24/7

Feeding the Dominant

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A few weeks ago i noted that Maximus eats a plate of almond butter for lunch, and well, i got into a little bit of hot water over that, as He reminded me that there is an apple on that plate along with the almond butter. The point was that Maximus tends not to fix Himself lunch if i am not around, despite there being loads of great food options for Him. i have always cooked for leftovers, its in my upbringing, and i always have food on hand that can be quickly assembled and/or heated up. However, it’s come to my attention that Maximus hasn’t recognized this, thus the almond butter (and apple), and i am the one eating the leftovers or freezing them for later to keep food from spoiling. i abhor throwing food away and i need to be mindful of our grocery budget.

So after some discussion about this, we have devised a plan to help Maximus have more options for lunches and snacks, which helps us go through the leftovers and prevents me from absolute boredom from eating the same lunch all week long. Maximus wants to know what there is to eat! We settled on a magnetic notepad that i can keep on the front of the refrigerator that has a running tally of what there is to eat and where to find it. So far, its working great! We’ve made it through all the leftovers this week without having to freeze anything, and things, like oranges, aren’t spoiling.

It just takes a tiny bit of prep on my part. i simply list things as the week goes and cross things out when they are gone. It helps me quickly see what needs replenishing too. i make sure everything is labeled and prepped (turns out He hates to peel oranges, so if i have a baggie of peeled oranges at the ready, He will devour them!). Things that i find easy to gather and prepare for lunches are not so handy for Him, but if i prep them and bag them up together, He will happily do it.

food

Case in point, Maximus loves Asian noodles, like soba or udon, in broth with vegetables. i found frozen soba noodles at the Asian market, with six individual serving packs of noodles to a package. i put a small package of frozen noodles and a couple handfuls of frozen Asian mixed veggies into a quart ziplock bag marked “Soba Noodles” in the freezer and have a big bag of homemade Asian broth i’ve frozen in ice cube trays. Maximus grabs a couple handfuls of broth cubes, brings them to a boil in a saucepan, and then adds the frozen noddles and veggies, and voilà! His favorite lunch in minutes!

Its so much healthier for Him and He finds that it gets Him out of His office and away from His computer for a little while, which is a really good thing.

But i’m not a total prude…there are still apples and almond butter…and Christmas cookies!

 

cookies

 

 

Categories: 24/7, Dom/sub, submissive housewife | Tags: | Leave a comment

A Dominant with a Heart

heart

i’ve not journaled for a few days as i’m trying to wrap my head around something. A week ago, Maximus went to the cardiologist for some chest pains that He’d not been telling me about. This was pretty upsetting to me as we do have a principle of “over-communication” in our contract, that applies to both of us, and He’d not mentioned a thing. i only found out when i overhead Him talking to the cardiologist on the phone the day before (i wasn’t eavesdropping, He was talking loud enough in His office that He could be heard in mine).

Maximus still didn’t really relay what was going on, said it was just a checkup and repeat stress echocardiogram, so i didn’t go to the appointment with Him. Mistake. The cardiologist was waiting in the wings to go over His echo and pulled Maximus in for an immediate consultation afterward. Turns out there were some changes from His last echo. He still went way over the maximum (that’s the competitive nature of Him), but things were different on the echo itself. Maximus left the cardiologist with an appointment for an exploratory cardiac catheterization and potential stent placement between Christmas and New Years, along with cardiac meds.

i heard about it over the cell phone while He was driving, in between lots of appointments. It was not a good conversation, i was confused, He was anxious and upset. He didn’t get home until 10 PM after planned Christmas shopping and dinners with His daughters, and we had a lot of conversation about what had been going on, what was happening, miscommunication, anxiety, etc. We’re better now, but it was a difficult day.

i’m so frustrated, though, and i know He is too. Maximus is in stellar shape, swims miles every day and eats healthy (He’s been consistently vegan for the past six months after His last stress echocardiogram, and Had been mostly vegan since i moved in two years ago). We thought we’d be able to keep His heart healthy with dietary changes, but it didn’t work. Everything i’ve read, every conference i’ve been to over the past eight years touts this as being the case. And it didn’t seem to work. And i don’t understand why. And i’ve heard about problems with stents clogging up and needing to be replaced. But i’m not an ass, i don’t want to not do something Maximus needs because i just don’t like it–if He needs it, He needs it. i just need to understand what is happening.

So i have questions for the cardiologist. i wasn’t there at His impromptu appointment and didn’t get to ask them. Fortunately the cardiologist understands and will do a phone consultation with Maximus and me a few days prior to the appointment.

Just have to be patient until after Christmas to ask them…

Categories: 24/7, cardiac, fear, relationship, vegan | Tags: | Leave a comment

Munch Better!

just-right

Maximus and i went to a new munch last night, actually more of a discussion group with a potluck, and it was PERFECT for us! It actually was a combined meeting of two different groups, one a Dominants-only group and the other a submissives-only group. These groups usually meet separately, but they joined up for a combined holiday potluck and then went to separate buildings for their respective discussion groups.

We both loved this group. First, it had the social mixer we were looking for, but second, and most importantly, we really identified with these groups and met some wonderful and helpful people. We have reached out to several people on FetLife and are making plans to meet with them and to go to the group meetings and other events.

It sparked some great discussion on the car ride afterward, which Maximus wanted to continue when we got home. Maximus actually asked that we have Happy Half at 10 PM to go over His thoughts. Maximus shared that with that night’s meeting He realized that He has not been as vigilant and Dominant as He should be and that i have really been asking for. He said that He could see that many of the issues we have had over the past years and recently have been due to His lack of clear direction and communication. It surprised Him because it is not like He is in business, which i have brought up on several occasions, in that He is very clear and decisive with work. And, that because He has relied on (instructed) me to do the primary research into D/s and BDSM, it really has done us a disservice–and i really have to agree with Him here. He recognizes that He really needs to do the Dominant work and that it has been unfair to expect me to fill Him in on the details.

To correct this, i have uploaded all the books i have downloaded and read onto His Kindle. He will read a book a month and we will discuss what He’s read during my training days and/or Happy Halfs. He will be enforcing our rules, which He has been remiss at doing. And He will be attending the Dominants group and working on developing a mentoring relationship with one of the other Doms at this group.

i am actually thrilled about this. It’s been uncomfortable for me to be the lead in the D/s research and development and i have felt it flipped our roles at times. And i have found myself feeling embarrassed some times when we are with other people and there is a mismatch between our (Maximus and me) knowledge levels. i really want the discipline from Him and sometimes i think i act out just to push–i’d rather not do that. So it was a wonderful experience and something we really needed.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, D/s, discipline, Dom/sub, munch, relationship needs | Tags: | Leave a comment

What do i do?

vintage-chores

Since i’ve retired and moved in with Maximus, the most common question i get is, “What do you do all day?” i retired young and people, vanilla and lifestyle alike, often ask if i’m going to go back to work. Honestly, i love being retired and work harder now than i ever did when i was employed in my professional occupation. my answer is always the same, “i am the COO (Chief Operating Officer) of Maximus,” to which they laugh and agree that it would be a full-time job! Nothing has ever described my role in our D/s better than COO. my job is to make Maximus’ life run smoothly and i take that extremely seriously.

Fortunately, i am a bit of a Renaissance woman and am very capable in a wide array of activities, from cooking and housekeeping, to home repair and landscaping. i have a background in home construction and other skills not traditional to women, which Maximus really appreciates. my weakest area would be in automotive and small engines, as i never really had an interest in that area.

So i take care of whatever needs taking care of around here. If it’s something i can do, i do it; if it’s beyond my capabilities, i contract someone else to do it. i am the contact for any and all contracted services we need, such as pest control, septic maintenance, annual furnace maintenance, etc). i listen very closely to Maximus and pick up on things He might mention as needing attention, even when He’s not realized He’s said anything, and He also asks me to take care of things that come up. i keep a prioritized running list of things needing attention and never have a wont for something to do. For example, last week i replaced the two sink faucets in our bathroom after the one at Maximus’ sink broke underneath and could not be repaired; replaced the kitchen faucet after Maximus noted the spray hose would not stay in the faucet anymore and it was irritating Him; removed wall cabinets in the garage and found a neighbor who wanted them, painted the exposed wall, installed shelving and hooks to hang our ladders and extra folding dining room chairs; went grocery, Christmas, and miscellaneous needs shopping; dropped off and picked up dry cleaning; winterized the yard and house; dealt with a utility service; cooked; cleaned; etc. That’s a pretty typical week and i love it! And so does Maximus.

i do ensure that the house is clean and tidy at all times–i’ve always been that way, it’s not anything new due to our D/s. i’ve always wanted to have a home where anyone could drop by at any time and not feel like i had to apologize for the state of the housekeeping. Granted, there are times where that can’t be avoided, like when we were in the midst of decorating for the holidays and there were boxes and piles of things in process of being installed or packed up, but for the general part, things are picked up and clean at all times. Maximus does do housekeeping tasks–He likes to do this as He’s just as OCD as i am about keeping the house clean and enjoys cleaning as a break from His daily work activities–so it’s not all on me. But i do a majority of the tasks and have learned not to be personally offended by Maximus’ cleaning activities, that is unless He’s having to do something that He’d asked me to and i’d not done–that’s a different story.

There are tasks that i do on a weekly schedule, much like the wash on Monday, iron on Tuesday, etc. vintage housekeeping guide:

  • Monday – Tidy up the garage. It gets cluttered. Our cars should always be able to park inside the garage. We have a utility trailer stored in one of the garage bays and Maximus likes to put large cardboard that doesn’t fit in the can in there as a holding location for our every-other-week recycling. i put out the garbage every Monday night and recycling every other Monday night for Tuesday morning pickup. Yard debris will commence next week, so putting that can out will be a weekly Monday night task.
  • Tuesday – Clean kitchen. This is the deep-cleaning, go through the refrigerator and toss old stuff, task. i’ll clean the oven if it’s needing it, take everything off the counters and clean, refill cleaning supplies, clean refrigerator shelves, wipe down cabinets, take inventory of pantry for shopping list. Bring in garbage cans.
  • Wednesday – Yard work, clean porch and patio. Go to the farm for our weekly Community Supported Agriculture (CSA) pickup, if in season. If it is CSA pickup season, i will go grocery shopping immediately afterward for rest of food needs.
  • Thursday – Dust entire house. Clean Showers.
  • Friday – Wash windows and dust sills and blinds. We have wooden slat blinds and after neglecting those in the condo until we were getting ready to rent it out and moving into the Lakehouse with slats that hadn’t been cleaned, i’ve started cleaning these on a weekly basis to avoid a huge job later.
  • Saturday – Yard work. Maximus’ ears.
  • Sunday – Wash bedding and remake bed with lavender linen spray (i make my own in a spray bottle with water and several drops of lavender oil–just shake prior to spraying so the oil mixes in the water evenly). Water houseplants.

i don’t have a schedule for sweeping, vacuuming, mopping the floors, laundry or CSA off-season grocery shopping as i do those on an as needed basis. i hate going grocery shopping when it’s crowded, however, and will resist going in the evenings or weekends as much as possible. i also make our own laundry detergent and make that when it is getting low so Maximus doesn’t encounter an empty container if He decides to run a load of laundry. Laundry is another task Maximus enjoys and we share that–however laundry is always put away immediately after folding and doesn’t sit out in the laundry room or bedroom. Dishes are done while i am cooking and immediately after we are finished eating as Maximus and i hate having dishes in the sink or on the counter. Maximus does the dinner dishes and i do my best to have just serving dishes for Him to do, having done all the dishes from preparing the meal myself (other than perhaps the pot or pan a casserole or soup cooked in) so He does not have a huge mess to clean because of me. And He generally puts clean dishes away from the dishwasher in the morning while He’s waiting for His coffee to perk.

At His request, Maximus makes His own coffee in the morning and then also makes tea for me. He gets up earlier than i do, goes out to get the newspaper, makes coffee and tea, reads the newspaper in the kitchen, brings my tea up to my nightstand, and then either goes to His office to work or heads out to the pool for His daily swim.

One thing i don’t do…clean toilets. It’s a hard limit for me!! i hated cleaning them when i was working (yes, we had to do our own janitorial) and i hate cleaning them at home. Maximus doesn’t mind cleaning toilets, so He does that. i clean the rest of the bathroom!

Other than domestic duties, i read, play the piano, exercise (run, Zumba, swim), manage our social calendar, research miscellaneous things for Maximus and myself, sew, visit friends and family, etc. And i do other enrichment/self-improvement activities that either Maximus or i come up with. Maximus has requested that i get formal training on wine, so i am enrolled in a beginners class at a local community college on wine tasting that covers wine types, grapes, varietals, wine-and-food pairing, buying, proper storing, and aging.

So that’s what i do!

Categories: 24/7, D/s, submissive housewife | Leave a comment

Happy Half

xmas-wine

i’ve mentioned Happy Half a lot, but don’t think i’ve ever explained it.

Happy Half appeared in our amended contract of April 2016, however, i believe it started prior to that, sometime between September 2014 and April 2016, just wasn’t codified until last April. It started after i became frustrated with Maximus’ work-life balance–well,  really, the lack of it. Maximus can easily work twenty hours a day, as long as He gets a swim in at some point. He won’t really eat, other than grabbing a banana, oatmeal, or a plate of almond butter (yes, i really did say a PLATE of almond butter) and He doesn’t have a quitting time being that He works from home when not traveling. There’s always work for Him to do and He can just get wrapped up in it and lose track of time.

That was fine when He was single, but when i moved in, it made it difficult for me to navigate things like dinner time. i could never figure out when to plan for dinner and i always felt like i was interrupting. We discussed that He needed work-life balance and find a way to end His work day when at home, both for His mental health and time for us together. He mentioned that when He was growing up, His father would come home from work, state, “Mother, bring me a drink,” and His parents would sit together in the formal living room and visit about their day. Maximus and His brother were not allowed in the living room during this time–it was adult time only. After His parents were done talking, His mom would put dinner on the table and it was family time. Maximus had really forgotten about this until we were talking about needing a transition time from work, but found the idea really attractive for us.

Maximus has always had a “No bras after 5:30PM” rule, even before we were D/s, and it’s one of my clothing rules. So He decided to incorporate the end of His work day with the no-bra rule. As Maximus can get completely immersed in His work and lose track of time, i am to knock on the office door at 5 PM and after He acknowledges me, inform Him of the time. He will then notify me whether the 5:30 Happy Half time will work or if He needs more time to complete whatever project He’s in the middle of. i inquire what He’d like to drink for Happy Half and/or may make recommendations/suggestions for Him to choose from.  And then i leave Him be.

i often work on dinner prep during this time. i also prepare our drinks, any hors d’oeuvres, and set up space for Happy Half. During the colder months, Happy Half is inside, generally in the Family Room. When weather permits, we have Happy Half outside either at the deck table or chaise lounges so we can enjoy the weather and scenery. Setting up the space just entails that the area is neat and tidy, coasters present, television is off, music may be on, wine decanted (if serving wine) or champagne chilled, and glasses set out, etc. If we are having cocktails, i will have things at the ready to mix at the kitchen island so i may serve fresh drinks when He leaves His office. If Happy Half will be indoors, i will often just wear an apron and stilettos, but if it is cold, i may wear nice clothing. If outdoors, i wear whatever clothing is appropriate for the weather (sans bra, of course!).

Maximus starts Happy Half with a toast to us. Then we catch up on our day. If it is a Monday, we may incorporate my training into Happy Half, unless training requires more time, in which case Maximus will schedule that earlier in the day. The goal of Happy Half is for Maximus to transition away from work and for us to reconnect. To avoid making dinnertime too late, it is meant to be thirty minutes, thus the name Happy Half rather than Happy Hour, but it can be extended as necessary, although it is always a minimum of thirty minutes.

Happy Half has been incredibly important for us. Not only does it set a quitting time for Maximus’ work day and allow me to plan for dinner, but it reconnects us and sets the intention for us to come together every evening. It gives me a time that i can bring up things i need to discuss with Maximus rather than interrupting Him during His work day. And it really reinforces our D/s every single day. And i love how it incorporates the 1950’s style into our relationship that i wrote about in Our M/s.

Categories: 24/7, BDSM relationship, Happy Half, relationship, submissive housewife, togetherness | 1 Comment

Utility sub

So not all of our D/s is sex…a lot of it is, in fact, utility.

When i moved in with Maximus two years ago, i asked if He would add me as an authorized person on the utility accounts, that way if something went wrong with telephone, internet, gas, water etc. while He was traveling i could deal with it. And it turned out to be a good thing, as problems did occur while He was gone every once and a while and i was able to fix them without bothering Him. This is a prime example of how i am COO in our CEO/COO D/s relationship.

We rented out our condo and moved into a beautiful lake house the end of this summer. i was tasked to handle the transition, which i took on happily. Maximus likes to brag that He did 0.4% of the move and that i only did 99.6%! It went smoothly and i accomplished my main goal which was to have Maximus unplug His computer at the hotel, come to the house, plug in His computer and be able to start working again without interruption. i handled the installation of new hardwood floors, utility stops and starts, landscaping, movers, packing and unpacking, arranging, etc. We moved in on a Saturday and had the house ready for overnight guests the following Friday and weekend!

The Pacific Northwest has been inundated with rain for the past three months–record rain–and it’s kept me from doing a bunch of stuff in the yard i want to do. We finally had a sunny morning two days ago and i was able to get out and get things winterized. With all the landscaping work, we’ve amassed a huge compost pile that is really just too big to deal with and is full of evergreen boughs, sod, rose bush trimmings which are near impossible to compost effectively. So i decided it was time to add yard debris to our garbage service so we can whittle this down over the winter when we don’t have grass clippings to deal with. i went into the house and got the last billing statements from Maximus’ file so i could call the company to change our service. To my surprise, i found we had an invoice dated that day with a huge credit on the condo and a past due notice on the house for garbage service! Maximus hadn’t said a thing about it–which He was under no obligation to do–but usually He asks me if there are discrepancies like this. When i got through to our service provider, they added the new service and checked our accounts, confirming that i did close our condo service and start house service in September, and that we had no credit or outstanding balance. Maximus had probably just taken care of whatever the problem was. Being that we’d traveled to Desire and work had been so hectic for Him before we left, i figured the mix up was due to that.

Maximus got home from three days of work travel that night and as i updated Him on everything i’d done while He was gone, i mentioned the garbage service invoices. He did not recall seeing them, the credit, or the past due notice, but did remember filing the invoices. He’d said He was just so distracted with work stuff (it’s open enrollment time and His company is finally switching to benefits packages of the parent company that bought His. He’s had to figure out and change EVERY benefit program He’s in and it’s been confusing, frustrating, and time-consuming).

So i offered to take this off His plate. i already deal with all the utility changes and set them all up for the new house. i had been watching the utility bills the first month or two when they started coming in because i wanted to confirm they were billing us as they said we were when i set things up after Maximus had a question about a huge cable bill we got.

“Why don’t i just take utility bills off Your plate, Sir?” i asked. Long pause…

“I’m handling that,” He replied.

“You’ve been so overwhelmed with everything with work. i already am the contact with our utility services and know what should be happening with our bills. i can simply log on to your banking and take care of them, and take care of any issues that arise.”

Uncomfortable silence from Maximus.

Per our contract, Maximus takes care of the finances other than my few bills. Per our contract, i come to Maximus every month, kneel in front of Him, and present a written request for a check to cover my expenses. i must perform whatever act He requests at that time in order to receive the check. i don’t have any problem with this and it’s worked fine, but since we’ve moved, my bank is further away, making depositing the check kind of a hassle, thus i often hold them until i have two or more checks to deposit and simply transfer money around to cover my bills.

“It could make things easier for You. Instead of having to write me a check to cover my expenses, i could pay those expenses directly from Your account when i go to deal with the utility bills. Less interruption in Your day and something off Your plate.” And i explained the issue with depositing the checks from Him.

“I’ll have to think about it,” He replied. And we went to sleep.

Last night during Happy Half, Maximus shared His trepidation over me paying the utility and my personal bills from His account. It triggered Him, and i hadn’t known. Turns out that JB, his second wife, approached Him to do this very thing and ended up taking large sums of money from Him and overspending His accounts before they got divorced. After thinking about it overnight and during the day, He determined, “This is a great thing! gabriella’s taking something off My plate, which is what i want and need her to do.” He realized that with everything on His plate He hadn’t changed the account number in His bill pay and had been paying on the closed garbage service account rather than the new one–and He missed the bills that should have caught His attention about it. And unlike with JB, we have a contract, intense trust, and would not have the issue He had before. And, we have separate banks, i added, i cannot easily transfer the money between the accounts between the two institutions.

But He had one request. “I really, really like to read the inserts in the utility bills…there’s good information in them a lot of the time.”

And i replied, “And i would really, really like to read those too! Right now, i never see them because You recycle them when You’re done reading them when paying the bills. How about i put the flyers on Your desk next to the bills i’ve marked as paid when i’m done paying them and ready for Your review and filing?”

Win-win!

“And will you pay the paper bill, too?”

Categories: 24/7, D/s, financial submission, relationship, submissive housewife, trust | Leave a comment

Munch!!

munch

Maximus and i have tried a couple times to go to munches, and we’ve always backed (chickened) out at the last minute…even twice sitting in the car watching people go inside and then deciding just not to go in. The first time was in a scary part of town, and we let that influence our decision as we didn’t want to leave our car unattended! The second time we watched a whole bunch of folks go inside and then come out and start chain-smoking in a big circle at the base of the stairs, and smoking is a big turn-off for us. Other times, we didn’t even get out of the house, finding excuses. But after Desire and talking to like-minded folks, we decided it was time to get our feet in the door, literally!!

Searching on Fetlife, i found a munch in our town, at a restaurant we like, even! The dress code was Daywear (no fetish please), and as Maximus has a clothing requirement for me i wore dark skinny jeans, a black V-neck blouse, my day collar (David Yurman chain necklace), and Michael Kors stiletto boots. Note, i’ve worn stilettos to this restaurant before, when Maximus and i met RunnerGirl and her husband for dinner before Maximus took me and RunnerGirl to go see Kinky Boots, and i slipped and fell on the slick floor, so i was a bit nervous about wearing stilettos there again–but i have a dress code to adhere to.

i’d done some reading about going to munches and most said if you were new to arrive at the beginning, not after itimg_1235 was underway, so you didn’t feel so conspicuous. So we went a little early and hit NO traffic, so arrived much too early. Fortunately this restaurant is at a shopping center so we did a little Christmas decoration shopping…and got covered in glitter….smooth. We weren’t sure where to go and the hostess was very occupied with a near-upset patron, so we waited patiently to be shown to the room the munch was held. There were about six people already there, all around one of four big tables, and they made room for us to sit. The hostess was in a deep conversation with a man who was showing pictures of women in ropework on his phone. It was really awkward, as she was to my right at the end of the table, the man was across from me, and Maximus to my left, so i felt trapped in their private conversation and unable to leave! The man’s partner was talking to another person at the other end of the table. Fortunately one of the waitstaff came and offered snacks and took our drink order. Eventually the hostess was able to break away from the conversation and say hello and we made our introductions to her.

The hostess shared that being the holiday season, she didn’t really have much of an agenda for this munch. She said we’d do introductions and then she’d just let it free flow. More people arrived and sat in a table behind us, so it was difficult to talk to them. Folks ordered food as they arrived so some people were eating, some were done, some were waiting for food. There were about a dozen of us in attendance.

At some point, the hostess started the group with introductions, to include, if you felt comfortable, your kink, orientation, what you’re here for/seeking, and to remember that the room did not have a door so don’t be very loud when talking and to stop if waitstaff were in the room as not to scare them. It was interesting to learn about people, there were all types there, but no other D/s couples. One man brought old swinger/BDSM want ad books from the 1980s that he’d found in some old paperwork and passed them around to see what it was like to use “analog-Fetlife” prior to computers! Before it was our turn, Maximus instructed me to do our introduction. i shared this was our first munch, that we’d been in the swinging lifestyle for years and years and had moved into BDSM four years ago. i continued that we were in a 24/7 D/s relationship, Maximus being Dominant, that i was bisexual and Maximus bi-comfortable (He’s ok that there might be touching or some male-male action happening around Him). i then shared that we had just returned from a swingers takeover in Mexico that had a large contingent of kink and that we were looking for like-minded others for a sense of community that we had built in the three years we had gone to that event. i had to stop several times for waitstaff to clear the room, so it felt a little disjointed. At some point one of the other guests made some comment aloud that i was speaking out of turn of my Dominant, doing our introductions, and i politely replied that Maximus had instructed me to do our introductions.

After everyone finished their introductions, it was just left to a free-for-all of conversations. The host and the man across from us asked about the takeover and i felt a bit of a rift between kink and swinging based upon their body language and inflection in their voices. When i described the name of the group, Life on the Swingset, the host cooed, “Oh isn’t that cuuute, like littles on swings…” i shared there were many kinksters there, no littles, but pets and ponies, to which the host and man seemed kinda bored with it. Then the host started heavily stroking my arm to demonstrate how swingers have no sense of consent, that they will touch you without asking permission–all while touching me without asking my permission! So i was pretty much done. Maximus was having a nice conversation with the man across the table who started showing Him pictures of women on his phone and they talked a lot about the Folsom Street Fair and our trip to Kink.com at the Armory in San Francisco, including the class we took in the Upper Room.

Not much happened after that. It was difficult to talk to people behind us and we felt talked out with the host and the man across the table. So, somehow reading my mind, Maximus turned to me and asked if i was ready to go, which i was. We said our thank you’s and headed out.

Was it terrible? No. Was it great? No. Did we feel like we found our people? No. Will we go back? Yes, i need to know whether this munch was normal for this group or not.

We talked a lot on the ride home. Why is it so hard to find our people, the like-minded kinky, swinging, educated, fun people like we have in our Life on the Swingset Desire Takeover, here, local? We dressed nice, like we would whenever meeting new people, but others at this munch did not, in fact, they appeared just above grungy to us. And we felt kind of welcome, but not completely, especially with the comments about a submissive making the introduction and non-consensual touching as an example of how swingers behave. As we were leaving, we suddenly got requests to look up certain Fetlife places and usernames, but i just couldn’t remember them by the time we got to the car with my head reeling.

This might not have been our group. That’s ok. We went, and as i mentioned above, we’ll give it another chance as maybe it was an off-night due to the holidays, like the hostess said. And we’ll check out other munches–perhaps there are groups with more like-minded folks. But the key is, we went, and we’ll go again.

In the meantime, we have signed up for some classes. The more we put ourselves out there, the more likely we are to find likeminded folks. And i’ve been spending more time looking for and contacting potential others on our swinger sites for meetups. We’re also going to check out a swinger’s club associated with a kink organization in our area. So, we’ll keep trying!

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, munch | 4 Comments

Not Poly

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i have a confession to make…Maximus and i went to Desire 2016 with the understanding that it was our last trip to Desire with the Life of the Swingset group. Yes, you read that right. But…we left Desire 2016 already booked for the 2017 trip with the Swingset.

So what was the deal? We are swingers, we are non-monogamous, we are kinky, but we are not polyamorous and at Desire 2015, we felt like the odd couple out. It seemed like there was such a big focus on polyamory that we started to feel like we were with the wrong crowd. And it wasn’t just a bunch of people we didn’t know or hang out with, we had friends, close friends actually, that started exploring poly after the 2015 trip.

And it squigged us out.

But we’d already booked the 2016 trip and we really like our friends, especially our poly-exploring friends!

Maximus and i talked about this dilemma quite a bit. What was our issue with poly? Was there an issue with poly?

First, we both view poly through a frame of infidelity. Both Maximus and i were unfaithful in previous relationships and Maximus had a previous spouse cheat and leave Him for this other person. We both understand the concept of poly, that it’s not cheating. And we both understand the comparison of polyamory to parental love, in that you can love more than one child, thus you can love more than one adult. In Maximus’ case, He and JB met another couple through a swinging website and all was great with the four of them as swinging friends. However, JB and the other husband fell in love and worked very hard to convince Maximus and the other wife (Ms. W) that it would be super fun if Maximus and Ms. W fell in love too–they could have a four-way relationship. But it was never called poly, never really was poly in that Maximus didn’t have feelings for Ms. W and it was just a ruse to distract Maximus and Ms. W from what was really going on. In my case, i cheated because i was lonely. My first husband, PiperC was professionally jealous and just plain stopped loving me because of it. i cheated to feel connected with people and to have sexual fun, but they were never poly relationships.

Second, we just see a lot of drama with poly relationships. When Maximus and i started seeing each other, we were fuck-buddies/travel-buddies. We lived three hours apart and had an understanding that we saw other people. We really weren’t dating, just friends with like interests (sex) and available to be a plus-one for anything, including travel. Ms. W was still in the picture as they were friends and Maximus carried a lot of (unsubstantiated, self-inflicted) guilt for her divorce, and was just one of many women He was FWB/FBs with. However, after a while, Ms. W became very possessive of Maximus once He and i took our relationship to the next level, and portrayed her relationship with Him as something it wasn’t when speaking to me or anyone else. Maximus was completely unaware this was happening and it caused a great deal of angst for us (as seen in posts in the beginning of our D/s relationship). So again, it wasn’t poly, but there was a component of three people and a lot of drama.

Unfortunately, we hear about/see the drama our new poly friends go through. And it’s heartbreaking for us. i am very empathetic, so seeing friends going through difficulties is hard for me. We’ve even had friends with situations similar to what Maximus went through with JB, in that two couples met, one husband and one wife liked each other and wanted the other husband and wife to like each other and all go poly in that configuration–but the other spouses weren’t into each other. It’s hard for Maximus to see that happen as it triggers some bad feelings. So we worry about our poly friends.

It’s not like we haven’t explored what polyamory is about. When i divorced OneGuy, i decided to figure myself out and explored all types of sexuality and relationships. Being that i had gotten into swinging with him, i wasn’t sure whether swinging was a me-thing or a we-thing. i had friends who were exploring tantra and i got involved in that, which got me exploring LoveTribe, and all different types of relationship avenues. i talked with, slept with, dated all kinds of people in different relationships, including polyamory, asked a lot of questions, and determined poly just wasn’t for me. Maximus and i even discussed poly when we first got together, having both just read The Ethical Slut and other books, but it just wasn’t our thing.

What brought this posting up was going through our D/s contract last week. Our contract outlines that we are primary relationships with one another, that we cannot be contracted as a Dominant/Domme or submissive to anyone else, although we can be in scenes with others in Dominant/submissive roles. Maximus stopped us at this point and wanted to discuss polyamory, wanting to make sure we were still on the same page about the topic as before. We talked about poly, about what it was, our feelings, and i just simply replied, “You fulfill all my needs–i just don’t need anyone else.”

And that’s where we are. We fulfill each others needs and we just don’t have any desires that aren’t met by the other. Furthermore, we endeavor to meet each others desires, whether it is something we can do ourselves or require assistance from others in doing. That is our joy.

So what changed with Desire 2016? We let poly be other people’s kink and didn’t let it bother us. We didn’t let ourselves worry about our friends in poly relationships–it’s there thing and it makes them happy, or not at times, but it’s their thing to deal with. We are here for them if they need a shoulder, but they understand we are here for support and not at all for direction. And we didn’t let it bother us that we were not poly amongst lots of poly people.

i did have a wonderful afternoon with a very special woman friend who is fairly new into a poly relationship situation with her spouse and another couple. She and i have always connected, both being s-types, and i feel very close with her. The following evening she pulled me aside to talk and she shared how special our afternoon together was and how connected she felt with me. It was such a wonderful moment, one i will always cherish. i wasn’t sure, however, what it all meant, being that she had started into polyamory. Maximus and i spoke about it and i decided i would just simply go talk with her about it. It was a great conversation and one we needed to have anyway, as Maximus and i needed to know how to navigate our relationship with her and her husband now that they were poly with another couple. She and i are connected but not in a polyamorous way–more of a soul sister, connected, loving way. It was great to have the clarity and not get squigged out by ambiguity.

Because we changed our perspective of the dynamics of this group we love, we will be back at Desire with the Life on the Swingset for years to come. i love this group!

YKINMKBYKIOK – Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Ok

Categories: 24/7, Ethical Slut, polyamory, relationship, relationship needs | Leave a comment

Training Day 15NOV16

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While we were at Desire, Maximus and i had a lot of discussion about how things were going with our D/s, including needs, wants, where we could improve, what needed changing, etc. It was a great conversation to have because we really had put D/s on the back burner while we dealt with issues regarding a huge neighborhood debacle, searching for a new place, renting out our condo, and then moving into our new home.

i wouldn’t say we stopped our D/s, as we continued our CEO/COO roles (especially as i worked the transition from one home to another), but the sexual/sensual aspect really slowed down, nearly to a halt. We continued to have Happy Half most days in order to catch up with each other and give Maximus a time to wind down, but my training stopped, we didn’t review the contract, Maximus didn’t reinforce rules when i failed to obey them, and we rarely had sex. Frankly, we were both emotionally beat from the neighborhood issues, even to the point where Maximus’ health was affected. At Maximus’ request, after He’d been given a clean bill of health and it was determined that His issues were stress-related, i found Him a kink-aware counselor to help Him manage the stress of the situation. She’s been magnificent! (By the way, here is where i have found kink-aware professionals when we’ve needed them from time to time: National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.)  So it suffices to say that we just didn’t have the capacity to really focus on D/s.

However, i will say, and Maximus is very upfront about this, we were able to stay together throughout an extremely stressful period that could have easily fractured most couples. Not only did we not come apart, we grew closer and stronger because of it. This was something new for both of us. i won’t say we didn’t have any conflict throughout this time, we did, and this is the area where i strayed from my rules, but it was nowhere near what it could have been and certainly was nowhere near any of the conflict we had at the beginning of our D/s relationship.

We both agreed that the first thing we needed to do was to review our contract, to make sure we had a solid foundation, and restart my training, to break the bad habits i had developed over the past year. Initially we planned contract review at Desire, but then felt there would be too many distractions and not enough private space for us to really focus on something so important. It was a good choice.

Maximus asked me to prepare a space for contract review to coincide with Happy Half (i’m not sure i’ve gone into detail about Happy Half other than a notation in a post about a prior contract review, so i’ll make sure to go into detail about this in a future entry). He also instructed me to prepare our bedroom for a scene after training was completed, including waterproofing our mattress, ensuring bed restraints were accessible, and assembling cuffs, spring links, spreader bars, clover nipple clamps, two Hitachi wands, img_1226gags, blindfold, crop, and lube. i happily went off to do this and returned to Him naked, wearing only my Christian Louboutin heels He bought for me in Paris, to let Him know the tasks had been completed. He’d initially planned to start our training in an hour an a half, but appearing naked, He immediately moved up our training time! (Note: One of the things that Maximus has requested since i moved in two years ago was that i spend as much time as practical being naked and clad in stilettos. But because we lived in a condo adjacent to a community pond and dealing with neighborhood issues, i was not comfortable in doing this. Our new home affords us much more privacy and upon returning from Desire, where we were naked most of the time, i have been more able to comply with Maximus’ direction). i prepared a bottle of champagne and two flutes, two copies of our contract, pens, and my collar, which Maximus secured upon the commencement of my training.

We had great discussion while reviewing our contract. First, we had to update our address! He commended me on remembering to address Him as Sir or Maximus, after He’d corrected me when i had failed to do so in a Tweet prior to our trip to Desire.

tweet-and-textWe discussed finding a community here like we have with the Swingset group at Desire and how to go about doing that. i was tasked with updating our Fetlife profiles and finding munches/classes to go to in order to meet like-minded others. And tasked with re-establishing contacts in swinging as well. We talked about the troubles we’d had in finding others in BDSM in the past (mostly trepidation on our part) and that we just needed to “get over ourselves” and do it. This led into going over how we play with others, my ownership and His dedication to me. i will not be given away as property to another Dom/me, rather loaned to serve/play in a scene as He is comfortable with at His will, with my ability to request; and that He will not take on other submissives or become submissive to another. And we had quite a discussion on polyamory, which i will discuss in another posting (we are not polyamorous).

Maximus was very pleased that i was spending more time naked while at home. We discussed the parameters of this and that i was to be naked as much as practical, that is, if i am working on projects that require me to go in and out of the house, have multiple errands during the day, guests scheduled, or doing something that it is safer to be clothed, i do not have to go in and out of a clothed state–i am to wear clothing as not to interfere with getting my tasks done in those cases. An apron, sexy lingerie, silky robe may be worn and while stilettos are His preferred choice of footwear for me, He understands that this can be an issue going up and down our hardwood stairs all day. His preference is that i am in stilettos for Happy Half when i am naked. And i was instructed to find a wrap-around dress that i can keep by the front door and quickly don should i need to answer the door, as it would not be appropriate for me to answer the door in a silky bathrobe.

We deferred going through my BDSM checklist until our next training as our review had already taken an hour and a half.

We then had our scene. Maximus led me upstairs and i knelt on my kneeling pillow. He applied my cuffs to my wrists, blindfolded me, inserted the ball gag and instructed me to tap my right hand on the bed for my safeword since i would not be able to speak. He then took me to standing, applied the clover nipple clamps, took off my shoes, and positioned me on my back on the bed. my wrists were secured to the bed restraint system, cuffs applied to my ankles, spreader bar secured and restrained spread eagle. Maximus cropped my breasts and clit, fingered me so i squirted over and over. He then brought the spreader bar holding my ankles up to my wrists and secured me, exposing my pussy. Unfortunately, i had squirmed up against the headboard, unbeknownst to Maximus and positioning me this way jammed my head to the side and into my chest, giving me a sensation of choking against my collar. i tried to overcome this feeling, but i had made a mistake in putting two Liberator blankets on the bed over the waterproof sheeting, velvet side up, and i’d gotten really warm because of it, which was causing me to overheat and feel suffocated. i had to tap out and while i tried to stay calm, i got a little anxious because i’d waited too long to safeword. Maximus did a wonderful job of getting my mouth and neck free of the gag ball and collar so i could communicate that i needed to be pulled away from the headboard. Maximus also discovered that my squirming had not only pushed me into the padded leather headboard, but that it had caused the tail end of my collar to come out and bind behind my neck, causing the collar to feel tighter.

i was upset that i’d had to safeword out. i really hate that as i fear that i am disappointing Maximus. And, i was really looking forward to the play while being restrained all-fours on the spreader bar. But Maximus was thrilled with the play we’d had, especially the copious amount of white cum i’d sprayed all over, which was dripping down the headboard!

i don’t know why i used the Liberator blankets over the plastic sheeting. Normally i put it under a fitted cotton bed sheet, which is so much cooler. Mistake from not having a scene for several months. But a great learning experience to apply in future scenes.

Maximus freed me from all the restraints and left the clover clamps to last. It is always excruciating to have those removed! Maximus allowed me to curl into Him as He removed the first one, causing me to scream. He loves to cup and squeeze my breast after He removes the clamps, which make it even more painful–but so, so good! The second one came off the same way. And i had such beautiful bite marks (that itched for days as they healed, a constant reminder of Him)!

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Categories: 24/7, BDSM contract, breast torture, Christian Louboutin Red Bottomed Shoes, D/s, nipple clamps, Spreader bar, training | Leave a comment

Training Day

training

This week i had my first training session since our break. Maximus has a binder of training materials, but i can’t share the references with you as Maximus has not shared the sources with me–specifically (probably because He knows i will work ahead and not at His intended pace).

Maximus collared me for our session and we sat in the living room for my training. There were several parts: List my strengths as a submissive; my weaknesses; my interpersonal skills; and miscellaneous issues.

my Strengths as a submissive

Maximus had me list my strengths (strengths as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red).

  • Organized
  • Educated (Masters degree)
  • Good upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Good cook
  • Homemaker
  • Self-confident
  • Have a serviceheart
  • Computer literate
  • Swinger
  • Love sex
  • Adventurous
  • Empathetic
  • Confidential
  • Respectful
  • Excellent upbringing in manners and etiquette
  • Excellent cook
  • Bisexual
  • Professional
  • Health-focused
  • Disciplined
  • Dedicated
  • Attractive
  • Feminine
  • Nontraditional skill sets (such as woodworking, construction, etc.)
  • Don’t hesitate or avoid tasks
  • Excellent listener
  • Strong
  • Forceful
  • Articulate
  • Artistic
  • Follow-through (timely)
  • Amazing writer
  • Anticipatory

my Weaknesses as a submissive

Then Maximus had me list my weaknesses (weaknesses as His submissive) and then He added what He felt i missed (His are listed in red). This was not as much fun to do as strengths!

  • Impatient
  • Stubborn
  • Hot-headed
  • Perfectionist
  • High expectations
  • Independent
  • Beat myself up
  • Tendency to deny oneself of the finer things as if undeserving

my Interpersonal Skills

These are the strengths and weaknesses i have in interacting with others.

Strengths:

  • Confident
  • Can communicate well
  • Public speaker
  • Friendly
  • Respect personal differences
  • Open
  • Funny
  • Non-judgmental

Weaknesses:

  • Introverted
  • Group situations exhaust me
  • Prefer a couple of really close friends rather than a bunch
  • Feeling i’m not good enough/pretty enough to approach/interact with some people

Miscellaneous Issues

Maximus instructed me to use my safewords (yellow and red) to indicate when i am struggling with a weakness during our interactions so that He clearly knows where my limits are during those times. i am required to do this to avoid raising my voice or getting angry with Him. i have done this a couple of times and it has been very helpful for us, particularly when i feel i have not been given a chance to answer His questions before He asks other ones or addresses His concerns prior to me answering.

i have gotten out of the habit of addressing Him as Sir. i need to do this when we are home and in private.

i need to learn that i do deserve the finer things. i am not to balk or question why when He gives me gifts. When instructed to purchase a specific item or service for myself, i am to do it unquestionably, with the vendor He has selected, unless we have had an agreement otherwise based upon value.

Over the past months i have refused sex at times. He allowed this when i was sick, but now that i am recovered, this must stop. i have a contractual obligation for sexual performance and must follow it.

Categories: 24/7, communication, discipline, Dom/sub, M/s, training | Leave a comment

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