Training Day, May 2, 2016


Maximus was traveling home Sunday from the East coast, so we did my training Monday.

First, He wanted to share with me how proud of me He was, for the dates with RunnerGirl and for going to the lifestyle party. It has made Him very happy that i am venturing back in the swinging world, as i was active as a single female before our relationship. That being said, He does understand that i am not comfortable with initiating swinger relationships with single males at this time and not sure i will go back to that, for a variety of reasons. i don’t feel i have the same “safety net” network here as i did in Portland, i.e. swinger friends to check in with during dates with single men, and Maximus travels so much that He would probably be far away, unable to help me should i needed it. And since Maximus travels so much, i fear that single men might try to take advantage of His absence, something i’m just not willing to deal with right now. It isn’t so much that i fear i would go astray on Maximus, as His previous wife, JB, did, that’s not the issue, it’s having a single man try to push into that space and dealing with the drama that causes.

Second, Maximus shared that He really missed me this past week while He was gone. Even though we were in contact a lot via text and phone calls, He missed my presence, my skin. It wasn’t because i was with RunnerGirl, it wasn’t jealously, he just realized how much He loves to be together. He added,

This is the most important relationship I have and I do not take it lightly.

He was also amazed about how different our relationship is than between SwimmerGuy and his wife, it really struck Him. He noticed that SwimmerGuy wasn’t calling his wife or family in the evenings and actually asked him if he was going to call them (and he did after Maximus inquired). One evening, Maximus was perusing the Nordstrom website looking for things for me when SwimmerGuy asked what He was doing. Maximus replied, “I’m ordering clothes and shoes for gabriella. Don’t you do that for your wife?” SwimmerGuy said he had never done that, to which Maximus suggested he try it. SwimmerGuy ended up ordering several items for his wife (after a phone call to determine her sizes). Maximus often (not every time) hides love notes throughout the house when He leaves for business trips, something He picked up after being at SwimmerGuy’s house a few years ago and seeing Post-It Notes from SwimmerGuy to his wife. Maximus thought this was a wonderful gesture that He wanted to emulate–turns out that this was a one time thing from SwimmerGuy, not a habit. It shocked Maximus that He had a picture of SwimmerGuy’s relationship based upon those love notes and made some assumptions about their “perfect marriage” that were incorrect. Not saying that their marriage is in any sort of trouble, but Maximus had always seen it differently than it really is. He takes a lot of pride in our relationship, our communication, and how our dynamic has built such strength and closeness.

Third, Maximus wanted to review what we had discussed last week, my strengths/weaknesses and interpersonal skills. In particular, He wanted to delve more into why i have the tendency to deny myself the finer things as if i’m undeserving. “What is the reason?” He asked.

i really don’t know why i have that tendency. Apart from a chemistry set i begged my parents for Christmas year after year, i was never wanting as a child. my parents didn’t deny us things we wanted, although we had to wait for when we could afford some things, but that isn’t something out of the ordinary for anyone. However, i did relate a story from when i was a teen. When i was 15, the father of some children i had babysat was driving me home and had complimented me on something. i apparently had denied it or put myself down or something of that sort, because i can clearly remember him telling me, “you need to learn how to take a compliment. Say thank you.” It’s not that i don’t feel deserving, it’s not that i don’t know i am talented and have made great achievements, it’s that i think i need to be modest and not boastful, so i tend to poo-poo compliments. Gifts from Maximus are compliments and i guess i get a bit modest about them, maybe in a way to show that i don’t hold Him to an expectation for them. But also, in terms of gifts, He tends to buy things i would NEVER had bought for myself–exclusive, expensive things that i wouldn’t have even saved money for to buy for myself. Yes, i need a purse…i would buy one on sale, a knock-off. Yes, i need a car, but i would’ve purchased a mid-range SUV, not a luxury SUV. They are beyond what i need or desire–i appreciate them, but i feel badly that He spent so much on something i wouldn’t have bought myself.

The conundrum is, that when we studied The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, which i wrote about in Translation!! and Our Book Club in 2013, Receiving Gifts is the primary way i feel loved. However, for me, it is as simple as a love note left in the apple crisper in the refrigerator when He goes away on a business trip or the Barcelona brand chocolate bar He got for me because it made Him think of our plans to visit that city in the Fall. But i need to learn to take the compliment and just say thank you, not put myself down. Maximus recently purchased a pair of very expensive shoes for me as a thank you for helping Him write a nomination for a very prestigious award for one of His staff–well, they weren’t just expensive, they were couture, rare, something i might have marveled at a picture of in a magazine, but never, ever would have in my wildest dreams ever considered owning. It was difficult for me to accept as it seemed to me an extravagant gift for something very simple for me to do that took very little time. But, what i don’t realize, is that while it was simple for me to do, it was a huge task for Him, and my work took His words and made it “spectacular” (in His words). To Him, the values match.

Maximus added, “Just say thank you. you always say ‘thank you’ when I take you out for a meal–you always have, even when we were first friends. I’ve always thought that was strange, that you thank me for taking you out, especially now when it’s our money, not just Mine.”

“For me, growing up, going out to dinner was a special thing, so we always said thank you for the meal,” i replied. “i appreciate being taken out. It’s a special thing for me.”

“Giving you a gift is a special thing for me. Just say thank you.”

i was looking forward to training today as i wanted to share something with Maximus, something i learned from last week’s training and applied. During our discussion of my interpersonal skills, i identified the feeling that i’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough to approach some people as a weakness of mine. i know this keeps me from meeting people and that i needed to work on this. i had a success story to share with Maximus!

When RunnerGirl and i arrived at the lifestyle party last weekend, there was a very nice, upscale, good-looking couple right behind us. They were a couple i would normally shy away from talking to because the female half, quite frankly, is gorgeous, great body, etc. and would hope Maximus would approach them, if He were with me, or just shy away from and wish later i had talked to, had i been solo. i ran into them a little later at the party and decided i was going to get over myself and talk to them. Well we hit it off! We actually talked a few more times and ended up exchanging profile names for one of our mutual swinger sites. The following morning i looked them up and sent them a quick note to let them know it was nice chatting with them and asked them to let us know if they might be interested in meeting Maximus and me for drinks sometime to get to know each other better. Well they replied, yes, that they had enjoyed meeting me and were very much interested. They even invited us to meet them at an upcoming lifestyle party. Lesson learned for me.

Maximus shared His Big Three when it comes to women:




“gabriella, you have all three,” stated Maximus.”i wouldn’t be with you if you didn’t have those three attributes. you have nothing to feel inferior about with anybody.”

Maximus was very pleased with how i had applied my training and asked that i continue to work on this. He asked that i continue to bring Him more examples of how i have ventured out of my comfort zone.

So there wasn’t any new training this week, as we spent a lot of time on the review. It was important as i really did take last week’s training to heart and worked on the things He’d gone over with me. i am excited for new challenges!

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, The 5 Love Languages, training | Leave a comment

Where Have i Been?


i know it’s been a long time. What happened? Well i got tired. Turns out, my thyroid gland pooped out, caused by my adrenal glands pooping out a couple years ago, unbeknownst to me. It appears that stress from work and Ironman training plus a severe bout of influenza back in 2011 led to my adrenal dysfunction and caused my uterine fibroids, polycystic ovaries, and endometriosis in 2012, for which i had my hysterectomy (see It’s Hysterical for more). However, the underlying cause wasn’t recognized, so the hormonal imbalance caused by the hysterectomy taxed my thyroid gland to the point where i couldn’t function in my daily life. Thanks to an astute naturopathic physician, i am on the road to recovery!

The puzzle pieces came together this fall and i’ve been going through treatment to recover, which has been my primary focus in life. Maximus has been wonderfully supportive during this time and He pretty much curtailed our D/s so i could heal. That has been difficult for me, as i felt He was pulling away, but we’ve talked about it and i understand.

As i am feeling so much better, nearly back to my old self, i asked Maximus if we could return to our D/s and He felt it was a good time to do that. So this past weekend we went through our contract, made a couple of updates, and are restarting my training.

Contract Updates

Appendix 1, Sleep. Maximus wanted to make an adjustment to sleeping arrangements if i was involved with swinging play without Him. He feels that sleeping with someone is very intimate, more than fucking someone, so did not want my sleeping with anyone else. However, He has come to realize that may be primarily with me sleeping with men. i am seeing a bi-female right now and we are talking about her staying the night later this week and Maximus felt it would be acceptable to Him if she slept with me in our bed rather than the guest bed. Thus, it was amended that:

Should the submissive be in a situation of separate play, she shall sleep alone, not with any other parties, unless negotiated prior to engagement.

Appendix 1, Sex. We thought this had been struck from the contract in our last amendment, in fact, i’d documented the change in Contract and Rules Updated post in November, but it was still in the document that i was to post in my blog about any orgasms outside of Maximus’ presence. We removed this clause as it was preventing me from masterbating.

Appendix 1, Work/Life Balance. Maximus requested that i help Him attain a better work/life balance.

The Dominant wishes to conclude His business day at 5:30 PM. In order to achieve this, the submissive shall notify the Dominant at 5:00 PM and serve drinks at 5:30 PM for the transition from work to home. The typical transition period will be approximately 30 minutes, termed “Happy Half,” for discussion and drinks to allow the Dominant to unwind from His day prior to dinner.

Appendix 1, Training. i really am out of training with this long break and have developed some bad habits. While our contract specifies that Maximus shall train me, He felt it was important to reiterate this in the appendix to set up scheduled training times.

The Dominant will schedule submissive training as needed.

My training will be conducted weekly and i will journal about these sessions.

So that’s where we’re at. It feels like a couple years of starts and stops and starts and stops, and it has been. We both feel that life is settling down, that the disruptive major life changes are behind us now and we can focus again on our D/s.

Categories: 24/7, adrenal fatigue, D/s, hypothyroidism, relationship | Leave a comment

Reflections on Desire, Part 3


Kinky Desire

Last year when we went to Desire we didn’t really see much kinky, BDSM play. There was one collared submissive, a latex couple, a demonstration on flogging, but really we got the impression that kinky BDSM play wasn’t really a part of this group. It was fine, we’re happy to be just swingers.

But this year, as we’d been working on defining our M/s, we struggled with going just as swingers. We’d had a long enough break from Total Power Exchange (TPE) and we were looking forward to bringing ourselves back up to speed during this trip. As we talked about what to pack for the trip, however, we just felt we might isolate ourselves if we brought too many BDSM accouterments. We’d run into this before when Maximus had me wear my foxtail butt plug to one of M&S’s swinger parties…it just kind of creeped-out our friends.

So Maximus picked out our toys accordingly. We left my collar and cuffs at home and Maximus instructed me to get one of those elastic stretch tattoo necklaces that i could wear 24/7 to represent my collar. He felt i would be more comfortable with that anyway due to the heat. And we packed our Sportsheets cuffs and tethers. Maximus wanted our small and medium floggers, as well as our crop, as we saw there would be another flogging demonstration. Because we were hosting a sensory deprivation orgy, i packed all of our blindfolds, including my special leather one for me, and our feather on a stick. We had several dildos and vibrators, including two wands, the penis extender (mainly for us in our room as not to freak people out), and my new InJoyUs strapless strap-on because we had some strap-on play last year. We also brought rope and safety shears. The kinkiest toys we packed were my Bejeweled butt plug, clover nipple clamps on a chain, and nipple suction, all important devices for Maximus which He intended to use in our room.

However, shortly after we arrived, we realized there were a lot more kinky people at the Life on the Swingset Desire takeover this year! And we wished we’d brought our kinky toys. Not only were there kinksters, but several more people in D/s or M/s dynamics. This was exciting for us, as we wanted to talk to others about their dynamic and learn from them about their protocols, rules, et cetera. J.V. and Shara of Ending the Sexual Dark Age were there, as well as an M/s couple from California who manage a dungeon. Our friends from the last year, Eagle Scout and Mmmm, who we thought had a D/s dynamic, were actually going to be doing one of the flogging demonstrations with J.V.! Wow, had we underestimated the group this year!

There were several kink events. J.V. and Shara hosted several munches, and quite a few people attended. There was a kinky toy show-and-tell after the vanilla toy show-and-tell, and that was the first time we really realized we had made a mistake in not bringing our kink bag. And then there was the flogging demonstration and a kink salon hosted by J.V. and Shara.

The flogging demonstration was wonderful. J.V. discussed dungeon etiquette, consent, RISK and SSC, and types of floggers. But as soon as i walked in, i could hear jingling rings of collars worn by Mmmm and LodiPet, and my mood immediately dropped–i missed my collar. It was the same reaction i had when i went to Venus in Fur with AwesomeA, that sound triggers something in me. Eagle Scout demonstrated Florentine flogging on Mmmm which was beautiful to watch, and then J.V. flogged Ginger from the Swingset crew.

We did win a raffle prize–a gorgeous leather rose flogger. It really is

beautiful, so much so that i thought it wasn’t one of the options to choose from at the prize table! We’ve not used it yet, but i’m sure it will lead to a journal posting once we do.

Maximus was very interested in learning new flogging techniques from Eagle Scout. We had a great connection with him and Mmmm last year and this year picked right up where we left off. Maximus and i had discussed having Eagle Scout flog me and we’d also discussed this with Mmmm and Eagle Scout, to which they had also expressed interest.

We had a chance to do this at J.V. and Shara’s salon. The four of us were the first to arrive, giving us enough space to do this in their suite. i leaned forward, holding onto a ledge while Eagle Scout performed Florentine flogging while explaining it to Maximus. He offered Maximus an opportunity to try it out, but He’d had a few drinks and did not feel comfortable trying it under that condition. i was surprised, the flogging got fairly intense for me quite quickly. i knew from the demonstration earlier that he wasn’t even close to mid-steam. It seemed like the flogger was hitting in the same places at the lateral ends on my outer thighs, and i had to use my yellow safeword. Eagle Scout was surprised as well, as my skin hadn’t even gotten reddened or warm. After discussing it with Eagle Scout, Maximus and i both realized that we’d not done a lot of work on my backside other than short sequences of flogging, spanking, and the crop. The majority of the work has been on my breasts. Learning this, Eagle Scout did some flogging on my breasts, and while he was concerned about going too strong, it was barely registering on me and i wished he’d done more. Turns out he’d done very little breast flogging and was very nervous about it. i’d like more!

Maximus took me to the bed after the flogging and applied the nipple suction tubes. People were very intrigued. He worked them for about 45 minutes, pulling my nipples over an inch. We walked around and socialized, talked about the nipple suction and the nipple play that Maximus does, including pinching until i orgasm, nipple clamps with and without weights, clothes pins, and striking my clamped breasts with the crop. He removed the tubes, which didn’t have a lot of orgasmic or painful response since they’d not been on too long. Shara brought me over a towel and wrapped it around my shoulders and thanked me for sharing our scene, sharing that she could not have endured such nipple play. i was so surprised. i was truly honored that she thanked me for our scene, i was just humbled by her and her words. Several others, including Mmmm, LodiPet, and Ginger also expressed that they could not imagine such play. i realized that Maximus had succeeded in nipple and breast torture training of me, giving me great endurance. He noted, however, that it was obviously time to do similar training to my backside…

We learned a valuable lesson this year at Desire. We learned how important it is to be our authentic selves. Fear, and really, irrational fear, lead us to not bringing tools that allow us to fully express ourselves, and because of that, we missed out on some things that truly give us pleasure. i missed my collar and cuffs–i am so proud of them and what they represent, and i felt their absence. We will bring our complement of BDSM equipment next year, even if that means checking a third bag. We are among friends, among peers, among fellow kinksters. We are who we are, and although some people may not understand it, there are many who will and many who appreciate authenticity.

Categories: BDSM, breast torture, D/s, Desire, Dom/sub, Ending the Sexual Dark Age, flogging, J.V. and Shara, M/s, Sex resort | 2 Comments

Who are we?

question-marksIt’s been a hard year for me, maybe not hard/difficult, but a disappointing struggle. But it wasn’t about Maximus, not about our relationship, not about me retiring and moving in with Him into a 24/7 M/s situation, but with my body. i’ve just never recovered from getting the uterine fibroids and hysterectomy to remove them–my body never came back, despite trying to force it back into shape, both physically and endurance-wise. i was afraid to admit it, but finally a few months ago i resigned to the fact that something was wrong with me. Long story short (will be another journal entry), after seeing several doctors, i have a poorly functioning thyroid gland, barely functioning adrenal glands, and a previously unknown genetic predisposition (due to two mutations) for this. i’m not lazy or crazy! i am starting the path to recovery, and hopeful things will improve over the next few months.

my health didn’t just impact me, however. Maximus has struggled on how to help, what to say or not say, whether to hold us to our M/s or not. He finally decided to just let the M/s go for a while, including BDSM play and vanilla sex. Unfortunately, i was not aware of this and only felt Him pulling away. This only made me feel worse, thinking that He was not desiring me. i finally asked why He wasn’t interested in me and we talked about what was going on. i had just come to the conclusion that i needed to see a specialist about my health, so we had a very frank and open conversation about everything.

What we really want, both of us, is to get back into our M/s. Really, we’ve not strayed too far out of it, i’ve operated on the assumption of service, it’s just that Maximus did not feel comfortable with me in my state to be very forceful or strict about my training. There were many days i just didn’t feel well and my attitude reflected that, which Maximus didn’t deal with. Right or wrong, it’s what happened.

Last week we reviewed our contract, which prompted a lot of great discussions. One thing that came up was the question, “Who are we?” We both want M/s, my serviceheart desires that, but Maximus just is not comfortable with the aspect of physical discipline we tend to see and read about with M/s relationships (don’t get me wrong, Maximus loves physical BDSM, but physically punishing me for something i have done incorrectly or for discipline in my service is not the leader He is. It caused us concern that perhaps we weren’t doing it right or perhaps it’s not what we really mean when we say M/s. So Maximus has tasked me with researching M/s relationships to investigate how we fit into it, what we need to do, contract adjustments, protocols, etc.

So far, the research has been fascinating! i’m re-reading things i/we read in the past when we were preparing for my move up and our 24/7 M/s, and i’ve found some other things that are very insightful and helpful. i will be journalling about this as we go through this process to re-establish our M/s.

Categories: 24/7, adrenal fatigue, BDSM relationship, D/s, hypothyroidism, M/s, Total Power Exchange, TPE | Leave a comment

Picking up where i left off!

Oh my, has it been a long time! We’ve not dissolved, life just got too busy to manage the blog on top of everything, so Maximus allowed me to suspend my journal writing. i realize that seems counterproductive, that my journal writing should have been higher priority and that it could have been helpful, but it was just too much and became a stressor rather than a release. D/s and swinging took a backseat as well, as i really needed the recovery time still from my hysterectomy and getting my body confidence back.

So here i am! i finished my master’s degree last week–woo hoo! The house remodeling is over, now it’s just the fun stuff, evolving the landscape, etc. i’m now back to running, quilting, and blogging. And, we’re getting back into D/s and swinging. i could make a million excuses for us, but it’s just not necessary and we will be better for the break.

A sad thing occurred with our break. Last winter, Mountain Man and Sunflower broke up, which was terribly sad for us. We struggled with how to respond, how to manage the friendship between both of them without hurting feelings. Sunflower starting having health issues and was not playing sexually, but Mountain Man was, and kept in contact with us about getting together for a play party. There was just too much going on with us and, frankly, we didn’t want to hurt Sunflower’s feelings, so we put it off. We were just ready to reconnect with Mountain Man this month, but he suddenly passed away from an unexpected cardiac event during a mountain climb. It just took our breath away. We will take Mountain Man as a wonderful lesson in never being to consumed with other things to stay connected. We miss him.

On an interesting note….and one i predicted, despite Maximus’ disbelief…Mountain Man and Ms. W had hooked up. Mountain Man had not shared this with us when talking about getting together, but i had a sneaking suspicion they were seeing each other. i don’t know, call it intuition, but i just had a gut feeling about it. While i didn’t share this with Maximus, it lead to my trepidation in getting together with Mountain Man. Ms. W texted Maximus at Christmas to see what He was up to, the first He’d heard from her in months. He replied that life was great, i’d retired and moved in, and we were remodeling the house. We’d discussed His response before sending it, as i suspected it was leading into a bootie call, that she really didn’t care how He was doing. Sure enough, she didn’t respond back. She didn’t divulge, either, that she had hooked up with anyone.

Maximus ended up going to Mountain Man’s memorial solo as i had a previously planned trip to the beach with my mother. i mentioned to Maximus that He’d probably run into Ms. W, but He didn’t think she’d be there. Well, she was. She told Maximus that Mountain Man was her boyfriend for months and months, and that it was an exclusive relationship, including at the time of his death. When Maximus told me about this later, He was confused by this, as Mountain Man never mentioned this in his messages to us and he’d continued to be active on several swinger sites as a single male. As Maximus shared this with me, i realized she was again lying. The memorial was hosted by Sunflower and Mountain Man’s children, and they were all just devastated–Ms. W was not involved in the service at all, nor did she appear affected. As i related to Maximus, a girlfriend would be involved in the service, not an ex–it’d be like Maximus’ ex-wife, JB, hosting His memorial and me just being a bystander–wouldn’t happen. Ms. W was doing it again, telling people she was someone’s girlfriend when she wasn’t–she was doing the same thing she did with Maximus, telling everyone she was His girlfriend behind Maximus’ back, the thing that caused us so much strife. Both of us felt vindicated, finally. i could see now that Maximus was not lying when He told me over and over Ms. W was not His girlfriend, despite the fact that she and her friends swore she was, and Maximus could now understand why i was so angry and didn’t believe Him. He can now see her behavior for Himself.

Dedicated to our friend, the Mountain Man, who will live in our hearts forever. Thank you for your kindness and laughter, and for your lessons of friendship. You died doing the thing you love most, climbing a mountain, the place you felt most at home. We carry you in our hearts.


Categories: D/s, death and dying | Leave a comment

Getting Back on Track

i so apologize for being absent the past few months. my illness and recovery has been an adventure, to say the least. Lots has been going on, mostly with me trying to figure out my future.

This past year i have found myself more and more dissatisfied with my career. Right before i got sick, Maximus and i had a heart-to-heart about it and i had decided to prepare to head back to school to make a career change into a medical field. In fact, right after my surgery, as in three days after my surgery, i started three undergraduate courses in that pursuit. However, things at work, as in a big project i rocked while working light duty, made me reconsider that and i decided to do some things to make myself more marketable for administrative positions in my field. my hope was to get a position in Seattle and then Maximus and i would be together. However, i’ve not been able to land a position and in the process, i’ve discovered that i really don’t want that position anyway.

But what i want is to be happy, and i’ve not been happy with my career. And i’m not happy being apart from Maximus.

We went back to Hawaii the end of May/first of June, back to our favorite place in Kona. i was fairly miserable, feeling obligated to work on a huge work project that i was not enjoying but unable to get myself to do it–to the point of feeling ill. While enjoying drinks at a beach bar, Maximus and i were sharing dreams of living in Hawaii, He working and traveling from there, me just being His sub, retired, happy, when He said, “you know, we can totally do that now. you don’t have to work.” i wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, and actually wasn’t sure i even heard Him right. So i just didn’t respond.

But two weeks later, i brought it up. And after some soul searching and evaluation of finances, we’ve decided to do just that! i’m retiring. i’m getting my house ready to rent, packing up my stuff, and heading to Seattle. i have no plans, no idea what i want to do, going to let the universe decide. Maybe i’ll find a new career in a month, maybe it’ll be a year, maybe i’ll just be Maximus’ full-time sub. But what i do know is that i’m tired of being miserable.

It’s exciting, because i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never not had a plan. i’ve never not worked…since i was 14 years old! And i’m really looking forward to the break.

And i so appreciate Maximus and His strength, His faith, His support, and desire for me to be happy. i couldn’t do this without Him and i am so grateful.

i’m going to be blogging again. The distraction of figuring out my life dissipating. And there is so much to talk about.

Here’s to an amazing future!

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub | Leave a comment

Valentine’s Day Bound

heart rocks3

We’re coming up upon our second Valentine’s Day together….seems like we’ve been together so much longer than that though. And it’s true, we’d known each other for years prior to becoming a couple and then into D/s.

Normally, i would have spent months preparing for Valentine’s for Maximus, but i admit i’ve been distracted since September. Actually, i have several unfinished projects intended for Him, but i’ve just not had the energy to complete them, so they’ll just be in the hopper for other events. That’s not saying i don’t have anything special for Maximus this Valentine’s Day…it’s just not what i intended months and months ago.

Our schedule has been wonky recently, with me having surgery and return to modified work as well as Maximus’ work travel itinerary. But we were able to carve out time together, and actually, a lot of it, surprisingly. Maximus will be coming down on Valentine’s Day and staying the week. He suggested we go somewhere for Valentine’s weekend and after discussing options, Maximus recommended Portland. Now, if you’ve followed the blog long, you may be wondering why the staycation? That, my dear readers, i will reveal at a later date.

So PDX it is. Some salsa dancing, downtown hotel suite accommodations, time at our favorite places (Departure, Pope House Bourbon Lounge, Blossoming Lotus), shopping, discovering new favorites, and, most importantly, time together.

And some play time! Yes, it’s time for some modified play and i am really wanting. my urge is back and i can think of no better gift than the gift of gabriella. He’s been so patient, so good, so great…and i am desiring to serve Him in any way i can to show my appreciation. i shared this with Maximus and while He is excited about this, He is cautious and concerned about hurting me. So my task is to share with Him a list of things i feel are safe at this point of my healing and provide Him a list of what toys i think could be used.

Post Hysterectomy Safe List

At my post-op appointment with my OB-GYN this week, my doctor again stressed that i am to have vaginal rest for a full eight weeks following surgery. So, nothing enters my vagina. This, however, doesn’t preclude external play, including clitoral stimulation and even orgasm. i have had several clitoral orgasms from masterbating and not had any problems, other than the usual light spotting i’ve been having. i was even able to reinsert my clit hood piercing, which really got me stimulated! Due to the risk of infection, however, anal play and cunnilingus are off limits at this point.

Any activity that would induce hard abdominal wall contractions (gagging or hard flinching) or positions requiring back bends should be avoided due to the stress on the incisions and abdominal muscles that are still healing. The umbilical incision was the most invasive, with a larger cut into the abdominal wall and more trauma (thus much more sore) than the others, so this area should be avoided.

Other than that, all other play should be fine, given how things feel. Play could include:

The clit hood piercing is back in post-op...YAY!!

The clit hood piercing is back in post-op…YAY!!

  • Kissing
  • Kneeling
  • Crawling
  • Bondage
  • Sensory deprivation
  • Mind play
  • Objectification
  • Touch or massage
  • Nipple play/torture
  • Light flogging
  • Piss play (giving or receiving that doesn’t include healing incision sites or female genitalia)
  • Fellatio that does not elicit gagging
  • Manual clitoral stimulation, including the 15 minute orgasm
  • Manual penile stimulation
  • Seminal ejaculation onto body anywhere other than incision sites or female genitalia

Post Hysterectomy Toy List

  • Brain
  • Hands
  • Voice
  • Collar
  • Wrist and ankle cuffs
  • Rope
  • Nipple clamps
  • Spreader bars
  • Floggers
  • Wartenberg Wheel
  • Blindfold
  • Earplugs/headphones
  • Massage oils and lubricants
  • Feathers
  • Clothing, including high heels and stilettos

So that’s my big gift to Maximus…me. i know we are both feeling the need and just desire a step toward our normal life together again. i can’t think of anything better than time well spent with my love, my master, my Maximus.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM list, D/s, Hysterectomy, lifestyle | Leave a comment

We’re NOT Fucked Up

thoughts actions

i’ve had a common theme come up the past few days…the notion that people who do BDSM are fucked up. And i absolutely HATE that notion!

It came up when we were with Kilt and Rhodie. Rhodie kept apologizing when describing their kink, worried she might be offending us, and to assure her, Maximus said, “Don’t worry, you’re just as fucked up as we are!” Now i love Maximus and i know what His intent was, to make Rhodie realize that their kink was not offensive to us and that we are completely kinky too, but His words suggested that there were something wrong with all of us. i know He doesn’t believe that, but the words struck me negatively. i didn’t want to embarrass Him and call Him out in front of them, so i simply affirmed that “we are extremely kinky and there probably isn’t anything that will offend us or change our feelings about you. We’re excited to learn about your kink!” Later, after Rhodie and Kilt left, i brought this up with Maximus. He thanked me for “calling me out on this.” He hadn’t realized the negative connotation His words portrayed and He really did mean to say we were kinky.

the secretaryLast night, i watched The Secretary for the first time. i had seen this movie on a list of must-see BDSM movies and then Rhodie mentioned it when we were together, so i took it as a sign. The first scene is so hot, Lee, the secretary, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, glides through the office during her secretarial duties while her wrists are bound to each end of a spreader bar connected to the back of her collar. But then it flashes back to her release from a mental hospital where she has been treated for cutting and self-mutilation, presenting her as mentally unstable, damaged, insecure, and uneducated. She meets Mr. Grey, a lawyer played by James Spader (Oh yes, the character is named Mr. Grey), who hires her to be his secretary because she is an inexperienced, insecure, young woman. The relationship is Dominant/submissive from the start.

The media, including movies like The Secretary and books such as Fifty Shades of Grey and Maya Banks’ Breathless Trilogy, generally presents one or both characters in a BDSM or kinky sex relationship as damaged goods, fucked up, and this irritates the hell out of me! BDSM is not a mental illness, even the American Psychiatric Association removed kinky sex, including fetishism and BDSM, from their lists of mental disorders, as long as it is consensual and doesn’t cause harm to themselves or others. Movies and novels seem to present that BDSM is expected when one person is screwed up mentally or has been abused in their past, as if to say they have a proclivity toward deviant, aka kinky, behavior. i would love to see a storyline that includes educated, professional, balanced people involved in kinky/BDSM relationships–something that i think is much more the reality than fiction. Obviously, society is showing an interest in reading about, watching movies about kink, isn’t it time there is some reality to it?

We are NOT fucked up. We are kinky, in a consensual relationship involving power exchange, Domination/submission, pleasure and pain. We aren’t vanilla, but we are normal, sexual, sensual beings. Let’s not allow ourselves to be labeled as fucked up, especially by ourselves!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Living M/s | 2 Comments

Ending a Chapter & Spread’em

end of chapter

Maximus and i had our greatly anticipated joint session with Fern the other day. It went really well. We also had some great discussion on the way to the appointment. We both feel very good about where we are, how far we’ve come, what we’ve learned about ourselves and each other. At this point, i am wanting to take off the training wheels and not have weekly scheduled appointments with Fern, just as needed, which i think will be fairly infrequent. Maximus has learned a lot from His solo sessions with Fern and would like to work with her one-on-one more. my intention is to be supportive and present for Him while He does this, as He was for me when i went through my work.

We have some homework, which is to work on a relationship vision. Fern will be sending the assignment to us next week to work on. We are both very interested in this.

Maximus is also interested in delving more into the D/s aspect of our relationship with Fern, to better understand the psychology of it, and also to learn how to incorporate this aspect that works very well for us into the other aspects of our relationship. We had some really good discussion with her, especially in regards to how our style of D/s differs from others we read about. i don’t have any issue with that, Maximus is, intrigued, i think, by this and wanting to make sure we are interpreting our kink correctly. During our discussion, Maximus noted that He was not sure that commanding me, “No!” or “Stop!” during conflicts would be appropriate and was concerned that with D/s that was the expectation. Fern shared that in some relationships that might work, but in others it might lead to increased conflict by the submissive feeling unable to express themselves and unheard. i shared with them that my feeling was that our D/s does not include Maximus commanding me “No!” or “Stop!”, even during our intense play, and that i felt that our D/s was “Development” and “support.” Maximus’ style is to develop people, to develop me, to help me discover my limits, discover my greatness, develop into the best person i can be; my style is to support Him, nurture Him, take care of Him.  Maximus really connected with this. Our D/s is our D/s and it doesn’t have to match anyone else’s.


Maximus was waiting for me when i arrived home from work…with presents! There was a beautiful dress, an enormous silicone butt plug, and a spreader bar! The butt plug….well we are going to have to work into that–it wasn’t even fitting into my pussy! We had a wonderful time with the spreader bar though. Maximus positioned me on my back and secured my ankles to each end and then had me hold onto the bar. He played with my pussy and clit, not allowing me to let go of the bar. He brought my legs up, pushed them forward, pushed them over my head–it was great! i begged for Him to bind my wrists to it as well, that i didn’t feel bound enough, and He finally bound my wrists to each ankle, which was amazing! He fucked me, fingered my pussy and made me squirt all over my chest until it ran in rivulets around my neck, and finger fucked my mouth, making me gag. Right as i was entering subspace He turned me so my head hung over the side of the bed and alternated fucking my mouth with His cock and then His fingers. This blew me away!

It was wonderful to get back into our kinky sex play. We are in such a great place and i feel that we have arrived to that place in our relationship that we have been seeking all along. Maybe that’s unfair to say, because i think Maximus has been there already…i finally caught up, having dealt with my insecurities.

Life is GREAT!

Categories: BDSM, counseling, D/s, Spreader bar | 1 Comment

What i’m Reading


i love to read! i bought a Kindle with airline mile points about a year ago and love the convenience of getting books without having to drive to a bookstore or library. i can get a book at 3AM if i want! And it will suggest other books you might like, books i otherwise might not have known about. It’s not uncommon for me to read several books a day on my Kindle, or Kindle app on my iPhone or laptop.

What i’ve been reading:

Sex, Stories and Power Exchange by Dan and dawn Williams

sex stories and power exchangei started reading this on the plane ride back from our trip to Las Vegas. Maximus and i really, really enjoy Dan and dawn’s podcast, Erotic Awakening, and found their other book, Living M/s, to be very insightful and a great guide for us. This book is not so much a guide on total power exchange relationships as a collection of scenes. Dan and dawn include their discussion points at the end of each chapter, as they do in Living M/s, so there are caveats and lessons learned, etc from them in regards to scenes and M/s relationships.

Before i had the raging episode, i loaded this book on Maximus’ iPhone and He started reading it as well. i was, and still am, interested in discussing the scenes in the book and find out what interests both of us. i think it will be enlightening!

Women: The Ownership Manual by Logan Alexander

womenThis book was very interesting as it is a guide for men looking to establish D/s relationships. For me, it helped reaffirm the reasons i flourish in a TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationship: being protected in all circumstances and all times, being guided, a feeling of completeness allowing me to do anything for the right man, being uniquely desired, etc. The fascinating thing for me was that while reading it, i realized the points the author was making for male readers to understand and implement in fostering this type of relationship were all things that came, or seemed to come, naturally to Maximus.

Each chapter has case studies of D/s relationships and how they employed the concepts presented in that section. What i appreciated was the range of application presented, from subtle to extreme, recognizing that each relationship seeks its own level and aren’t cookie-cutter images.

Leading and Supportive Love: The Truth About Dominant and Submissive Relationships by Chris M. Lyon

leading and supportiveWhat i enjoyed about Lyon’s book was that it focused on the psychology of D/s relationships, not as a relationship as a whole, but on the level of personal dynamics of the Dominant (leading partner) and the submissive (supportive partner) and how they interact and are naturally attracted to each other. i really loved how the author addressed equality and control in the relationship, recognizing that both partners have equality and control in the relationship, something that many people do not understand when looking at D/s, M/s, or TPE relationships from the outside. And i appreciated how he found that many submissive (supportive) partners are leaders, major decision-makers in their professional lives and are so relieved to come home to a partner who can make decisions in their home and personal lives, melting into that and truly relaxing.

i found the information on the attributes of each partner, on what they need from the other person, to be extremely enlightening. And it helped confirm how my previous relationships were just not a good match for me. It was amazing to read this and then go over the conversations i’d had with Maximus about this topic and see how much of it matched up. And it was the same for the things He had shared with me.

These books were all different from one another, each dealing with a different aspect of BDSM, D/s, and kink. While there were parts that i didn’t need in all of them, there were parts that were very helpful and enlightening. i think it is important to be educated and informed, be open to all opinions and potential aspects to this type of lifestyle in order to both formulate and support your personal relationship. For some, this can be a great way to affirm they are ok, not deviant. For others, it can be a way to help decide what direction they want to take their relationship. Each book provided a kernel of knowledge that was reaffirming, thought-provoking, and helpful, and a great conduit to initiate important conversations with my partner.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dan and dawn, Erotic Awakening, M/s, relationship, relationship needs, Total Power Exchange | 1 Comment

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