Examining my Sudden Rage

This post is about examining my sudden rage patterns. In this exercise i will be examining a particular sudden rage i went through.

About how long ago did this event take place?

This sudden rage event took place four days ago. This was a rolling rage event that spanned three days, the worst it has ever been.

What was going on in your life at the time that added stress to your life or might help explain what happened?

Maximus and i were returning from a trip to Las Vegas where we had competed in an athletic event and for some rest and relaxation. i was feeling awkward and insecure due to some behaviors of mine during the trip.

i had gotten upset at Him our first night when i discovered what i thought was a Cialis-induced erection and accused Him of doping before His race. We had overcome this over the next days of our trip, but i was still dealing with the shame of accusing Him of this and disrupting His sleep the night before an important event. Maximus had brought it up several times and i was just mortified about it, had been beating myself up and just wanted to move on from it.

Also, we’d had a discussion the night before during dinner about marriage and commitment that had upset me. i hadn’t raged about it, but i was feeling a bit embarrassed and frustrated about it still. During the course of the conversation Maximus asked if, theoretically, i would marry Him if He’d asked and i answered, “ummmmm, yes.” i returned the question to Him and He didn’t want to answer the question, got uncomfortable, wouldn’t look at me. We had a lot of discussion about why He wouldn’t answer the same question He just asked me and it just got worse. He finally answered, “yes,” but i was extremely embarrassed and felt hurt that He wouldn’t look at me and had refused to answer His same question. i began to tear up and said i needed to leave and walk, which we did. i settled down, didn’t rage, but was very rattled inside.

Just before the initial incident, we were navigating through the San Francisco airport and Maximus was irritated that we were going to have to take a shuttle to another terminal for our connecting flight, as He’d never had to do that before. It was irritating to me that He, such a well-seasoned traveler, seemed so disturbed by this when i thought it was no big deal. He wanted to go to the United Club and i needed to eat. i suggested that He go to the Club and i’d eat, but He said He wanted to eat too and then we’d go to the Club. After we ate, He wanted to go immediately to the shuttle and i had waited to use the restroom in the Club…i was having trouble following what He wanted to do and He was just so rattled. i asked Him not to get so wonky about this.

Had you been drinking or drugging right before the rage (or withdrawing from a heavy period of intoxication)? If so, how do you think that affected you?

No

Who was involved in the rage episode?

Maximus and me.

What triggered the rage (maybe something someone said or did)?

As we arrived at the gate, Maximus was showing me something on His phone when He got a text message from Ms. W. It appeared to me that He pretended not to notice the text banner pop up, which irritated me. i told Him to look at the message, not ignore it. i immediately got upset that she was texting Him when we were on our way home as it seemed to be a pattern that she contact Him as soon as we or He got back from travels so she could get together with Him. i was immediately incensed. We started boarding the plane and i was hostile, teary, and snarky at Him. He demanded we wait until we got home in a few hours to talk about this. i simmered the entire flight and towncar ride home, refusing to look at or interact with Him.

How much of what happened during the rage did you remember the next day (All, some, none at all)? If you remember anything, what do you remember? During the rage, what did you say? What did you think? What did you feel? What did you do?

i remember EVERY detail of this rage. It plays over and over and over in my mind like a tape. i am not going to recount every statement, accusation, action, etc. because it is too much to write out.

i yelled at Maximus, accused Him of being in love with Ms. W, accused Him of being untruthful to me about it, demanded that He never see her again, told Him i would no longer be with Him if He would not make that change. He wanted to compromise on this and i refused over and over and over. i stomped, i made ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, made faces, yelled until i had no voice. i removed gifts i had given Him, special gifts with tremendous meaning and then told Him i was taking them because He no longer deserved them. i told Him how He was free to be with Ms. W now and all the things they could do and accused Him of secretly wanting that all along. i accused Him of being polyamorous.

i demanded He drive me home. He agreed. We got into the car and a block away from the house at a stoplight i got out and walked back home when He asked me not to badger Him all the way to my house. i went up to “take a nap” because i demanded that i was not going to clean his house. i accused Him of using me to acquire my sweat equity in His home which i would never benefit from.

After an hour i got up and made us talk more. i had more things to add to the list and continued my demands against Ms. W. He got me to stop and agree to a bath which i asked Him to take with me, which He did. But i was upset by the fact that He got in and leaned His head back and closed His eyes when i wanted Him to look at me. i got out of the tub and crawled into bed, all wet. He picked up after me and got into bed and i forced His arm around me.

In the morning, He awoke, got up to use the bathroom, returned to bed and put His pillow over His face. This made me mad thinking He was doing this to avoid me. i got up, went downstairs, made coffee and sat on the couch. He came down and i wanted Him to sit on the couch with me with His coffee, but i never asked Him to, and got mad inside because He didn’t automatically do it. He worked on other things while i sat there and stewed. After about ten minutes i demanded that He take me to the airport NOW, despite my flight being that evening. i grabbed my bags and threw them into the car. i got into the passenger seat and fought with the seatbelt over and over and over. i got mad and left the car and stormed back into the house, despite Maximus telling me to calm down and the belt would release when the ignition was started. i repeated this three times, the last time kicking the drivers front tire several times before storming back into the house. i finally returned and got into the car and we drove to the airport.

i barraged Him with horrible things about Ms. W and Him the entire way. i told Him i was going to call her and tell her she was in the clear to be with Him and i was out of His life forever, etc. etc. It was horrendous.

I got out as the car was stopping at the curb, grabbed my bags out of the back of the car and stormed into the airport without looking back. When i was reaching the airline desk i heard Maximus call my name and turned. i thought He had come to take me back home, but He was bringing me my cell phone that i’d dropped in the car when i was pretending to call Ms. W during my tirade. i rabbed the phone out of His hand and turned to continue on to the airline desk, never looking back.

During the rage, i felt a huge release of pressure i’d pent up all during the flight and towncar ride. i remember getting this incredible endorphin rush at one moment in particular where i was doing the ridiculous full-body demonstrations of sexual acts, it was like an out-of-body experience.

During the down cycles in between the rages, my mind raced and i schemed and concocted my arguments and proofs, planned the outlines of what i was going to say to prove my points.

At times during the raging, all i wanted was Maximus to explode back at me. He said several times that He was close and was working very hard not to do that because He did not want to experience that Himself. i remember really wanting Him to do that. i don’t know why, other than i wanted to feel the hurt of it. i think i thought it would shock me out of the cycle and make me stop.

How did the rage end?

The rage ended the night of the third day when i realized that i needed to do something to stop these rage events in order to save my relationship with Maximus and save my health and sanity. It was a crashing realization of just how bad i’d lost it.

How hard did you try to stay in control before or during the rage? What did you do to keep control? Did it work?

i worked hard on the plane and in the towncar to control my rage, but it was only because we were in public and i was waiting to get home. i wanted to have a calm discussion, initially, but i let my rage take over. i had bottled it up for hours and hours and it initially felt good to get all the pressure out, but i couldn’t stop it once it started and it accelerated.

Would you say that, during the rage, you were completely out of control, mostly in control,  completely in control? Would you call what you went through a near rage, partial rage, or total rage? Why?

i was completely out of control. i was, however, able to pause when we noticed someone outside the door. i went to the other room and waited quietly while Maximus spoke with the towncar driver who had locked himself out of his car, but started back up again after he’d left.

What happened to you after the sudden rage (for example, did you sleep for hours, get arrested, or did your partner leave you)? Described whatever happened.

i slept fitfully the first night between the rages. i fled, demanding Maximus take me to the airport early, in yet another continuation of the rage. i went immediately into bed but tossed and turned, could not sleep, was in and out of the bed, wrote Maximus a terse email, and finally went to the grocery store. i needed to eat as i’d only had a few bites of food the night before and nothing all day. i had two bites of cereal and couldn’t eat any more.

i had willed myself not to contact Maximus, but by late afternoon i lost self-control of that and called Him to have Him respond to my email. i tried to be calm but the conversation accelerated. In order to continue the conversation i lowered my voice and forced calm. At the end of the discussion of the email Maximus brought up the erection incident again and it set me off as He said i hadn’t ever apologized for that, which i had. This upset me because we’d had a lot of discussion about this in Las Vegas and i had apologized several times. i was angry that He had brought this up and upset the calm we’d finished the email discussion with. During our talk the phone was disconnected and i assumed He had hung up on me. i let it go.

i texted good night later and never heard back. i didn’t sleep all night.

i texted good morning on my way to work and never heard back. i was sick to my stomach.

i was distracted at work, but focused on my work in spurts to occupy my mind.

i called Him incessently until He demanded me to stop so He could work. He give me a specific time He would call me. i finally settled down after an hour. True to His word, we were able to talk at that time. He’d never received my texts.

Maximus never left me, i broke up with Him over and over and over again during this rage event.

How often do you experience sudden rages?

i had the first one in September when we were first a couple, after casual dating for six months without any episodes, another in December, one in late January, March, April, and now May, so accelerating from a few months to once a month and two this week. The trend is frightening us.

Are you taking any medications to help control your anger, emotions, or rages? If so, what are they? Do they help?

No i am not taking medications. i would like to do this without being medicated.

What else do you do to prevent or control your rages?

During a previous rage incident, I had tried to control my rage by removing myself from the situation and going to the car to breathe, but the person involved followed me out, making me feel chased down and trapped, and i ran, completely out of control of my rage.

Otherwise, i am not doing a good job at all controlling my rage. This is why i’m undergoing this assessment and counseling.

What else could you write that would help you describe and understand your rages?

During the rage i will flee, literally run away, or tell Maximus i am ending the relationship and my expectation at the time is that He will run after me to catch me and beg me not to go. This is irrational and i don’t know why that goes through my mind at the time.

All but one of these rages have been triggered by something to do with Ms. W. i have insecurities about her relationship with Maximus which causes mistrust. i need to get a handle on this to stop the rages.

i so want this to stop.

This all sounds so insane and crazy when i read the account of what i’ve done. It is humilating and i can’t believe Maximus is still here. If i ever needed any sign of His devotion, i would be a fool not to see it now. This is what i need to carry with me. This i should NEVER forget.