Awakening

Quite a bit of really good things to talk about today, some revelations, considerations as i/we move forward through this process of healing.

Yesterday, during my run, i decided to change from music to the Erotic Awakening podcast. Since the blowup, i’ve really stepped back from reading/perusing/listening to podcasts/etc. about BDSM because it was too much for me. i was reeling at the potential loss of that aspect of my life, embarrassed that i’d endangered it, and i just couldn’t go there. But, i thought it was time to go back, trusting that Maximus and i are in reparation mode not separation mode, and i generally seem to pick up some kernel of insight or something to think about when i study BDSM, even if it’s merely a new position or toy or scene.

The latest EA podcast was EA255 – How to train your slave. At first, i have to admit, i was leery about listening to this one because i’m feeling like a horrible submissive right now, having acted so far outside Maximus’ expectations, but i’m so glad i listened. i picked up some very important things from Dan and dawn’s discussion, things i think will be important in adding into my/our healing process.

Behavioral Modification Training

One of the things that Maximus and i really like about Dan and dawn’s D/s relationship is that it isn’t so high protocol. dawn is allowed to look at Dan in the eyes, she is able to speak freely, she is not chained to the house, goes to college, has interests and leadership roles outside of their relationship. These are things that have been cultivated by Dan in an intentional but not strict structured way–this is very similar to our D/s relationship and has been important to us.

During their discussion about slave training, Dan was discussing how His training focused on modifying behavior for what His expectations are so that the submissive will modify her expectations of her own behavior. When He said this, dawn brought up a recent situation where she was slipping into an old behavior pattern and that Dan simply put His hand on her leg and said, “Old Pattern,” and she immediately switched back into the new behavior pattern. Dan believes dawn came to Him because she was drawn to certain characteristics that He possessed that she desired in herself, and she has adopted those behaviors and patterns through their relationship and training. In this way, the slave reflects the Master, holds herself to a higher accountability through her desire to please Him.

i think this is an important lesson. i really do want Maximus to be involved in my process of learning how not to rage. It’s not that i believe He’s the cause, He’s not, but i really do feel right in our D/s relationship, protected, cultivated, and He’s present when i have raged and therefore the best person to help me not go down that path. my concern, however, is how He can do that without it causing an escalation in the situation, as i worry that Him trying to redirect me will only piss me off and give me yet another thing to rage about! We talked about this very thing this morning–He has the same fear about this. He’s tried to redirect me, but the rage comes on so fast that there has been no time for Him to redirect me–one rage came on while He was asleep and had no way to know i was raging.

The key to this will be me working on creating new neural pathways first. There is no way for Maximus to beat the speed of a nerve impulse, which travel anywhere from 2-200 mile per hour (see this table)! Once new neural pathways are developed, it will take time for impulses to detour back to the old, obsolete pathways, allowing Maximus to see me back-tracking. And, we will work with Fern to help me learn how to accept guidance from Maximus in this situation, to not get mad at Him for helping me stay on track.

Duration of Punishment

When Dan is training a submissive, He is clear that , “I am punishing you,” and “Now punishment’s done, let’s move on because it’s over with.” This is very helpful for those who can punish themselves worse than any other person could punish them. Dan finally had to tell dawn that she was not allowed to punish His property without His permission. When punishment is done, it really is done and over.

This is a lesson for me. In each and every one of the raging episodes i have had, Maximus has instructed me, very clearly, that this was the last time this was going to happen. And i agreed, but i was so absolutely mortified by my behavior that i have punished myself internally for months, which has led to Shame-Rage. This is a cycle that i need to stop. Yes, i have behaved monstrously and i have been punished by Maximus, but i am working on modifying my behavior–punishment is over. Punishing myself serves no purpose but to increase shame. i need to stop punishing Maximus’ property and respect it.

Respecting your Dominant’s Property

The other thing Dan worked on early in their relationship was in regards to helping dawn get over her attachment to her body image. “i’m large, i’m not pretty…” Dan stopped her and asked, “Do you doubt your Master? I’m telling you you’re beautiful.” She learned to trust His words.

i really identified with this. i don’t think i have a big body image issue, although Maximus believes otherwise. i did identify with this in regards to trusting the Maximus chose me. Early on in our relationship, i felt out of my league with Him, that He was so athletic, so gorgeous, so affluent, so amazingly perfect in every way that i somehow didn’t deserve Him. In fact, i even told Him that i could not believe He chose me, that i pictured something completely different for the woman He would choose, someone tall, blonde, CEO, huge tits, etc. And when He told me i was the Best Piece of Ass (BPE) He’d ever had, i questioned Him on it, not believing Him. Well, that’s just downright disrespectful to do that to Him! When i put myself down in that way, i am essentially telling Him that He’s chosen someone who is not the things He wants, has made a bad choice, and that He’s an idiot! Why would i ever tell my Master that? Maximus is extremely intelligent, knows what He wants, and has picked me because i AM the things He wants! If He says i am beautiful, i AM beautiful! If He says i am BPE, i AM BPE! If He says we are Growing Old Together (GOT), we are certainly going to GOT. Doing anything to question or reject that is simply telling Him He’s a liar and that’s just completely disrespectful.

Shared Goals

Dan believes that the key to dawn’s training was that they had the same goals. In their case, that dawn become a stronger, more confident, more self-reliant being; and to embrace their sexual fantasies. Since their goals were aligned, they could train toward that. Training won’t be effective if their goals are not aligned.

i do believe our goals are aligned. We spent quite a bit of time this morning discussing what Maximus’ expectation is for the end result of our healing process and i agree with His vision. We received the intake forms from Fern this morning and there was an entire section the Maximus and i have to respond to about goals and expectations we have as a couple for this process. i have filled mine out and forwarded them on to Him and i look forward to seeing what He includes. This is one of our many strengths, that we do have a shared goal about resolving this and for our relationship.

i was excited to talk to Maximus about what i’d heard on the podcast. He listened to the podcast this morning and we talked afterward. It was a great discussion and we are very upfront and honest with each other about fears and concerns. It was great to have specific things to discuss, and these podcasts have been great for that throughout our venture into BDSM.

i brought up a concern this morning that i was initially going to blog about and then discuss with Maximus after He read it, but it came up during our conversation and i decided to address it then. As we have talked since the last rage, Maximus has stated over and over again that this can never happen again. i have never said anything to the contrary and fully agree. Addressing my rage has taken full focus and number one priority in my life–even over Ironman training, which is a significant part of my life. i cannot go through another rage situation, not only for what it does to Him, but whether He’s with me at the end of this or not, i cannot live with being a raging person–i simply cannot explain how horrible it is to be in the skin of a rager. i have been starting to feel invalidated when Maximus tells me yet  again that this can never happen again, as i feel like i don’t know what more i can say or do to show Him how hard i am working on fixing this–i’m feeling like He’s not hearing what i’m saying or seeing what i’m doing. In fact, i feel like i’m getting hit over and over on the head with a hammer. my ultimate concern is that at some point, my feeling of being unheard or invalidated will trigger me into yelling, “I KNOW!!!!!” at Him, and i just don’t want that to happen.

Maximus listened intently when i explained this and when i was done stated, “This is the best conversation we have had yet.” Wow, i was so relieved, as it was difficult for me to start this conversation, not wanting Him to feel attacked. Maximus volunteered that He would not say that anymore. He was repeating it because in the previous times post-rage i have assured Him that it wouldn’t happen again, yet it did. However, my actions are significantly different this time, in that i have agreed to go to counseling, am reading, blogging about it, and have admitted that i have a problem with rage. He acknowledges that this is a huge step and a huge change from before and will recognize that. i’m very glad that we had this conversation.

my next appointment with Fern is tomorrow. This evening i will go through all my posts and distill out main themes as she asked me to do. i will probably capture that in a post.