Blown It

i’ve blown it. Ruined a wonderful thing. Hurt the person i love the most in the most horrible, unimaginable way.

It’s been three days of hell.

i’m horrified, sick, devastated, begging for mercy, hoping we will somehow make it through this.

And i’m so scared. i’ve never been so scared.

i exploded at Maximus. And i mean yelled and screamed and stomped and gesticulated. i used every obscenity in my vocabulary, accused Him of things, berated Him, belittled Him. And i couldn’t stop. He tried to get me to stop and i wouldn’t. Deep down, part of me wanted Him to engage me, to scream back at me–but He didn’t.

Finally a break, a nap without napping, and i started again. A bath, please together, i ask. He does, i am upset again because He’s exhausted, head back, eyes closed and all i want is for Him to look at me. i leave the tub and go to bed. He follows eventually and i wrap His arms around me for fitful sleep.

The morning, He awakes, He throws a pillow over His head and i’m offended, i take it personally. i go downstairs, make coffee, sit on the couch and wait for Him to join me, thinking He will, but He doesn’t. He’s upset at me and i want Him to sit with me. i get angry again and demand that He take me to the airport NOW! hours and hours early.

i grab my bags, fight with the car over and over, in and out of the car, yelling and kicking. Third try and we’re on the road. i hissed and verbally bashed Him all the way there. i jumped out at the curb, grabbed my bags and stormed into the airport with out looking back.

i hear my name as i walk to the ticketing agent and turn to find Maximus. i think He’s come to beg me to stay. “you forgot your phone,” as He reaches it out to me. i hiss at Him, grab it from His hand and walk away. And He’s gone.

An angry email later. Angry phone calls. From me. i’m awful. We go over my email and i start to calm down. We talk about counseling. He wants to do it separately, i need it together. We make it through the list and He brings up something from the trip and i’m instantly upset again because He’s accusing me of not apologizing for it, which i did and we’d discussed it at length while we were on the trip. The phone goes dead in the middle of a sentence–He’s hung up on me.

i hurt so bad. i lay in bed, hear nothing from Him. i need to stop this, it’s killing us. i text Him goodnight, like i always do.

and nothing

A fitful night, no sleep. i don’t know if we are together or not. i’ve exploded so many times, said so many things.

i text Him good morning, like i always do.

and nothing

Anguish all day. All i want is to hear from Him. i’m so frustrated. And i’m worried about Him. i send a text about a concern knowing that while i mean well, it’s going to offend Him. i tell Him that in the message.

i call.

no answer.

A text that He’s busy working.

i can’t accept it. i call again. He always has time for me. Please answer. i need to tell You i want to fix this. i’m so hurt that You didn’t respond to goodnight and good morning. i miss you and i’m so so scared.

He demands i stop interrupting Him and His work. i’ve called the cell and house phone over and over. Please pick up i need to tell you i’m sorry and i want to stop this.

i stop. He’s given me a time to call me and it’s hours away.

He’s so angry and i deserve that. i’ve hurt Him so badly. i don’t know if He will ever like me again. i can tell He’s not sure. He tells me my words are poison and have damaged Him and He can’t see through this black storm of mine that i’ve surrounded Him with.

i’m so scared. i’m being calm. i need this cycle to stop. Please stop, Maximus, please help me, i’m begging you.

i’ve contacted the counselor from January, the one who would do Skype sessions with us. Maximus had initially been interested but then was unsure about doing it through Skype and it fell apart. i thought we’d be ok without it. We weren’t. i wasn’t.

i need to start this soon. i need to have Him there with me when we do this. i need to have Him see me get this help. i need to have Him tell the counselor the story of how i acted. i need to have Him see me listen to the counselor, hear the words they will say, so He hears it for Himself, not biased through me in my report to Him.

i know He does not understand that, He doesn’t want to go with me, wants me to go alone. Doesn’t He see that i need to have Him watch this, i need to be stripped down in front of Him, i need Him to see my hurt.

and i need Him to see how badly i want to repair me to repair our relationship, that i’ll do anything for that.

i do love Him. He did say He loved me too. Thank god for that and thank god for Him.

This will not be easy or quick. I’m terrified about the time it will take, not because i don’t think i have the time to do it, but that i will be impatient that it doesn’t heal as fast as i want it to. i want it to be healed now, tomorrow, this week so we can move on, but i know that won’t happen.

i can’t lose faith, i can’t lose patience

i need to heal whatever is broken in me, and i have an idea what that is.

i can’t lose Him because of that hurt.

Please believe in me.