i had my second session with Fern yesterday. i was just too wiped out last night to write about it (i went immediately from that appointment to have my Mirena IUD removed and replaced with a new one as it had been five years and time to replace it. While the process to remove and replace the IUD was much, much better than the initial placement, it caused cramps and i was just worn out by early evening). I did share the bulk of this with Maximus on the phone last night, but told Him there was a mantra i was working on and would share with Him later when i had a chance to really take time with it.
This session was the first time for Fern to do some in depth investigation into me as the first session was really an introduction of me and the situation. We started with having me “check in” with her about how i was feeling, what things were going on, or if there were any stressors on the periphery that could impact me, my reactions, thought processes, or stress level. i really was feeling great. Maximus and i’d had some really great conversations, which i posted about and more that i didn’t (just general conversations), and i felt really terrific about this. The only stressors on the horizon had to do with Maximus letting me know that The Englishman was going to be coming for the weekend and that he would be busy with him and starting on a huge yard project and therefore probably would not hear from Him a lot, and He didn’t want me to read anything more into it than what it was. i shared that with her because it could be a stressor, but that i have been working on not letting space between communication throw me. Next, she wanted me to commend myself on something, give praise to myself. i shared with her the conversation about how i was feeling when Maximus continued to say, “You can’t do this again,” and how i was proud of myself for doing that and the manner in which i did it. i also praised myself for allowing myself to start to not fear my emotions. Finally, Fern asked me to set my intention for this session, which was simply to get started on the healing process with her.
For the rest of the session, Fern had questions about my relationship with OneGuy, how that started, how i felt in that relationship, etc. i shared about how we met and what was going on in my life with my father’s illness and how i imprinted upon OneGuy and his family, seeing it for something i was losing in my life and not the reality of what it was. As we talked about that and my great relationship with my father and family, my personal drive to succeed and fear of failure, Fern asked me to start naming the players of my self-talk. It was a little difficult for me at first, but i came up with three during the session: Wisdom, History, and Rescuer.
Wisdom. Wisdom is the one who is logical. This player picks up on things going on and looks at them concretely, for what they are. Wisdom doesn’t over-analyze, takes things for what they are. Wisdom looked at my relationships and said, “things aren’t safe, you need to go.” Wisdom looked at me and said, “you are broken and have lost your soul, you need to repair yourself.”
History. History is the one who analyzes and compares the current situation with the past. This player evaluates EVERYTHING and has a mind like a steel trap–nothing escapes History, no word, no nuance, no body movement, NOTHING. History believes there are signs everywhere and looks for patterns, proof of situations repeating themselves. When History hears hoof beats, History assumes there is a horse coming, never a zebra. History is very loud and persuasive.
Rescuer. Rescuer is the one who loves to help people, who is can see others’ issues extremely clearly and also see the root causes and resolutions for them. This player LOVES to be helpful, wields a sword to defend friends and family and strangers. Rescuer is very drawn to people who need help, volunteers to help people before they ask for it.
Fern asked me to speak to her as if i was each of these players individually introducing themselves to her. This was hard for me to do. i did better just talking about them and what they would say. She also wanted me to talk as if each player did not know the others, but for me, they are three friends who get each other in trouble a lot–and, as Fern noted, with the best intentions when they do, it’s not malicious. History is really loud and convincing, usually pushing Wisdom out of the way when Wisdom is quietly saying, “well wait a minute, there’s no proof that is happening this time in this situation…” History means well, does this to protect me from things that hurt in the past. The Rescuer is less of a player now than it was years ago, because Rescuer got me into situations that got me drained, hurt, and taken advantage of, so History and Wisdom won’t allow Rescuer much leeway anymore. Moreover, Rescuer can see very clearly into external situations, but cannot see internally well at all. Rescuer has the ability to make great recommendations to Wisdom and History on how to self-rescue, but Wisdom and History have repressed Rescuer.
Fern has recognized that i am introverted, that is, my source of power is internal. This doesn’t mean that i’m antisocial, quiet, shy, it means that i get recharged by alone time and drained by large groups. It doesn’t mean that i don’t like parties and group situations, it means that after i am in those situation, i take me-time to recharge. Fern wants me to use this time to meditate, empower the strengths of these three players we’ve identified so far. my concern, however, and i shared this with her, is that more often than not, alone time opens up self-talk and overanalyzing that i’ve not been able to squelch. i need to learn how to have the recharge time without the spinning.
So out of this discussion came my assignment for the week. My assignment was to come up with a mantra that i could use to help me stop the spinning, something i could repeat during mediation if I was overanalyzing or feeling triggered. She gave an example of what she uses, something a colleague shared with her, “Life is meaningless.” This phrase does not mean life is hopeless, it is meant to say, lots of things happen that don’t mean anything, there is no reason for something happening other than, it is, and not to analyze it to ascribe meaning more than that.
i want my own mantra. As i drove away after our session, i started to think about this assignment and go through other mantras and phrases i’ve heard. Maximus’ is, “Life is good,” and while a wonderful one, it’s His, not mine. “Life is meaningless” is Fern’s and, well, i actually have a problem with that one as it just seems too encompassing and risky. Then it came to me, and i’ve been rolling it around the past 24 hours, researching it a bit, and have decided to adopt it: “It’s No Thing.” Now, it doesn’t mean it’s nothing–it is something, a concrete thing, a word, a phrase, a nuance, a situation, but it’s not a thing to analyze, it’s just a thing! But also, nothing to analyze.
i’m very happy with this mantra. And interestingly enough, when i did a web search of “It’s No Thing,” i discovered a blog of the Devotees of guru, Nithyananda Swami, and a particular post, The Biology of Enlightenment, about meditation:
Let’s look inside for just a brief minute….
How long can you keep the mind completelly [sic] silent?
If you try to stop thinking it just starts right back up again.
Words, verbalizations, thoughts, thinking and emotionalism are completely automatic.
You can’t stop it by controlling it, but you can (eventually) stop it by non-judgementally watching it.
The brain works completely by it self.
It has nothing to do with “you” doing it.
This means that you are not the doer of deeds nor the thinker of thoughts.
The mind/body is an “it”, not a “me”.
The brain’s thoughts and body’s reactions are just the result of cells doing work.
We are not the physical body/mind and its senses.
We are not the mind and it’s automatic rambling thoughts.
We are the still, conceptless, silent Awareness that is aware of them.
We are the Awareness that is watching the body/mind’s automatic functioning.
We are the Silent Formless Observer.
We are the Life/Consciousness/Awareness that is simply aware of Itself as existing.
We have mistakenly identified ourselves as being the physical mind/body.
It was an erroneous belief all along.
The real “you”, the Silent Aware Mind, is not confined to a brain, or anything else.
It’s infinitely Everything beyond physicality.
It’s the formless Allness of Existence.
It’s No-Thing, yet Infinitely Everything.
But thinking about that won’t help you realize and experience that.
Only meditation can help us get there.
How amazing is that?
i do believe in the the law of attraction, that we attract people, experiences, by negative or positive thought. These past ten days proves it to me yet again, that i have been attracting the things i need, as by fate, Fern, with her supporting history, my mantra for meditation, developed in my mind for me, aligning with a spiritual guru’s guide for meditation. i feel i am traveling in the right direction, attracting the things i need and will support me in my healing. This is not a negative path, this is a positive one, one of growth out of my past experiences.
And really, Life is Good! It has been, i’ve just let my past cloud it.
No more. It was just a thing, my past, and It’s No Thing. This love, this connection, this life with Maximus…It’s a Real Thing, a Lasting Thing, a Great Thing.