So i’m working hard on trying to figure this all out. It’s beyond important to me. i realize it’s going to take at least a week before i can see a counselor, especially due to the holiday, and i really need to start working on this now.
i started searching the internet on anger after divorce, anger in new relationships after divorce, anger management, and even went through a free on-line anger management course. But while they had great information, they all focused on telling yourself to quit being angry, to take a time out, etc., and honestly, if i could have done that, i would have! i told myself to do that, Maximus told me to do that, i tried to do that, i did it and instantly came back into it after leaving the room, over and over.
i went to Amazon.com to find books i could read on my Kindle. And i found a book that seemed interesting and had great reviews by counselors, Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Behavior by Ronald T. Potter-Efron, MSW. PhD. For the first time, something is describing what i’m feeling. And it describes how telling yourself or having someone tell you to take a time out doesn’t work with raging.
Potter-Efron describes six types of rage, two of which are how quickly they develop, sudden or seething, and four that are reactions to threats, survival, impotent, shame, and abandonment. Things that make me more likely to rage are:
- i have a history of emotional trauma that has left me feeling scared, vulnerable, and defensive.
- i react very strongly to situations in which i feel abandoned, rejected, or betrayed.
My raging is sudden. Something triggers me and i fly into a rage.
Seven Steps to Stop Sudden Raging
- Be hopeful. Believe that you can learn how to stop raging. Do not give up on yourself.
- Make a commitment to work hard and long to contain your rage. No more denial, i have a big problem called rage. i admit it, i accept it and i need to do something right now about it. my goal is to stop every one of them. i will learn everything i can about when, how, why, where, and with whom i rage. i can’t expect perfection but i can expect to make fairly rapid progress if i commit work on this.
- Take the time to identify your rage patterns.
- Look at past near-rage episodes to learn more about how i sometimes prevent myself from raging.
- Look at partial-rage episodes to learn more about how i stayed at least somewhat in control even during rage.
- Make a safety plan to lessen my risk, such as gathering a support system, getting anger management training. Now, here the author suggests medication therapy and the common problem of reluctance of people in taking medications. He believes many people do indeed have chemical imbalances in their brains that cause these…i would believe this for myself if i had this problem consistently throughout my life or in all areas of my life, but i don’t. i am choosing not to chemically alter myself.
- Work on long-term issues to make permanent changes in your sense of self and the world so that you feel secure with others good about yourself, sane, and healthy.
i also have a component of shame-based rage in that i am super-sensitive to criticism. i always have been sensitive to criticism and am my own worst critic as well. Generally, i have already beat myself up to a bloody pulp over something, so having someone else bring it up again is very difficult for me. i can usually deal with this without raging, due to a quote from my mom that has helped me my entire life:
“Criticism is proof that somebody cares.”
But i had a fairly recent episode with The Englishman and Maximus that dealt exclusively with shame-based rage, which i will address in another post specifically about this topic for me.
The largest component of my rage is Abandonment Rage due to feeling insecure in my relationship. This will be an area of intense study and work for me. i know i have this difficulty, i’ve shared it with Maximus, i need to learn how to manage it and trust Him.
i know i’ve posted a lot. It’s for me, not for anyone else. i need to write this down and i wish to be as transparent and bare with Maximus about my issues, what i’m learning, and what i’m doing about it. i am certain these are too painful for Him to read right now and maybe will be too painful for Him to ever read, but at least He has that option.
i can do this. Thank You for believing in me. You have no idea how much staying with me is helping.