BDSM contract

Our First Six Months…Oh How We’ve Grown!

Mg

i can’t believe it’s been six months already! A couple of weeks ago i pulled up our contract to get ready to review it before Maximus and i were going to be together, which is our ritual, and i noticed that our contract was set to expire April 30th, our six month D/s anniversary. i was so surprised by this! i texted Maximus about it and ended with, “i’d like to continue the contract” and He replied, “So would I.” Whew! And then suggested that we renew our contract on the beach when we are in Hawaii this upcoming week. i am delighted in this!

i went through our contract and made revisions to reflect where we are now. i was surprised to see quite a few areas where we have grown and changed, especially in our BDSM Activities List–things that were hard limits were not hard limits anymore, in fact, many of them were much desired activities now.

Maximus called me from His business trip to go over the revisions and we went through the contract together. He had texted earlier that He had “lots of feedback” on the revisions–yikes! It turned out ok and we had some great discussion about the contract and our relationship, where we started, where we’ve been, what we need to work on.

The first revision we made was to eliminate my termination clause. Okay, okay, i know you just yelled at your computer, “What the hell is she thinking?!?!!!” Remember, our contract, our D/s relationship grew out of our Big R Relationship, is built on love and the principle of GOT. We have a commitment to each other that is beyond this contract, therefore, a clause to end our relationship is contradictory to our commitment. The second revision was to eliminate Maximus’ termination clause. Our commitment to each other is such that we will work through problems and issues and not terminate our relationship. Our contract is always available for revision and should parts of our D/s relationship change, our contract will change to reflect this, but the Relationship will remain intact.

We had quite a bit of discussion about the next clause:

…the submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.

Maximus asked if that meant if He did not want a conversation to continue or if He wanted me to stop behaving in a certain manner whether He could instruct me to stop…and i said, “Yes, absolutely. You’ve always had that authority, but You’ve rarely used it.” There have been times where He has asked me to stop a direction of discussion that was not fruitful, in the case of disagreements, and there have been times where He has instructed me not to drive home, instructed me to stay, etc. and i’ve always complied. i mentioned it would be helpful for Him to use this clause when i get worried and anxious about relationship issues and want to flee.

Next, we decided to change the term of our contract to 12 months rather than six. We decided on the first six month time limit because this was new and we didn’t know what to expect from it. Now that we know more about ourselves, our relationship, D/s, Power Exchange relationships, we are both comfortable and desire a longer term to our contract. Our intention is to make our Hawaii trip an annual event for us to renew our commitment to and contract with each other.

We laughed at the next revision! Our contract originally stated that time between [being physically together] shall not extend greater than one month’s time. We both laughed because we know that we cannot have more than a couple of weeks between time together without going absolutely crazy, therefore it was not necessary to have that in our contract. This was put into our contract because we’d had a five-week absence from each other in August, before our relationship moved from friendship to committed Relationship, and it was completely unbearable–it really helped us realize our feelings for each other, but we NEVER wanted to go through that long of an absence ever again. Now that it’s impossible for either of us to be apart for that long, it’s not necessary to have in the contract–it’s a given.

The next clause that was removed had to do with travel arrangements. It was very difficult for me to accept Maximus’ desire to pay for my travel expenses, use frequent flyer/guest points, etc. to comp accommodations. i have learned that it gives Him great pleasure to take care of these things. Maximus does not balk when i do special things for Him and i needed to learn not to balk when He does special things for me–and i have. In addition, Maximus has learned to accept that He is with someone who wants to contribute, has the means to contribute, and finds it important to contribute–He’s never had that before in a relationship. We removed language that required discussion of travel expenses and my acceptance of the use of His travel program points–this has been a big step for both of us in our growth and Maximus was very pleased with this.

i was very shocked at the clause that Maximus was most concerned about, something that never bothered Him before in all the times we reviewed our contract:

The Dominant accepts the submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.

He noted that He was very shocked that this was in our contract, that i would give such power to Him. Wow! This totally blew me away! To me, this is the basis of a D/s relationship and to remove this was to remove the very foundation of our Total Power Exchange. He was very concerned that it gave Him too much power and requested that i remove it. He was not concerned that He would abuse His power, but that He was surprised that someone would so willingly put themselves at risk for abuse of power. i explained to Him that yes, it did give Him complete power and that i gave it to Him out of complete and absolute trust. i trusted that He would use this power responsibly and not abuse it, and that was my ultimate gift to Him. He agreed to leave this in our contract after our discussion and my explanation. It was very interesting to me that this clause triggered Him so–i never would have expected that after these past six months of operating within these parameters of our existing contract. i very much appreciated His concern and candor about something so fundamental to our relationship. It was very worthy of discussion and really reinforced my commitment to our power exchange relationship

Our next discussion was about our communication rules. We both freely admit that we need to do better in this area and follow the terms of our contract that were written specifically to aid in conflict resolution. Our contract reads, in part:

Both parties agree to work through disagreements rather than dissolve this agreement. Disputes or disagreements shall begin and end with the spoken words, “I/i love Y/you.” The Dominant and the submissive agree not to yell at any time during disputes or disagreements. Safewords may be used to communicate frustration level to the other party. Either party may request a break from discussions in order to avoid pushing frustration levels to a point of yelling; this break will not be indefinite, but have specific time parameters indicating when discussions shall proceed again. It is also understood that at times, circumstances of life and work may not allow for immediate discussion. In these cases, the parties will set a specific time to have focused discussion with each other, free of distractions and allowing for private communication.

If communication fails completely, both parties can take the discussion “To The Locker Room.” The Dominant and the submissive agree that this should be the last alternative and only to be used in the rarest of occasions, if at all.

Unfortunately, while we have all this beautiful language, we have occasionally raised our voices and yelled, failed to begin and end with I/i love Y/you, failed to cue each other with safewords to indicate frustration levels, and have held heated arguments on the court rather than taking it to the Locker Room. Honestly, it was a relief to hear Maximus say that He too had failed to observe our contractual agreements in this area, as i have been feeling very guilty about my communication failures. We have promised each other to be more cognizant of this and to follow our contract in order to keep our communication respectful and productive, the way it has intended to work.

Finally came the fun stuff–my BDSM Activities List! We laughed and giggled throughout this section as our boundaries have so clearly moved outward this past six months. Our level of trust has increased exponentially, allowing us both to share our deepest, darkest secret desires and experience things we only dreamed of but never shared with anyone before. And with this sharing of desires, we have been able to make many of these dreams come true. We have no fear in sharing our desires, and this is a wonderful, wonderful thing. And it’s not because of the BDSM Activities List that this came about, it’s because of the frank discussions we’ve had in building our Relationship, developing our contract, communicating, and learning about ourselves and each other. Its through building of ultimate trust.

So our contract has been agreed upon and is ready for us to sign. We will be taking this with us to Hawaii and share our own personal commitment ceremony together on the beach to renew our contract and bond. Maximus has made some requests for things to be included in this ceremony and i have asked to re-present His ring to Him as part of my commitment to Him. i am just in awe of this extraordinary thing we have.

GOT 

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM list, BDSM relationship, communication, D/s, Dom/sub, lifestyle, Living M/s, M/s, relationship, submissive | 1 Comment

Safe, Sound, Protected from Demons

dragonslayer

Today’s post is a response to another submissive journal prompt from Submissive Guide.

I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon. – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

i love this quote! There are so many facets to it. i am going to break it down into each part and then also talk about it as a whole.

 

i am Your servant

Well isn’t this the core of being a submissive in a D/s relationship–serving? It is for me, at least. i get immense joy from serving Maximus, in all ways, not just sexually. It brings me great pleasure to do things for Him, support Him, care for Him. And it gives Him great pleasure as well, so i am actually pleased twice, pleased by the act and pleased by His response. Sexually, i absolutely adore being at His whim, letting Him use my body for His pleasure, performing acts that excite Him. It takes me to a state of bliss that i cannot describe, not necessarily subspace, but bliss, shear happiness and joy. Seeing His pleasure, hearing His ecstasy is a thrill beyond comparison.

Those outside of the BDSM realm, particularly other women, would probably be appalled at my submissive desire, my willingness and choice to be a servant to Maximus. But this is a conscious choice, not anything i have been forced or coerced into. We didn’t start our relationship as D/s, it wasn’t what brought us together, it was something we evolved into when we showed our authentic selves to each other. No one had ever seen through my tough exterior to see my truth, and i never allowed anyone to see it so fully before. And while i serve Him, i have not lost my soul, have not lost my self–this would devastate Maximus. i am still strong, still have my self.

Servitude something i need. Every other aspect of my life requires me to be dominant, i need this submission to stay in balance. i know this. My recent few weeks have illustrated this once again, as i act out and get emotionally imbalanced without this release.

i shall not be free

For me, this is not about a loss of freedom, this is about being bound. i recently broke up with Maximus, for a part of a day, mind you, and through that discovered that i cannot be free of Him. i broke up due to what i thought was a matter of principle, and while it really was, i just could not be broken apart from Him, despite that. The principle is a temporary thing, out of our hands and not worth the price of being broken from Maximus. As in Venus in Fur, we are “handcuffed at the heart,” and cannot be freed from those binds. This is the basis of GOT, that we are Growing Old Together. i cannot be free from Maximus–we are a part of each other and we carry each others hearts in our hearts (see i carry Your heart).

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me.

As my Dom, Maximus is my ultimate protector. He knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, my Achilles heels, and uses that knowledge not to sabotage me, but to protect me from them. i can trust Him completely in any situation or position because i know the object of His heart and soul is not to damage me, but to help me grow, push my limits, reach new heights, and discover things i would never have found on my own or without Him. My hard limits have changed, as well as my soft limits, and that’s all through the power of His protection and trust.

Beyond keeping me safe from my vulnerabilities, He also keeps me safe in any situation. i don’t walk on the street side of the sidewalk when i am with Maximus, He does, to protect me from traffic. We’ve changed workout plans based on my safety, not swimming in choppy Lake Sammamish which did not present a hazard to Him but caused Him concern for me. He’s made sure i’ve not driven home in the dark or when emotional. And beyond the physical dangers, He buffets emotional ones as well, as in the case of not attending the beach party where my ex-husband’s fuck friends would be attending, and, the more difficult, waiting until His divorce is completely final before coming out in the open about our relationship.

You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon

This is so true. There are times i just want to crawl into Maximus and melt, have Him hold me while i cry, to soothe me and restore a sense of sanity. More often than not, the demon is within me; the tapes i play in my head and the insecurities that go with them. That sounds so severe, but usually, its a matter of recharging, getting energy from Him. And it’s aftercare as well. i can go to the edges, i can go to subspace and get lost because Maximus will restore me, kiss my tears.

 

i love how succinctly these words sum up our entire contract. my place is to serve Maximus with my heart and soul, body and mind and receive His gifts of protection and safety. This is something i want to carry with me in those times i am feeling stressed and insecure, a mantra of sorts, to remind me of our goal–a lifetime together.

handcuffed hearts

 

 

Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide, Venus in Fur | Leave a comment

Our Contract and Rules

This is part of our contract and our rules. Appendix 2 refers to our BDSM activities list that i have not included here. This is our first contract, which we’ve amended already, and i’m sure is just the first of several revisions as we grow together through this adventure.


THE PARTIES AGREE AS FOLLOWS
1 The following are the terms of a binding contract between the Dominant and the Submissive.
FUNDAMENTAL TERMS
2 The fundamental purpose of this contract is to allow the Submissive to explore her sensuality and her limits safely, with due respect and regard for her needs, her limits, and her well-being.
3 The Dominant and the Submissive agree and acknowledge that all the occurs under the terms of this contract will be consensual, confidential, and subject to the agreed limits and safety procedures set out in this contract. Additional limits and safety procedures may be agreed in writing.
4 The Dominant and the Submissive each warrant that they suffer from no sexual, serious, infectious, or life-threatening illnesses, including but not limited to HIV, herpes, and hepatitis. If during the Term (as defined below) or any extended term of this contract either party should be diagnosed with or become aware of any such illness, he or she undertakes to inform the other immediately and in any event prior to any form of physical contact between the parties.
5 Adherence to the above warranties, agreements, and undertakings (and any additional limits and safety procedures agreed under clause 3 above) are fundamental to this contract. Any breach shall render it void with immediate effect and each party agrees to be fully responsible to the other for the consequence of any breach.
6 Everything in this contract must be read and interpreted in the light of the fundamental purpose and the fundamental terms set out in clauses 2-5 above.
ROLES
7 The Dominant shall take responsibility for the well-being and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of the Submissive. He shall decide the nature of such training, guidance, and discipline and the time and place of its administration, subject to agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above.
8 If at any time the Dominant should fail to keep to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, the Submissive is entitled to terminate this contract forthwith and to leave the service of the Dominant without notice.
9 Subject to that proviso and to clauses 2-5 above, the Submissive is to serve and obey the Dominant in all things. Subject to the agreed terms, limitations, and safety procedures set out in this contract or agreed additionally under clause 3 above, she shall without query or hesitation offer the Dominant such pleasure as he may require and she shall accept without query or hesitation his training, guidance, and discipline in whatever form it may take.
COMMENCEMENT AND TERM
10 The Dominant and Submissive enter into this contract on the Commencement Date fully aware of its nature and undertake to abide by its conditions without exception.
11 This contract shall be effective for a period of six calendar months from the Commencement Date (“the Term”). On the expiry of the Term the parties shall discuss whether this contract and the arrangements they have made under this contract are satisfactory and whether the needs of each party have been met. Either party may propose the extension of this contract subject to adjustments to its terms or to the arrangements they have made under it. In the absence of agreement to such extension this contract shall terminate and both parties shall be free to resume their lives separately.
AVAILABILITY
12 The Submissive and Dominate will make themselves available to each other at times to be mutually agreed upon by the two of them (“the Allotted Times”). Further allocated time can be mutually agreed on an ad hoc basis. The Dominate and Submissive shall maintain their calendars to ensure scheduled time is maintained. Time between Allotted Times shall not extend greater than one month’s time
13 The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the Submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The Submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant subject only to the Submissive’s rights under clauses 2-5 and 8 above.
LOCATION
14 The Dominant and Submissive will make themselves available during the Allotted Times and agreed additional times at locations to be determined by both parties. The Dominate and Submissive will discuss how travel costs will be paid prior to being incurred. The Submissive agrees to the use of The Dominant’s travel reward points for travel expenses as he deems appropriate.
SERVICE PROVISIONS
15 The following service provisions have been discussed and agreed and will be adhered to by both parties during the Term. Both parties accept that certain matters may arise that are not covered by the terms of this contract or the service provisions, or that certain matters may be renegotiated. In such circumstances, further clauses may be proposed by way of amendment. Any further clauses or amendments must be agreed, documented, and signed by both parties and shall be subject to the fundamental terms set out under clauses 2-5 above.
DOMINANT
15.1 The Dominant shall make the Submissive’s health and safety a priority at all times. The Dominant shall not at any time require, request, allow, or demand the Submissive to participate at the hands of the Dominant in the activities detailed in Appendix 2 or in any act that either party deems to be unsafe. The Dominant will not undertake or permit to be undertaken any action which could cause serious injury or any risk to the Submissive’s life. The remaining subclauses of this clause 15 are to be read subject to this proviso and to the fundamental matters agreed in clauses 2-5 above.
15.2 The Dominant accepts the Submissive as his, to own, control, dominate, and discipline during the Term. The Dominant may use the Submissive’s body at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times in any manner he deems fit, sexually or otherwise.
15.3 The Dominant shall provide the Submissive with all necessary training and guidance in how to properly serve the Dominant.
15.4 The Dominant shall maintain a stable and safe environment in which the Submissive may perform her duties in service of the Dominant.
15.5 The Dominant may discipline the Submissive as necessary to ensure the Submissive fully appreciates her role of subservience to the Dominant and to discourage unacceptable conduct. The Dominant may flog or spank the Submissive as he sees fit, for purposes of discipline, for his own personal enjoyment, or for any other reason, which he is not obliged to provide.
15.6 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that no permanent marks are made upon the Submissive’s body nor any injuries incurred that may require medical attention.
15.7 In training and in the administration of discipline the Dominant shall ensure that the discipline and the instruments used for the purposes of discipline are safe, shall not be used in such way as to cause serious harm, and shall not in any way exceed the limits defined and detailed in this contract.
15.8 In case of illness or injury the Dominant shall care for the Submissive, seeing to her health and safety, encouraging and, when necessary, ordering medical attention when it is judged necessary by the Dominant.
15.9 The Dominant shall maintain his own good health and seek medical attention when necessary in order to maintain a risk-free environment.
15.10 The Dominant shall not loan his Submissive to another Dominant. The Dominant may direct the Submissive to serve another Dominant within the limits of Appendix 2, but the Submissive shall not be loaned as property to that Dominant.
15.11 The Dominant may restrain, handcuff, or bind the Submissive at any time during the Allotted Times or any agreed additional times for any reason and for extended periods of time, giving due regard to the health and safety of the Submissive.
15.12 The Dominant will ensure that all equipment used for the purposes of training and discipline shall be maintained in a clean, hygienic, and safe state at all times.
SUBMISSIVE
15.13 The Submissive accepts the Dominant as her master, with the understanding that she is now the property of the Dominant, to be dealt with as the Dominant pleases during the Term generally but specifically during the Allotted Times and any additionally agreed allotted times.
15.14 The Submissive shall obey the rules (“the Rules”) set out in Appendix 1 to this agreement. The Dominant shall also follow the guidelines of the rules (“the Rules”) set out in Appendix 1 to this agreement as they apply to him.
15.15 The Submissive shall serve the Dominant in any way the Dominant sees fit and shall endeavor to please the Dominant at all times to the best of her ability.
15.16 The Submissive shall take all measures necessary to maintain her good health and shall request or seek medical attention whenever it is needed, keeping the Dominant informed at all times of any health issues that may arise.
15.17 The Submissive will ensure that she maintains contraceptive measures and ensure that she uses it as prescribed to prevent any pregnancy.
15.18 The Submissive shall accept without question any and all disciplinary actions deemed necessary by the Dominant and remember her status and role in regard to the Dominant at all times.
15.19 The Dominant may, at times, direct the Submissive not to touch or pleasure herself sexually without permission from the Dominant.
15.20 The Submissive shall submit to any sexual activity demanded by the Dominant and shall do so without hesitation or argument.
15.21 The Submissive shall accept floggings, spankings, paddlings, or any other discipline the Dominant should decide to administer, without hesitation, inquiry, or complaint.
 
15.22 The Submissive shall always conduct herself in a respectful manner to the Dominant and shall address him only as Sir, Maximus, or such other title as the Dominant may direct.
 
ACTIVITIES
16 The Submissive shall not participate in activities or any sexual acts that either party deems to be unsafe or any activities detailed in Appendix 2.
17 The Dominant and the Submissive have discussed the activities set out in Appendix 2 and recorded in writing on Appendix 2 their agreement in respect of them.
SAFEWORDS
18 The Dominant and the Submissive recognize that the Dominant may make demands of the Submissive that cannot be met without incurring physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or other harm at the time the demands are made to the Submissive. In such circumstances related to this, the Submissive may make use of a safeword (“The Safeword[s]”). Two Safewords will be invoked depending on the severity of the demands.
19 The Safeword “Yellow” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the Submissive is close to her limit of endurance.
20 The Safeword “Red” will be used to bring to the attention of the Dominant that the Submissive cannot tolerate any further demands. When this word is said, the Dominant’s action will cease completely with immediate effect.
CONCLUSION
21 We the undersigned have read and understood fully the provisions of this contract. We freely accept the terms of this contract and have acknowledged this by our signatures below.

The Dominant:


The Submissive:


APPENDIX 1
RULES
Obedience:
The Dominant and the Submissive shall cue each other for the beginning of roleplay by using their designated role names (“Maximus” for the Dominant and “[name not disclosed for general audience, as Maximus is the only one who may speak her name]” for the Submissive. During these roleplays, the Submissive will obey any instructions given by the Dominant immediately without hesitation or reservation and in an expeditious manner. The Submissive will agree to any sexual activity deemed fit and pleasurable by the Dominant excepting those activities that are outlined in the hard limits (Appendix 2). She will do so eagerly and without hesitation.
Sleep:
The Submissive will ensure she achieves adequate sleep and rest when not with the Dominant. The Submissive and the Dominant shall sleep in the same bed when together (“Alotted Times”).
Food:
The Submissive will eat regularly to maintain health and well-being.
Clothes:
During roleplay  the Submissive will wear clothing only approved by the Dominant. The Dominant shall accompany the Submissive to purchase clothing on an ad hoc basis. If the Dominant so requires, the Submissive shall wear adornments the Dominant shall require, in the presence of the Dominant and at any other time the Dominant deems fit.
Exercise:
The Submissive shall exercise in a manner necessary to maintain and build her level of fitness necessary to participate and be competitive in the athletic events of their choosing.  Exercise shall continue to have a priority in her life and the activities under Appendix 2 shall not interfere with training necessary to maintain a competitive edge.
Personal Hygeine/Beauty:
The Submissive will keep herself clean and shaved and/or waxed at all times. The Submissive will visit a beauty salon of the Dominant’s choosing at times to be decided by the Dominant and undergo whatever treatments the Dominant sees fit. All costs will be met by the Dominant.
Personal Safety:
The Dominate understands that The Submissive’s occupation is inherently dangerous and the limits of this Agreement does not pertain to occupational responsibilities.
Personal Qualities:
The Dominant and The Submissive may enter into any sexual relations with anyone other than each other. Such sexual relations may occur in or outside the presence of either party, at any location, at any time. Sexual relations shall be conducted in a manner that shall not expose risk to the health and safety of either partner in this Agreement. The Dominant and The Submissive will conduct themselves in a respectful manner at all times. The Dominant and the Submissive recognize that this relationship is unique to them and is a primary relationship to any other relationship the Dominant of the Submissive have with others.  They must recognize that their behavior is a direct reflection on the other partner. The Dominant and The Submissive shall be held accountable for any misdeeds, wrongdoings, and misbehavior committed when not in the presence of each other. The Submissive will be the Dominant’s only sub; The Dominant shall be the Submissive’s only dom.
Communication: The Dominant and the Submissive may maintain separate and joint accounts on such Internet services [accounts omitted for audience for privacy], as well as separate and joint email accounts for communication for sexual activities to be conducted separately or together, but shall maintain full disclosure on all accounts, including notification of existing and new accounts, account usernames and passwords. Either party shall access any account at any time for any reason and have no expectation of privacy from each other in regards to communications between themselves and third parties. Neither party shall cancel, close, delete, or suspend any online account for any reason unless mutually agreed upon in writing and certified by their signatures.
Any communication devices shall be made available to either party at any time. The Dominant and the Submissive shall function with a philosophy of “overcommunication.” Outside relationships will be discussed fully and proactively. All inquiries from either party shall be answered fully and honestly. All calendars, written or electronic, shall be maintained and accessible to either party.
Failure to comply with any of the above will result in immediate discipline.
Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

Contractually Speaking

As i stood in the shower this morning recalling Maximus and i going over the details of our contract last night i thought, “Why doesn’t everyone make relationship contracts? Why have i never done this before?” The experience was so amazing, so enlightening, opened up so many areas of conversation that we’d not had, and cemented other topics we’d discussed. It sounds so unromantic, a contract, but it feels like one of the most romantic things i’ve ever done in my entire life. And important.

The specific details of our contract are private, between He and i, but i will share our process, basic format. We used the contract out of Fifty Shades of Grey as a guideline. i know much of the BDSM community aren’t necessary fans of this series, but it did offer an example for us when drafting our personal contract. Our contract is NOT that contract, is different, personalized to us, our experience, our comfort levels. We also looked at other contracts on the internet and BDSM activities lists and incorporated them into it.

The BDSM activities list included about 50 different activities and i went through the list first, on my own,  indicating whether i had ever participated in the activity and then rating my interest in engaging in that activity on a scale from 0-5:

  • 0 = I have no interest/don’t like this, but would do it to please you.
  • 1 = Not very interesting/don’t really enjoy this too much.
  • 2 = This is OK.
  • 3 = This is nice/fun/interesting.
  • 4 = I really enjoy/think I’ll enjoy this activity
  • 5 = I LOVE THIS/CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THIS!

and could combine this with:

  • NO = Hard limit. I will not participate in this activity at all, at this time.
  • ? = Unfamiliar with this activity.
  • + = I’m scared of this but would possibly like to explore it.
  • ! = I’m embarrassed to admit I like this.

And then made any comments after that i felt were relevant.

After i sent it to Him, he did the same for each item on the list and returned it to me. We later went over the list together, line by line and discussed each item. Sometimes we had misunderstood the activity or modified the activity in order for acceptable limits for both of us. It was really fascinating and brought up some exciting fantasy talk too!

We discussed the contract over Skype, as He was traveling for business and as noted in my previous blog entry, we really wanted to get the contract settled as soon as possible so we could proceed. We went over that line by line together.

What i learned about Maximus during this process:

  • He is very protective and concerned about my well-being. This absolutely is NOT about hurting me but allowing me to love Him by giving myself to Him fully and He to derive pleasure by lavishing attention and care upon me in complete trust. This is a tremendous gift that we are giving each other and sharing together–something we won’t share with anyone else. Considering that we will continue to be involved with the swinging lifestyle together and separately, this is a HUGE thing.
  • He derives a huge amount of pleasure from my touch and gaze, to the point where the traditional protocol of a submissive not looking at or touching their master until instructed to do so was vehemently unacceptable to Him. i found this fascinating and thrilling. i would have been willing to avert my gaze and wait for His orders to touch Him, had He desired this, but love that He so values that about our relationship together.  
  • He was adamant about ensuring that our Dominant/submissive relationship was controlled, not to take over our entire relationship. It was important to Him that we had triggers to indicate when we were within the D/s roles for He wanted to ensure that i had equal footing as He valued that and my ability to speak and act freely in our relationship as a whole. 
  • While we both wish to continue our swinging lifestyle and even incorporating BDSM within it, it was important for both of us to distinguish our relationship as a priority from other sexual relationships we have. He shared some changes He was going to make in regards to this, which surprised me, things i wouldn’t have asked Him to do, but as He discussed them with me, i appreciated the gravity of them to an enormous degree. They are little things but BIG things. We also talked about communicating about those we are playing with, checking in, and what limits we had with other relationships.
  • Our level of communication was also written into our contract, a philosophy of “over-communication,” and includes full access and disclosure on electronic accounts and websites, calendars, etc. He was very passionate about this, and has been since our relationship became serious. This is not something i’ve had in previous relationships and i cannot reiterate enough the level of trust and appreciation i have for Him.

i love that we have the contract, not for the sake of the contract, but for bringing us together to communicate about things that others don’t, things that they make inaccurate assumptions about that later become huge rifts. i’m submissive but not a Polyanna…i know we will find things along the way that we haven’t talked about, things that will push against our boundaries, assumptions we’ve made, things we’ve talked about but misunderstood, and will undoubtedly have issues come up about them. But, we have a framework to talk about these things and, if needed, a contract we can amend to address them. And, most importantly, a commitment to each other in making this work.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM list, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

Uncomfort…

i’m a little taken aback, had a little earthquake. i thought we were on the same path.

i worry now that perhaps i was wrong in thinking that. am waiting for His call to talk about it.

He is traveling for business, two timezones away, and texted me this morning to visit. i shared with Him news one of our swinging lifestyle couple friends, the male half of which (let’s call him Mountain man) texted me last night and we visited about our weekends and getting together again soon. This is a couple we’ve played with together and separately and have very much enjoyed. It is also a couple that He has mentioned getting together with so He can learn rope bondage technique from, so not a couple that won’t be aware of our new adventure into BDSM.

Mountain man was very excited to share about his experience this weekend, flogging another female playmate. He also had some specific requests for the next time i would be with him and his mate (let’s call her Sunflower). Specifically, he wanted me to peg him wearing a strap-on while he fucked Sunflower and inquired if He (my Dom) would like to watch it, to which i replied, “Of course! And He’ll probably want to touch and play with Sunflower and me as well.” He went on to say that he and Sunflower were starting to explore their “kinkier side.” Remembering our plans to get together with this couple for rope bondage, i mentioned to him that i’d been flogged this weekend as well, having been a good girl, and that we were doing the same, working on our contract and had gone through my sub list. He wanted to know more, wanted to know my limits, etc, but my Dom and i had not talked about sharing that and i said i needed to talk to Him before sharing anything further.

i texted Him about this, to which He replied, “Need to be careful don’t want to get ahead of ourselves.” Oh…my heart dropped immediately into my stomach.

“What do you mean about getting ahead of ourselves?” i carefully asked.

“Poor choice of words. Brain moving too fast for fingers,” He texted.

i was still rocked and really needed to know what this was. “Ok. Rephrase so i understand?”

“you and I need to finish our contract so we are perfectly aligned. That’s what I meant,” He replied.

i had finished revising our contract before He came this past weekend, but we ran out of time to go over it. i’d sent Him a version prior. We’d talked a lot about everything, i thought, including going over my sub list, so i thought we WERE on the same alignment. Now i’m nervous. Has something changed?

i sent Him a copy of the contract, and then a revision later after i realized the sub list wasn’t in it and there were some edits to make based on our weekend’s conversations.

He did text that He couldn’t wait to Skype later.

i’m trying to be hopeful. What if we aren’t aligned? What if we can’t negotiate the contract? i thought we’d started already this weekend and that the contract was, in essence, agreed upon. What if there is a dealbreaker in our negotiation and we cannot come to terms with it? i’ve already given myself completely to Him, body, soul, and heart, based on this assumption. What happens to our relationship if we cannot agree now?

Clearly i am lacking some patience and discipline.

Categories: BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM list, D/s, discipline, Dom/sub, Dominant, patience, sub list, submissive | Leave a comment

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