divorce

Abandonment Rage

abandonment

i am actually looking forward to this blog as i have learned some critical things about myself and my raging. i am encouraged by what i’ve read and am putting the information into action already. i am not a Polyanna, however, i recognize that this is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of work and guts on my part, but i have a better understanding on what’s going on and a plan to deal with it.

The major triggers of my rage are real or imagined threats of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect, known as Abandonment Rage. Most frequently, children who have grown up in unstable environments have this type of rage, however, this is not the case for me, thank goodness, as the damage from that type of abandonment is so deep-seated that it is difficult for those adults to recover from it. My fear stems from two failed marriages. This fear leads to a feeling of insecurity in my relationship with Maximus.

This insecurity is what gave me the feeling of being “terrified” when Maximus first told me He had fallen in love with me and wanted to pursue a committed relationship. However, i did jump in, which is typical in this level of insecurity. i tend to worry about how much Maximus loves me and if it’s equitible and often find it difficult to believe that He chose me and will stay. This insecurity makes me distrustful. Here are things that i identified with in the book, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD:

  • i look for proof that the person who says they care about me cannot be trusted
  • Feeling neglected or ignored by the person i love seems almost intolerable to me
  • i struggle with intense feelings of jealousy (and deny it vehemently)
  • i sometimes feel cheated by my partner because i think i give them more love, care, and attention than i get back

So what made me fearful to start with?

Unhealthy adult relationships can strongly affect you. Certainly trying to love someone who really does lie, cheat, and steal is a formula for insecurity. Your entire relationship history, not just your family of origin, molds how you feel about relationship bonds.

This is the clincher for me. Let me describe my two marriages and how my unresolved issues are affecting my relationship with Maximus today.

PiperC and i were married for 11 years. We never fought–NEVER. We met at work, held the same position for a long time, which worked well. However, i began to promote up the ranks and he began to despise the distances in our ranks and the positional knowledge that gave me. He became professionally jealous and this eventually began to poison our relationship. He began disrespectful and hostile and our interpersonal and sexual relationship began to fail. i ended up having an affair with a woman toward the end of our marriage, desiring emotional and sexual fulfillment. Things declined to the point where he began to encourage me to apply for management positions in other states and made it clear that he would not follow me. i started to make an exit strategy which accelerated after an incident where he nearly accidentally injured me but showed no remorse–this lead me to dissolve the relationship immediately. (As a note, as i write that, i see how my abandonment rage is so very similar to this and how i am treating Maximus how i was treated then…i certainly need to change)

i felt absolutely betrayed by PiperC, who promised to love and cherish and stick by me for better and worse–and when i became better at my job, he despised me.

i was only legally divorced from PiperC one month when i met OneGuy, although we had been separated for four months. The lack of emotional and sexual intimacy for the last years of our marriage had left me severely wanting and i was anxious to get back into dating even though friends and family recommended i wait to heal and recover. OneGuy and i became very serious extremely quickly, and ended up moving into my new house i purchased just six months after we started dating and married a year later.

The relationship turned horrible the moment we moved in together with his two teenage children. OneGuy had assured me equal status as an adult in the household, able to be involved with decisions of the family, which did not hold true. He undermined my decisions, belittled me in front of them. He believed household chores were child abuse, which he did not divulge before we moved in together, despite many discussions about home life, and the house was constantly a state of hovel, which i could not tolerate and ended up constantly cleaning. i came home to days of dishes and rotting food, clothing, animal filth, and my beautiful home i purchased was being destroyed. Unfortunately, in my desire not to fail at another relationship, i thought things would change.

Financial problems plagued the relationship as well. OneGuy was embarrassed that we were engaged without a ring, but he didn’t have liquid cash to buy one. He asked if he could borrow money from me to buy the ring and that he would pay me back once he sold an ATV. i had money from the sale of a house that i was going to use to buy household items we’d need for a brand new house, so i loaned that to him. However, when he sold the ATV, he used the money to pay a huge credit card debt i had no idea he had instead of paying me back. It was impossible to get the money back now that it was paid to a credit card company and i was out.

He did give me money to contribute to a down payment, which i had refused to accept initially. However, i did not realize until we did taxes the first year after we were married that he had sold stocks for this money but did not pay taxes incurred. We were hit with a HUGE tax burden which he did not have money to pay. i had finally recouped money i lost from the ring fiasco and ended up using that and credit to pay the tax debt. i thought we were done with taxes until we received a letter from the IRS that we were not getting the family tax rebate because it was applied to an enormous back tax debt of OneGuy’s from 2001. He insisted that he did not owe it and that it was from an error his ex-wife made and had been refusing to pay it. After searching through boxes and boxes of unfiled paperwork, i found letter after letter after letter, many unopened, from the IRS about this debt. Now that we were married, the IRS was taking my money to pay his ginormous debt that was growing exponentially from late fees and compounding interest. He refused to do anything about it.

On Christmas, his ex-wife called asking to be paid out for her divorce settlement early. He had promised me that he had no outstanding debt from that divorce and that there were no future payments from retirement accounts that had to be dispersed to her. He had lied. The stocks that he had sold to give me the down payment were legally hers through the divorce agreement. So what he had done was basically given a piece of my home equity to her. He was able to disuade her from taking that money now, due to the economy, not telling her what he’d done, and she agreed to wait. i was horrified to think i was at risk of losing my house to a decision i had no part of and no idea about.

During all of this, i tried to talk with OneGuy about these issues. He refused to discuss them, told me they were none of my business. His tactic was to stop talking to me and ignore me, for days and days, acting as if i was not in the house. He would not reply to text messages, not answer the phone. After a while he would talk to me, but never about the issues–they were swept under the carpet. Eventually, i began to rage when this happened–this is when my raging started. i could not stand being ignored for days and i was devastated at what was happening to me in my own home.

We did start swinging during this relationship, which was, ironically, the strongest part of our relationship together. However, during a trip to the beach, OneGuy gave me his phone to look up a website and i found it was logged on to an adult dating site called Ashley Madison, which is site designed for married people to meet others to have discreet affairs with. i didn’t ask him about it, but i did create a false profile on the site which he immediately contacted (i did not contact him first) and after some chatting, arrangements were made to meet. i never met him, i canceled at the last minute after he left the house to meet this make-believe person, realizing that he was having affairs. i was very upset that he was having affairs as we were very actively involved in swinging together and he was having sex with lots of women with my full knowledge and consent–why did he need to cheat?!? i had intention to confront him about this but the next issue came up immediately and i didn’t even need to bring the infidelity up.

The final straw was a horrible undermining of me in front of his son, a horrible lie that could never be undone, where he said that i hated his son in front of him. i adored his children with all my heart and was leveled by how he so intentionally destroyed my credibility with them by doing that–and i knew i’d never get it back. He had torpedoed me. i divorced him immediately. The financial disasters continued as he demanded more money from me, knowing it was cheaper for me to pay him than to fight it in court. i also gave him the ring, much to the dismay of my family, as i just could not stand to see it anymore, knowing it’s financial history.

i was destroyed after this marriage, as i noted in my previous blog post. i felt so betrayed, unloved, abandoned, lied to. i just willed myself to living a life on my own and never having to deal with all this risk again. i never dealt with these feelings.

So, am i doomed to be insecure and fearful forever? Thankfully, no. Research has shown that people can and do change attachment patterns and no matter how insecure i feel today, there is reason to hope that i can learn to feel safer within my relationship over time. But i will have to be patient as it is a gradual process and requires diligence.

Seven Steps to Prevent Abandonment Rage

1. Learn everything you can about with whom, when, how, and why you turn your fear of abandonment into rage.

With whom do i rage? Maximus

When do i rage? i am most typically triggered by some sort of mention or text from Ms. W. Other triggers include scheduling struggles, whether scheduling time to see each other or to talk.

How do i rage? i say very hurtful things, things that are not true, are spiteful and inflammatory. i yell, stomp, swear, flee, return and accost verbally.

Why do i rage? i rage because i have a perceived threat that Maximus is in love with Ms. W and that He will leave me for her. i fear that she is trying to push me out and that she will win Maximus over, leaving me without the love of my life.

2. Commit to quit raging, no matter how jealous, empty, lonely, hurt, insecure, or unsafe you feel.

At the beginning of our relationship, i shared with Maximus the trust issues i have stemming from my marriage to OneGuy. In effort to be completely transparent and show me that He was committed and fully honest with me, He gave me the passwords to His email and lifestyle dating accounts, as well as His iPhone, and instructed me to feel  free to access any of these if ever i felt insecure. He felt so strongly about this that He had this included in our BDSM contract. The problem was, this was like crack cocaine to me. i got completely obsessed with my ability to check His email, phone, accounts for signs that He was being dishonest. At one point, He got a security warning from His email service that another computer was logged in to His account and He changed His password. He told me about this, thinking that He’d been hacked, not even imagining that it was me who was logged on, and i confessed that it was me. Not intentionally, He did not give me His new password, and i didn’t ask, as i was mortified about the situation.

Initially, i was beside myself about not being able to check His email, but after a few days, i realized how freeing it was to not feel compelled to have to check it. i later told Maximus about this and asked that He not give me the password, and He complied with that. When it came time to renew our contract, however, i refused to remove this clause and asked for His password, which i didn’t get. i demanded He give me this password during my last rage.

The iPhone has had a similar effect on me. Maximus gave me free access to it, which i eventually told Him i felt would be better that i requested to see His phone rather than just picking it up and going through it behind His back. He said it wasn’t necessary. But again, this became obsessive for me. i find myself staring at His phone, wondering what’s in there. i have gone through His phone and i hate myself for doing it after i’ve done it.

my preference is to not have carte blanche access to His email and phone. It’s not necessary and just increases my level of insecurity and then shame for going through them looking for prove that He loves only me. Maximus, please do not give me your email password. i will work extremely hard to fight the urge to go through His phone. It is a habit that brings me shame and i am going to break this habit. i am requesting that we remove this clause from our BDSM contract as well.

You will need all your courage, commitment, and conviction to get through these moments. You will find them occurring frequently when you try to quit raging about abandonment issues…you can keep screaming, yelling, whining, and badgering your partner until he or she really does leave you, or you can make and keep a commitment to quit raging, no matter how unsafe you feel.

i recognize that there will be triggers sooner or later (probably sooner) that will trigger doubts, but i must keep my promise not to explode.

3. Make your main goal to exchange the sense of distrust that fuels abandonment rages with a willingness to trust.

When i feel fearful or overanalytical, i need to stop the self-talk that starts the spinning inside my head. This self-talk perpetuates itself and grows to include other minor things as proof until i have a tornado of rage from often inconsequential things. The author suggests substituting these thoughts when negative self-talk and analyzing begins:

  • Today i choose to trust Maximus.
  • From now on, i’m going to trust Maximus.
  • i’ll give Maximus the benefit of the doubt.
  • i want to be more trusting. i can be more trusting. i will be more trusting.
  • i am more trusting now than i used to be and i will continue to develop trust.
  • my world is safer than it used to be. i’ve just got to accept that fact.
  • Maximus loves me and wants to stay with me.

And for goodness sakes, hasn’t He proved that?

4. To gain greater ability to trust in the present, focus upon people whom you have been able to trust in the past.

My family has always be a source of trust for me. However, i am not comfortable in sharing this information with them. Instead, i will use the lifetime of trust as a model of how i do have people who i can trust and Maximus is part of that family.

5. Replace jealous, suspicious, and distrusting words and actions with trusting ones.

First, i am making a promise, a commitment, that i will change my words and behaviors, stop the destructive self-talk and searching for proof of dishonesty RIGHT NOW.

Second, i will give Maximus the benefit of the doubt that He deserves. No more accusations or demands for proof that He loves me.

Third, i will catch myself starting the self-doubt and stop the paranoia.

Fourth, i will develop a trusting vocabulary of “i trust You” and “i can depend on You.”

Fifth, i will act in a manner of a trusting person! even if it doesn’t feel natural.

6. Learn how to accept reassurance when you need reminders that you are loved and wanted.

Believe Maximus when He tells you that He loves you, that you are the BPE (Best Piece of Ass), and trust that GOT means a lifetime commitment. i will breathe these things in deeply and hold them in my heart. i will believe that i am loved, appreciated, and accepted.

7. Challenge yourself to let go of especially painful feelings of neglect, abandonment, rejection, or betrayal from the past.

Maximus is NOT PiperC or OneGuy. They are out of your life, stop holding Maxiums accountable for their actions. i will leave the past in the past and believe that i am not doomed to repeat past pains. i will forgive PiperC and OneGuy and stop holding the grudges about past betrayals.

i will continue to journal about my progress, pitfalls, and wins.

i will go to therapy to help me deal with my past demons and learn techniques to keep my commitment of trust.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, divorce, rage | Leave a comment

Reflection

Maximus asked if i would write about my observations/reflections of His past week i spent with Him. i found this to be a very profound request. While i want this to be a purely objective view, it cannot be, as the events of the past week touched me as well, and my love for Maximus makes me empathetic to anything that affects Him, so my observations are tainted with subjectivity.

Friday, the supposed End of the World, as the Mayan Calendar expired, was the date for the mediation step in the divorce process between Maximus and JB. i have NEVER been witness to such a contentious divorce process in my life–the stuff movies like The War of the Roses and Intolerable Cruelty have been modeled after. Let me correct that statement, because in those movies, BOTH parties were cruel and nasty, intentionally damaging each other, but this process dealt with constant mudslinging and attacks from JB. It took over a year to get to the mediation hearing. My observation is limited only to the past ten months–an overdue gestation period for certain. While it is true that my perspective is tainted by the fact that i never did like JB, am in love with Maximus, and had only the capability to observe from the vantage point of being His supporter, i honestly did not see Him ever participate in any nastiness or retaliation. He was heartbroken, devastated that this woman He loved and adored turned into someone He could not recognize and attacked Him with the sole intent to ruin Him emotionally and financially.

Maximus never let Himself rest during this period. He will deny this. His mind was always working on the most recent subpoena or demand. He was on military ready-reserve, simultaneously proactive and reactive. i’ve watched as this process has drained Him, watched Him pace, watched Him work to compartmentalize His life to complete everything to its usual state of perfection, despite of it all. i’ve listened to Him intently and patiently as He explained what was happening, often just gladly being a springboard for Him to think aloud. And my heart bled. There were a couple of times the last two months that i thought something horribly tragic had occurred, as He would be ashen, crestfallen, withdrawn. Most of the time though, He was manic, moving, cleaning, attacking work, workouts, legal demands with the fury and precision of a ninja fighting a band of simultaneous attackers.

He was ninja Maximus this week, most of the time. And i was so scared for Him because of it–i worried about the crash, the point of exhaustion that i knew would come, that He denied was inevitable. i made plans to come up for the week to help Him, not to help Him with the attack, but to take care of all the other things in His life, the house, cooking, errands, etc. so He could focus and the things He needed to do for mediation. He didn’t need the added stress of everyday things and i also feared He’d not eat if food didn’t magically appear in front of Him.

The unfortunate thing was, that right before i was set to come up, i attacked Him verbally, emotionally, mentally. He had no fight left. It was awful and caused Him to pull back from me, to protect Himself, to keep His focus on the task at hand. i didn’t know if i should proceed with my plan to come up, afraid i was now a distraction rather than an asset, but during a conversation it was apparent that He thought i was still coming up, so after thought, i decided to continue with the plan. He did, however, ask The Englishman to stay because He really didn’t know what to expect from me. i appreciate that He did that, truly.

We fucked when i got there. It was a release for us both, for many different reasons, but did not dissipate the tension we both felt. Neither of us wanted to deal with our interpersonal tension this week and prior to me coming up, had agreed to table any discussion about it until after mediation. We went to the pool and swam, but for the first time since i’ve known Him, Maximus did not finish His planned workout. His attorney was panicking as JB’s attorney had demanded more information; His attorney was behind due to another trial that had gone over two days and prevented her from preparing everything for Maximus’ case. Maximus had given His attorney notice that He’d be unavailable for an hour for His swim, had a set distance planned, but He was distracted, i could tell, and i found Him standing in the end of the pool about 40 minutes into the workout. i asked Him if He was ok, if He was done and He told me He was fine and had another 200 laps to go–200 laps?!? How could He have that many left? i realized He could not even compute His workout, which for an All-American, nationally ranked master swimmer, was a sure sign of struggle. i found Him standing in the end of the pool again five minutes later and He was done.

A bevy of panicked emails awaited Him. He spent the afternoon sending information to His attorney, working to calm her down. He came out of His office occasionally to update us on the situation, to think aloud. i went in occasionally to check on Him, give Him a hug or a kiss, and followed any request He had, including blowjobs, sex, exposing my body, whatever He wanted as a stress relief. The Englishman and i made dinner, spent a lot of time talking and bonding. Maximus ate and returned to His work for the rest of the evening. The Englishman and i ended up fucking after dinner, much to Maximus’ delight, as He’d been trying to orchestrate this through the afternoon and dinner–He enjoys hearing me with others, and it seemed to provide some relief for Him to hear us fucking. i came down every once and a while so He could touch, taste, fuck me, which He delighted in.

The Englishman was “knackered” and passed out! i returned downstairs because i could hear Maximus working on dishes we’d abandoned, and i absolutely did not want Him working on household things whatsoever. He sat on the couch with a bourbon and we retired upstairs when i was done. We fucked and for the first time, due to sex talk we were having about denial as a component of D/s, i began to deny my own orgasm as a denial to Him, pushed Him away, bit His fingers hard, and we had some sex fuck-fighting, which He kept saying was so hot! as we were doing it. When we were done and laying there, getting ready to go to sleep, i needed to ask Him a question about a text i’d read on His phone…seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?!?  i told Him all i needed was an answer to the context of the text and that i didn’t want to discuss the whole jealousy mess, but it ended up being a two and a half hour conversation. i told Him many times that i wanted Him to stop and table this so He could sleep, but He insisted that He needed to get stuff out and was NOT going to stop and go to sleep. It turned out to be one of the most important conversations of our relationship (see The Gift of Gabbing).

The next morning Maximus left early to go swim with Swim Guy, one of His best friends. i had decided to talk with The Englishman, per Maximus’ recommendation, to get some perspective about His relationship with Ms. W and i also wanted to clear the air about my meltdown that he’d overheard. We walked for hours in the rain and it helped me beyond belief. When we returned, Maximus came out of the office and updated us on the morning’s events–JB’s attorney had sent over her demands–including over a million dollar settlement request! The demands were unbelievable, incomprehensible. His attorney was spiraling. i was beyond terrified. i listened as he calmly listed everything, breaking down inside, not wanting to show Him i was scared. i could see He was in a state of disbelief, shaking His head and chuckling at the list. When He went back into His office, i took laundry upstairs to His bedroom, sat on the bed, and cried. i realized i needed to be strong for Him and worried when His breaking point would be.

i headed out to get groceries. i didn’t want to cook, but i needed to get out and allow myself time to get the worry out and recompose myself away from Him. Thank god i did, for when i returned, Maximus greeted me in a state of pallor, nearly disoriented, to the point of almost babbling. i went outside in the rain with Him as He filled bird feeders and talked incessantly, all over the board, difficult to follow, obviously thinking aloud. i let myself be His tree trunk, sounding board, safe room. He had to go to His attorney’s office to strategize–we went into His office, shut the door, He sat on a leather ottoman and He brought out His cock. i pushed Him back onto the couch, straddled Him, fucked Him, squirted all down His legs and puddled the floor, giving myself to pleasuring Him and let Him lay there and be pleased. It was necessary, He needed someone to take care of Him, He needed a release, He needed something to give Him energy and restore His mind and soul. He regained His strength, resolve, and color by the time He left.

He returned four and a half hours later. He described His attorney’s panic and His calm. She was screaming and yelling and He finally told her to calm down, that they had everything and that He was the most well-prepared client she’d ever had. It shook her, she realized He was right, and she apologized. He discussed their strategy and feeling that mediation was going to fail and they’d end up in court. Maximus ate and then decided to show The Englishman about spanking, flogging, and cropping. The Englishman was in utter disbelief that i was submissive, so Maximus wanted to share how, in fact, i was. Maximus dressed me in heels and a santa claus hat, laid me over the dining table and they both worked on me. There was ice, nipple clamps, photographs taken, and it was wonderful. He delighted in sharing this with The Englishman. It was a short session, as Maximus had more work to complete, and i went up with The Englishman to fuck Him as He was very aroused.

The Englishman passed out and i returned downstairs to clean up after our dinner. Maximus concluded His work and we went upstairs to go to bed. i was fully expecting to go to bed and sleep as He had His mediation in the morning and hadn’t slept well all week. Maximus rolled over and we made love. i curled into His arm afterward and He rubbed my shoulder and yawned, “Ok, time to sleep,” and two minutes later became completely animated and chatty. He talked for hours, literally hours all about past relationships. i couldn’t get Him to stop, He didn’t want to, and i learned immense amounts about Him–all important, wonderful stuff. i don’t know where this came from, but He needed a catharsis, i think. He finally rolled over and fucked me and we went to sleep.

Mediation morning, He left early to swim with Swim Guy. He told me He’d text me to update me during the day and i told Him i would not be texting Him, only responding to His texts, because i didn’t want to bother Him at all. The Englishman left and i busied myself with projects and swim workout. i heard from Him right before the start and after the mediator left the first time, and learned He felt good about her, but then nothing the rest of the afternoon. By 5:30PM, i started to think they might possibly be getting close to a deal since if things were at a standstill, they would have certainly concluded the mediation as it was the Friday before Christmas. i put on music, specifically, Elton John’s Goodbye Yellow Brick Road, which for some reason is a song i need sometimes to flush out all thoughts and chill. i set it on repeat, turned up the volume, walked around the house singing the words, trying to stop worrying. Halfway through the first repeat, i got a text from Maximus, “Done. Writing it up !!!” i burst into tears of relief. i had been so worried that He had another month of this terrorism ahead. i was profoundly relieved that this chapter of His life was closing and He’d be finally able to move on and live His life without the daily assault. And i realized that i had never really known Him without this–not known Him without being occupied with details of a drawn-out divorce and the trauma that comes with it.

i worried about what to do next. i knew that while this was momentous, it really wasn’t cause for high celebration. i’ve been divorced twice and settling, signing, finalizing a divorce, while a relief, marks the true end of a marriage, something you entered into full of joy and lifelong expectation. i was concerned about what i should wear, what music to play, the mood. And i also thought i shouldn’t be there. my concern was that i’d only been in Maximus’ life for several months and He had family and friends who have been in His life for years, supported Him, and needed to be able to show their support now. He gets energy from people, and everyone knows that. He was going to feel pressure that i was there, feeling He needed to come home instead of sharing this moment with those important people who need to share in this with Him–particularly His kids, who needed closure too. i felt like i was robbing them of His time. He called me to tell me all about His day and the mediation process and confirmed what i had been thinking, that everyone wanted Him to come over. His son, in fact, wanted the two of them to fly to Las Vegas that night. i told Him that He should do that, honestly. He said, no, that while He was very tempted, it wasn’t the right thing. He was, however, going to go to one of His daughters’ homes and share a celebratory drink with her and another daughter and their families–which i encouraged. i did share that i didn’t want to prevent Him from doing what He wanted to do, that i knew people knew He got energy from people and that He’d worry everyone by telling them He was just going to go home.

He returned home much quicker than i expected. i asked Him what He wanted, what He needed, if the music was appropriate…and He said, “you’re overthinking this, don’t overthink this.” But, honestly, i was waiting for the crash. He got a bottle of champagne and we sat on the couch as He explained what had happened. JB went ballistic on the mediator, made a fool out of herself, screamed and yelled, and lost the case. Maximus was calm, cool, collected, organized. The mediator spent all day with JB, Maximus spent the day on work stuff. We toasted the closing of a chapter. He went upstairs for something and i noticed that He stopped in the middle of the stairs and looked around for a moment before continuing. i figured it was finally sinking in that He’d not lost His home, that this was still His.

And then i had a toast. i toasted that we have had a wonderful time together so far, it really was wonderful, and that i realized that we had never been together without the divorce process, and i was looking forward to how much more wonderful it will be without that being a distraction. Maximus’ face screwed up, He covered His face, and a sob broke through His fingers that He was going to get emotional. And i began to cry. He was finally able to be emotional about my outburst and it pained me. i love Him for His honesty, “I just don’t understand how you could do something so stupid and go batshit crazy when I love you so much.” i just let Him continue. He did not berate me or belittle me, but shared His hurt and concern. We shared some very deep seated, heartfelt, honest things. We sobbed together. i shared that i brought His main Christmas present with me because i had expected to be asked to leave when i arrived and wanted Him to have it–that pained Him. And i shared that my meltdown had been based on false assumptions. i hadn’t wanted to talk about it until after mediation, and certainly not tonight, but it needed to be said. i told Him that i was afraid He wasn’t going to believe me, but that after we’d talked and after talking to The Englishman, i had come to peace with Ms. W. and that i was lifting my restriction about sleeping together, because i truly understood the dynamic. He was in utter shock, thanked me, and we sobbed in each others arms…until He shoved a finger in each of my nostrils to break our tension! “you’re stuck with Me, you do realize that don’t you?” He said. And i do realize that.

We went to bed, despite Maximus’ attempts to watch a movie (He could not stay awake, though He denied He was sleeping). i thought we would just sleep, but we ended up rubbing and stroking, telling each other we were going to sleep. We dozed off and i awoke stroking Him, which got Him aroused. i wanted to please Him unconditionally, didn’t want Him to please me back. For some reason, probably because of champagne and bourbon, i decided i would restrain Him using the bed restraints hidden under the mattress. He mocked and cooed as i did this. And He would NOT be quiet–He babbled and mocked incessantly. This irritated me so i got the crop and floggers and decided to show some dominance to quiet Him, which only set Him off more. i shoved a flogger handle into His mouth and started again. After a few minutes, i could hear that His babbling had changed into a sort of cry. He was saying over and over, “I just love her so much, all I want to do is hold her, all I want to do is hold her.” It was horrible! i have never felt so horrible and quickly went to His face and reassured Him, told Him i was releasing Him and that i was so sorry. i released Him and held Him as He fell asleep. i regret doing this and will always remember not to pursue BDSM while impaired.

i woke up early the next morning. i just couldn’t get back to sleep. i tossed and turned and ended up waking Maximus. Finally, after He fell back to sleep, i just got up. i made coffee and did some computer work. After about an hour i heard Maximus call downstairs from bed, “baby, are you ok?” i reassured Him i was fine, was just awake at my normal hour. He called down about 20 minutes later, “Please come cuddle with Me. I had a dream about you and rolled over to hold you and you weren’t there.” He’d dreamed we were laying on a beach, simply that, laying on a beach. We laid in bed and held each other. i apologized for the night before. We made love. He shared with me that the night before, while walking up the stairs, He’d realized, “This is really not a time to celebrate.” i agreed. i shared with Him that my thoughts about that and how what He thought was me “overthinking things” was my realization of that. He said appreciated that now, that He’d not realized that then.

He had plans to go swimming with Swim Guy. He asked what i wanted to do, suggesting i could go with them. i appreciated that, but i really wanted Him to be able to be alone with Swim Guy to talk about yesterday. i decided to go run instead. He told me, “I have plans for something when I get back, something romantic. Something before you go home today.” i inquired what i should wear, and He told me to dress warmly and told me we were going to a lodge near a waterfall. We went down, had some coffee and yogurt, played briefly on the leather ottoman in His office to replay a little bit of the scene before He met with His attorney, and then He headed out.

i packed and went for my run. The run gave me a chance to think about something He asked me the night before, something i was absolutely not prepared to answer when He asked. He asked me for feedback on when i thought He should tell His kids about me. His kids are all adults and they’ve picked up on the fact that He has someone in His life, but He’s not shared this with them. i’ve insisted that it wasn’t appropriate until after His divorce was final, and He agreed and honored that. When He inquired, He’d made a mention about possibly waiting six months. That seemed too long for me. i sorted my thoughts during my run.

It took much longer for Maximus to return than i expected. i figured that He had a lot to tell Swim Guy and just relaxed about it. It gave me a chance to pack up everything into my car, remake the bed, etc. i was on the couch with my laptop when He walked in, and He looked horrible! i thought something tragic had happened. “What’s wrong?!?” i gasped. “I bonked.” He quietly replied, and collapsed onto the couch onto my lap. He finally crashed, the thing i knew was coming. He’d lost it in the pool, got dizzy, unable to swim. Swim Guy helped Him out of the pool, helped Him get back together, and they went to breakfast instead. i stroked His hair and face while He laid back against me, wrapping my legs against Himself with His arms. i reassured Him that i loved Him, had been watching for this, knowing He was going to crash at some point, despite all His efforts not to, and that He was wonderful and safe. He insisted that He was going to continue with His romantic plans, just needed about twenty minutes’ nap–He napped in my arms and i’ve never loved Him more.

We went on our date. During the drive i shared my thoughts on telling His kids and we had a wonderful discussion about that. He took me to a beautiful lodge with an attic lounge and we got a table against a wall of windows overlooking the falls. It was magnificent. We ordered wine and lunch, and when the wine came, He toasted me and thanked me for supporting Him, not for this week, but for the entire time we’d been together. He shared how much that meant and how amazing it was that we have come through this week stronger for what happened with my meltdown. i realized He hadn’t thought that would happen. And He shared, “We are going to have an amazing life together.” We walked along the overlook trail for the falls, held hands, talked, loved each other. It was an amazing thing, and amazing start.

i drove home, leaving Maximus to sleep and regain Himself from His crash. And i realized, for the first time, i was driving home in complete calm, complete peace. There was no static, no underlying worry about attorneys, divorces, jealousy, just love. i still feel this today. We are just beginning.

Categories: BDSM relationship, communication, conflict, divorce, flogging, jealousy, mediation, relationship, relationship needs, riding crop, submissive, togetherness | Leave a comment

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