The past couple of days i’ve been feeling like i’ve been a poor sub the past several months. Yes, i know i’ve been sick, and Maximus has been great and patient, but i don’t feel like i’ve been submissive, in fact, i feel like i’ve been everything but–pushing, fighting, and directing.
This feeling really started when i was getting my Advanced Directive and Power of Attorney out of my safe in preparation for my surgery, documents that are with our BDSM contract. Our contract is signed and sealed from the last time we revised and signed it on our last GOT day five months ago. As i held the sealed packet i thought, Wow, this really hasn’t seemed to guide my decisions or interactions with Maximus for awhile. Is this still relevant? That fleeting thought has been niggling at me.
So last night, late, i decided it was time to really think about my lack of submission. What has happened? What’s going on? What i think i’ve come up with is that my submissive life is imbalanced. Well really, it’s not just that my submissive life is imbalanced…it’s that my WHOLE LIFE is imbalanced. my body has taken control of my life and changed my ability to participate in athletics, maintain my fitness, work, have sex, and on and on and on. As i wrote about in Balance over a year ago, submission works for me to balance all the areas of my life where i have to be Dominant (work, endurance sports, maintaining my home), but i don’t have those things in my life right now. The absence of those things are influencing me to push back right now, trying to get back to homeostasis, or balance.
This illness has dramatically changed my life, and really, it’s a temporary thing. But it’s not short temporary…it’s a prolonged temporary thing, so right now, it feels like a permanent shift when i’m really in the final months of it. But instead of looking at this as a loss, i think this is an opportunity for me to find the lesson, gain strength from it, to learn to maintain my balance when life is imbalanced. Instead of fighting the loss of the dominant areas in my life, i should learn to trust the strength of my Dominant, to release into it and swim with the current. This is a gift, truly, a chance for growth, not just for me, but in our relationship together.
Is the contract still relevant? Probably more than ever. Should it be guiding me? Yes, that is what it was intended for.