“There are sharks in every ocean, yet we still swim.”
i like that quote, seems very appropriate right now. In many areas of our lives, we do things knowing there is risk. We swim in the ocean, even though we know there are sharks or have learned we’ve been unknowingly swimming near them until pointed out to us; we drive on roads knowing other drivers might be distracted or poor drivers or otherwise impaired, and may have suffered an accident at the failures of another driver in the past; we get back on the bike or horse that threw us; we love again, despite broken hearts. We go back to our normal activities, eyes more open, more aware, cautious, flinchy, and often donning a new coat of armor.
i’m learning to be ok with feeling emotions again, to not be afraid of them. It is important for me to feel them so i can deal with them appropriately, create new neural pathways, something that won’t occur if i don’t allow myself to feel. And i need to feel emotions, its what makes me passionate in great ways. Emotions are not bad things.
i do struggle right now with Maximus’ armor, though. To me, its a palpable reminder of the danger in not controlling my anger. i get frustrated because the armor is there, a barrier from normal operations. It makes me feel like i don’t get to prove to Him that i’m not raging, and as i’m not raging, the armor is shielding Him from seeing that i’m not attacking at all. i know why its there, i respect that, i just want it to go away. It will come off, piece by piece over time as He realizes the heavy armor is no longer necessary, but i’m impatient.
Oddly though, i’m in a Catch-22 with myself in that while i’m frustrated about His armor, i was surprised by His plan to go to a swingers club tonight. i thought, “Really?!? You don’t think its maybe not a great choice right now after i’d raged at You?” i didn’t react at Him when He told me His plan, i decided i needed to think about it and control any reaction i had. i wasn’t jealous, as i’ve never been jealous about Him going to a swingers club without me, nor has He when i’ve gone; i was just surprised that it appeared that maybe He hadn’t thought it might tempt fate and cause me to rage. i don’t know, i haven’t asked Him about His thought process about this. In the end, though, He canceled that plan and is going to a workshop arranged by His financial advisor instead. So, maybe He did think about it. Perhaps telling me the details on how He came about deciding on what to do tonight was a way for Him to monitor how i would react.
But, when i think about it, i should consider it a good sign, that He felt confident that i wouldn’t rage about it. Or, maybe He just didn’t think about it at all. Or, maybe it was a way to monitor my reaction. I don’t know. Perhaps i should ask Him. He will, undoubtedly, tell me i am over-analyzing it. But, right now, that is kind of the direction i’ve been given by Fern, to analyze my feelings to work on triggers and raging. He has told me several times over the past week not to over-analyze things, so my analyzing is an area of discomfort for Him. i think He feels it is a precursor to my raging, analyzing things to the point where i distort their meaning or assigning them meaning that wasn’t there.
And, part of this is viewing the situation through my lens, not His. i am not comfortable with having sex with others without Maximus with me right now because i am fearful for what happened when i was unhappily married to PiperC. i had an affair when unhappily married to PiperC and fell in love with that woman. my fear is that i imprinted on her because i was unhappy with PiperC. i’m not unhappy with Maximus, but i feel sideways with Him and i worry that having sex without Him might cause problems i don’t want. Now, i have nothing to prove that really is the case, i’ve never had a problem separating sex and love before, so i may be over-analyzing. Maybe this is my armor. But because i feel this way, my lens, i have projected that upon Him, which is not fair.
Circular talk. Maybe making problems out of things that aren’t there just by what-iffing it to death. But this is my self-talk.
There are sharks in the ocean, certainly. He’s gotten back into the water, holding out His hand to me and saying the water’s fine, not worried about certain sharks, i guess. i should trust Him, take His hand and get into the water. We are fearful of different sharks. Together, if we let ourselves, we’ll help each other navigate those waters. i can’t expect Him to take my hand and follow me into water that is scary to Him if i don’t take His when i’m standing on the shore afraid of the water He’s offering to protectively guide me into. Especially if those sharks have never attacked. He is right there, swimming beside me like He always has, making sure i’m safe, reassuring me, swimming ahead only when He knows i’m safe, confident, and strong.