Not Poly


i have a confession to make…Maximus and i went to Desire 2016 with the understanding that it was our last trip to Desire with the Life of the Swingset group. Yes, you read that right. But…we left Desire 2016 already booked for the 2017 trip with the Swingset.

So what was the deal? We are swingers, we are non-monogamous, we are kinky, but we are not polyamorous and at Desire 2015, we felt like the odd couple out. It seemed like there was such a big focus on polyamory that we started to feel like we were with the wrong crowd. And it wasn’t just a bunch of people we didn’t know or hang out with, we had friends, close friends actually, that started exploring poly after the 2015 trip.

And it squigged us out.

But we’d already booked the 2016 trip and we really like our friends, especially our poly-exploring friends!

Maximus and i talked about this dilemma quite a bit. What was our issue with poly? Was there an issue with poly?

First, we both view poly through a frame of infidelity. Both Maximus and i were unfaithful in previous relationships and Maximus had a previous spouse cheat and leave Him for this other person. We both understand the concept of poly, that it’s not cheating. And we both understand the comparison of polyamory to parental love, in that you can love more than one child, thus you can love more than one adult. In Maximus’ case, He and JB met another couple through a swinging website and all was great with the four of them as swinging friends. However, JB and the other husband fell in love and worked very hard to convince Maximus and the other wife (Ms. W) that it would be super fun if Maximus and Ms. W fell in love too–they could have a four-way relationship. But it was never called poly, never really was poly in that Maximus didn’t have feelings for Ms. W and it was just a ruse to distract Maximus and Ms. W from what was really going on. In my case, i cheated because i was lonely. My first husband, PiperC was professionally jealous and just plain stopped loving me because of it. i cheated to feel connected with people and to have sexual fun, but they were never poly relationships.

Second, we just see a lot of drama with poly relationships. When Maximus and i started seeing each other, we were fuck-buddies/travel-buddies. We lived three hours apart and had an understanding that we saw other people. We really weren’t dating, just friends with like interests (sex) and available to be a plus-one for anything, including travel. Ms. W was still in the picture as they were friends and Maximus carried a lot of (unsubstantiated, self-inflicted) guilt for her divorce, and was just one of many women He was FWB/FBs with. However, after a while, Ms. W became very possessive of Maximus once He and i took our relationship to the next level, and portrayed her relationship with Him as something it wasn’t when speaking to me or anyone else. Maximus was completely unaware this was happening and it caused a great deal of angst for us (as seen in posts in the beginning of our D/s relationship). So again, it wasn’t poly, but there was a component of three people and a lot of drama.

Unfortunately, we hear about/see the drama our new poly friends go through. And it’s heartbreaking for us. i am very empathetic, so seeing friends going through difficulties is hard for me. We’ve even had friends with situations similar to what Maximus went through with JB, in that two couples met, one husband and one wife liked each other and wanted the other husband and wife to like each other and all go poly in that configuration–but the other spouses weren’t into each other. It’s hard for Maximus to see that happen as it triggers some bad feelings. So we worry about our poly friends.

It’s not like we haven’t explored what polyamory is about. When i divorced OneGuy, i decided to figure myself out and explored all types of sexuality and relationships. Being that i had gotten into swinging with him, i wasn’t sure whether swinging was a me-thing or a we-thing. i had friends who were exploring tantra and i got involved in that, which got me exploring LoveTribe, and all different types of relationship avenues. i talked with, slept with, dated all kinds of people in different relationships, including polyamory, asked a lot of questions, and determined poly just wasn’t for me. Maximus and i even discussed poly when we first got together, having both just read The Ethical Slut and other books, but it just wasn’t our thing.

What brought this posting up was going through our D/s contract last week. Our contract outlines that we are primary relationships with one another, that we cannot be contracted as a Dominant/Domme or submissive to anyone else, although we can be in scenes with others in Dominant/submissive roles. Maximus stopped us at this point and wanted to discuss polyamory, wanting to make sure we were still on the same page about the topic as before. We talked about poly, about what it was, our feelings, and i just simply replied, “You fulfill all my needs–i just don’t need anyone else.”

And that’s where we are. We fulfill each others needs and we just don’t have any desires that aren’t met by the other. Furthermore, we endeavor to meet each others desires, whether it is something we can do ourselves or require assistance from others in doing. That is our joy.

So what changed with Desire 2016? We let poly be other people’s kink and didn’t let it bother us. We didn’t let ourselves worry about our friends in poly relationships–it’s there thing and it makes them happy, or not at times, but it’s their thing to deal with. We are here for them if they need a shoulder, but they understand we are here for support and not at all for direction. And we didn’t let it bother us that we were not poly amongst lots of poly people.

i did have a wonderful afternoon with a very special woman friend who is fairly new into a poly relationship situation with her spouse and another couple. She and i have always connected, both being s-types, and i feel very close with her. The following evening she pulled me aside to talk and she shared how special our afternoon together was and how connected she felt with me. It was such a wonderful moment, one i will always cherish. i wasn’t sure, however, what it all meant, being that she had started into polyamory. Maximus and i spoke about it and i decided i would just simply go talk with her about it. It was a great conversation and one we needed to have anyway, as Maximus and i needed to know how to navigate our relationship with her and her husband now that they were poly with another couple. She and i are connected but not in a polyamorous way–more of a soul sister, connected, loving way. It was great to have the clarity and not get squigged out by ambiguity.

Because we changed our perspective of the dynamics of this group we love, we will be back at Desire with the Life on the Swingset for years to come. i love this group!

YKINMKBYKIOK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Ok

Categories: 24/7, Ethical Slut, polyamory, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

The Day After


Maximus and i decided we would sleep in the next morning. We didn’t get in until late and we had a lot to process (plus we played together when we got home–duh!). We usually wake up very early by other people’s standards so our 8AM wake up was a wonderful luxury. It was a beautiful sunny morning, forecast to be in the upper 70s, which is unheard of in March in Portland, and mirrored our current state.

As we were gettiIMG_4403gogng ready to head to the gym for our daily workout, i noticed something wonderful–amazing body marks from the suspension AND from clothespins Maximus had used on me. i found these so erotic and could hardly stop looking at them! In fact, as i did my 30 minute spin-up before spin class, i found myself bringing up the picture over and over on my phone and checking it out again!

Maximus took us out for coffees after our workouts and we giggled and talked about Kinkfest, what we wanted our day to hold. The weather was so absolutely beautiful out that we decided to change our plans a bit. Maximus had gotten so much out of Stefanos and Shay’s class that He really didn’t mind missing some classes today–He felt He’d gotten His money’s worth. He really wanted to bask in this afterglow of the class and the dungeon party, spend time together wandering through fun areas of Portland, and then head to the Convention Center at our leisure, go out to dinner, and then return for the party that night. That sounded great to me.

We had just returned home and i was contemplating what to wear (i was looking for the perfect sundress that would offer a peekaboo view of my rope marks) when i started getting texts from our friends at the beach.

Missing you. Wish you were here. What happened? I thought you were going to be here.

i explained to MoSweetGrass about the exes friends.

Oh shit. I’m sorry. You are WAY more fun!! Funny–my gut response was I didn’t really care for him. Now it makes sense. We need to get together.

Oh, did i have a sense of smug satisfaction!! My exes friends suck!

We texted a bit back and forth and then suddenly…

So they are leaving now. I think we scared them off! You guys should come down. It is beautiful!

Our other friends, Slim and Marilyn, who were hosting the party then texted us to please come to the beach. Maximus and i just looked at each other knowingly and said simultaneously, “We’re going to the beach!”

Wunderbar! texted back Slim.

We started a mad dash of packing, preparing the house to be gone overnight, snack, fuel for the car, a couple of errands that could not be put off, and then we oceanrompwere off to the beach. It was nearly 80 degrees out, not a cloud in the sky. We were at the beach four hours later, meeting two other couples at a pub in Lincoln City, Oregon before heading to the house. It was so wonderful!

The first thing we did? Maximus and i donned our swim suits (He in His Speedo, yes boys and girls, He ROCKS a Speedo, and i in my itty bitty red bikini) and joined our friend SubR for a romp in the Pacific Ocean! And boy was it cooooooooold! The current was strong and there was a sudden drop-off right off shore, so i held onto SubR to keep from being swept away into the sea. Maximus stood on the beach and observed us for a while, contemplating His attack, and then He bolted into the sea and swam, being the champion open water swimmer He is. But the cold water spit Him out very quickly!

On our way down to the ocean, Maximus, SubR and i were talking about BDSM as i had shown off my rope marks to our group and explained that i’d been suspended at Kinkfest. We have not shared a lot about our kink lifestyle with our swinging friends, and what we have shared, i.e. wearing of my fox tail butt plug to a previous play party, seemed to disturb them. But, what we discovered when i shared about my suspension was that the group seemed to be intrigued by the idea. SubR opened right up on our walk and shared that he really wanted to be dominated physically and sexually and desired being left with marks and bruises from those encounters. He was concerned that it wasn’t socially acceptable for a man to be dominated and we made sure to support his desire. Maximus and i smiled at each other, pleased that SubR opened up to us…He squeezed my hand and whispered, “Oh, we will have fun with this, baby.”

Maximus and SubR went into the hot tub when we returned to the house, but it was much too hot for me at 105 degrees so i went back inside. And, i really wanted Maximus to talk to SubR, not only about what he had shared on the beach, but about a concern we have had about the relationship between SubR and his wife, Indygo. We met SubR and Indygo about two years ago at M&S’ parties when they were brand new into swinging. They were both painfully shy about swinging and had a “no penetration” or soft swap rule, which was perfectly fine. As time went on, Indygo seemed to be moving faster into swinging than SubR, moving quickly toward penetration and being more outgoing whereas SubR was meek and self-deprecating, several times apologizing to me during our play for having a small penis (which it was not) and then losing his erection. This made it frustrating for me to play with SubR.

i began to notice several months ago that Indygo seemed to be attaching herself to MoSweetGrass’ husband, MCTC. In fact, the two couples began spending a lot of time together and even traveled a bit. This gravitation toward MCTC worried me because it appeared to be more than the typical swinger friendship. MoSweetGrass is one of my best friends and i was picking up signs from her that she was becoming increasingly unhappy and she and MCTC were having marital struggles. It was difficult to bring up this topic of conversation and when i tried, MoSweetGrass immediately switched to something else. i shared my concerns with Maximus and we both noted that Indygo and MCTC only played with each other at the parties and completely alienated themselves from their spouses and separating themselves from the group. MCTC eventually had penetrative sex with Indygo, something he shared with me when we had lunch during this time, and that he was the one to break her swinging cherry. By December, the relationship between MCTC and Indygo was obvious and the rift between them and their respective spouses was palpable and horribly awkward for Maximus and me to watch. MoSweetGrass had also pulled away and i was beside myself with grief for her but unable to regain our connection.

At New Years, MCTC and MoSweetGrass were transformed, strongly together, MoSweetGrass was absolutely glowing and alive! Indygo and SubR were noticeably absent. i knew something had happened, but unsure what. What i did know, from my relationship with MCTC And MoSweetGrass, was that they were back and strong.

In February, i saw that Indygo and SubR’s profile on a swingers site had changed. All of Indygo’s attributes were changed to “prefer not to say” and the text read:

I am a happily married man and am not looking for a marriage substitute, per se. My wife and I have opened our relationship to others, and we’ve had a lot of fun along the way! We began this journey as strictly couple on couple, but have since slowly expanded our horizons to seek fulfillment as individuals as well.

i contacted Maximus immediately and we decided to take a wide berth with them but keep our eyes wide open. i was very concerned that being seemingly on the outs with MCTC and MoSweetGrass, Indygo might set her sights on others in our group. In addition, SubR had taken on texting me the days after any event we’d been at, whether we’d played together or not, to tell me how beautiful i was and how much he wanted to be with me again. We were very concerned that we might get wrapped up into something we absolutely did not want to be involved with at all.

Maximus returned from the hot tub and embraced me passionately in the middle of the living room, whispering, “Come into the bedroom with me, I have to talk to you now!” i followed Him, hand-in-hand, into our room and He shut the door behind us. “Oh, it’s so bad!” He continued. It turns out that Indygo and SubR met another couple and Indygo is in love with the husband, BigT; SubR is not attracted to BigT’s wife. Indygo spends all her off time with the other couple, sleeps in their bed with them, talks to him constantly, and SubR is alone. They recently took a Caribbean cruise and had two adjoining suites–Indygo slept in the other couple’s bed the entire time and not once with SubR. Maximus tried to talk to SubR about the demise of His relationship with JB, which has complete parallels to SubR and Indygo. SubR wants to be monogamous but Indygo wants to be poly. He seems resigned to let her do this despite his feelings. It was horribly frustrating to Maximus to hear this and watch the same train wreck with His eyes wide open and be helpless.

Before dinner, Maximus approached Indygo and asked, “So, tell me about your boyfriend, BigT.” He said she lit up and she answered, “I love him.” She shared that BigT was dominant with her and making her walk around with too small BenWa balls that fell out when she walked around, humiliating her. She described a Dominant/brat relationship. Indygo then asked Maximus about our relationship and He told her that we were emotionally monogamous while we had occasional individual play dates. Maximus said that she looked at Him quizzacally and questioned, “Emotionally monogamous? What does that mean?” and He answered “I can only love one person.” He said she looked lost and meek when He said that, as if she was internally questioning her own polyamory decision. She was no longer interested in talking to Maximus at this point.

i was out on the balcony with SubR watching the sunset in his melancholy. i did not engage him into conversation about their relationship. We did talk more about his submissive desires though.

SubR and Indygo did not interact at all during the time at the beach. She spent time alone on the couch texting. The next morning she slept in while the rest of us got up, had breakfast, and worked on cleaning up the house so we could all leave for home. She eventually came up and sat on the couch, looking sullen, and one of the other wives that didn’t know her well said, “Oh, she so doesn’t want to be here. That’s an Oh I wish I were home look.” i realized that she had been downstairs talking to BigT the whole time and really did not want to be here any longer.

Categories: BDSM relationship, polyamory | Leave a comment

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