Maximus and i have tried a couple times to go to munches, and we’ve always backed (chickened) out at the last minute…even twice sitting in the car watching people go inside and then deciding just not to go in. The first time was in a scary part of town, and we let that influence our decision as we didn’t want to leave our car unattended! The second time we watched a whole bunch of folks go inside and then come out and start chain-smoking in a big circle at the base of the stairs, and smoking is a big turn-off for us. Other times, we didn’t even get out of the house, finding excuses. But after Desire and talking to like-minded folks, we decided it was time to get our feet in the door, literally!!

Searching on Fetlife, i found a munch in our town, at a restaurant we like, even! The dress code was Daywear (no fetish please), and as Maximus has a clothing requirement for me i wore dark skinny jeans, a black V-neck blouse, my day collar (David Yurman chain necklace), and Michael Kors stiletto boots. Note, i’ve worn stilettos to this restaurant before, when Maximus and i met RunnerGirl and her husband for dinner before Maximus took me and RunnerGirl to go see Kinky Boots, and i slipped and fell on the slick floor, so i was a bit nervous about wearing stilettos there again–but i have a dress code to adhere to.

i’d done some reading about going to munches and most said if you were new to arrive at the beginning, not after itimg_1235 was underway, so you didn’t feel so conspicuous. So we went a little early and hit NO traffic, so arrived much too early. Fortunately this restaurant is at a shopping center so we did a little Christmas decoration shopping…and got covered in glitter….smooth. We weren’t sure where to go and the hostess was very occupied with a near-upset patron, so we waited patiently to be shown to the room the munch was held. There were about six people already there, all around one of four big tables, and they made room for us to sit. The hostess was in a deep conversation with a man who was showing pictures of women in ropework on his phone. It was really awkward, as she was to my right at the end of the table, the man was across from me, and Maximus to my left, so i felt trapped in their private conversation and unable to leave! The man’s partner was talking to another person at the other end of the table. Fortunately one of the waitstaff came and offered snacks and took our drink order. Eventually the hostess was able to break away from the conversation and say hello and we made our introductions to her.

The hostess shared that being the holiday season, she didn’t really have much of an agenda for this munch. She said we’d do introductions and then she’d just let it free flow. More people arrived and sat in a table behind us, so it was difficult to talk to them. Folks ordered food as they arrived so some people were eating, some were done, some were waiting for food. There were about a dozen of us in attendance.

At some point, the hostess started the group with introductions, to include, if you felt comfortable, your kink, orientation, what you’re here for/seeking, and to remember that the room did not have a door so don’t be very loud when talking and to stop if waitstaff were in the room as not to scare them. It was interesting to learn about people, there were all types there, but no other D/s couples. One man brought old swinger/BDSM want ad books from the 1980s that he’d found in some old paperwork and passed them around to see what it was like to use “analog-Fetlife” prior to computers! Before it was our turn, Maximus instructed me to do our introduction. i shared this was our first munch, that we’d been in the swinging lifestyle for years and years and had moved into BDSM four years ago. i continued that we were in a 24/7 D/s relationship, Maximus being Dominant, that i was bisexual and Maximus bi-comfortable (He’s ok that there might be touching or some male-male action happening around Him). i then shared that we had just returned from a swingers takeover in Mexico that had a large contingent of kink and that we were looking for like-minded others for a sense of community that we had built in the three years we had gone to that event. i had to stop several times for waitstaff to clear the room, so it felt a little disjointed. At some point one of the other guests made some comment aloud that i was speaking out of turn of my Dominant, doing our introductions, and i politely replied that Maximus had instructed me to do our introductions.

After everyone finished their introductions, it was just left to a free-for-all of conversations. The host and the man across from us asked about the takeover and i felt a bit of a rift between kink and swinging based upon their body language and inflection in their voices. When i described the name of the group, Life on the Swingset, the host cooed, “Oh isn’t that cuuute, like littles on swings…” i shared there were many kinksters there, no littles, but pets and ponies, to which the host and man seemed kinda bored with it. Then the host started heavily stroking my arm to demonstrate how swingers have no sense of consent, that they will touch you without asking permission–all while touching me without asking my permission! So i was pretty much done. Maximus was having a nice conversation with the man across the table who started showing Him pictures of women on his phone and they talked a lot about the Folsom Street Fair and our trip to at the Armory in San Francisco, including the class we took in the Upper Room.

Not much happened after that. It was difficult to talk to people behind us and we felt talked out with the host and the man across the table. So, somehow reading my mind, Maximus turned to me and asked if i was ready to go, which i was. We said our thank you’s and headed out.

Was it terrible? No. Was it great? No. Did we feel like we found our people? No. Will we go back? Yes, i need to know whether this munch was normal for this group or not.

We talked a lot on the ride home. Why is it so hard to find our people, the like-minded kinky, swinging, educated, fun people like we have in our Life on the Swingset Desire Takeover, here, local? We dressed nice, like we would whenever meeting new people, but others at this munch did not, in fact, they appeared just above grungy to us. And we felt kind of welcome, but not completely, especially with the comments about a submissive making the introduction and non-consensual touching as an example of how swingers behave. As we were leaving, we suddenly got requests to look up certain Fetlife places and usernames, but i just couldn’t remember them by the time we got to the car with my head reeling.

This might not have been our group. That’s ok. We went, and as i mentioned above, we’ll give it another chance as maybe it was an off-night due to the holidays, like the hostess said. And we’ll check out other munches–perhaps there are groups with more like-minded folks. But the key is, we went, and we’ll go again.

In the meantime, we have signed up for some classes. The more we put ourselves out there, the more likely we are to find likeminded folks. And i’ve been spending more time looking for and contacting potential others on our swinger sites for meetups. We’re also going to check out a swinger’s club associated with a kink organization in our area. So, we’ll keep trying!

Categories: 24/7, BDSM, munch | 4 Comments

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4 thoughts on “Munch!!

  1. Belle

    This gives me hope. Because of Doc’s erratic work schedule, we don’t get out to many events. Not sure where we fit in either, but we were so comfortable at the LOTS takeover.

    • Thank you, Belle. Seems many of us from the LOTS group are facing this similar situation. But we’re holding out hope that there are others like us in our local area and going to just keep looking for them.

  2. Oh, wow, this really illustrates some of the common issues in the kink community. Denigrating swingers, being overly familiar, being condescending towards newcomers, It’s behaviors like this that have made me less active. I’ve been to many, many munches over 17 years, and have seen things like this more often than I would care to. It’s clueless and self-absorbed kinksters that drive away thoughtful, considerate folks like yourself. There are better munches out there, so I hope you find one if you still want to.

    • Oh, thank you for your note! It was disappointing to feel a rift between swinging and kink.

      But, it didn’t turn us off to munches completely. It may have been an off-night or it might not be the right group for us. We have another one near us that we’ll check out in a couple of weeks.

      And, we will be checking out some classes and BDSM-theme nights at a local swing club.

      It’s all good. Not so different from the swinger-world, really. We’d gone to swinger parties where we didn’t mesh with the group, too. Just group dynamics and finding the right mix.

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