Insecurity

Her insecurities drown her;

rip and tear her apart.

It’s all in her mind,

if she only saw herself

the way that He does.

~unknown

Maximus and i are in Vegas as He has a convention. We’ve been looking forward to this as M&S decided to come to Vegas as well to share our trip and we hope to see our good friends Italian Stallion and Sparkle, who we met at Desire last year. The trip out was great, we had some good discussion on my M/s research and one of the books Maximus is reading. We’ve talked about some changes to our contract to reflect our M/s and separate out some things currently in it into rules and protocols, as well as some existing expectations of His that should be documented as rules and protocols.

Last night the plan was to have dinner with M&S and some people who we had thought were friends of their’s from Vegas and then go to their suite for playtime afterward. Turns out it was just us for dinner, which was fine. We had a wonderful dinner at Bouchon. i asked about their friends and S told us that they’d never met them, but that M had been corresponding with them for a bit online and by text. She said she was very excited to meet them and showed me a picture of a man with a gorgeous body. i asked to see a picture of the female half but she didn’t have one. She then added, “Well, the biggest reason I’m excited to see him is that he’s bringing pot,” which i misheard at first as he’s freaking hot until she repeated it. Maximus and i do not imbibe. We don’t have problems that other people do, that’s their choice, but Maximus cannot be around it due to possible random drug testing for His work, and M&S know this.

We went to M&S’s suite after dinner, which is beautiful and has a panoramic view of the strip and dead-on view of the giant High Roller ferris wheel. It was there that we learned a single female was coming over–someone they’d never met before. That surprised us and they really didn’t have much information on her. They told us literally five minutes before she arrived. We kept turning on lights in the suite so we would be able to visit with this girl and see her, but oddly M kept turning them all off, which was kind of disturbing to me. She arrived in the dark, really couldn’t see her, and we started to chat with her a bit. Turns out, she really wasn’t a swinger, this was her first time meeting a random couple, just has sex with lots of people–which surprised S as she’d had the impression from M that she was an experienced swinger from the online conversations he’d had with her. i wasn’t really impressed or comfortable with the situation, so i took Maximus into the other room and told Him that i really wasn’t feeling it, didn’t want to play, and really would like to head back to our hotel. He replied that He felt the same way.

Shortly thereafter, M announced that there had been enough talking and it was time to play. i looked at Maximus and said to the group that i really wasn’t feeling it. M&S said that was ok, we could just watch, as they were taking this women into the other room to play. Maximus got up and followed them in, saying He was going to watch. S came back out and sat with me and said she wasn’t really feeling it either. Soon, we heard the woman moaning and the sounds of squirting, which is Maximus’ thing, and the woman called out for S to come into the room. We both did and found Maximus finger fucking her. Well i was upset by this, as He told me He didn’t want to play with her and was going into the room to simply watch M play with her before we left. i gave Him a tug on the back of His shirt and whispered to Him that i needed to go. He knew i was mad.

We said our goodbyes and left. i was upset, didn’t want to talk to Maximus about it in the hall, elevator, cab, and by the time we got back to our hotel, didn’t want to ride in the elevator with Him and really wanted to go home. i felt He had betrayed my trust.

In the room, we decided to talk about it. i told Him that i didn’t feel like i could trust Him because of the situation that had just happened. He told me He was going into watch, wasn’t going to have sex, and that we were going to leave–but He didn’t do that. i had been very clear with my feelings and He had been clear in His response agreeing to that plan. i was calm, didn’t yell, but i told Him i wanted to go home, He could stay, and that i felt because of this lack of trust i couldn’t continue in M/s or our relationship.

Maximus started to respond by explaining what He had done and i stopped Him and asked that He use the Imago dialogue process that we are contractually bound to use in times of disagreement. i said that His explaining sounded like justification and we needed to use Imago as our contract required, and so i would not get angry. He did and communicated that He absolutely went against what He told me He was going to do, that He had betrayed my trust, understood that it felt like He had lied to me and how that would make me feel, and that He had prioritized not making M&S feel uncomfortable over my feelings, and apologized. He said it was a mistake and it made Him feel horrible. He also didn’t want me to leave Vegas, M/s, or our relationship, which i agreed not to do.

i was emotionally drained and after we finished that dialogue i shared with Maximus some feelings i was having, insecurities. Like i briefly mentioned in my last entry, i’ve gained weight after my hysterectomy and despite exercising and continuing my vegan diet, cannot lose weight, while Maximus’ clothes are falling off of Him. My running has become so difficult and exhausting that i cannot do it anymore. i am embarrassed by how i look, frustrated i cannot seem to fix it, disappointed in myself, don’t feel sexy, and getting quite insecure about it. His actions to pull back over the past year has compounded my lack of sexiness, to the point that i have lost interest in swinging, our swinger sites, etc. i communicated i was fearful about going to Desire next week because of it. However, i didn’t want to make a decision about canceling that trip while i was upset, emotional, and tired.

Maximus assured me how sexy He finds me and understood how pulling back compounded the situation. He promised to correct that. He agreed to talk about Desire later. We went to bed and i was still emotionally upset. Maximus got physically sick a couple of hours later, something i’ve never seen with Him before. i don’t know if it was our discussion or food. But by morning He was better and we had sex.

We had a late breakfast this morning with M&S. Prior to me arriving, Maximus talked to them about the prior evening. Turns out, they asked the woman to leave about twenty minutes after we left, as it was not working out, and the other couple never even showed up. It was a bust. Maximus explained that we (it’s primarily me) really prefer to spend a little bit of time getting to know people, or that they really know the people before we start fucking them, and last night just didn’t accommodate that for us. They totally understood. This evening should be better for that.

Maximus and i talked alone after breakfast and i told Him that i was feeling better. i shared that i need to get over this insecurity about my body because it is going to ruin me and my sexual feelings. i feel that my hormonal imbalance is not only affecting my physical body, but it is really messing with my thoughts and impressions of myself. He asked if that was why i had gotten upset about His actions with the woman the night before, and i said no, that was a trust issue about being told one thing and having Him do the complete opposite. i shared that i felt our M/s may be helpful in supporting my steps to regain my sexy security and He agreed. i also told Him that i wanted to keep our Desire trip as planned.

i feel badly that we had this hiccup. He was very appreciative that we did not have a fight last night, as would have happened even a few months ago, rather, we had a discussion without yelling and i/we stuck to our contract accordingly. i feel badly that i got upset at Him and don’t feel like a good sub because of it. However, i know that Maximus is human, and that human Masters make mistakes sometimes and i forgive Him for it. So despite our hiccups and my insecurity, i think we’re on the right path with our M/s, certainly are growing and interacting better when we comply with our contract and rules contained in it. i trust in Him and in our agreement. i will trust in how He sees me and grow from that.