balance

Sharks in Every Ocean

oceanswim

“There are sharks in every ocean, yet we still swim.”

i like that quote, seems very appropriate right now. In many areas of our lives, we do things knowing there is risk. We swim in the ocean, even though we know there are sharks or have learned we’ve been unknowingly swimming near them until pointed out to us; we drive on roads knowing other drivers might be distracted or poor drivers or otherwise impaired, and may have suffered an accident at the failures of another driver in the past; we get back on the bike or horse that threw us; we love again, despite broken hearts. We go back to our normal activities, eyes more open, more aware, cautious, flinchy, and often donning a new coat of armor.

i’m learning to be ok with feeling emotions again, to not be afraid of them. It is important for me to feel them so i can deal with them appropriately, create new neural pathways, something that won’t occur if i don’t allow myself to feel. And i need to feel emotions, its what makes me passionate in great ways. Emotions are not bad things.

i do struggle right now with Maximus’ armor, though. To me, its a palpable reminder of the danger in not controlling my anger. i get frustrated because the armor is there, a barrier from normal operations. It makes me feel like i don’t get to prove to Him that i’m not raging, and as i’m not raging, the armor is shielding Him from seeing that i’m not attacking at all. i know why its there, i respect that, i just want it to go away. It will come off, piece by piece over time as He realizes the heavy armor is no longer necessary, but i’m impatient.

Oddly though, i’m in a Catch-22 with myself in that while i’m frustrated about His armor, i was surprised by His plan to go to a swingers club tonight. i thought, “Really?!? You don’t think its maybe not a great choice right now after i’d raged at You?” i didn’t react at Him when He told me His plan, i decided i needed to think about it and control any reaction i had. i wasn’t jealous, as i’ve never been jealous about Him going to a swingers club without me, nor has He when i’ve gone; i was just surprised that it appeared that maybe He hadn’t thought it might tempt fate and cause me to rage. i don’t know, i haven’t asked Him about His thought process about this. In the end, though, He canceled that plan and is going to a workshop arranged by His financial advisor instead. So, maybe He did think about it. Perhaps telling me the details on how He came about deciding on what to do tonight was a way for Him to monitor how i would react.

But, when i think about it, i should consider it a good sign, that He felt confident that i wouldn’t rage about it. Or, maybe He just didn’t think about it at all. Or, maybe it was a way to monitor my reaction. I don’t know. Perhaps i should ask Him. He will, undoubtedly, tell me i am over-analyzing it. But, right now, that is kind of the direction i’ve been given by Fern, to analyze my feelings to work on triggers and raging. He has told me several times over the past week not to over-analyze things, so my analyzing is an area of discomfort for Him. i think He feels it is a precursor to my raging, analyzing things to the point where i distort their meaning or assigning them meaning that wasn’t there.

And, part of this is viewing the situation through my lens, not His. i am not comfortable with having sex with others without Maximus with me right now because i am fearful for what happened when i was unhappily married to PiperC. i had an affair when unhappily married to PiperC and fell in love with that woman. my fear is that i imprinted on her because i was unhappy with PiperC. i’m not unhappy with Maximus, but i feel sideways with Him and i worry that having sex without Him might cause problems i don’t want. Now, i have nothing to prove that really is the case, i’ve never had a problem separating sex and love before, so i may be over-analyzing. Maybe this is my armor. But because i feel this way, my lens, i have projected that upon Him, which is not fair.

Circular talk. Maybe making problems out of things that aren’t there just by what-iffing it to death. But this is my self-talk.

There are sharks in the ocean, certainly. He’s gotten back into the water, holding out His hand to me and saying the water’s fine, not worried about certain sharks, i guess. i should trust Him, take His hand and get into the water. We are fearful of different sharks. Together, if we let ourselves, we’ll help each other navigate those waters. i can’t expect Him to take my hand and follow me into water that is scary to Him if i don’t take His when i’m standing on the shore afraid of the water He’s offering to protectively guide me into. Especially if those sharks have never attacked. He is right there, swimming beside me like He always has, making sure i’m safe, reassuring me, swimming ahead only when He knows i’m safe, confident, and strong.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, counseling | 1 Comment

A Long Day

long day

It’s been a long day and its not even 8PM.

i fell asleep last night and didn’t realize until i awoke at midnight that i’d not texted a “Goodnight” to Maximus, and saw that i had not received one either, which is not pre-rage normal. i told myself not to take it personally, give Him the benefit of the doubt that He’s still going through the pain of my rage, and simply texted Him a goodnight text and went back to sleep.

i texted a good morning text when i got up, but didn’t hear anything for hours, not until i had called and left a voicemail on His cell phone telling Him good morning and that i missed His voice. i texted Him to ask if we could Skype today as i wanted to have some face-to-face time and have Him share with me what insights He was getting from my posts. i did get a text a while after i left the voicemail letting me know that He’d been on a ladder painting all morning, which i figured. i asked about the Skype again and didn’t get a reply about it.

i headed to the bike shop to look for a new bike, but they were closed for the holiday–their website made it appear they were open today, but i was mistaken. It was disappointing, normally not a big deal, but added to the discomfort i’d felt from lack of communication. i got over it and decided to go for a run after driving home.

my run was great, in the pouring rain, 6.5 miles, had a great fast pace. A good win. Maximus texted during my run to talk, that He was on His way to the pool to swim. i missed Him from my run, texted to Skype when He got home. He texted an hour and a half later asking to talk, that He was driving and could talk, but i just really wanted to Skype, so i asked if we could please Skype. He Skyped me immediately and i declined as i didn’t want to Skype while He was driving. i requested that He Skype me later from home when He was able.

A couple of hours passed and i didn’t hear from Him. i knew He was probably busy painting, but i was starting to get very disappointed about not Skyping. When this feeling started, i reminded myself that He had tried to talk twice and i’d not been able to and declined–so not His fault that we’d not talked, it was mine. This settled me down. i did decide, though, to call Him then and see if He could talk while working, just so we could arrange a time to Skype. i knew that He had plans tonight with His kids and was anxious that i wasn’t even going to hear from Him at all, let alone Skype.

My emotions bubbled up when He answered. i’m really still scared of feeling emotion right now, worried that i might not contain them. It’s not that i think i’m going to rage, its that if i do, the consequences of doing it are so dire that i’m just afraid to risk it. Because of this, i just had difficulty communicating with Maximus. i was talking, but i wasn’t able to articulate what i wanted to say. He said i was articulating well, but the message i was sending and the message He was receiving were not the same message. i got frustrated. i didn’t rage, but i was frustrated. i tried to get off the phone call, but Maximus recommended we stop trying to talk about texting and Skype and my frustrations about our decreased communication and talk about every day things instead. This helped.

We actually talked for a long time, an hour and 15 minutes. We did make arrangements to Skype this evening after dinner with the kids. At the end, however, i started bringing up stuff that we were going to talk about via Skype, which just got me feeling frustrated again. i decided i wanted to make dinner and get off the phone, but Maximus wanted to continue talking–i just started listening instead of talking, i was tired.

At the end, Maximus said He had something to reply in regards to me requesting that He “throw me a little bone” and increase our communication a little bit as the decrease makes me feel insecure right now and as insecurity is a trigger, i just needed a little help from Him. He mentioned that while the thing He was going to say wasn’t bad, He figured i’d take it and overanalyze it and feel hurt by it, so asked that i not do take what He was going to say personally. i simply asked Him to not end our phone conversation with it then, that if it was something He felt i would be upset by, it didn’t seem fair to end our phone call with it, and that perhaps He could just wait and tell it to me during our Skype conversation. He agreed. i actually felt good about making that suggestion and while i was exhausted by it, was glad that He agreed to do that.

He’s been texting a little bit during dinner. He texted to say that now He can perform a scene that i’ve been unsure of doing, asking Him for patience as i work up to it. i didn’t understand the connection and asked why. He replied, “Kinda like a get out of jail card. Hehe.”

i replied, “Ok, i’ll do anything,” tears welling up as i am so committed to righting this that i really WILL do ANYTHING to get this relationship repaired.

“Wow. Really. Going to pressure test that statement. Hehe,” He replied.

i responded, “i’m beyond serious, sweetheart. i’ll do whatever it takes to earn Your trust back,” and instantly the tears started flowing. i was spent. i went up to bed and laid down, considering asking Him to postpone Skype as i was exhausted. But, after laying there, breathing, taking an Excedrin for a budding headache, and working on the self-talk, i decided that continuing on with our planned talk was the best thing to do.

And i decided that i really needed to touch base with the counselor and get this therapy started. i’d not heard back from her since i asked if she had any associates who were covered under my insurance, so i sent her an email that i was really wanting to start with her now, solo, and incorporating Maximus in later as we progressed. She wrote back almost immediately that she had an appointment open tomorrow afternoon, and i replied to take that.

And, i sent her my blog posts in case she desires some information before we meet.

Now i await Maximus’ Skype call.

So we’ve Skyped–really hard for me to stay up for it, in fact i was napping when He texted to start.

His insights on my posts so far:

  • He is impressed that i have thrown myself into addressing this issue as i have, in the big manner that i tend to do when i get involved with any project. He feels this will accelerate our healing, especially in my working with the counselor.
  • my posts have been very insightful, very forthright, and introspective, like the previous posts about BDSM and relationship stuff has been.
  • He found it very interesting, surprising that He is the only one i rage with. When i reminded Him that my post about Abandonment Rage indicated that i started raging at the end of my marriage to OneGuy, He said that He wasn’t correlating that to being the same thing as He, Himself, wasn’t doing those things to me. We had some discussion about triggers.
  • He said He’s in this for the long-haul. It was a hit to the structure, much like the recent bridge collapse north of us when a truck hit the structure. But much like that area will have a temporary structure placed soon and after time a new, permanent structure, we too have to wait a little bit for the temporary structure and the permanent fix, and in time it won’t even appear it was ever gone.

We have had some struggle bridging the gap between our needs for healing. He needs space and time, i need communication. Both of us need the opposite of the other. For me, this illustrates why i need to talk to a third party, as there are some things that the person i’m communicating with needs to be impartial from the hurt. We agreed to be cognizant of each others needs in these areas. And i agreed to work on being patient about His healing process.

We talked for an hour or so and then we were exhausted. We do want to talk about our schedules and how we want to approach getting together again.

It was a good conversation. We will talk again tomorrow night after i have my appointment with the counselor.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, insecurities | Leave a comment

Blame it on my Wild Heart…

wildheart

As i noted in Abandonment Rage, i will be journaling about my progress, pitfalls, and wins. At this point, i will be doing a journal entry every day to go over my feelings, struggles, lessons learned, counseling sessions, etc. of that day.

i have finished the book, Rage, having gone through it line by line, chapter by chapter, several times, and written about what i have learned from it. i am thankful to have found this book–i’m sure there are others out there, but this was what i needed at this time to get started. i intend on printing out my journal pages and taking them to my counselor when i go, perhaps even send them to her prior to our first meeting, should she be interested in that, so that we can discuss my situation, what i’ve learned, and her impressions of those.

Physically, i’ve lost five pounds. Normally i’d be happy about that, but i know it’s because i’ve not been eating. At times my stomach has been so upset that i cannot get food into my mouth, even after i’ve spent time to prepare something healthy. i have eaten at work, but small amounts, as i know i need to have some food to function in my job. i do know that i do need to eat, not only because i need the nourishment, but because low blood sugar situations initiate hormone responses, and fluxuations can lead to emotional imbalance, and i need all the help i can get to keep my emotions in check. Last night, after i’d made a beautiful salad for dinner, i found i couldn’t eat it because i started worrying about not hearing from Maximus in hours (it was only less than two hours when i figured it out, i’d thought my nap had been much longer), so to remedy that, i called a friend and took my dinner to her house and ate with her, which worked very well!

i talked to Maximus on my way home from my friends, for just a few minutes because He was exhausted and in bed. He sounded exhausted. i told myself not to take it personally that He didn’t want to talk long.

i finally slept well last night. Some of the sleep deprivation has been work-related, a necessary evil of my occupation, but the majority has been tossing and turning, mind-reeling, thinking about what has happened, worrying about what is or will happen. i’ve never used sleep aids, and will continue not to use them, as i don’t need anything in my system that alters my chemistry right now.

i also masterbated for the first time since the incident yesterday, which is a long time for me. i’ve been at work a lot, so obviously not going to do that there, but when i was home, i just didn’t like myself very much, so pleasuring myself was not palatable. i masterbated three times, used that as a sleep aid, actually, and each time envisioned Maximus making love to me, enjoying me, the two of us happy and entwined and together. This was a beautiful vision to have, full of beautiful self-talk and self-loving.

The dramatic decrease in communication between Maximus and me has been the most difficult part of this. We text, email, and talk all day, generally, and we are texting and talking only a couple of times a day now. This is so palpable. It’s often hours and hours between a text to Him and a reply. i feel myself become anxious about it and start to worry what that means. But, i apply the lessons i have learned from Rage, breathe, give Him the benefit of the doubt that He’s hurting, healing, and probably busy to keep His mind off this, and remember the little reassurances that i’ve had from Him. Sure enough, all those things are true–imagine that! i’ve taken several baths to relax too.

i have been concerned that perhaps my open journal to Maximus might make Him feel barraged as every post sends an automatic email to Him–Friday had three posts alone. We talked today and i asked Him about that and discovered quite a bit from Him. He has been reading my posts, says that they have been very insightful and have been acting as a sort of antidote to the poisoning He has felt from my rage. He does not feel barraged and would like me to continue my journaling in this forum that He can see. i let Him know that this would be a daily thing for a while and will show ups and downs, and He understood and reiterated His support for me doing this. i did make a joke, and checked with Him to see if it would be ok for me to do that, which was that the last two times He’s mentioned being poisoned all i’ve wanted to do was to ask if i could suck the poison out! He chuckled and said that was actually really quite desirable and was very insightful to hear from me! He also went on that He’d not lost interest to tie me up and fuck me, etc., although He was a bit fearful that the flogging might be a bit more forceful than it should be. i was so relieved to hear Him say that, as i had kind of assumed that He lost interest in me sexually over this, mostly because i know i, myself had lost interest in it (an illustration of shame response, figuring i was no longer sexy or desirable). i told Him i really desired to have Him flog me and a little more forceful flogging actually sounded good to me. He said He was a bit fearful of losing control and flogging too hard out of being upset, not wanting to do that, and added, “It will leave marks.” To which i replied, “Well i left my marks on you already,” which He concurred. It felt so good to have this discussion. And His voice sounded more back to normal today on the phone too. Little things.

i also worked out today. i swam 3000 meters, working on stroke improvements, and did take a few momentary breaks when my concentration lapsed. It was good to have the technique adjustments to work on to keep my mind focused on something else. And i ran 3.25 miles on the treadmill too. Both great things.

This afternoon was a lot more like normal in that Maximus texted quite a bit. He was out shopping and saw the shirt in the photo at the top of the post: Blame it on my Wild Heart. It’s so good to be able to have a piece of our humor back again! Baby steps.

It’s been a good day.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, insecurities, patience, Reflection, submissive journal | Leave a comment

Shame-Based Rage

Image

The last type of rage i experience is Shame-Based Rage. This is to a lesser extent, and related to the shame i feel after the times i have exploded in sudden abandonment rage. i get horribly embarrassed and feel humiliated by my actions, beat myself up internally. Only once has this been the sole type of rage event for me, but it is a secondary issue in episodes of Abandonment Rage.

Shame is both a feeling and a belief. It is an unpleasant feeling of being totally exposed to people’s criticism, where the person  can come to believe that they are somehow defective, broken, flawed, damaged. The instinctive reaction to a moment of shame is to flee, run away, or hide, to become invisible so no one can see your flaws. While running away makes the person feel safer, it triggers a self-defeating spiral where they feel additional shame for fleeing. However, in shame-rage, the person tries to get rid of the feeling of shame by giving it to someone else–dumping all their anger on someone else.

The time i experienced Shame-based rage was during a dinner with Maximus and The Englishman. Maximus and i had confided in The Englishman about our relationship and difficulties i was having as he had overheard a Skype episode where i had raged at Maximus in December. The Englishman started to, what i perceived, lecture me in front of Maximus about how i needed to trust Him and that He loved me, something we had worked out. The Englishman didn’t have all the information and i felt i needed to defend myself from this onslaught, ambushed. i started to feel my emotions take over and in effort to calm down and not rage, i excused myself to the car to breathe. As i was sitting in the parking lot, a man from an adjacent car started banging on the car window and yelling at me, i have no idea why. i locked my door, put my face in my lap and he went away. Soon i heard the driver’s door open. i assumed it was Maximus, so i sat up and leaned into Him for Him to hold me–however, when i opened my eyes, i saw it was The Englishman and i exploded inside, felt invaded in my safe place. i yelled for him to leave me alone, ran out of the car and ran down the street. i ran and ran and ran. i was angry at Maximus for sending him out to me–my assumption as to what happened. Eventually i settled down and decided to go back to the car, however, when i returned, Maximus and The Englishman started yelling at me from the restaurant entrance. As i didn’t want to see The Englishman again at that moment, i tossed my stilettos and beautiful necklace Maximus had purchased for me at the car and ran away again. i tried to get a cab from an auto shop to go home as i had left my cell phone in Maximus’ car, but they never called one for me. Eventually i returned to the restaurant where Maximus tracked me down in His car, frantically searching the area for me, and i got into His car only when The Englishman left to another restaurant. i was furious with Maximus, thinking He’d sent The Englishman to shame me more, accused Him of sending “a rapist to rape me some more!”, screaming at Him. At one point i ran from the car, telling Him i was going Home and we were done. After i sat and breathed for a few moments, i returned to the car and He drove me home.

At those moments, all i want to do is run. Run fast, far, away from my shame, away from the hurt, away from, what i feel, are critical eyes, embarrassed, humiliated.

9 Steps to Tame Shame-Based Rage

1. Make a strong commitment right now to gain control over shame-based rage.

I’m so there!

i, gabriella, promise today to quit raging. Specifically, i will refrain from raging against anybody, especially the people i love. If i feel personally shamed by something others say or do, i will step away until i gain control over my urge to attack. i will use no excuses to justify shaming, blaming, or treating others with contempt.

Part of this is that during discussions or when i feel overwhelming emotions starting to build, i need to let Maximus know that i need a break. There are times that i have run away without telling Him this and walk away, which prompts Him to ask me to come back and not walk away from Him–i usually return and fail to tell Him i’m needing a break, which further accelerates the situation. i have to own my commitment to communicate my needs.

2. Follow the shame-rage trail back to your own shameful thoughts and feelings.

These are not caused by what someone else says, even though it feels like it, it is based upon what is going on inside my head. No one’s blaming me, they are discussing things because they care, so don’t take this personally. This will be extremely important as i work to eliminate raging as it will require me to discuss these things with Maximus, with a counselor, and with the two of them together–i will feel intense shame, guilt, remorse, and i need to manage that without letting it take me over.

3. Discover how you temporarily get rid of your shame by raging.

My shame gets aimed at Maximus. When i had the episode with The Englishman, i blamed Maximus for allowing The Englishman to ambush me, which was not true. He never sent The Englishman out, He was stuck inside the restaurant trying to figure out what was happening and trying to pay the bill for a very expensive dinner we had ordered. He could not run out after The Englishman, He could not go out to me until He had dealt with the bill.

During episodes of abandonment rage, i call Him the things my shame was telling myself about me. i’m attacking Him as if He is my shame.

4. Reclaim your shame to break the shame-rage connection.

i have to accept that i feel shameful, that i have behaved in a manner that is causing me to feel embarrassed and humiliated in front of the person i love. i need to own it and i need to deal with the abandonment issues that trigger the raging that makes me feel ashamed.

5. Challenge the validity of the five core shame messages.

It’s time to replace negative self-talk with healing thoughts. Change:

  • “i am no good” to “i am good.”
  • “i am not good enough” to “i am good enough.”
  • “i am unlovable” to “i am loved and lovable.”
  • “i don’t belong” to “i belong.”
  • “i should not exist” to “i am.”

i need to be patient and kind to myself in this process. It is already a bit of a struggle here because as i have wounded Maximus so deeply and He feels poisoned, He has pulled back from me, which i have focused on as humiliating. This has changed our communication patterns dramatically, as text messages and phone calls have drastically reduced, bringing up feelings of loss, memories of abandonment in past relationships, and is extremely uncomfortable. it is easy for the self-talk of, “look what you’ve done” to start and i have fear in feeling emotions right now. i am so afraid of having another raging episode that i fear my feelings, wishing i could will them away, but realizing that it is natural and normal to have emotions, i just need to deal with them effectively. Healing self-talk during these times has been helpful.

6. Treat others with respect and dignity at all times.

This has a lot to due with the last paragraph. i have wounded Maximus; He is feeling pain and loss too, trying to both heal and protect Himself. i need to respect what He needs and realize that He’s not doing that to hurt me back. i respect that He is still here, that He did not end our relationship, and i give Him the benefit of the doubt. i will use the little things that return and celebrate them.

Potter-Efron suggests the Five As for ways to be respectful:

Attend: Take time to really listen and give complete attention.

Appreciate: Like what Maximus does and how He does things.

Accept: Maximus does not have to change, He’s okay how He is.

Admire: i can learn from Maximus. He does things with grace and skill. He has dealt with past abandonment which, in many ways, were so much worse than i encountered, and doesn’t resort to raging. i admire that and wish to learn from Him.

Affirm: i am so happy that Maximus is part of my life. i cannot imagine my life without Him. i want to celebrate our lives together and embrace GOT every day.

7. Give praise instead of criticism.

i will stop looking for something wrong. i will notice thoughtfulness, creativity, generosity, appearance, individuality, intelligence, and accomplishments and then give praise for it.

8. Surround yourself with people who treat you respectfully.

i do this and will continue to do this.

9. Watch for relapse signs that your shame rage is getting out of control.

i will monitor the self-talk and the feelings of anxiety that come with dealing with the aftermath of these raging incidents. When i feel them growing beyond simple emotional responses, i will work to calm myself down, breathe, not let the emotions go out of control, take a time out, ask for space, do something else to occupy my mind and feel fulfilled.

And never, never give up on myself. i can do this.

Believe that we will heal. Believe that we will be stronger together. Be patient in the process.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, fear, rage, relationship needs | 1 Comment

Abandonment Rage

abandonment

i am actually looking forward to this blog as i have learned some critical things about myself and my raging. i am encouraged by what i’ve read and am putting the information into action already. i am not a Polyanna, however, i recognize that this is not going to be easy, it will take a lot of work and guts on my part, but i have a better understanding on what’s going on and a plan to deal with it.

The major triggers of my rage are real or imagined threats of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect, known as Abandonment Rage. Most frequently, children who have grown up in unstable environments have this type of rage, however, this is not the case for me, thank goodness, as the damage from that type of abandonment is so deep-seated that it is difficult for those adults to recover from it. My fear stems from two failed marriages. This fear leads to a feeling of insecurity in my relationship with Maximus.

This insecurity is what gave me the feeling of being “terrified” when Maximus first told me He had fallen in love with me and wanted to pursue a committed relationship. However, i did jump in, which is typical in this level of insecurity. i tend to worry about how much Maximus loves me and if it’s equitible and often find it difficult to believe that He chose me and will stay. This insecurity makes me distrustful. Here are things that i identified with in the book, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW, PhD:

  • i look for proof that the person who says they care about me cannot be trusted
  • Feeling neglected or ignored by the person i love seems almost intolerable to me
  • i struggle with intense feelings of jealousy (and deny it vehemently)
  • i sometimes feel cheated by my partner because i think i give them more love, care, and attention than i get back

So what made me fearful to start with?

Unhealthy adult relationships can strongly affect you. Certainly trying to love someone who really does lie, cheat, and steal is a formula for insecurity. Your entire relationship history, not just your family of origin, molds how you feel about relationship bonds.

This is the clincher for me. Let me describe my two marriages and how my unresolved issues are affecting my relationship with Maximus today.

PiperC and i were married for 11 years. We never fought–NEVER. We met at work, held the same position for a long time, which worked well. However, i began to promote up the ranks and he began to despise the distances in our ranks and the positional knowledge that gave me. He became professionally jealous and this eventually began to poison our relationship. He began disrespectful and hostile and our interpersonal and sexual relationship began to fail. i ended up having an affair with a woman toward the end of our marriage, desiring emotional and sexual fulfillment. Things declined to the point where he began to encourage me to apply for management positions in other states and made it clear that he would not follow me. i started to make an exit strategy which accelerated after an incident where he nearly accidentally injured me but showed no remorse–this lead me to dissolve the relationship immediately. (As a note, as i write that, i see how my abandonment rage is so very similar to this and how i am treating Maximus how i was treated then…i certainly need to change)

i felt absolutely betrayed by PiperC, who promised to love and cherish and stick by me for better and worse–and when i became better at my job, he despised me.

i was only legally divorced from PiperC one month when i met OneGuy, although we had been separated for four months. The lack of emotional and sexual intimacy for the last years of our marriage had left me severely wanting and i was anxious to get back into dating even though friends and family recommended i wait to heal and recover. OneGuy and i became very serious extremely quickly, and ended up moving into my new house i purchased just six months after we started dating and married a year later.

The relationship turned horrible the moment we moved in together with his two teenage children. OneGuy had assured me equal status as an adult in the household, able to be involved with decisions of the family, which did not hold true. He undermined my decisions, belittled me in front of them. He believed household chores were child abuse, which he did not divulge before we moved in together, despite many discussions about home life, and the house was constantly a state of hovel, which i could not tolerate and ended up constantly cleaning. i came home to days of dishes and rotting food, clothing, animal filth, and my beautiful home i purchased was being destroyed. Unfortunately, in my desire not to fail at another relationship, i thought things would change.

Financial problems plagued the relationship as well. OneGuy was embarrassed that we were engaged without a ring, but he didn’t have liquid cash to buy one. He asked if he could borrow money from me to buy the ring and that he would pay me back once he sold an ATV. i had money from the sale of a house that i was going to use to buy household items we’d need for a brand new house, so i loaned that to him. However, when he sold the ATV, he used the money to pay a huge credit card debt i had no idea he had instead of paying me back. It was impossible to get the money back now that it was paid to a credit card company and i was out.

He did give me money to contribute to a down payment, which i had refused to accept initially. However, i did not realize until we did taxes the first year after we were married that he had sold stocks for this money but did not pay taxes incurred. We were hit with a HUGE tax burden which he did not have money to pay. i had finally recouped money i lost from the ring fiasco and ended up using that and credit to pay the tax debt. i thought we were done with taxes until we received a letter from the IRS that we were not getting the family tax rebate because it was applied to an enormous back tax debt of OneGuy’s from 2001. He insisted that he did not owe it and that it was from an error his ex-wife made and had been refusing to pay it. After searching through boxes and boxes of unfiled paperwork, i found letter after letter after letter, many unopened, from the IRS about this debt. Now that we were married, the IRS was taking my money to pay his ginormous debt that was growing exponentially from late fees and compounding interest. He refused to do anything about it.

On Christmas, his ex-wife called asking to be paid out for her divorce settlement early. He had promised me that he had no outstanding debt from that divorce and that there were no future payments from retirement accounts that had to be dispersed to her. He had lied. The stocks that he had sold to give me the down payment were legally hers through the divorce agreement. So what he had done was basically given a piece of my home equity to her. He was able to disuade her from taking that money now, due to the economy, not telling her what he’d done, and she agreed to wait. i was horrified to think i was at risk of losing my house to a decision i had no part of and no idea about.

During all of this, i tried to talk with OneGuy about these issues. He refused to discuss them, told me they were none of my business. His tactic was to stop talking to me and ignore me, for days and days, acting as if i was not in the house. He would not reply to text messages, not answer the phone. After a while he would talk to me, but never about the issues–they were swept under the carpet. Eventually, i began to rage when this happened–this is when my raging started. i could not stand being ignored for days and i was devastated at what was happening to me in my own home.

We did start swinging during this relationship, which was, ironically, the strongest part of our relationship together. However, during a trip to the beach, OneGuy gave me his phone to look up a website and i found it was logged on to an adult dating site called Ashley Madison, which is site designed for married people to meet others to have discreet affairs with. i didn’t ask him about it, but i did create a false profile on the site which he immediately contacted (i did not contact him first) and after some chatting, arrangements were made to meet. i never met him, i canceled at the last minute after he left the house to meet this make-believe person, realizing that he was having affairs. i was very upset that he was having affairs as we were very actively involved in swinging together and he was having sex with lots of women with my full knowledge and consent–why did he need to cheat?!? i had intention to confront him about this but the next issue came up immediately and i didn’t even need to bring the infidelity up.

The final straw was a horrible undermining of me in front of his son, a horrible lie that could never be undone, where he said that i hated his son in front of him. i adored his children with all my heart and was leveled by how he so intentionally destroyed my credibility with them by doing that–and i knew i’d never get it back. He had torpedoed me. i divorced him immediately. The financial disasters continued as he demanded more money from me, knowing it was cheaper for me to pay him than to fight it in court. i also gave him the ring, much to the dismay of my family, as i just could not stand to see it anymore, knowing it’s financial history.

i was destroyed after this marriage, as i noted in my previous blog post. i felt so betrayed, unloved, abandoned, lied to. i just willed myself to living a life on my own and never having to deal with all this risk again. i never dealt with these feelings.

So, am i doomed to be insecure and fearful forever? Thankfully, no. Research has shown that people can and do change attachment patterns and no matter how insecure i feel today, there is reason to hope that i can learn to feel safer within my relationship over time. But i will have to be patient as it is a gradual process and requires diligence.

Seven Steps to Prevent Abandonment Rage

1. Learn everything you can about with whom, when, how, and why you turn your fear of abandonment into rage.

With whom do i rage? Maximus

When do i rage? i am most typically triggered by some sort of mention or text from Ms. W. Other triggers include scheduling struggles, whether scheduling time to see each other or to talk.

How do i rage? i say very hurtful things, things that are not true, are spiteful and inflammatory. i yell, stomp, swear, flee, return and accost verbally.

Why do i rage? i rage because i have a perceived threat that Maximus is in love with Ms. W and that He will leave me for her. i fear that she is trying to push me out and that she will win Maximus over, leaving me without the love of my life.

2. Commit to quit raging, no matter how jealous, empty, lonely, hurt, insecure, or unsafe you feel.

At the beginning of our relationship, i shared with Maximus the trust issues i have stemming from my marriage to OneGuy. In effort to be completely transparent and show me that He was committed and fully honest with me, He gave me the passwords to His email and lifestyle dating accounts, as well as His iPhone, and instructed me to feel  free to access any of these if ever i felt insecure. He felt so strongly about this that He had this included in our BDSM contract. The problem was, this was like crack cocaine to me. i got completely obsessed with my ability to check His email, phone, accounts for signs that He was being dishonest. At one point, He got a security warning from His email service that another computer was logged in to His account and He changed His password. He told me about this, thinking that He’d been hacked, not even imagining that it was me who was logged on, and i confessed that it was me. Not intentionally, He did not give me His new password, and i didn’t ask, as i was mortified about the situation.

Initially, i was beside myself about not being able to check His email, but after a few days, i realized how freeing it was to not feel compelled to have to check it. i later told Maximus about this and asked that He not give me the password, and He complied with that. When it came time to renew our contract, however, i refused to remove this clause and asked for His password, which i didn’t get. i demanded He give me this password during my last rage.

The iPhone has had a similar effect on me. Maximus gave me free access to it, which i eventually told Him i felt would be better that i requested to see His phone rather than just picking it up and going through it behind His back. He said it wasn’t necessary. But again, this became obsessive for me. i find myself staring at His phone, wondering what’s in there. i have gone through His phone and i hate myself for doing it after i’ve done it.

my preference is to not have carte blanche access to His email and phone. It’s not necessary and just increases my level of insecurity and then shame for going through them looking for prove that He loves only me. Maximus, please do not give me your email password. i will work extremely hard to fight the urge to go through His phone. It is a habit that brings me shame and i am going to break this habit. i am requesting that we remove this clause from our BDSM contract as well.

You will need all your courage, commitment, and conviction to get through these moments. You will find them occurring frequently when you try to quit raging about abandonment issues…you can keep screaming, yelling, whining, and badgering your partner until he or she really does leave you, or you can make and keep a commitment to quit raging, no matter how unsafe you feel.

i recognize that there will be triggers sooner or later (probably sooner) that will trigger doubts, but i must keep my promise not to explode.

3. Make your main goal to exchange the sense of distrust that fuels abandonment rages with a willingness to trust.

When i feel fearful or overanalytical, i need to stop the self-talk that starts the spinning inside my head. This self-talk perpetuates itself and grows to include other minor things as proof until i have a tornado of rage from often inconsequential things. The author suggests substituting these thoughts when negative self-talk and analyzing begins:

  • Today i choose to trust Maximus.
  • From now on, i’m going to trust Maximus.
  • i’ll give Maximus the benefit of the doubt.
  • i want to be more trusting. i can be more trusting. i will be more trusting.
  • i am more trusting now than i used to be and i will continue to develop trust.
  • my world is safer than it used to be. i’ve just got to accept that fact.
  • Maximus loves me and wants to stay with me.

And for goodness sakes, hasn’t He proved that?

4. To gain greater ability to trust in the present, focus upon people whom you have been able to trust in the past.

My family has always be a source of trust for me. However, i am not comfortable in sharing this information with them. Instead, i will use the lifetime of trust as a model of how i do have people who i can trust and Maximus is part of that family.

5. Replace jealous, suspicious, and distrusting words and actions with trusting ones.

First, i am making a promise, a commitment, that i will change my words and behaviors, stop the destructive self-talk and searching for proof of dishonesty RIGHT NOW.

Second, i will give Maximus the benefit of the doubt that He deserves. No more accusations or demands for proof that He loves me.

Third, i will catch myself starting the self-doubt and stop the paranoia.

Fourth, i will develop a trusting vocabulary of “i trust You” and “i can depend on You.”

Fifth, i will act in a manner of a trusting person! even if it doesn’t feel natural.

6. Learn how to accept reassurance when you need reminders that you are loved and wanted.

Believe Maximus when He tells you that He loves you, that you are the BPE (Best Piece of Ass), and trust that GOT means a lifetime commitment. i will breathe these things in deeply and hold them in my heart. i will believe that i am loved, appreciated, and accepted.

7. Challenge yourself to let go of especially painful feelings of neglect, abandonment, rejection, or betrayal from the past.

Maximus is NOT PiperC or OneGuy. They are out of your life, stop holding Maxiums accountable for their actions. i will leave the past in the past and believe that i am not doomed to repeat past pains. i will forgive PiperC and OneGuy and stop holding the grudges about past betrayals.

i will continue to journal about my progress, pitfalls, and wins.

i will go to therapy to help me deal with my past demons and learn techniques to keep my commitment of trust.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, divorce, rage | Leave a comment

Examining my Sudden Rage

This post is about examining my sudden rage patterns. In this exercise i will be examining a particular sudden rage i went through.

About how long ago did this event take place?

This sudden rage event took place four days ago. This was a rolling rage event that spanned three days, the worst it has ever been.

What was going on in your life at the time that added stress to your life or might help explain what happened?

Maximus and i were returning from a trip to Las Vegas where we had competed in an athletic event and for some rest and relaxation. i was feeling awkward and insecure due to some behaviors of mine during the trip.

i had gotten upset at Him our first night when i discovered what i thought was a Cialis-induced erection and accused Him of doping before His race. We had overcome this over the next days of our trip, but i was still dealing with the shame of accusing Him of this and disrupting His sleep the night before an important event. Maximus had brought it up several times and i was just mortified about it, had been beating myself up and just wanted to move on from it.

Also, we’d had a discussion the night before during dinner about marriage and commitment that had upset me. i hadn’t raged about it, but i was feeling a bit embarrassed and frustrated about it still. During the course of the conversation Maximus asked if, theoretically, i would marry Him if He’d asked and i answered, “ummmmm, yes.” i returned the question to Him and He didn’t want to answer the question, got uncomfortable, wouldn’t look at me. We had a lot of discussion about why He wouldn’t answer the same question He just asked me and it just got worse. He finally answered, “yes,” but i was extremely embarrassed and felt hurt that He wouldn’t look at me and had refused to answer His same question. i began to tear up and said i needed to leave and walk, which we did. i settled down, didn’t rage, but was very rattled inside.

Just before the initial incident, we were navigating through the San Francisco airport and Maximus was irritated that we were going to have to take a shuttle to another terminal for our connecting flight, as He’d never had to do that before. It was irritating to me that He, such a well-seasoned traveler, seemed so disturbed by this when i thought it was no big deal. He wanted to go to the United Club and i needed to eat. i suggested that He go to the Club and i’d eat, but He said He wanted to eat too and then we’d go to the Club. After we ate, He wanted to go immediately to the shuttle and i had waited to use the restroom in the Club…i was having trouble following what He wanted to do and He was just so rattled. i asked Him not to get so wonky about this.

Had you been drinking or drugging right before the rage (or withdrawing from a heavy period of intoxication)? If so, how do you think that affected you?

No

Who was involved in the rage episode?

Maximus and me.

What triggered the rage (maybe something someone said or did)?

As we arrived at the gate, Maximus was showing me something on His phone when He got a text message from Ms. W. It appeared to me that He pretended not to notice the text banner pop up, which irritated me. i told Him to look at the message, not ignore it. i immediately got upset that she was texting Him when we were on our way home as it seemed to be a pattern that she contact Him as soon as we or He got back from travels so she could get together with Him. i was immediately incensed. We started boarding the plane and i was hostile, teary, and snarky at Him. He demanded we wait until we got home in a few hours to talk about this. i simmered the entire flight and towncar ride home, refusing to look at or interact with Him.

How much of what happened during the rage did you remember the next day (All, some, none at all)? If you remember anything, what do you remember? During the rage, what did you say? What did you think? What did you feel? What did you do?

i remember EVERY detail of this rage. It plays over and over and over in my mind like a tape. i am not going to recount every statement, accusation, action, etc. because it is too much to write out.

i yelled at Maximus, accused Him of being in love with Ms. W, accused Him of being untruthful to me about it, demanded that He never see her again, told Him i would no longer be with Him if He would not make that change. He wanted to compromise on this and i refused over and over and over. i stomped, i made ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, made faces, yelled until i had no voice. i removed gifts i had given Him, special gifts with tremendous meaning and then told Him i was taking them because He no longer deserved them. i told Him how He was free to be with Ms. W now and all the things they could do and accused Him of secretly wanting that all along. i accused Him of being polyamorous.

i demanded He drive me home. He agreed. We got into the car and a block away from the house at a stoplight i got out and walked back home when He asked me not to badger Him all the way to my house. i went up to “take a nap” because i demanded that i was not going to clean his house. i accused Him of using me to acquire my sweat equity in His home which i would never benefit from.

After an hour i got up and made us talk more. i had more things to add to the list and continued my demands against Ms. W. He got me to stop and agree to a bath which i asked Him to take with me, which He did. But i was upset by the fact that He got in and leaned His head back and closed His eyes when i wanted Him to look at me. i got out of the tub and crawled into bed, all wet. He picked up after me and got into bed and i forced His arm around me.

In the morning, He awoke, got up to use the bathroom, returned to bed and put His pillow over His face. This made me mad thinking He was doing this to avoid me. i got up, went downstairs, made coffee and sat on the couch. He came down and i wanted Him to sit on the couch with me with His coffee, but i never asked Him to, and got mad inside because He didn’t automatically do it. He worked on other things while i sat there and stewed. After about ten minutes i demanded that He take me to the airport NOW, despite my flight being that evening. i grabbed my bags and threw them into the car. i got into the passenger seat and fought with the seatbelt over and over and over. i got mad and left the car and stormed back into the house, despite Maximus telling me to calm down and the belt would release when the ignition was started. i repeated this three times, the last time kicking the drivers front tire several times before storming back into the house. i finally returned and got into the car and we drove to the airport.

i barraged Him with horrible things about Ms. W and Him the entire way. i told Him i was going to call her and tell her she was in the clear to be with Him and i was out of His life forever, etc. etc. It was horrendous.

I got out as the car was stopping at the curb, grabbed my bags out of the back of the car and stormed into the airport without looking back. When i was reaching the airline desk i heard Maximus call my name and turned. i thought He had come to take me back home, but He was bringing me my cell phone that i’d dropped in the car when i was pretending to call Ms. W during my tirade. i rabbed the phone out of His hand and turned to continue on to the airline desk, never looking back.

During the rage, i felt a huge release of pressure i’d pent up all during the flight and towncar ride. i remember getting this incredible endorphin rush at one moment in particular where i was doing the ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, it was like an out-of-body experience.

During the down cycles in between the rages, my mind raced and i schemed and concocted my arguments and proofs, planned the outlines of what i was going to say to prove my points.

At times during the raging, all i wanted was Maximus to explode back at me. He said several times that He was close and was working very hard not to do that because He did not want to experience that Himself. i remember really wanting Him to do that. i don’t know why, other than i wanted to feel the hurt of it. i think i thought it would shock me out of the cycle and make me stop.

How did the rage end?

The rage ended the night of the third day when i realized that i needed to do something to stop these rage events in order to save my relationship with Maximus and save my health and sanity. It was a crashing realization of just how bad i’d lost it.

How hard did you try to stay in control before or during the rage? What did you do to keep control? Did it work?

i worked hard on the plane and in the towncar to control my rage, but it was only because we were in public and i was waiting to get home. i wanted to have a calm discussion, initially, but i let my rage take over. i had bottled it up for hours and hours and it initially felt good to get all the pressure out, but i couldn’t stop it once it started and it accelerated.

Would you say that, during the rage, you were completely out of control, mostly in control,  completely in control? Would you call what you went through a near rage, partial rage, or total rage? Why?

i was completely out of control. i was, however, able to pause when we noticed someone outside the door. i went to the other room and waited quietly while Maximus spoke with the towncar driver who had locked himself out of his car, but started back up again after he’d left.

What happened to you after the sudden rage (for example, did you sleep for hours, get arrested, or did your partner leave you)? Described whatever happened.

i slept fitfully the first night between the rages. i fled, demanding Maximus take me to the airport early, in yet another continuation of the rage. i went immediately into bed but tossed and turned, could not sleep, was in and out of the bed, wrote Maximus a terse email, and finally went to the grocery store. i needed to eat as i’d only had a few bites of food the night before and nothing all day. i had two bites of cereal and couldn’t eat any more.

i had willed myself not to contact Maximus, but by late afternoon i lost self-control of that and called Him to have Him respond to my email. i tried to be calm but the conversation accelerated. In order to continue the conversation i lowered my voice and forced calm. At the end of the discussion of the email Maximus brought up the erection incident again and it set me off as He said i hadn’t ever apologized for that, which i had. This upset me because we’d had a lot of discussion about this in Las Vegas and i had apologized several times. i was angry that He had brought this up and upset the calm we’d finished the email discussion with. During our talk the phone was disconnected and i assumed He had hung up on me. i let it go.

i texted good night later and never heard back. i didn’t sleep all night.

i texted good morning on my way to work and never heard back. i was sick to my stomach.

i was distracted at work, but focused on my work in spurts to occupy my mind.

i called Him incessently until He demanded me to stop so He could work. He give me a specific time He would call me. i finally settled down after an hour. True to His word, we were able to talk at that time. He’d never received my texts.

Maximus never left me, i broke up with Him over and over and over again during this rage event.

How often do you experience sudden rages?

i had the first one in September when we were first a couple, after casual dating for six months without any episodes, another in December, one in late January, March, April, and now May, so accelerating from a few months to once a month and two this week. The trend is frightening us.

Are you taking any medications to help control your anger, emotions, or rages? If so, what are they? Do they help?

No i am not taking medications. i would like to do this without being medicated.

What else do you do to prevent or control your rages?

During a previous rage incident, I had tried to control my rage by removing myself from the situation and going to the car to breathe, but the person involved followed me out, making me feel chased down and trapped, and i ran, completely out of control of my rage.

Otherwise, i am not doing a good job at all controlling my rage. This is why i’m undergoing this assessment and counseling.

What else could you write that would help you describe and understand your rages?

During the rage i will flee, literally run away, or tell Maximus i am ending the relationship and my expectation at the time is that He will run after me to catch me and beg me not to go. This is irrational and i don’t know why that goes through my mind at the time.

All but one of these rages have been triggered by something to do with Ms. W. i have insecurities about her relationship with Maximus which causes mistrust. i need to get a handle on this to stop the rages.

i so want this to stop.

This all sounds so insane and crazy when i read the account of what i’ve done. It is humilating and i can’t believe Maximus is still here. If i ever needed any sign of His devotion, i would be a fool not to see it now. This is what i need to carry with me. This i should NEVER forget.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, communication, rage | Leave a comment

Rage

rage

So i’m working hard on trying to figure this all out. It’s beyond important to me. i realize it’s going to take at least a week before i can see a counselor, especially due to the holiday, and i really need to start working on this now.

i started searching the internet on anger after divorce, anger in new relationships after divorce, anger management, and even went through a free on-line anger management course. But while they had great information, they all focused on telling yourself to quit being angry, to take a time out, etc., and honestly, if i could have done that, i would have! i told myself to do that, Maximus told me to do that, i tried to do that, i did it and instantly came back into it after leaving the room, over and over.

i went to Amazon.com to find books i could read on my Kindle. And i found a book that seemed interesting and had great reviews by counselors, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Behavior by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW. PhD. For the first time, something is describing what i’m feeling. And it describes how telling yourself or having someone tell you to take a time out doesn’t work with raging.

Potter-Efron describes six types of rage, two of which are how quickly they develop, sudden or seething, and four that are reactions to threats, survival, impotent, shame, and abandonment. Things that make me more likely to rage are:

  • i have a history of emotional trauma that has left me feeling scared, vulnerable, and defensive.
  • i react very strongly to situations in which i feel abandoned, rejected, or betrayed.

My raging is sudden. Something triggers me and i fly into a rage.

Seven Steps to Stop Sudden Raging

  1. Be hopeful. Believe that you can learn how to stop raging. Do not give up on yourself.
  2. Make a commitment to work hard and long to contain your rage. No more denial, i have a big problem called rage. i admit it, i accept it and i need to do something right now about it. my goal is to stop every one of them. i will learn everything i can about  when, how, why, where, and with whom i rage. i can’t expect perfection but i can expect to make fairly rapid progress if i commit work on this.
  3. Take the time to identify your rage patterns.
  4. Look at past near-rage episodes to learn more about how i sometimes prevent myself from raging.
  5. Look at partial-rage episodes to learn more about how i stayed at least somewhat in control even during rage.
  6. Make a safety plan to lessen my risk, such as gathering a support system, getting anger management training. Now, here the author suggests medication therapy and the common problem of reluctance of people in taking medications. He believes many people do indeed have chemical imbalances in their brains that cause these…i would believe this for myself if i had this problem consistently throughout my life or in all areas of my life, but i don’t. i am choosing not to chemically alter myself.
  7. Work on long-term issues to make permanent changes in your sense of self and the world so that you feel secure with others good about yourself, sane, and healthy.

i also have a component of shame-based rage in that i am super-sensitive to criticism. i always have been sensitive to criticism and am my own worst critic as well. Generally, i have already beat myself up to a bloody pulp over something, so having someone else bring it up again is very difficult for me. i can usually deal with this without raging, due to a quote from my mom that has helped me my entire life:

“Criticism is proof that somebody cares.”

But i had a fairly recent episode with The Englishman and Maximus that dealt exclusively with shame-based rage, which i will address in another post specifically about this topic for me.

The largest component of my rage is Abandonment Rage due to feeling insecure in my relationship. This will be an area of intense study and work for me. i know i have this difficulty, i’ve shared it with Maximus, i need to learn how to manage it and trust Him.

i know i’ve posted a lot. It’s for me, not for anyone else. i need to write this down and i wish to be as transparent and bare with Maximus about my issues, what i’m learning, and what i’m doing about it. i am certain these are too painful for Him to read right now and maybe will be too painful for Him to ever read, but at least He has that option.

i can do this. Thank You for believing in me. You have no idea how much staying with me is helping.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling | Leave a comment

On the Couch

onthecouch

i’m feeling better today, still reeling, but not as emotional. Maximus and i have touched base and i’ve been working on finding counselors. The priorities for counselors include, kink-friendly, deal with anger management, and have ability or willingness to do couples counseling via Skype due to our distance relationship. i would prefer to find a counselor who works with my medial insurance program, but it is less of a priority.

The counselor who was interested in helping us in January wrote back that she would like to work with us, so i am waiting for her intake forms to fill out. my hope is that i can work with her one-on-one immediately and we can include Maximus in by Skype when He’s not in town, and include Him in the office when He is.

i have been thinking about things and want to write these things down to capture them to bring to the counselor:

  • i need to figure out how not to let things trigger me into these angry outbursts. Why does this happen? Why can’t i stop them? Even at the time i know i shouldn’t do it but i cannot seem to stop it or want to stop it. i am horrified to realize there seems to be an endorphin rush in this while it’s happening, that i feel a sense of release during this and gives me a momentary flush of relief, but the reality afterward is horrendous. It’s like i’m expelling a monster, but i’ve aimed it at the person i love the most.
  • This only occurs in my relationship with Maximus…it’s not occurring in any other part of my life, not professionally, not athletically, not socially, not with my family. But it’s not Maximus, it’s something inside me.
  • i need to resolve the stuff from my second marriage that hurt me so badly. Maximus is not OneGuy, yet i am attacking Him for all the insecurities i have from that marriage. My marriage to OneGuy was full of mistruths, secrets, financial dishonesty, emotional abuse–Maximus has done none of these things, yet i treat Him as if He has. How do i get past this?

After my divorce, i realized i had lost my soul, my self. i spent a great deal of time learning to love myself again. i went to group sessions, sacred spirituality, tantra events, all of which helped me recover my soul. i was in a great place! i came to a place where i was happy and joyful and totally recovered, about me. i had come to a conclusion, however, that i was done with relationships and was best to be in love with me and have a strong marriage to myself. i never expected Maximus.

When Maximus told me He had fallen in love with me and asked what i thought, i replied, “i’m terrified.” i told Him i was scared of having a relationship other than with myself, that i had never expected to be in love with someone else again. But i did love Him, and i told Him that. my deepest fear was that i hadn’t done anything to prepare myself for someone else, but i thought i’d be ok–i’m so clearly not.

  • i want to be able to trust again.
  • my period started today. i don’t want to think that these outbursts are hormonally related, i’ve always thought that was a crutch. Maybe i need to consider that. Is this age? my early 20s were fraught with dysmenorrhea and migraines, controlled by birth control pills to manage hormones.
  • i DON’T WANT TO BE MEDICATED.
  • Please tell me this is not who i am. i can’t be this way any more. It’s destroying me. i’ve lost all confidence in myself. i’m destroying my relationship with Maximus.

i’ll have more to add. These are just things right now. i want to be prepared when i meet the counselor. i so want this to stop.

 

 

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, fear | Leave a comment

Safe, Sound, Protected from Demons

dragonslayer

Today’s post is a response to another submissive journal prompt from Submissive Guide.

I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me. You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon. – Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract.

i love this quote! There are so many facets to it. i am going to break it down into each part and then also talk about it as a whole.

 

i am Your servant

Well isn’t this the core of being a submissive in a D/s relationship–serving? It is for me, at least. i get immense joy from serving Maximus, in all ways, not just sexually. It brings me great pleasure to do things for Him, support Him, care for Him. And it gives Him great pleasure as well, so i am actually pleased twice, pleased by the act and pleased by His response. Sexually, i absolutely adore being at His whim, letting Him use my body for His pleasure, performing acts that excite Him. It takes me to a state of bliss that i cannot describe, not necessarily subspace, but bliss, shear happiness and joy. Seeing His pleasure, hearing His ecstasy is a thrill beyond comparison.

Those outside of the BDSM realm, particularly other women, would probably be appalled at my submissive desire, my willingness and choice to be a servant to Maximus. But this is a conscious choice, not anything i have been forced or coerced into. We didn’t start our relationship as D/s, it wasn’t what brought us together, it was something we evolved into when we showed our authentic selves to each other. No one had ever seen through my tough exterior to see my truth, and i never allowed anyone to see it so fully before. And while i serve Him, i have not lost my soul, have not lost my self–this would devastate Maximus. i am still strong, still have my self.

Servitude something i need. Every other aspect of my life requires me to be dominant, i need this submission to stay in balance. i know this. My recent few weeks have illustrated this once again, as i act out and get emotionally imbalanced without this release.

i shall not be free

For me, this is not about a loss of freedom, this is about being bound. i recently broke up with Maximus, for a part of a day, mind you, and through that discovered that i cannot be free of Him. i broke up due to what i thought was a matter of principle, and while it really was, i just could not be broken apart from Him, despite that. The principle is a temporary thing, out of our hands and not worth the price of being broken from Maximus. As in Venus in Fur, we are “handcuffed at the heart,” and cannot be freed from those binds. This is the basis of GOT, that we are Growing Old Together. i cannot be free from Maximus–we are a part of each other and we carry each others hearts in our hearts (see i carry Your heart).

You will protect me; You will keep me safe; You will guard me.

As my Dom, Maximus is my ultimate protector. He knows my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses, my Achilles heels, and uses that knowledge not to sabotage me, but to protect me from them. i can trust Him completely in any situation or position because i know the object of His heart and soul is not to damage me, but to help me grow, push my limits, reach new heights, and discover things i would never have found on my own or without Him. My hard limits have changed, as well as my soft limits, and that’s all through the power of His protection and trust.

Beyond keeping me safe from my vulnerabilities, He also keeps me safe in any situation. i don’t walk on the street side of the sidewalk when i am with Maximus, He does, to protect me from traffic. We’ve changed workout plans based on my safety, not swimming in choppy Lake Sammamish which did not present a hazard to Him but caused Him concern for me. He’s made sure i’ve not driven home in the dark or when emotional. And beyond the physical dangers, He buffets emotional ones as well, as in the case of not attending the beach party where my ex-husband’s fuck friends would be attending, and, the more difficult, waiting until His divorce is completely final before coming out in the open about our relationship.

You will keep me sound; You will protect me from every demon

This is so true. There are times i just want to crawl into Maximus and melt, have Him hold me while i cry, to soothe me and restore a sense of sanity. More often than not, the demon is within me; the tapes i play in my head and the insecurities that go with them. That sounds so severe, but usually, its a matter of recharging, getting energy from Him. And it’s aftercare as well. i can go to the edges, i can go to subspace and get lost because Maximus will restore me, kiss my tears.

 

i love how succinctly these words sum up our entire contract. my place is to serve Maximus with my heart and soul, body and mind and receive His gifts of protection and safety. This is something i want to carry with me in those times i am feeling stressed and insecure, a mantra of sorts, to remind me of our goal–a lifetime together.

handcuffed hearts

 

 

Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, submissive journal prompts, The submissive Guide, Venus in Fur | Leave a comment

Balance

i’ve been thinking a lot about control and balance. From an outsider’s perspective, a BDSM relationship looks out of balance, someone relinquishing complete control to someone else, becoming powerless. But the fascinating thing, when done respectfully and correctly, is that a BDSM relationship is completely balanced, a partnership that celebrates communication, honor, respect, love, trust, adoration, giving and receiving, tenderness, honesty, and strength–things that people often complain losing in their relationships.

Most people would be absolutely shocked to learn i was in a D/s relationship. On the outside, my life appears all about power, strength, control, orderliness. i work in a non-traditional field for women, having not only broken a glass ceiling, but obliterating it. i am take-charge, focused, a leader of men, convert chaos into calm, hold high expectations for myself and others, and it has been said i have the biggest balls of anyone. my picture appears in the dictionary next to the phrase, “Type A.” i own my home, my car, and everything in my life was purchased by me. my finances, retirement, paperwork are all in perfect order and i support myself. i live in a “model home” (an attempted slam uttered by ex-husband #2 as i escorted him out of my home the final time) that is clean and orderly all the time. i push myself in the sport of triathlon, distance running, pushing myself through endurance events other people shake their head at.

But on the inside, my core, what most people fail to observe, is my desire to serve and please. All of the above traits and attributes are products of this desire. my career is all about serving others, 100%. i wrestle chaos so others can have calm and recovery, often jeopardizing my personal safety and sanity to do it. i lead others in a philosophy that the leader, the pinnacle of the org chart, is in the position to serve everyone in the organization so they have the tools and environment they need to be successful–i think the org chart is upside down. my worst fear is to fail someone, especially someone i care for or love. People see me as a perfectionist, but my truth is that i hate making a mistake and disappointing anyone.

i have to have order to relax, to dwell in my sanctuary of calm, to quiet my mind. But i hate telling people to clean and will exhaust myself achieving a clean and orderly environment. i get disappointed and frustrated having to tell someone else to pick up after themselves, something they should know to do–i don’t like to be the dominant one about this. This has been a problem in previous relationships, because i cannot relax, continuously clean and harbor feelings of discontent from this lack of balance. i have been accused of being “bossy,” had husbands call me by my job title in my own home, something which i find demeaning and infuriating, because being dominant in a relationship is not comfortable for me. This carried into financial matters as well, when i felt my spouse’s financial decisions, or lack thereof, put me and his family at risk. i need a strong, orderly partner so i can submit and be calm.

Then what is it about endurance sports? Triathlon is a sport of pushing limits, going beyond what your body or mind think is possible, pushing through pain and doubt, riding on endorphins. my race medals hang on a rack that says, “Never limit your challenges, Challenge your limits.” i think this holds absolutely true in BDSM.

For me, being submissive provides structure and order. i get a sense of peace not having to make decisions. i get to swim in pools of absolute adoration from Maximus, be cradled in His body, stroked, calmed. He helps me push my limits, revel in the rush of endorphins, and be under His sole protection. i get to please Him, oh how i get to please Him. In bondage, i am held in structure, able to relax into my surroundings. But i have not lost control–there is a balance. i can ask for what i want, although i may not get it right when i want; my pleasure is His pleasure as well, He just decides when and where. And i always have the ability to use a safeword.

We are not 24/7, but many of these things carryover in our relationship outside of BDSM. i trust Maximus implicitly and this is not relegated only to our BDSM relationship, it’s essential to our entire relationship. my desire to please Him does not shut off outside of BDSM, nor does my honor or respect. He owns my body and soul, but He honors my free will, respects my time, supports my endeavors.

i feel more in balance now than i have ever felt. i have had times where my career dominated every bit of my life–it was my job, my area of scholastic study, the source of all my friendships, was a career i shared with my spouse and therefore included much of our communication. i never felt so out of control and we lost our marriage. my second marriage was to a man who gave the appearance of strength, but it was artificial, positional, required me to be dominant and then was thrown back into my face. i gave all of myself without receiving adoration or honesty or respect. i lost my soul and it has taken years to recover it.

Loving BDSM is about balance. It is about trusting completely, sharing, and allowing someone to take you to new heights you didn’t know existed and couldn’t achieve alone–this stands true for the Dominant as well as the submissive. i love Maximus for seeing my truth, something no one else had the ability to find.

Categories: balance, BDSM, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub, Dominant, submissive | Leave a comment

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