BDSM

Father Figure

father-figure

i’m devastated. On the way home from our special Christmas tradition of going to the movies, just the two of us, i got a notification that George Michael had died. i cried on the way home.

i remember when His album came out. So provocative, so dirty, so sexy. Right before college, such a pivotal time for my sexuality. I Want your Sex was so nasty, so delicious. The videos, well….i had to watch them when my parents were gone, or after i’d gone to university. But Father Figure, i had that long white wool coat…it was the coat i talked about needing to replace in Rope, Shoes, and Sloppy Blow Jobs. Father Figure was the one i was always drawn to.

The lipstick…

The eyes…

The words…

 

But with Maximus, it’s more. Listening in the car on the way home from the movie, i realized it had been prophetic. Maximus is my father figure.
That’s all I wanted, something special — that’s what i/He wanted all this time, something special
Something sacred in your eyes — Maximus will not allow me to lower my gaze like most subs, i have to look at Him
For just one moment, to be bold and naked at your side — Yes, naked
Sometimes I think that you’ll never understand me — there was so much to go through to get here
Maybe this time is forever, say it can’t be — GOT That’s all you wanted, something special
Someone sacred in your life
Just for one moment, to be warm and naked at my side
Sometimes I think that you’ll never understand me
But something tells me together, we’d be happy I will be your father figure — Maximus is 21 years my senior, a father figure to me, something i spoke with Fern, our counselor about.
(Oh, baby)
Put your tiny hand in mine
(I’d love to)
I will be your preacher teacher — He teaches me all the time
(Be your daddy)
Anything you have in mind
(It would make me)

I will be your father figure
(Very happy)
I have had enough of crime
(Please let me)
I will be the one who loves you
Till the end of time

That’s all I wanted
But sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime — BDSM is often mistaken as a crime
That’s all I wanted, just to see my baby’s blue eyes shine — green
This time I think that my lover understands me
If we have faith in each other then we can be strong

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind

I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
I will be the one who loves you
Till the end of time

If you are the desert, I’ll be the sea Some of you know that i am fire and Maximus is water. desert and sea. This is huge.
If you ever hunger, hunger for me
Whatever you ask for, that’s what I’ll be — i am anything and everything He asks.

So when you remember the ones who have lied –– JM and OneGuy lied to us
Who said that they cared — Maximus always talks about how He believed JM was honest and loved Him, but later He discovered it wasn’t true.
But then laughed as you cried
Beautiful darling, don’t think of me

Because all I ever wanted
It’s in your eyes baby, baby
And love can’t lie, no
(Greet me with the eyes of a child)

My love is always telling me so
(Heaven is a kiss and a smile)
Just hold on, hold on
I won’t let you go, my baby

I will be your father figure
Put your tiny hand in mine
I will be your preacher teacher
Anything you have in mind

I will be your father figure
I have had enough of crime
So I am gonna love you
Till the end of time

I will be your father
I will be your preacher
I’ll be your daddy
I will be the one who loves you
Till the end of time

We came home, blasted Father Figure over the speakers and danced in the living room. It is us. It is our song.
i will be forever grateful and in awe.
Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, Father Figure | Tags: | Leave a comment

Munch Better!

just-right

Maximus and i went to a new munch last night, actually more of a discussion group with a potluck, and it was PERFECT for us! It actually was a combined meeting of two different groups, one a Dominants-only group and the other a submissives-only group. These groups usually meet separately, but they joined up for a combined holiday potluck and then went to separate buildings for their respective discussion groups.

We both loved this group. First, it had the social mixer we were looking for, but second, and most importantly, we really identified with these groups and met some wonderful and helpful people. We have reached out to several people on FetLife and are making plans to meet with them and to go to the group meetings and other events.

It sparked some great discussion on the car ride afterward, which Maximus wanted to continue when we got home. Maximus actually asked that we have Happy Half at 10 PM to go over His thoughts. Maximus shared that with that night’s meeting He realized that He has not been as vigilant and Dominant as He should be and that i have really been asking for. He said that He could see that many of the issues we have had over the past years and recently have been due to His lack of clear direction and communication. It surprised Him because it is not like He is in business, which i have brought up on several occasions, in that He is very clear and decisive with work. And, that because He has relied on (instructed) me to do the primary research into D/s and BDSM, it really has done us a disservice–and i really have to agree with Him here. He recognizes that He really needs to do the Dominant work and that it has been unfair to expect me to fill Him in on the details.

To correct this, i have uploaded all the books i have downloaded and read onto His Kindle. He will read a book a month and we will discuss what He’s read during my training days and/or Happy Halfs. He will be enforcing our rules, which He has been remiss at doing. And He will be attending the Dominants group and working on developing a mentoring relationship with one of the other Doms at this group.

i am actually thrilled about this. It’s been uncomfortable for me to be the lead in the D/s research and development and i have felt it flipped our roles at times. And i have found myself feeling embarrassed some times when we are with other people and there is a mismatch between our (Maximus and me) knowledge levels. i really want the discipline from Him and sometimes i think i act out just to push–i’d rather not do that. So it was a wonderful experience and something we really needed.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, D/s, discipline, Dom/sub, munch, relationship needs | Tags: | Leave a comment

Spidey Senses

my-guts

i’ve always had strong gut instincts. my radar goes off almost immediately if i encounter something or someone that might be a problem. i have learned to honor that, through trial and error! And Maximus has learned to pay attention when i tell Him my guts don’t feel right about someone or something. Perhaps it’s all my years in public safety, but “Spidey senses” are legitimate!

We recently had a man come to our door who was so creepy that i refused to open it and got Maximus for assistance. In fact, before we figured out that he was there for a reason and not someone who’d cased our property, a neighbor confirmed our feelings when he arrived at her house. Turns out, after lots of research and police reports, he was legitimately there for an appraisal for our insurance company, but honestly, a super creeper. We’re still pursuing formal complaints on this man, who arrived with fully unzipped pants, shirt half pulled out of his waistband, crawling through our bushes, looking like a whacking-off peeping Tom.

i have relied on my gut instincts in the lifestyle, in addition to researching people, especially when i was flying solo as a single female. If we have been in contact to meet and have exchanged some information, emails, etc., i have searched them out. i’ve/We’ve not met with people based upon findings of my research and gut feelings, and we’ve left meet-ups based upon my tingling spidey-senses. We’ve even left play parties because of this. There is an old adage, “If there’s a question, there’s no question” and i believe this. If you have a question about someone, if they make your spidey-senses go off, if there’s something you just can’t put your finger on–leave, get assistance if you need it. Your gut is telling you something for a reason.

Categories: BDSM, fear, Instincts, intuition | 1 Comment

Munch II

Maximus and i went to a different munch last night in our continued search for like-minded people. It was much better than the first munch, in that people were much friendlier, it was better organized, the room had a door and thus felt much more private, and it didn’t feel as judgy. In all, the group dynamics felt better to us.

But it still didn’t seem “just right,” to quote Goldilocks. In discussing it afterward, the Munch format just doesn’t seem to work well for us, so far. In both cases, it’s at a restaurant and people come in at different times and order food, so people are in different stages of eating, which is awkward. And you’re stuck seated at a table, configured in such a way that you are cut-off from the majority of the group, not free to roam about and talk to a bunch of folks. If people near you are not interested in visiting with folks, you’re really stranded on an island; the four people across from us and next to Maximus came together and only wanted to talk to each other. What ends up happening is that we get seated next to people that, for one reason or another, aren’t a good visiting match, and we’re stuck for an entire meal. And after the meal, there isn’t room to wander about to meet people on the other side of the room.

What we would prefer is more of a “Meet and Greet” type of format. Have a room with bar tables, have snacks/appetizers, order drinks, have the introductions and then people can move about the room and visit. This way i don’t feel like i’m interrupting someone’s meal, you’re mobile and can meet lots of people. Then, if you want to have a meal with folks and visit more, you can.

Maybe there are munches like that out there. We’ll keep looking.

Next week we are going to a joint D/s potluck at a private event center. We’re hoping that this might have more of a format that we’re looking for. And, it will be D/s types, so maybe that will be a better fit. There was an M/s couple last night, but they were on the other side of the room and we couldn’t get to them (they did mention in their introduction that they are going to the potluck next week, so we just decided to wait until then to meet them).

All in all, we were more encouraged by this munch and Maximus decided that we were not going to go back to the first munch again. He just really felt uncomfortable with the lack of privacy at that venue due to the room not having a door, and didn’t feel it was right for us. i agree. And this munch was better run.

On another note, we did get an invitation to a dungeon party this weekend from someone from the rope class. Unfortunately we have vanilla company coming Saturday so can’t go. Dangit!! We’re secretly hoping our guests will cancel due to the potential for winter weather!!

Categories: BDSM, BDSM relationship, munch | 2 Comments

A Better Day

new-day

It’s a much better day today. Last night i had a chance to visit with my dear friend, Mmmm, who is also D/s, but lives on the other side of the country, and she really helped me get over what happened (see Apparently i Screwed Up). She assured me that i hadn’t done anything wrong and that some people in D/s are more or less militant and we are. And she told me that the person who called me out at the munch for making our introductions was out of line as well. Basically, we’ve just had some bad encounters as we have started our journey into finding like-minded friends, but that we should not let that discourage us. We’re not discouraged, but i’m more cautious now, for sure.

We’ve been planning on going to a D/s discussion group we found on FetLife. Because of what has happened, i decided to email the submissive group coordinator to find out if this would be a good group for us to attend, some insight into rules/protocol, etc. and she sent back a very lovely message encouraging us to attend. So we will. It’s in a little over a week.

Tonight, if the weather holds out, we are hosting friends, Buck and Red, we met at Desire three years ago and see every year at that takeover. Funny, they live just miles away and we have such difficulty getting together! We’re trying to rectify that, and wouldn’t you know it, there’s a big snowstorm coming tonight and in Seattle, a dusting of snow causes complete chaos on the roads. And Maximus is trying to fly home, going through Portland, Oregon, which is having a major ice storm. Gah! i’m still planning on everyone being here–we’ll see!

And we got revisions from the architect last night. Still working on some changes with him, but the plans look a lot better! We will have some posts in the Dungeon Room, it appears, and he tried to hide them with closets, but i want the room to be as large as possible and posts are actually good for that room–there are things we can do with them–so i’ve asked him to remove the closets. i’ll post plans when we get updates from him. It’d be great if we can get this all finalized before the end of the year and move onto the next phase of the project.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM dungeon, Life on the Swingset, swinging lifestyle | Leave a comment

Apparently i Screwed Up

screwed-up

i haven’t cried myself to sleep for a long time, but i did last night. i’m feeling a combination of hurt, embarrassed, confused, shocked, sad, frustrated, and pissed off. i’m glad that Maximus was home with me, for a brief time, even though He probably didn’t get the sleep He needed with my emotional tossing and turning. And yesterday had been such a great day up until right then.

While Maximus and i have been in swinging lifestyle for years and years, BDSM is relatively new for us. We branched into it four years ago, together, and it has been a roller coaster ride of discovery. It’s taken us much of this time, especially the first two years, to figure out our relationship, a lot of trial and error, researching, reading, listening to podcasts, talking with friends and acquaintances, some classes, revisions, etc., and we’ve been able to distill down into what works for us. But we’ve done it alone. We don’t really have a peer group–BDSM has been something we’ve done in a relative vacuum.

After this last Desire trip with the Life on the Swingset group we love, Maximus and i discussed needing to find a like-minded community here locally. We have been so fortunate to find and develop wonderful friends with this group who are into BDSM, D/s, and swinging. It’s nice to have people to talk to, learn from, have fun with, and feel true to ourselves. But they all live far away and we would like to have similar connections here at home so we don’t just have that physically once a year or emotionally at a distance.

So Maximus has tasked me with finding/cultivating a local community for us. We went to a munch, we went to a new swinger’s club that has been temporarily housing a kink community looking for a new physical location, i’ve signed us up for some classes, updated our Fet Life profiles, scheduled ourselves to go to other munches and a D/s discussion group, to get us out there. And i’ve started reaching out to other couples on our swinging sites, as during the last two years we’ve not really cultivated a lot of new swinging friendship due to time constraints of remodeling the condo, me healing from hypothyroidism, and then moving.

It’s not particularly easy for me to contact others on swinger dating website, in fact it takes a lot of effort. i am, by nature, introverted, although outgoing and not shy, and searching websites and going through the process of writing introduction messages is exhausting and time consuming. i struggle with what to say, worry about whether they will like us, and it drains my energy into slight anxiety over the whole affair. i would much rather sit there and wait for people to contact us, but it is not how it works. Maximus knows this about me. He is the complete opposite, but really wants me to work through my struggle and frankly doesn’t have the time to devote to this search. And besides, i am much pickier than He is, so it’s better for me to find people in the end. Further, i don’t feel comfortable, at all, contacting unknown people on FetLife  as it doesn’t seem like a search site, and won’t do that.

So imagine my surprise and complete glee when we got a random friend request on a swinger website Monday morning. It was on the website for the kink-hosting swinger club we toured this past weekend, and i didn’t even know you could search profiles or contact people through that site until we received the message. i logged on and while i could see their picture and screen name, i couldn’t figure out how to send them a message. But i really, REALLY wanted to because i could tell they were D/s (His name was capitalized, hers was not, and they both had to do with rope). So as this was the group that was hosting the rope class we are taking this weekend, i decided to look on the FetLife event page to see if they had possibly RSVP’d, and lo and behold, the D-half had!

i looked through their Fet pages and determined they seemed like a great match! They were indeed D/s and into rope, which Maximus is wanting to learn. His profile said he wouldn’t accept friend requests from submissive-types and her profile said all correspondence had to go through him, which is typical, i’ve found. Maximus was traveling for work and i just couldn’t wait to share with Him what had happened, what had literally fallen into our laps!

Maximus was thrilled and asked me to contact them. i told Him the only way i could was through Fet as the other page wouldn’t allow me to. He instructed me to message him from my Fet page, letting him know He’d asked me to do this for Him. So i did. And yesterday Maximus got a wonderful reply from him. However, Maximus was still away for work and unable to read the message or reply to it. He asked me to log into His page to read the message and then reply to him. This couple was planning on going to the same rope class and we really wanted to arrange some time to meet with them. i was greatly concerned that me replying to this Dominant through Maximus’ page would be deceitful and a poor way to start a relationship with a D/s couple. Maximus agreed and instructed me to message Him from my page, letting him know He’d instructed me to message him that He was traveling for work and would not be able to respond until after Thursday. So i did this. i was very careful with my pronouns, very respectful, acknowledged that this was unconventional but that Maximus really didn’t want to leave him hanging so long.

i had gotten confused and thought Maximus was not coming home until Thursday, but it turns out He was coming home last night and then flying out again in the morning. Once i figured it out, i could hardly contain my excitement realizing that He and i would be able to go through the messages from this Dominant and look at their profiles together to discuss it all. So once Maximus got home, which was late, i got my phone while we were in bed to read the messages to Him and share the profile. However, when i went to do this, i discovered that this Dominant had blocked us. Not me, but BOTH of us! i was horrified and shocked!

“Maybe it was a mistake,” Maximus said trying to comfort me, “I’ve accidentally hit the wrong thing on those sites and accidentally deleted or blocked people.”

But it wasn’t a mistake. A mistake would be blocking one of us…this was intentional, we were both blocked.

i instantly started to cry as emotions swirled through and around me. i’m sad that we’ve seemed to have lost an opportunity to meet a similar couple in our area. i’m horribly embarrassed that i did something wrong by messaging him rather than just letting it hang for Maximus to reply. i’m upset at myself for not just having us wait for Maximus respond and sending the message through my profile rather than somehow knowing i should suggest otherwise. i’m hurt and shocked that this person blocked us rather than just letting us know we’d crossed a boundary with them. And i’m frustrated and pissed off that we just can’t seem to get any inroads into local BDSM here.

The thing is, we’re new at this and we’ve not given anyone the impression otherwise. This BDSM couple found US on a swingers site, not a BDSM site, that describes that we’ve been swingers for years and new into BDSM and looking for like-minded people. Our Fetlife profiles reflect this as well. We are trying to find people so we can learn how to navigate this world of kink, find mentors, and we’re going to make mistakes. We don’t even know what we don’t know! i feel like the teenager looking for their first job that has no experience but needs experience to apply! And right now this whole BDSM community feels so elitist, i hate to admit that.

So now, instead of feeling excited and looking forward to our rope class this weekend, i’m embarrassed, anxious, and dreading it. First, because i’m afraid we are going to encounter someone who’s upset with us, and second, because i’m disappointed with the encounters we’ve had so far, with the munch and now this. i feel like an island.

i know, if i had a friend who came to me and told me about this situation i would see it from the perspective that this person did us a favor, that would you really want to be involved with a Dominant who would treat you, both of you, this way? And the answer is no, i wouldn’t. But from my perspective, i’m hurt, feel rejected, and have no way to apologize for doing something i didn’t know was wrong. And i feel responsible for making Maximus look bad to someone in this community–that’s the worst.

And i just don’t even know where we fit in anymore. We’re too kinky for swingers and too swinger for kinksters. i feel like i just got another slap of “you stupid swingers” from someone in kink, first the comment during the munch that i shouldn’t have been doing our introduction, and now this. And it’s so different from what we experience with our Swingset friends, where i can talk to, text, and email with the D half just as well as the s type. i just need a friend and some guidance.

Categories: BDSM, D/s, insecurities, Life on the Swingset, Rejection, swinging lifestyle | 2 Comments

Munch!!

munch

Maximus and i have tried a couple times to go to munches, and we’ve always backed (chickened) out at the last minute…even twice sitting in the car watching people go inside and then deciding just not to go in. The first time was in a scary part of town, and we let that influence our decision as we didn’t want to leave our car unattended! The second time we watched a whole bunch of folks go inside and then come out and start chain-smoking in a big circle at the base of the stairs, and smoking is a big turn-off for us. Other times, we didn’t even get out of the house, finding excuses. But after Desire and talking to like-minded folks, we decided it was time to get our feet in the door, literally!!

Searching on Fetlife, i found a munch in our town, at a restaurant we like, even! The dress code was Daywear (no fetish please), and as Maximus has a clothing requirement for me i wore dark skinny jeans, a black V-neck blouse, my day collar (David Yurman chain necklace), and Michael Kors stiletto boots. Note, i’ve worn stilettos to this restaurant before, when Maximus and i met RunnerGirl and her husband for dinner before Maximus took me and RunnerGirl to go see Kinky Boots, and i slipped and fell on the slick floor, so i was a bit nervous about wearing stilettos there again–but i have a dress code to adhere to.

i’d done some reading about going to munches and most said if you were new to arrive at the beginning, not after itimg_1235 was underway, so you didn’t feel so conspicuous. So we went a little early and hit NO traffic, so arrived much too early. Fortunately this restaurant is at a shopping center so we did a little Christmas decoration shopping…and got covered in glitter….smooth. We weren’t sure where to go and the hostess was very occupied with a near-upset patron, so we waited patiently to be shown to the room the munch was held. There were about six people already there, all around one of four big tables, and they made room for us to sit. The hostess was in a deep conversation with a man who was showing pictures of women in ropework on his phone. It was really awkward, as she was to my right at the end of the table, the man was across from me, and Maximus to my left, so i felt trapped in their private conversation and unable to leave! The man’s partner was talking to another person at the other end of the table. Fortunately one of the waitstaff came and offered snacks and took our drink order. Eventually the hostess was able to break away from the conversation and say hello and we made our introductions to her.

The hostess shared that being the holiday season, she didn’t really have much of an agenda for this munch. She said we’d do introductions and then she’d just let it free flow. More people arrived and sat in a table behind us, so it was difficult to talk to them. Folks ordered food as they arrived so some people were eating, some were done, some were waiting for food. There were about a dozen of us in attendance.

At some point, the hostess started the group with introductions, to include, if you felt comfortable, your kink, orientation, what you’re here for/seeking, and to remember that the room did not have a door so don’t be very loud when talking and to stop if waitstaff were in the room as not to scare them. It was interesting to learn about people, there were all types there, but no other D/s couples. One man brought old swinger/BDSM want ad books from the 1980s that he’d found in some old paperwork and passed them around to see what it was like to use “analog-Fetlife” prior to computers! Before it was our turn, Maximus instructed me to do our introduction. i shared this was our first munch, that we’d been in the swinging lifestyle for years and years and had moved into BDSM four years ago. i continued that we were in a 24/7 D/s relationship, Maximus being Dominant, that i was bisexual and Maximus bi-comfortable (He’s ok that there might be touching or some male-male action happening around Him). i then shared that we had just returned from a swingers takeover in Mexico that had a large contingent of kink and that we were looking for like-minded others for a sense of community that we had built in the three years we had gone to that event. i had to stop several times for waitstaff to clear the room, so it felt a little disjointed. At some point one of the other guests made some comment aloud that i was speaking out of turn of my Dominant, doing our introductions, and i politely replied that Maximus had instructed me to do our introductions.

After everyone finished their introductions, it was just left to a free-for-all of conversations. The host and the man across from us asked about the takeover and i felt a bit of a rift between kink and swinging based upon their body language and inflection in their voices. When i described the name of the group, Life on the Swingset, the host cooed, “Oh isn’t that cuuute, like littles on swings…” i shared there were many kinksters there, no littles, but pets and ponies, to which the host and man seemed kinda bored with it. Then the host started heavily stroking my arm to demonstrate how swingers have no sense of consent, that they will touch you without asking permission–all while touching me without asking my permission! So i was pretty much done. Maximus was having a nice conversation with the man across the table who started showing Him pictures of women on his phone and they talked a lot about the Folsom Street Fair and our trip to Kink.com at the Armory in San Francisco, including the class we took in the Upper Room.

Not much happened after that. It was difficult to talk to people behind us and we felt talked out with the host and the man across the table. So, somehow reading my mind, Maximus turned to me and asked if i was ready to go, which i was. We said our thank you’s and headed out.

Was it terrible? No. Was it great? No. Did we feel like we found our people? No. Will we go back? Yes, i need to know whether this munch was normal for this group or not.

We talked a lot on the ride home. Why is it so hard to find our people, the like-minded kinky, swinging, educated, fun people like we have in our Life on the Swingset Desire Takeover, here, local? We dressed nice, like we would whenever meeting new people, but others at this munch did not, in fact, they appeared just above grungy to us. And we felt kind of welcome, but not completely, especially with the comments about a submissive making the introduction and non-consensual touching as an example of how swingers behave. As we were leaving, we suddenly got requests to look up certain Fetlife places and usernames, but i just couldn’t remember them by the time we got to the car with my head reeling.

This might not have been our group. That’s ok. We went, and as i mentioned above, we’ll give it another chance as maybe it was an off-night due to the holidays, like the hostess said. And we’ll check out other munches–perhaps there are groups with more like-minded folks. But the key is, we went, and we’ll go again.

In the meantime, we have signed up for some classes. The more we put ourselves out there, the more likely we are to find likeminded folks. And i’ve been spending more time looking for and contacting potential others on our swinger sites for meetups. We’re also going to check out a swinger’s club associated with a kink organization in our area. So, we’ll keep trying!

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, munch | 4 Comments

Desire’s First Dungeon!

Photo by @DylantheThomas

Wednesday night was a first at Desire–they hosted a dungeon for the kinksters here at the Swingset takeover. The staff actually made some fabulous apparatus from plans provided by J.V. and Shara: a cross, spanking bench, and kneeling bench. It was wonderful to have a place for our kink.

Maximus had me dress in a net dress that has cut-outs for each breast, my cuffs and collar, the black iridescent ultra high heels He surprised me with several years ago, and the slutty makeup He loves (lots of black eyeliner/mascara and red lipstick).

We arrived early into the Dungeon hours as we were concerned we wouldn’t get in! i didn’t have a lot of time to check out the dungeon before Maximus blindfolded me, but i do recall people draping the cross with towels for a scene. The play space was cordoned off for spectators and there were several couples standing and seated to watch.

Maximus led me over to a sheet-covered, cushioned, flat platform and applied my leather blindfold. i really appreciated being blindfolded so i wouldn’t be distracted by onlookers or other play adjacent to us in the dungeon. He then pulled my dress up to my waist, spread my legs apart, slid his hand into my dripping pussy, and caused me to squirt. i was so turned on that i ejaculated a huge amount, more than Maximus expected so early, and we were not prepared. i made a huge puddle on the tile floor that Maximus covered with towels. He reset me so i stood spread on the towels, arms extended like a Vitruvian man. He grabbed me and held me tightly against Him, His lips in my ear, one hand in my pussy, instructing me not to cum. It was so hard. He squeezed my nipples, again denying my orgasm. And then release, He returned to my pussy and gave me permission to cum. He did this over and over. All the while i held my arms outstretched to the sides. i’m usually restrained in this position–this was the first time i didn’t have straps or ropes to lean my aching arms into and it took a lot of concentration to maintain.

After some time with this, Maximus moved me to a seated position on the platform, pivoted me and told me to lay on my back with my legs spread/bottoms of my feet together. He applied nipple suction to both breasts and twisted then until they started pulling a vacuum. He whispered in my ear that my right nipple was dripping clear fluid under the pressure and that He was very proud of me.

Next came the crop. He cropped my breasts, first while they were flaccid with the tubes, and then taut while he pulled on the vacuum devices. And then He cropped my mons, pussy, and clit. Again, i was unrestrained, no spreader bar, no thigh cuffs or straps/rope, and was told to keep my legs spread and feet together. Oh that was hard!

Maximus alternated between cropping, tightening the nipple tubes, and making me squirt. He stopped denying my orgasms, whispering roughy in my ear that i may cum freely–and i did, over and over.

i did have to call my yellow safeword a couple of times as my clit and pussy took the edge of the crop flap several times. It was unusual for that to happen.

After this, Maximus did something entirely new. After increasing vacuum on my nipples again, He grabbed both tubes and pulled them away from my body, stretching my breasts out and then pushing them back into me over and over in rapid succession. It was wonderful! He’d do this until i came, give me a rest, and would then repeat. It was thrilling as i was never sure if the tubes would pull off, which can be searingly painful and usually throws me into subspace, but they never pulled off. I did have to call yellow after many rounds of this as it became more aggressive and i felt i might have heart palpitations if it continued any longer. From my medical background i know that you can create an electrical response and dysrhythmias from striking the chest in a procedure called precordial thump, and I felt we were getting too close to that. It did take my breath away, which was an interesting sensation.

Maximus then whispered in my ear that it was time for Him to remove my nipple tubes. He massaged my breast before squeezing it tightly and released vacuum on the tube. After pulling the tube, Maximus squeezed my freed, elongated, purple nipple while i gasped and came. He repeated the other side. He sat me up and let me get my equilibrium before assisting me to standing, but my legs were too wobbly to stay up. i heard one of the other subs who were coordinating the aftercare room come over and check on us, bringing towels for Maximus to wrap me in. Eventually I was able to stand. Maximus kept my blindfolded and led me to the aftercare room.

The aftercare room was colder than i would have liked. It wasn’t the fault of those running the dungeon–the back playroom has been notoriously too cold the last three years Maximus and i have visited it. We’ve never been able to successfully play in there because of the low temperature. Knowing this, Maximus piled on blankets and towels and wrapped Himself around me. He told me how well I’d done, stroked my hair, and helped me drink some water. When He determined I was okay, He went back to the dungeon to collect our things and clean up the space–one of the aftercare subs stayed with me.

When He returned i let Him know i was ready to have the blindfold removed and then my cuffs and collar. He was prepared for me to go sub when removing my cuffs, as i did the other night, but it only made me gasp and curl into Him rather than sending me into subspace.

We talked about the scene and i was surprised it hadn’t gone longer. He said He stopped the scene as when checking my skin temperature it had suddenly dropped. i’d not noticed this and never felt cold.  i think having a shorter scene than we usually do kept me from going sub.

Toys Maximus had me pack.

The aftercare room got too cold for me so Maximus led me out by the dungeon area to leave. We stopped briefly so i could see what was happening and i was thrilled to see all the areas being used and lot of people watching. People came up to thank us for the scene, hug me, and compliment on my smeared makeup (those were people who knew that was a fetish for Maximus). And then Maximus led me out, down the stairs of the disco, and over to the hot tub.

During our debriefing in the hot tub, Maximus noted that He felt the most connected He has ever felt in our kink play in a public space. He said He was able to focus on me rather than be distracted by other things going on in the dungeon or crowd. This was a big thing as He is easily distracted. He did look into the crowd twice, He said, and was entertained by the sight of women holding their own breasts and grimacing in response to what He was doing! He asked about the yellows from me and i shared about the crop edges. Apparently the size of the platform and proximity of the cordon to separate onlookers put Him at a difficult angle rather than squared off to me and that He’d be more aware of that in the future.

Back in our room later, we reveled at my purple nipples and red ring around each aerola before fucking.

The next day someone asked us about the noise from onlookers talking while we were scening. i replied that i never even heard them and only heard orgasms or cries from others in the dungeon once or twice. We were both extremely focused on our scene.

It’s Friday and my nipples are now blotchy red. i’ve loved these marks and how they’ve changed from deep purple to red.

Desire has my vote for a repeat dungeon!

Categories: aftercare, BDSM, BDSM dungeon, breast torture, Desire, Dom/sub, Dungeon Party, J.V. and Shara, nipple clamps, sensory deprivation play, Sex resort, Swingers resort | Leave a comment

Unexpected Bliss

i had an amazing night last night. i hardly know how to describe it.

It’s been an overwhelming year for Maximus and me, the time between last year’s Swingset Desire trip and now. Neighborhood drama, a new grandson, son’s wedding, suicide of a cherished play partner, hypothyroid healing, moving, work, etc, and it’s really interfered with our D/s, play, and even just plain sex. We’ve had maybe one scene and therefore i’ve not worn my cherished collar or cuffs much.

Last night’s theme was Innapropriate Behavior and Deviant Desires. Getting ready for the trip, i pondered this theme and decided that instead of me dressing Maximus for this night, Maximus would choose for me, meaning that i would wear His favorite things from our play: my red satin lined leather collar and cuffs, my red satin ribbon laced vinyl boots, the black G-string with the metal C-ring in front and matching cupless underwire bra with metal C-rings for my nipples to protrude, silver bell tweezer nipple clamps, bright red smearable lipstick, heavy black eyeliner and non-waterproof mascara that would run down my face if my eyes water, and messy, freshly fucked wild hair. This is His favorite way for me to dress for Him.

And, the foxtail buttplug.

Mind you, i’ve NEVER worn my foxtail out other than one small house party where it freaked our friends out and i promptly removed it, and a play session with kinky friends with my original foxtail where the tail was accidentally broken in the middle of a scene causing an immediate, horrible crash for me. i adore my tail, it’s special, extremely personal, and i’m terrified of it being broken, grabbed, or misunderstood. It’s not a costume, it’s not a sex toy, it’s my persona, my spirit animal, an extension of my soul and sexuality, sacred. Maximus has asked me for the past two years to bring it to the Desire trip and i have refused, afraid of it being mistreated by unintentional mishandling by others, being shamed, and it being damaged by the humidity or water from the pool/spa. Taking my tail was my gift to Maximus and He was beyond thrilled. This was a big thing. BIG.

Getting ready in the room, our neighbor came over to visit, saw my tail set out on the bed with my things, and immediately made a beeline for it. Terror shot through me. Somehow i managed to squeak out, “Careful, that’s my tail, it’s important to me,” before he grabbed it without permission. i picked it up to show him as he reached for it exclaiming, “Does that go in your butt?!?!?” Crap, it’s my nightmare, everything i was afraid of. Maximus recognized this. i handed my tail to Him and retreated into the bathroom so He could explain the tail to our neighbor, and did my makeup.

i dressed after our neighbor left. Panties, boots, bra, silver bells, tail. And as our protocol, knelt with my hands holding up the back of my hair so Maximus could put my collar on me, and then my cuffs, one by one.

i felt amazing. It is difficult to describe exactly what it was other than i felt entirely me, energized, confident, bulletproof, beautiful, turned on. my pussy dripped down my legs, into my boots.

The party was fantastic. Many people were amazed. No one grabbed my tail, people asked to stroke it and i held it for them to touch. Some people seemed put off by it but i didn’t care. i was able to tell the story of my tail, what it meant to me, and how it wasn’t a costume for me. We visited with a woman who’d come to the previous night’s party as a pony, completely recognized by me as a pony, not a costume, and had encouraged me by her presence as her pony persona with her gorgeous tail to be brave enough to wear mine tonight. We understood the significance of each others tails.

But most of all, i was me. It was empowering.

We went up to the hot tub area later to watch the show, which was moved back to the disco. i spent some time as a “therapy fox” for someone who needed some comfort, enjoying the time as they stroked my soft tail. Then suddenly the bed at the top of the stairs appeared to glow as if under spotlights, beckoning me. i asked Maximus if we could spend some time together on that glowing bed and He led the way.

And then the most amazing, unplanned scene happened. i got on all fours and Maximus slid beneath me to lick my pussy. The panties came off but my tail remained. He finger fucked me, made me squirt all over Him before moving behind to fuck me hard, yanking my hair. It was fantastic! my collar ring clanged, my silver bells rang, i was in heaven. Maximus walked in front of me and fucked my mouth, smearing my red lipstick all over my face and sending a torrent of black eyeliner and mascara down my cheeks. He then fucked me hard and we reveled in our sex.

After some aftercare, i decided i wanted to go to the hot tub. We spent time discussing it as it meant removing my tail, cuffs, and collar, but in the end i decided it was time. Kneeling into Maximus on the bed, He gently unclasped the cuff, pulled the end free of the buckle and slid the satin off my skin, holding my wrist against His chest. It made me gasp and a sob came from deep within me. Tears welled into my eyes and i leaned deeper into Him. He kissed my wrist and reached over to my other hand, pulling it into Him. Again, He removed the second cuff and i crumbled, tumbled immediately into subspace. my collar came off next, then my tail, where i clutched it to my chest and sobbed. He gently removed my boots and held me, leaving my silver bell nipple clamps.

i remember feeling so naked, like a turtle pulled out of its shell. It took a long time for Maximus to bring me back, wrapped up in towels and held.

He led me to the hot tub when i was ready enough and we slid into the warm water, me oblivious to everyone else there. He held me close in the water and i was suddenly ravenous for Him. i’ve never had this reaction after subspace before, but i was enormously horny and couldn’t leave Him alone! i jumped onto His cock and fucked Him, reached behind and pulled my legs onto His shoulders and rammed myself onto Him. He finger fucked my ass. Orgasm after orgasm, even squirting hot streams of cum all over His cock. Exhausted in bliss, i snuggled into His neck.

He left for a moment to get me some water and returned with some more experienced BDSM friends and explained what happened, a bit concerned about me. i do remember this, but was so blissed out that i was beyond speech.

Suddenly i got cold, yes, in a hot tub! Maximus led me out, dried me off and took me downstairs for pizza before collapsing to sleep–with just one more fucking from Maximus after removing my silver bell clamps in bed before i slid off into slumber.

We don’t know why i had such an intense reaction. We think it was a combination of being so long since we’d scened, a long time since i’d been collared and cuffed, and the first time i’d been my true self with my tail in a large group situation. And i had been on such a high in my cuffs, collar, boots, etc, and had associated it with my appearance that removing it made me feel stripped naked.

It was definitely a night to remember.

Categories: aftercare, BDSM, breast torture, butt plug, collaring, fox tail, fox tail butt plug, foxtail, foxtail butt plug, leather cuffs, nipple clamps, objectification, subspace, Swingers resort | Leave a comment

Labels

labels

i’ve seen a lot of tweets recently about labels, that is, how to label yourself in the lifestyle, and i don’t get it! Sorry, but it’s true, i don’t get it. Maybe it’s a new thing, putting yourself into a specific box of what you do or are, but honestly, i/we cannot pin ourselves down into what we do and are…we change, we evolve, we do different things with different people.

Before i was retired, i worked in a very militaristic, male-dominated public safety occupation. i can remember one promotional exam where candidates were asked what their leadership style was, and the wrong answer, the WRONG ANSWER, according to the evaluators, was “situational.” WHAT?!? Believe it or not, i am a submissive with a Masters of Science in Leadership and a whole lot of experience in leadership, so i have a thing or two to say about this topic. And i do believe that to be successful in leadership is to adjust your leadership style to the situation, to the people you are interacting with, to the people you lead. An authoritative leadership stance will not be successful in all situations, nor will a transactional or transformational style–it depends on the situation, who is involved, the task at hand, etc.

i feel lifestyle is the same for us–it’s situational. Yes, Maximus and i are D/s, but not everyone we play with knows that, it’s not necessary.  We don’t play with everyone that way. Even then, we can’t pin our D/s into one type (see Our D/s). We are kinky and participate in BDSM, but again, we don’t play that way with most people, it depends on the relationship and comfort level we have. i’m bisexual, but sometimes all i want is cock at a play party. i squirt, and i love it, but i don’t tell everyone that, because it can become a problem if i don’t squirt with someone and they get offended. Maximus has some interest in play with men with me, but wouldn’t classify Himself as bisexual and certainly doesn’t wish to indulge in this curiosity with friends who are not interested in this.

We feel labels are limiting. How we play with one group may not be how we play with another. AND THAT’S OKAY. We have friends that we are engaged in friendship and socialization more than sex, AND THAT’S OKAY. We have friends that we simply fuck, AND THAT’S OKAY. Sometimes we play together, sometimes we play apart, AND THAT’S OKAY. Trying to figure out a label that works for all of this is impossible and would limit who we meet and get to know, and that’s NOT OKAY with us. Yes, we have to choose some labels for lifestyle websites, so we are a full-swap straight male with a bisexual female, only because we have to and because listing a bisexual female gives us more options and listing a bisexual male would severely limit who we meet. Does it mean Maximus wouldn’t play with a man with me in the right situation, no! But it does mean that He wouldn’t play with a man who wouldn’t want to. We choose to communicate our desires rather than label ourselves into a box.

We are sexual beings…and it’s situational how we play. It’s like what Rika Van Den Hass tells Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon II:

There’s no point in shopping for the entire week….I’ll never know what I’ll be hungry for from one day to the next.

Categories: BDSM, lifestyle | Leave a comment

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