jealousy

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

Help from One Ethical Slut to Another

i’m learning more about myself through this process. Most of it i love, some of it, i’m unhappy to see. And that’s ok, this needs to be an honest process and so necessary for us. i’m not perfect, have never professed to be, but i don’t like disappointing anyone, myself, or someone i love.

As i’ve written about over and over, i have had trouble understanding where i fit in with Ms. W. This has brought conflict several times and in increasing frequency. The weekend before last, Maximus noted that it was going to continue to be an area of conflict for us. i’ve insisted that i was not jealous and He said that He thought i was initially, but had come to realize that i was not, through my insistence.

i’m NOT dwelling on things, i’m moving forward! Today, as part of my self-directed journey to figure this out and to prevent ever again having a blow-up such as i had Sunday, i decided to reference a book i read a year ago, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. I found this book extremely insightful a year ago when considering my future in relationships. In fact, after Maximus and i met, i shared the book with Him because i thought it could be helpful for Him as well, as we’d had many conversations similar to the issues discussed in the book.

i remembered that there had been an entire chapter on jealousy and thought perhaps i needed to read it again. i have never considered myself a jealous person and have insisted that i have not been jealous, but after reading this chapter, i really need to own up to the fact that i, gabriella, have been jealous. i don’t like it at all. it feels like a personality failure. But i really need to own this and learn how to deal with it so i never blow up again.

“Let jealousy be your teacher. Jealousy can lead you to the very places where you most need healing. It can be your guide into into your own dark side and show you the way to total self-realization. Jealousy can teach you how to live in peace with yourself and with the whole world if you let it.” Deborah Anapol, Love Without Limits

Easton and Hardy advise “Once we are willing to confront the feeling of jealousy rather than run away from it, we can see more clearly what jealousy truly is for each of us…[it] may be an expression of insecurity, of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, or feeling inadequate.” They look at the roots of jealousy, from grief and loss, competitiveness and a desire to be number one, etc. i think the latter is true for me, so much so that it is written into our BDSM contract that we are each others primary relationship–i made sure that was in there. i think that my fear is that by Maximus sleeping with Ms. W., i lose my edge, that she is somehow diminishing my position with Him. It is the ultimate intimate thing, sleeping with someone, we have agreed that. i am jealous that Maximus desires to have that with her despite me agreeing, without exception, to not ever sleep with anyone else. It causes me great fear and insecurity.

Ok, i admit it, i’m jealous, but how do i fix this?

“So reassure yourself: there is no graceful way to unlearn jealousy. It’s kind of like learning to skate- you have to fall down and make a fool of yourself a few times before you become as graceful as a swan.”

So i’ve got the making a fool of myself down. The challenge, is restoring my internal security, not dependent upon Maximus’ love. This is not new for me. This is the thing i know about and fear, the boundary issue i have with love that i shared with Maximus (see the section on the permeable membrane in Becoming gabriella). Since my divorce, my personal power has been from me, from within, i fell in love with me. i need to remember to continue this despite being in love with Maximus, and not let His love for me be my validation–He doesn’t want this, He wants the strong, self-validated woman He met and fell in love with. Part of this is owning my shit, and the other is recognizing that i cannot do things or agree to things solely because i don’t want to disappoint Him. During my meltdown, i screamed, “i said i’d never do this, that i’d never lie to myself!” This is what i felt like, as if i had made decisions against myself, and it felt untrue. Maximus asked if i had been lying to Him. i hadn’t lied, would never lie, but i had disregarded my needs, not communicated my fears, and went ahead with an agreement that i thought i would learn to live with. i could not take it anymore and exploded–how could i be surprised? It’s not fair to me or Maximus for me to do this.

“Jealousy is not a cancer that you can cut out. It is a part of you, a way that you express fear and hurt. What you can do is change the way you experience jealousy, learn to deal with it as you learn to deal with-any emotion-until it becomes, not overwhelming and not exactly pleasant, but tolerable: a mild disturbance, like a rainy day rather than a typhoon.”

What do i need to do to change how i experience jealousy?

  • Acknowledge it. And don’t take it as a personality failure.

“It is particularly important that you own your jealousy, to yourself and to your intimates. If you try to pretend that you are not jealous when you are, others will perceive you as dishonest, or worse yet, they may believe you, and see no need to support or protect you because you’re fine, right? If you pretend to yourself that you are not jealous when you are, then your own emotions may try devious routes to bring themselves to your attention, which can generate intensely irrational feelings and behavior, temper tantrums and hissy fits, or perhaps even make you physically ill.” 

“When you deny jealousy, or any other difficult emotion, you put yourself in a harsh and difficult landscape, full of pitfalls and land mines. “Acting out” means doing things you dont understand, driven by emotions you have refused to be aware of- and denying your jealousy can lead you to act out harsh feelings in ways you will regret later.” 

  • Remember that it is my job to get my needs met.
  • Allow myself to feel it, but refuse to act on it. Yes, it is how you feel, but don’t give it power.

“Just feel it. It will hurt, and you will feel frightened and confused, but if you sit still, and listen to yourself with compassion and support for the scared child inside, the first thing you will learn is that the experience of jealousy is survivable. You have the strength to get through it.”

“By actively choosing to experience a painful feeling like jealousy, you are already starting to reduce its power over you. First, you decide that you will not allow your jealousy to make you run screaming over the horizon. And so you exercise your first form of control over jealousy. I will hold steady and stay with myself and my feelings.”
  • Be good to myself. Keep my virtues at their full value and cherish them.
“…remember that the most important part of love is not the love, however wonderful, that you or another can have for your beauty and strength and virtue. The real test of love is when a person- including you- can know your weaknesses, your stupidities and your smallnesses, and still love you.”
“Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself while you learn
to work through jealousy…nurture yourself. Give yourself permission to take the best possible care of yourself. You deserve it.”
  •   Cry. Let it out.
“The images you see in your mind are the perfect reflection of your own fears. One way to come to terms with your fears is to acknowledge them: “Yes, I’m afraid of that.” You can take it even further, and work through the fears by envisioning the worst possible scenario that you can imagine. Go ahead, wallow in it.Elaborate it until it becomes ridiculous.” 
    • Write about it without blaming anyone, including myself.
      “It is okay to cover pages of your journal with FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I HATE THIS! in bright red ink…Try writing down your stream of consciousness, which means whatever you find in your head whether or not it makes sense, and see what you get.Treasures, jewels of self knowledge are often found here.”

      “Make a list of everything you value about your relationship, and put it aside for a rainy day. Be an optimist, turn your mind to the positive end of things. Value what you have, and what you get from your partner; the time, attention and love that he shares with you, the good stuff that fills your cup. Avoid being the pessimist who focuses on what is not there, the energy that goes somewhere else. That energy is not subtracted from what you get- relationships are not balanced like checkbooks. So when you are feeling deprived, remember all the good stuff you get from your partnership.”

      • Breathe.
      • Communicate effectively. Own it.
      “When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of than we would have if no difficulty had arisen in the first place. So we strongly recommend that you and your partners give each other the profoundly bonding experience of sharing your vulnerabilities. We are all human, we are all vulnerable, and we all need validation.”

      i will use these strategies. i have to. i cannot go through what happened ever again, not for us, not for me. This was devastating and tore my own heart out. Its disappointing to realize i’m jealous, but i am and i need to acknowledge that. i never thought i’d be jealous, ever, and part of the disappointment is being wrong. i do feel better acknowledging it.

      “So when you get this far, congratulate yourself. Celebrate your successes: write “I am a genius!” two hundred times with lots of bright colors.”

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      Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, Ethical Slut, jealousy | Leave a comment

      Who’s Your Daddy?

      Last night a Facebook page i follow, Limits and Temptations, posted this topic for discussion:

      Topic for discussion: Jealousy. How do you, as a sub/slave/bottom deal with your Owner/Master/Dom/Daddy/Sir having others serve them?

      And i realized i should have addressed this in my last posting (Sex with Friends) about my weekend with Mountain Man and Sunflower.

      Maximus and i come to BDSM by way of the swinging lifestyle. We met each other at a house party years ago, both attached to other people (not BDSM attached, married). So, we have a lot of experience with sharing ourselves and being comfortable with our partners being with others, both in our presence and outside of that. The swinging lifestyle is something that we enjoy, fits our personalities and needs, and is not something either of us are willing to give up. Separately, we have come to realize we are not monogamous people, although we are extremely LOYAL people. Sex and love are two different things for us, something we can separate. We have sex with many others, and while we may have deep connections with some of our lifestyle friends, we LOVE only each other.

      We discussed in great detail how swinging lifestyle would fit into our Dom/sub relationship when we worked on our contract. Our contract allows for Maximus or i to “enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than each other….in or outside the presence of either party, at any location, at any time.” We live separately, three hours apart, thus our time together is limited; we both understand and respect that we are sexual beings and desire sexual relations more frequently than our time together allows. Maximus may not “loan” me to any other Dominant, however; He may “direct” me to “serve another Dominant” within the limits of my BDSM allowable activities list, but i am not to be loaned as even temporary property to another. Maximus is my Master and i am solely His property and cannot be owned by any other Dominant. Additionally, per our contract, i will be Maximus’ only sub and He cannot take ownership of any other subs. Should it please Him to have me serve another Dominant, i will obey. It pleases Him that i play with others and share my stories with Him–and i enjoy hearing about His experiences as well.

      We are both free to continue our swinging activities together and separately with existing and new partners, but we are required to notify each other of requests and scheduled rendezvous promptly. We both understand that some events are spontaneous and our contract requires us to notify the other as soon as possible after a spontaneous, unplanned encounter. It is understood that some activities on our BDSM activities list may occur with others during these times, such as spanking or flogging or bondage, but they are activities, and do not represent the development of a new Dom/sub relationship. Acquisition of a new sub or Dom, or declaring love for another represents a catastrophic breech of our contract and betrayal of our commitment to each other.

      We do have one very specific rule in regards to swinging. We both find sleeping with someone, as in actually sleeping, not the euphemism for the act of having sex, to be extremely intimate and special. Except in very special situations that are communicated and mutually agreed upon, we are not to sleep with anyone other than each other. When we are together, we will always sleep together. This includes situations where we may be playing in separate areas at a party or at our homes and may dose off in afterglow–we will always get up and find each other in order to sleep in each others arms for the remainder of the event. We may agree to return to play with others after that, but it is unacceptable for either of us to spend the entire event apart without spending intimate time connecting with each other and affirming our commitment. My sleeping with Mountain Man and Sunflower was discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the event and approved because i would be sleeping with them together, not alone with Mountain Man, which would have been a breech. Therefore, when Sunflower left my bed, it was no longer acceptable for me to be sleeping with Mountain Man (for several reasons, which i discussed in my earlier post).

      The great thing about incorporating swinging into our BDSM relationship is that it gives us the ability to learn from more experienced others since we are new to BDSM. We have recently met another couple, who lives near Maximus, who have been in BDSM for years. This couple has expressed interest in Maximus playing separately with them and with her alone, and we are both very excited for Him to have the potential to learn from this arrangement. Maximus and i talked a lot before Mountain Man and Sunflower came to stay this past weekend, knowing that they were venturing into BDSM and Mountain Man had expressed interest in my BDSM activities list. My instructions from Maximus was to learn, accept training from Mountain Man, and that it would please Him for me to serve Mountain Man in whatever way he desired–i was not being loaned to Mountain Man, i was being asked to serve him in a BDSM role and obey his requests. i was serving Maximus in this situation and this is the distinct difference in being with Maximus and any other Dominant. Mountain Man was being dominant, but was not my Dominant–he’s Sunflower’s Dominant.

      So my reply to Limits and Temptations would be, no, there is no jealousy for Maximus, my Dominant, to be served by another submissive, as long as it is done within the agreements in our contract. There are times that i have questioned the nature of His relationship with another, for clarification, such as the case of Ms. W, because i assumed He was in love with her, but He has assured me that He is not. If He were to fall in love with someone else, wildcat jealousy would not even begin to describe my response, and rightly so. i would expect the same from Him.

      Categories: BDSM, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, jealousy, playing separate, playing together, sex vs. love, submissive, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

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