Munch Better!


Maximus and i went to a new munch last night, actually more of a discussion group with a potluck, and it was PERFECT for us! It actually was a combined meeting of two different groups, one a Dominants-only group and the other a submissives-only group. These groups usually meet separately, but they joined up for a combined holiday potluck and then went to separate buildings for their respective discussion groups.

We both loved this group. First, it had the social mixer we were looking for, but second, and most importantly, we really identified with these groups and met some wonderful and helpful people. We have reached out to several people on FetLife and are making plans to meet with them and to go to the group meetings and other events.

It sparked some great discussion on the car ride afterward, which Maximus wanted to continue when we got home. Maximus actually asked that we have Happy Half at 10 PM to go over His thoughts. Maximus shared that with that night’s meeting He realized that He has not been as vigilant and Dominant as He should be and that i have really been asking for. He said that He could see that many of the issues we have had over the past years and recently have been due to His lack of clear direction and communication. It surprised Him because it is not like He is in business, which i have brought up on several occasions, in that He is very clear and decisive with work. And, that because He has relied on (instructed) me to do the primary research into D/s and BDSM, it really has done us a disservice–and i really have to agree with Him here. He recognizes that He really needs to do the Dominant work and that it has been unfair to expect me to fill Him in on the details.

To correct this, i have uploaded all the books i have downloaded and read onto His Kindle. He will read a book a month and we will discuss what He’s read during my training days and/or Happy Halfs. He will be enforcing our rules, which He has been remiss at doing. And He will be attending the Dominants group and working on developing a mentoring relationship with one of the other Doms at this group.

i am actually thrilled about this. It’s been uncomfortable for me to be the lead in the D/s research and development and i have felt it flipped our roles at times. And i have found myself feeling embarrassed some times when we are with other people and there is a mismatch between our (Maximus and me) knowledge levels. i really want the discipline from Him and sometimes i think i act out just to push–i’d rather not do that. So it was a wonderful experience and something we really needed.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, D/s, discipline, Dom/sub, munch, relationship needs | Tags: | Leave a comment

Munch II

Maximus and i went to a different munch last night in our continued search for like-minded people. It was much better than the first munch, in that people were much friendlier, it was better organized, the room had a door and thus felt much more private, and it didn’t feel as judgy. In all, the group dynamics felt better to us.

But it still didn’t seem “just right,” to quote Goldilocks. In discussing it afterward, the Munch format just doesn’t seem to work well for us, so far. In both cases, it’s at a restaurant and people come in at different times and order food, so people are in different stages of eating, which is awkward. And you’re stuck seated at a table, configured in such a way that you are cut-off from the majority of the group, not free to roam about and talk to a bunch of folks. If people near you are not interested in visiting with folks, you’re really stranded on an island; the four people across from us and next to Maximus came together and only wanted to talk to each other. What ends up happening is that we get seated next to people that, for one reason or another, aren’t a good visiting match, and we’re stuck for an entire meal. And after the meal, there isn’t room to wander about to meet people on the other side of the room.

What we would prefer is more of a “Meet and Greet” type of format. Have a room with bar tables, have snacks/appetizers, order drinks, have the introductions and then people can move about the room and visit. This way i don’t feel like i’m interrupting someone’s meal, you’re mobile and can meet lots of people. Then, if you want to have a meal with folks and visit more, you can.

Maybe there are munches like that out there. We’ll keep looking.

Next week we are going to a joint D/s potluck at a private event center. We’re hoping that this might have more of a format that we’re looking for. And, it will be D/s types, so maybe that will be a better fit. There was an M/s couple last night, but they were on the other side of the room and we couldn’t get to them (they did mention in their introduction that they are going to the potluck next week, so we just decided to wait until then to meet them).

All in all, we were more encouraged by this munch and Maximus decided that we were not going to go back to the first munch again. He just really felt uncomfortable with the lack of privacy at that venue due to the room not having a door, and didn’t feel it was right for us. i agree. And this munch was better run.

On another note, we did get an invitation to a dungeon party this weekend from someone from the rope class. Unfortunately we have vanilla company coming Saturday so can’t go. Dangit!! We’re secretly hoping our guests will cancel due to the potential for winter weather!!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, munch | 2 Comments



Maximus and i have tried a couple times to go to munches, and we’ve always backed (chickened) out at the last minute…even twice sitting in the car watching people go inside and then deciding just not to go in. The first time was in a scary part of town, and we let that influence our decision as we didn’t want to leave our car unattended! The second time we watched a whole bunch of folks go inside and then come out and start chain-smoking in a big circle at the base of the stairs, and smoking is a big turn-off for us. Other times, we didn’t even get out of the house, finding excuses. But after Desire and talking to like-minded folks, we decided it was time to get our feet in the door, literally!!

Searching on Fetlife, i found a munch in our town, at a restaurant we like, even! The dress code was Daywear (no fetish please), and as Maximus has a clothing requirement for me i wore dark skinny jeans, a black V-neck blouse, my day collar (David Yurman chain necklace), and Michael Kors stiletto boots. Note, i’ve worn stilettos to this restaurant before, when Maximus and i met RunnerGirl and her husband for dinner before Maximus took me and RunnerGirl to go see Kinky Boots, and i slipped and fell on the slick floor, so i was a bit nervous about wearing stilettos there again–but i have a dress code to adhere to.

i’d done some reading about going to munches and most said if you were new to arrive at the beginning, not after itimg_1235 was underway, so you didn’t feel so conspicuous. So we went a little early and hit NO traffic, so arrived much too early. Fortunately this restaurant is at a shopping center so we did a little Christmas decoration shopping…and got covered in glitter….smooth. We weren’t sure where to go and the hostess was very occupied with a near-upset patron, so we waited patiently to be shown to the room the munch was held. There were about six people already there, all around one of four big tables, and they made room for us to sit. The hostess was in a deep conversation with a man who was showing pictures of women in ropework on his phone. It was really awkward, as she was to my right at the end of the table, the man was across from me, and Maximus to my left, so i felt trapped in their private conversation and unable to leave! The man’s partner was talking to another person at the other end of the table. Fortunately one of the waitstaff came and offered snacks and took our drink order. Eventually the hostess was able to break away from the conversation and say hello and we made our introductions to her.

The hostess shared that being the holiday season, she didn’t really have much of an agenda for this munch. She said we’d do introductions and then she’d just let it free flow. More people arrived and sat in a table behind us, so it was difficult to talk to them. Folks ordered food as they arrived so some people were eating, some were done, some were waiting for food. There were about a dozen of us in attendance.

At some point, the hostess started the group with introductions, to include, if you felt comfortable, your kink, orientation, what you’re here for/seeking, and to remember that the room did not have a door so don’t be very loud when talking and to stop if waitstaff were in the room as not to scare them. It was interesting to learn about people, there were all types there, but no other D/s couples. One man brought old swinger/BDSM want ad books from the 1980s that he’d found in some old paperwork and passed them around to see what it was like to use “analog-Fetlife” prior to computers! Before it was our turn, Maximus instructed me to do our introduction. i shared this was our first munch, that we’d been in the swinging lifestyle for years and years and had moved into BDSM four years ago. i continued that we were in a 24/7 D/s relationship, Maximus being Dominant, that i was bisexual and Maximus bi-comfortable (He’s ok that there might be touching or some male-male action happening around Him). i then shared that we had just returned from a swingers takeover in Mexico that had a large contingent of kink and that we were looking for like-minded others for a sense of community that we had built in the three years we had gone to that event. i had to stop several times for waitstaff to clear the room, so it felt a little disjointed. At some point one of the other guests made some comment aloud that i was speaking out of turn of my Dominant, doing our introductions, and i politely replied that Maximus had instructed me to do our introductions.

After everyone finished their introductions, it was just left to a free-for-all of conversations. The host and the man across from us asked about the takeover and i felt a bit of a rift between kink and swinging based upon their body language and inflection in their voices. When i described the name of the group, Life on the Swingset, the host cooed, “Oh isn’t that cuuute, like littles on swings…” i shared there were many kinksters there, no littles, but pets and ponies, to which the host and man seemed kinda bored with it. Then the host started heavily stroking my arm to demonstrate how swingers have no sense of consent, that they will touch you without asking permission–all while touching me without asking my permission! So i was pretty much done. Maximus was having a nice conversation with the man across the table who started showing Him pictures of women on his phone and they talked a lot about the Folsom Street Fair and our trip to at the Armory in San Francisco, including the class we took in the Upper Room.

Not much happened after that. It was difficult to talk to people behind us and we felt talked out with the host and the man across the table. So, somehow reading my mind, Maximus turned to me and asked if i was ready to go, which i was. We said our thank you’s and headed out.

Was it terrible? No. Was it great? No. Did we feel like we found our people? No. Will we go back? Yes, i need to know whether this munch was normal for this group or not.

We talked a lot on the ride home. Why is it so hard to find our people, the like-minded kinky, swinging, educated, fun people like we have in our Life on the Swingset Desire Takeover, here, local? We dressed nice, like we would whenever meeting new people, but others at this munch did not, in fact, they appeared just above grungy to us. And we felt kind of welcome, but not completely, especially with the comments about a submissive making the introduction and non-consensual touching as an example of how swingers behave. As we were leaving, we suddenly got requests to look up certain Fetlife places and usernames, but i just couldn’t remember them by the time we got to the car with my head reeling.

This might not have been our group. That’s ok. We went, and as i mentioned above, we’ll give it another chance as maybe it was an off-night due to the holidays, like the hostess said. And we’ll check out other munches–perhaps there are groups with more like-minded folks. But the key is, we went, and we’ll go again.

In the meantime, we have signed up for some classes. The more we put ourselves out there, the more likely we are to find likeminded folks. And i’ve been spending more time looking for and contacting potential others on our swinger sites for meetups. We’re also going to check out a swinger’s club associated with a kink organization in our area. So, we’ll keep trying!

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, munch | 4 Comments

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