We had a dialogue about my rage at Maximus’ request. i felt anxiety and trepidation about His request, as He had initiated a promise at our last session with Fern never to bring up this raging episode again. He said He’d been premature in saying that. my intention of our conversation today was to ask Him to share what He’d thought about during His backpacking trip about our relationship and situation. He said that this was what He’d thought about and that’s why He wanted to have this dialogue.
Initially i said i couldn’t have this dialogue today, that we’d have to wait until tomorrow as i was at work and furthermore, i didn’t feel i could have this dialogue with Him without Fern being present as i felt He was breaking a promise that He’d made to me in front of her. But then i realized that we couldn’t even have the conversation that i wanted to have because of that, and as i wanted to have a conversation that we’d made time for, said that we could have His dialogue now, but that i was uneasy about it.
It was a good conversation, a lot was shared. We are both feeling doubly guilty for our parts in this last event. i won’t rehash the whole dialogue. i did get stuck at the end analyzing things He said. And we finally concluded the dialogue that we both changed our behaviors based on a need for our own safety, and did things that broke each others trust, that we both love each other, are here for each other, committed to our relationship, have things to ask for forgiveness for and to apologize for.
i did get irritated at Him after that about His schedule change for tomorrow which would cut our time together by an hour. After He got upset with me about being upset at Him about it, i heard Him say that we would talk more tonight at the airport, which I had assumed He wouldn’t do as He hasn’t been wanting to talk on the phone at the airport in the past several months. i focused on losing an hour and assuming he’d not talk to me tonight. We got it straightened out. And it is a lesson learned for me that it’s not that He’s not wanting that time with me, it’s out of His hands as well. i need to learn not to hear it as He doesn’t want to be with me, it is that He does, but outside factors have pulled Him away from me.
After sitting down and thinking about the dialogue and what we would dialogue about tomorrow, i realized that we have an opportunity to apologize, forgive each other, and move forward. We both did things. i do believe that my raging is better, and not having that huge trigger, i believe my raging would have been over. We’ll never know what could’ve been. But i would like to prove to Maximus that my rages are over. i would like Him to begin to trust me again. And i need to trust Him as well so He can feel safe enough to do that.
As i sat here, i began to think about the things that made me fall in love with Him in the first place. All of those things are still there—they always have been. i just got so wrapped up in my past hurt that i couldn’t see them. i understand that He wanted to do anything to prevent me from raging at Him again…i felt the same way.
And so it’s all out in the open between us. i get it.
i can do that, i can put my faith into Him, and me, and trust Maximus again. Maximus, can you do the same for me? Can we take this opportunity for a fresh start with each other to rebuild trust together? i trust that it was never your intention to hurt me, that you did things and are doing things in the intention for us to move on into our future, a future that is true and honest and together. It is my intention as well. Can we have a fresh start?