Last night, well this morning, i awoke with a nightmare. i dreamt i was raging at Maximus again and it was awful.
In my dream, we were at my mother’s house, having a discussion about something, and i felt that i was getting frustrated and triggered by it. i asked Maximus for a break to settle down and after a few minutes, He came into the room i was in and started the discussion again. He wouldn’t stop and i hadn’t had enough time to settle down, and i ended up yelling at Him. As soon as i did, He said, “That’s it! We’re done!” and stormed off. He got into His car and sped away. i was crushed and went outside to the edge of the woods on mom’s property and started gathering pieces of photographs of Maximus and me that were hanging on branches and blackberry brambles, appearing to have been strewn over the area.
That’s when i awoke, not spontaneously, but by an alarm. i don’t know what was going to happen next. It was a horrible way to wake up and for a moment, i wasn’t sure whether it was a nightmare or a horrible reality. But, as it was set at my mom’s house and had the photographs strewn in the woods, i deduced it was a nightmare.
While i’m feeling better about what’s going on with the raging and my emotions, i’m obviously still scared of repeating a rage.
On the flip side, Maximus and i will be getting together in just under ten days, something that was not even on the horizon just a day or two ago. i had wanted to go up to His home immediately after i’d had my last rage, to reassure myself that we were okay, but Maximus had said no. This was an awful feeling as He’d never refused me before. But, given time, i realized He was right in saying so–we needed space. Yesterday my schedule freed up and during our phone call last night, i asked Maximus if i could come up during my unexpected vacation, and He said He would love to have me come up and that we would be doing something with His kids to celebrate June birthdays and Father’s Day. Not only did He mention we’d be doing that, but that the kids had been asking about me and wanting me to join Him. He was excited that i was coming up. And this made my heart sing.
Maybe that’s why the nightmare. i’m probably worried about messing things up. But, nightmares don’t have to come true. We can wake ourselves up when they start and avoid the terror–which is exactly what i will do if ever i feel triggered in real life–wake myself up and live in the beautiful dream come true instead.