Maximus and i got a little off track the last few months. It wasn’t intentional, it just kinda crept up on us due to my illness, inability to have sex for several months, stress of what to do about the future, etc. The D/s component just faded. Sex became really vanilla, no toys, no scenes. And by vanilla, i mean occurred primarily at night when we went to bed or in the morning when we work up and consisted of Maximus rolling over on top of me, putting His cock inside, quickly fucking me, and we were done. i wasn’t aroused, it wasn’t enjoyable, and i even started requesting not to have sex, which i had never done…and is not even allowed in our contract.
But we weren’t following our contract in other aspects either. Our D/s isn’t just about sex, it encompasses all aspects of our life. i was getting very unhappy with this but didn’t know how to bring it up, or really just didn’t want to, i guess…until life made sure we did.
Maximus had been traveling and during a call said He had some things to talk about, something about our swinging sites and something funny. He started in about our swinging sites and i just listened. After about 15 minutes, it was apparent to me that He was dissatisfied with our (lack of) swinging but not coming right out and saying it forthright. i was getting the impression that He was fishing to play separately and i was really concerned that He already had, something that we had agreed not to do and had amended in our contract. i asked Him about this and He replied, “Well, it does say in our contract that I can, so I see no problem in going to [the club] on my own.” Well i was horrified! i knew this was not the case, that it was not in our contract. And furthermore, i was devastated that He had not displayed any interest in playing with me in our pre-hysterectomy manner and now was looking for playmates at the club instead! i had told Him He was free to do that, play separately, but that i was not able to be in a relationship like that–it was His decision. i wasn’t ending the relationship, but i really could not continue like that and was putting the decision in His hands, willingly. i ended up telling Him i needed to get off the phone because i was too upset to talk civilly.
i went to my computer and found our last amended contract (from August 2013!) that struck out the clause about playing separately and found that we’d not finallized or signed it (WTF!) . And i went back through the blog to see when we had discussed not playing separately and what we’d agreed upon, finding it documented in Wounded Birds, Don’t be a Douche, Playing Together, and Red Bottoms. i re-emailed Him the contract and the link to my journal blog post with some terse words that “if we’re going to talk about the contract, i would appreciate if You’d use the latest version rather than an old one” and that He should refer to our discussion and agreement from August about not playing separate that i’d documented in the blog.
What made me the most upset was that i suddenly felt like i couldn’t trust Him, couldn’t trust that He would remember our conversations and agreements and just go with whatever He felt like doing. i felt He was playing a game, using an old contract as an advantage to get what He wanted instead of going with what we’d agreed upon. And it wasn’t just that we’d agreed upon it, i had taken the wording about playing separately out of our swinging profiles and hidden our individual profiles as He had requested i do after we’d make that decision–i knew He knew we’d made that decision!
Maximus was traveling and i was working and weren’t going to be together alone for over a week to be able to discuss this. What was worse, is that during that week we were going to be together, we’d be with my mother for a family weekend. i just couldn’t tolerate having that hanging over us. So we ended up talking for hours over the phone while i was working the next evening and sorted things out.
He said He was thinking about playing separately and got the contract out to check if that was ok and found, in the contract He had filed, that it was ok. He thought we had agreed otherwise, but couldn’t find any contract stating that and didn’t think about looking through my journal. We agreed that we needed to go through the last amendment, see if we had changes to make, as it seemed there were issues, and agreed to do that the next time we were alone together. He also agreed to not play separately as it was clear we had decided months ago not to do that.
i brought up my concern that He was wanting to swing with others rather than have sex with me. i described my dissatisfaction on how things had been going sexually and we ended up with a very good discussion. He had been worried about hurting me, physically, after my surgery, so sex kind of waned, even when i was released to have intercourse. We’d gone to a swinger party two weeks after my release and it was just too intense for me, which led us to leave the party–this put the brakes on for Him. Me, feeling the brakes, made me feel not sexy or desirable, and the radical change in our sex led to loss of arousal. Self-perpetuating problem. Even while we were in Hawaii, despite bringing all our toys, we still had this vanilla sex, until the last day when i requested He do a scene. i was very aroused and the scene went great, but we reverted back afterward. Maximus understood. i shared it was wonderful to be taken, to have Him roll over and fuck me, and was His right as my Dom; but if this is the only thing we do, it just doesn’t work for me, i don’t feel cherished or appreciated, and don’t get aroused.
i also shared that i would have appreciated if He had initiated a dialogue with me about these issues rather than start in on them and dump them on me all at once. i really did feel dumped on. He said He’d thought about that, but thought it wasn’t necessary, but now realizes it was.
We felt like we’d communicated a lot, i felt trust come back. We had our weekend with my mom and things were okay. The next weekend Maximus came down. i requested He come so we could have some alone time together and work on our contract, reconnect, etc. Soon after we were together, Maximus started sharing about a podcast He’d been listening to on His way down, Communication is Lubrication: Scripts For Your Sex Life, by Sex with Emily. He shared that He’d learned about the importance of lube for women. i stopped Him and asked Him why it took a podcaster talking about this to get Him to realize this when His ex, J, had told Him over and over “spit isn’t lube,” we’ve talked about it, and i’ve requested lube. i felt slighted, again, “why is He not listening to what we talk about?” i thought.
It turned into a battle. He needed to work on work stuff, all day and we only had less than two days together. i didn’t feel like a priority, was disappointed that our weekend to get together to talk and sort things out was going to be taken over by Him working. i said, “You might as well have not come down if You’re just going to work all the first day.” Well this made Him upset that i was “kicking Him out again,” which i wasn’t, i was just making a point that if He didn’t have time to spend than maybe we should’ve found a different time, as i had made time for us. He started packing and we were both angry. Finally i got Him to understand i was not kicking Him out. We agreed to table the discussion for a few hours so He could finish some work and then we would talk.
His work actually only took 30 minutes. And then we sat down and went over the amended contract we’d never finalized months ago. i started reading it aloud, line by line, and lo and behold, all the things we felt needed to be added or changed in the contract were already that way in the amended contract!! It had been so long since we’d gone over the contract together that we’d forgotten what was in there and what our agreements were. It is embarrassing to admit.
During our discussion, we realized that we have a great contract, it says everything we need, we just need to get back to living it. While i would never tell Maximus, because it’s not my place, even though i wanted to tell Him, i need Him to be the Dom, i need Him to continue my training, i need the boundaries enforced if i step out of line. Maximus came to this conclusion on His own when we went through the contract, He said it was quite evident that we’d stopped living the intent of the contract and our D/s. Again, nothing against anyone…i got sick, it made it blurry on how to operate D/s with my illness.
So with a little lube…communication, we’re back on track. We have an excellent contract, we have an excellent D/s relationship. Honestly, we’re not all conflict. i tend to write about it because it’s important for me to do this to digest and move on, and to remember how we got to where we are. There are so many great things, things before, things now, and things in the future. Together we are so amazing!