by the fact that He got in and leaned His head back and closed His eyes when i wanted Him to look at me. i got out of the tub and crawled into bed, all wet. He picked up after me and got into bed and i forced His arm around me.

In the morning, He awoke, got up to use the bathroom, returned to bed and put His pillow over His face. This made me mad thinking He was doing this to avoid me. i got up, went downstairs, made coffee and sat on the couch. He came down and i wanted Him to sit on the couch with me with His coffee, but i never asked Him to, and got mad inside because He didn’t automatically do it. He worked on other things while i sat there and stewed. After about ten minutes i demanded that He take me to the airport NOW, despite my flight being that evening. i grabbed my bags and threw them into the car. i got into the passenger seat and fought with the seatbelt over and over and over. i got mad and left the car and stormed back into the house, despite Maximus telling me to calm down and the belt would release when the ignition was started. i repeated this three times, the last time kicking the drivers front tire several times before storming back into the house. i finally returned and got into the car and we drove to the airport.

i barraged Him with horrible things about Ms. W and Him the entire way. i told Him i was going to call her and tell her she was in the clear to be with Him and i was out of His life forever, etc. etc. It was horrendous.

I got out as the car was stopping at the curb, grabbed my bags out of the back of the car and stormed into the airport without looking back. When i was reaching the airline desk i heard Maximus call my name and turned. i thought He had come to take me back home, but He was bringing me my cell phone that i’d dropped in the car when i was pretending to call Ms. W during my tirade. i rabbed the phone out of His hand and turned to continue on to the airline desk, never looking back.

During the rage, i felt a huge release of pressure i’d pent up all during the flight and towncar ride. i remember getting this incredible endorphin rush at one moment in particular where i was doing the ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, it was like an out-of-body experience.

During the down cycles in between the rages, my mind raced and i schemed and concocted my arguments and proofs, planned the outlines of what i was going to say to prove my points.

At times during the raging, all i wanted was Maximus to explode back at me. He said several times that He was close and was working very hard not to do that because He did not want to experience that Himself. i remember really wanting Him to do that. i don’t know why, other than i wanted to feel the hurt of it. i think i thought it would shock me out of the cycle and make me stop.

How did the rage end?

The rage ended the night of the third day when i realized that i needed to do something to stop these rage events in order to save my relationship with Maximus and save my health and sanity. It was a crashing realization of just how bad i’d lost it.

How hard did you try to stay in control before or during the rage? What did you do to keep control? Did it work?

i worked hard on the plane and in the towncar to control my rage, but it was only because we were in public and i was waiting to get home. i wanted to have a calm discussion, initially, but i let my rage take over. i had bottled it up for hours and hours and it initially felt good to get all the pressure out, but i couldn’t stop it once it started and it accelerated.

Would you say that, during the rage, you were completely out of control, mostly in control,  completely in control? Would you call what you went through a near rage, partial rage, or total rage? Why?

i was completely out of control. i was, however, able to pause when we noticed someone outside the door. i went to the other room and waited quietly while Maximus spoke with the towncar driver who had locked himself out of his car, but started back up again after he’d left.

What happened to you after the sudden rage (for example, did you sleep for hours, get arrested, or did your partner leave you)? Described whatever happened.

i slept fitfully the first night between the rages. i fled, demanding Maximus take me to the airport early, in yet another continuation of the rage. i went immediately into bed but tossed and turned, could not sleep, was in and out of the bed, wrote Maximus a terse email, and finally went to the grocery store. i needed to eat as i’d only had a few bites of food the night before and nothing all day. i had two bites of cereal and couldn’t eat any more.

i had willed myself not to contact Maximus, but by late afternoon i lost self-control of that and called Him to have Him respond to my email. i tried to be calm but the conversation accelerated. In order to continue the conversation i lowered my voice and forced calm. At the end of the discussion of the email Maximus brought up the erection incident again and it set me off as He said i hadn’t ever apologized for that, which i had. This upset me because we’d had a lot of discussion about this in Las Vegas and i had apologized several times. i was angry that He had brought this up and upset the calm we’d finished the email discussion with. During our talk the phone was disconnected and i assumed He had hung up on me. i let it go.

i texted good night later and never heard back. i didn’t sleep all night.

i texted good morning on my way to work and never heard back. i was sick to my stomach.

i was distracted at work, but focused on my work in spurts to occupy my mind.

i called Him incessently until He demanded me to stop so He could work. He give me a specific time He would call me. i finally settled down after an hour. True to His word, we were able to talk at that time. He’d never received my texts.

Maximus never left me, i broke up with Him over and over and over again during this rage event.

How often do you experience sudden rages?

i had the first one in September when we were first a couple, after casual dating for six months without any episodes, another in December, one in late January, March, April, and now May, so accelerating from a few months to once a month and two this week. The trend is frightening us.

Are you taking any medications to help control your anger, emotions, or rages? If so, what are they? Do they help?

No i am not taking medications. i would like to do this without being medicated.

What else do you do to prevent or control your rages?

During a previous rage incident, I had tried to control my rage by removing myself from the situation and going to the car to breathe, but the person involved followed me out, making me feel chased down and trapped, and i ran, completely out of control of my rage.

Otherwise, i am not doing a good job at all controlling my rage. This is why i’m undergoing this assessment and counseling.

What else could you write that would help you describe and understand your rages?

During the rage i will flee, literally run away, or tell Maximus i am ending the relationship and my expectation at the time is that He will run after me to catch me and beg me not to go. This is irrational and i don’t know why that goes through my mind at the time.

All but one of these rages have been triggered by something to do with Ms. W. i have insecurities about her relationship with Maximus which causes mistrust. i need to get a handle on this to stop the rages.

i so want this to stop.

This all sounds so insane and crazy when i read the account of what i’ve done. It is humilating and i can’t believe Maximus is still here. If i ever needed any sign of His devotion, i would be a fool not to see it now. This is what i need to carry with me. This i should NEVER forget.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, rage | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.

nijntje & The Bear

Dragons, Warriors and rabbits - The complex simplicity of my freedom under His domination.

Diary of seven

Diary of sub trying to survive in a modern dating world

Imani Sims

Curator & Person of Letters

Babygirl's Story Time

Memoirs of a DDLG Couple

submissy

Married submissive: The love, the kink and the connection.

20ishfeministblog.wordpress.com/

A website for the modern feminist

Active Submission

Because it shouldn't be passive.

CinnamonAndSparkles

If I had a power color, it would be sparkle. Landon Brinkley

The Bee hive

The World of Princess Bee

Domestic Discipline, Jenny style!

Unconventional journey to unimaginable fulfillment.

InnThrall: Seattle’s Kinky B&B

Private, Sex-Positive, Romantic Getaway

Lifestyle Wives

DIMINISHING THE STIGMA OF NON-MONOGAMY: WEBSITE FOR SWINGERS

The Beautiful Kind

A submissive's journal

Thrill of the Chaste

Personal experiences in the world of Male Chastity

On The Wet Coast

A submissive's journal

A Sexual Being

Where the lines of fantasy and reality blur…

TMI Tuesday blog

A confessional where people come to reveal too much information--sexy secrets, dirty deeds, and more.