A Long Day

long day

It’s been a long day and its not even 8PM.

i fell asleep last night and didn’t realize until i awoke at midnight that i’d not texted a “Goodnight” to Maximus, and saw that i had not received one either, which is not pre-rage normal. i told myself not to take it personally, give Him the benefit of the doubt that He’s still going through the pain of my rage, and simply texted Him a goodnight text and went back to sleep.

i texted a good morning text when i got up, but didn’t hear anything for hours, not until i had called and left a voicemail on His cell phone telling Him good morning and that i missed His voice. i texted Him to ask if we could Skype today as i wanted to have some face-to-face time and have Him share with me what insights He was getting from my posts. i did get a text a while after i left the voicemail letting me know that He’d been on a ladder painting all morning, which i figured. i asked about the Skype again and didn’t get a reply about it.

i headed to the bike shop to look for a new bike, but they were closed for the holiday–their website made it appear they were open today, but i was mistaken. It was disappointing, normally not a big deal, but added to the discomfort i’d felt from lack of communication. i got over it and decided to go for a run after driving home.

my run was great, in the pouring rain, 6.5 miles, had a great fast pace. A good win. Maximus texted during my run to talk, that He was on His way to the pool to swim. i missed Him from my run, texted to Skype when He got home. He texted an hour and a half later asking to talk, that He was driving and could talk, but i just really wanted to Skype, so i asked if we could please Skype. He Skyped me immediately and i declined as i didn’t want to Skype while He was driving. i requested that He Skype me later from home when He was able.

A couple of hours passed and i didn’t hear from Him. i knew He was probably busy painting, but i was starting to get very disappointed about not Skyping. When this feeling started, i reminded myself that He had tried to talk twice and i’d not been able to and declined–so not His fault that we’d not talked, it was mine. This settled me down. i did decide, though, to call Him then and see if He could talk while working, just so we could arrange a time to Skype. i knew that He had plans tonight with His kids and was anxious that i wasn’t even going to hear from Him at all, let alone Skype.

My emotions bubbled up when He answered. i’m really still scared of feeling emotion right now, worried that i might not contain them. It’s not that i think i’m going to rage, its that if i do, the consequences of doing it are so dire that i’m just afraid to risk it. Because of this, i just had difficulty communicating with Maximus. i was talking, but i wasn’t able to articulate what i wanted to say. He said i was articulating well, but the message i was sending and the message He was receiving were not the same message. i got frustrated. i didn’t rage, but i was frustrated. i tried to get off the phone call, but Maximus recommended we stop trying to talk about texting and Skype and my frustrations about our decreased communication and talk about every day things instead. This helped.

We actually talked for a long time, an hour and 15 minutes. We did make arrangements to Skype this evening after dinner with the kids. At the end, however, i started bringing up stuff that we were going to talk about via Skype, which just got me feeling frustrated again. i decided i wanted to make dinner and get off the phone, but Maximus wanted to continue talking–i just started listening instead of talking, i was tired.

At the end, Maximus said He had something to reply in regards to me requesting that He “throw me a little bone” and increase our communication a little bit as the decrease makes me feel insecure right now and as insecurity is a trigger, i just needed a little help from Him. He mentioned that while the thing He was going to say wasn’t bad, He figured i’d take it and overanalyze it and feel hurt by it, so asked that i not do take what He was going to say personally. i simply asked Him to not end our phone conversation with it then, that if it was something He felt i would be upset by, it didn’t seem fair to end our phone call with it, and that perhaps He could just wait and tell it to me during our Skype conversation. He agreed. i actually felt good about making that suggestion and while i was exhausted by it, was glad that He agreed to do that.

He’s been texting a little bit during dinner. He texted to say that now He can perform a scene that i’ve been unsure of doing, asking Him for patience as i work up to it. i didn’t understand the connection and asked why. He replied, “Kinda like a get out of jail card. Hehe.”

i replied, “Ok, i’ll do anything,” tears welling up as i am so committed to righting this that i really WILL do ANYTHING to get this relationship repaired.

“Wow. Really. Going to pressure test that statement. Hehe,” He replied.

i responded, “i’m beyond serious, sweetheart. i’ll do whatever it takes to earn Your trust back,” and instantly the tears started flowing. i was spent. i went up to bed and laid down, considering asking Him to postpone Skype as i was exhausted. But, after laying there, breathing, taking an Excedrin for a budding headache, and working on the self-talk, i decided that continuing on with our planned talk was the best thing to do.

And i decided that i really needed to touch base with the counselor and get this therapy started. i’d not heard back from her since i asked if she had any associates who were covered under my insurance, so i sent her an email that i was really wanting to start with her now, solo, and incorporating Maximus in later as we progressed. She wrote back almost immediately that she had an appointment open tomorrow afternoon, and i replied to take that.

And, i sent her my blog posts in case she desires some information before we meet.

Now i await Maximus’ Skype call.

So we’ve Skyped–really hard for me to stay up for it, in fact i was napping when He texted to start.

His insights on my posts so far:

  • He is impressed that i have thrown myself into addressing this issue as i have, in the big manner that i tend to do when i get involved with any project. He feels this will accelerate our healing, especially in my working with the counselor.
  • my posts have been very insightful, very forthright, and introspective, like the previous posts about BDSM and relationship stuff has been.
  • He found it very interesting, surprising that He is the only one i rage with. When i reminded Him that my post about Abandonment Rage indicated that i started raging at the end of my marriage to OneGuy, He said that He wasn’t correlating that to being the same thing as He, Himself, wasn’t doing those things to me. We had some discussion about triggers.
  • He said He’s in this for the long-haul. It was a hit to the structure, much like the recent bridge collapse north of us when a truck hit the structure. But much like that area will have a temporary structure placed soon and after time a new, permanent structure, we too have to wait a little bit for the temporary structure and the permanent fix, and in time it won’t even appear it was ever gone.

We have had some struggle bridging the gap between our needs for healing. He needs space and time, i need communication. Both of us need the opposite of the other. For me, this illustrates why i need to talk to a third party, as there are some things that the person i’m communicating with needs to be impartial from the hurt. We agreed to be cognizant of each others needs in these areas. And i agreed to work on being patient about His healing process.

We talked for an hour or so and then we were exhausted. We do want to talk about our schedules and how we want to approach getting together again.

It was a good conversation. We will talk again tomorrow night after i have my appointment with the counselor.

Categories: balance, BDSM relationship, communication, insecurities | Leave a comment

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