Maximus was traveling home Sunday from the East coast, so we did my training Monday.
First, He wanted to share with me how proud of me He was, for the dates with RunnerGirl and for going to the lifestyle party. It has made Him very happy that i am venturing back in the swinging world, as i was active as a single female before our relationship. That being said, He does understand that i am not comfortable with initiating swinger relationships with single males at this time and not sure i will go back to that, for a variety of reasons. i don’t feel i have the same “safety net” network here as i did in Portland, i.e. swinger friends to check in with during dates with single men, and Maximus travels so much that He would probably be far away, unable to help me should i needed it. And since Maximus travels so much, i fear that single men might try to take advantage of His absence, something i’m just not willing to deal with right now. It isn’t so much that i fear i would go astray on Maximus, as His previous wife, JB, did, that’s not the issue, it’s having a single man try to push into that space and dealing with the drama that causes.
Second, Maximus shared that He really missed me this past week while He was gone. Even though we were in contact a lot via text and phone calls, He missed my presence, my skin. It wasn’t because i was with RunnerGirl, it wasn’t jealously, he just realized how much He loves to be together. He added,
This is the most important relationship I have and I do not take it lightly.
He was also amazed about how different our relationship is than between SwimmerGuy and his wife, it really struck Him. He noticed that SwimmerGuy wasn’t calling his wife or family in the evenings and actually asked him if he was going to call them (and he did after Maximus inquired). One evening, Maximus was perusing the Nordstrom website looking for things for me when SwimmerGuy asked what He was doing. Maximus replied, “I’m ordering clothes and shoes for gabriella. Don’t you do that for your wife?” SwimmerGuy said he had never done that, to which Maximus suggested he try it. SwimmerGuy ended up ordering several items for his wife (after a phone call to determine her sizes). Maximus often (not every time) hides love notes throughout the house when He leaves for business trips, something He picked up after being at SwimmerGuy’s house a few years ago and seeing Post-It Notes from SwimmerGuy to his wife. Maximus thought this was a wonderful gesture that He wanted to emulate–turns out that this was a one time thing from SwimmerGuy, not a habit. It shocked Maximus that He had a picture of SwimmerGuy’s relationship based upon those love notes and made some assumptions about their “perfect marriage” that were incorrect. Not saying that their marriage is in any sort of trouble, but Maximus had always seen it differently than it really is. He takes a lot of pride in our relationship, our communication, and how our dynamic has built such strength and closeness.
Third, Maximus wanted to review what we had discussed last week, my strengths/weaknesses and interpersonal skills. In particular, He wanted to delve more into why i have the tendency to deny myself the finer things as if i’m undeserving. “What is the reason?” He asked.
i really don’t know why i have that tendency. Apart from a chemistry set i begged my parents for Christmas year after year, i was never wanting as a child. my parents didn’t deny us things we wanted, although we had to wait for when we could afford some things, but that isn’t something out of the ordinary for anyone. However, i did relate a story from when i was a teen. When i was 15, the father of some children i had babysat was driving me home and had complimented me on something. i apparently had denied it or put myself down or something of that sort, because i can clearly remember him telling me, “you need to learn how to take a compliment. Say thank you.” It’s not that i don’t feel deserving, it’s not that i don’t know i am talented and have made great achievements, it’s that i think i need to be modest and not boastful, so i tend to poo-poo compliments. Gifts from Maximus are compliments and i guess i get a bit modest about them, maybe in a way to show that i don’t hold Him to an expectation for them. But also, in terms of gifts, He tends to buy things i would NEVER had bought for myself–exclusive, expensive things that i wouldn’t have even saved money for to buy for myself. Yes, i need a purse…i would buy one on sale, a knock-off. Yes, i need a car, but i would’ve purchased a mid-range SUV, not a luxury SUV. They are beyond what i need or desire–i appreciate them, but i feel badly that He spent so much on something i wouldn’t have bought myself.
The conundrum is, that when we studied The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, which i wrote about in Translation!! and Our Book Club in 2013, Receiving Gifts is the primary way i feel loved. However, for me, it is as simple as a love note left in the apple crisper in the refrigerator when He goes away on a business trip or the Barcelona brand chocolate bar He got for me because it made Him think of our plans to visit that city in the Fall. But i need to learn to take the compliment and just say thank you, not put myself down. Maximus recently purchased a pair of very expensive shoes for me as a thank you for helping Him write a nomination for a very prestigious award for one of His staff–well, they weren’t just expensive, they were couture, rare, something i might have marveled at a picture of in a magazine, but never, ever would have in my wildest dreams ever considered owning. It was difficult for me to accept as it seemed to me an extravagant gift for something very simple for me to do that took very little time. But, what i don’t realize, is that while it was simple for me to do, it was a huge task for Him, and my work took His words and made it “spectacular” (in His words). To Him, the values match.
Maximus added, “Just say thank you. you always say ‘thank you’ when I take you out for a meal–you always have, even when we were first friends. I’ve always thought that was strange, that you thank me for taking you out, especially now when it’s our money, not just Mine.”
“For me, growing up, going out to dinner was a special thing, so we always said thank you for the meal,” i replied. “i appreciate being taken out. It’s a special thing for me.”
“Giving you a gift is a special thing for me. Just say thank you.”
i was looking forward to training today as i wanted to share something with Maximus, something i learned from last week’s training and applied. During our discussion of my interpersonal skills, i identified the feeling that i’m not pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough to approach some people as a weakness of mine. i know this keeps me from meeting people and that i needed to work on this. i had a success story to share with Maximus!
When RunnerGirl and i arrived at the lifestyle party last weekend, there was a very nice, upscale, good-looking couple right behind us. They were a couple i would normally shy away from talking to because the female half, quite frankly, is gorgeous, great body, etc. and would hope Maximus would approach them, if He were with me, or just shy away from and wish later i had talked to, had i been solo. i ran into them a little later at the party and decided i was going to get over myself and talk to them. Well we hit it off! We actually talked a few more times and ended up exchanging profile names for one of our mutual swinger sites. The following morning i looked them up and sent them a quick note to let them know it was nice chatting with them and asked them to let us know if they might be interested in meeting Maximus and me for drinks sometime to get to know each other better. Well they replied, yes, that they had enjoyed meeting me and were very much interested. They even invited us to meet them at an upcoming lifestyle party. Lesson learned for me.
Maximus shared His Big Three when it comes to women:
“gabriella, you have all three,” stated Maximus.”i wouldn’t be with you if you didn’t have those three attributes. you have nothing to feel inferior about with anybody.”
Maximus was very pleased with how i had applied my training and asked that i continue to work on this. He asked that i continue to bring Him more examples of how i have ventured out of my comfort zone.
So there wasn’t any new training this week, as we spent a lot of time on the review. It was important as i really did take last week’s training to heart and worked on the things He’d gone over with me. i am excited for new challenges!