intuition

Spidey Senses

my-guts

i’ve always had strong gut instincts. my radar goes off almost immediately if i encounter something or someone that might be a problem. i have learned to honor that, through trial and error! And Maximus has learned to pay attention when i tell Him my guts don’t feel right about someone or something. Perhaps it’s all my years in public safety, but “Spidey senses” are legitimate!

We recently had a man come to our door who was so creepy that i refused to open it and got Maximus for assistance. In fact, before we figured out that he was there for a reason and not someone who’d cased our property, a neighbor confirmed our feelings when he arrived at her house. Turns out, after lots of research and police reports, he was legitimately there for an appraisal for our insurance company, but honestly, a super creeper. We’re still pursuing formal complaints on this man, who arrived with fully unzipped pants, shirt half pulled out of his waistband, crawling through our bushes, looking like a whacking-off peeping Tom.

i have relied on my gut instincts in the lifestyle, in addition to researching people, especially when i was flying solo as a single female. If we have been in contact to meet and have exchanged some information, emails, etc., i have searched them out. i’ve/We’ve not met with people based upon findings of my research and gut feelings, and we’ve left meet-ups based upon my tingling spidey-senses. We’ve even left play parties because of this. There is an old adage, “If there’s a question, there’s no question” and i believe this. If you have a question about someone, if they make your spidey-senses go off, if there’s something you just can’t put your finger on–leave, get assistance if you need it. Your gut is telling you something for a reason.

Categories: BDSM, fear, Instincts, intuition | 1 Comment

Lies

The other night i noticed odd behavior from Maximus. He wouldn’t put His phone down, walked everywhere through the house with it, even while changing His clothes. When He went to bed He first put the phone on the charger in my office but after i got up shortly thereafter, He got up and put it next to Him in bed. He’d also revealed accidentally to me days before that He’d changed the access code as well. This made me uncomfortable.

So in the morning, i accessed His phone. And i found that He’d deleted years of text messages thread, everything actually, from Ms. W. Every text from everyone else for years was still there, all but hers. Next, I found an unread email from her in His inbox telling Him she missed Him and related details if His week. And on His sent folder, an email thread from the day after His epiphany all about Finding days to get together and details of His evening…that happened at a time i’d been unable to get a hold of Him.

He’s been telling me throughout our counseling that He’s not had any contact with her, not seen her, not talked or texted or emailed her. Not only has He been doing that, but He’s been continuing it after He had this supposed glorious breakthrough where He said He was going to move on and not contact her.

i started with Imago. And He said it was all true, that He had lied to me deliberately about this and felt justified in doing so as He felt it would keep us from resolving our issues.

Seriously?!? Containing an ongoing secret, lying affair with a woman which has been the crux of our relationship crisis would be helpful to resolving our issues? In what world does that make sense?

Furthermore, Maximus has continually told me that He believes in honesty and truth so much that if He ever lied to me, or anyone He was in a relationship with, it was proof that the relationship was over.

So, to me, He’s telling me that He’s deliberately lied to me and that means He’s done.

i have been completely bare and honest, both in counseling and on this blog. i have shared how lying and dishonesty in my past relationship has been so hurtful and harmed me so greatly that even the fear of it can cause me to rage. He’s fully aware if this. And He deliberately did that to me.

He thanked me for not raging. And then He tells me, when i remind Him of His promise about if He lies to His partner, that “I gave Myself a pass.”

And that’s where i raged. Threw all His stuff in bags, clothes, sex toys, gifts. Everything. i carefully put His computer away and then as i brought it to Him i wondered…how many times has He been with her during this process? How many times has He been fucking her? It’s not in His daytimer where He puts EVERYTHING. i ask Him over and over and He won’t answer. i pulled put His daytimer and pulled pages out.

He screams, “That’s My life! You’re destroying My life!” And years the daytimer out of my hands. i yell back, “it’s a daytimer, You are actually destroying my life, our relationship.”

It was ugly and awful and we yelled and struggled. Eventually we sat down and talked more. He didn’t leave and Ge helped clean up the mess we made of the house and unpacked the car.

i texted Fern and we have an appointment with her this afternoon.

But i’m furious. Emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. And i was short with Him. Which pissed Him off and He packed up again. i told Him to stop and after some time He did.

We talked. He went to sleep and i couldn’t.

This morning He got up, didn’t touch me, didn’t acknowledge me, got showered, dressed, made coffee for himself and went into my office and started working.

i left.

i look at this and think, why should i continue this? How long do i wait for there to be an honest happy relationship with Him? It’s been 10 months of angst with 9 days of bliss, based on lies.

Guilt for breaking up Ms. W’s marriage? How about breaking up our relationship? Try THAT guilt on for size. It’s not a belief, this one is FACT.

Categories: anger, communication, conflict, counseling, intuition, lying | Leave a comment

Liar

Maximus has been lying to me about Ms. W.

i am devastated.

Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, counseling, insecurities, intuition, lying, relationship | Leave a comment

i Love Your Guts

The past few months have been a bit rough for me. The night before New Year’s Eve, when Maximus was on His way down for our Christmas and New Year’s, i got a call that my grandmother was severely ill and needed to come immediately because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night. i quickly changed my clothes, took dinner out of the oven, and got everything ready to head north with Maximus as soon as He arrived, which was slated to be in minutes. Just as He arrived in the driveway, however, i got another call to stand down, that she was going to be ok and to go ahead with our holiday plans. Gah! She’s not progressed well, however, and three weeks ago we put her in hospice care at the assisted living facility she lives in. It’s been a roller coaster of better and worse days, but mostly a waiting game for her to let go.

i’d not been able to see Grandma for several weeks because of my illness, and was finally able to this past weekend. She’s not really communicative, hasn’t eaten for weeks, mostly sleeps other than a few hours where she sits with her eyes open but they are glassy, and we’re not really sure if she’s registering anything. The second day i was there, she was awake when my mom and i arrived in the morning, finding her partway out of her bed. We helped her back into bed, told her how bright her eyes looked this morning (which they did, different than the day before), and when i turned to pick up a washcloth to wash her face i heard her say, “I’m dying.” This surprised me as earlier in the month she was very resistant to that eventuality. i sat on her bed next to her and she continued, “I’m dying and I want you to know I love you very, very much.” This so startled me that she was talking so clearly and accepting of what was happening that my eyes instantly welled up and tears ran down my face. She kissed me and said, “Don’t cry, don’t let it bother you when I die.” i told her that i loved her too and that she just surprised me. i assured her that i wouldn’t let it bother me and not to let it bother her about dying. We reassured her that it was ok to go, that we would always love her. She sat quietly after that and eventually went to sleep.

i went home that afternoon thinking that she would probably pass away that night or the next day. Besides finally appearing at peace with dying and saying goodbyes, she was displaying other signs of the final stages, according to the hospice nurse, such as a very good day of consciousness, a fever, and picking at her bedclothes. i felt good that we’d said our goodbyes and was hopeful that she could go and finally be at peace.

But that did not happen. She’s still lingering on and i have been so torn about it. i so want her to be able to go and i find myself disappointed that she didn’t. i feel badly for my mom who has been caring for her and at her side for the last two months. i feel badly that i wasn’t able to help due to my illness. i was ready and she seemed ready and i don’t know what’s holding her back.

During these past several days, Maximus has been traveling for work and is in Cincinnati. This trip has been very important and i’ve not wanted to interrupt Him. i also didn’t want to text Him with trivial things as i knew that getting a text during His meeting would startle Him into thinking grandma had passed away or i was upset and would be a huge distraction for Him. i let Him communicate with me and i responded, rather than our typical pattern of communication which is texting each other at any passing thought. It wasn’t that i didn’t want to talk to Him, i did.

During the couple of times we talked on the phone late in the evening (His late, being three hours ahead due to the time difference on the east coast), our conversations consisted of Him being very excited and animated about His trip, the travel, goings on in the bar and flirting with girls there, and His meeting. i let Him talk, i didn’t share with Him how i was feeling and what was going on, and as my submissive self, didn’t feel right in interjecting about what was happening here. i desperately wanted Him to ask me about what was happening and i wanted it to come from Him, not be steered by me. Unfortunately, it meant that He went on and on about all His stuff and i just didn’t have the capacity to deal with it. We’d have ten to fifteen minutes of texting or talk about His stuff before He asked how i was doing and by that time i was just so exhausted by it that i couldn’t talk about it at all. i felt my stuff was a huge let-down after all His excitement. i wanted His stuff to cheer me up and ending our conversation with my stuff didn’t allow that. All i wanted to do was to get off the phone. And that didn’t go well as i was emotional, frustrated, and He didn’t understand and wanted to hear was what happening, not wanting to let me go.

The last night of His trip was the worst conversation. Our phone call followed the same pattern and during His talking He mentioned that members of His team were texting Him wondering where He was and that they were waiting for Him in the bar–i told Him to go. He didn’t want to, He’d waited all day to hear my voice and get an update. This got very frustrating for me and i ended up raising my voice, insisting over and over to go to the bar, that i didn’t do anything significant that day to tell Him about (i really hadn’t, i had no energy and wandered around my house) and just wanted to get off the phone. i desperately wanted off the phone and absolutely did NOT want to hang up on Him, but i was at my emotional limit. He finally relented out of frustration and we said goodbye and hung up.

i didn’t feel He was being sensitive to what i needed. i texted how i felt and He replied that He was trying to be sensitive but had not been able to convey that. i let Him know that i didn’t have the capacity to hear for ten minutes how cool everything was there, that i wasn’t angry, just didn’t have the emotional capacity for it. i let Him know that i needed to get out of the conversation and didn’t want to hang up on Him, apologized for raising my voice. He said He understood.

Hours later, i hadn’t gotten a goodnight text from Him, like He always does. i texted Him, asking if we could talk. i was prepared to talk about what i needed. There was no reply so i called His room to leave a message, thinking He was still at the bar and didn’t hear His phone. He answered. i was taken aback, realizing that He’d gone to bed without saying goodnight.

He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know whether to text goodnight or not, not sure if reaching out to me was ok or not. i shared that it hurt to not hear goodnight from Him, that we would not have done that if we were physically together. He agreed. i then shared what i needed from Him, how i needed to be selfish right now and talk about me first, have Him ask about me and what’s going on, not hear for ten minutes how cool everything is there. i needed His stories to cheer me up after i share what’s going on and how i’m feeling here.

He felt horrible because He’d ignored His gut feelings. His gut was telling Him that i was not doing ok but when He asked me at the very start of every conversation, “How are you doing?” and i answered, “i’m okay…”, He ignored His gut and “took the wrong easy way” and continued self-absorbed in His conversation about Himself. “It was so wrong and I’m so sorry I did that,” He continued. i explained that “okay…” was not great or super or wonderful, which are my normal responses to Him when He asks how i am. Okay means i’m just hanging on. Being on the other side of the country is tearing Him up when i’m struggling here. He’s experiencing a level of empathy He’s not felt before for anyone.

He related His gut feelings about how i was doing to a time He was swimming along the coastline in Hawaii. While swimming, He got an uneasy gut feeling that He needed to get out of the water–there wasn’t anything that He saw that explained that feeling, it was just an overwhelming sense that He needed to get out of the water. When He walked out onto the beach, a lifeguard approached Him and told Him how glad they were that He got out of the water as several tiger sharks were following Him and they were trying to figure out how to get Him out of the water and away from them before they attacked. Had He ignored His gut, He might have been attacked and maybe killed.

He was disappointed that He’d ignored His gut this time and it was no less as dangerous. He apologized and i accepted His apology. And i promised to not let my submissive nature and desire to serve everyone get in the way of communicating what i really need. We also promised to never, ever go to sleep without saying goodnight. He ended our talk by telling me how important this conversation was–this was a first for Maximus, Him acknowledging how important a difficult discussion was. This alone made me love His guts even more.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, death and dying, intuition | Leave a comment

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