Dom/sub

Training Day

training

This week i had my first training session since our break. Maximus has a binder of training materials, but i can’t share the references with you as Maximus has not shared the sources with me–specifically (probably because He knows i will work ahead and not at His intended pace).

Maximus collared me for our session and we sat in the living room for my training. There were several parts: List my strengths as a submissive; my weaknesses; my interpersonal skills; and miscellaneous issues.

my Strengths as a submissive

Maximus had me list my strengths (strengths as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red).

  • Organized
  • Educated (Masters degree)
  • Good upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Good cook
  • Homemaker
  • Self-confident
  • Have a serviceheart
  • Computer literate
  • Swinger
  • Love sex
  • Adventurous
  • Empathetic
  • Confidential
  • Respectful
  • Excellent upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Excellent cook
  • Bisexual
  • Professional
  • Health-focused
  • Disciplined
  • Dedicated
  • Attractive
  • Feminine
  • Nontraditional skill sets (such as woodworking, construction, etc.)
  • Don’t hesitate or avoid tasks
  • Excellent listener
  • Strong
  • Forceful
  • Articulate
  • Artistic
  • Follow-through (timely)
  • Amazing writer
  • Anticipatory

my Weaknesses as a submissive

Then Maximus had me list my weaknesses (weaknesses as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red). This was not as much fun to do as strengths!

  • Impatient
  • Stubborn
  • Hot-headed
  • Perfectionist
  • High expectations
  • Independent
  • Beat myself up
  • Tendency to deny oneself of the finer things as if undeserving

my Interpersonal Skills

These are the strengths and weaknesses i have in interacting with others.

Strengths:

  • Confident
  • Can communicate well
  • Public speaker
  • Friendly
  • Respect personal differences
  • Open
  • Funny
  • Non-judgmental

Weaknesses:

  • Introverted
  • Group situations exhaust me
  • Prefer a couple of really close friends rather than a bunch
  • Feeling i’m not good enough/pretty enough to approach/interact with some people

Miscellaneous Issues

Maximus instructed me to use my safewords (yellow and red) to indicate when i am struggling with a weakness during our interactions so that He clearly knows where my limits are during those times. i am required to do this to avoid raising my voice or getting angry with Him. i have done this a couple of times and it has been very helpful for us, particularly when i feel i have not been given a chance to answer His questions before He asks other ones or addresses His concerns prior to me answering.

i have gotten out of the habit of addressing Him as Sir. i need to do this when we are home and in private.

i need to learn that i do deserve the finer things. i am not to balk or question why when He gives me gifts. When instructed to purchase a specific item or service for myself, i am to do it unquestionably, with the vendor He has selected, unless we have had an agreement otherwise based upon value.

Over the past months i have refused sex at times. He allowed this when i was sick, but now that i am recovered, this must stop. i have a contractual obligation for sexual performance and must follow it.

Categories: 24/7, communication, discipline, Dom/sub, M/s, training | Leave a comment

Reflections on Desire, Part 3

desirereflections

Kinky Desire

Last year when we went to Desire we didn’t really see much kinky, BDSM play. There was one collared submissive, a latex couple, a demonstration on flogging, but really we got the impression that kinky BDSM play wasn’t really a part of this group. It was fine, we’re happy to be just swingers.

But this year, as we’d been working on defining our M/s, we struggled with going just as swingers. We’d had a long enough break from Total Power Exchange (TPE) and we were looking forward to bringing ourselves back up to speed during this trip. As we talked about what to pack for the trip, however, we just felt we might isolate ourselves if we brought too many BDSM accouterments. We’d run into this before when Maximus had me wear my foxtail butt plug to one of M&S’s swinger parties…it just kind of creeped-out our friends.

So Maximus picked out our toys accordingly. We left my collar and cuffs at home and Maximus instructed me to get one of those elastic stretch tattoo necklaces that i could wear 24/7 to represent my collar. He felt i would be more comfortable with that anyway due to the heat. And we packed our Sportsheets cuffs and tethers. Maximus wanted our small and medium floggers, as well as our crop, as we saw there would be another flogging demonstration. Because we were hosting a sensory deprivation orgy, i packed all of our blindfolds, including my special leather one for me, and our feather on a stick. We had several dildos and vibrators, including two wands, the penis extender (mainly for us in our room as not to freak people out), and my new InJoyUs strapless strap-on because we had some strap-on play last year. We also brought rope and safety shears. The kinkiest toys we packed were my Bejeweled butt plug, clover nipple clamps on a chain, and nipple suction, all important devices for Maximus which He intended to use in our room.

However, shortly after we arrived, we realized there were a lot more kinky people at the Life on the Swingset Desire takeover this year! And we wished we’d brought our kinky toys. Not only were there kinksters, but several more people in D/s or M/s dynamics. This was exciting for us, as we wanted to talk to others about their dynamic and learn from them about their protocols, rules, et cetera. J.V. and Shara of Ending the Sexual Dark Age were there, as well as an M/s couple from California who manage a dungeon. Our friends from the last year, Eagle Scout and Mmmm, who we thought had a D/s dynamic, were actually going to be doing one of the flogging demonstrations with J.V.! Wow, had we underestimated the group this year!

There were several kink events. J.V. and Shara hosted several munches, and quite a few people attended. There was a kinky toy show-and-tell after the vanilla toy show-and-tell, and that was the first time we really realized we had made a mistake in not bringing our kink bag. And then there was the flogging demonstration and a kink salon hosted by J.V. and Shara.

The flogging demonstration was wonderful. J.V. discussed dungeon etiquette, consent, RISK and SSC, and types of floggers. But as soon as i walked in, i could hear jingling rings of collars worn by Mmmm and LodiPet, and my mood immediately dropped–i missed my collar. It was the same reaction i had when i went to Venus in Fur with AwesomeA, that sound triggers something in me. Eagle Scout demonstrated Florentine flogging on Mmmm which was beautiful to watch, and then J.V. flogged Ginger from the Swingset crew.

We did win a raffle prize–a gorgeous leather rose flogger. It really is

beautiful, so much so that i thought it wasn’t one of the options to choose from at the prize table! We’ve not used it yet, but i’m sure it will lead to a journal posting once we do.

Maximus was very interested in learning new flogging techniques from Eagle Scout. We had a great connection with him and Mmmm last year and this year picked right up where we left off. Maximus and i had discussed having Eagle Scout flog me and we’d also discussed this with Mmmm and Eagle Scout, to which they had also expressed interest.

We had a chance to do this at J.V. and Shara’s salon. The four of us were the first to arrive, giving us enough space to do this in their suite. i leaned forward, holding onto a ledge while Eagle Scout performed Florentine flogging while explaining it to Maximus. He offered Maximus an opportunity to try it out, but He’d had a few drinks and did not feel comfortable trying it under that condition. i was surprised, the flogging got fairly intense for me quite quickly. i knew from the demonstration earlier that he wasn’t even close to mid-steam. It seemed like the flogger was hitting in the same places at the lateral ends on my outer thighs, and i had to use my yellow safeword. Eagle Scout was surprised as well, as my skin hadn’t even gotten reddened or warm. After discussing it with Eagle Scout, Maximus and i both realized that we’d not done a lot of work on my backside other than short sequences of flogging, spanking, and the crop. The majority of the work has been on my breasts. Learning this, Eagle Scout did some flogging on my breasts, and while he was concerned about going too strong, it was barely registering on me and i wished he’d done more. Turns out he’d done very little breast flogging and was very nervous about it. i’d like more!

Maximus took me to the bed after the flogging and applied the nipple suction tubes. People were very intrigued. He worked them for about 45 minutes, pulling my nipples over an inch. We walked around and socialized, talked about the nipple suction and the nipple play that Maximus does, including pinching until i orgasm, nipple clamps with and without weights, clothes pins, and striking my clamped breasts with the crop. He removed the tubes, which didn’t have a lot of orgasmic or painful response since they’d not been on too long. Shara brought me over a towel and wrapped it around my shoulders and thanked me for sharing our scene, sharing that she could not have endured such nipple play. i was so surprised. i was truly honored that she thanked me for our scene, i was just humbled by her and her words. Several others, including Mmmm, LodiPet, and Ginger also expressed that they could not imagine such play. i realized that Maximus had succeeded in nipple and breast torture training of me, giving me great endurance. He noted, however, that it was obviously time to do similar training to my backside…

We learned a valuable lesson this year at Desire. We learned how important it is to be our authentic selves. Fear, and really, irrational fear, lead us to not bringing tools that allow us to fully express ourselves, and because of that, we missed out on some things that truly give us pleasure. i missed my collar and cuffs–i am so proud of them and what they represent, and i felt their absence. We will bring our complement of BDSM equipment next year, even if that means checking a third bag. We are among friends, among peers, among fellow kinksters. We are who we are, and although some people may not understand it, there are many who will and many who appreciate authenticity.

Categories: BDSM, breast torture, D/s, Desire, Dom/sub, Ending the Sexual Dark Age, flogging, J.V. and Shara, M/s, Sex resort | 2 Comments

Getting Back on Track

i so apologize for being absent the past few months. my illness and recovery has been an adventure, to say the least. Lots has been going on, mostly with me trying to figure out my future.

This past year i have found myself more and more dissatisfied with my career. Right before i got sick, Maximus and i had a heart-to-heart about it and i had decided to prepare to head back to school to make a career change into a medical field. In fact, right after my surgery, as in three days after my surgery, i started three undergraduate courses in that pursuit. However, things at work, as in a big project i rocked while working light duty, made me reconsider that and i decided to do some things to make myself more marketable for administrative positions in my field. my hope was to get a position in Seattle and then Maximus and i would be together. However, i’ve not been able to land a position and in the process, i’ve discovered that i really don’t want that position anyway.

But what i want is to be happy, and i’ve not been happy with my career. And i’m not happy being apart from Maximus.

We went back to Hawaii the end of May/first of June, back to our favorite place in Kona. i was fairly miserable, feeling obligated to work on a huge work project that i was not enjoying but unable to get myself to do it–to the point of feeling ill. While enjoying drinks at a beach bar, Maximus and i were sharing dreams of living in Hawaii, He working and traveling from there, me just being His sub, retired, happy, when He said, “you know, we can totally do that now. you don’t have to work.” i wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that, and actually wasn’t sure i even heard Him right. So i just didn’t respond.

But two weeks later, i brought it up. And after some soul searching and evaluation of finances, we’ve decided to do just that! i’m retiring. i’m getting my house ready to rent, packing up my stuff, and heading to Seattle. i have no plans, no idea what i want to do, going to let the universe decide. Maybe i’ll find a new career in a month, maybe it’ll be a year, maybe i’ll just be Maximus’ full-time sub. But what i do know is that i’m tired of being miserable.

It’s exciting, because i’ve never done anything like this before. i’ve never not had a plan. i’ve never not worked…since i was 14 years old! And i’m really looking forward to the break.

And i so appreciate Maximus and His strength, His faith, His support, and desire for me to be happy. i couldn’t do this without Him and i am so grateful.

i’m going to be blogging again. The distraction of figuring out my life dissipating. And there is so much to talk about.

Here’s to an amazing future!

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub | Leave a comment

We’re NOT Fucked Up

thoughts actions

i’ve had a common theme come up the past few days…the notion that people who do BDSM are fucked up. And i absolutely HATE that notion!

It came up when we were with Kilt and Rhodie. Rhodie kept apologizing when describing their kink, worried she might be offending us, and to assure her, Maximus said, “Don’t worry, you’re just as fucked up as we are!” Now i love Maximus and i know what His intent was, to make Rhodie realize that their kink was not offensive to us and that we are completely kinky too, but His words suggested that there were something wrong with all of us. i know He doesn’t believe that, but the words struck me negatively. i didn’t want to embarrass Him and call Him out in front of them, so i simply affirmed that “we are extremely kinky and there probably isn’t anything that will offend us or change our feelings about you. We’re excited to learn about your kink!” Later, after Rhodie and Kilt left, i brought this up with Maximus. He thanked me for “calling me out on this.” He hadn’t realized the negative connotation His words portrayed and He really did mean to say we were kinky.

the secretaryLast night, i watched The Secretary for the first time. i had seen this movie on a list of must-see BDSM movies and then Rhodie mentioned it when we were together, so i took it as a sign. The first scene is so hot, Lee, the secretary, played by Maggie Gyllenhaal, glides through the office during her secretarial duties while her wrists are bound to each end of a spreader bar connected to the back of her collar. But then it flashes back to her release from a mental hospital where she has been treated for cutting and self-mutilation, presenting her as mentally unstable, damaged, insecure, and uneducated. She meets Mr. Grey, a lawyer played by James Spader (Oh yes, the character is named Mr. Grey), who hires her to be his secretary because she is an inexperienced, insecure, young woman. The relationship is Dominant/submissive from the start.

The media, including movies like The Secretary and books such as Fifty Shades of Grey and Maya Banks’ Breathless Trilogy, generally presents one or both characters in a BDSM or kinky sex relationship as damaged goods, fucked up, and this irritates the hell out of me! BDSM is not a mental illness, even the American Psychiatric Association removed kinky sex, including fetishism and BDSM, from their lists of mental disorders, as long as it is consensual and doesn’t cause harm to themselves or others. Movies and novels seem to present that BDSM is expected when one person is screwed up mentally or has been abused in their past, as if to say they have a proclivity toward deviant, aka kinky, behavior. i would love to see a storyline that includes educated, professional, balanced people involved in kinky/BDSM relationships–something that i think is much more the reality than fiction. Obviously, society is showing an interest in reading about, watching movies about kink, isn’t it time there is some reality to it?

We are NOT fucked up. We are kinky, in a consensual relationship involving power exchange, Domination/submission, pleasure and pain. We aren’t vanilla, but we are normal, sexual, sensual beings. Let’s not allow ourselves to be labeled as fucked up, especially by ourselves!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Living M/s | 2 Comments

Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms

Gosh it’s been a while since i blogged! Nothing’s wrong, in fact things are going great! We’ve not had much playtime recently, as the last time i was up with Him, my mom came with, and while the jokes between us about mom are hilarious…there’s NO WAY we’re going there!!

i had a surprise vacation day last weekend so headed back up and Maximus took me to a Seahawks game (He has season tickets). What a blast! i’d never gone to a NFL game before and it was super fun. We’re hoping to do that again.

On the way home from the game, we started talking about Maximus and The Englishman going out the other night and meeting vanilla chicks at a bar. Maximus shared that they had met two women and one hit it off with The Englishman (i knew about this as he texted me about it and i was encouraging The Englishman to pursue it, to start dating again) and that the other woman, a widow whose husband had died six months ago, had given Maximus her email address. He shared that nothing happened, and that in the past He would have encouraged both women to come to His place, having every intention to fuck one of them and setting up the scene for The Englishman to fuck the other one. He then added, “But I didn’t want to do that. Is there something wrong with Me?” i was taken back by this, as we have talked at length about Maximus staying away from vanilla women due to the drama it causes (vanilla women equate sex with love and Maximus fucking them has led to problems with women becoming attached and upset). We started talking about this history, but i was tired and getting irritated that we were going to have this discussion yet again, so didn’t get too deep into it. When we got home, i noticed that this woman’s business card with her personal email address written on it was set out on His buffet when we walked in (Maximus had picked me up at the train station before the game, so i hadn’t been to His house yet), and it frustrated me that He had kept it and had it so prominently displayed, as if to remind Himself to contact her. i asked Him why He still had it if He had no intention of contacting her and why it was set out like that. He mentioned that He’d no intention of contacting her, so i asked Him to dispose of it, shred it, which He did.

We had intended to have some playtime when we got home from the game, since it’d been so long, and i was frustrated that this discussion and finding the card was irritating me so much. i decided it was enough, a discussion for another time; i went upstairs, removed my clothing, knelt at the end of the bed with the crop over my thighs, and took myself into a state of calming submission while i waited for Maximus. It was the right decision.

We had a race early the next morning and things to do before our planned drive back down to my place. i thought about how to bring up this discussion again. i decided that during our drive i would suggest doing some brainstorming on our Relationship Vision assignment from Fern and bring it up then. Interestingly, Maximus brought the topic up when we started our trip!

Wounded Birds

woundedbirdWhen i was processing my feelings and our relationship after the last raging episode, one of the things i thought about was how Maximus responds to attention from women–it’s like a drug, an endorphin rush. Don’t get me wrong, i don’t despise this, it’s something i’ve known about Maximus all along, but i feel that this rush makes it difficult for Him to not get involved in or encourage situations that cause conflict for Him and us. Moreover, Maximus is extremely tenderhearted and has a penchant for what i call Wounded Birds, people who are down on their luck, emotionally wounded, and in need of rescuing. More often than not, the wounded birds are women, such as Ms. W, LeLe, Nancy, Z Baby, PoodleS, but The Englishman is a wounded bird as well. These people attract His attention and give Him a great deal of appreciative attention back, and Maximus derives a great deal of self-worth from that.

Maximus started the conversation about being at the bar with The Englishman. We talked about the drama that comes from hooking up with vanilla chicks and particularly Wounded Birds, as this woman, a recent widow, most certainly was. i shared with Him how i had spent time thinking about His response to women’s attentions and had wanted to talk about it with Him. He most certainly agreed with my assessment, that He does get a rush from that, to the point where it blinds Him (such was the case when we met a swinging couple in Hawaii that i did not care for, but He did not even pick up on my overt signals about because He was so taken by the woman’s desire to be with Him).

He again shared that He didn’t have a desire to pick up women, but that He would gladly arrange to go on a double-date with The Englishman and the women they met at the bar, in order to encourage him to get back into the playing field. “But don’t You see, You’re doing this to rescue wounded birds–two of them!” i continued, “the widow is a wounded bird and The Englishman is most certainly a wounded bird! The Englishman is a big boy, he’s an adult, he’s most certainly capable of dating again, as he has before. He doesn’t need you to get him dating again. And by taking out the widow, You’re just encouraging her to be attached and causing drama.” Maximus replied, “Oh My god, you’re so right, The Englishman is another wounded bird.”

Don’t be a Douche

don't be a douche“But i would tell her that i have a girlfriend, if she wanted to get attached, that would fix that!” Maximus continued.

“No,” i replied, “that would be extremely hurtful, to her and to The Englishman. First, You haven’t told her You have a girlfriend, so she’s seeing You under the vanilla pretext that You are interested in her. Second, when You reveal that You have a girlfriend after going out with her, and probably fucking her too, You become the biggest jerk around and in turn, You damage The Englishman’s credibility with the girl He’s dating because He knows You have a girlfriend and therefore that shows that He encourages cheating, thus making Him a jerk. You aren’t helping anyone by doing that.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Maximus replied.

i shared with Maximus that it is frustrating to me that He continues to encourage relationships with vanilla women because it brings us conflict. And i clarified that it wasn’t that i had conflict that He saw other women, but giving vanilla women the impression that He was interested in them brought their drama and conflict into our Relationship. We talked about several women who He texts.

“I’m just being nice to them. My mother taught me to be nice. They text, I answer,” Maximus shared.

“But it’s not nice…You’re leading them on, and that’s not nice. That’s mean and really, quite douchey,“i replied. We talked about how women interpret continued interest from a man and what that means to them.

“I see that I’m really not being nice by doing that, that I’m leading them on. My mother would be very angry that I was being a douche!”

Playing Together

The discussion then turned to a specific woman who Maximus texts, Miss H, who He does not wish to ever get together with again, for several reasons. Recently, she asked if He was going to be in her state again for business and He replied when He’d be there, and of course, she wants to get together with Him. i asked why He even divulged that information with her if He had no interest in getting together with her. Again, He thought He was being nice and not understanding her intent in inquiring about His travels.

We talked about just letting these conversations with these women He has no interest in getting together with just end. “Just don’t reply, let them fade out,” i suggested. “Just as You did with Big E when You weren’t interested in getting together with little e.”

The conversation turned to swinging. As Maximus had noted, He no longer had any interest in vanilla dating, and when He thought about it, He had no interest in lifestyle dating either. This was a surprise to me. i shared that i had not had swinging dates for several months, had just lost interest in it, because i preferred to do that with Him. i went on to say that there was a certain level of jealousy when He was lifestyle dating, not that i was jealous of other women, but that i was jealous that He was playing and i wasn’t there to watch, hear, or participate!

“Oh My God! Thank you so much for sharing that!” Maximus responded, “that makes so much sense to Me!” i think Maximus felt i was jealous, but assumed i was jealous of the women, not that i was not playing too.

After more discussion, Maximus shared that He no longer wanted to swing separately, and i agreed. We have turned off our single profiles and updated our couple profiles accordingly.

Red Bottoms

i thared bottomsnked Maximus for our conversation and shared that i’d wanted to have this talk on the way down too. i also shared how i had felt after the football game, the frustration and irritation and how i had chosen to submit rather than getting angry, using it as a time to focus on the positive in us. While explaining this, i shared that i was proud that i hadn’t let that be a trigger to raging, and this surprised Him, that i could’ve raged with that. i had a hard time explaining that i probably wouldn’t have raged, but in the past, i could’ve been triggered by that, but that i had employed techniques to not get angry.

The next day, Maximus proposed that if we could go 100 days from the last raging event without me raging (actually, it was if i could go 100 days without raging, to which i clarified it was a joint responsibility and He revised the statement), He would buy me a pair of Christian Louboutin red bottomed stilettos! This is a reward for both of us, first, that He gets to buy something extravagant without me balking about it, second, that i get something special i’ve only ever dreamt about, and third, that He gets to see me wear a pair of these spectacular shoes!

So the countdown is on…actually already started over a month ago. And it’s kinda like taking candy from a baby…our raging days are over.

And…newsflash! We are going to Paris in October…the birthplace of Christian Louboutin shoes!

Categories: BDSM relationship, Christian Louboutin Red Bottomed Shoes, communication, Dom/sub, playing together, relationship | Leave a comment

Renewed

heart rocks2

Maximus and i just returned from our much needed trip to Hawaii. We had a wonderful time! How could you not–it’s Hawaii! And it was first class all the way with Maximus!

Maximus brought a few new toys to play with on our trip: a huge suction cup dildo, nipple vacuum tubes, an enema bag, and a speculum that can be used in the vagina and ass (with cleaning in between, of course!) and we managed to get them though security! One bag got searched by TSA, they left us a little note, but everything was there!

nipplevac

The first order of business was to relax! So off with our clothes and onto the lanai to lounge and enjoy the heat–i with my nipple vacuum tubes in place, of course! These vacuum tubes are amazing and i just love how bit and juicy they make my nipples!

nipplevac2

Our days were busy, spent training, and we literally exhausted ourselves and hit the bed early every night, absolutely physically spent. We did play, of course, every day!

As we planned, we renewed our contract during this trip. i had a little (ok, not so little) meltdown the next to the last day because i was disappointed that Maximus and i seemed to have different intentions about the renewal process. i’m not going to go into details, it was painful, but we got things resolved. While the renewal was different than i imagined, it was absolutely spectacular and so us.

DSC_0057Maximus was trying to locate a specific beach that He’d been to briefly once before. We finally found it, Kiholo Bay, accessible by an unmarked bumpy dirt road off the highway. This is a gorgeous black sand beach, dotted with white coral, lapped with warm turquoise blue water.

Maximus dressed in black, i in white, mirroring the elements of this beach. Because a symbol of our agreement was so important to me, Maximus instructed me to find a piece of white coral and He would find a piece of black lava rock that i would later somehow combine to have as a symbol of our commitment to each other. i asked if we could each find two pieces so we could have something at both homes to remind us when we were apart, and He thought that was an excellent idea. The stones and coral we chose are at the top of this post, the large rock, representing the rock Maximus is to me, with my white coral heart resting completely upon it. i could not imagine anything more perfectly symbolic of us than that.

For the signing, we found a lone mesquite (Kiawe, meaning “to sway”) tree on the beach surrounded by black lava rock and white coral. Maximus sat on a rock and i knelt before Him and He asked me to Grow Old Together with Him, which i agreed. We expressed our commitment to each other, signed our contract, and kissed underneath the branches of the tree–Our Tree.

DSC_0230

We absolutely fell in love with this beach. As we were driving out, i looked up information on the beach and learned there was a great deal more to explore here, so we vowed to return the next day, our last day on the island. i packed a picnic lunch with a bottle of wine for our last day. We set off exploring the beach and found a lava tube full of fresh spring water to swim in, a blue lagoon full of fish and turtles, and a secluded beach. We spent time at our tree and reveling in each other.

This beach will forever be ours, our special place, a place of renewal, not merely of contracts, but of our hearts and commitment, a healing of misunderstandings and moving on together. And like the Kiawe tree, we will sway together through the soft breezes and heavy storms, calm waters and crashing surf, rooted deeply in a rugged landscape formed of fiery rock and gifts from the ocean.

“I could ask for no better monument over my grave than a good mesquite tree, its roots down deep like those of people who belong to the soil, its hardy branches, leaves and fruit holding memories of the soil. . . .”
— J. Frank Dobie, Texas writer

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub | Leave a comment

Our First Six Months…Oh How We’ve Grown!

Mg

i can’t believe it’s been six months already! A couple of weeks ago i pulled up our contract to get ready to review it before Maximus and i were going to be together, which is our ritual, and i noticed that our contract was set to expire April 30th, our six month D/s anniversary. i was so surprised by this! i texted Maximus about it and ended with, “i’d like to continue the contract” and He replied, “So would I.” Whew! And then suggested that we renew our contract on the beach when we are in Hawaii this upcoming week. i am delighted in this!

i went through our contract and made revisions to reflect where we are now. i was surprised to see quite a few areas where we have grown and changed, especially in our BDSM Activities List–things that were hard limits were not hard limits anymore, in fact, many of them were much desired activities now.

Maximus called me from His business trip to go over the revisions and we went through the contract together. He had texted earlier that He had “lots of feedback” on the revisions–yikes! It turned out ok and we had some great discussion about the contract and our relationship, where we started, where we’ve been, what we need to work on.

The first revision we made was to eliminate my termination clause. Okay, okay, i know you just yelled at your computer, “What the hell is she thinking?!?!!!” Remember, our contract, our D/s relationship grew out of our Big R Relationship, is built on love and the principle of GOT. We have a commitment to each other that is beyond this contract, therefore, a clause to end our relationship is contradictory to our commitment. The second revision was to eliminate Maximus’ termination clause. Our commitment to each other is such that we will work through problems and issues and not terminate our relationship. Our contract is always available for revision and should parts of our D/s relationship change, our contract will change to reflect this, but the Relationship will remain intact.

We had quite a bit of discussion about the next clause:

…the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

Maximus asked if that meant if He did not want a conversation to continue or if He wanted me to stop behaving in a certain manner whether He could instruct me to stop…and i said, “Yes, absolutely. You’ve always had that authority, but You’ve rarely used it.” There have been times where He has asked me to stop a direction of discussion that was not fruitful, in the case of disagreements, and there have been times where He has instructed me not to drive home, instructed me to stay, etc. and i’ve always complied. i mentioned it would be helpful for Him to use this clause when i get worried and anxious about relationship issues and want to flee.

Next, we decided to change the term of our contract to 12 months rather than six. We decided on the first six month time limit because this was new and we didn’t know what to expect from it. Now that we know more about ourselves, our relationship, D/s, Power Exchange relationships, we are both comfortable and desire a longer term to our contract. Our intention is to make our Hawaii trip an annual event for us to renew our commitment to and contract with each other.

We laughed at the next revision! Our contract originally stated that time between [being physically together] shall not extend greater than one month’s time. We both laughed because we know that we cannot have more than a couple of weeks between time together without going absolutely crazy, therefore it was not necessary to have that in our contract. This was put into our contract because we’d had a five-week absence from each other in August, before our relationship moved from friendship to committed Relationship, and it was completely unbearable–it really helped us realize our feelings for each other, but we NEVER wanted to go through that long of an absence ever again. Now that it’s impossible for either of us to be apart for that long, it’s not necessary to have in the contract–it’s a given.

The next clause that was removed had to do with travel arrangements. It was very difficult for me to accept Maximus’ desire to pay for my travel expenses, use frequent flyer/guest points, etc. to comp accommodations. i have learned that it gives Him great pleasure to take care of these things. Maximus does not balk when i do special things for Him and i needed to learn not to balk when He does special things for me–and i have. In addition, Maximus has learned to accept that He is with someone who wants to contribute, has the means to contribute, and finds it important to contribute–He’s never had that before in a relationship. We removed language that required discussion of travel expenses and my acceptance of the use of His travel program points–this has been a big step for both of us in our growth and Maximus was very pleased with this.

i was very shocked at the clause that Maximus was most concerned about, something that never bothered Him before in all the times we reviewed our contract:

The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

He noted that He was very shocked that this was in our contract, that i would give such power to Him. Wow! This totally blew me away! To me, this is the basis of a D/s relationship and to remove this was to remove the very foundation of our Total Power Exchange. He was very concerned that it gave Him too much power and requested that i remove it. He was not concerned that He would abuse His power, but that He was surprised that someone would so willingly put themselves at risk for abuse of power. i explained to Him that yes, it did give Him complete power and that i gave it to Him out of complete and absolute trust. i trusted that He would use this power responsibly and not abuse it, and that was my ultimate gift to Him. He agreed to leave this in our contract after our discussion and my explanation. It was very interesting to me that this clause triggered Him so–i never would have expected that after these past six months of operating within these parameters of our existing contract. i very much appreciated His concern and candor about something so fundamental to our relationship. It was very worthy of discussion and really reinforced my commitment to our power exchange relationship

Our next discussion was about our communication rules. We both freely admit that we need to do better in this area and follow the terms of our contract that were written specifically to aid in conflict resolution. Our contract reads, in part:

Both parties agree to work through disagreements rather than dissolve this agreement. Disputes or disagreements shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time during disputes or disagreements. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication.

If communication fails completely, both parties can take the discussion “To The Locker Room.” The Dominant and the submissive agree that this should be the last alternative and only to be used in the rarest of occasions, if at all.

Unfortunately, while we have all this beautiful language, we have occasionally raised our voices and yelled, failed to begin and end with I/i love Y/you, failed to cue each other with safewords to indicate frustration levels, and have held heated arguments on the court rather than taking it to the Locker Room. Honestly, it was a relief to hear Maximus say that He too had failed to observe our contractual agreements in this area, as i have been feeling very guilty about my communication failures. We have promised each other to be more cognizant of this and to follow our contract in order to keep our communication respectful and productive, the way it has intended to work.

Finally came the fun stuff–my BDSM Activities List! We laughed and giggled throughout this section as our boundaries have so clearly moved outward this past six months. Our level of trust has increased exponentially, allowing us both to share our deepest, darkest secret desires and experience things we only dreamed of but never shared with anyone before. And with this sharing of desires, we have been able to make many of these dreams come true. We have no fear in sharing our desires, and this is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And it’s not because of the BDSM Activities List that this came about, it’s because of the frank discussions we’ve had in building our Relationship, developing our contract, communicating, and learning about ourselves and each other. Its through building of ultimate trust.

So our contract has been agreed upon and is ready for us to sign. We will be taking this with us to Hawaii and share our own personal commitment ceremony together on the beach to renew our contract and bond. Maximus has made some requests for things to be included in this ceremony and i have asked to re-present His ring to Him as part of my commitment to Him. i am just in awe of this extraordinary thing we have.

GOT 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, lifestyle, Living M/s, M/s, relationship, submissive | 1 Comment

Safe, Sound, Protected from Demons

dragonslayer

Today’s post is a response to another submissive journal prompt from Submissive Guide.

I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon. – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

i love this quote! There are so many facets to it. i am going to break it down into each part and then also talk about it as a whole.

 

i am Your servant

Well isn’t this the core of being a submissive in a D/s relationship–serving? It is for me, at least. i get immense joy from serving Maximus, in all ways, not just sexually. It brings me great pleasure to do things for Him, support Him, care for Him. And it gives Him great pleasure as well, so i am actually pleased twice, pleased by the act and pleased by His response. Sexually, i absolutely adore being at His whim, letting Him use my body for His pleasure, performing acts that excite Him. It takes me to a state of bliss that i cannot describe, not necessarily subspace, but bliss, shear happiness and joy. Seeing His pleasure, hearing His ecstasy is a thrill beyond comparison.

Those outside of the BDSM realm, particularly other women, would probably be appalled at my submissive desire, my willingness and choice to be a servant to Maximus. But this is a conscious choice, not anything i have been forced or coerced into. We didn’t start our relationship as D/s, it wasn’t what brought us together, it was something we evolved into when we showed our authentic selves to each other. No one had ever seen through my tough exterior to see my truth, and i never allowed anyone to see it so fully before. And while i serve Him, i have not lost my soul, have not lost my self–this would devastate Maximus. i am still strong, still have my self.

Servitude something i need. Every other aspect of my life requires me to be dominant, i need this submission to stay in balance. i know this. My recent few weeks have illustrated this once again, as i act out and get emotionally imbalanced without this release.

i shall not be free

For me, this is not about a loss of freedom, this is about being bound. i recently broke up with Maximus, for a part of a day, mind you, and through that discovered that i cannot be free of Him. i broke up due to what i thought was a matter of principle, and while it really was, i just could not be broken apart from Him, despite that. The principle is a temporary thing, out of our hands and not worth the price of being broken from Maximus. As in Venus in Fur, we are “handcuffed at the heart,” and cannot be freed from those binds. This is the basis of GOT, that we are Growing Old Together. i cannot be free from Maximus–we are a part of each other and we carry each others hearts in our hearts (see i carry Your heart).

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me.

As my Dom, Maximus is my ultimate protector. He knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, my Achilles heels, and uses that knowledge not to sabotage me, but to protect me from them. i can trust Him completely in any situation or position because i know the object of His heart and soul is not to damage me, but to help me grow, push my limits, reach new heights, and discover things i would never have found on my own or without Him. My hard limits have changed, as well as my soft limits, and that’s all through the power of His protection and trust.

Beyond keeping me safe from my vulnerabilities, He also keeps me safe in any situation. i don’t walk on the street side of the sidewalk when i am with Maximus, He does, to protect me from traffic. We’ve changed workout plans based on my safety, not swimming in choppy Lake Sammamish which did not present a hazard to Him but caused Him concern for me. He’s made sure i’ve not driven home in the dark or when emotional. And beyond the physical dangers, He buffets emotional ones as well, as in the case of not attending the beach party where my ex-husband’s fuck friends would be attending, and, the more difficult, waiting until His divorce is completely final before coming out in the open about our relationship.

You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon

This is so true. There are times i just want to crawl into Maximus and melt, have Him hold me while i cry, to soothe me and restore a sense of sanity. More often than not, the demon is within me; the tapes i play in my head and the insecurities that go with them. That sounds so severe, but usually, its a matter of recharging, getting energy from Him. And it’s aftercare as well. i can go to the edges, i can go to subspace and get lost because Maximus will restore me, kiss my tears.

 

i love how succinctly these words sum up our entire contract. my place is to serve Maximus with my heart and soul, body and mind and receive His gifts of protection and safety. This is something i want to carry with me in those times i am feeling stressed and insecure, a mantra of sorts, to remind me of our goal–a lifetime together.

handcuffed hearts

 

 

Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide, Venus in Fur | Leave a comment

Money Talks

There were other very important discussions on our Valentine’s weekend trip that were not related to readings from Living M/s by Dan and dawn Williams. I’m breaking these four main discussions into separate posts.

Maximus promised not to work at all during our weekend trip other than a brief scheduled phone call with the Regional VP of His company who wanted to let Him know what His 2012 bonus would be. He was true to his word and the phone call was brief, but amazing…Maximus was receiving a very large bonus. And when i say very large, i mean, nearly 40% of my yearly salary. i was shocked, needless to say, as i overhead the bonus announced through the phone. i knew Maximus made excellent money, it was obvious by His dress, His home, His travel, His hobbies, His ex-wife, but i really hadn’t grasped the magnitude of it before. Maximus was very pleased with the amount, but i could tell that it was not an out-of-the-ballpark figure to Him as it was to me–not unexpected.

When i started reading 50 Shades of Grey, i thought someone had been spying on us. Seriously, it was uncanny. It was a story about a woman from Vancouver–i’m from Vancouver, who meets a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle–Maximus is a successful, wealthy businessman from Seattle, and gets swept off of her feet in a torrid, kinky, sexual love affair. i literally dropped the book. My response to my mom when i returned home from my first trip to stay with Maximus was, “i’m so out of my league.” He’d spoiled me rotten with dinners, dancing, riding comfortably in His luxury car and then sent me home with a $100 bottle of wine He’d purchased at a wine tasting…one of half a dozen bottles He’d procured that day.

He wears $200 jeans for grubbies. He asked me to go with Him to pick out things i needed in His kitchen for when i cooked there and we went to Sur la Table with valet parking; He walked confidently to the clerk and instructed her to assist me in picking out whatever i wanted/needed, and waited, leaning nonchalantly against the counter, in Pretty Woman fashion, as she gleefully picked out expensive items i’d only ogled at before. He didn’t blink an eye at the expense and even mentioned what a great deal those purchases were, while i reeled at the fact that i would have gone to a variety store for these things–Sur la Table was a place i’d only walked through making sure i didn’t knock things over at because i couldn’t afford to buy things there if i broke them! He wants to buy a new luxury car to replace His beautiful luxury car and while at a Toyota dealership with Swimmer Guy’s vehicle, texted a picture of a Prius that said, “New Prius. 37k. I could buy three of them [for the one luxury car He wants to buy].” He wraps gifts of expensive jewelry not in wrapping paper, but $1500 designer purses!

When Maximus told me early on that He wanted me to travel with Him, i made sure to let Him know that i would not go with Him as a free ride, that i expected to pay my share. He’d been talking about us going to St. Barth’s and said, “you won’t be able to afford to go there,” to which i replied, “Well, then You’ll have to give me a year or two notice so i can save up.” He took me to Las Vegas for my birthday last year and other than my airfare, which i insisted on paying, He paid for the entire trip, including some very, very expensive meals.

As time has passed, Maximus has been more insistent on paying for things, buying things for me. i work very hard to make sure i reciprocate, paying for meals, dividing lodging expenses equally. In fact, because Maximus used His credit card when we made reservations for this trip, i gave Him a check for half of the amount, and i expected that i was going to have to raise a stink to get Him to deposit it (He did the next day, initially expecting to destroy the check but deciding that action was not worth the consequences He would face from me for doing so). i’ve just never wanted to be a gold digger. It’s been very important to me. When He paid for our Valentine’s dinner the previous night, which was very expensive, in my book, He cooed, “You’re a cheap date!”

His bonus made it clear how large the financial gap is between us. It started to make me feel very uncomfortable, feeling that i just couldn’t keep up with Him, couldn’t keep up with paying my way with the places He wants to take me and things He wants to buy and do. It bothered me for several reasons, first, i don’t want to feel like i’m taking advantage of Him, His money had nothing to do with the draw i have toward or the love i have for Him; second, i do make great money, much more than most women and many men for that matter, and i’ve been the major breadwinner in my past marriages, have never felt beholden before; third, i did not want to be like JB, Maximus’ 2nd wife, who took advantage of His wealth and spent His money handily; and last, i just didn’t want to slow Him down or be a drag.

i started talking to Maximus about this, especially after He started showing me the Post Ranch Inn in Big Sur, California where He wants to take me…the 5th best luxury resort in the US. i picked out where we were staying for this weekend, finding a very beautiful guest home adjacent to a main house with a 70-foot indoor lap pool so we could do our workouts, and was inexpensive, $110 a night. Maximus was telling me how wonderful it was, what a change as in the past He happily, without trepidation would’ve easily paid five- to ten times that rate–i was showing Him value, and He appreciated it as He’d not known value like this was out there. He loved where we’d stayed in Bend, Oregon, is excited to stay in the condo we will stay at in Lake Las Vegas on an upcoming trip, both of which i picked out and had similar rates. But even at those rates and splitting expenses, and other trips planned to Hawaii and Lake Tahoe, i’m getting to the end of my discretionary spending and afraid i’m not going to be able to continue.

i tried explaining this to Him. And he wasn’t getting it. “Baby, I’m so sorry, but I just don’t understand what you’re saying. This isn’t a blue/8 problem…you’re speaking Swahili to Me and I just don’t get it.” It was emotional for me and my eyes teared up and i started to cry as i spoke to Him. i explained how terrified i was about breaking the $100 bottle of wine He’d given me and how i couldn’t even imagine opening it. “Why not? Drink it! It’s only a $100 bottle of wine and it’s for you to drink!” He admonished.

“i can’t,” i explained, “it’s a $100 bottle of wine…how can i drink that? The most expensive bottle of wine i have ever had was $40 and i get nervous buying anything over $14.”

“It’s a $100 bottle of wine, that’s nothing. Someone one gave Me a $1,000 bottle of wine,” He replied.

“Did you open it?” i inquired.

“Hell no! It was a $1,000 bottle of wine!!”

i responded, “Well, my $100 bottle of wine is Your $1,000 bottle of wine. Hell no i didn’t open it!”

“Ok, I get it.”

He explained that our relationship isn’t a competition. Maximus isn’t buying things expecting me to reimburse Him. There’s no tally sheet. It makes Him happy to do this and i repay Him by making Him happy–and i need to learn to accept this. And i’m teaching Him value, He’s discovering things He didn’t know were out there and available. He also explained that He’s never, ever had anyone who paid their way, or even more, picked up the tab for Him like i have; it’s been a big change for Him and He’s allowed it because He realized it was important to me. “I’m used to $500 dinner tabs, or more with JB. We even had a $1000 per person dinner in Chicago once…a $120 dinner tab like last night is nothing.”

“Pay what you can, because I know it’s important to you. If I decide we should go to Key West and you can only afford to contribute $35, pay $35. If we’re going to Europe and you can’t pay anything, don’t pay anything. If you want to pay half and can afford it, do it. If you want to pick up the tab, do it, I won’t argue with you about it. Whatever makes you happy. I’m happy to pay because you make Me happy.” He continued. And then joked about me paying the rest of it with sex and bondage, which made us laugh!

This is a big submission for me. And i hadn’t thought of it that way until we’d had this conversation. Taking me to beautiful places and getting things for me are ways Maximus feels He is taking care of me, sharing His life with me. This isn’t a chess game, there is no score card.

Categories: BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, financial submission, Living M/s, relationship | Leave a comment

i’m Not Her…

The day after our wonderful dinner, presents, and play, Maximus and i headed to the San Juan Islands to continue our belated Valentine’s Day weekend. The San Juans are a group of islands between Washington State and Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. They are absolutely beautiful and neither of us had been there for years and years.

To get to the San Juans from Seattle, you take a ferry out of Anacortes, Washington, about an hour and a half north. We took back roads and stopped in little towns along the way to shop and eat. While Maximus was driving, i offered to read aloud from Living M/s: A Book for Masters, slaves, and Their Relationships, by Dan and dawn Williams of the Erotic Awakenings Podcast. We both love Dan and dawn’s podcasts and enjoy discussing things we hear from them–they bring up a lot of great topics for us to discuss, many of which we haven’t thought of. The book was no different and we had many revelations!

Here are some things we discussed and learned:

  • While our initial intention was to just do D/s in the bedroom, it has grown to encompass our entire relationship. Originally, we were under the impression that D/s had to be very strict and required the sub to be very constricted, chained and without freedom. But what we’ve come to understand is that there are any levels of D/s and each relationship seeks its own level. i prefer to be submissive to Maximus, it pleases me to serve Him and give myself to His pleasure and needs, and to follow His leadership. It is important to Maximus that i have free will, but He enjoys being Dominant in the relationship, being the final decision-maker, receiving the gifts of my submission, and being responsible for my well-being. i need someone i can surrender to, someone strong enough to handle that. Mutual respect is huge in our relationship. 

Our Total Power Exchange relationship is not anyone else’s Total Power Exchange relationship, and that is exactly how it should be. This does not make our D/s relationship any less or more than anyone else’s–it’s ours and that’s what matters.

  • Living D/s allows us to be completely authentic. Both of us have had two failed marriages each, that’s four failed relationships. And what’s very interesting is that our pathway through our marriage histories are very similar. For both of us, we were not our authentic selves in our first marriages, we had outside relationships looking to fill voids we felt in our marriages, for a variety of reasons. Interestingly, our first marriages were the longest. In our second marriages, we thought we were being authentic and thought our spouses were being authentic as well, but we discovered otherwise. 

Maximus and i have shared everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. i have shared with Him things i never, ever wanted anyone else to know about me, especially my relationship partner(s); He has done the same. These communications are often painful and embarrassing, but freeing and has grown our trust with each other. Not only do we still love each other after learning about our truths, we love each other more for it.  

  • We both need love to be a part of our Total Power Exchange relationship. And this love needs to be monogamous. i have never been able to surrender to anyone as i do with Maximus, and this is due to the trust and love we have. While we are swingers and play with many others, together and separately, we separate sex and love, and sex with others is simply that, sex, not love. We have both struggled, and have had serious conflict in our relationship and with past relationships, with the concept of polyamory, to the point where i have become angry jealous over a misconception that Maximus was in love with another woman. Neither of us can do polyamory. 

Maximus’ previous marriage evolved into polyamorous situations, not necessarily intentionally, but not discouraged when it happened. It started out as Maximus encouraging JB to have swinging relationships to spend time with while He traveled so much for business and left her home alone. When she confessed to falling in love with these individuals and expressed desires to investigate that more, Maximus did not discourage this. This occurred multiple times and eventually led to the breakup of their marriage. Maximus did not engage in the same pursuit and these were V-polyamorous relationships in that Maximus and JB were married, JB and the other male had a love-relationship, but Maximus and the other male were not connected. JB had tried to get Maximus to engage one of her love interest’s wives into a poly relationship, but this did not happen.

Maximus thought that JB was being honest with Him about these relationships and didn’t think they risked the demise of their primary relationship as she insisted that wasn’t the case. Because she wasn’t truthful and it blindsided Him, Maximus has developed a fear of me leaving Him, thus the rule in our contract that we only sleep with each other. Through our discussions about our relationship and fears, etc., Maximus has come to realize that i’m not her–and this is a HUGE revelation for us. We discussed it and are amending our contact accordingly to reflect this.

  • We both thrive in an authentic, honest, over-communicated relationship. And we expect this of each other. Dan and dawn describe the chess game in their previous relationships, how interactions/decisions were win-lose; actions and communications were made by consciously deciding what you were willing to give up in order to get your way with something else. We both could so relate to this and absolutely abhor the chess game we’ve had to endure in our past relationships. We don’t ever have to strategize. When we discuss something, we don’t have to wonder if there is an ulterior motive and can trust that their answer is honest.
  • While we do trust each other completely, thrive in an environment of complete and total communication, we have had some complete breakdowns in communication, full of conflict, hurt, and disrespect. 

Now, if you’re familiar with group dynamic theory, you are familiar with the concepts of Forming-Storming-Norming-Performing. Forming is just selecting the group and in our case, is finding each other and transforming into a committed relationship. Storming is that necessary time in developing a group, any sized group, where they work out group function, mores, communication styles, discover their differences, and where different ideas compete for consideration. It can be contentious and full of conflict, and for the group to succeed, they must struggle through it. In the Norming stage, the group, through storming, has developed their goals and plans and know how all individuals work together. Finally, in Performing, the group functions smoothly, has developed decision-making processes, and deals with conflict without dissent. The group can revert back to previous stages by external influences and have to go through the process as they react to changing circumstances.

i can see this cycle in our relationship. While conflict is painful, it is so necessary. i know that Maximus would prefer not to have the conflict that occurs in the Storming phase. We have talked a lot about this and how to communicate to avoid this conflict. But, we have learned so much and grown so much from these conflicts that they really were necessary evils. i believe Maximus’ fear is that this will be the norm for how we deal with conflict–i know that this is part of our development and we are moving, if not already have moved, to the Norming and Performing stages of our relationship.

Dan and dawn discuss Porch Time in their book and on their podcasts. Porch Time can be called by any partner to move out onto the porch and have a neutral space to express themselves without the hierarchy constraints of D/s or be punished for what or how things are expressed. This is the last resort where all other avenues of congenial communication have broken down. They have used this only a few times in their long relationship.

Maximus asked me to listen to their podcast about Porch Time and we discussed it several weeks ago and then discussed it again when i read this chapter. What was fascinating was that Maximus felt that Porch Time was a place where you took notice that the other person had something very critical to talk about and would do it in a constructive manner with, “i feel..”, or “i would like…”, etc, not the intention of Porch Time where you had a highly heated, no-holds-barred, verbal fight that could include all those horrible disrespectful things like name-calling. It’s the “I/i can’t take it anymore” explosion. Neither of us want Porch Time to be our main means of communication, and it shouldn’t be! Dan and dawn weren’t presenting it as such. What’s important is that in the few times that communication fails completely and You/you are at Your/your wits end, you have a place without judgment or repercussions to speak freely and fully honestly, in whatever ugly face that has. The goal is to not have to ever have to use the porch and to use effective communication to resolve conflict, but the porch is there.

When i realized that Maximus and i weren’t understanding the Porch Time concept in the same way, i decided to use a sports analogy. Picture a basketball game where your normally even-keeled, level-headed player is having a bad game, acting out, getting personal fouls, behaving unsportsmanlike and really destroying everyone’s game. What does the coach do? They pull them out of the game, or maybe they got thrown out of the game by a third-party referee. Does the coach confront them right there on the sidelines, no, what do they say? “Take it to the Locker Room!” and they have it out there. It’s not pretty, it’s bare and raw and emotional. It gets it all out. Is this how you normally deal with your basketball player? Heavens No! Do you ever even WANT to go through this? No! This is how you flush out this bad behavior, blow out the steam. Normally you coach and build relationships. This is the last resort and the intention is to be perfectly blunt about this player’s destructive behavior, hope it gets it all out and resolved so they go back to being the high-performing, well-behaved team player next game. Maximus totally got this and was very relieved to understand that this method of communication was a last resort, not the normal means of communicating. So for us, we have Take it to the Locker Room, instead of Porch Time, and we hope to never have to use it, but we know it’s there should it be necessary.

  • We love the sexual aspect of our D/s relationship. i love being the slut Maximus desires and will do anything to please Him in this way. We both love searching for my limits. Is sex our relationship? NO! Maximus is 21 years older than i am and He honestly expressed His feelings about what happens when He’s 70, 80, 90 and how we deal with the sexual aspect of our relationship.

We both love being at swingers events and hearing our partner having sex with another person. We know the sounds, giggle at the reactions the other person has at what our partner loves to do. We come and watch, we participate. He loves nothing more than to direct me to do things with others. This direction is often more sexual for Maximus than actually having sexual intercourse. In fact, us alone together, with the BDSM components of our sexual play from the scenes He creates, can be more sexually satisfying than intercourse for Maximus. Direction even includes Him directing scenes involving others, setting up scenes at a distance for me to comply with. Beyond this, Maximus loves hearing me tell Him the details of my sexual encounters with others, in descriptive detail, and even watching via Skype or Facetime.

  • Discipline is one aspects of our D/s relationship that may differ from many other D/s relationships. And i don’t mean that we lack discipline, but that physical discipline is not a major component of our relationship. i am very sensitive to disappointing anyone, especially Maximus, so it is difficult for Maximus to add insult to injury by disciplining me harshly. My training is accomplished though meeting His expectations, achieving goals, and being coached to accomplish them or learn from missing the mark. i enjoy being physically spanked, flogged, cropped, so these traditionally physical punishments are not effective for me. This difference in our relationship made us feel that perhaps we were not following the rules of D/s, but we understand better now that this is just our way.

This is as far as we got through the book. We will definitely continue this process when we are together as it is fascinating and so helpful. We did have some awesome further revelations this weekend that were not related to the readings from Living M/s and will be the topic of my next blog post.

While the revelation that i am not JB is not the theme of this post, Maximus felt it was so huge that He asked that i use this as the title when i blogged about it. i find it fascinating that something that most people fear, kinky, power exchange, BDSM relationships, can be so revealing and freeing. For us, D/s helps us confront and deal with our fears, the same fears that are often present in vanilla relationships, such as abandonment, and does this so much more effectively, for us, than in traditional relationships.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM podcasts, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dan and dawn, discipine, Dom/sub, Erotic Awakening, Living M/s, relationship, relationship needs, swinging lifestyle, Total Power Exchange | Leave a comment

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