It’s been a hard year for me, maybe not hard/difficult, but a disappointing struggle. But it wasn’t about Maximus, not about our relationship, not about me retiring and moving in with Him into a 24/7 M/s situation, but with my body. i’ve just never recovered from getting the uterine fibroids and hysterectomy to remove them–my body never came back, despite trying to force it back into shape, both physically and endurance-wise. i was afraid to admit it, but finally a few months ago i resigned to the fact that something was wrong with me. Long story short (will be another journal entry), after seeing several doctors, i have a poorly functioning thyroid gland, barely functioning adrenal glands, and a previously unknown genetic predisposition (due to two mutations) for this. i’m not lazy or crazy! i am starting the path to recovery, and hopeful things will improve over the next few months.
my health didn’t just impact me, however. Maximus has struggled on how to help, what to say or not say, whether to hold us to our M/s or not. He finally decided to just let the M/s go for a while, including BDSM play and vanilla sex. Unfortunately, i was not aware of this and only felt Him pulling away. This only made me feel worse, thinking that He was not desiring me. i finally asked why He wasn’t interested in me and we talked about what was going on. i had just come to the conclusion that i needed to see a specialist about my health, so we had a very frank and open conversation about everything.
What we really want, both of us, is to get back into our M/s. Really, we’ve not strayed too far out of it, i’ve operated on the assumption of service, it’s just that Maximus did not feel comfortable with me in my state to be very forceful or strict about my training. There were many days i just didn’t feel well and my attitude reflected that, which Maximus didn’t deal with. Right or wrong, it’s what happened.
Last week we reviewed our contract, which prompted a lot of great discussions. One thing that came up was the question, “Who are we?” We both want M/s, my serviceheart desires that, but Maximus just is not comfortable with the aspect of physical discipline we tend to see and read about with M/s relationships (don’t get me wrong, Maximus loves physical BDSM, but physically punishing me for something i have done incorrectly or for discipline in my service is not the leader He is. It caused us concern that perhaps we weren’t doing it right or perhaps it’s not what we really mean when we say M/s. So Maximus has tasked me with researching M/s relationships to investigate how we fit into it, what we need to do, contract adjustments, protocols, etc.
So far, the research has been fascinating! i’m re-reading things i/we read in the past when we were preparing for my move up and our 24/7 M/s, and i’ve found some other things that are very insightful and helpful. i will be journalling about this as we go through this process to re-establish our M/s.