Monthly Archives: May 2013



So i’m working hard on trying to figure this all out. It’s beyond important to me. i realize it’s going to take at least a week before i can see a counselor, especially due to the holiday, and i really need to start working on this now.

i started searching the internet on anger after divorce, anger in new relationships after divorce, anger management, and even went through a free on-line anger management course. But while they had great information, they all focused on telling yourself to quit being angry, to take a time out, etc., and honestly, if i could have done that, i would have! i told myself to do that, Maximus told me to do that, i tried to do that, i did it and instantly came back into it after leaving the room, over and over.

i went to to find books i could read on my Kindle. And i found a book that seemed interesting and had great reviews by counselors, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Behavior by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW. PhD. For the first time, something is describing what i’m feeling. And it describes how telling yourself or having someone tell you to take a time out doesn’t work with raging.

Potter-Efron describes six types of rage, two of which are how quickly they develop, sudden or seething, and four that are reactions to threats, survival, impotent, shame, and abandonment. Things that make me more likely to rage are:

  • i have a history of emotional trauma that has left me feeling scared, vulnerable, and defensive.
  • i react very strongly to situations in which i feel abandoned, rejected, or betrayed.

My raging is sudden. Something triggers me and i fly into a rage.

Seven Steps to Stop Sudden Raging

  1. Be hopeful. Believe that you can learn how to stop raging. Do not give up on yourself.
  2. Make a commitment to work hard and long to contain your rage. No more denial, i have a big problem called rage. i admit it, i accept it and i need to do something right now about it. my goal is to stop every one of them. i will learn everything i can about  when, how, why, where, and with whom i rage. i can’t expect perfection but i can expect to make fairly rapid progress if i commit work on this.
  3. Take the time to identify your rage patterns.
  4. Look at past near-rage episodes to learn more about how i sometimes prevent myself from raging.
  5. Look at partial-rage episodes to learn more about how i stayed at least somewhat in control even during rage.
  6. Make a safety plan to lessen my risk, such as gathering a support system, getting anger management training. Now, here the author suggests medication therapy and the common problem of reluctance of people in taking medications. He believes many people do indeed have chemical imbalances in their brains that cause these…i would believe this for myself if i had this problem consistently throughout my life or in all areas of my life, but i don’t. i am choosing not to chemically alter myself.
  7. Work on long-term issues to make permanent changes in your sense of self and the world so that you feel secure with others good about yourself, sane, and healthy.

i also have a component of shame-based rage in that i am super-sensitive to criticism. i always have been sensitive to criticism and am my own worst critic as well. Generally, i have already beat myself up to a bloody pulp over something, so having someone else bring it up again is very difficult for me. i can usually deal with this without raging, due to a quote from my mom that has helped me my entire life:

“Criticism is proof that somebody cares.”

But i had a fairly recent episode with The Englishman and Maximus that dealt exclusively with shame-based rage, which i will address in another post specifically about this topic for me.

The largest component of my rage is Abandonment Rage due to feeling insecure in my relationship. This will be an area of intense study and work for me. i know i have this difficulty, i’ve shared it with Maximus, i need to learn how to manage it and trust Him.

i know i’ve posted a lot. It’s for me, not for anyone else. i need to write this down and i wish to be as transparent and bare with Maximus about my issues, what i’m learning, and what i’m doing about it. i am certain these are too painful for Him to read right now and maybe will be too painful for Him to ever read, but at least He has that option.

i can do this. Thank You for believing in me. You have no idea how much staying with me is helping.

Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling | Leave a comment

On the Couch


i’m feeling better today, still reeling, but not as emotional. Maximus and i have touched base and i’ve been working on finding counselors. The priorities for counselors include, kink-friendly, deal with anger management, and have ability or willingness to do couples counseling via Skype due to our distance relationship. i would prefer to find a counselor who works with my medial insurance program, but it is less of a priority.

The counselor who was interested in helping us in January wrote back that she would like to work with us, so i am waiting for her intake forms to fill out. my hope is that i can work with her one-on-one immediately and we can include Maximus in by Skype when He’s not in town, and include Him in the office when He is.

i have been thinking about things and want to write these things down to capture them to bring to the counselor:

  • i need to figure out how not to let things trigger me into these angry outbursts. Why does this happen? Why can’t i stop them? Even at the time i know i shouldn’t do it but i cannot seem to stop it or want to stop it. i am horrified to realize there seems to be an endorphin rush in this while it’s happening, that i feel a sense of release during this and gives me a momentary flush of relief, but the reality afterward is horrendous. It’s like i’m expelling a monster, but i’ve aimed it at the person i love the most.
  • This only occurs in my relationship with Maximus…it’s not occurring in any other part of my life, not professionally, not athletically, not socially, not with my family. But it’s not Maximus, it’s something inside me.
  • i need to resolve the stuff from my second marriage that hurt me so badly. Maximus is not OneGuy, yet i am attacking Him for all the insecurities i have from that marriage. My marriage to OneGuy was full of mistruths, secrets, financial dishonesty, emotional abuse–Maximus has done none of these things, yet i treat Him as if He has. How do i get past this?

After my divorce, i realized i had lost my soul, my self. i spent a great deal of time learning to love myself again. i went to group sessions, sacred spirituality, tantra events, all of which helped me recover my soul. i was in a great place! i came to a place where i was happy and joyful and totally recovered, about me. i had come to a conclusion, however, that i was done with relationships and was best to be in love with me and have a strong marriage to myself. i never expected Maximus.

When Maximus told me He had fallen in love with me and asked what i thought, i replied, “i’m terrified.” i told Him i was scared of having a relationship other than with myself, that i had never expected to be in love with someone else again. But i did love Him, and i told Him that. my deepest fear was that i hadn’t done anything to prepare myself for someone else, but i thought i’d be ok–i’m so clearly not.

  • i want to be able to trust again.
  • my period started today. i don’t want to think that these outbursts are hormonally related, i’ve always thought that was a crutch. Maybe i need to consider that. Is this age? my early 20s were fraught with dysmenorrhea and migraines, controlled by birth control pills to manage hormones.
  • Please tell me this is not who i am. i can’t be this way any more. It’s destroying me. i’ve lost all confidence in myself. i’m destroying my relationship with Maximus.

i’ll have more to add. These are just things right now. i want to be prepared when i meet the counselor. i so want this to stop.



Categories: anger, balance, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling, fear | Leave a comment

Blown It

blown it

i’ve blown it. Ruined a wonderful thing. Hurt the person i love the most in the most horrible, unimaginable way.

It’s been three days of hell.

i’m horrified, sick, devastated, begging for mercy, hoping we will somehow make it through this.


And i’m so scared. i’ve never been so scared.


i exploded at Maximus. And i mean yelled and screamed and stomped and gesticulated. i used every obscenity in my vocabulary, accused Him of things, berated Him, belittled Him. And i couldn’t stop. He tried to get me to stop and i wouldn’t. Deep down, part of me wanted Him to engage me, to scream back at me–but He didn’t.

Finally a break, a nap without napping, and i started again. A bath, please together, i ask. He does, i am upset again because He’s exhausted, head back, eyes closed and all i want is for Him to look at me. i leave the tub and go to bed. He follows eventually and i wrap His arms around me for fitful sleep.

The morning, He awakes, He throws a pillow over His head and i’m offended, i take it personally. i go downstairs, make coffee, sit on the couch and wait for Him to join me, thinking He will, but He doesn’t. He’s upset at me and i want Him to sit with me. i get angry again and demand that He take me to the airport NOW! hours and hours early.

i grab my bags, fight with the car over and over, in and out of the car, yelling and kicking. Third try and we’re on the road. i hissed and verbally bashed Him all the way there. i jumped out at the curb, grabbed my bags and stormed into the airport with out looking back.

i hear my name as i walk to the ticketing agent and turn to find Maximus. i think He’s come to beg me to stay. “you forgot your phone,” as He reaches it out to me. i hiss at Him, grab it from His hand and walk away. And He’s gone.

An angry email later. Angry phone calls. From me. i’m awful. We go over my email and i start to calm down. We talk about counseling. He wants to do it separately, i need it together. We make it through the list and He brings up something from the trip and i’m instantly upset again because He’s accusing me of not apologizing for it, which i did and we’d discussed it at length while we were on the trip. The phone goes dead in the middle of a sentence–He’s hung up on me.

i hurt so bad. i lay in bed, hear nothing from Him. i need to stop this, it’s killing us. i text Him goodnight, like i always do.

and nothing

A fitful night, no sleep. i don’t know if we are together or not. i’ve exploded so many times, said so many things.

i text Him good morning, like i always do.

and nothing

Anguish all day. All i want is to hear from Him. i’m so frustrated. And i’m worried about Him. i send a text about a concern knowing that while i mean well, it’s going to offend Him. i tell Him that in the message.

i call.

no answer.

A text that He’s busy working.

i can’t accept it. i call again. He always has time for me. Please answer. i need to tell You i want to fix this. i’m so hurt that You didn’t respond to goodnight and good morning. i miss you and i’m so so scared.

He demands i stop interrupting Him and His work. i’ve called the cell and house phone over and over. Please pick up i need to tell you i’m sorry and i want to stop this.

i stop. He’s given me a time to call me and it’s hours away.


He’s so angry and i deserve that. i’ve hurt Him so badly. i don’t know if He will ever like me again. i can tell He’s not sure. He tells me my words are poison and have damaged Him and He can’t see through this black storm of mine that i’ve surrounded Him with.

i’m so scared. i’m being calm. i need this cycle to stop. Please stop, Maximus, please help me, i’m begging you.

i’ve contacted the counselor from January, the one who would do Skype sessions with us. Maximus had initially been interested but then was unsure about doing it through Skype and it fell apart. i thought we’d be ok without it. We weren’t. i wasn’t.

i need to start this soon. i need to have Him there with me when we do this. i need to have Him see me get this help. i need to have Him tell the counselor the story of how i acted. i need to have Him see me listen to the counselor, hear the words they will say, so He hears it for Himself, not biased through me in my report to Him.

i know He does not understand that, He doesn’t want to go with me, wants me to go alone. Doesn’t He see that i need to have Him watch this, i need to be stripped down in front of Him, i need Him to see my hurt.

and i need Him to see how badly i want to repair me to repair our relationship, that i’ll do anything for that.

i do love Him. He did say He loved me too. Thank god for that and thank god for Him.

This will not be easy or quick. I’m terrified about the time it will take, not because i don’t think i have the time to do it, but that i will be impatient that it doesn’t heal as fast as i want it to. i want it to be healed now, tomorrow, this week so we can move on, but i know that won’t happen.

i can’t lose faith, i can’t lose patience

i need to heal whatever is broken in me, and i have an idea what that is.

i can’t lose Him because of that hurt.


Please believe in me.


Categories: anger, bat shit crazy, BDSM relationship, conflict, counseling | Leave a comment

Game Over


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Get Here


i am waiting for Maximus to arrive home from His business trip, and of course i’m impatient to see Him. He texted from the plane…

Maximus: On the plane now

me: Come home come home come home!

Maximus: The Englishman getting to you? [The Englishman is staying over as well, returning from a business trip]

me: No! i miss You!

Maximus: Great. I like that. Kisses.

…and then He was off!

But then texted again an hour later…

Maximus: New plane. Computer issue, heading back to gate.

me: Oh no!

He’s on His way again, just landed at His intermediate stop, but they left a little over 2 hours late, so He’ll miss His connecting flight.

The song, Get Here, by Brenda Russell and then covered by Oleta Adams is running over and over in my head…

Categories: BDSM relationship, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Eyes Wide Open


i knelt in the bedroom on the white fur rug, waiting for Maximus to prepare the guest room for our session. He came to me, brought me to standing, and led me to the room to stand next to the bed.

“Hold your hair up.” He instructed as He brought my collar toward my neck. The collar was fastened tightly, “Good,” He said, as He pulled against the ring on the front to test it.

Next came the matching cuffs, first left, then right, then instructed me to lay on my back on the bed. Each wrist cuff was secured to the cast iron posts of the headboard, my arms pulled at a 45-degree angle from my body like a Y.

“I’m leaving your legs free,” He informed me, and then straddled my waist.

Vacuum tubes were next, one on each nipple, but only tightened enough to draw the nipple to just off the end of the plunger. The goal was to see if the nipple elongates into the tube under vacuum to touch the plunger and then tighten it more to draw it further in, slowing stretching the nipple to fill the entire chamber. i closed my eyes to escape into the depths of my submission, which i love.

“Keep your eyes open,” Maximus instructed. “Keep them open the whole time. I want to see into your soul.”

This is going to be hard for me. i want to escape.

Maximus began to crop my pussy, clit, and anus, which i love. The end of the crop slid over my clit and trailed over my body. The crop struck softly and increased in intensity. Suddenly He pulled it back quickly and it came forward like a flash in a hard hit but stopped before it hits my body. i gasped!

“Don’t flinch.”

This repeated over and over, on my breasts, my sex. i bit my lip to keep from gasping and flinching. i fought to keep my eyes open, fighting my desire to both escape and avoid flinching by not witnessing His game.

“Good girl.”

i alerted Maximus, “Sir, my nipple has contacted the plunger.”

“Oooh,” He cooed, “thank you for noticing for Me,” and He increased the screw to increase the vacuum.

He slammed His cock inside of me, His face hovering over mine, mouth open, staring into my eyes. Saliva must be coming, i’m sure of it, the one thing i have difficulty with–and He knows that. But no, before fluid drips from His mouth He kissed me, mouth open, tongue probing. He pulled away and positioned to drool on me again, forcing me to fight not to wince or turn my head. This repeats and He giggled.

Next, lube poured onto my anus and smeared over the head of the new giant cock dildo Maximus bought for me. The head pushed into me slowly, agonizingly slowly. my anal sphincter begrudgingly opened and the head advanced in, the widening girth of the head stretching me but not slipping past, holding my anal ring expanded and not allowing it to release over the end of the glans to the shaft.

“Oh, it’s too much!” i cry and Maximus retracted it.

He tried again, again agonizingly slow…if He’d only allow it to completely enter me, let my anal ring relax onto the shaft. But no, it’s too much again.

“Please sir, please dilate me.”

Anal beads then slip completely into me–completely! It’s not that my ass is not wanting or willing. Next came a glass dildo with little bumps all over it. The bumps are too much for my ass.

The cock reappeared.

“Oh Sir, please, please insert it faster, i know i can take it if it enters more quickly. But it’s too much now. my ass spasms and fights the cock. i am so disappointed. The cock disappeared.

Clothespins then appeared. Maximus roughly pinched at my labia, bringing each side up and securing them together with clothespins. My labia is pinned from my ass to the hood of my clit.

“Pussy is closed,” He remarked and then released a long stream of saliva onto my throbbing exposed clit.

His fingers circled and pinched my knob of nerves and then bought His mouth to tease it more. His body banged against the ends of the clothespins, moving and twisting them. He sat back and brought forth the clover clamps on the chain. i’m terrified as i watch this, i’ve never watched this before. i’m so scared. The clothespins were placed so rapidly and roughly, i’m afraid the clover clamp will be placed in the same manner. i gasp, “Yellow…”

He let go of the clamp and it’s too much for me. “Red, red, red,”  and tears begin to flow. He removed the clamp.

“Hmmmm, let’s see what we can do here.”

Clothespins are attached to my right breast, adjacent to the vacuum tube. The tube has been tightened during our scene whenever He notices that my nipples have elongated further under the pressure. my nipples are so long, longer than we’ve ever seen them. He pulled on the tubes, stretching my breasts, but not releasing the vacuum. my breasts are slapped, bit, i can’t flinch, i can’t close my eyes, i have to watch. Sometimes the hits are hard, sometimes soft, but the motions are difficult to discern. my mind reels.

Suddenly, Maximus pulled the right tube off my nipple without releasing the pressure, pinched the nipple tightly and immediately installed the clover clamp at the base of the elongated tit at the aerola. More slaps, more bites. He tightend the left vacuum tube and then laid on it as He tortured my right breast.

He reached down, inserted one, then two, then three, four, all five fingers into my sopping pussy, fisting me. He forced my legs up, hooking my toes on the cast iron cross pieces above my head, and pounded my G-spot. i squirt over and over into my face and into my eyes. His hands come up to my mouth for me to suck my juices off of.

“Taste. you taste good, don’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, i taste good.”

And then, unlike any other session before, Maximus fucked me! His cock pounded me hard, His face over mine, mouth open, eyes drilling into mine. He came hard, yelling, suddenly.

But we are not done.

Spanks, flogger, and crop continue. Now i must count. He stood next to the bed. i never know where He will strike next or how hard or soft it will be. i am wet and each strike is extenuated by this. The cast iron footboard prevents Him from striking my sex straight on, He has to approach perpendicularly. Because of this, sometimes the shaft of the crop canes me, something we’ve never done before. It’s so stingy, so painful, but i cannot speak now other than to count.

i’m getting lost in my fear, i realizing that He’s been mindfucking me the entire time, forcing me to keep my eyes open and be present, to watch and have to anticipate what He’s going to do, anticipate how hard the strike will be and not flinch. i’m losing my mind.

i can’t take any more. my legs close.

“Open your legs!” He demanded.

i can’t.

“Open your legs!” He repeated. He pried my legs apart and the cropping continues.

my legs close again. Tears stream down my face, “No, no, no, no, no!”

He pried my legs again and crops. my legs close and He forced my closed legs up above my head and began to spank my bottom.

“No, no, no, no, no!” i cried, my head shaking back and forth. i slip away, i’m now a child of six or seven, my father restraining me in a tickle torture. i can’t breathe, i sob uncontrollably. i am terrified.


Maximus released me, releasing my legs and lays upon me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay. you’re safe.” as He stroked my face and kissed my tears.

He released my left nipple from the vacuum tube, released my wrists, removed the cuffs and collar, and curled His body around me. i’m freezing, chilled, goosebumped, and shaking.

“you’re body is burning up,” He noticed.

But i’m freezing. He covered me with a blanket and returned with sips of water.

i cannot talk yet, still reeling about what happened and worried i might have scared Him. We slept together entwined.

About an hour and a half later He woke me so we could get cleaned up to meet friends for dinner. He mentioned concern that i’ve never been so quiet after one of our scenes before. i explain that it was just so intense and that i was worried that my response at the end scared Him.

“Two reds,” He said, “Wow! That’s awesome. I’ve never gotten a red from you before, let alone TWO.”

“That was a complete mindfuck!” i explained. “you made me watch everything, forced me not to flinch, played with the intensity but never let me know what the intensity level would be. You pretended to drool on my face but didn’t.  i was terrified! You could have done all those things , have done all those things before, without a yellow or reds if my eyes were closed.”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to do,” Maximus smiled.

Categories: BDSM, breast torture, clothespins, mindfuck | Leave a comment


heart rocks2

Maximus and i just returned from our much needed trip to Hawaii. We had a wonderful time! How could you not–it’s Hawaii! And it was first class all the way with Maximus!

Maximus brought a few new toys to play with on our trip: a huge suction cup dildo, nipple vacuum tubes, an enema bag, and a speculum that can be used in the vagina and ass (with cleaning in between, of course!) and we managed to get them though security! One bag got searched by TSA, they left us a little note, but everything was there!


The first order of business was to relax! So off with our clothes and onto the lanai to lounge and enjoy the heat–i with my nipple vacuum tubes in place, of course! These vacuum tubes are amazing and i just love how bit and juicy they make my nipples!


Our days were busy, spent training, and we literally exhausted ourselves and hit the bed early every night, absolutely physically spent. We did play, of course, every day!

As we planned, we renewed our contract during this trip. i had a little (ok, not so little) meltdown the next to the last day because i was disappointed that Maximus and i seemed to have different intentions about the renewal process. i’m not going to go into details, it was painful, but we got things resolved. While the renewal was different than i imagined, it was absolutely spectacular and so us.

DSC_0057Maximus was trying to locate a specific beach that He’d been to briefly once before. We finally found it, Kiholo Bay, accessible by an unmarked bumpy dirt road off the highway. This is a gorgeous black sand beach, dotted with white coral, lapped with warm turquoise blue water.

Maximus dressed in black, i in white, mirroring the elements of this beach. Because a symbol of our agreement was so important to me, Maximus instructed me to find a piece of white coral and He would find a piece of black lava rock that i would later somehow combine to have as a symbol of our commitment to each other. i asked if we could each find two pieces so we could have something at both homes to remind us when we were apart, and He thought that was an excellent idea. The stones and coral we chose are at the top of this post, the large rock, representing the rock Maximus is to me, with my white coral heart resting completely upon it. i could not imagine anything more perfectly symbolic of us than that.

For the signing, we found a lone mesquite (Kiawe, meaning “to sway”) tree on the beach surrounded by black lava rock and white coral. Maximus sat on a rock and i knelt before Him and He asked me to Grow Old Together with Him, which i agreed. We expressed our commitment to each other, signed our contract, and kissed underneath the branches of the tree–Our Tree.


We absolutely fell in love with this beach. As we were driving out, i looked up information on the beach and learned there was a great deal more to explore here, so we vowed to return the next day, our last day on the island. i packed a picnic lunch with a bottle of wine for our last day. We set off exploring the beach and found a lava tube full of fresh spring water to swim in, a blue lagoon full of fish and turtles, and a secluded beach. We spent time at our tree and reveling in each other.

This beach will forever be ours, our special place, a place of renewal, not merely of contracts, but of our hearts and commitment, a healing of misunderstandings and moving on together. And like the Kiawe tree, we will sway together through the soft breezes and heavy storms, calm waters and crashing surf, rooted deeply in a rugged landscape formed of fiery rock and gifts from the ocean.

“I could ask for no better monument over my grave than a good mesquite tree, its roots down deep like those of people who belong to the soil, its hardy branches, leaves and fruit holding memories of the soil. . . .”
— J. Frank Dobie, Texas writer

Categories: BDSM contract, BDSM relationship, D/s, Dom/sub | Leave a comment

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