Fear

i recently came across The Submissive Guide, a website for mentoring submissives.  This site has a lot of great information, including articles, videos, and book reviews, but i discovered something great on the site–submissive Journal prompts. Sometimes i lack for topics to journal about and oftentimes i don’t know what i don’t know, so these prompts are great to get me thinking about things.

i signed up to get journal prompts delivered via email and the first batch came in yesterday. i decided to start with this first prompt:

“There is no shame in being fearful. It is only a shame to remain so.” – a grateful slave and Guy Baldwin, SlaveCraft.

i thought this was a very excellent topic, and timely for me. Relationship fears are something i struggle with, despite frequent reassurance from Maximus. i’ve not been very successful in marriage, having been divorced twice, and i carry fear of relationship failure around with me like i’m dragging an anchor. This anchor of fear does two things, first, it causes me to have a sense of disbelief that i am in a wonderful relationship with Maximus, and second, it causes me to yank on the anchor chain to test that it’s still there dragging behind me.

Disbelief

Maximus is truly the most amazing man i’ve ever been with. He is everything that i would ever desire in a partner, and more. i’m not saying this to butter Him up, but truly, He is kind, confident, honest, intelligent, accomplished, generous, humorous, fit, social, adventurous, communicative, sexy and sexual, trusting, etc., etc., etc. He is my biggest fan and i’ve not ever had that before in a partner. i am so proud to be with Him, to be associated with Him, and never ever believed i would find that in my life. i had pretty much resolved that i was done with committed relationships after my second divorce and just planned to have casual, sexual relationships without emotional attachment. Maximus changed that for me and i will be forever grateful that He did.

But i find myself with disbelief that i could find someone so wonderful, that finds me wonderful. i sometimes think it’s just a matter of time before He realizes i’m not what He needs or wants and ends the relationship. i’ve thought both of my marriages were “the one” and i was wrong–why would this be so different? i wait for the other shoe to drop.

Yanking the Chain

From this disbelief, i find myself acting out sometimes, testing my theory of disbelief. It’s not deliberate, mind you, but something i look back upon and see in hindsight and embarrassment. i push buttons, make assumptions, look for signs taken out of context proving my fear. And i hate that. It’s miserable for both of us when that happens.

And He’s still here. Not everyone would be.

A Shame to Remain So

What this quote means to me? It means i need to stop dragging this anchor of disbelief. It’s time to pull it up and sail freely and go where the wind takes us. It is shameful for me to wrap this chain around our relationship, restricting it and risking pulling it underwater to drown. It’s shameful to yank on the chain to test an anchor that doesn’t need to be set or dragged.

my anchor should be us, Maximus and me together.  my safe, my strength, my truth, not my fear.